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Old 12-29-2006, 09:32 PM
Terrifel Terrifel is offline
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Fifty years later, does America need a stupider motto?

1956 was of course the worst year that the United States had ever faced. Wracked by turmoil and social upheaval, beset by enemies within and without, the nation thrashed about like a dying, constipated beast. Whole cities crumbled into ruin amid the chaos as American society teetered on the very brink of collapse. The horror of that time has made the name of Eisenhower synonymous with anarchy even to this day. My father would never talk about how he and his family survived those grim times.

Fortunately, in the very nick of time, legislators realized the true cause of the crisis: America's national motto wasn't stupid enough. Like all of the country's other woes, this disaster could ultimately be traced back to that most sinister of Americans, Thomas Jefferson. The same treacherous impulses that led him to betray his rightful King also inevitably prompted him to sabotage the fledgling nation by giving it the worst possible state motto: E pluribus unum. Not only was this an unforgivably pompous classical reference, its subversive message-- "out of many, one--" would result in a catastrophic tradition of escalating tolerance and unity that was doomed to tear the country apart in less than two hundred years.

With Jefferson's nefarious plan finally revealed, the government was faced with the challenge of selecting a stupider, less tolerant motto to more accurately embody the national character. A list was compiled of various candidates such as "no loitering," "if you're so smart why ain't you rich?" and "whites only." However, at last "In God we trust," a judiciously recycled version of the Confederate States of America's motto "God will vindicate," was chosen for its historical resonance, potential for divisiveness, and general inappropriateness. Legislators also remarked favorably on its weirdly bass-ackwards phrasing, "which calls to mind the speech of a comical Chinaman, or of some type of puppet from a science fiction serial of some kind." The motto proved its worth immediately, as its blandly pious presence on American currency spurred an unparalleled economic boom, resulting in an age of renewed prosperity that lasted until the Carter years.

Yet now, five decades later, threats to America are on the rise once more. There's the war on Christmas, of course; and also Iraq's unprovoked invasion of the United States, which continues to cost the lives of American soldiers. Iran and North Korea could launch a nuclear attack on American cities at any time, if indeed they haven't already, and Mexicans continue to occur. Is it once again time to safeguard ourselves with a new, even stupider motto? Perhaps "In God and Jesus we trust really; in fact their voices inside our heads we often hear," or "are you ready for some football?!"
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Old 12-29-2006, 09:44 PM
Sevastopol Sevastopol is offline
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We just do.
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Old 12-29-2006, 09:49 PM
Ice Wolf Ice Wolf is offline
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I'm sorry -- foreigner here. Is this meant to be a spoof, and if so, what of?
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Old 12-29-2006, 09:53 PM
Starving Artist Starving Artist is offline
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America...of course.
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Old 12-29-2006, 09:55 PM
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What's wrong with "USA! USA! USA!"

In the same spirit, I am petitioning my government to have the national anthem changed from "O Canada" to the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."
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Old 12-29-2006, 09:59 PM
Biggirl Biggirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starving Artist
America...of course.
The United States new stupid motto should be "America" or "America. . . of course"? I'd vote for ""America. . . Of Course! but it's gotta have the capitalization and exclamation point or it's no go.
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Old 12-29-2006, 10:00 PM
Revenant Threshold Revenant Threshold is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starving Artist
America...of course.
Strikes me as a spoof of Americans, myself.
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Old 12-29-2006, 10:01 PM
Frank Frank is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starving Artist
America...of course.
Not at all, just a very nicely tuned attack on our motto.

Of course, we had to do all we could to defend ourselves from the godless commies back then. We added God to the Pledge, McCarthy was a hero, and the Cincinnati Reds pretended that their name had always been the Redlegs.
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Old 12-29-2006, 09:55 PM
Pullet Pullet is offline
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Ice Wolf, there is a little thing called polictical satire that you should probably wikipedia.

