Funerals--Your Part

[Agrippina]

This is a kind of morbid question, but have you ever had a part to play at a funeral? You know, pallbearer or the one to give the eulogy.

I was a pallbearer right before I turned seventeen at my great-grandmother's funeral. It was about ten degrees outside, and I had on panty hose and a thin pants suit on. I also had my tacky bright red Kansas City Chiefs coat on, which was very noticiable among the black (hate the Chiefs, but it's a nice warm coat). Plus, I had dress shoes on and I had to walk on pieces of ice and snow at times. I was the only female pallbearer; the others were my two cousins, my two uncles, and my father. I was also extremley nervous. I was afraid I'd drop the casket, but that turned out to be impossible because everyone else held it up and I basically held onto it.

[KneadToKnow]

I was one of the pallbearers at my grandmother's funeral on my 24th birthday.

[Guinastasia]

At my aunt's funeral-I was also her godchild, along with my cousin Brian-we had to take the gifts up to the altar at Mass. (For those who aren't Catholic, the gifts are the hosts and the wine for Communion, so that the priest can then consecrate them.)

I was only 11.

[ultrafilter]

I've been a pall-bearer a couple times, once for one of my grandparents and once for a friend of mine (that one sucked!).

[FairyChatMom]

In 1995, I was a pall bearer for my grandmother. Less than a year later, I did the same for my grandfather. I fear the next funeral will be my dad's...

[Max Torque]

I was a pallbearer for my grandfather's funeral when I was 12. The coffin was steel, and incredibly heavy. But I was always a big kid, so I managed.

[Sapphire Bullet]

I was a pallbearer at my paternal grandfather's funeral in 1992 and then again for my maternal grandfather last August. Also, I gave a reading during his funeral mass.

[Zebra]

I was a pall bearer at my brothers funeral and I and several others gave eulogies. Also at the grave site we actually burried him. Several of his friends brought shovels and we all pitched in and burried him.

My dad had a military funeral so I wasn't a pall bearer or do anything special there.

[Coldfire]

I carried my aunts coffin together with her brother and two of her other nephews. She was 49 and had died of various forms of cancer.

That was 5 years ago, and it is without a doubt the hardest thing I ever had to do.

[Crunchy Frog]

I was a member of the Brooks AFB Honor Guard. I was pallbearer at many funerals, as well as flag-folder, flag presenter, and on the firing line for the 21-gun salute.

[BobT]

I was a pall bearer at my grandmother's funeral this year, but it was much harder to be a reader at the funeral Mass for my mother eight years earlier.

[rowrrbazzle]

I'm over 40, so I've inevitably had more personal experience than most younger people.

When I was younger, I was Catholic, and when I was 8 I was an altar boy for my grandmother's funeral. As an altar boy I participated in the funerals of many non-relatives.

Pallbearer for the mother of my best friend.

Pallbearer for my own father and mother. I also sang a couple of my father's favorite songs at his funeral service.

Pallbearer for my younger sister (who was 19). She was the first member of my family to die. That was hard.

[Jeannie]

bean_shadow, your OP is so simlilar to my experience as a pallbearer! Very odd...

I was a pallbearer for my great-grandma as well. I was 15 at the time. They (my grand-uncles and the priest) had asked me to read at the funeral. I told them that I absolutely would not. I was such a wreck when she died. I was afraid that I would collapse in heaving sobs during my reading. So my mom asked my dad if it would be "appropriate" to have a female pallbearer. He checked with the priest, who said there was no problem. My uncles were very touched, although the idea of a female pallbearer seemed to be odd to them. I was really nervous, but all went well. I should say, it went well until the service at the cemetery. Then I totally lost control. But by that time, my duty had been done. I am still very proud that I was able to do that for her.

[Lsura]

I was one of multiple pallbearers at my grandmother's funeral 8 days after I graduated from college.

Every time the we had to move the casket, the pallbearers managed to change, not intentionally either, but by the end of the funeral, most of the grandchildren had taken part at some point-down to the youngest, who was 8 at the time.

[hardygrrl]

I read the eulogy at my nephew's funeral.

Actually, I spoke for my sister and our side of the family. My brother-in-law's sister spoke for his side.


I almost made it through until I got to the part about Craig having two mothers-my sister and me.


Craigy-poo, I miss you. ALways remember that Ya-ya loves you THIS much

[Creaky]

Not much happens at my family's funerals except the actual church service: no eulogies, nothing elaborate, nothing dramatic. My father has usually always been in charge of organizing funeral stuff; and he's always a pallbearer too.

