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-   -   Give us your inauguration speech (in 100 words or less) (https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=793574)

Velocity 05-20-2016 10:54 PM

Give us your inauguration speech (in 100 words or less)
 
So you somehow got elected President and now you are standing in front of the Capitol Building.


I might say something to the effect of...........


"Change is coming. Yes, I know, every President promises that, stop me if you've heard this before. No worries, though, we'll be hamstrung by partisanship and obstructionism so it's all good. We will have single-payer healthcare, a clean environment, a crackdown on fraud and waste, a merit-based approach to college admissions, a media that is held accountable, a stronger military, and send people to Mars. We will weed lobbyists and special interests out of politics. And if you're a terrorist, you'll get change, too, yes - from now on you're getting bombed twice as much as before."



What would you guys do? I know there'll be some fascinating responses. :D

NeonMadman 05-20-2016 11:27 PM

"I told you guys I didn't want to be president, but did you listen? No! That's it; I'm out of here! Vice-president-elect Seinfeld, come up and take the oath!

MEBuckner 05-20-2016 11:44 PM

"Uh...Holy shit! I demand a recount!"

WillFarnaby 05-21-2016 12:13 AM

what is the State? The State is the systematization of the predatory process over a given territory.For crime, at best, is sporadic and uncertain; the parasitism is ephemeral, and The State provides a legal, orderly, systematic channel for the predation of private property. Since production must always precede predation, the free market is anterior to the State. The State has never been created by a “social contract”; it has always been born in conquest and exploitation. A conquering tribe pausing in its time-honored method of looting and murdering a conquered tribe, realized that the timespan of plunder would be longer and more secure, if the conquered tribe were allowed to live and produce, with the conquerors settling among them as rulers and exact tribute...

I quit.

Stolen from https://mises.org/sites/default/file...%20State_3.pdf

Johnny Ace 05-21-2016 03:40 AM

These cans! He hates these cans!

madsircool 05-21-2016 05:47 AM

From this day on, the official language of the USA will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old! The Cubs will never win a World Series!

Jragon 05-21-2016 06:06 AM

No words, just one long psychotic stare for hours.

mascaroni 05-21-2016 06:08 AM

"Did someone die?"

JRDelirious 05-21-2016 04:51 PM

'scuze me while I whip dis out...


People of America, I am humbled and awed, I realize my election means you have reached rock bottom of despair, so I damn well expect y'all to give me no grief about the things we must do to dig ourselves out of this hole, which do NOT include combatting things that you find icky but don't harm you, NOR preventing anyone from feeling stressed or offended. We got bigger problems.

Finally, to my people in Puerto Rico I say, this accomplishment... is MINE! Not yours! YOU did not run! I dedicate you all jacksquat.



Have a good one, I'll be at a private party at Archibald's.

TriPolar 05-21-2016 05:53 PM

"My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over. Our next nightmare starts now."

Czarcasm 05-21-2016 06:23 PM

My fellow Americans, much money was spent to make sure to I became your next President of these Untied States of America. A list of who contributed, and what they expected in return for their contributions, has already been distributed to the press-all meetings having been secretly recorded. I thank them for unwittingly stabbing themselves in their collective backs, and helping put this country back on track, despite themselves.

Wesley Clark 05-21-2016 07:07 PM

Thank you. Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders

Sherrerd 05-21-2016 07:41 PM

Damn, this Oculus Rift is ticketyboo! Western front of the Capitol, so this takes place after 1980….wait, I’m NOT wearing a headset! WTF? Oh, I know—it’s a reality show. Kidnap any random loser and make them President, eh? Well, I’m game: My fellow Americans, today I pledge to you to lower everyone’s taxes and increase everyone’s services and benefits. How will I do it? Volume!

But seriously, folks: what we need is JOBS. The answer: my massive employment training initiative, financed by charging Donald Trump $1 every time he insults someone or claims some group loves him. YOU’RE WELCOME!

Shodan 05-22-2016 09:04 AM

Look, do I have to spell out every damn thing? When I said 'anybody but Trump', THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!

Anyway - I am resigning in favor of Vice-President Romney. God bless America.

Regards,
Shodan

bengangmo 05-22-2016 11:14 AM

Given that it's Hillary defeating Trump...
I'd channel a famous quote...
Well America, we knocked the bastard off.

ElvisL1ves 05-22-2016 11:20 AM

My fellow Americans ... oh wait, I'm the last one left, aren't I? That's the only way this could have happened. I'm off then.

Ranger Jeff 05-22-2016 06:30 PM

"Wow! This is some great shit!"

