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#1
12-17-2002, 10:47 PM
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A cure for flatulence...
Fire.
No, seriously. Friend of mine -- call him Bob -- guy with no shame at all, got a bunch of flak once because of his stinkies. In the process of ranking him out about it, someone -- it might have been me -- said, "Light a match, man! (waves hand to disperse odor) Jeez!" He looked at me quizzically. Someone else explained to him the flammable nature of flatulence. His face showed shock ... and glee. "No way!" he exclaimed. Feeling another one coming on, he rolled backwards, flung his ankles about his ears, pointed his ass skyward, snatched out a Bic lighter, lit it, and held it ready. It cost him the hair on his knuckles, but he was... ENLIGHTENED. So to speak. For months after that, you never knew when he'd suddenly fling himself on his back and let loose the torch of liberty... It cost him a bit with the chicks, but he was the life of any party. Anyone can throw up or take their top off, but Bob was the only one anyone ever heard of who brought his own light show. With a little experimentation, he even found that he could vary the flames' colors, depending on what he'd eaten that day. The most common colors were blue and yellow, but he found that various foods, in addition to increasing his flatulence, produced blue and green, blue and orange, pure blue, orange and yellow, and there was one thing that even produced sparks. I don't know what it was. I frankly didn't wanna know, mad science notwithstanding.... It all came to an end one September day, at my place. I don't remember what we were all doing there. Bob was on the couch, Bobo and Troll were sitting next to him, and I was sitting on the floor on the other side of the coffee table. We were talking or something, and suddenly, Bob's eyes lit with an inner ...fire... we'd all come to recognize. "Fire alarm!" said, Troll, realizing what was about to happen. Troll and Bobo immediately scooched away to give him room to work. I obligingly grabbed the coffee table and pulled it back. Bob flung his ankles about his ears, rolled onto his back, and lit up. Something went terribly, terribly wrong. We're still not sure what. Bobo thinks that the gas coming out the leg of his shorts ignited, and traveled inwards, causing an explosion in the seat of his pants. Troll thought it was Bob's new synthetic-fiber parachute-material shorts -- they must've been flammable or something. I don't agree with Bobo -- I saw the initial fire blossom right over the middle of his butt, right before the nine-foot tongue of pink fire shot out of his ass, right at my face. I threw myself backwards, flat on the floor, just in time to save my eyebrows. For days afterwards, my mustache smelled like burnt hair. All I could see was blazing pink armaggeddon. It took a minute for my eyes to focus. For one horrible moment, I thought the curtains were on fire. I heard screams. I sat up, figuring no fart ever blown could last more than a few seconds. Fortunately, I was right. My eyes focused. The screams continued. Bob was face down, bent over the couch. His ass was on fire. Troll had a deathgrip around his waist, and he and Bobo were beating the shit out of him, trying to put the fire out. I leaped up and began beating the shit out of him, too. The fire went out quickly enough, but the material continued to smolder, and we wound up tearing his shorts off of him and running them into the kitchen, into the sink. Bob rolled on the floor, moaning. His poor ass was bald as an egg, and red as a lobster. He wasn't badly hurt -- not even any blisters -- and he later told us that it wasn't the fire that hurt him, it was Troll's huge hands whacking him on the ass -- Troll was a pretty big guy, and Bob was … well… small for his age… and several blows had fallen a bit further south than they'd been intended, and Troll had in fact fetched him several nasty blows to the 'nads. There was a burnt, fused hole in Bob's shorts big enough to put a man's fist through without touching the edges. We posted the shorts on the wall of the stairwell as a trophy to our cleverness ... and as a warning, for generations to come... 
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#2
12-17-2002, 10:56 PM
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That's gotta be one of the funniest things I've heard for a while!
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#4
12-17-2002, 11:07 PM
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Well, yeah, but HE didn't know that. I learned it at summer camp, myself...
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#5
12-17-2002, 11:08 PM
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...and now that I think about it, I'm not sure I'd agree that it's an "American Cultural Icon", in the same sense as apple pie, baseball, hot dogs, and I Love Lucy...
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#6
12-17-2002, 11:21 PM
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#8
12-17-2002, 11:27 PM
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I think the word is "tradition".
Although "rite of passage" may also be applicable. Although I don't really think that hosting an explosion in one's trousers is really applicable for any of THOSE terms, either... I mean, lighting your stinkies is ONE thing, but poor Bob didn't deserve what he got... and if I'd even known such a thing was POSSIBLE, I would certainly have warned him. There's a lesson for us all, here...
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#9
12-17-2002, 11:51 PM
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Definitely not an American thing.
I'm pretty sure the first flaming fart was ignited with a flint chip.
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#10
12-18-2002, 12:01 AM
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Let us rejoice. It seems farts are ignited all over the world. My brother thinks he is soooooo clever with the "hey watch this bit" (and he's 34 for fucks sake!) I'm just hoping that Bob's unfortunate accident will happen to him!
oh thats's so mean .......it Christmas almost........but I don't care I hope he is enveloped by a flaming ball of fart gas.
