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-   -   Another bathroom etiquette memo: Do you have a prehensile rectum? (https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=80957)

Billy Rubin 08-07-2001 05:42 PM

Look, Fuckwicket,I know you got your problems. I'm aware of the fact that your metabolisim causes you to have to be in the bathroom five seconds after you eat. Or you're taking exlax with each meal, I don't know, but whatever the case, can't you clean up after yourself?

You can't weigh more than 120 lbs, and I've been working with you for years. Every single time I've used the crapper after you, it's a mess. Today was just the final straw.

There was shit on the seat. There was shit under the seat. There was shit on the front of the toilet tank. There was shit on the top of the toilet tank. There was shit on the outside of the bowl, on the floor, and on the roll of toilet paper. Shit on the left wall, shit on the right. Shit on the spare roll and shit all over the handle of the crapper. There was shit on the hot water tap. There was shit on the door of the john. there was a nearly dime sized spatter of shit on the ceiling

Do you have a prehensile rectum that you can extend on a stalk like a snail's eye and aim? How in the name of all that is unholy do you get shit everywhere? Is there a feces-hurling monkey which lives in your shorts and comes out only to smear the bathroom with shit?

On the rare(thankfully) occasions I've had to be in the same room when you were fouling our nice clean crapper, it sounds like someone is shooting a machine gun into the toilet. Ever think that you could cut back on the laxative? or maybe just not eat an entire box of Colon Blow cereal every morning? It's not necesary for the shit to come out at mach .7 each time. Even if there's nothing you can do to change your habits, could you make some kind of effort to clean up the flecks of shit you insist on leaving everywhere? Hell, there's a closet in the john which is always unlocked and has the cleaning supplies! What in the shit-flinging fuck does your home look like? And while I've got a full head of steam, think about the guy who has to follow you in the crapper and flush. Nobody wants to come in the john and find that there's.... I can't even describe it. Just flush, fuckwicket.

I'm going to make a concerted effort not to lie in wait for you and make you lick the crapper clean. Much as I find it pleasurable to think of doing so. I've started using the unisex restroom that the truckers use, it's usually much cleaner. Hope you eventually drown in it you filthy piece of shit.

b.

sewalk 08-07-2001 05:49 PM

Is anybody else struck by the irony that it was Billy who posted this?

schief2 08-07-2001 06:08 PM

I know this gets done a lot, but I'm still struck by just how truly awesome Prehensile Rectum would be for a band name.

Billy Rubin 08-07-2001 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by schief2
I know this gets done a lot, but I'm still struck by just how truly awesome Prehensile Rectum would be for a band name.
Even better if the lead singer's name was Fuckwicket.
b.

Spectre of Pithecanthropus 08-07-2001 06:38 PM

Egad, another scatological thread. What trend is this I've started?

OpalCat 08-07-2001 07:28 PM

these threads have been going on since LONG before your time.

If you know who it is, why not just confront them (in public) about it and maybe embarrass them into not doing it again?

Sylkyn 08-07-2001 07:40 PM

I was wondering if this person may have Crohn's Disease. I had a former boss that was afflicted with it, and it's not a fun ailment to have, to say the least.

Of course, she never left a bathroom like you described; messy, crap everywhere, etc. But the other things you mentioned sounded very much the way she described herself in the john. She always had a huge box of matches in the ladie's room for after she left it. (And believe me, it was most appreciated.)

Even if this person does have Crohn's, that's no excuse for leaving the bathroom like that. That is just the most disgusting, filthy thing I believe I've ever heard.

BoBettie 08-07-2001 07:44 PM

Good God- I almost shit my pants laughing at that OP! (speaking of messes)

Zette

waterj2 08-07-2001 08:12 PM

At first I thought the title of the thread said "barroom etiquette", referring to the tipping thread as the first one. I was wondering what sort of bars you went to that would involve prehensile rectums. The best I could come up with was picking tips up off the bar with one's ass.

In comparison, the actual OP was a bit mundane.

CrankyAsAnOldMan 08-07-2001 08:13 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Zette
Good God- I almost shit my pants laughing at that OP! (speaking of messes)

Zette

holding head in both hands, elbows flapping back and forth desperately

SOMEBODY HELP ME! MAKE THE PAIN OF IRONY GO AWAY! I'M GONNA SAY SOMETHING I REGRET....

Billy Rubin 08-07-2001 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by CrankyAsAnOldMan
SOMEBODY HELP ME! MAKE THE PAIN OF IRONY GO AWAY! I'M GONNA SAY SOMETHING I REGRET....
Chill, Crank. It's ok. Put a cool washcloth on the back of your neck, it always helps me. And sorry to disturb your ironic sensibilities.

b.

