Answering the Telephone

[LifeWillFall]

reading through this (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=83817) thread, I've been inspired to know what your favorite phone greeting is?

Lady Ice starts the ball rolling with:
Ernie's Mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em

and I'll add:
Joe's taxidermy, you snuf 'em, we stuff 'em

[kniz]

Wanda's Escort Service
You'll love them!

[Schnitte]

I always give my full name. Forename, surname, and everybody knows whom he/she had caught.

[Tisme]

I used to answer " House of Insanity - Ward 3B"
It kept the phone compony in business as people used to hang up and ring again thinking they had the wrong number.
My wife put a stop to me answering the phone in a manner which may be construed as abusive, so now I just pick up the phone and say "YEA"

[Typo Negative]

I just scream "What do you want now????"

[screech-owl]

Depends who is calling:

- if I know the person, it's a standard "hello", "hey", "hiya, sweetie", or "what now?!", depending on the level and state of the relationship.

- if it's a telemarketer ("Unknown Caller"), it's "Hello....hello....hello" etc. while they are talking, as if I cannot hear them. One of my few joys in life.

[jellen92]

Jim's bait and ammo...

This is Jim the Master Baiter....

[Patty O'Furniture]

(Sounding depressed)

Baskin Robins; what flavor?

[xizor]

Before I got caller ID I used to answer all calls with "I am not interested in buying anything!", now with Caller ID, I just immediately ask for that person. Example:

phone: Ring, ring
caller ID: Bob Smith is calling
me picking up phone: "Is Bob Smith there please?"

I always get about a 5 second pause as people try to figure it out.

[racinchikki]

I have Caller ID in my dorm room, and I don't answer if I don't recognize the number (any in-state number whose first three digits are neither the campus code or my sister's town, I know is probably for my roommate, and I either pass the phone to her or let the voicemail pick it up). If it's a family member, I pick up the phone and say "Are you giving me money?" before they even say "hi." If it's a friend, I pick it up and say "I'm not here, leave a message." Since that's actually my voicemail message, too, I can fool people sometimes.

[Sunshine]

I pretty much just say, "hello". If at work, I say, "This is Sunshine".

My hubby, if he knows it's me calling, will sometimes answer the phone saying, "Chuck's pizzeria. Chuck speaking." But his name's not Chuck. He thinks this is incredibly funny but I just sort of chuckle.

One time, many years ago when I worked at an appliance parts & repair store, he called in and I happened to answer the phone. Recognizing my voice, he decided to be funny and started using this horrible Asian-guy accent (which I totally fell for even though it was obvious in hindsight) He was yelling at me, saying, "I need part! I want part! Need part vacuum!" so I'm trying to help this "customer" and asking him what kind of vacuum, what kind of part, etc, and he says, "Red part! I need red part! Red!" and I'm going, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't have any red parts..." and trying to be nice to this "customer" who is obviously out of his mind and doesn't know what he's talking about.
After a few minutes he couldn't help but start cracking up and my first thought was, "Thank god this isn't a real customer!" and then cracked up myself.
Anyway, this was like 5 years ago and he still calls me and does that. I'll answer my phone at work and the woman in the next cube just hears me saying, "No, I'm sorry sir...we don't have any red parts." She must think I'm nuts, because my company doesn't sell anything so there's no reason for someone to be calling me asking for parts.

Hope you all enjoyed that little glimpse into Mr. Sunshine's demented sense of humor.

[Rilchiam]

Sunshine, your hubby and Mr. Rilch oughta hook up!

"Hello, Calvin speaking. I'd like to order a large anchovy pizza."

"What?...I..."

"Oh, I'm sorry. You must have dialed the wrong number. Goodbye!...I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal."

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

I'm boring. At work, I say "Hello, this is Cranky!" but that's as interesting as it gets. And no, I use my real name, not Cranky.

My husband often answers our home phone "Meier Industries International" like we're some multinational conglomerate.

[Francesca]

For many years I answered the by picking up and saying "Speak!", but it upset my grandparents so I stopped doing that. Now sometimes if I see on the Caller ID that it's someone I know, I'll answer with "Live sex show sir/madam?" or "Thank you come again!". For the SO, it's "Hello my gorgeous hunk of burning love". Awwww yeah.

[plnnr]

"Duffy's Tavern, where the elite meet to eat. Duffy ain't here. Oh, hello Duffy."

