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-   -   Best "edited for TV lines" (https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=812012)

Darren Garrison 11-26-2016 08:36 AM

Best "edited for TV lines"
 
The "Is Die Hard a Christmas movie" thread brought this topic to mind. The Die Hard TV edit famously has the line "yippee ki-yay Mister Falcon" (and there must be two edits, because I also seem to remember "yippee ki-yay my friend.")

Anyone got any favorite bowdlerizations?

Martini Enfield 11-26-2016 08:42 AM

The Big Lebowski is famous for being bowdlerised for TV, with Walter Sobchak declaring "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FIND A STRANGER IN THE ALPS!" as he smashes up an expensive car he mistakenly believes belongs to someone he's trying to intimidate.

The unbowdlerised line was "This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!", incidentally.

Catamount 11-26-2016 08:48 AM

For years I thought Peter Venkman told the mayor of New York that the EPA guy was "some kind of rodent, I don't know which."

The real line is: "Yes, it's true. This man has no dick."

I still think the edited line is funnier.

Terminus Est 11-26-2016 08:49 AM

"I've had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!" - This is arguably better than the original line.

Amateur Barbarian 11-26-2016 08:51 AM

When Blazing Saddles first came to TV, the cacophony of farts in the bean eating scene was dubbed with frantic horses whinnying.

Biggirl 11-26-2016 08:52 AM

I believe it was Die Hard where I heard "Melon farmer" replacing "motherfucker". There was also how the TV ruined the best joke in Speed when Alan Ruck is relaying Keanu Reeve's answers to, um, headquarters. Keanu looks under the bus, sees the bomb and says "Fuck me!" and Alan relays it as "Oh darn!" In the TV version Keanu says "Oh no!"

And nope, I do not remember the characters names.

Quimby 11-26-2016 09:45 AM

My favorite because it was so bad was from Police Academy.

The original line is "Nobody fucks with me!" In the TV version you get "Nobody....long pause....[completely different voice with a different volume] PLAYS...long pause...with me". We thought it was so hilarious it became an inside joke with me and my friends when I was a kid.

hogarth 11-26-2016 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Biggirl (Post 19809288)
I believe it was Die Hard where I heard "Melon farmer" replacing "motherfucker".

I think "melon farmer" is from the TV cut of "Repo Man".
melon farmer

One I remember is from "Trading Places". The line "Say man, when I was growing up, if we wanted a jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub" became "we had to fight in the tub". Still made sense, I suppose.

terentii 11-26-2016 10:20 AM

When The Sopranos went from HBO to A&E (I think), every "Cocksucker!" became "Bloodsucker!" and every "Fuck you!" became "Forget you!"

The first time they aired Blazing Saddles on TV, Lili von Shtupp became "Lili von Shhhhhhhhh...." I'm sure just about every other line was cut as well, but that's the one I remember best. Oddly enough, Mel Brooks himself was reported to have cut a line that even he thought was too gross: When Lili asked Bart in the dark "Is it twue what they say about you people? [ZIP!] Oh, it's twue! It's twue!" Bart replied "I hate to tell you this, baby, but that's my elbow you're suckin' on!"

jaycat 11-26-2016 10:33 AM

How about Mick Jagger singing "let's spend some time together" when the Stones appeared on the Ed Sullivan show?

JKellyMap 11-26-2016 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaycat (Post 19809427)
How about Mick Jagger singing "let's spend some time together" when the Stones appeared on the Ed Sullivan show?

Accompanied by the biggest roll-eyes the world has ever seen.

CalMeacham 11-26-2016 11:34 AM

When they first broadcast The Godfather on network TV they had to change Sonny's (James Caan's) line

"I don't want him coming out of the bathroom with his dick in his hand"


(referring to Michael Corleone's getting the stashed gun and shooting Sollozo and Captain McCluskey in the restaurant. In one of the most subtle bowdlerizationbs I know of, they changed the line to:

"I don't want him coming out of the bathroom with a stick in his hand."


It sounds almost the same. And it actually makes sense, unlike so many other cleaning jobs.

Gatopescado 11-26-2016 11:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hogarth (Post 19809376)
I think "melon farmer" is from the TV cut of "Repo Man".
melon farmer

This movie also features more Flip You's than a Cirque du Soleil matinee.

Biffy the Elephant Shrew 11-26-2016 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JKellyMap (Post 19809488)
Accompanied by the biggest roll-eyes the world has ever seen.

LOL. And Mick later tried to deny he actually sang it that way. He told Rolling Stone something like "I never said 'time,' I just mumbled. I said mmmm. Let's Spend Some Mmmm Together." Sorry, Mick, we've seen the reruns!

terentii 11-26-2016 11:43 AM

Not a line, but a moment: When Revenge of the Nerds was shown on TV, they cut the part where the kid watching the live feed from Pi Alpha Pi came in in his pants. :smack:

When they showed Animal House on TV, the part where the padding fell out of Katie's bra was also cut. :(

Lamia 11-26-2016 11:45 AM

I don't think I ever knew what movie this was, it was just something I stopped on briefly while channel surfing, but one man told another to stop thinking with his duck.