Measure for Measure 05-22-2016 06:43 PM

I can't promise you the best policies. Nor will I promise the most popular policies. All I will guarantee are deliberation, consultation and application of the best science and investigation. Occasionally we will fall down. But we will then fall forward, facing our mistakes and learning from them.

Also nominal GDP level targeting.

Velocity 05-23-2016 02:56 AM

"My fellow Americans and test subjects........."

Velocity 05-23-2016 02:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jragon (Post 19347082)
No words, just one long psychotic stare for hours.

For the perfecting finishing touch, it needs to be a grinning psychotic stare.

Frodo 05-23-2016 09:38 AM

I think I'll borrow the standard Argentinian inauguration speech:

My (fellow?) Americans, I have good news and bad news:

The good news is that we have paid the country's debts.
The bad news is that we have 24 hours to move out of the country.

Mighty_Girl 05-23-2016 10:17 AM

"As the first winner of 'We Might as Well Pick a President by Lottery'..."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shodan (Post 19348937)
Look, do I have to spell out every damn thing? When I said 'anybody but Trump', THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!

Anyway - I am resigning in favor of Vice-President Romney. God bless America.

Regards,
Shodan

That was funny.

Stanislaus 05-23-2016 10:30 AM

"My fellow Americans... well, that's not strictly accurate, is it?... All you Americans, pin your ears back and listen up. I don't know and frankly don't care just what particular combination of desperation, poor judgement and cocaine-fuelled illegality got us here. No doubt a panicky investigation is taking place as we speak: let me assure you that my first act as President will be to shut that investigation down. The point is that we are here, on a glorious new day: a day on which America died, and Stanistan was born. Strap in, citizens, it's going to be quite a ride..

BrainGlutton 05-23-2016 10:50 AM

"While I have sometimes been accused of impiety, rest assured that I intend to model my Administration on the Papacy of Alexander Borgia."

Biffy the Elephant Shrew 05-23-2016 11:00 AM

"See this, Emily Stewart from 10th grade? I'll bet you're sorry you didn't go out with me now!"

QuickSilver 05-23-2016 11:54 AM

"My fellow Canadians...."

42fish 05-23-2016 12:35 PM

My fellow Americans: What the hell were you thinking? Seriously. Anyway, we're all screwed now.


(Bonus: Can double as Trump's inauguration speech should it prove necessary)

Elendil's Heir 06-01-2016 04:10 PM

I thank you for choosing me to become President of the United States.

We Americans are a hard-working, good and generous people. We can, in freedom, accomplish amazing things: confronting tyranny and extremism, caring for the less fortunate, and exploring the universe. This great republic has met and overcome every challenge for centuries. I am certain that it always will, blessed by God and faithfully guided by the Constitution given us by the genius of the Framers.

And now, with determination, deep humility and an abiding hope for the future, I will swear the same oath sworn by George Washington.

escaped 06-01-2016 04:15 PM

my fellow americans it grieves me to announce change is not coming any legslation i try to enact may likely stall in congress.by midterms my party will be minroty in house and senate it be luck if one member of my party is holding office two years from now.by the timeof my relection i will already be a lame duck president.

SaharaTea 06-01-2016 04:33 PM

"My fellow Americans, it was a fun experiment but the colonies are returning to their rightful place as British subjects. God save the Queen."

BrainGlutton 06-01-2016 05:54 PM

"H.L. Mencken once defined democracy as 'the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.' Grab your ankles, America!"

CaptMurdock 06-01-2016 06:03 PM

"Ohhh, boy."

Johnny Ace 06-01-2016 07:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elendil's Heir (Post 19373088)
I thank you for choosing me to become President of the United States.

We Americans are a hard-working, good and generous people. We can, in freedom, accomplish amazing things: confronting tyranny and extremism, caring for the less fortunate, and exploring the universe. This great republic has met and overcome every challenge for centuries. I am certain that it always will, blessed by God and faithfully guided by the Constitution given us by the genius of the Framers.

And now, with determination, deep humility and an abiding hope for the future, I will swear the same oath sworn by George Washington.

I want a Like button. :)

Qin Shi Huangdi 06-02-2016 05:43 AM

"...and, my comrades, I vow that the following individuals will be deported to corrective labour camps in Alaska:
Rush Limbaugh
Bill Maher
Arthur Chu
Charles and David Koch
Martin Shkreli
Irving Kristol
Joel Osteen
Melissa McEwan
Scott Walker
Roosh V
Sheldon Adelson"

Anny Middon 06-04-2016 12:12 PM

"I know what you're thinking, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?"

Anny, surprised no one has posted this already

Patch 06-05-2016 07:11 PM

My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

Northern Piper 06-06-2016 12:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QuickSilver (Post 19351256)
"My fellow Canadians...."