Home: "Hello?"
Work: "Plnnr"

Alexander Graham Bell supposedly answered by saying "Ahoy! Ahoy!" He invented the damn thing, he got first dibs at the protocol.

[Sunshine]

Side note: that's why Mr. Burns says, "Ahoy-hoy" when he's on the phone. It's a joke that he's so old, he was around when the phone was invented. (And obviously missed the change in protocol)

[Kat]

I will, at work, occasionally answer the phone with the greeting "I told you never to call me here." But that's only if I know who's calling (our phones will display the caller's name if they're calling from an inside extension).

[Agent0069]

Since I am the telecommunications manager for my company, I'm ALWAYS on the phone. When Verizon calls me about my accounts (for whatever reason), I always pick it up and say "what did you screw up now"......that always holds them for a few minutes. If it's someone in the office, I'll pick up and say "are you taking me to lunch today".....always throws them off, especially if they haven't even thought about lunch. At home, I *LOVE* to mess with telemarketers. I'll answer the phone, and as soon as I hear "this is ______ with AT&T (or whoever)", a HUGE smile will cross my face. Its playtime!! I'll listen to the little speech.....then I'll ask questions as if I'm interested; "really? whats the rate to (fill in foreign country).....I call there ALL the time", or "can I get 3 calling cards too" and "how much is a toll free number". When they get that "excited to make a sale" tone, and say "so can we switch you over today", I always say "I work for (fill in long distance company here) and get free phone service, I don't think so". I've had several telemarketers hang up on me when I did that. And the number of calls I get has seriously dropped.

[Cyn]

My answering machine USED to say "Leave your name and number and I'll get back to you........if I feel like it."
Did I get flamed. Irate, scolding messages from all my friends and family and a lot of "Umm, uh," from various strangers. I didn't think it was THAT extreme of a message.
When I answer, I say "Hello?".
Original.
My SO uses a cutesy muppet voice "Ha-row?"

[Booker57]

For the longest time I would answer the phone.
"You've reached 555-1212. We don't have a machine so at the tone you'll be speaking to a live person. BEEEP."
Drove my Sister mad.

Small pleasures.

[flickerwolf]

"Jimmy's Gourmet Assmeats, do this be delivery or pickup?"




Above greeting courtesy of "I Feel Sick #1: A Book About a Girl", by Jhonen Vasquez.

[Akatsukami]

Nothing earth-shakingly amusing, I fear.

Home: Either "Southbury Annex, Akatsukami speaking", or just "Hello", depending on whether I'm working or not.

Office: "Southbury, Akatsukami".

Answering machine: "You've reached <number>. If you're a telemarketer, don't even think about calling this number again. Otherwise, please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you within 24 hours."

My answering machine used to say, "I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I sober up". For some reason, however, wagimoko objected to this.

[GrizzRich]

I answer with a simple "hello".
but...
/hijack/
A few weeks ago, I answered the phone and no one was there.
A friend of mine was visiting and sitting in the living room with me, so she could hear my end of the conversation.
It went like this...
"Hello?...
Oh, HI Regis!
Sure I'll be glad to.
um hmmm... okaaaay...
The answer is "Kuala Lumpur"
Yes, I'm 100 percent sure.
Okay, good luck!"

I put the phone down and didn't say a word about it. She must have stared at me for a full minute before she stammered ... "ww-w--was that the Millionare Show?"

That's when I lost control and started laughing.

I still have the bruise on my arm where she punched me.

To be fair, somebody told me that someone did something like that on a talk show, and I just couldn't let the moment pass without trying it.
/here endeth the hijack/

[Dragonblink]

"Berkeley Street Bordello and House of Pleasure, how may I direct your call?"

Another one I used to use when I had caller ID ... telemarketers showed up as "Number Unknown" because of their phone systems, but my dad's work showed up the same way. So for a while, every time the box said "Number Unknown," even if my dad was home, I'd answer with "Hello, are you my dad?" I got a lot of amusing responses to that one.

[Bumbazine]

At work: "This is Bumbazine."

At home, I don't answer the phone. I have a machine for that purpose specifically because we get about a dozen calls a day from telemarketers. But back before we got onto everybodys lists I would normally just say "Hello?" unless I felt like messing with people. Then I'd either say "Forward torpedo room" or "Main gate, St. Peter speaking."

[Catfood Purrito]

Back in high school, I once answered the phone, "Heaven, God speaking." Turned out to be a particularly devout woman from the church calling to ask my mom if she could make sandwiches for a funeral. She was not amused.

