Fight with a friend/co-worker... should I let this go? (longish)

[nevermore]

This may be more appropriate for MPSIMS, but since I'm looking for opinions, I'm asking here.

A little backstory, first--
This girl at work about my age, we'll call her Melissa, has been there about three months. We were fast friends, but I noticed quickly that she's extremely defensive-- if you have to correct her about anything, even if you're training her, you have to phrase it VERY delicately and she still might take it as a personal attack. We've had several spats about this very thing, as I'm the resident go-to person on what she's now doing; they've been pretty minor up to now, so I usually let them go after awhile (she has never apologized, though I maintain that they were ALL due to her attitude).

Anyway, this morning, I walk in and cheerfully say "Hey, Smell-issa!" My joking way of saying good morning. She doesn't respond, so after a minute I wander over to where she is and say "Hey, I said hi, what's up?" And she barks "Yeah, but you called me fucking SMELL-ISSA! You know I don't fucking like that!" (Actually, she told me some kids used to ill-naturedly call her a meaner version of that in school, and she hated it... however, I have called her that before and since knowing that, with no problems up to now. I guess I assumed she was over her junior high trauma.)

So I'm pretty taken aback, and say "Whoa... nice to see you too, just tryin' to say hi, guess you're in a bad mood..." and she starts into some tirade about how she WAS in a good mood until I said that, and why the fuck did I call her that, so I just cut her off-- "Hey, you know what, just shut up. If that's how you're gonna greet me, then fuck you." And I walk away.

I am pretty goddamn offended that she turned a silly little greeting into a fucking attack. I'm trying to say hi and she bites my fucking head off?? I'm pissed. So I don't say a word to her for a while, and then I notice her quietly crying about it, so I start to feel bad. I feel like I was justified in telling her to fuck off, because her reaction was totally inappopriate, but I figure I can at least say I'm sorry for saying the nickname in the first place, so I do. I say "Hey, I'm sorry I called you that. It won't happen again." She doesn't say anything. Doesn't even acknowledge that I said a word to her. We haven't spoken since, and this was at 9 this morning.

I know what she's going to do; she's going to wait 'til tomorrow and then act like it never happened. She's not going to apologize or even so much as accept MY apology. She'll just go on as if she never flipped her shit over some trivial bullshit, and I never called her on it. Thing is, I think I'm owed an apology, and I'm not so sure I'm ok with this just being dust in the wind. To me, her reaction was fuckin' psycho, and I'm not real sure that I want to be friends with someone with such a ridiculously short fuse, especially if they can't even acknowledge it as a fault. I don't need that shit.

Now, I'm not totally immature-- if we're not friends, I'm capable of having a civil working relationship with her, so that's not an issue. There just won't be anything extra. I'll be a co-worker and that's it. Also, if she apologizes sincerely, I'll accept. We'll go back to being friends, but I have irrevocably lost some respect for her, and I can't help that.

What I'm wondering is, what do you guys think about this? Am I being bratty, or am I right in being seriously offended? How would you react?

[beowulff]

You both sound like you're about 8 years old.
What you said was unprofessional, to say the least, and it's very possible that she has deep-seated issues that you've touched on.
Try to think of what an adult would do/say...

[ivylass]

She was immature in her reaction, but you were immature in your greeting.

You've apologized, she won't accept it, let it go, and try to act more professionally in the future.

[Swampwolf]

Let's see: It was a comment made in poor taste, but there was already precedent. You admitted you were joking, you apologized for hurting her feelings. She's being a fucking baby about it.
So yes. You are owed an apology.

But you won't get it. She obviously has some issues with how she relates to people, and it will probably tarnish every interaction she has.

My prediction:
You're right. She'll act like it never happened. Until the next time she throws a wobbler, then she'll bring it up again.

It's a shame to lose a friend over something as trivial as this, but I don't think she'd be a very good friend anyway. So it's no great loss. Sure, professional civility is the way to go, but I wouldn't recommend trying to be especially friendly with her...or at least, let her make the first move in having a social relationship.

eta: it sounds like she was having a bad day, and your remark, while previously okay, was just thrown at her at the wrong time, and sent her over the edge. You were around, so you caught the blame.
And to those who are saying it wasn't professional: their relationship is more than just professional. They are--or were, according to the OP, "fast friends." A little good-natured ribbing between friends in the workplace is not necessarily unprofessional.

