Care to join me in bemoaning an unrequited crush?

[saramamalana]

I would post this in my livejournal but the boy in question is on my friends list and I don't know how often he actually reads there, and I need to vent, so here I am.

I have this friend M who I met back in October. When we met we hit if off and I liked him a lot, but I learned very soon after that he had a long distance girlfriend. Oh well, I said. I still talked to him online and saw him around here and there when I could come to hang out with the gang. I told him not too long ago, because I'm so comfortable with him, that I liked him as soon as I met him, and occasionally joked that I'd gladly be his back-up plan should they break up.

Then around the end of May, he broke up with her. And I thought "now's my chance!" So since then I kept hoping he'd get around to me and maybe we could go out and see if there's something more to be made of our friendship.

The last two Saturdays I asked him to hang out and both times he had other plans, but I felt like I was being blown off (longer story). After the first Saturday I decided I was done, this was too much emotional wear and tear. Then Thursday night I had a dream that we kissed and I was all goofy about him again. And now after this past weekend I'm feeling fed up again.

Then on Sunday night I had a revelation. I realized that I had been assuming all this time that M had feelings for me in return, when I never actually knew if he did or not. I'd been wondering, but I was acting on the assumption that he liked me, too, and so here I was waiting around for my turn, so to speak. I also realized that if he wanted to hang out with me, he could have asked me any old time. I know he doesn't really go out during the week, but on the weekends he could have asked me. I'm so frustrated because I feel sort of stupid about the whole thing, but I'm annoyed with myself because I know that the next time I see him I'll probably go all mushy on the inside and want him again.

I suppose this answers the question I'd had for a while, which was "do I really like him, or do I like him because of the flirting?" It's a little of both, because we are good friends either way, but once again I got roped in by flirting.

[self pity]When will I be loved?[/self pity]

Join me in sharing similar tales, if you wish!

[Ephemera]

ALL my crushes save one or two have been unrequited and in those circumstances, the people that returned the feelings were online friends so I can empathize. It's a tough situation to deal with initially but since I crush so easily and often, it doesn't sting for me anymore. I'm generally happy if they're content enough to be my friend. Better something than nothing, right?

I hope you have better luck. If he doesn't come around, someone will.

[Wesley Clark]

Originally Posted by Aesiron

ALL my crushes save one or two have been unrequited and in those circumstances, the people that returned the feelings were online friends so I can empathize.

Same here, All the women i like don't seem to like me back, and the handful of women who are crazy about me i do not like. The only time the liking has been reciprocated i was too scared to approach (long story) or it was online.

We feel your pain.

[jttm80]

Usually I'd just tell you to be honest, and just let him know. After all, he could be as shy about his feelings as you are.

But I'm going to go in the other direction. Don't tell him.

Why?
Because if you do get together, the chase is over. The chase, the longing, the not-knowing is kind of a nice(?) feeling. I miss the chase.

Don't get me wrong. Once you start a relationship, thats great too. But its different, and definitely not as exciting. You don't get the same adrenalin rush, the same fear and the little debates with your friends where you start over-analysing every sign and action that the other person has made.

So enjoy these feelings while you can...

[Sisyphus' Stone]

Ya know, life needn't be a soap opera.

We don't all measure our life's experiences in teaspoonsful of quiet desperation.

Take your tight, restrictive bra off and let them hang loose.

Really.

You'll feel so much better.

[hybrid_dogfish]

Well, you asked for similar tales, so let me tell you a story of unreqited love:

A long time ago in a school not so very far away (from me at any rate), a 10 year old dogfish sat across the table from a young ginger haired girl who we shall call Angelfish (not her real name). Dogfish, being a 10 year old boy [i]knew[i/] girls were icky, and no self respecting boy would have anything to do with them, indeed, even borrowing a pencil entailed the risk of getting girl germs. Angelfish seemed to keep pestering dogfish, trying to sit next to him at lunch, near him in assembly. At the age of 11, dogfish passed his entrance exam for the local grammar school, and left behind the open plan 'corridors' of the middle school to go to a scary place where you had to wear a blazer as part of the uniform.

Time passed, and it came to pass that in order to learn to drive the 17 year old dogfish would have to get a job, dutifully he obtained employment as a data entry clerk for a multinational bank (read 'in a soul destroyingly boring job that fitted in with school'). One evening in the break room a girl walked in. Dogfish's friend (who had worked there for a few years already) pointed out to dogfish, with all the tact of 17 year old testosterone crazed youths "Bloody hell, look at the arse on her". Dogfish looked, and saw from behind a very shapely young flame haired beauty getting a packet of Nik-Naks from the vending machine. She turned from the machine, and dogfish recognised Angelfish. In the 6 years since he had last seen her had, shall we say, grown somewhat . Their eyes met across the room and she smiled and started walking towards dogfish and his friend, she sits down with them and says to dogfish (whose expression looks something like that of a rabbit caught in the headlights) "Dogfish?".

"Erm, yeah. Hi, erm, you're Angelfish, but you know that", stumbles dogfish, with all the suave sophistication of a 17 year old nerdy lad talking to a good looking girl. "I thought it was you, dogfish, how are you?"

As we can see, dogfish had a turn-your-legs-to-jelly-make-your-words-come-out-all-jumbly crush on theis girl who used to annoy him. This continued for the 6 months he worked there (she had a boyfriend, a huge rugby playing 20 year old boyfriend). One day dogfish heard that she had finished with her boyfrien, he almost confessed his feelings, but then overheard her in conversation with her girlfriends "Oh, I would never go out with anyone less that two years older than me" dogfish slunk away into a corner .

