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-   -   What 'laws' have you come up with? (https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=824766)

XT 04-25-2017 02:18 PM

What 'laws' have you come up with?
 
Sort of like Godwin's law or along those lines. Doesn't have to be anything others acknowledge or follow, but any 'dopers have any thing like that that they secretly believe or follow?

Here's mine:

XT's law of pizza in the work place-ask any group of cow-orkers what sorts of pizza they will want and they will desire all sorts of strange pizzas with all sorts of (mainly vegetable based) gloop. However, when the pizzas are actually set out and devoured, inevitably they will eat the one pizza that I want (and the corollary...they only order ONE of these because 'no one likes that') to eat, while at the end the several pizzas ordered with the gloop will still mainly be there at the end (there is another corollary about how at least half of the gloop pizzas will be left for every non-XT standard/XT edible pizza ordered). :p

Shodan 04-25-2017 02:22 PM

Shodan's Law: If they didn't read it the first time, they won't read it the second time either.

Regards,
Shodan

Velocity 04-25-2017 02:27 PM

99% of the time, when people are confronted about something, their response will either be denial ("No, I don't support X") or defense ("Yes, I support X, but it's a good thing.")

Darren Garrison 04-25-2017 02:34 PM

Chekhov's Lesbian. (Scroll down to "Word of the Week.")

Ludovic 04-25-2017 02:35 PM

The more artists, specifically in their works, insist that they are genuine, the more likely they are profit-driven pop machines.

manson1972 04-25-2017 02:37 PM

There will always be someone or something blocking the exact place in a store where the item you need is located.

RealityChuck 04-25-2017 02:40 PM

The quality of a pizza place is inversely proportional to the number of restaurants in the chain.

If there's any possible way to misinterpret instructions, someone will find it.

cochrane 04-25-2017 02:40 PM

The harder you try to prevent something bad from happening, the faster and more likely that it will happen, anyway.

panache45 04-25-2017 02:41 PM

Shredded cabbage tastes better than unshredded cabbage (Cole's Law)

Amateur Barbarian 04-25-2017 02:41 PM

Barbarian's Law: You are not writing effectively unless you piss off as many people as you please.

Riemann 04-25-2017 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by panache45 (Post 20162196)
Shredded cabbage tastes better than unshredded cabbage (Cole's Law)

That deserves Up Laws.

Gatopescado 04-25-2017 02:50 PM

Never trust adult men that don't drink beer.

snowthx 04-25-2017 02:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by manson1972 (Post 20162185)
There will always be someone or something blocking the exact place in a store where the item you need is located.

Likewise, when you pull over to the side of an aisle at the store to check your list or answer your phone, someone will want something right where you are stopped.

Also, there will always be an oncoming vehicle as you approach a narrow spot in the road. This also works on bicycle trails.

XT 04-25-2017 02:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gatopescado (Post 20162227)
Never trust adult men that don't drink beer.

Along that line, XT's 4th law of IT....never trust a skinny IT tech (this is similar to the law to never trust a skinny chef). There are several collieries concerning fitness and IT techs or IT techs who only eat healthy food as well. :p

Manda JO 04-25-2017 03:05 PM

If you try to use a simple solution to "level the playing field", the people who already have advantages will be able to more successfully make use of whatever you make available, increasing the gap.

There are ways around this, but you have to be really, really careful when you put programs in place.

Knowed Out 04-25-2017 03:08 PM

The other lane always moves faster. Unless you enter it.

Colibri 04-25-2017 03:19 PM

Colibri's First Law of Travel:
Never pass up a chance to piss. If you do, you will regret it.

BwanaBob 04-25-2017 03:27 PM

Gym Buddy Law: the guy who has the locker next to you will show up as you try to get dressed for exercise, crowding the immediate area.

The Loneliness Corollary: If you go into an empty locker room and pick a locker, when you return to that empty locker room, the locker next to you will have been taken, and will most likely lead to the Gym Buddy law.

The Parking Lot Corollary: If you park in an empty lot, and make a quick stop in a store, when you leave you will find some moron has parked right next to you even though the lot is empty.

