Friend housesitting for my parents...am I being ridiculous?

[Mona Lisa Simpson]

My friend Linda (and I) are 40, she has no kids, never married, never a serious relationship, never held down any career type job for any length of time (she is not dumb, very well educated, but she chose a poor degree for actually getting work, then had depression issues 10 years ago) and always had her parents small business to fall back on. In the last 10 years she either teaches ESL abroad, or does volunteer work in developing countries for a few months, comes back for the summer, works for her parents, and travels/ volunteers over the winter.
She has always said she wanted the house /husband/kids thing but she is so painfully shy she has barely been on second dates.

My parents who have known her for years, (since she and I were in high school together) offered to have her house sit when she got back from her latest globe trotting. Now, I live 5 minute drive from them, have no problem dropping by, collecting mail, watering plants. Plus when I work night shifts I go there to sleep so the phone etc won't wake me up.

Since she got back last week, Linda has phoned and emailed me about getting the key to my parents house. I will have to go and show her the stuff, the tricky door, the water main, etc, etc, all told it will be about a half hour showing her stuff. Its not a big deal, but part of me is ticked that they want her to move in and do this stuff. Including keys to my mothers car. They don't know she is distracted and clueless behind the wheel, and doesnt drive in winter because she is high strung and nervous (the taking her car off the road thing when she is only gone 6 weeks does not make any sense) I emailed her that I was in a heavy work stretch and I would be happy to do the keys and showing her around thing when there is a lull in my schedule, and I got the response that she is eager to get out of her parents place and would adapt to my lunch hour, after work, whatever. I feel that since she choses to live with her parents, work for them, spend her earnings travelling or "pay to volunteer" gigs, that any urgency on her part related to getting out of her parents house is not an emergency on my part. She's always been a good friend, although she lately makes a few broad strokes comments about me living unmarried with my boyfriend, or working nights and the overtime that I do " I don't know how you do it, it ages people to work shift and is unhealthy." My boyfriend says Im being ridiculous; give her the keys, let her figure it out and take that one errand a day off my plate. He is probably right, but I am annoyed with her timetable, and I like taking care of my parent's house. Its a quiet space and I get even 10 minutes of me time when I do the plants, mail etc. I told my mother about this last December before they left, she shrugged and said it was Dad's idea. Dad got the idea after friends of theirs were talking about their house sitter. (Those friends don't have family in town)

Anyway, I leave it to the dopers, who always call it as they see it.

Am I ridiculous?

[kittenblue]

Nope. This is perfectly normal and natural. She's going to be in "YOUR" space...somewhere you think of as a little island of peace. Heck, I get a tiny bit upset when the people I housesit for get another sitter when I'm not available! It's perfectly understandable, especially if you grew up in that house. Don't feel bad about feeling bad, but try to keep in mind that your parents thought they were both doing you a favor and giving her a way to (possibly) earn some money or get away from her parents. They are wrong, but they meant well.

[Mona Lisa Simpson]

Kitten blue...they arent paying her....
Itss a place to crash deal

[astro]

Yes you're being overly sensitive and "ridiculous", and it sounds like you have unresolved issues/ lifestyle resentments WRT this friend that you're projecting them onto this meaningless house sitting gig. You need to show her the house and let it go, otherwise you're just being petty.

[Girl From Mars]

Having someone stay at their house full time is arguably a better theft deterrent than a casual swing by for 10 min every so often. I think if you looked at this objectively, it is a better thing for your parents, and it seems like it does her a favour as well, since she's keen to get a little bit of her own space. You like doing it so you can get those 10 min to yourself - how much more might she be looking forward to a few weeks without her parents?

It can be weird when your parents sub someone else into a role you normally play, but it's a one off thing, and I'd not stress too much about it.

[Nava]

I have a live-in housesitter and one of my brothers (who could in no way or fashion housesit) has been known to try to give me advice about it; basically, instead of seeing it as a housesitting deal, he saw it as "I'm sure you're not charging him enough rent."

I appreciated his wanting to take care of me, explained that the exact details of the deal weren't really any of his business and pointed out that the biggest benefit wasn't "rent" but "having someone there when the gas inspection is due." He saw the point and backed off.