My sister and I do our part at the viewings before the funeral (greeting and introducing people), and reception after the funeral (more hostess-y stuff).

[AbbySthrnAccent]

Mother of the deceased. As if the whole leukemia thing and watching him suffer and die wasn't bad enough, thirty six inch long caskets while ample for a toddler are shockingly small when seen in the front of a chapel. :(

[Coldfire]

Abby, I'm so sorry.
Not to even TRY to make a comparison between all the stories above (because all are touching and sad in their own right), but losing a child... that somehow strikes me as one of the toughest things that can possibly happen to a person.

I clicked on your homepage. Your son looks fantastic, I'm sure he was a great kid. I'm gonna download that screen saver tonight.

[Superdude]

Pallbearer at my grandmother's funeral in 1993. I would have been one at my dad's this past winter, but he had retired from the fire department, and they requested to provide the pallbearers instead. And I was going to speak at an ex-girlfriend's funeral, but I was too broken up. I couldn't do it.

[Agrippina]

Originally posted by Jeannie
bean_shadow, your OP is so simlilar to my experience as a pallbearer! Very odd...

So my mom asked my dad if it would be "appropriate" to have a female pallbearer. He checked with the priest, who said there was no problem. My uncles were very touched, although the idea of a female pallbearer seemed to be odd to them.

Yeah, it was odd to be, too. But the thing is, is that I'm the only female in my generation (my great-grandmother, who had died, was married into the family). My family is weird because there have been only four females since 1900. I would die if I had to read something, but that moment hasn't arrived yet.

[Barbarian]

I delivered the eulogy at my grandfather's funeral last year. Of course, I had surgery the day he died, and then got whapped with a big old cold and lost my voice. At the viewing old ladies kept grabbing my hand-- and I'm yelping 'ouch, leggo of the damn bandages'. Then I get to creak my way through a speech. Three people came up to me afterwards and said they were really moved by the emotion in my voice-- I didn't have the heart to tell them otherwise.

[AbbySthrnAccent]

Originally posted by Coldfire
Abby, I'm so sorry.
Not to even TRY to make a comparison between all the stories above (because all are touching and sad in their own right), but losing a child... that somehow strikes me as one of the toughest things that can possibly happen to a person.

I clicked on your homepage. Your son looks fantastic, I'm sure he was a great kid. I'm gonna download that screen saver tonight.

Thank you Coldfire, I didn't mean to appear to do the "I can top that thing". The gift of life is almost universally valued, and for the most part we feel such a reverence for it. Every roll at a funeral is heartwrenching, bittersweet and difficult to perform with decorum and dignity. The OP is an interesting one. I disagree with the idea that discussing roles (and our feelings about them) at a funeral is morbid, death is a fact of life and I hope folks with continue to post their experiences and feelings about them here.

The screen saver and pc sharing cancer research function is very interesting and it's a great way to "do something" without having to do much, it feels good to be helping. On a side note, frogstein started a SDMB team (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=70348). I suspect that being on the SDMB team has a great deal of appeal here. However, anyone is welcome to join team Huggy Bear (http://members.ud.com/services/teams/team.htm?id=4E1B6637-F496-46EF-BA6B-CC173E128EFB). Which by the way is not signed up for gifts or prizes at this time, and if I do they'll be donated to the local childhood cancer family alliance.

Abby

[pldennison]

Pallbearer at my paternal grandmother's funeral in January 2000. It was the only funeral I've ever been a participant in, and it was very disquieting.

[AbbySthrnAccent]

Sorry for yet another post, but I realized I left out a link I wanted to put in the above post. The first time I came to the SDMB there were two interesting threads going related to mourning. One was when JillGat's mom died. I'm not posting a link to that one here because I'm fearful resurrecting it might be painful to her, but it's an interesting thread to see how many people in this community responded with support, affection and kindness. The other threadHow We Mourn (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=71673) I thought to be started with empathy, respect and a valid and interesting societial question as well.

Abby

P.S. To the kind but nicknameless doper who emailed me, (and any other observant potential viewer) I am aware the pic's are bungled on my homepage. It's my first attempt and it appears the pic's are there when I go to edit and review, but not when you view the page normally. I lack the skills and knowledge to fix it, but didn't want to take the page down either. So it hangs out there for all the world to see my ineptitude at web page design.

[My Darn Snake Legs]

I started dating a girl right before her grandmother died, so I went to the funeral...only the second I had ever been to. After the funeral, her mother (whom I had never met) comes over and says: "Is this Mike? He looks strong...will he be a pall-bearer?" I had never met any of her family, much less the deceased grandmother...but how could I say no?!