Green Bean 08-07-2001 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Billy Rubin
Do you have a prehensile rectum that you can extend on a stalk like a snail's eye and aim?
Most poetic, I must say.

I compared Allen Ginsberg's Howl with Billy Rubin's Prehensile Rectum:

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked...
Do you have a prehensile rectum that you can extend on a stalk like a snail's eye and aim?

The similarities are remarkable! By the way, I seem to have misplaced my tinfoil beanie....

Cleophus 08-07-2001 09:47 PM

Nice, er, use of adjectives.

But, really, there was shit on the ceiling? Maybe, MAYBE there's a way it got on the other stuff, like it got all over his hands and he started smearing. On the ceiling, however, means it was flung.

If you're up to it, a video camera could provide enough "persuasion" to force the guy with the machine-gun ass (Also a good band name IMO) into better behavior.

Broomstick 08-07-2001 10:05 PM

I still haven't been able to read the entire OP - I keep falling off my chair with my eyes squiched up from laughing, gasping for breath.

Geez, and I though MY co-workers were awful!!!

RoboDude 08-07-2001 10:29 PM

Quote:

Do you have a prehensile rectum that you can extend on a stalk like a snail's eye and aim? How in the name of all that is unholy do you get shit everywhere? Is there a feces-hurling monkey which lives in your shorts and comes out only to smear the bathroom with shit?
Could we be dealing with a squatter? One of those paranoid folks who cannot bring himself to let his precious ass touch a public toilet seat? That behavior combined with a bad case of the shits could very well cause what you describe.

SmackFu 08-07-2001 11:12 PM

Man, that made my day. Thank you.

Billy Rubin 08-08-2001 09:22 AM

Neither a squatter nor diseased
 
This morning, privately, I confronted Mr. Fuckwicket. As nicely as possible. Apparently he does use, perhaps overuse, laxatives. He feels that if his digestive tract has anything in it he'll immediately begin to get fat, and he can't stand fat. So he shits like the exhaust of a jet engine. No Crohn's nor other physical illness.

He hates it when the water from the toilet splashes up on him so he sits way forward on the seat and leans over so he doesn't get splashed. Hence, the spray all over the crapper, and everything else.

Astounded, and a little disgusted, that he would confide this much information to me, I suggested he look around after he's done and try to clean up after himself, then other people started showing up at work and I went back to my cube. Thinking, I'm sick because I'm overeight. Yeah, right.

And Green Bean-I've always likened myself more to Burroughs than Ginsburg. (hehe!!)

b.

BoBettie 08-08-2001 09:26 AM

BR,
Since you already approached him (did he agree to clean up after himself??), you could forward him this link:
http://www.eating-disorder.org/laxatives.html

I can understand the laxative abuse and the making of the mess, but what on earth is his excuse for not cleaning up??

Zette

tevya 08-08-2001 11:04 AM

Wow! Wonderfully funny rant.

I'm sorry to hear about his laxative abuse, but that is no excuse for not cleaning up. Especially if the cleaning supplies are readily available.

I am amazed both that you confronted him and that he actually explained. It is my sincere wish that I never have that conversation with any of my co-workers.

tiny ham 08-08-2001 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by schief2
I know this gets done a lot, but I'm still struck by just how truly awesome Prehensile Rectum would be for a band name.
By god, then it shall be on the list!

celestina 08-08-2001 12:17 PM

Every time I come to the Pit, someone's got to be talkin' shit . . .
 
LOL!!!! :-D

BillyR., I must say that what you've described is absolutely one of the most disgusting things I've read in a while. Thank you. I needed that laugh. But I swear, it's a fitting commentary on what the world is coming to when supposedly civilized folks don't know how to take a dump or a piss and then clean up after themselves.

Y'all have a good one.

Billy Rubin 08-08-2001 01:51 PM

Thanks, Celestina. Unfortunately, as a guy, it's a genetic imperative to find this sort of thing funny, as long as I'm not actually the poor bastard doing the cleaning. SO while I was disgusted myself, I laughed my ass off, and thought I'd share.


Tev, Zet, I really didn't try for an explanation, he volunteered it, much to my dismay. I just told him "hey, I noticed you left quite a mess in the crapper yesterday, you should clean up after yourself" Why he explained the process of fecal distribution, and not the reason for his lack of post-spray hygeine, I will probably never know. Nor at this point do I have any further desire.

b.

Broomstick 08-08-2001 07:40 PM

Re: Neither a squatter nor diseased
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Billy Rubin
This morning, privately, I confronted Mr. Fuckwicket. As nicely as possible. Apparently he does use, perhaps overuse, laxatives. He feels that if his digestive tract has anything in it he'll immediately begin to get fat, and he can't stand fat. So he shits like the exhaust of a jet engine.
Bravo for taking an active route!