It sounds to me like, same as my brother saw what looked to him like I had a problem I wasn't seeing, you see faults in your friend which you think your parents don't - and you may even be right, at least in part. I definitely wasn't charging "market rent" to the housesitter, you know? So in that part, my brother was right.

Some other things are also different from what they would be if this housesitter was a stranger, both on the housesitter's attitude and in yours. A stranger might not insist on moving in now in a way and to a point where you find it irritating - or they might.

And then there's the "why is she living in my parents' house?" You know that it's not that they don't trust you, they're trying to help her.

My advice is, separate the "she's my friend" from "she's my parents' housesitter." Meet her as soon as you humanly can to give her the tour and the keys, and when it comes to housesitting she should be as independent and get exactly as much space as if you didn't know her at all. Monday? Monday's good!

[sugar and spice]

I think your choices here are either to give her the keys or call your parents and tell them they need to FedEx the keys to her themselves, you want nothing to do with this. It's understandable that you don't like this plan but it's their house and their decision, if you're not going to go along with their plan then at least tell them this directly.

[Mona Lisa Simpson]

My main issue is that she chooses this lifestyle, comments how living with her parents allows her to travel, study, etc. Suddenly, she is home for two days and starts asking for the keys, because she can't deal with living at home. I used to have sympathy for her living a single life with her parents and so forth but in the last year I have realized that she doesn't really want to change. (Several examples deleted) She doesnt understand why I won't get up at noon to meet her and do this key exchange, but I go to bed at 9 am. If you went to bed at 9 pm would you meet me at midnight because it was convinient to me? She won't drive in winter so I would either have to meet her when her parents come in to town or drive the 10 miles or so outside city limits to get her. So this week my choice is to go see her when I should be sleeping, or see her after I wake up and miss my family time with my son and boyfriend.

I'd rather not have her housesit, but that's my parents choice. Dropping by when I am asleep and getting the key from my boyfriend is still an option, but Id rather go and show her. I just want her to wait until Monday when I am done with this rough part of my rotation. Again, her wanting her space is not my emergency.

[Lightray]

Originally Posted by Mona Lisa Simpson

I'd rather not have her housesit, but that's my parents choice. Dropping by when I am asleep and getting the key from my boyfriend is still an option, but Id rather go and show her. I just want her to wait until Monday when I am done with this rough part of my rotation. Again, her wanting her space is not my emergency.

No. Her schedule is not your emergency.

Do not put yourself out to accomodate what should have been taken care of between your parents and her. Tell her, firmly but simply, "You will have to wait until Monday." and be done with it.

If she whines -- and, it sounds like she will -- learn the value of "That is not my problem. You will have to wait until Monday. Now, excuse me, but I have other things to take care of." and end the conversation.

Be judgmental or not about her and your parents' choice, but don't make yourself into a doormat to accomodate her because you're feeling guilty about feeling judgmental. She's an adult. She can either wait, or find some other way to fix what is her issue.

[legalsnugs]

Okay, maybe I'm just really dense today, but MLS, don't you go to the parents house every single day? Could you not just meet her out there when you are already going to be there? Just tell her "I'll be at my parents' house at 8 pm on Saturday night (or whenever). Come get the key. If you're not there by 8:10, I'm leaving." Then the ball's in her court - if she's so desperate to get the key, she'll be there.

[Labrador Deceiver]

I don't understand why you think all these tangents about her lifestyle are relevant to the topic at hand.

[CTburns]

Originally Posted by Lightray

No. Her schedule is not your emergency.

Do not put yourself out to accomodate what should have been taken care of between your parents and her. Tell her, firmly but simply, "You will have to wait until Monday." and be done with it.

If she whines -- and, it sounds like she will -- learn the value of "That is not my problem. You will have to wait until Monday. Now, excuse me, but I have other things to take care of." and end the conversation.

Be judgmental or not about her and your parents' choice, but don't make yourself into a doormat to accomodate her because you're feeling guilty about feeling judgmental. She's an adult. She can either wait, or find some other way to fix what is her issue.

That's it! Take it out on your parents for not having forsight to get her some keys, and assuming that you'd be an adult about it and hand them over. The best part is that you get to use her as a scapegoat toi your parents as to why their kind offer went unutilized!