I, too, have been troubled by the fact that Mexicans continue to occur. Clearly, America has not accepted Jesus as our lord and savior hard enough, or such horrors would not be visited upon the righteous.
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Old 12-29-2006, 09:57 PM
Terrifel Terrifel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ice Wolf
I'm sorry -- foreigner here. Is this meant to be a spoof, and if so, what of?
Merely a somewhat incoherent ramble on the significance of America's official motto, and how it might be altered or otherwise improved to better reflect the national zeitgeist. Any suggestions?

Out of curiosity, does Australia have a state motto? If so, is it stupid?
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Old 12-29-2006, 10:02 PM
Idlewild Idlewild is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Terrifel
Merely a somewhat incoherent ramble on the significance of America's official motto, and how it might be altered or otherwise improved to better reflect the national zeitgeist. Any suggestions?

Out of curiosity, does Australia have a state motto? If so, is it stupid?
Yup, it's
SPOILER:
Itís just not fair, But I donít care, As long as we beat New Zealand
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Old 12-29-2006, 10:04 PM
Terrifel Terrifel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mister Goofy
Out of curiosity, does Australia have a state motto? If so, is it stupid?
--by which I meant, of course, "is it as stupid as typing Australia in place of New Zealand?" Sorry about that; there's no excuse for confusing the Lord of the Rings with Crocodile Dundee.
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Old 12-29-2006, 10:09 PM
Ice Wolf Ice Wolf is offline
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It's all cool, guys. I just read the OP, thought "Bloody hell, that's clever!" -- but most political satire (yes, Pullet, we do have that down here, so I know what it is) is about a specific subject, not something general like "America." Begging all pardons -- I was just curious, and seeking, as I do, further enlightenment into the ways of your culture. Have done since the early good MAD magazines.

Oh, and Idlewild? Nice one!
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Old 12-29-2006, 11:17 PM
Dr. Rieux Dr. Rieux is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Terrifel
--by which I meant, of course, "is it as stupid as typing Australia in place of New Zealand?" Sorry about that; there's no excuse for confusing the Lord of the Rings with Crocodile Dundee.
"You call that a sword that was broken? This is a sword that was broken!"
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Old 12-30-2006, 12:28 AM
manx manx is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Terrifel

Out of curiosity, does Australia have a state motto? If so, is it stupid?
Interestingly enough, neither New Zealand or Australia have a national motto, although NZ's used to be 'Onwards'.
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Old 12-30-2006, 01:24 AM
jabiru jabiru is offline
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Originally Posted by manx
Interestingly enough, neither New Zealand or Australia have a national motto, although NZ's used to be 'Onwards'.
Australia's motto used to be 'Advance Australia'. I think we're better off without one, if that's the best they can do.
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Old 12-29-2006, 10:59 PM
H3Knuckles H3Knuckles is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ice Wolf
I'm sorry -- foreigner here. Is this meant to be a spoof, and if so, what of?
What it is, is an absolutely hilarious and well-written mockery of the right-wing, conservative outlook on things as they stand today, while also criticizing the fact that we went from the tasteful aphorism "e pluribus unum" to adding "in God we trust" on our money (and shoe-horned a reference to God into our pledge of allegiance), despite actively promoting the idea that the original colonies were founded primarily to escape government enforced religion, as a paranoid reaction to godless communists.

Well done, Terrifel. Bravo!
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Old 12-29-2006, 10:00 PM
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"Trust us; we know what we're doing."
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Old 12-31-2006, 02:27 AM
Talon Karrde Talon Karrde is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drewbert
"Trust us; we know what we're doing."
We ARE the police force.
We don't watch the news, we make it.
Guns don't kill people, we do.
  #20  
Old 12-29-2006, 10:36 PM
Evil Captor Evil Captor is offline
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I think the South Park guys nailed it:

"America - Fuck Yeah!"