[shy guy]

I don't think you're owed an apology.

It would be gracious of her to give you one, sure, but you're the one who called her a name and then told her to fuck off. I wouldn't react favorably to someone calling me stupid names, either. She overreacted, yeah, but that wouldn't have happened had you not been calling her names in the first place (and I don't think it's particularly relevant that you had called her names without consequence in the past).

She should, however, have accepted your apology. Giving you the silent treatment was immature.

I think that the other girl has issues and you're being a little bratty, although I can understand your reaction.

[sandra_nz]

You've both acted brattishly, in all honesty.

Just because she chose to be Miss Drama Queen doesn't mean that you should (I'm referring to your "fuck you" comment). You can't control her reactions but you can control your own. The best way to deal with people like that is to remain calm, not to heighten the drama.

I can't imagine wanting to be friends with someone who's ego is so fragile that she lashes out at other people all the time, but you're right that you will need to have a civil working relationship with her because that's the adult thing to do.

[Bricker]

How old is the OP, and what kind of job is this?

[Jodi]

Originally Posted by Bricker

How old is the OP, and what kind of job is this?

Based on the OP, I'd guess she's nine, and so the job must be selling Girl Scout cookies.

nevermore, you called the girl an immature name, and then you told her "shut up" and "fuck you." I'm not saying she was the poster child for maturity, but IMO there's no question who was further out of line, and it wasn't her.

As far as her not acknowledging your apology, I think you're being over-confident in even assuming she'll accept your apology, which I note was for the name and not for the "shut up" or the "fuck you". IMO, you'll be very lucky if she walks in tomorrow and acts like the whole ugly exchange never happened, since the alternative is that she cuts you dead (ignores you) or confronts you about it (another fight). Or worse, involves your boss or human resources about your unprofessionalism.

Put your relationship with this girl on a purely professional level and keep it there. You don't know each other well enough for the "mean teasing" you're doing ("mean teasing" is okay only if both parties understand the boundaries of it); you're not not communicating well (either of you); and you're behaving immaturely (both of you). Coworkers only from now on.

[Ephemera]

She sounds really touchy but you also come off incredibly immature yourself. Were I you and you guys really are friends, I'd just apologize, telling her that I didn't realize it was such an issue, and move on.

[pbbth]

I can see where you might have thought the insulting-yet-good-natured greeting would be okay since you said you felt like you had become friends very quickly. She freaked out, which is unprofessional and rude on her part, but you reacted badly to her freak out. We all make mistakes and I certianly understand why you reacted the way you did, but in the work place you really can't tell people to fuck off. It is generally frowned upon.

At this point I seriously recommend no longer considering her a friend. Think of her as that odd coworker and leave it at that. I personally choose to keep my personal life separate from my work life because of things like this.

[Q.N. Jones]

A mature, professional person does not intentionally bait someone they know to be overly sensitive. They avoid those landmines in the workplace. Sorry.

[Dinsdale]

See, we avoid this type of crap at our workplace by being openly hostile to each other.

Hey, Smellisa!
Fuck off!

Sounds like a good day.

[nevermore]

I kind of figured the "professional" thing would come up. Honestly, we joke around like little kids all day, so in the context of our relationship, this really was a shock to me. (For example, if we're discussing whether we liked a movie and we have different opinions, she'll say "Well, you're fat," and I'll say "You're ugly," and we'll laugh.)

Don't know if that changes anything, really. I don't normally throw "fuck" around at co-workers, but I guess she set the tone for that and it just came out. Still probably shouldn't have taken the bait, considering the location. Maybe I should apologize for saying that at work, but if we'd been anywhere else, I don't think I'd change it.

Thanks for the responses so far.

[Q.N. Jones]

Originally Posted by nevermore

I kind of figured the "professional" thing would come up. Honestly, we joke around like little kids all day, so in the context of our relationship, this really was a shock to me. (For example, if we're discussing whether we liked a movie and we have different opinions, she'll say "Well, you're fat," and I'll say "You're ugly," and we'll laugh.)

Don't know if that changes anything, really.

No. Making a habit of trading personal insults with a very touchy person? You're playing with fire, and you know it.