[Lightray]

Originally Posted by CTburns

That's it! Take it out on your parents for not having forsight to get her some keys, and assuming that you'd be an adult about it and hand them over. The best part is that you get to use her as a scapegoat toi your parents as to why their kind offer went unutilized!

Since I said nothing whatsoever about getting back at her parents, you've obviously decided to project your bizarre fantasy of what I said onto what I actually said. Maybe next time, you could reply to my actual post.

[Sleeps With Butterflies]

Originally Posted by Mona Lisa Simpson

My main issue is that she chooses this lifestyle, comments how living with her parents allows her to travel, study, etc. Suddenly, she is home for two days and starts asking for the keys, because she can't deal with living at home.

Looking back at this thread I think this is what really strikes me as petty. According to your own words, your main issue isn't that giving her the keys would be inconvenient for you. Your main issue is about her lifestyle which is none of your business.

This person is a good friend and has been one for a long time? Yikes.

[Sleeps With Butterflies]

It does seem to me that you are rationalizing all kinds of reasons why you can't just meet her and give her the keys. She says she'll adapt to your lunch schedule (etc) yet you're clearly avoiding the key exchange. Just reading what you've written it sounds like you are jealous of your parents choice to have her stay there.

Also, while you mention that you feel she judges you for your life it is pretty obvious that you judge her harshly for her situation. We all have issues we could work on and improve yet we don't. She's hardly alone in that. It sounds like the arrangement she has with her family does allow her to live a life she enjoys. Naturally there are bumps in the road and she might want some space from her family. It sounds to me as if you resent her travels and the safety net she has with her parents.

So, to be really honest, you're coming off fairly petty and envious.

[Markxxx]

So you're ticked off because someone you describe as being less fortunate than you is getting a break from your parents.

Did you ever see the episode of the Simpsons with Frank Grimes. He's the only one that can see that Homer leads a charmed life and that despite never actually having earned anything he gets everything regardless.

You say "She's always been a good friend," and now you're finding excuses to pick her apart?

You're just jealous. Honestly if re-read your own words you can see you describe this lady as far less fortunate than you. So why do you care if she gets a break? Her getting a break from your folks isn't taking anything away from you.

It's like when I go to the store and I hear someone mumbling about someone else, who they don't know using food stamps. They're just mad because they don't get free stuff. But really they ought to be happy they don't need to have that break.

Is it better to break your leg and have everyone carry your stuff and pay attention to you? Or is it better to not have a broken leg and be ignored? I think the latter is the case.

This is really a trivial thing in the larger scope of things. There is a bad recession on, people have REAL problems, don't create a mountain out of a mole hill.

Instead of finding reasons WHY to be ticked off at your friend staying at your mother's house try finding reasons to be grateful you have your own house and don't need to depend on the kindess or generousity of others

[Marienee]

This is a boundary issue and I have to throw a flag on this play. Your parents want her in the house, she wants to be in the house, you don't want her to be in the house. Your parents want her to have the keys, she wants to have the keys, you don't want her to have the keys. But it's their house, so they get to decide who hangs out there.

I assume this has to do with the fact that you like having access to the space, but that is a problem you need to deal with by talking to your parents; it isn't her fault you sleep there and want to keep doing so.

What her lifestyle has to do with this is a mystery to me. Your boyfriend is right: just tell her when she can get the keys and that's it. No need to show her around or anything.

[sandra_nz]

You sound really jealous, touchy and judgemental.

You invested quite a lot of time in your initial email talking about her lifestyle that you don't approve of, then you take offense when she appears to have disapproved of your lifestyle. Pot, meet kettle.

You've said yourself that sorting her out with the keys is not a big deal, so put on your big girl pants and go do it.

If you have an issue with your parents entrusting her to do this stuff, then your issue is with your parents, don't take it out on her.

[legalsnugs]

I must have missed something. Why doesn't she get a key from your parents? The deal is between her and your parents, right? Why are you involved at all?

[sandra_nz]

Originally Posted by legalsnugs

I must have missed something. Why doesn't she get a key from your parents? The deal is between her and your parents, right? Why are you involved at all?

The parents have already vacated the house (as stated in the OP) and I'm guessing she holds the spare key.

[legalsnugs]

Originally Posted by sandra_nz

The parents have already vacated the house (as stated in the OP) and I'm guessing she holds the spare key.