Yllaria 11-26-2016 12:52 PM

In My Cousin Vinny, Vinny's girlfriend refuses to answer a question during the trial because "It's a bogus question!" It kept the meaning of the sentence nicely.

hogarth 11-26-2016 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darren Garrison (Post 19809265)
The "Is Die Hard a Christmas movie" thread brought this topic to mind. The Die Hard TV edit famously has the line "yippee ki-yay Mister Falcon" (and there must be two edits, because I also seem to remember "yippee ki-yay my friend.")

I think I've seen it edited as "yippee ki-yay yippee ki-yay", even though that didn't match his lips very well.

Mahaloth 11-26-2016 03:17 PM

I watched Sideways on a plane and "asshole" was "Ashcroft".

Ponch8 11-26-2016 04:17 PM

In Major League, Roger Dorn tells Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn, "strike this motherfucker out." In some edits I've seen on TV, it becomes "strike this..guy...out." Note the long pauses. To top it off, whoever said the word guy had a much lower voice than Dorn.

John DiFool 11-26-2016 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amateur Barbarian (Post 19809285)
When Blazing Saddles first came to TV, the cacophony of farts in the bean eating scene was dubbed with frantic horses whinnying.

Frau Blucher must have been lurking in the darkness.

breezman 11-26-2016 10:54 PM

I've read that the "squeal like a pig" line from Deliverance was an improvised line that could be used in a TV-edited version of the film, but the director liked it better and decided to use it in the actual movie.

Source.

RivkahChaya 11-26-2016 11:17 PM

The first time Eddie and the Cruisers appeared of TV, you couldn't say "hell," or at least couldn't say it in the time slot when the movie was shown. Now, if you haven't seen Eddie and the Cruisers, it's about a band who had an album called A Season in Hell, which got mentioned over and over again. In the edited version, they just blanked out the word "hell," without replacing it with anything (like, I don't know, "a season in Hades"? just, something). So every time the mentioned the title, it was "A season in [silence]." The silence lasted exactly as long as it took the character to mouth the word "hell."

It was annoying.

ZPG Zealot 11-27-2016 02:43 AM

The first time I saw the movie Hart's War (Bruce Willis, Colin Ferrell, WWII movie with plot holes a Sherman could be driven through) was the edited for television version. While most of the movie is horrible there was a scene I found somewhat dramatic and moving. The America P.O.W.s were tossing loaves of bread to their Soviet counterparts who were being treated far less humanely. The Germans guards stop this by shooting the hand of the guy doing the throwing. The leader of the Americans played by Bruce Willis picks up the fallen loaf of bread, utters the censored line "Feed them," (implying that he was directing his second in command that if the Germans shot him dead, the Americans were to continue aiding the Soviet P.O.W.s) and then heroically throws the bread over to their Soviets. I was very disappointed upon viewing the uncensored version of the movie that his actual line was "Fuck them."

ekedolphin 11-27-2016 03:36 AM

Robin Hood: Men in Tights:

Original line:

Prince John: Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
Latrine: We changed it in the 9th century.
Prince John: You mean you changed it TO "Latrine"?
Latrine: Yeah. Used to be "Shithouse."
Prince John: It's a good change. That's a good change!

The edited line removes Latrine's last sentence, making the joke completely incomprehensible.

Mavic Chen 11-28-2016 11:18 AM

In the UK Die Hard became "yippee kai eh Kimosabe"

Nonsuch 11-28-2016 11:44 AM

When the Blues Brothers was shown on TV, there was all kinds of swearing dubbed over, but that's not the change that stuck with me. It was during the period when the (ironically Mafia-backed) Italian American Anti-Defamation League was putting pressure on the media not to use the word Mafia, claiming it was an ethnic slur. Consequently, when Jake and Elwood retreat backstage at their concert and Jake says, "My god, the Mafia's out there!" it's clumsily dubbed to "My god, the Mob's out there!"

Made in Macau 11-29-2016 03:07 PM

Midnight Run. De Niro says to Grodin - 'I've got only two words to say to you - shut the fuck up!'
On British TV this became 'I've only got two words to say to you - shut up!', entirely negating the joke.

MiM

Morbo 11-29-2016 03:36 PM

My family used to laugh about these all the time. Some that I still remember:

Caddyshack; Original: "Hey everybody! We're all going to get laid!" TV: "Hey everybody! We're all going to take a shower!"

Weird Science: Original: "But first, let me...butter yer muffin." TV: "But first, let me....better know ya, muffin!"