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#12
12-18-2002, 08:44 AM
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OK, so this is the second thread in which 'fart lighting' has been mentioned. Never having tried (or seen) this myself, I have to ask about the logistics involved:
Do you have to drop 'trou to accomplish this feat? If not, does the fart have enough force to get through your pants and actually create a "jet" of flame? Are there preferred pants for fart lighting? I would imagine it would be harder for a fart to escape from a thick par of jeans rather than a thinner fabric? Thank you in advance for the enlightenment...
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#13
12-18-2002, 08:56 AM
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A relevant question.
For best effects, of course, bareassed is best. Nor is the trick limited to the male of the species; methane is native to all of us, thank you. And I should point out that the whole point of doing this, originally, in Bob's case was NOT to get a free light show, but to eliminate the stench. It works. Bob seldom HAD to drop his drawers, though, as he was fond of wearing loose shorts with no underwear. As a rule, he simply flopped on his back, rolled his ankles up around his ears, and brought his Bic around to Ground Zero and let fly. The porous materials in which Bob liked to dress seldom interfered much with the flow of gases. Jeans, on the other hand, might well do just that; I never had much luck with ignition through my 501s...
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#15
12-18-2002, 10:19 AM
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#16
12-18-2002, 10:31 AM
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#17
07-24-2003, 08:49 PM
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Y'know, after rereading this thread for the first time in a while, and examining some of the responses... I find myself with two very similar images in my head.
One is that of a hi-tech 21st century surgeon accidentally exploding a patient due to his high-tech surgical tools detonating intestinal gas. The other is of a naked, hairy caveman, hunched over in a weird position, striking flints together next to his butt. The two images together provide me with a more ludicrous picture of the human species than I can stand right now. I hope you'll all pardon me if I go crawl into bed and stick my head under the pillow and suck my thumb for awhile...
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#19
07-25-2003, 12:55 AM
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Odd - I read the same exact story on alt.tasteless several years ago authored by someone else... Unless you've been hanging out there as well Wang Ka, I'd be so bold as to call you a plagiarizer...
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#21
07-25-2003, 12:58 AM
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Geez. Talk about picky. 
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#22
07-25-2003, 01:09 AM
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No fooling. An electric spark caused the hydrogen in the patient's bowels to detonate, blasting the surgeon backwards against the wall and slamming the patient's head into the table. The explosion also ripped a six-inch hole in the patient's large intestine. Luckily, they were able to sew him up OK and the poor guy recovered.[/url]Ain't learning fun?
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#23
07-25-2003, 01:10 AM
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#24
07-25-2003, 01:12 AM
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Aw hell
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#25
07-25-2003, 01:26 AM
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#26
07-25-2003, 01:38 AM
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And you want to get all prissy and pedantic about the actual source of that adventure? OMFG.
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#27
07-25-2003, 02:33 AM
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I'm not trying to get prissy about anything. It seems to me that you're the one getting all worked up over it. I am merely asking that he give proper credit where it's due.
A story about farting is almost always entertaining, particularly if it comes from lieu, but at least he comes up with his own material. No problem with the fart story here, just a problem with Wang Ka posting it as his own material when it's not. Get your panties untwisted long enough to get your head out of your ass kambuckta.
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#28
07-25-2003, 02:43 AM
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Moderator Notes
I know this is the Pit and all, but knock it off, will yas?
CherryBomb, any evidence to back up your claim of plagiarism? Wang-Ka, I seem to recall reading somewhere that you wrote a book, and that some of the posts here are excerpts from said book. Could that be the cause of the misunderstanding here? If so, you did nothing wrong, of course, since the copyright is yours.
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#30
07-25-2003, 03:04 AM
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I've searched for it as well and am coming up with nothing. Of course, you wouldn't find it with Wang-Ka associated with it as I don't believe he is the original author of this piece. Unfortunately I originally read this serveral years ago on a.t, which I've been reading for close to 7 years now. I do recognize the story though. If it's his or has been reprinted with permission I'll humbly apologize.
Otherwise I'm standing my ground on the basis that (especially if he is an author) he should know better than to post someone else's work without even the slightest acknowledgement. As I can find no proof of my claim I'll gracefully back out of my argument with kambuckta (even though he's acting like a putz), but it would be nice for Wang-Ka to come in with some clarification on this.
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#31
07-25-2003, 03:12 AM
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Heh. 
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#33
07-25-2003, 07:28 AM
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...could this be the origin of the phrase, "Pain in the Ass"?
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#34
07-25-2003, 08:48 AM
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I am the original author of this piece.
I originally posted it several years ago on a friend's board, Message Board Addicts, at MSN Communities, and I have posted it several other places since then, including here... last year, I might add, if you'll check the date on the post. If someone has posted it on a newsgroup, they have done so without my knowledge or permission. If anyone managed to read it seven years ago, I will be awfully surprised, since I didn't write it until 2000 or so. And yes, I do know better than to claim someone else's work as my own. Particularly in this case, since the work in question is copyrighted; I did so when I assembled some of my essays into book form for publication. ...and yes, it's the same Bob. He liked to live dangerously.