Ah! Thanks, I got lost in all the whining. Why doesn't MLS just FedEx the keys then, with a list explaining what all needs to be done?

[elbows]

Your issue seems to be with your parents offering her this while you judge her to be undeserving.

Have her pick up the keys from your boyfriend. Your need to show her things, is just disguised control on your part. Using her desire to get out of her parents home as 'not your emergency' is, again, not really the issue at hand. Making her wait till Monday when she could easily pick the keys up from your boyfriend is extremely controlling.

I think, on some level, you sense that this is the case. You seem to want to do the right thing. So drop your issues with all of this and do as your parents asked, give her the keys. Think about if it was someone you did approve of, would you be jerking them around like this or would you say, "Sure, come by when you like my BF will be here to give you the key!" I'd bet you wouldn't be dragging their lifestyle or timing into it at all.

I think you are a bigger person, more than capable of doing the right thing, than your OP makes you seem.

[CrazyCatLady]

No, I wouldn't meet someone three hours after I got into bed. But I would meet them around the time I normally went to bed for a one-off situation, or half an hour before I went to bed if I was that exercised about missing half an hour of sleep one day out of my life. If neither of those worked, I would leave the key somewhere accessible to her along with a note about the stuff that she needs to know immediately and show her the rest next week.

Frankly, if I were so horrifically busy that spending half an hour showing someone around the house would make me miss all my time with my family for the day, I'd be glad to get rid of that extra 20-minute errand (5 to drive there, 5 to drive back, 10 do what needs doing there). If, of course, it were really my busyness and time that were the root issue here, which it clearly isn't.

[PunditLisa]

Your parents raised you and gave you the foundation to be self-sufficient. Be grateful. And now repay them by helping them out when they need you. If that means showing the ins and outs of their home for a housesitter, that's what it means.

This person has always been a good friend and she is trying to accomodate your schedule. Now stop with the pettiness and give her the key already.

[Zulema]

I think you're taking it a little tpp personally. Your parents probably thought you would like a break from taking care of their house. Did you ever mention in an offhand way that you're super busy? They could have taken that as a cue to do something different this year. They certainly don't know about all the complex feelings you have for your best friend, I'm sure they imagine you two having a good time hanging out and visiting in their house. Plus it is better to have someone living at your house if you're gone a long time. What if a water line breaks or something. Some things can't wait a couple of days until they're discovered.

Next time you're at the house leave the key in a hidden place or with the neighbors and write her a note about household quirks. If she can't figure something out she can call you.

[LurkerInNJ]

It comes across to me like you are trying to punish her in some way by not giving her the keys because you are either annoyed at or jealous of her lifestyle and choices, and miffed at your parents for asking her to housesit.

I'm really getting a dance monkey dance vibe from you regarding the key transfer. Can't you just write a note with what she needs to know and leave the note and the keys with your boyfriend and let her pick it up from him?

[Mona Lisa Simpson]

Wow, where to begin? (This is going to be long!)

I guess, with a thank you to everyone who replied.

First of all, I promised myself that I wouldn't be a typical poster and ask advice/opinion and then whine when I didn't like it. I got all prepared to post indignant "you don't understaaaaaand".

Instead, I read the responses when I woke up today and thought. And thought and thought.

What are my issues

#1. I like having the key to my parents house and my space. But they asked Linda to housesit, so ... ok. I am worried she is going to drive my parents car as they asked but with Toyota recalls I think I can head that one off at the pass. So...we don't always like stuff that others decide. Big deal.

#2. Im way overtired this week, plus have a bunch of extra meetings/stresses. My son's educational iand health ssues are currently very time consuming, I have probably spent 5 hours on meetings/phonecalls, assessments and appointments in the last week. After school the "precious family time" that was mentioned includes doing some physio and some remedial learning excercises. Thats not Linda's issues, but when I was not getting any sleep before 10 am and getting up at 3pm for 4 days in a row it was wearing on me. I wasn't sleeping, and simple tasks like planning suppers was making me cranky. Today I got to sleep a full 7 hours, and I can look at things objectively. I do think however that people just don't understand that when you work at night you still need sleep and don't have "all this extra free time to hang out"