[nevermore]

Originally Posted by Q.N. Jones

No. Making a habit of trading personal insults with a very touchy person? You're playing with fire, and you know it.

I really didn't, before today, because she'd never been touchy about anything actually personal... just work.

There is a moral to what you're saying, though, and I think I get it. At any rate, I definitely won't be comfortable joking around with her in this manner anymore.

[Shayna]

She may have overreacted to the initial name-calling, but the fact that you didn't immediately apologize for having hurt and offended her, but instead told her to fuck off, is utterly outrageous. And if you did that shit to me in the workplace, and came back sometime later to apologize, I might not be so quick to accept it on the spot, either, as I might need more time to cool off from your gross, unprofessional conduct.

You not only aren't owed an apology, but it's up to you to make sure she understands that you truly regret your behavior and that it won't happen again under any circumstances. Then count yourself lucky she didn't go to Human Resources and report you.

[sandra_nz]

I hope you're able to develop a positive professional working relationship with her, nevermore. This might be the first time you've encountered this sort of behaviour in the workplace, but I can guarantee you it won't be the last, so this will be a great learning experience for you to work out the best way to deal with it.

[nevermore]

I'm a little surprised at the tone of some of your replies... seems like some of you aren't accustomed to the joking around that goes on between young people these days. That's about enough of the snide comments about my age and occupation, though, thanks.

Seems like most people agree that I was out of line by saying "shut up" and "fuck you" when she launched into her fuckity-fucks. Fair enough... I do feel bad about saying that at work, regardless of who "started it". I need to control how I respond when people lash out at me at work. Lesson learned.

[Jodi]

Originally Posted by nevermore

I'm a little surprised at the tone of some of your replies... seems like some of you aren't accustomed to the joking around that goes on between young people these days. That's about enough of the snide comments about my age and occupation, though, thanks.

There is no age at which it is appropriate for professional people in a work environment to call each other names or swear at each other. Both your actions and hers were unprofessional and immature, and it's really silly to then imply that those of us who think so just don't get you young people today.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to load the victrola into the autogyro to fly it over to the buggywhip factory.

[overlyverbose]

I have to throw my vote in with those who thought you both acted immaturely. I can understand the joking around. I'm 32 and I joke around with one of my younger colleagues that way sometimes, too. But... You knew before you spoke that Melissa already had a hangup about the name you called her and still used it anyway, even if it was a "nicer version" of the same thing. In my opinion, that's bound to cause a problem. I know it's easy to get carried away, but it sounds to me like that's exactly what happened.

I think she's being silly for ignoring you - that smacks of immaturity, too - but I'd also agree that you should probably think a little harder before you speak.

Either way, it doesn't seem like it was ill intentioned and that sucks that she's so touchy. Good luck tomorrow!

[nevermore]

Originally Posted by Jodi

There is no age at which it is appropriate for professional people in a work environment to call each other names or swear at each other. Both your actions and hers were unprofessional and immature, and it's really silly to then imply that those of us who think so just don't get you young people today.

Perhaps you missed that I said we're friends, and that we joke around, curse at each other, and tease each other constantly. I am not making up the fact that it is indeed the norm at my job to give each other shit and laugh about it daily, and not just between this girl and I. This has been the case among every set of 20something co-workers I have ever observed, excepting those who are religious or extremely shy. My older coworkers would gasp at some of the stuff we say to each other at work in fun, and thus we don't joke around with them in that way. That is why I assumed that the shock is possibly generational, and I don't agree that it's a silly assumption.

[Jodi]

Originally Posted by nevermore

Perhaps you missed that I said we're friends, and that we joke around, curse at each other, and tease each other constantly.

And how's that working out for you?

I am not making up the fact that it is indeed the norm at my job to give each other shit and laugh about it daily, and not just between this girl and I.

There's a lot of stuff that is "the norm" in work situations that are not professional and not good ideas. Look, you called this woman a name, told her "fuck you" and "shut up" and reduced her to tears. She in turn yelled at you, including obscenities, and then gave you the silent treatment. If you think any of that is defensible work-place behavior, I'm sorry, you're simply incorrect. My age and your age have nothing to do with it. If you think the HR person is going to say "You told your coworker 'fuck you'? That's okay! You're only 24!", you're dreaming. The best you could hope for in that situation is that he or she will tell you both to cut it out this minute and leave each other the hell alone. Which is basically what you're being told here.