Simple, direct and to the point. You don't have to understand it, because there's nothing to understand. "America - Fuck Yeah!" Only a Commie could be against that.
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Old 12-29-2006, 10:44 PM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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BOHICA!!!
  #22  
Old 12-29-2006, 11:13 PM
Ice Wolf Ice Wolf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrainGlutton
Can a foreigner like me vote for that suggestion? We may need to borrow it sometime.
  #23  
Old 12-30-2006, 01:05 AM
Rick Rick is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evil Captor
I think the South Park guys nailed it:

"America - Fuck Yeah!"

Simple, direct and to the point. You don't have to understand it, because there's nothing to understand. "America - Fuck Yeah!" Only a Commie could be against that.
I'll third this one.
If it doesn't get picked, how about
FUBAR
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Old 12-30-2006, 04:05 AM
jackelope jackelope is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evil Captor
"America - Fuck Yeah!"
BAM! Case closed. I already find myself mentally singing this whenever I hear/see a military jet fly overhead.
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Old 12-29-2006, 11:14 PM
Apos Apos is offline
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The OP is quite correct. Thanks to the efforts of some decent people, Jefferson's motto is still around to some degree in the designs and plans. But it's no longer the official motto.
  #26  
Old 12-29-2006, 11:23 PM
Bryan Ekers Bryan Ekers is online now
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How about "no fat chicks" ?
  #27  
Old 12-30-2006, 12:49 AM
Boyo Jim Boyo Jim is offline
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Isn't "We're number one!" good enough? Especially since there's hardly a category left in which we're actually number one.
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Old 12-30-2006, 04:25 AM
chowder chowder is offline
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Originally Posted by Boyo Jim
Isn't "We're number one!" good enough? Especially since there's hardly a category left in which we're actually number one.
Oh really?

Well just ask who won the world conker championship and also the world marbles championship.

Go on, ask!
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Old 12-30-2006, 06:03 AM
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Originally Posted by chowder
Oh really?

Well just ask who won the world conker championship and also the world marbles championship.
And every year we win the World Series...

Isn't Canada's motto something like "Always Remember" (but in Latin)? Now there's a good motto, I take in Canadians never lose thier car keys.
  #30  
Old 12-30-2006, 06:39 AM
MEBuckner MEBuckner is offline
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Originally Posted by betenoir
Isn't Canada's motto something like "Always Remember" (but in Latin)? Now there's a good motto, I take in Canadians never lose thier car keys.
Canada's motto is A Mari Usque Ad Mare, "From Sea to Sea" (which they obviously stole from us). The motto of Quebec is Je me souviens, French for "I remember" (or as I always like to say, it's Canadian French for "Fergit, hell!")
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Old 12-30-2006, 05:35 PM
betenoir betenoir is offline
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Originally Posted by MEBuckner
Canada's motto is A Mari Usque Ad Mare, "From Sea to Sea" (which they obviously stole from us). The motto of Quebec is Je me souviens, French for "I remember" (or as I always like to say, it's Canadian French for "Fergit, hell!")
Thank you. Obviously I'm not from Quebec .

Charlie Tan, I like that last one.
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Old 12-30-2006, 07:42 AM
Princhester Princhester is offline
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Originally Posted by chowder
Oh really?

Well just ask who won the world conker championship and also the world marbles championship.

Go on, ask!
No. Shan't. Hah.
  #33  
Old 12-30-2006, 08:16 AM
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How about "All your oil wells belong to us"?
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Old 12-30-2006, 08:29 AM
matt_mcl matt_mcl is offline
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I think my favourite state motto is the Isle of Man's, Quocunque jeceris stabit: "Whithersoever thou throwest it, there shall it stand." It gives the image of a game of Isle of Man-tossing.
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Old 12-30-2006, 10:27 AM
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How about "All your oil wells belong to us"?
"US burning your dog!"
  #36  
Old 12-30-2006, 10:27 AM
Revtim Revtim is offline
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Originally Posted by rayh
How about "All your oil wells belong to us"?
Or maybe "I'm in ur country killing ur doodz"
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Old 12-30-2006, 06:04 PM
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Oh dear, too many good ones!