3. The friendship has felt a little off-kilter lately. Since she doesn't drive her car in winter, and depends on a ride into town with her old fashioned parents that only go into town at most twice a week she was depending on me to either be available when her parents came into town or to go get her. I'm tired of having to be the one to get her places. I am also tired of having to host our get-togethers unless I want to go out to a restaurant, (and its always sushi, or indian food, or pricey organic cafe, never a sandwich shop or Tim Horton's for just a coffee) because she lives with her parents. She may not have the career or the income I do, but I also have more places to put every dollar than she does. Am I jealous she spends 10,000 or more yearly on travel? Yes, but I chose my life. (And I chose it, it pretty consiously 13 years ago, it didn't "just work out that way") In my more emotional moments I think "Linda you cant just up and leave half the year and then complain you don't have a house to come home to." (Which was her theme last fall...again, on examining my above posts more clearly I realized was some of the background) Does this make me petty? Maybe, but come on, I am human, I work hard and am trying to keep it together. Somedays thats tougher than others.

Anyway, once I distilled these separate issues, I picked up the phone and called her. Tomorrow after work, I will go have one last good sleep at Mom's (between having a 6 year old at home, my boyfriend's home business phone ringing off the hook, and general distraction the weekend is not great for sleep at home) and then her sister will drive her there at 4, and we will go over the stuff, have a coffee and then I will go home for supper) She also apologized for her misconception that I WASN'T taking care of my parents place... (I am not sure how this arose, but my Dad gets ideas into his head about things and tends to express himself poorly at times)

So, despite my initial negative reaction to most of the viewpoints, I again want to thank everyone. My boyfriend had urged me to post this, and "realize how you sound", and I guess I got it handed to me. Food for thought, and "one to grow on" Also time to be a better friend, or figure out if we have become too divergent.

[lorene]

Originally Posted by Mona Lisa Simpson

Anyway, once I distilled these separate issues, I picked up the phone and called her. Tomorrow after work, I will go have one last good sleep at Mom's (between having a 6 year old at home, my boyfriend's home business phone ringing off the hook, and general distraction the weekend is not great for sleep at home) and then her sister will drive her there at 4, and we will go over the stuff, have a coffee and then I will go home for supper) She also apologized for her misconception that I WASN'T taking care of my parents place... (I am not sure how this arose, but my Dad gets ideas into his head about things and tends to express himself poorly at times)

So, despite my initial negative reaction to most of the viewpoints, I again want to thank everyone. My boyfriend had urged me to post this, and "realize how you sound", and I guess I got it handed to me. Food for thought, and "one to grow on" Also time to be a better friend, or figure out if we have become too divergent.

That's some impressive work there. Good for you.

FWIW, I know sort of how you feel. Many years ago, I house/cat sat for 3 weeks while a coworker was away. A month after that, my mother was going to be traveling for 2 weeks and she asked a friend of my sister's to housesit. When she outlined what she had asked him to do, I said, "So....basically what I just spent 3 weeks doing for Ann?" and she said, "Yup, basically."

::shrug:: My back got up about it but, in the end, it was one less thing off my plate.

[Zoe]

Dropping by when I am asleep and getting the key from my boyfriend is still an option, but Id rather go and show her.

I'm wondering why this option wasn't given more consideration. It certainly would have been the easiest for you. Would it have meant releasing too much control?

I'm not being judgmental about your feelings. I can identify with them a little from my past.

[Mona Lisa Simpson]

Originally Posted by Zoe

I'm wondering why this option wasn't given more consideration. It certainly would have been the easiest for you. Would it have meant releasing too much control?

I'm not being judgmental about your feelings. I can identify with them a little from my past.

Wow, I go to this big self realization and post how I came to an epiphany and it still wasn't good enough for you? Had to take one more poke, did you? Mostly because of

I will have to go and show her the stuff, the tricky door, the water main, etc, etc,

and because she is high strung and gets flustered when things don't work perfectly. My parents did want me to show her these little things (they did want me to look after the house for the last two months before she came back, and ultimately I am still responsible as her instructions are to CALL ME FIRST if anything goes wrong) and since it is winter if the door isn't closed exactly there can be frost heave issues. It's more of a show don't tell kind of thing. I would have to show her that eventually, and sometimes an ounce of prevention... Also my parent's house is older, has some character things that are not necessarily standard (water main to half the house in an odd place.)