BTW - I spend a lot of time at airports. I've seen/smelled/felt at a distance jet exhaust. Your last sentence does an injustice to jet engines everywhere. Jet engine exhaust looks nicer, smells better, and leaves less mess than a human shit cannon.

Barbarian 08-09-2001 04:16 AM

For 30 seconds I was wondering if you worked with my father in law.

This rant is priceless!

Pnuk Guy 08-09-2001 05:52 AM

If he don't want the Dreaded SplashbackTM then tell him to put a layer or two of toilet paper flat on the bottom of the bowl.

Splashback is more than 95% eliminated!

Try it today! :D

Billy Rubin 08-09-2001 12:49 PM

Re: Re: Neither a squatter nor diseased
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Broomstick
Jet engine exhaust looks nicer, smells better, and leaves less mess than a human shit cannon.
Right- I had no intention of casting aspersions on jet engines, I was merely referring to velocity and volume. No offense intended.

Pnuk: I'll suggest that. Hope it helps,I found another mess today.
b.

Borborygmi 08-11-2001 07:57 AM

If Dr. Suess had written the OP
 
All the Whos down at Who Inc., the tall and the small
Could shit without being revolting at all
The Whos, when shitting, would shit in the pot
But the Fuckwicket, who worked at Who Inc., would not

Just yesterday morning, around ten past eleven
The Fuckwicket started shitting at mach oh-point-seven
And when Billy Who had to shit his Who-Hash from last night
He went into the men’s room and got quite a fright:

There was shit on the floor, there was shit in the stall
There was shit on the seat and on every wall
There was shit on the tile, there was shit on the grout
There was scarcely a place where shit was not about

There was shit on the handle, there was shit on the tank
There was shit on the john door, oh how that shit stank!
There was shit everywhere, the new paint was peeling
Why that Fuckwicket even got shit on the ceiling!

“How I hate that Fuckwicket,” sighed poor Billy Who
“Were I not making the effort I know just what I’d do
I’d make him lick every drop up without even a utensil
Then next time he’d be careful with his rectum prehensile”

I can’t believe that I’ve actually typed this up twice.
RTFirefly, I hope you repost your wonderful observation.[/b]

Billy Rubin 08-11-2001 04:11 PM

Utter genius
 
Borbor, I bow deeply to your skills, I can't imagine where you get this. Just as I feel as if my skills as a reporter of life's tribulations has come of age, someone comes along and turns my clumsy prose into deathless poetry.

I can't tell you how personally proud I am to have your work on my post, nor how further proud that your work is about my post.... I somehow feel as if I've arrived.

Whatever the case, by all means, keep up the most excellent work.

b.

Thanks for typing it twice by the way...

Tabithina 08-11-2001 05:09 PM

That is just incredibly disgusting. I wonder how he can avoid being hit by some of his own fusillade of shit. Or can he? I mean, if it's hitting the ceiling, it's probably also going to hit him. <yeek>

And I shudder to think what his bathroom at home must be like.

must...scrub...brain...

Borborygmi
Thank you for providing me with helpless peals of laughter.

zut 08-11-2001 05:17 PM

Re: If Dr. Suess had written the OP
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Borborygmi
Just yesterday morning, around ten past eleven
The Fuckwicket started shitting at mach oh-point-seven
I really have nothing to add; I just thought this particular couplet bore repeating. Thanks Borborygmi!

Muffin 08-11-2001 07:16 PM

Now that he will be cleaning up after himself, every time you use the cleaned stall you can wonder if he sterilized it with cleaning chemicals, or just smeared up the shit with paper.

gorkamorka 08-11-2001 11:02 PM

Superb
 
There isn't much more I can say.

August West 08-12-2001 07:04 AM

As I said before it was deleted by the reset, there aren't too many posts that make me laugh so hard that I cry, but [bBorborygmi's had tears streaming down my face.

I salute you, sir.

Borborygmi 08-12-2001 10:10 AM

Hey, thanks for all the thumbs up, folks. Obviously, I found Billy's fine opening rant to be, ah, inspirational. Especially the 3rd paragraph, and particularly the Suessian "Shit on the left wall, shit on the right."

Amusing fact... I'm someone who values the near-anonymity one can have on these boards: I don't post much personal info, I hide my e-mail address, etc. But I also generally avoid posting anything that would cause me embarrassment at work or home, just in case.