Originally Posted by Flyhalf

No name calling even if you're joking? Ok. But now I'm confused. We can't jokingly call each other names because that is unprofessional, but passing a happy birthday card around IS professional

I'm pretty sure I never said anything about birthday cards but no: Calling each other names is not professional and should be discouraged. Why? Because as this example shows, people tend to misunderstand each others' boundaries and what is intended as "teasing" on one person's part can all too easily read as meanness or even harrassment to the person being called the name.

It's not appropriate to call each other names in grade school; it's no more appropriate at work as an adult. This is even more true with the sort of "mean teasing" that includes "shut up, fatty" or "you bitch!," which should only be done among people who know each other very, very well -- precisely because it can so easily be misinterpreted.

The OP thought she was on safe ground based on previous interactions with this coworker. Well, she was wrong. That right there is the exact reason why this sort of thing should be firmly discouraged.

[Dangerosa]

Originally Posted by nevermore

Perhaps you missed that I said we're friends, and that we joke around, curse at each other, and tease each other constantly. I am not making up the fact that it is indeed the norm at my job to give each other shit and laugh about it daily, and not just between this girl and I. This has been the case among every set of 20something co-workers I have ever observed, excepting those who are religious or extremely shy. My older coworkers would gasp at some of the stuff we say to each other at work in fun, and thus we don't joke around with them in that way. That is why I assumed that the shock is possibly generational, and I don't agree that it's a silly assumption.

You are SELDOM actually friends with people you work with.

Oh, you think you are friends, you joke and laugh at work.

Then you discover your "friend" threw you to the wolves when she needed someone to blame for a project going wrong.

Or the new girl is making a sexual harassment complainant because you joke around and call each other "slut" or "hosebag." Even though she seemed to be good natured about it for a month.

Or you just leave, and discover that you don't care enough about these people to call them - and they don't call you either.

And you say you know her well enough it won't come to that - but you'll find you are wrong one day about how well you know someone - and if you are lucky, and have been professional, and don't get set up - in the end you'll still have a job.

I was good friends with a co-worker once. Watched his cat when he went out of town. Carpooled, met his family (friend thing only). One day he needed to set someone up for the fall on one of his projects - and it was me.

Keep your friends in your personal life. Keep your coworkers professional.

[Flyhalf]

Originally Posted by Jodi

There is no age at which it is appropriate for professional people in a work environment to call each other names or swear at each other. Both your actions and hers were unprofessional and immature, and it's really silly to then imply that those of us who think so just don't get you young people today.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to load the victrola into the autogyro to fly it over to the buggywhip factory.

No name calling even if you're joking? Ok. But now I'm confused. We can't jokingly call each other names because that is unprofessional, but passing a happy birthday card around IS professional.

[Shayna]

Originally Posted by nevermore

I'm a little surprised at the tone of some of your replies... seems like some of you aren't accustomed to the joking around that goes on between young people these days.

Nonsense. I'm accustomed to all kinds of joking around, in all kinds of environments, between all kinds of people, spanning all kinds of ages. It's you who is unaccustomed to appropriate workplace etiquette, and unable to see or acknowledge how completely out of line you were.

You think that just because this girl didn't respond negatively the first time you greeted her with an obviously insulting name, that that gave you license to continue to use it. Perhaps she just didn't want to make waves and hoped it was a one-off and you'd call her by her actual name after that, so she let it slide. But you persisted in your schoolyard antics, despite the fact that this is a place of business, so finally she snapped at you.

You didn't deserve to be cussed at, but your response was so inappropriate that in most places of employment you'd be given a formal, written warning for it, and possibly terminated if it were brought to the attention of either Management or Human Resources.

Seriously, consider this a lesson learned the easy way, since all it cost you was a potential workplace "friend" and not a job.

[Alice The Goon]

Originally Posted by Shayna

You didn't deserve to be cussed at, but your response was so inappropriate that in most places of employment you'd be given a formal, written warning for it, and possibly terminated if it were brought to the attention of either Management or Human Resources.

Seriously, consider this a lesson learned the easy way, since all it cost you was a potential workplace "friend" and not a job.

