View Full Version : Thanks so much for the porn
07-11-2001, 08:04 AM
Picture, if you will, GregMoose working at his desk with nary a care in the world. Business is good, the sun is shining, Mrs. Moose just got a new job. Oh look, a friend has sent me an email! La lala always nice to get a message from a friend. Hmmm, no text but what's this attachment? (cue sinister music as GM double clicks.)
Dude. Thank you so much for sending porn to me at work. Why, even though I've had a connection for 10 years I never knew that porn was available on the internet! For free even! And since you know that I work for the family business you must have wanted to share this lovely picture with my mom (who sits behind me with a full view of my monitor). How considerate. I know you are excited by the wonderful world of porn, but please, restrain your enthusiasm in the future.
And now a stern lecture for the young lady with the Coke can in her ass.
What precisely made you think sticking a Coke can up your ass was a good idea? Did someone pay you? I imagine the photographer saying "I'll give you a thousand dollars and a life time supply of Depends!" Or perhaps you were expecting to get paid by the Coca Cola Company for your fine product endorsement? ("When I stick a can up my ass, only Coke will do!") Do you understand the concept of a sphincter muscle? That particular muscle is designed to do one thing – keep poop from filling your drawers! How well is it working now?
07-11-2001, 08:19 AM
Heh. Sounds like we have common friend (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=1393718#post1393718 ).
07-11-2001, 08:38 AM
Good goddess that was funny. Who is this guy?
07-11-2001, 08:40 AM
And oh yes - link?
07-11-2001, 08:41 AM
I must say, AlphaGene, I'm disappointed that you would cast such aspersions on the defenseless australopithecine.
Greg, you've got to wonder what goes through these girls minds before it ends up in their butts...
07-11-2001, 08:42 AM
Originally posted by GregMoose
And now a stern lecture for the young lady with the Coke can in her ass.
I just spit coffee all over myself at that one.:D
If I wasn't so timid, I'd use that for a sig.
07-11-2001, 09:14 AM
I can't believe I'm posting this. But, you know that...umm...coke can? Well, I'm not saying it's impossible for such an event to OCCUR. However, many of the photos I've seen of such things (champaign bottles, orange construction cones, etc.) have been photoshop enhanced fakes. Fun, but not real. Maybe yours is one of those?
07-11-2001, 10:02 AM
If you're not taking that as a .sig, I am. The ol' Latin quote is now officially yesterday -- I took it from a comic book anyway.
Great stuff -- I just loooove funny pr0n stories.
07-11-2001, 10:08 AM
SexyWriter - I sure hope you're right. I've been curled up in the fetal position for a while, looking for my inner child who was just slaughtered.
kabbes - mostly I'm a lurker (see the part about where my mother sits). I don't often get a chance to post. And NO, I won't post a link!
spooje - ah, the greatest hope of a newbie!
07-11-2001, 11:10 AM
I once got a picture of a "lady" with the light-bulb end of a flashlight sticking out of her ass. You could tell from the size of the end that the flashlight was one like the police carry.
It gave to new meaning to the old phrase about asses and flashlights.
07-11-2001, 10:33 PM
I just got some junk mail. It says I can get a handy thermal carrying case for my soda real cheap.
I am now very, very frightened.
07-12-2001, 12:16 AM
I received an mpeg of this woman standing facing the camera, then turning around and bending over. One...two...three...a Coke can slides out of her hooch (not bum, granted, butt still) then she half pushes, half vacuums it back inside and out of sight.
I didn't bother saving that one to disk for some reason.
07-12-2001, 01:59 AM
I have also suffered from well-meaning acquaintances who send me porn. I only use my work or public computers to access emails, and it is embarrassing and potentially could land me in trouble. I just don't open things now where friends say "I thought this might interest you". I've probably missed out on some terrific pictures of cute sleeping kittens because of this, but too bad.
However I have a little to add only because we are about fighting ignorance, after all. But for many, what follows will be Too Much Information.
Okay. Scared? don't be. I will be as tasteful as possible.