So, naturally, I throw out a post that uses the word "shit" seventeen times and the board is hacked wide open within hours. :rolleyes:

Olentzero 08-12-2001 11:45 AM

The poem was a hoot, but do any of you realize just how relevant Borborygmi's nickname is to this thread? That got me laughing more than the poem itself. :D

Borborygmi 08-12-2001 11:50 AM

I know I did! :D :D :D

Billy Rubin 08-12-2001 11:53 AM

Olent, Borbor,thanks.
 
You just learned me a new word

Can't believe I didn't know that-hehe!

b.

omni-not 08-12-2001 12:58 PM

Quote:

. there was a nearly dime sized spatter of shit on the ceiling
Man, that's still a mystery to me (and, I must admit, a bit awe-inpiring). Low ceiling?:)

Or maybe there's no air-conditioner in the room. Just a fan. And, you know...

RTFirefly 08-12-2001 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Borborygmi
RTFirefly, I hope you repost your wonderful observation.
It wasn't one-tenth as good as your inspired Seussian doggerel, Borborygmi, but what the hey:

From high school and college, I remember repeated occurrences of a bathroom graffito that ran basically thus:

"Anyone can piss on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling."

First reaction: never thought I had to worry about someone actually doing it.

Second reaction: Fuckwicket, don't be a hero. :D

'Uigi 08-12-2001 04:02 PM

absolutely the most magnificent piece of poetry I've read (recently)
 
Borbors' just conducted the most subtle and neatest hijack ever!
Who gives a shit; I WANT MORE BORBOR POETRY!!!!

Dave Stewart 08-13-2001 02:34 AM

Its too bad you confronted him. You could have collected it and left it in a bag on his seat.

I don't think his rectum is prehensile: I suspect its got a wide angle lens.

Billy Rubin 08-13-2001 09:28 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Dave Stewart
Its too bad you confronted him. You could have collected it and left it in a bag on his seat.
You related to Martha? Maybe I should have put it in a nice burlap bag, imprinted with flowers.(couldn't resist)
Quote:


I don't think his rectum is prehensile: I suspect its got a wide angle lens.

[snaps fingers in revelation]That's it![/snaps fingers in revelation]he's got a shower massage stuck up there in "wide angle spray" mode! I only need to change it to "narrow stream" and we're O.K.! Where's my pipe wrench....




B.

BoBettie 08-13-2001 12:58 PM

There was shit everywhere, the new paint was peeling
Why that Fuckwicket even got shit on the ceiling!

New sig for me!! I call it!(Can I use curses in my sig line?)

Zette

Olentzero 08-13-2001 02:38 PM

Hey Billy, what was the outcome of that confrontation? Has Fuckwicket cleaned up his act at all?

Cosmopolitan 08-13-2001 03:09 PM

Ohhhhhhhhh...That post had me literally laughing so hard that I was crying - howling aloud, in fact. Good thing no one's home :) Incidentally, "prehensile rectum" is an awesome phrase, right up there with my current favorite word, "defenestration". Seeya later, I need to go take a shit.

Billy Rubin 08-13-2001 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Olentzero
Hey Billy, what was the outcome of that confrontation? Has Fuckwicket cleaned up his act at all?
No such luck. Big glob on the porcelean between the horns of the seat- (how do you get shit in front of you?) this afternoon.

I just don't get it.

b.

Dave Stewart 08-13-2001 08:12 PM

I'm afraid your opening post and the Dr Seuss rhyme might have to do the rounds of my friends...

I have an alternative solution. Peer group pressure. Get 5 of your work mates to follow him in, and then stand around in the toilet basins laughing and joking. He'll freeze up. It will cause him pain. The negative reinforcement conditioning will discourage him from using the work toilet.

Billy Rubin 08-13-2001 10:04 PM

Hope this makes it around everywhere
 
maybe it'll get back to the respective parties.

Otherwise, having said my say to the Fuckwicket, I'm going to let it drop on a personal level.

I have known this man for a while and find him to be a decent person, good engineer, and otherwise OK. So I won't torture him, I'll just try to be charitable and avoid using that crapper. Hell, you never know, maybe he will clean up his act eventually, it may just take time.

In the meantime I WILL be printing the Seuss posting and laminating it, perhaps placing it on the wall of that particular stall.

b.

wolfseyn 08-14-2001 03:30 PM

What's worse?
 
A sick MO-FO with a three-way anus.
OR
Guys and Gals engaging in a conversation, on the internet, about shit (literally).

You people make me sick.
So, sick, that I had dierreaha. You people want a picture?

Billy Rubin 08-14-2001 08:22 PM

Re: What's worse?
 
I suspect, not being able to use your spell check to get "diarrhea" right.

Quote:

Originally posted by wolfseyn

So, sick, that I had dierreaha. You people want a picture?

No, thanks, I think we got it.

b.


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