America - Fuck YEAH! is great, however I would like to submit a more 'hip' alternate. "America-Hells Yeah!" Could resonate with the youth, but runs the risk of being embarassingly unhip in a few years.

Or Drewbert's "Trust us; we know what we're doing." could be Jack Bauer'd up as, "We don't have to me to explain, you're going to have to trust us!". . .a bit wordy, but will perhaps save a great deal of time at the U.N.
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Old 12-30-2006, 06:06 PM
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Oh dear, too many good ones!

America - Fuck YEAH! is great, however I would like to submit a more 'hip' alternate. "America-Hells Yeah!" Could resonate with the youth, but runs the risk of being embarassingly unhip in a few years.

Or Drewbert's "Trust us; we know what we're doing." could be Jack Bauer'd up as, "We don't have to me to explain, you're going to have to trust us!". . .a bit wordy, but will perhaps save a great deal of time at the U.N.

"We don't have TIME to explain, you're going to have to trust us!".
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Old 12-31-2006, 01:11 AM
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Originally Posted by The The
Or Drewbert's "Trust us; we know what we're doing." could be Jack Bauer'd up as, "We don't have to me to explain, you're going to have to trust us!". . .
Or millions of people will die!
  #40  
Old 12-30-2006, 02:57 AM
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New South Wales does, though.

Orta Recens Quam Pura Nites (Newly Risen, How Bright Thou Shinest)

Catchy, isn't it?
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Old 12-30-2006, 03:00 AM
Ice Wolf Ice Wolf is offline
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New South Wales does, though.

Orta Recens Quam Pura Nites (Newly Risen, How Bright Thou Shinest)

Catchy, isn't it?
Is there a prize for the best pronunciation of that? I'd lose immediately.

Looks like Auckland nicked your old motto. Or at least the first bit.
  #42  
Old 12-30-2006, 03:01 AM
jayjay jayjay is offline
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As someone in a recent thread on national coats of arms noted, the motto of Norfolk Island is "Inasmuch". How inspiring!
  #43  
Old 12-30-2006, 03:34 AM
Ice Wolf Ice Wolf is offline
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Apparently the Norfolk Island is supposed to be just that - inspiring, in a Biblical way. Some online sources say it comes from the Book of Matthew. Certainly is an open-ended motto, though.
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Old 12-30-2006, 03:50 AM
Rysdad Rysdad is offline
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"That's America, Bitch!"
  #45  
Old 12-30-2006, 03:57 AM
MEBuckner MEBuckner is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ice Wolf
Apparently the Norfolk Island is supposed to be just that - inspiring, in a Biblical way. Some online sources say it comes from the Book of Matthew. Certainly is an open-ended motto, though.
Hmm. Well, "Inasmuch" appears twice in the Book of Matthew, using the King James Version:

Matthew 25:40: "And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."

Matthew 25:45: "Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me."

As a motto, though, it still seems awfully...elliptical.

(Oh, and I'll fourth "America - Fuck Yeah!"--that song was probably the best part of that whole movie.)
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  #46  
Old 12-30-2006, 06:40 AM
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Canada: "America's hat."

UK: "We used to run the world. No really. No honestly. Look it up. Right, that's it: conkers at dawn."
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Old 01-01-2007, 10:10 AM
Gadarene Gadarene is offline
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Terrifel: Brilliantly written OP.
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Old 12-30-2006, 10:30 AM
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Almost forgot......and The World Tiddlywinks Championship.


So go Merkins, beat that iffn ya can
  #49  
Old 12-30-2006, 11:32 AM
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Our God is Stronger than Your God: Everyone of whatever religious persuasion can delude themselves into believing their particular God is the referenced stronger God while all the other jerk-off Gods don't count for shit.
  #50  
Old 12-30-2006, 11:35 AM
Ponder Stibbons Ponder Stibbons is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Terrifel
Is it once again time to safeguard ourselves with a new, even stupider motto?
Yes.

And since, as noted above, we have a tradition of "testing out" new mottoes on coinage before making them official, I'd like to propose the following New Motto Coin.
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