But sure, control issues. Yes, ok, I like to make sure that the person house sitting for my parents doesn't actually do damage to the house. Anyway time to get out of here, and go get some sleep.

[sandra_nz]

Good for you. Feedback like you received in this thread is not easy to take, but you've been mature enough to listen to it and consider it. To admit you might have been having the wrong reaction in the first instance shows your maturity and willingness to grow. Kudos.

[CTburns]

Mona, Kudos for being able to look at the situation objectively and allowing the Dopers to give feedback and advice. Rich

[Mona Lisa Simpson]

Just out of curiosity, what do you think I should have told my parents about things that I know about or Linda has told me in confidence?

That she went off her psych meds three years ago because she thinks they are toxic and poisoning her? (and goes for some kind of detox foot bath thing regularly to detoxify her) That she doesn't drive in winter because she wrote off a vehicle she flipped (sometime around the time she first went off meds, I have never nailed down the time line if she was on or off them), and for a year after that she did not drive at all? That last year when the printer at the office (she was temping for my boyfriend as a receptionist for 6 weeks) jammed and she could not get it to work she had an anxiety attack and had to leave work (getting a ride home from me) for the afternoon because of hyperventilating. Is this their business or not? I didn't tell them because they know and like her, but understand why I had some odd feelings about letting her have the keys and just doing her thing.

I went through my own process, she is coming over this afternoon. (I need more sleep... ...)but this was part of why I wasn't going to just toss her the keys. I asked, I took advice, but I am curious, what should I have disclosed if anything to them. In general my friends confidences are no one elses business, unless they are a danger to themselves or others. (Or minor children are involved) And for the printer jam issue, I know this about her as an employer, I certainly can't go around telling people this, but it doesn't make me confident about just handing off the keys.

[sandra_nz]

Originally Posted by Mona Lisa Simpson

Just out of curiosity, what do you think I should have told my parents about things that I know about or Linda has told me in confidence?

No. Linda is house-sitting, she's not performing open-heart surgery on one of your parents. Keep perspective here - how much of that is really going to reflect on her ability to house-sit?

[Incubus]

From what you described, she seems like a real piece of work. Too high strung to drive in winter? Panic attack that the printer doesn't work? Lives with her parents/single at 40?

Does she have any other friends? I kind of wonder if this person latched on to you early on in some point and you're just used to her mannerisms.

[Shakes]

I don't get why you can't still drop by the house for me time. Is it a one bedroom house?

[sugar and spice]

Originally Posted by Mona Lisa Simpson

Just out of curiosity, what do you think I should have told my parents about things that I know about or Linda has told me in confidence?

<snip>

You could have said something to your parents to the effect of "There's a lot that I know about Linda that you don't. For reasons I can't really share with you, I think this is a very bad idea. I want the best for you and your house, plus if something goes wrong while you're away then I'm the one who will have to deal with it. Please just trust that I know what I'm talking about here."

Of course maybe you did say that, but if so then you have an issue with your parents, who expect you to help with their house but don't trust your judgement, and put you in a situation where you may have to deal with someone else's mess. But that's different from the problems you have with your friend, which are real problems -- despite what you've said about her I don't think you can fault her for accepting a house-sitting offer that was offered fairly. And dragging your feet on the keys doesn't get you any closer to finding a way to deal with the other stuff that you've mentioned here.

[Mona Lisa Simpson]

Originally Posted by sugar and spice

Of course maybe you did say that, but if so then you have an issue with your parents, who expect you to help with their house but don't trust your judgement, and put you in a situation where you may have to deal with someone else's mess.

Wow, way to project. I said nothing because it is only house sitting, and before she went on her three month trip she seemed on an even keel. Also I am used to the tricky door, the weird water main, the rituals my parents have about the light and dark cycles for their plants they are trying to "force" and so on. Every house has their quirks. It was only later I thought about the printer episode last year which, to be fair, was the only anxiety attack I have seen from her in 10 years) and when my boyfriend tried and failed to lock the back door that I figured, oh wow I need to orientate her.

Or whatever, its a control issue, and I hate my parents and I want my friend to live a loney life in the country and I'm full of hate. I worked through my issues objectively after listening to the majority of responders. I just wondered what you would mention if you were in my situation. But you know, keep poking.