--==the sax man==--

[Odesio]

Originally posted by bean_shadow
This is a kind of morbid question, but have you ever had a part to play at a funeral? You know, pallbearer or the one to give the eulogy.


I buried my Great Uncle after he died of cancer. And when I say buried I mean I literally took a shovel and dug a grave for him. There's a rather old Gibson Cemetary on some farmland in Texas dating back to the 1850's. Suffice it to say it is on someone else's property now and nobody takes care of it. So I took my uncle there and buried him next to his mother as per his wishes.

I don't know the legality of what I did but the owners don't mind Gibsons visiting the site or burying people there.


I was a pallbearer right before I turned seventeen at my great-grandmother's funeral. It was about ten degrees outside, and I had on panty hose and a thin pants suit on.


I have never seen a female pallbearer and this is the first I've ever heard of one. Not that there's anything wrong with it I just hadn't heard of it.


Marc

[JillGat]

[[One was when JillGat's mom died. I'm not posting a link to that one here because I'm fearful resurrecting it might be painful to her..]]

Not at all! I miss her, but she had a glorious life and being there for and with her while she died is a memory I treasure. - Jill

[Odesio]

Originally posted by JillGat


Not at all! I miss her, but she had a glorious life and being there for and with her while she died is a memory I treasure. - Jill

My father died rather quickly an unexpectedly and I was the only one around when it happened. Although it isn't the most pleasant memory I have I am certainly happy he wasn't alone at the end.

Marc

[DPWhite]

I've been a pallbearer a few times. Recently my uncle's second wife (26 years, their marriage seemed like only yesterday) died. They were a very private couple and few friends and family came. My parents, 15 years younger than aunt and uncle, had helped take care of my aunt during her last illness. They let me (and bro and sis) know that there was no prepared eulogy, but that we should each say some words. Of course since they were so private we did not know our aunt well. (One of the great pains of my father's life is that he does not know his brother better as he is old enough to be a father figure. Uncle having served in combat in WWII and Dad in combat in Korea, they have the emotional reserve of the pre-boomers.)

To make this more difficult, they were very much in love, and this was the second time my uncle had been widowed after a long marriage. What to say?

It turned out surprisingly simple. I remembered that we were there for the living and to help my uncle. Simply sharing memories of family gatherings, similing while playing the piano during holiday sing alongs, their fun and playing golf and tennis together. Ordinarily I do not worry at all about speaking in front of a group, but I was concerned here. I spoke for less than 90 seconds, and even though as a trial lawyer I speak in public frequently, just these simple memories simply expressed was what was called for on the occasion. So if you get asked to say something at a memorial, my suggestion is to remember even a small pleasant event that the deceased participated in that made things easier for others, take your time and remember out loud that event for a moment or two.

[Harbour Lights]

I spent eighteen days at the hospital with my father (my mother died twelve years prior) as his life slipped away at age 82. He had already arrange power of attorney, executor, etc to be me, because he felt my siblings were not reliable (true: one didn't even come to the service).

While he was still conscious, I met his friend Shirley and her husband for the time. He thought the world of her, and so do I.

I had to make the middle of the night decision to pull the life support. I slept in a chair beside his bed the entire time. Shirley would stop in ever morning on her way to work with a pot of coffee. She'd also stop by later in the evening so I could get away for a bit.

After he died, the entire funeral arrangement came down to me. Very difficult, and when it came time for a speaker, I completely choked. Shirley stepped in for me.

Even at 46 my eyes get all watery as I write this.

His ashes were buried six months later in the public plot at the cemetary, as he requested.

My mother was buried two years after she died. Her lifelong desire was to donate her body to the medical school at the local university.

All four services were gutwrenching.

[seriousart]

I was a Pallbearer for my grandmother's funeral about 10 years ago. And what a shitty experience on many levels that was.

First, my cousin teases me on my "choice" of attire. "What are those, "Dockers"?!"
Because what's really important at a funeral is that you own the right pants.

Then they ask me to be a Pallbearer at the viewing to the church.
Fine. I'd be honored.
So me and my asshole cousins patiently wait for the rest of the family to leave.
And then we spring into action! And this is what throws me.
As soon as the doors close, we start packing up the flowers and Grandma like we're roadies at an Ozzy show. It becomes a matter of efficiency and speed at this point. Something not foremost in my mind at a funeral. I can understand the importance of gettting the casket to the church ASAP. But lest us forget, who's IN said box.

The was the last time I ever want to be a part of anything like that. So friends and family, you've been warned- NO DYING. OK?