Should I have gone to the wedding? - A poll.

[Debaser]

My step-sister got married.

Lets call her Jill. She is nice and so was her husband, Jack. I only really see them on Christmas or other family events throughout the year. Jill's mother married my father so she has only been family for the past 5 years or so. We didn't grow up together or anything.

The marraige lasted less than 6 months. The reason: Jill left hubbie for the best man. I know it's a cliche but it really did happen.

She decided that she wasn't in love with her husband and was in love with the best man from the wedding. Worst thing about this is that hubbie - Jack was a nice guy and the best man is a jerk. Lets call him Dick.

So, the marriage is over. Many friends are lost to the new couple, as it should be. Dick and Jack's friendship is obviously over. Jack is gone, haven't seen him since, don't really know what happened to him.

After a couple years go by, this new couple decide to get married. It aleady happened. I went. I didn't want to.

My question: Would you have gone to the wedding?

It is the position of my SO that going to the wedding was the right thing to do to show support to my family, especially my father and step-mom (Jill's mother).

I am willing to play nice when I see the new couple at family events. It's not my place to say anything to them about it.

However, IMHO, going to the new wedding is in a way validating, or endorsing the actions of them. What they did was wrong. In a perfect world, no one would even go the the wedding at all. Am I a big meanie?

[Ethilrist]

I would have gone to the wedding (because I agree with your SO), but I would have been strongly tempted to buy them something plastic, cheap and/or disposable for a wedding present.

[Mith]

Originally posted by Debaser
What they did was wrong. In a perfect world, no one would even go the the wedding at all. Am I a big meanie?

What they did was wrong?

Damn.

I take it you haven't made a mistake?

Besides, you don't KNOW all the details. Doesn't sound like you are close to her. You don't know the details... you don't know about intimate moments... you don't know enough to judge so harshly IMHO.

You went. It's over. fuggetabootit

[Scarlett67]

I once attended a family wedding that I strongly opposed. I REALLY didn't want to be there. The bride had told me all sorts of things that SHE didn't like about the groom (most of them, taken alone, would have been good reason to dump him), but she married him to prove she was a grown-up and "because otherwise I'll have wasted the three years I've been with him." Yeah, better to waste the rest of your life with him.

Anyway, I managed to weasel out of attending the bridal shower (ugh), dodge the receiving line, and duck out of being in any wedding photos (I am a terrible actress and my fake smiles are pretty transparent). Mr. S hustled me out of the reception as soon as it was reasonable to leave without being obvious. Then we went for a stiff drink.

I managed to convince myself that going did not mean "endorsing" the marriage. At least I managed to stay out of the wedding party.

[Brynda]

Gotta go with Mith here. If Hubby #1 wasn't the one for her and Best Man is, she should be with him. Everyone makes mistakes, and staying with Hubby #1 just because she "should" would be a bigger mistake. Now if she leaves him for the second best man, then you can be a big meanie.

I *had* to participate in a marriage ceremony where I thought a mistake was being made. My best friend married someone I didn't like at all. He was drinking quite a bit at the time and he was very controlling--the type where everything had to be his idea. Other people (including her parents) expressed their doubts to me, but not to her. I did say something to her, and I am still not sure if that was the right thing to do or not. At the time, it felt like everyone was watching her walk off a cliff and not saying anything to warn her. They have now been married 15 years, and while I would not be happy with her husband (he is still selfish and controlling), she seems to be happy enough.

[hajario]

Attending the wedding doesn't imply that you are "endorsing" the union. That's a silly notion. There are a lot of good reasons to go to a wedding like that but mostly you should have attended for the sake of peace in the family. If the new hubby was physically abusive or something you I guess I could understand it but just because you don't like the guy or didn't approve of how they began their relationship is not reason enough to skip the event.

You did the correct thing.

Haj

[Thinks2Much]

I have to agree with Mith. Everyone makes mistakes. Who are you to judge hers against your own? So you don't like Dick, so what? She does. Now, if she was nasty in the divorce and tried to soak Jack, or if she didn't return gifts from the first wedding, then fine, be upset. Don't judge her for her divorce and remarriage at just that.

Young people have a very hard time knowing real love from all the other things that can be mistaken as love, as well as the fact that social pressures make people do things they shouldn't. Backing out of a wedding is very hard, and asking for a divorce after 6 months is even harder. She must really love Dick to go against social norms for him, which is not easy.

Never judge others until you walk a mile in their shoes. Lots of people marry for the wrong reasons and figure it out later. If she realized Jack wasn't the one for her, what other difference does it make? Would you feel this way about every second wedding you are asked to attend for a divorced person? Because it is basically the same. So she collapsed the time frame a little and possibly overlapped... not respectable, but understandable, if you have ever met your soul mate. Would you not do anything to be with that person? You can't go through life living it for others. She chose to do what she needed to do to be happy.

I am not saying everyone should go out and do this, just that it is no reason to pass judgment on someone, to feel the need to "condone" her actions. I am not asking you to be happy for her, just to be forgiving of her mistakes. Give her the benefit of the doubt and if you still can't see how difficult this process has been for her, at least be happy you went to the wedding to keep the peace in the family.

[Shodan]

I would have gone, if for no other reason than to remark to the bride as I was going thru the receiving line, "So, that best man is pretty hot, isn't he?"

Always take the high road - that's my motto.

Regards,
Shodan

[Big Perm]

She's only a step-sister for 5 years? Sorry, no chance of me attending it. If it's my sister, yes.. step-sister? No.

At the most send them a card and a cheap gift. Supporting your father and his new wife is fine... but supporting her family is superfluous. Furthermore, supporting a family as dysfunctional as her's (your father's new wife) appears to be... is simply something I wouldn't do.

*shrug*

[Skammer]

First, I disagree with those who are defending your step-sister by saying she "made a mistake." Mistakes are something you do by accident. She made a willful decision to dump her husband and run off with his friend. That's a choice.

That said, I think you did the correct thing. As a member of the family, you should be there for her and the rest of the family, and keep your opinions about her decisions to yourself.

And skip out as early as you can without being rude.

[Debaser]

Skammer, that's pretty much exactly what I did. I agree, she made a choice that shouldn't be celebrated.

Couple more FYI's:

The second wedding was very informal and casual. More like a summer cookout than a wedding. There were no gifts. This was definately more appropriate than a large church, white dress affair. Now, that would have been rediculous.

I never thought of gifts. AFAIK, they didn't return gifts from the first wedding.

BTW, the first wedding was a large and expensive one. *shrug*