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#35
07-25-2003, 09:02 AM
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That'll take the wind out of his tail.
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#36
07-25-2003, 09:09 AM
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I might also point out that I do not use the name "Wang-Ka" anywhere else except here.
When I signed up here, the board wouldn't let me use the name I use on most other boards: Doctor Bedlam. The story's original title was "Sins Of The Farter."
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#37
07-25-2003, 10:31 AM
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Well then, my most humble of apologies as it appears then that your work had been plagiarized. I was also just clarifying that I'd been reading a.t for a while, it was shortly before I left my last place of employment that I read it there. I left that place in Sept of 2000. I have now learned my one thing for the day...
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#38
07-25-2003, 10:47 AM
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Good OP
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#39
07-25-2003, 05:21 PM
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Um... Cherrybomb, while I think you may have spoken a little hastily, I hold no grudge against you.
The "fart story" is perhaps the oldest thing I have floating around on the net. The original response to that story is what encouraged me to write more, and I know it's been spread around quite a bit. It irritates me more that someone posted it somewhere without my permission ... ...than it irritates me that you think I didn't write it. I WAS kind of irritated this morning... until my kid pointed out to me that you might well have seen it somewhere with the author credit given to "Doctor Bedlam"... which turned an irritant into a chuckle. If you can find it again, though, I sure would appreciate a link to it. I'd kind of like to know who's borrowing my stuff. No hard feelin's?
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#40
07-25-2003, 05:40 PM
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I was listening to my Best of Bond CD while reading the OP.
Just as I read the part about the tongue of pink flame, Tom Jones sang "He strikes like Thun-der-baaalllllllll!" Divinely inspired timing.
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#41
07-25-2003, 08:09 PM
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No hard feelings at all, I never had any to begin with. Sorry if I kind of shot from the hip and asked questions later. I just don't like seeing stuff like that happen. I'd be thoroughly pissed if I found any of my own published work floating around in the mists of the internet.
I don't remember the original author name, and I've searched again to find it but have turned up nothing. If I come across it again I'll definitely pop you an email with the link.
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#42
07-25-2003, 08:43 PM
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Please do.
The story's TRUE, you see, and I'm still in touch with some of the people IN it. Troll's running a hospital now. Bobo works for the State of Texas. ...and I'm not sure, but I think Bob may well be in Iraq...
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#47
07-26-2003, 05:31 AM
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You know, nowhere in the copyright argument has anyone seemed to acknowledge the fact that Bob is not the only person in America capable of lighting farts. And he is neither the first nor last person to injure themselves doing so. So unless there are specific details of this story, or exact copies of sentence structure (or obvious things like "Fire Alarm!" copied), it may not be plagiarized.
I'm not saying it definitely isn't, just that it probably isn't. After all, I've heard dozens of fart fire stories before - each one with slightly different details, but all ending up in a reddened ass, singed hair, and most of them with holes in clothing. BTW: great story, very well written!
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#48
07-26-2003, 08:56 AM
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Hm. Yeah, good point.
There are other stories floating around of persons who have set their butts on fire doing this? Can you link me to them? I'm sure Bob would feel better, knowing that he isn't the only one to do this. Maybe we can get a support group going, here...
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#49
07-26-2003, 09:22 AM
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My fart lighting and cultural insult story
I was in Nepal once, rafting down the Trisuli river with a group of friends. At night we would set up camp on the beaches alongside the river. One evening our guide and sherpas were chilling out by the campfire, and though we didn't speak a common language, the we were entertaining each other by doing dumb tricks. After a bit of singing and juggling and jumping about and general hilarity, I decided to really steal the show by lighting a fart - through my shorts, I hasten to add. I was betting the Nepalese probably had never seen this before, and I reckoned they'd practically die laughing.
So I got a cigarette lighter, put my legs up in the air, raised my butt and lit the lighter. But, despite all the dal bhat we'd been eating for days, I couldn't pop one out (this, at the time, was very unusual). So I lay there in this undignified position for two or three minutes. I strained and grunted, but nothing came out. My western friends were falling about laughing at me, but the Nepalese guys had gone very quiet. Gradually my friends' chuckles died down, and I gave up my attempt, lest I soil myself. The atmosphere had become a little chilly. Then my friend Big Steve slaps himself on the forehead and says "Oh man, I just realised what happened. In Nepalese culture, it's incredibly rude to point your feet at people. Not only that, but putting a flame in front of something is what they do to venerate it - that's why there are candles burning in front of the Buddha images in the temples. "Dude! You pointed your feet and your butt at them, and then... then you invited them to worship your ass!" I still cringe when I think about it. And giggle a bit.
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#50
07-26-2003, 04:43 PM
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.......................
.............................................. ......................................................  ............................ ....................................... .......................................................................oopsie....
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