Eventually, dogfish gave up and moved onto pastures new. About a month later, while talking to his mate again, dogfish hears that Angelfish has been talking about him. "What did she say, pray tell?" said dogfish.

"Oh, that when you were at scool together she had the biggest crush on you, but you didn't seem to care at the time"

Dogfish:

Just after that I met a girl who I have been with for the last 3 years , as for Angelfish, I really don't know, I hadn't really thought about her till now.

Still, my advice would be to either ask him straight out, and find out once and for all, or failing that, enjoy the happy bits of a crush, don't dwell on the sad bits, and get on with living life, best of luck to you however you handle it .

[js_africanus]

Shoot, boss is lurking near. No time to read in depth, but I can sympathize with the unrequited crush. They suck. Best regards.

[Shade]

Firstly, blowing you off may or may not mean anything. It's almost certain he doesn't yet feel strongly about you; you are probably not as central to his life as he is to yours - not in a bad way, but he won't have an unrequited crush on you. Accept that. Specifically it's really quite likely that he was doing something else, and, while liking you a lot, just didn't think to include you. Of course, anything else - from loving you but being too shy to see you, to hating you and wishing you'd leave him alone - but this is quite possible.

Secondly, yes, it's easy to assume he feels the same way, when there's no evidence for it. I'm impressed you recognised that from the inside of it, as it were. However, you never know - so maybe it's worth making a move. (You need to consider: (1) the longer story - you won't want to admit it, but it may make clear whether he likes you or not (2) whether this will ruin your friendship and if you care.)

Thirdly, livejournals. It's amazing how much more soap-opera-like they make your life...

[Ethilrist]

Throughout high school, I had crushes on several girls in my social group (AV club, Stage Crew, Band). Circumstances conspiring against me (either they had boyfriends, I had no money to pay for dates, and there is also the dim possibility that I was an introverted nerdy geek long before that was cool), the crushes remained unrequited.

After we graduated, we mostly kept in touch for holidays and parties and stuff. Several of these ladies said, just before they moved away or got married, that they had had crushes on me during high school. Yay.

would seem to be the smiley of choice for this thread.

[Pandora]

Oh boy, this is a very timely thread...
I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, so moaning here might actually be helpful...

Flashback to my college days (!GAK! ten years ago)
[I'm female, and straight btw... just to fill out the cast of characters a bit]
In the course of going about my normal life, early in my Jr. year, I meet Mr. Nice Guy (I actually don't remember how, probably through some mutal friend). Mr. Nice Guy lives in my building, we share interests, have similar senses of fun, and both have chronic insomnia. We become buddies, and spend a lot of time together doing things like going to late night movies, taking pointless roadtrips in the middle of the night, playing board games, watching TV etc. Mr. Nice Guy had a very serious girlfriend when we met (and in fact they got engaged a few months later) and I can very honestly say there was nothing romantic, sexual, lustful, or anything else about our friendship, we were totally just buddies (in fact I was generally refered to as his faithful sidekick).
We spent tons of time together, and did many cool things during my Jr and Sr years... he is part of some of my best college memories.

I graduated, and left the town we went to college in... Mr. Nice Guy and his (now) fiancee were still finishing school.
We stay in touch, talk from time to time, and see each other occassionally, till Mr. Nice guy graduates, and moves to a nearby state. We still e-mail from time to time, and try to keep up to date on each other's lives, but no longer see each other. The fiancee (whom I never liked) becomes royal cheating bitch, but Mr. Nice Guy (being who he is) says he loves her anyway, and lives with the problems... for years.

Fast Forward to the Present (or more accurately, the past few months)

Mr. Nice Guy finally grows a spine, and kicks out the bitchy cheating ex-fiancee...
We still talk occassionally. When he starts dating again, he asks me for advice from a female viewpoint, and my career as "dear abby" begins. I'm glad he's getting back into life, and starting to cheer up. Since he he's got some free time, we make plans to get together (it's a couple hours drive) and he comes to visit me for the weekend. Honestly, I'm expecting a weekend of late night movies, popcorn, trivial pursuit, and college memories... But alas that was not to be the whole story. Somewhere in the middle of the weekend, *bang* giagantic mutant crush from hell hits me out of nowhere. About a guy I have known for years, and never had even the slightest interest in! I have no idea what to do about this. So far, I've hidden it from him, currently he has no clue. I was hoping the crush would die a natural death, and things would just go back to normal. Unfortunately, it's been a couple of months, and it does not appear that is going to happen. We've spent a second weekend together (more friend stuff), and the crush is getting worse.
Of course, now that I've decided he's going to have to know at ome point... he starts dating a girl he's really interested in, and he sees potential for something serious there (all of which I know in excruciating detail because I'm still playing "dear abby").
So, now I have a really hard decision to make.
Do I just wait, put my feelings on hold, and try to be a good friend (including trying to help him be successful in the relationship he's going for)? Or do I tell him now (which will likely confuse the heck out of him) and risk ruining our friendship?

UGGGGH! Why did this chrush have to hit me now?

[AngelicGemma]

Originally Posted by jttm80

Don't get me wrong. Once you start a relationship, thats great too. But its different, and definitely not as exciting. You don't get the same adrenalin rush, the same fear and the little debates with your friends where you start over-analysing every sign and action that the other person has made.

So enjoy these feelings while you can...

Oh definatly!

I love my boyfriend, but definatly miss the "he touched my hand! OMG! Does this mean he likes me? Was it just accidental?" type moments.