Now, I stick to non-offensive greetings like, "Mishell's House of Pain, how may I spank you?"

[Wonko The Sane]

At work: "Wonko's desk- Wonko speaking."

At home it varies- sometimes I say the above (after a long day) sometimes it's "Yo-", "Yes?" or sometimes even "hello."

I love to mess with telemarketers. My cat's name is the listing for the phonebook, so I can sometimes tell immediately. When I'm feeling silly enough, I actually ask him if he wants to talk on the phone, and demand to know what company the person is calling from. People usually figure out after I use the words "scamper" "scramble" and "meow" a few times.

[LittleTigger]

1. "Boogers and poop department."

2. "Larry's Buttstick Emporium!"

[Cougarfang]

1. "waaaaaaaayyyyyyyy?" (typical taiwanese phone greeting, sort of like "hello", but "waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy" is only used for the phone)

2. "Meyow?" (d'oh!)

3. Hi Opal!

i'm soooooooo unoriginal... i think i'll start using Booker57's... :D

lessee what my friends make of that... :innocent angel smiley:

[Rilchiam]

Forgot to mention that Friend sometimes answers with "Vito's Massage Parlor!". Once upon a time, I used to answer with "Hotel California!"

[TheLoadedDog]

Originally posted by Cougarfang
1. "waaaaaaaayyyyyyyy?" (typical taiwanese phone greeting, sort of like "hello", but "waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy" is only used for the phone)

I do that when my girlfriend rings me. An ex of mine was Chinese (well, I assume she still is), and TheLoadedDoggette gets a little jealous about her. So, when I see my girlfriend's number appear on the screen, I can't help giving a sultry "Wei?". Man, that pisses her off. Small mind that I have, I still haven't tired of it. :)

[Caiata]

My friend Jason had the absolute best answering-machine message in the world.

Actually he had several of them. Witty guy, that. But my favourite two:

"Satanic evil monks are comin' to getcha!" BEEEEEP

That one was my fault; I dated a guy who revealed to me a month into our relationship that he used to be a Satanist but was now looking at monkhood (like prospective monks date? wtf?) ... Okie, that was all well and good, it explained why he never made an attempt to kiss me in that month :) But after some very very bizarre things happened I broke up with him, at which point he actually - I am not making this up, it happened - threatened to put a Satanic curse on me and then went into my car while I was at work and used a switchblade to stab a toy rat and some fake blood to my upholstery.

The Caiata person was not amused. She was, however, muchly amused upon hearing that message on Jason's machine! :)

Then - I don't know if any of you are really familiar with Aeon Flux, but there's one episode (a short I think - "War" maybe? Can't remember which one ...) wherein a lot of the Breen guards are running around guarding Trevor Goodchild, and on the telecom monitors and such they speak, but it's all garble, all complete and total gibberish. His answering machine used to be just like that.

The machine would pick up and there was like four minutes of gibberish, then a loud beep. The first time I heard it I was stunned ... "argleagrbarglahaarhglahgeabhiadmarhgihgaghaghghe... BEEEEEEEEEP"

"uhhhhh ... uhhhhhhhh ... OH! I get it! Breen guards! Cute Jay! Now pick up the damned phone!"

(Breen is how you spell it, right? I know the actual name of the city is Bregha or something, but they refer to them as 'Breens' right? I very definitely remember seeing that somewhere on the DVD ...)

Personally I don't have any particularly clever things to say on my answering machine or when I pick up the phone. I used to answer the home phone just like I did at work: "Thank you for calling Papa John's, this is Caiata, how may I help you?" Just out of habit, of course, not because I thought it was cool. It stopped about a month after I left that job. :)

I considered myself way ahead of the game by discouraging my parents from rapping on their answering machine back in '93. I couldn't in good conscience ever call my home if there was even the remotest chance I would be greeted by aging-white-suburban-gangsta-rap; instead I convinced them to let me do the message. It was something like,

"Hi. This is the 90's. You know the routine. Bye." *BEEEP*

Everyone thought it was "disrespectful". Now every time I call them I fear the aging-white-suburbia rap; luckily in their older old age they have mellowed and have your standard "you've reached xxx-xxxx. Please leave a message."

Rap is -almost- better. *sigh*

[handy]

"Hi, I'm deaf, I can't hear you so don't call back"