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-   -   Existential Pizza Threat (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=816221)

Stratocaster 01-13-2017 06:08 PM

Existential Pizza Threat
 
Okay, get this. We ordered pizza, which I picked up on the way home from work. Now, I loves me yummy olives, but this was only the second time we ordered that topping--half mushroom / olives, half boring plain for my wife.

When I get home, we discover that they used whole olives. That's right, unsliced intact olives, staring at me like a dozen creepy eyes.

I don't have a lot of olive experience with pizza, but the first time they were sliced, like you'd expect in a civilized pizza. Can this second abomination be right, whole olives? Is that how it's done?

Well, if sliced olives are wrong, I don't want to be right. Whole olives on a pizza are a sacrilege. Plus, the pizza was a slippery, mooshed-up mess. I did not tilt the box at all, though I suspect my wife doesn't believe me. I think it was all those whole olives destroying the geometry of the pizza, creating cheese tides with the gravitational pull of their huge, unwholesome presence.

This is an outrage. All this blather about Russian hacking while this is going on. I don't want to live in a country that permits this. As far as I'm concerned, the terrorists have won. Next time, anchovies. That is all.

Jack Batty 01-13-2017 06:16 PM

Didn't Existential Pizza Threat open Lollipalooza back in '95?

teela brown 01-13-2017 06:16 PM

I recently went to a new fancy wood-fired oven pizza joint, and we ordered olives on our pizza. Instead of sliced ones, we got whole, pitted kalamatas. They were heavenly! I can't wait to go back.

Oh, we also had spicy Italian sausage and artichoke hearts on it as well.

Idle Thoughts 01-13-2017 07:31 PM

This is a bit more Cafe Society-related, so I'm going to move it there.

Stratocaster 01-13-2017 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Idle Thoughts (Post 19919081)
This is a bit more Cafe Society-related, so I'm going to move it there.

Now I have to deal with this jackbooted outrage. By the way, the olives kept rolling off the pizza while I was eating it. No one should have to endure this.

snfaulkner 01-13-2017 11:16 PM

First of all, no pepperoni = not a pizza.
Secondly, olive are an abomination all by themselves.
Thirdly, some other nonsense I can't remember.

MrDibble 01-13-2017 11:27 PM

Assuming the olives were at least pitted, this is exactly what I would expect when I order a pizza with olives. If they kept rolling off, there's something wrong with your cheese, too.

Sefton 01-13-2017 11:42 PM

You don't like a dozen creepy eyes in your pizza? Weirdo.

Trinopus 01-14-2017 12:17 AM

Gotta agree: I love olives on pizza, but sliced olives are the way it's done. As noted, whole olives just roll off.

Anchovies are great! They're also a wonderful defense against friends who stop by and ask for a slice. "Sure, have a slice." "Thanks....WHOA! Anchovies! EEEYUCK!"

Haven't had to share in a good long while!

outlierrn 01-14-2017 12:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sefton (Post 19919399)
You don't like a dozen creepy eyes in your pizza? Weirdo.

Sounds like the beginning of a Stephen King short story

foolsguinea 01-14-2017 01:52 AM

Green or black?

standingwave 01-14-2017 02:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Idle Thoughts (Post 19919081)
This is a bit more Cafe Society-related, so I'm going to move it there.

I wonder where it was originally. Was it in the Pit? Get it? :D

I could see some avant garde pizzaria trying something stupid like whole olives on a pie but that would be the last time for me. Pizza is proletariat not bourgeoisie.

Half Man Half Wit 01-14-2017 05:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by teela brown (Post 19918945)
I recently went to a new fancy wood-fired oven pizza joint, and we ordered olives on our pizza. Instead of sliced ones, we got whole, pitted kalamatas. They were heavenly! I can't wait to go back.

This is the way it's meant to be done. You get the whole, delicious flavour of a fully ripened olive, not the green ones painted black.

Stratocaster 01-14-2017 05:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trinopus (Post 19919441)
Gotta agree: I love olives on pizza, but sliced olives are the way it's done. As noted, whole olives just roll off.

Anchovies are great! They're also a wonderful defense against friends who stop by and ask for a slice. "Sure, have a slice." "Thanks....WHOA! Anchovies! EEEYUCK!"

Haven't had to share in a good long while!