Wait, wait - I thought Ted Cruz dropped out of the race?!

ultimate11 06-20-2016 10:54 AM

My fellow Americans, the inauguration party begins tonight at 7:00PM, sponsored by Playboy, Jack Daniels, Trojan condoms, Brown's Catering and Vienna Beef. You must be 21 years or older to enter the party, no kids allowed. Alcohol will be provided at the party, along with music, food, and hot babes. Invite only, you must have an invite slip approved by me (and only me) to access the party. Transportation will be provided at the party.

Also, I'm legalizing marijuana. That is all.

Kobal2 06-20-2016 11:13 AM

"You, you, you, you, you and your wife, him and you ; get out. Now. The rest of y'all can stay. FOR NOW."

Chisquirrel 06-20-2016 11:23 AM

"This isn't where I parked my car."

furryman 06-20-2016 02:02 PM

In my best Heinz Doofensmirzt accent.
"At last I've taken over the American area."

Buck Godot 06-20-2016 03:06 PM

"Ummm... I'm not quite sure how the happened and I apologize for any inconvenience to anyone that my election may have caused. My first days in office will be devoted to finding a suitable replacement, and I will do my best to hold things together until he or she can be sworn in. Please bear with me in the days ahead, I'll get out of your hair and get things back to normal as soon as I can."

smithsb 06-20-2016 03:28 PM

Pardon me while I step out of this human suit.

Frodo 06-20-2016 03:29 PM

Mua haha haha haha HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAMUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

ruh-roh 06-20-2016 04:43 PM

And now for something completely different.

(as the band strikes up "The Liberty Bell")

BrainGlutton 06-20-2016 04:48 PM

"As I promised on the campaign trail, I will now release the hostages."

Elendil's Heir 06-20-2016 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ruh-roh (Post 19419756)
And now for something completely different.

(as the band strikes up "The Liberty Bell")

I was at Bill Clinton's first inauguration in 1993, and the Marine Band actually played it!

Blue Max 06-20-2016 05:10 PM

"My Fellow Americans.

The hour of a new future is upon us. History will remember the day that we left the old, stagnant stalemates of yesteryear and embrace a new era of progress, of reinvestment, and a new competitiveness to make our economy, our society and our children the very best they can be.

Some politicians wish to spend billions of dollars to build a wall. We're going to be building--and repairing--our roads, our trains, and our airports.

Some politicians believe that healthcare is a great way to force Americans into bankruptcy and poverty. We're going to create single payer healthcare for all Americans.

Some politicians seek to destroy families and deport over ten million undocumented immigrants to this country. I am issuing, by executive order, an amnesty and a path to citizenship, for all those who have complied with the law.

Some politicians believe that we should sell firearms to terror suspects, to the mentally ill, and to hardened criminals. We will ban the myriad ways that our laws allow these purchases, and we will hold accountable those who would make those transactions.

Some politicians believe that the war on drugs is a war worth waging. For forty years, we've sought to punish those who use controlled substances but have basically made them unable to live normal lives and created a gigantic underworld economy. It is long overdue to end stiff punishments against non-violent drug users and address drug use for what it is--a symptom of mental health. Our Administration will seek to offer rehabilitation as a national priority.

Finally, my fellow Americans, too many politicians have simply voted for their donor friends. Too many have and implemented policies reflecting the names on their checks and too few have listened to what you have to say. We have the right to regulate our elections, to get dark money out of politics, and to defend our own freedom from lobbyists. I will require my nominees to the Supreme Court to overturn the misguided mantra of money as speech, and if it is otherwise impossible, I will call for a constitutional amendment to explicitly claim this freedom for all Americans.

Thank you all.
God Bless You
God Bless the United States of America!"

penultima thule 06-20-2016 08:18 PM

In a triumph of the middling, a nod to mediocrity, and with gorge rising, it gives me great nausea to announce that yes,I am your new President;

As a winner I dedicate a sincere and heartfelt "fuck you!" to all losers.

I offer a government dedicated to self promotion;

This is a reversion to the mean, the nasty, the bigoted and the blinkered;
A demonstration of the power of the American Dream, reality TV and a solid advertising budget;
And will give hope to millions unfavoured by the exceptional, and a windfall to popcorn retailers.

The Vice Presidency, was once famously described as not being worth a warm bucket of spit; let's now bring the Presidency to the same unexhaulted level. Not the worst. Not the best. Just what you're stuck with.

Thank God Iím an American by birth. Amen.

[with all due apologies and acknowledgements to the scriptwriters from "The West Wing"]

Elendil's Heir 06-20-2016 09:29 PM

You both saw the 100-word limit, right?


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