[sugar and spice]

Originally Posted by Mona Lisa Simpson

Wow, way to project. I said nothing because it is only house sitting,

huh?? I used the word "maybe". that's what I would have said to my parents, if they ignored me then I would feel that I have a problem with them. I was just trying to answer the question that you asked.

[Magiver]

Originally Posted by Mona Lisa Simpson

Just out of curiosity, what do you think I should have told my parents about things that I know about or Linda has told me in confidence?

That she went off her psych meds three years ago because she thinks they are toxic and poisoning her? (and goes for some kind of detox foot bath thing regularly to detoxify her) That she doesn't drive in winter because she wrote off a vehicle she flipped (sometime around the time she first went off meds, I have never nailed down the time line if she was on or off them), and for a year after that she did not drive at all? That last year when the printer at the office (she was temping for my boyfriend as a receptionist for 6 weeks) jammed and she could not get it to work she had an anxiety attack and had to leave work (getting a ride home from me) for the afternoon because of hyperventilating. Is this their business or not? I didn't tell them because they know and like her, but understand why I had some odd feelings about letting her have the keys and just doing her thing.

I went through my own process, she is coming over this afternoon. (I need more sleep... ...)but this was part of why I wasn't going to just toss her the keys. I asked, I took advice, but I am curious, what should I have disclosed if anything to them. In general my friends confidences are no one elses business, unless they are a danger to themselves or others. (Or minor children are involved) And for the printer jam issue, I know this about her as an employer, I certainly can't go around telling people this, but it doesn't make me confident about just handing off the keys.

You are responsible to your parents and should have told them of her mental issues. This is not someone I would want driving my car.

That ship has sailed. I'm assuming your parents are not home otherwise I would let them train her. All you can do now is make a set of keys for her and let the chips fall where they may. Tape your phone numbers to the fridge and train her as best you can.

[elbows]

Certainly the information you have now added to the mix does colour things a little differently. But I think it's telling, that your first post, was all about her lifestyle and your need for control over things. Your second post, about her faults, while surely illustrating valid reasons for giving you pause, comes off as excuses for your wanting control. I'm not saying that's how it is, just that's how it sounds.

It also seemed to imply some resentment that they've taken her on to do this, either because you're not doing it well enough, (and you're a little miffed at the implication), or because it gives her a benefit that you don't feel she deserves, (and you do sound very disapproving of someone else's lifestyle choices, which could, indeed, be either envy or disdain).

Either way, your parents are adults and free to make their own choices, and errors. If your 'reasons' for having reservations were valid, and not just excuses for your controlling behaviour, I should think you'd have brought them up to your parents, in some discreet fashion, much earlier. That you didn't feel the need then, makes it appear that you're just trying to excuse your need to control this situation.

I'm not saying that's how it is, just that's how it seems from your posts. Good on you for even taking in the advice, and considering the opinions, of those of us who have offered it. We are all, I assure you, very aware that you know much more about this and all the players than we ever can.

[Mona Lisa Simpson]

Also my dad gets these "ideas". Like when I was 18 and going away to university he had to go to Duluth to get me a footlocker trunk, because he decided I needed one. I didn't particularly need or want one (although I later appreciated the trunk a lot as a coffee table in several college apartments) but a friend of his special ordered his daughter a trunk, and dad had to do the same thing. Last year it was buying a car in Winnipeg, because friends of his did the same thing, rather than do a price match with a local dealership (we are an 8 hour drive from Winnipeg and the savings were minimal and he had the exta paperwork of registering a car in Ontario.) Last summer their friends were talking about getting a house sitter because their son moved away and this person will live and pay rent in their place for the six months they are gone. My parents are away three months and Linda will only be staying 5 weeks. Dad has this weird "keeping up with the Joneses" thing, but not so much in material goods as in having this interesting story to tell. (And we could not find a footlocker for Mona at all in this city, we had to make a trip to the States to get one.... yada yada...I couldn't get all the features I wanted on my Escape locally but you should see the deal I got yada yada... )

So, yeah, this house sitting thing is one of his fads, and I know he thinks he's doing a nice thing. Mom is used to this, and I should be, but I had no idea my friend Linda was going to be his next story.