Sixteen Candles: Original: "No more yankee my wankee - the Donger needs food!" TV: "No more Yankee rum drinkee!"

Smokey and the Bandit: making this one extra great was that the guy they got to dub Jackie Gleason's lines sounded absolutely nothing like him, so every time he said "sumbitch" the sound dropped out and a much deeper bad southern voice said "scum bum"

But our all-time favorite is Casino when it aired on USA Network. They very lazily changed every "fuck" to "freak." Every single one. All Four Hundred and Thirty-Five of them. It's actually surreal, hearing Sharon Stone say "Freak you, you freaking motherfreaker!" Or DeNiro say "Oh Freak Yooou, FREEEEAK YOOOOOUUU!"

Kimballkid 11-29-2016 03:46 PM

Frank Caliendo's take on replacement words.

Toxgoddess 11-29-2016 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ponch8 (Post 19810027)
In Major League, Roger Dorn tells Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn, "strike this motherfucker out." In some edits I've seen on TV, it becomes "strike this..guy...out." Note the long pauses. To top it off, whoever said the word guy had a much lower voice than Dorn.

I came in here to mention this. In addition to the voice mismatch, Roger was being very emphatic in his speech, overemphasizing each syllable, making it incredibly obvious by watching his lips what he was saying. The dubbing was so bad that we wondered if it was done on purpose, as a middle finger to the network, or a way to highlight instead of hide what he was really saying.

It was actually hilarious in its own right.

carnivorousplant 11-29-2016 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by terentii (Post 19809411)
When The Sopranos went from HBO to A&E (I think), every "Cocksucker!" became "Bloodsucker!" and every "Fuck you!" became "Forget you!"

The first time they aired Blazing Saddles on TV, Lili von Shtupp became "Lili von Shhhhhhhhh...." I'm sure just about every other line was cut as well, but that's the one I remember best. Oddly enough, Mel Brooks himself was reported to have cut a line that even he thought was too gross: When Lili asked Bart in the dark "Is it twue what they say about you people? [ZIP!] Oh, it's twue! It's twue!" Bart replied "I hate to tell you this, baby, but that's my elbow you're suckin' on!"

"Shtupp" is Yiddish for "fuck".

Did they edit the infamous "N word"?

Soylent Juicy 11-29-2016 04:16 PM

"The Breakfast Club" where Molly Ringwald is clearly saying "Fuck you" but it's coming out "Shut up."

Not TV but radio: the Dire Straits song "Money for Nothing" is now missing the "little faggot with the earring and the makeup" verse.

...and I just remembered Alanis Morisette's "You Oughta Know" on the radio: "Are you thinking of me when you...fghrrrr."

terentii 11-29-2016 07:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnivorousplant (Post 19817296)
"Shtupp" is Yiddish for "fuck".

Thank you, Counselor. :)

Quote:

Did they edit the infamous "N word"?
Don't think so. At least, not very much. If they had, there wouldn't have been much of a movie.

I think they left in "Kansas City faggots," too.

"Jerking off" and "asshole" were definitely cut.

So much was cut, in fact, they had to insert a scene I'd never seen before to make it last at least two hours, even with commercials: Bart and the Kid encounter a bunch of Baptists while they're running from the Klansmen and use them to duck into the river.

RivkahChaya 11-29-2016 07:47 PM

Actually, "shtup" is more like Yiddish for "nail" or "boff." It's not quite as offensive as "fuck." No one would ever say "fuck" in front of a child back when I was a child, and they would say "shtup." (Not to children, just let it slip in adult conversations when children were present.) The worst Yiddish word imaginable was apparently "shmuck," which people didn't say in front of children, and which children got their mouths washed out with soap (or at any rate, that was the threat) for saying "shmuck."*

Actually, there was a word for "girl parts" that I never even heard until I was a teenager that maybe was even worse. I'm really not sure.

*My mother only actually washed my mouth out with soap once. She got a small amount of soap on a damp rag and wiped my mouth out with it. It wasn't for any particular word, though. It was for saying something unkind, of which I am now very ashamed, and I think I deserved the punishment. I was also grounded for the rest of the day. I was eight or nine and knew better.

carnivorousplant 11-29-2016 08:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RivkahChaya (Post 19817799)
Actually, "shtup" is more like Yiddish for "nail" or "boff."

Mrs. Plant (v.2.0) told me that. I converted to marry her. Was it all in vain? :eek:

terentii 11-29-2016 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RivkahChaya (Post 19817799)
Actually, "shtup" is more like Yiddish for "nail" or "boff." It's not quite as offensive as "fuck."