Ditto. If I said "fuck you" to a coworker I'd most likely get fired, especially because I already have a history of being mouthy (never said that, though), but even if I'd never been in trouble before, there would definitely be a meeting and a write up. If this gets back to your supervisors, don't be surprised if there's a meeting in your future about it. You just don't act like that at work, not even if you're provoked. People are expected to be mature and professional at work. If your response to that advice is, "Oh, but my workplace is cool like that, I won't get in trouble", you'd still do well to practice for the future. If you let mouthiness become ingrained in you, then you go to a job where they don't tolerate mouthiness, and a lot don't, then you get in trouble all the time. (I'm doing a lot better since the last meeting, though )

ETA: Oh yeah, if you were training her, you definitely shouldn't have said that... I'd be working on my resume right now for sure.

[nevermore]

A lot of people seem to be concerned about HR and management getting involved here... I can assure you, it would never come to that. I know her well enough to know she'd never take something like this to management. She is not just my co-worker, she is my friend. Not just my work friend, but my friend. She would never escalate it to that level.

It's not really a matter of luck that she didn't take this to HR; if she were the type of person to get so offended at a "shut up/fuck you" that she felt she couldn't work it out with me and had to take it to management, not only would I never have crossed that line to begin with, but she and I probably wouldn't have become friends in the first place. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I know what lines I can cross with who at work, and I know what overstepping my bounds with most individuals will cost me.

At any rate, I think this is worked out. She texted me just now thanking me for apologizing, and saying that she's sorry for making me feel attacked. Tomorrow will be a better day.

[NailBunny]

I am not an unusually defensive person.

I have a T-shirt that says "Slinky", in the toy-brand logo. At some point several years ago, I wore this shirt to work and someone joked that it looked like it said "Stinky". Hahahaha, we all had a good laugh.

Except no one. Would let it. GO. I like that shirt, but everytime I would wear it it was "Hey Stinky!" "How you doin' Stinky!" One particular day, when I was stressed out about something else entirely, someone came up and said something to the "Hey Stinky" effect, and I had a smiliar reaction that your co-worker had to "Smell-issa".

Overreacting? Yeah, certainly. She probably had some other stuff going on. I still think it's rather strange that this:

Originally Posted by nevermore

"Hey, I'm sorry I called you that. It won't happen again."

wasn't your first response, instead of "Fuck you".

Track her down, apologize again and don't call her that anymore.

[missbunny]

You were wrong long, long before she was.

Calling people names you are well aware they do not wish to be called, and then telling them to shut up and fuck off when they get mad at it, and then acting as if you are the one who has been wronged, is probably the most annoying behavior anyone can have. It's so manipulative. You were allowed to tell her to shut up and fuck off, but she's not allowed to be justifiably angry at your doing something that she has told you not to do.

You should have immediately apologized since she was clearly fed up at being called that name, and then apologized again for the "fuck you,"and then left her alone.

If she just continues on tomorrow as though nothing happened, that seems pretty ideal to me. She's letting it go and so should you.

[nevermore]

Shayna, I'm quite familiar with proper workplace etiquette, but with your friends, you feel free to breach that etiquette now and then. If our interactions were always governed by workplace etiquette, we'd never have had half the conversations we've had. That is why I was so shocked that a harmless little nickname, of all things, would incite such a dramatic response from her.

You (and others) are correct that it wasn't appropriate for either of us to trade fuck-you's at work, friends or not, but the joking nickname was not out of line. I'm not saying anything about whether she should have been offended or not, given her past, but for my workplace, even our bosses would find that particular "insult" laughably trivial.

[Boyo Jim]

Originally Posted by nevermore

...you (and others) are correct that it wasn't appropriate for either of us to trade fuck-you's at work, friends or not, but the joking nickname was not out of line. ....

Yes, it was. You're in a business environment where others might also hear what you say, and not understand the context of your friendship.

AND SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND EITHER!

Your still don't get it, after a reaction like she had, that what you said is inappropriate?

That's not immature, that's stupid.

[nevermore]

Well, I'm all sorts of humbled. Only a few people here find significant fault with my co-worker for lashing out at me the way she did, choice phrases and all, good intentions be damned, but almost everyone is amazed that my initial reaction wasn't to apologize, but to curse back at the person who was yelling and cursing at me.