[Mona Lisa Simpson]

For the record I am not disapproving of her lifestyle. Good on her for travelling, but most people don't get it both ways. They work, and have repsonsibilities, and enjoy having their house that they pay for, and have vacations as an extra, once their bills are paid. Or they travel, and don't have the bills and responsibilities. They don't spend their income travelling and then moan about having no house of their own.

Or at least the people I know feel that way.

Anyway issue dead, Linda will be here soon, and I won't have to worry about this house for five weeks.

[MPB in Salt Lake]

Originally Posted by Mona Lisa Simpson

For the record I am not disapproving of her lifestyle. Good on her for travelling, but most people don't get it both ways. They work, and have repsonsibilities, and enjoy having their house that they pay for, and have vacations as an extra, once their bills are paid. Or they travel, and don't have the bills and responsibilities. They don't spend their income travelling and then moan about having no house of their own.

I wasn't going to post, and I was pretty much with you until now, but this last bit here makes it quite clear to me that you are (on some level) jealous or resentful of your friend's lifestyle.

[Ermes Marana]

Originally Posted by MPB in Salt Lake

I wasn't going to post, and I was pretty much with you until now, but this last bit here makes it quite clear to me that you are (on some level) jealous or resentful of your friend's lifestyle.

There really isn't anything wrong with that though. On some level I am jealous of people who have traveled a lot more than me and seen more of the world.

Why wouldn't you be a little jealous about that?

The problem comes in when the friend gets back from her travels and spends so much time whining and complaining. That is annoying.

Similarly, the friend would have a right to be annoyed if the OP spent all her time whining and complaining about not getting to travel enough.

[FallenAngel]

I understand why you're upset and this intrusion into a pleasant part of your routine, but neither your friend nor your parents have done anything wrong and you shouldn't feel resentful. Give her the keys, don't make excuses to put off showing her how things work and let it go.

[Mona Lisa Simpson]

I handed over the keys last Saturday. I got a lecture about not taking very good care of myself (Wow, you have really dark circles under your eyes! )and working too much. "You're probably right, I do work a lot. I didn't explain, she knows my circumstances. I showed her the things my parents specifically asked me to show her, and things that are unique to their house that my parents take for granted. (Live in a house for 30 years, and you forget not every house is not like yours)

Today I got a call about the dishwasher not working. Seems she hadn't realized that it is a portable dishwasher and she needed to hook it up to the sink taps. No harm done, and we had a laugh about it, but all the same I am glad I showed her the water mains and things.

I did a lot of thinking about this, I had talked to my boyfriend who urged me to "post my complaint at that message board you are always reading." I was determined to take the advice to heart. I find it puzzling and somewhat calculating when people seek advice and then argue against it. Again I thank dopers for their input.

In response to Incubus's comment, yes there is a bit to what you say. Am I concerned that she has become dependant on me? Maybe but I've known her for 25 years, and I know the good, kind, intellegent parts of her. I also know that there is kind of a blank side of that coin that shows up at times. I am hoping we have the"on" Linda and not the "blank" one for the next few weeks.

[Girl From Mars]

Originally Posted by Mona Lisa Simpson

Am I concerned that she has become dependant on me? Maybe but I've known her for 25 years, and I know the good, kind, intellegent parts of her. I also know that there is kind of a blank side of that coin that shows up at times. I am hoping we have the"on" Linda and not the "blank" one for the next few weeks.

You keep saying things round this theme - that she's not self-sufficient and capable. But Linda apparently chucks it all in and travels the world for 6 months at a time by herself to no ill effect. I've done that myself a few times, and I think you underestimate the level of resoucefuness that that requires. Maybe she relaxes when she's back in familiar surroundings, but it would be nice if you gave her credit for the courage and self-sufficiency she does have.

[kittenblue]

What is this big issue with the water mains, if I may ask? I've lived in my house for over 52 years and am not quite certain where the water mains are, exactly, as I've never had to do anything with them. Are water mains a constant maintenance issue in your corner of the world?

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by kittenblue

What is this big issue with the water mains, if I may ask?

Ooh ooh ooh...let me guess. Dad had a friend whose house burst a pipe, while they were away and the friend's daughter didn't know where the water main was...so Dad has constantly reinforced to Mona Lisa where the water main is in case a pipe bursts.