[Julie Andrews voice]
Well, boys and girls, quite large things can indeed fit into the anus, and it doesn't have to be trick photography. It's more about a relaxed anus, and a sensual response to anal stimulation, and the key factor is mental attitude.
Of course, for most people, putting something into the, um, bottom hole is a weird and painful-sounding idea. If you had an object inserted there against your will it would indeed be painful and traumatic in all ways.
But there are in fact many nerve endings there, that can respond pleasurably to stimulation. If you are a person who has been turned on to the anus as an erotic area, and are either very sexually experienced, or just naturally apt, it can be that an object the width of a soft drink can doesnt present a problem.
And Greg, the sphincter muscle can handle it just fine. People who use dildos repeatedly in anal play do not lose control of the muscles there. There are myths about this in relation to anal intercourse too, but it's just not true.
Some would suggest that by learning to relax the sphincter and associated muscles, people have learned to control the muscle and can tighten it better as well.
I could go on for hours about this , but I am sure very few of you are that interested, so this will do.
[/Julie Andrews voice]
07-12-2001, 02:27 AM
Forgot to say "Welcome to the Boards GregMoose"
Try to keep the posts clean, will you mate?
[insert sincere, just-jokin' charming & winking smilie here]
07-12-2001, 03:05 AM
::sits and waits for the-link-that-shall-not-be-named::
07-12-2001, 07:14 AM
I didn't get it.
Until about the 5th or 6th post in this thread, I thought the segue in the OP from the pornmail to the snug-as-a-bug-in-a-rug Coke can was some sort of crazy non sequitur, and that the OP contained two disparate rants in one post.
But now I'm ROLLING. I cannot stop laughing. Geez.
Thanks a lot, GregMoose.
07-12-2001, 07:22 AM
A friend of mine on Trauma Surgery, on her very first day, went to work up a patient in the ER who spoke no English. He seemed to be indicating that he had something up his ass. That "something" turned out to be a half-full bottle of Erotica lubricant. (I've seen the chart.)
Another friend had a similar story, only it was an embarrassed young couple in the ER. It turns out this guy had two D-cell batteries up his ass. Their explanation? "We were trying something new."
No Coke cans yet this year, though.
A colleague on Psychiatry had a patient who had a habit of putting anything within reach up his ass. I asked what he had put up there lately; she said she hadn't checked. Hadn't checked? If it were me, I told her, not only would I check, but I'd leave cylindrical objects of increasing diameter lying around his room.
07-12-2001, 08:29 AM
(not sure how to do all that quoting stuff so I'll do this)
I could go on for hours about this...
Hours?! Did you say "hours"?:eek:
You may well be right about relaxing the muscles but I'm still hoping SexyWriter is right.
Thanks for the welcome!
07-12-2001, 01:37 PM
Redboss, you have conviced me of the wonderful stretching abilities and sensual possibilites of the anus. However I remain completely unconvinced of its thermal can carrying potential.
07-12-2001, 03:37 PM
Read it and weep (http://www.well.com/user/cynsa/newbutt.html).
07-12-2001, 06:22 PM
These people are the reason every emergency room has a diamond-tipped drill. For tapping a hole through the thick bottoms of champagne and soda bottles. To relieve the suction.
These are the people who come waddling in from the night, saying they tripped and fell on the zucchini, the lightbulb, the Barbie doll, the billiard balls, the struggling gerbil.
See also: The pool cue.
See also: The teddy bear hamster.
They slipped in the shower and fell, bull's-eye, on a greased shampoo bottle. They're always being attacked by a person or persons unknown and assaulted with candles, with baseballs, with hard-boiled eggs, flashlights, and screwdrivers that now need removing.
--Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
07-12-2001, 08:47 PM
Great rant. Laughed my as..er, head off. Can I make one constructivly critical observation? In this line:
"Or perhaps you were expecting to get paid by the Coca Cola Company for your fine product endorsement?"
I think "product placement" would have been much funnier.
Also, the sphincter is much more elastic than you think, or, indeed, would ever want to know.
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