It's one thing to say I shouldn't have done it, or I ought to apologize for it, but I'm sort of flabbergasted that so many people are shocked that it was my first instinct. If you all really exhibit this sort of self-control in your everyday life, and I'm the odd one out, well, I've got a long way to go. I guess I needed to figure that out at some point in my life.

[Q.N. Jones]

Originally Posted by nevermore

Well, I'm all sorts of humbled. Only a few people here find significant fault with my co-worker for lashing out at me the way she did, choice phrases and all, good intentions be damned, but almost everyone is amazed that my initial reaction wasn't to apologize, but to curse back at the person who was yelling and cursing at me.

Oh, your co-worker is a nutjob, and is in the wrong as well. But I can't fix her, and neither can you. All you can fix is how you act in the future. So I refrained from discussing the fact that she is clearly out of line on a regular basis.

[Boyo Jim]

Originally Posted by nevermore

Well, I'm all sorts of humbled. Only a few people here find significant fault with my co-worker for lashing out at me the way she did, choice phrases and all, good intentions be damned, but almost everyone is amazed that my initial reaction wasn't to apologize, but to curse back at the person who was yelling and cursing at me.

It's one thing to say I shouldn't have done it, or I ought to apologize for it, but I'm sort of flabbergasted that so many people are shocked that it was my first instinct. If you all really exhibit this sort of self-control in your everyday life, and I'm the odd one out, well, I've got a long way to go. I guess I needed to figure that out at some point in my life.

That is a very good response, and this is a very good place to learn -- fewer consequences than learning these lessons in the real world. You simply can't count on everyone, or anyone, to recognize your inherent good nature and friendly intentions, and forgive your behavior.

We all have to learn each other's boundaries, and in the learning we sometimes step over the line. By far, the most offensive thing was not your original comment, but your reaction to her anger.

As a smart ass myself, the most valuable lesson I can impart is to be sensitive to the reactions of your audience, and to IMMEDIATELY back off and apologize if you get an unexpected reaction. Plus, don't repeat it.

[nevermore]

Well, I just sent her a message saying again that I'm sorry for calling her that in the first place (in case she just didn't hear me or something when I told her this morning), that I didn't mean it to hurt her feelings and honestly had no idea it still bothered her.

I also said that I'm sorry for saying shut up and fuck you, but it's a well-known fault of mine that I'm very defensive when someone yells at me for hurting them without considering that I didn't mean to. I said I felt like I was being attacked when all I was trying to do was be friendly, and that's really all it was.

I figure even if we can't be friends, I can at least tell her I'm sorry so we can be civil at work. At least this way I can say I did everything I could.

Thanks for the enlightenment, all, even if some of you are a little harsher than I would've liked. Some of you, I think, need to keep in mind that one interaction is not telling of a person's entire character or even workplace persona, and is definitely not grounds for cheap jibes, but perhaps that comes with not being well-known around here.

[Viridiana]

Originally Posted by nevermore

Thanks for the enlightenment, all, even if some of you are a little harsher than I would've liked. Some of you, I think, need to keep in mind that one interaction is not telling of a person's entire character or even workplace persona, and is definitely not grounds for cheap jibes, but perhaps that comes with not being well-known around here.

I started my reply before I left work and now that I'm back, I see it's not really necessary. Thanks for having a clear head and being thoughtful about this, it's great to see! I would advise to remind yourself next time that what you've just said in my quote can easily apply to her interaction with you, too. With that in mind, maybe you guys can be friends, if not great friends.

[Boyo Jim]

Originally Posted by nevermore

... Some of you, I think, need to keep in mind that one interaction is not telling of a person's entire character or even workplace persona, and is definitely not grounds for cheap jibes, but perhaps that comes with not being well-known around here.

EVERY occasion here is an occasion for cheap jibes -- believe me, it's not an issue of how well known you are. All we know about you is what you volunteer to tell us -- so all our judgements are based on less information than almost anyone who knows you in the RW. Plus, we can't see the anger and frustration our words cause, so we can pretend they don't.

Just to give you an example, a couple of weeks ago, I posted this about a purse theft thread. I got some disagreement, including this one.

You're getting off light.