That is indeed an excellent strategy. But my wife says anchovies on a pizza, even if only on half, pollutes the rest of the pizza. So when we order, it has to be on the side, with the anchovies trapped in one of those little plastic dish containers, instead of resting free on top of the pizza like God intended.

jz78817 01-14-2017 05:24 AM

Olives are a crime against humanity. Whole vs. sliced is but a trifle.

Stratocaster 01-14-2017 05:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by foolsguinea (Post 19919507)
Green or black?

Black, and sliced, thank you.

Novelty Bobble 01-14-2017 07:52 AM

Always have olives on a pizza, always black, never sliced

Lemur866 01-14-2017 08:31 AM

I order my olives shaken, personally.

wolfman 01-14-2017 08:43 AM

The fundamental problem is the eating of olives. Olives are simple the container in which yummy Olive oil is developed and stored. Complaining about whole olives on pizza is like complaining that your bowl of cereal had the the whole box on top, instead of the box being diced up and sprinkled over it.

CarnalK 01-14-2017 10:11 AM

I find mushrooms often make the cheese slippy on pizza. Just one of the ways they ruin everything they touch. So the pizza was doomed anyway so you might as well just put whole olives on there. All you're missing now is pineapple and anchovies.

Elendil's Heir 01-14-2017 10:16 AM

And yet the republic still stands.

Chronos 01-14-2017 10:22 AM

Sliced olives are better on a pizza than whole, but either way is good. I suspect that they were left whole so you could see that they were the fancy Kalamata olives instead of the cheaper kind... though, if the pizza place did things even remotely correctly, the flavor should be enough to let you know that.

And second that if anything was rolling around, there was a problem with the cheese.

Stratocaster 01-14-2017 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elendil's Heir (Post 19919974)
And yet the republic still stands.

For now. In my opinion this olive business puts us right on the brink.

Stratocaster 01-14-2017 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chronos (Post 19919991)
Sliced olives are better on a pizza than whole, but either way is good. I suspect that they were left whole so you could see that they were the fancy Kalamata olives instead of the cheaper kind... though, if the pizza place did things even remotely correctly, the flavor should be enough to let you know that.

And second that if anything was rolling around, there was a problem with the cheese.

I have to admit, the olives were yummy. And the pizza was a sloshy, cheesy mess, which could explain the rolling olives. But no flip-flopping for me. Whole olives on a pizza is just wrong. If I order pineapple, there better not be a whole specimen of the fruit sitting on the pie like it was Carmen Miranda's hat.

pulykamell 01-14-2017 10:55 AM

On traditional American style pizza, I've only seen olives sliced. I definitely have seen whole olives on pizza outside the US, and probably in some more Euro-style American pizza joints--I'm having a difficult time remembering exactly where. And I have encountered them with pits, but, as I said above, that is very unusual for pizza generally here in the US.

Half Man Half Wit 01-14-2017 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stratocaster (Post 19920035)
If I order pineapple, there better not be a whole specimen of the fruit sitting on the pie like it was Carmen Miranda's hat.

If you think pineapple on your pizza is even remotely acceptable, then you obviously have bigger problems than whether your olives are sliced.

Channing Idaho Banks 01-14-2017 11:04 AM

So, you wanted sliced olives that look like 50 eyeballs staring back at you?

Ukulele Ike 01-14-2017 11:04 AM

I like to crush Nicoise or Kalamata olives, extract the pits, and use them whole when I make pissaladiere.

Yes, pissaladiere. Now go ahead and make vicious fun of the name of my delicious, delicious French pizza.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pissaladi%C3%A8re

Ukulele Ike 01-14-2017 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Channing Idaho Banks (Post 19920101)
So, you wanted sliced olives that look like 50 eyeballs staring back at you?

I like how they seem to follow you around the room.

Stratocaster 01-14-2017 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Half Man Half Wit (Post 19920090)
If you think pineapple on your pizza is even remotely acceptable, then you obviously have bigger problems than whether your olives are sliced.

Don't be a hater. Unless it's for unsliced olives on pizza.

billfish678 01-14-2017 01:46 PM

Hey I like olives. Either sliced, or pitted, or even with the pit in them.

But I don't want to be depitting olives while eating my pizza (or missing one and breaking a toof).

Hey, at least you didn't get a very nasty looking pizza. I think I wrote a thread about the dreaded "vomit pizza" a few years back. The visuals still haunt me.