Daylate 04-25-2017 03:31 PM

My Father invented one:

The Law of Malevolence of the Inanimate --- Things are out to get you.

elbows 04-25-2017 03:33 PM

Anything you've not used in ages, then packed into a trunk or attic will be required for use within a week!

kanicbird 04-25-2017 03:35 PM

When passing someone on the road (crossing the 'yellow line'), that person after being passed will be seen as turning onto a side road or parking lot, making the pass seem unneeded.


Also pickup truck drivers are slower than Prius drivers.

jtur88 04-25-2017 03:42 PM

Jtur88's law of work planning

1. Determine if the work really needs to be done.
2. See if there a workaholic around willing to do it.
3. Carefully plan the most efficient path to good enough.
4. Don't let anybody else hinder.
5. Get it over with.
6. Resume rest

Charlie Tan 04-25-2017 03:42 PM

Charlie's cynicisms.
  • There are no good people. Everyone is evil, but some are on my side.
  • We're always alone. Sometimes, though, there are other people around.
  • After you're dead, everyone will eventually move on and your life signified nothing.
  • You are not the main character in the story of your life. Someone you know made a larger impact.

cher3 04-25-2017 03:44 PM

You will generally be required to stop at most traffic lights on your route. The exception is if you need time to open a water bottle or take a quick peek at a text. Then all lights will be green.

Maggie the Ocelot 04-25-2017 03:51 PM

Maggie's law: Never trust a guy who says he loves you before he's slept with you. He's either lying to you, or to himself.

Czarcasm 04-25-2017 03:55 PM

There is no "Can't Know"-There are only "Don't Know...Yet".

Shoeless 04-25-2017 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cher3 (Post 20162388)
You will generally be required to stop at most traffic lights on your route. The exception is if you need time to open a water bottle or take a quick peek at a text. Then all lights will be green.

I have a similar one: the number of red lights you hit is inversely proportional to how much of a hurry you are in.

(If I'm running late, it seems I hit every red light. When I give myself plenty of time, then all the lights are green and I get there 15 minutes early.)

Dung Beetle 04-25-2017 04:05 PM

If you rip a nasty fart when you're alone, someone will appear within moments and get right next to you.

August West 04-25-2017 04:12 PM

I have developed two laws in my lifetime.

The August West Law of Consistent Mediocrity: If you want to make a billion dollars, make a product that is consistently mediocre. I developed this law when I was eating dinner at a Pizza Hut, but it also applies to Bud Light and many other products.

The August West Law of Nocturnal Immensity: When camping in a tent, any animal heard near the tent will sound at least 2x larger than it actually is.

Pantastic 04-25-2017 04:13 PM

While it's not coming up with a new law, Murphy's Law is one of the best ways for a layman to handle legal questions - just assume that every loophole and and interpretation will go the opposite of the way you want, and you'll be OK. So the practical answer to a question like "are oral contracts binding in court?" is "Yes if it's bad for you, no if it helps you."

Canadjun 04-25-2017 04:18 PM

The harder you try to idiot-proof something, the faster some idiot will screw it up.

BobLibDem 04-25-2017 04:23 PM

Bob's Laws Of Working Within a Bureaucracy
  • Just because you see a problem doesn't mean that you'll be able to come up with a solution
  • Just because you can come up with a solution doesn't mean that you can write a program to solve it.
  • Just because you can write a program doesn't mean it will run.
  • Just because your program will run doesn't mean the underlying data is good.
  • Just because the data is good doesn't mean the results are valid.
  • Just because the results are valid doesn't mean you can make management understand them.
  • Just because management understands your report doesn't mean they will implement your solution.
  • Just because management implements your solution doesn't mean it will work.
  • Just because your solution worked doesn't mean you'll get any recognition for it.
  • Just because you get recognized for your work doesn't mean you'll ever get promoted.

Czarcasm 04-25-2017 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Canadjun (Post 20162474)
The harder you try to idiot-proof something, the faster some idiot will screw it up.

Corollary: If you perfect your "idiot-proofing", the perfect idiot will arrive to bypass it.