In one interview (for Playboy, I think), Mel Brooks said (jokingly, I'm sure) that at one point he considered calling Blazing Saddles "She Shtupps to Conquer."

cormac262 11-30-2016 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nonsuch (Post 19813713)
When the Blues Brothers was shown on TV, there was all kinds of swearing dubbed over, but that's not the change that stuck with me. It was during the period when the (ironically Mafia-backed) Italian American Anti-Defamation League was putting pressure on the media not to use the word Mafia, claiming it was an ethnic slur. Consequently, when Jake and Elwood retreat backstage at their concert and Jake says, "My god, the Mafia's out there!" it's clumsily dubbed to "My god, the Mob's out there!"

The one that irks me most from the Blue Brothers is Charles Napier's best line: "yer gonna look pretty damn funny eating corn on the cob....with no fuckin' teeth !" gets hacked to "yer gonna look pretty ... funny eating corn" WTF ???

TBG 11-30-2016 11:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Terminus Est (Post 19809280)
"I've had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!" - This is arguably better than the original line.

If you had not beaten me to it (by quite a long margin) this would have been mine.

I also "like" the way Ghostbusters changes from calling Peck dickless to some nonsense about a weasel.

Angel of the Lord 12-01-2016 12:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cormac262 (Post 19819225)
The one that irks me most from the Blue Brothers is Charles Napier's best line: "yer gonna look pretty damn funny eating corn on the cob....with no fuckin' teeth !" gets hacked to "yer gonna look pretty ... funny eating corn" WTF ???

The one that bugs me the most is them completely cutting out the phrase "Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ." I mean...it makes that scene. It's my favorite line in the movie.

They also cut out the word "shit" in the "You're really up shit creek" line with the nun. It's, "You're really up a creek." And they change the "Christ" to "God." The nun-ruler-desk-slap scene doesn't work if you change all of the swear words.

Accidental Martyr 12-01-2016 12:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martini Enfield (Post 19809271)
The Big Lebowski is famous for being bowdlerised for TV, with Walter Sobchak declaring "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FIND A STRANGER IN THE ALPS!" as he smashes up an expensive car he mistakenly believes belongs to someone he's trying to intimidate.

The unbowdlerised line was "This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!", incidentally.

Some friends of mine used that as the title for their band's CD.
https://www.amazon.com/Find-Stranger.../dp/B002A8F49M

E-DUB 12-01-2016 12:17 AM

Slightly OT, but I told a co-worker about the whole "melon farmer" thing. In fairly short order, "melon farmer" became an office phrase.

pkbites 12-01-2016 12:48 AM

In the awesome movie Meatballs (Yeah, we're going back a few years):

Original: [Starts @ 1:18:00] "What's the matter with you, you're pacing like an expectant father with the clap!"

TV: "what's the matter with you, you're pacing like an expectant father....with bad teeth!"

D'oh! :smack:

Siam Sam 12-01-2016 01:02 AM

I remember watching A Bridge Too Far on TV way back when -- once on cable and once on regular network. One scene has Elliott Gould sent up to see if a crucial bridge -- not the one in the title -- was still standing. It was. He's standing by his jeep grinning when it suddenly blows up right in front of him. On cable, he let loose with a stream of hardcore profanity, but on network it got changed to, "Golly! Gee Willikers! Gosh!" etc.

JKellyMap 12-01-2016 05:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Accidental Martyr (Post 19821135)
Some friends of mine used that as the title for their band's CD.
https://www.amazon.com/Find-Stranger.../dp/B002A8F49M

Awesome.

appleaday 12-01-2016 06:02 AM

TV broadcast of Thelma and Louise : after the near-rape scene, the attacker says "I should have touched her" ,which makes no sense as he has been touching her all along. I assume the original line was "I should have fucked her." I didn't see this one during its theater run, so just guessing, but "fucked" makes a lot more sense than "touched". Can't help but wonder what else the censors messed with in that movie.

TPWombat 12-01-2016 06:19 AM

Sent up by Harry Enfield in Badfellas "Viewers might like to know that this film has been specially ruined for Television"

Intergalactic Gladiator 12-01-2016 09:46 AM

I was overseas when Quick Change came to video and I remember watching it several times. On my plane ride back I got to watch it again and the mobster at one point said "Open the Viking door."

Annie-Xmas 12-01-2016 10:14 AM

Another Blues Brothers one: Donald Dunn's line "We had a band that could turn goat piss into gasoline" became "goat milk."

terentii 12-01-2016 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Intergalactic Gladiator (Post 19821652)
I was overseas when Quick Change came to video and I remember watching it several times. On my plane ride back I got to watch it again and the mobster at one point said "Open the Viking door."

I was watching The Hateful 8 on a plane several months after I'd seen it in 70mm. They didn't cut the blowjob scene, but they sure pixeled the hell out of it!

Yeah, right. Like, now you can't tell what's going on. Uh-huh. :rolleyes: :eek: :smack:


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