Ponch8 01-14-2017 02:02 PM

One of these days we olive lovers will rise up and crush our enemies. Then EVERY pizza will automatically come with olives.

Bryan Ekers 01-14-2017 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by foolsguinea (Post 19919507)
Green or black?


If the pizza eyes are black, it's because they walked into a door. That's what they tell the cops if they know what's good for them.

billfish678 01-14-2017 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ponch8 (Post 19920538)
One of these days we olive lovers will rise up and crush our enemies. Then EVERY pizza will automatically come with olives.

Keep dreaming...us ollve lovers will just roll over yet again. It's what we do.

Turek 01-14-2017 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ponch8 (Post 19920538)
One of these days we olive lovers will rise up and crush our enemies.

And it will be known as "The First Pressing." :D

billfish678 01-14-2017 03:19 PM

Extra "virgin" indeedy :)

Chronos 01-14-2017 04:07 PM

I think we can all agree that olive pits have no place on a pizza. That's in the same category as spaghetti sauce with unpeeled shrimp, or eggs baked in the shell into a loaf of bread.

Trinopus 01-14-2017 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stratocaster (Post 19920397)
Don't be a hater. Unless it's for unsliced olives on pizza.

"Pizza fan" and "hater" are almost synonymous!

Smith's Law: Everybody doesn't like something good. (e.g., there are people who don't like chocolate, or Disneyland, or any kind of seafood.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chronos (Post 19920802)
I think we can all agree that olive pits have no place on a pizza. That's in the same category as spaghetti sauce with unpeeled shrimp, or eggs baked in the shell into a loaf of bread.

I'd be willing to try the spaghetti sauce over shrimp! Sounds pretty good, actually!

Olive pits and eggshells...yeah, you're pretty much on solid ground there!

WildBlueYonder 01-16-2017 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stratocaster (Post 19919602)
Black, and sliced, thank you.

One of my jr high teachers lived down the road from where I grew. They always had green olives on their pizza so I was not willing to try. One time I did after I picked off the olives, it had a tang to the taste...interesting but not willing to try a pizza with them all over the place!!


Quote:

Originally Posted by jz78817 (Post 19919600)
Olives are a crime against humanity. Whole vs. sliced is but a trifle.

I agree wholeheartedly! :D:D

Quote:

Originally Posted by snfaulkner (Post 19919371)
First of all, no pepperoni = not a pizza.
Secondly, olive are an abomination all by themselves.
Thirdly, some other nonsense I can't remember.

What makes a pizza, a pizza with pepperoni???? :dubious::dubious:


"Everyone" seems to like them that way but not the only item on it. The only time I like the pepperoni is when mushrooms, onions, green pepper and ham is on it. I can, eat, pizza with only pepperoni upon it, but, I just dont get why "everyone" seems to like the greasy round meat.:eek::eek:

Secondly, that one bears worth repeating!! Abomination indeed! :D

TRC4941 01-16-2017 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snfaulkner (Post 19919371)
First of all, no pepperoni = not a pizza.
Secondly, olive are an abomination all by themselves.
Thirdly, some other nonsense I can't remember.

Hear! Hear! On all accounts!

BigT 01-16-2017 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chronos (Post 19919991)
Sliced olives are better on a pizza than whole, but either way is good. I suspect that they were left whole so you could see that they were the fancy Kalamata olives instead of the cheaper kind... though, if the pizza place did things even remotely correctly, the flavor should be enough to let you know that.

And second that if anything was rolling around, there was a problem with the cheese.

They can accomplish that by just splitting them down the middle, so they dont' roll off, but you can still see them.

They better have given him more olives to make up for this, since whole olives take up less surface area on the pizza, meaning fewer bites with olives in them.

MacLir 01-17-2017 10:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stratocaster (Post 19919599)
That is indeed an excellent strategy. But my wife says anchovies on a pizza, even if only on half, pollutes the rest of the pizza. So when we order, it has to be on the side, with the anchovies trapped in one of those little plastic dish containers, instead of resting free on top of the pizza like God intended.

The one time I was intentionally rude to a waitress involved a similar instance.

We ordered a pizza with anchovies, and through whatever failure, they were not put on. The waitress then tried to gloss it over by offering a dish of anchovies - "You can put them on it, and it's, ya know, like, the same thing " instead of asking if we wanted to do that or wait for a redo.