Left Hand of Dorkness 04-25-2017 04:26 PM

More of a rule than a law, it's the Core Competency Rule. I developed this obvious-as-shit rule after going to my favorite pizzeria and thinking, "hmm, I'm more in the mood for fish and chips tonight," and ordering fish and chips, and they sucked.

The rule is this: when a restaurant has a core competency, order that. Don't go to a Chinese buffet and get their mac and cheese. Don't go to a seafood restaurant and order the steak. And ferchrissake, when you go to a pizzeria, get a fuckin pizza.

mikecurtis 04-25-2017 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gatopescado (Post 20162227)
Never trust adult men that don't drink beer.

hey! i can be trusted. . . mostly. . .

mc

mikecurtis 04-25-2017 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BwanaBob (Post 20162343)

The Parking Lot Corollary: If you park in an empty lot, and make a quick stop in a store, when you leave you will find some moron has parked right next to you even though the lot is empty.

yea! what the hell is that all about?

mc

AHunter3 04-25-2017 04:34 PM

Worrying about things rarely prevents them from happening.

Left Hand of Dorkness 04-25-2017 04:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AHunter3 (Post 20162519)
Worrying about things rarely prevents them from happening.

The exception to your law, which I'm all too familiar with: will I get a good night's sleep?

wonky 04-25-2017 04:58 PM

If there's one person who shouldn't hear what you are saying, that person is standing right behind you.

If you ask for book recommendations, no matter how specific you are that you are interested only in non-fiction dealing with Mayan funerary customs, someone will recommend Terry Pratchett.

Tranquilis 04-25-2017 05:03 PM

The Law of Relatives: They come on the weekend, and eat you out of house and home.
The Unspeakable Rule: If it's good, and you mention it, it goes away. If it's bad, and you mention it, it happens.
50/50/90 Rule: If you have a 50-50 chance of being right, 90% of the time you will be wrong.

Ethilrist 04-25-2017 05:04 PM

If you know what you're doing, it's not an adventure.

Spend as much time as you can with the nice people because it barely begins to make up for all the time you have to spend with the jerks.

Tim R. Mortiss 04-25-2017 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Colibri (Post 20162322)
Colibri's First Law of Travel:
Never pass up a chance to piss. If you do, you will regret it.

I like to phrase that as "never pass up a golden opportunity."

Tranquilis 04-25-2017 05:20 PM

Confidence Corollary: The more confident you are, the more likely you have no idea what's going on.

xizor 04-25-2017 05:33 PM

Any "temporary" solution you come up with at your workplace will always become the "permanent" solution.

Tranquilis 04-25-2017 05:34 PM

Simulations don't. Patches won't. Shortcuts aren't.

Gatopescado 04-25-2017 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maggie the Ocelot (Post 20162405)
Maggie's law: Never trust a guy who says he loves you before he's slept with you. He's either lying to you, or to himself.

I wanna tell you I love you tomorrow. ;)

DCnDC 04-25-2017 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Colibri (Post 20162322)
Colibri's First Law of Travel:
Never pass up a chance to piss. If you do, you will regret it.

My father's rule about using the toilet before going anywhere:

"Don't leave the house until something comes out."

Canadjun 04-25-2017 06:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jsgoddess (Post 20162581)

If you ask for book recommendations, no matter how specific you are that you are interested only in non-fiction dealing with Mayan funerary customs, someone will recommend Terry Pratchett.

But you'll love Terry Pratchett! :D

Robot Arm 04-25-2017 06:28 PM

Robot Arm's First Law of Comic Book Movies: When casting the lead role in a movie based on a comic book, get an actor who can be convincing as the alter ego. Christoper Reeve was good as Clark Kent. Tobey Maguire was good as Peter Parker. Robert Downey Jr. was good as Tony Stark. Anybody can put on a superhero suit.

Robot Arm's Law of the Emasculated Sci-Fi Badass: The more menacing and memorable the villain in a science-fiction movie, the greater the chance that he will become a good guy in the sequel(s).

TimeWinder 04-25-2017 06:31 PM

If you put multiple questions in an e-mail or other communication, all but one will be ignored and not answered.


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