[Bridget Burke]

Originally Posted by nevermore

.....I also said that I'm sorry for saying shut up and fuck you, but it's a well-known fault of mine that I'm very defensive when someone yells at me for hurting them without considering that I didn't mean to. I said I felt like I was being attacked when all I was trying to do was be friendly, and that's really all it was.......

So you get yelled at often? It sounds as though you have problems with friendship and with relating to co-workers.

Yes, I'm considerably older than you. Which means I've learned enough restraint in the workplace not to yell "Will you both shut the fuck up so we can get some work done?" I've learned that a well-timed comment to someone in authority is more effective.

If you want to be "friends"--save the extreme informality for Happy Hour.

[glee]

Originally Posted by nevermore

Well, I'm all sorts of humbled. Only a few people here find significant fault with my co-worker for lashing out at me the way she did, choice phrases and all, good intentions be damned, but almost everyone is amazed that my initial reaction wasn't to apologize, but to curse back at the person who was yelling and cursing at me.

It's one thing to say I shouldn't have done it, or I ought to apologize for it, but I'm sort of flabbergasted that so many people are shocked that it was my first instinct. If you all really exhibit this sort of self-control in your everyday life, and I'm the odd one out, well, I've got a long way to go. I guess I needed to figure that out at some point in my life.

I'm 54 and have worked in computing, training graduates, a small office (3 people), a technical college and currently a school.

It would never occur to me to call colleagues annoying names at work, let alone think it was funny.
If I had spats with someone (as you said you had with Melissa), I would sort out the problem.
Swearing is certainly out.

I think learning business-like behaviour is an essential habit, since e.g. you may not realise when a customer is listening.

Good luck.

[FourPaws]

Originally Posted by nevermore

Well, I'm all sorts of humbled. Only a few people here find significant fault with my co-worker for lashing out at me the way she did, choice phrases and all, good intentions be damned, but almost everyone is amazed that my initial reaction wasn't to apologize, but to curse back at the person who was yelling and cursing at me.

It's one thing to say I shouldn't have done it, or I ought to apologize for it, but I'm sort of flabbergasted that so many people are shocked that it was my first instinct. If you all really exhibit this sort of self-control in your everyday life, and I'm the odd one out, well, I've got a long way to go. I guess I needed to figure that out at some point in my life.

Okay, I'm not done reading all the responses, but I'm chiming in now.
Don't be humbled.
I, too, was amazed at all the responses asking you to prostrate yourself to your friend/coworker, and that you should never, never, ever say things like that at work. Bad girl! BAD! For Shame!

I am extremely glad that I don't have to work with those in here making comments about HR and workplace appropriateness. Did all of you grow up in a bubble? Sorry if it's not professional. Big. Deal. Now they're not going to be friends, so whoopty-doo.

I guess I expected less lameness from a buch of Dopers.

[Contrapuntal]

Originally Posted by FourPaws

Sorry if it's not professional. Big. Deal.

Why is behaving unprofessionally in a professional environment not a big deal? You're getting paid to do a job, not act like a bunch of brats on a playground. Saying "fuck you" to each other? If you worked for me you'd be out on your ass, and then you could hang out with your pals and call each other names all day.

[Dinsdale]

From the OP:

This girl at work about my age, we'll call her Melissa, has been there about three months. We were fast friends, but I noticed quickly that she's extremely defensive-- if you have to correct her about anything, even if you're training her, you have to phrase it VERY delicately and she still might take it as a personal attack. We've had several spats about this very thing, as I'm the resident go-to person on what she's now doing; they've been pretty minor up to now, so I usually let them go after awhile (she has never apologized, though I maintain that they were ALL due to her attitude).

Show of hands, folks - does this describe a co-worker you would choose to playfully tease - no matter what your work environment?

None - you've become fast friends with this co-worker in less than 3 months, even tho you've had several spats concerning her inappropriate reactions to you? And given her repeated tendency to react badly, you felt this was the person you ought to greet wioth a humorous insult?

The reason the older folks at work don't joke around like you and your peers might be because they've seen enough of this crap in the past, and have decided we are better off without such drama. Whatever pleasure we might derive from joking with co-workers is miniscule compared to the potential hassle should you rub the wrong co-worker the wrong way. You might do worse than to listen to fossils like Jodi and dange. (Damned sexy fossils nonetheless!)

I think there is a lot of merit to the saying "Friends is friends and business is business." IMO, one does well to not blur that line lightly.