I would have been quite reasonable if she had done this, but just trying to shine us on set me off. :mad: I have a facility with accents and dialects and a strong tendency to sarcasm, so I fired back at her in an exaggerated version of the Valley Girl she had lapsed into, and asked her how she would feel if she had ordered a hamburger and gotten raw meat "'Cause it's, like, ya know, the same, like, thing" followed by more in the same vein. I don't know if she had never dealt with criticism, or what, but she took it rather badly.

More than a bit petty, but it's like the meme "You had one simple job, and ". I left a fair tip anyway, as service staff depend on that, and I didn't want to punish her more then the verbal reprimand. :o

MacLir 01-17-2017 10:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Half Man Half Wit (Post 19920090)
If you think pineapple on your pizza is even remotely acceptable, then you obviously have bigger problems than whether your olives are sliced.

Well said (golf clap)

Corner Case 01-17-2017 12:59 PM

If I order a pizza and ask for olives, I would not expect whole olives (pitted or otherwise). Similarly, I would not expect a salami sausage, a whole pineapple, mushroom caps with stems, a package of bacon, or a block of Velveeta cheese.

However, if you wanted to put on a package of bacon, I wouldn't complain!

N.B.
  • Canadian Bacon is NOT Ham!
  • Cheese Pizza is not pizza - it is pie crust waiting to be filled!
  • Pineapple on pizza is heavenly!

Cartoonacy 01-17-2017 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trinopus (Post 19920843)
I'd be willing to try the spaghetti sauce over shrimp! Sounds pretty good, actually!

No no no no no... the post said "spaghetti sauce WITH unpreeled shrimp." As an ingredient, not shrimp as the entree with sauce on top. At least, that's how I read it.

And spaghetti sauce with shrimp IS very good. But the kicker is the adjective "unpeeled." I don't mind peeling shrimp myself, but I hate picking them out of my sauce-covered spaghetti to do it.

gigi 01-17-2017 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by foolsguinea (Post 19919507)
Green or black?

O-lives matter.

MacLir 01-17-2017 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cartoonacy (Post 19927617)
No no no no no... the post said "spaghetti sauce WITH unpreeled shrimp." As an ingredient, not shrimp as the entree with sauce on top. At least, that's how I read it.

And spaghetti sauce with shrimp IS very good. But the kicker is the adjective "unpeeled." I don't mind peeling shrimp myself, but I hate picking them out of my sauce-covered spaghetti to do it.

Apparently some people eat the shells. I have encountered a Chinese dish called Crystal Shrimp where the idea was obviously to eat them with the shell on. (Didn't order that again!)

When I cook with raw shrimp I shell them completely including the tail fins that a lot of people leave on. Except if I'm just boiling them - then it's easier to shell after they're cooked.

Trinopus 01-17-2017 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MacLir (Post 19928111)
Apparently some people eat the shells. . . .

Shrimp shells: yum! Crunchy chitiny goodness. Seriously, I like 'em that way, and there are some studies that say the fiber is good for you. Dunno about that, but I like the crunch!

(Lobster shells are much too thick. My teeth aren't strong enough! But crayfish/crawfish shells: jes' fine!)

MacLir 01-17-2017 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by foolsguinea (Post 19919507)
Green or black?

Going slightly off-topic on a tangent, one of the major olive suppliers recently put out what they call "Natural" olives.

They are kind of between the different varieties: not as salty as regular green olives, without the weird metallic taste of black, and not as strong as Kalamata. They are pretty good. :)

MacLir 01-17-2017 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trinopus (Post 19928135)
Shrimp shells: yum! Crunchy chitiny goodness. Seriously, I like 'em that way, and there are some studies that say the fiber is good for you. Dunno about that, but I like the crunch!

(Lobster shells are much too thick. My teeth aren't strong enough! But crayfish/crawfish shells: jes' fine!)

I have doubts that the shell would break down enough to act as fiber rather than an indigestible lump (a question of scale, I grant), but there is a weight-loss fiber derived from shrimp shells. Chitosan is chitin processed with acid to remove the carbonate component and then neutralized. On the other hand, maybe your stomach acid will do that …

There is research going on aimed at using it to make biodegradable "plastic" bags also. Apparently the remaining components will polymerize if correctly treated.


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