[FourPaws]

Originally Posted by Contrapuntal

Why is behaving unprofessionally in a professional environment not a big deal? You're getting paid to do a job, not act like a bunch of brats on a playground. Saying "fuck you" to each other? If you worked for me you'd be out on your ass, and then you could hang out with your pals and call each other names all day.

Because I said so.

I mean really, do you expect my response to somehow change your perception of the issue?

It all depends on the job, and the individuals, and those around them. You don't think that their are different levels of "professionalism" depending on the job involved? This isn't a federal crime to break the "professionalism" rule, now is it?

I used to work for a financial company where the President would routinely knock on the window of his office when I was walking by so I would look in and take notice of the fact he was giving me the finger, and vice versa. No, it's not professional, but really, who cares?

I often give customers snarky responses to their questions (again, in a financial industry). Is it professional? By your definition, no. But the cusomers love it, and remember me, and we develop a rapport.

None of this is so crucial that it's worth getting as worked up as y'all are. She misread her friend. Her friend got pissed. She got pissed. She apologized. It's over. Move along.

[AngryIrishLass]

Stop at Hallmark, get a card, write (another) apology for the name calling and a very heart felt apology for the fuck you. Ask her to forgive you and then leave it at that. If she forgives you then great. If not then it'll be a tough working environment. If you two do patch it up, do NOT go back to the sort of joking/teasing manners you've described. That era is over.

You've stumbled upon a quick lesson of what is acceptable at the workplace and what is not. What you described is best left for your much closer friends instead of some work friend. Pretend everyone you work with is "shy" or "religious" and you'll find work a lot easier to navigate.

I'll agree with you that during the heated exchange I might have thought Fuck you. Manners dictate that you not say that, instead you apologize and walk away.

Edit: preview is my friend

[FourPaws]

Originally Posted by AngryIrishLass

Stop at Hallmark, get a card, write (another) apology for the name calling and a very heart felt apology for the fuck you. Ask her to forgive you and then leave it at that. If she forgives you then great. If not then it'll be a tough working environment. If you two do patch it up, do NOT go back to the sort of joking/teasing manners you've described. That era is over.

You've stumbled upon a quick lesson of what is acceptable at the workplace and what is not. What you described is best left for your much closer friends instead of some work friend. Pretend everyone you work with is "shy" or "religious" and you'll find work a lot easier to navigate.

I'll agree with you that during the heated exchange I might have thought Fuck you. Manners dictate that you not say that, instead you apologize and walk away.

Edit: preview is my friend

Get her a card? Oh, come on. Why not bake her a frickin cake and feed it to her while you're at it? She already apologized -- twice. Now she's got to apologize again? Give me a break.

[saoirse]

Originally Posted by FourPaws

Get her a card? Oh, come on. Why not bake her a frickin cake and feed it to her while you're at it?

If I was the co-worker, I'd totally forgive you if you did this.

[FourPaws]

Originally Posted by saoirse

If I was the co-worker, I'd totally forgive you if you did this.

Ok, But you'd have to be cute and female for me to feed you cake.

[samm]

Come on. Are you being intentionally dense? The definition of professional: exhibiting a courteous, conscientious, and generally businesslike manner in the workplace.

It is courteous to sign a co-worker's birthday card when it goes around. It is not courteous to call a co-worker smelly. If you cannot see the distinction and want to quibble about which one is "professional" and which one isn't, then you will probably find yourself in the same boat as the OP sooner or later.

[sandra_nz]

Hey nevermore, sounds like you were able to get a good resolution (apart from the little pile-on you're experiencing here, but I'm sure your knowledge of the Pit tells you that ain't uncommon)! Great to hear that both parties have acknowledged their inappropriate behaviour.

The only bit of caution I'd give is don't assume this puts the 'friendship' back to how it was before the incident. This girl is clearly fragile and can/will blow up again. Make it your mission not to be the cause of any of those future blow-ups.

[Zoe]

Nevermore, are you always this defensive? It's really nonsense to claim that you don't have the problem when you came to us with the problem. Meanwhile, you are demonstrating a characteristic that you attributed to the other employee.

Dopers are very blunt. We don't sugarcoat much of anything. You are rude to accuse anyone who offered advice of being on a "high horse." You rang?