I pit my insane/incredibly stupid employee

fisha · #1 12-31-2011, 04:49 PM

I own my own company. I have employees. I have had numerous stories of insanity through the years. The state trooper calling me after arresting my guy in a case of mistaken identity. The coffee shop worried that someone is dead in a company vehicle. Fishing on the job. Wandering lost in the wilds of SD. The non stop crying employee.

I've never felt compelled to Pit any of them until today.

But...you stupid bitch, 4 months ago you left your husband and kids for a married unemployed man-whore that beats you and can't stand your kids. He set fire to your pants and one of each of your pairs of shoes when you left him to go back to your husband. He threatened to kill himself. You violently fought with him over the chicken coop. You've entirely supported his ignorant unemployed worthless broke ass for the last 4 months.

He's a whiny, overgrown, emotionally stunted child that you know for a fact has fucked other women besides his wife/ex-wife since he's been with you (His texting you while he's fucking another someone else might be considered a reliable hint.)

He not only blatantly propositioned me, (his boss! [before I fired him,]) but told my 13 year old son how sexy he thinks I am. You know all this. Yet you still kept on keeping on.

And the day after your divorce is final from your long suffering husband who gave you way more chances than you ever deserved, you run off to another state to MARRY this douchebag?

Un-fucking-beleivable.

You are a great friend and have been a great employee for the last 5 years, but if you are so insane to think this is a good idea, how the fuck am I supposed to trust you to help run the company?*

*Clue-I can't.

Really Not All That Bright · #2 12-31-2011, 05:06 PM

Well, I didn't see that coming.

LavenderBlue · #3 12-31-2011, 05:13 PM

I know a person like that. The only thing you can do is smile and think of ways to avoid the idiot significant other. I hope the nitwit's at least very hot.

fisha · #4 12-31-2011, 05:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LavenderBlue

I know a person like that. The only thing you can do is smile and think of ways to avoid the idiot significant other. I hope the nitwit's at least very hot.

Douchebag™ wasn't invited to the Christmas party, and he's not invited to the company vacation, either. I can't really stop him from going on the cruise ship, but seeing that he hasn't been gainfully employed since I fired him 3.5 months ago, I'm not too worried.

Yes, he's hot. Dumb, mean, whiny and a lousy carpenter, but he is good looking.

Really Not All That Bright · #5 12-31-2011, 05:19 PM

Well, apparently he's hot enough to set fire to her pants.

Chimera · #6 12-31-2011, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Really Not All That Bright

Well, apparently he's hot enough to set fire to her pants.

Or he's calling her a liar.

Vinyl Turnip · #7 12-31-2011, 06:19 PM

"You violently fought with him over the chicken coop" may be the funniest thing I've read all year.

fisha · #8 12-31-2011, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vinyl Turnip

"You violently fought with him over the chicken coop" may be the funniest thing I've read all year.

Picture a 4'11" woman weighing in at approximately 95# trying to wrest a chicken coop from a 6'2" well built 210# guy amid 25+ chickens in a state of panic at their feet. Then the slapping begins.

Seriously, I can't make this shit up.

Broomstick · #9 12-31-2011, 07:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

Picture a 4'11" woman weighing in at approximately 95# trying to wrest a chicken coop from a 6'2" well built 210# guy amid 25+ chickens in a state of panic at their feet. Then the slapping begins.

Seriously, I can't make this shit up.

OH. My. God.

My spouse came in and demanded to know why I was laughing so hard. Then the three parrots wanted to come in the room to find out what was sooooo exciting! Because, you see, I own birds and thus have a pretty good idea what all that would look like...

No, you can't make this shit up. Reality is just too weird to be fiction.

Patch · #10 01-05-2012, 08:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

Picture a 4'11" woman weighing in at approximately 95# trying to wrest a chicken coop from a 6'2" well built 210# guy amid 25+ chickens in a state of panic at their feet. Then the slapping begins.

Seriously, I can't make this shit up.

I thought "fighting over the chicken coop" was a metaphor for a fight over the house...

Stelios · #11 12-31-2011, 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fisha

You violently fought with him over the chicken coop

I'm sorry, but that's quite possibly the most hilariously white trash thing I've ever read.

RaftPeople · #12 12-31-2011, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vinyl Turnip

"You violently fought with him over the chicken coop" may be the funniest thing I've read all year.

I was thinking the same thing. Any story that involves a chicken coop is at the top of my list.

Cicero · #13 12-31-2011, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vinyl Turnip

"You violently fought with him over the chicken coop" may be the funniest thing I've read all year.

Well, it's sure the funniest thing I've read this year.

Vinyl Turnip · #14 12-31-2011, 09:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cicero

Well, it's sure the funniest thing I've read this year.

You Australians and your time machines...

FE3O4ENAIL · #15 01-01-2012, 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vinyl Turnip

"You violently fought with him over the chicken coop" may be the funniest thing I've read all year.

If it had four doors, it would have been a sedan.

Cartooniverse · #16 01-03-2012, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vinyl Turnip

"You violently fought with him over the chicken coop" may be the funniest thing I've read all year.

See, I mis-read it and thought it read, "You valiantly fought with him over the chicken coop".

Which gave me a chuckle or two.

Mister Owl · #17 12-31-2011, 06:01 PM

Erm...shouldn't the tread title read "Ex-employee..?" We all know you can find a reason.

Changed to "perhaps not all." See below*

Simplicio · #18 12-31-2011, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mister Owl

Erm...shouldn't the tread title read "Ex-employee..?" We all know you can find a reason.

You think she should fire her "great employee" for having a messy personal life? I mean, its annoying to watch people make bad choices, but as long as she has her shit together at work, kicking her to the curb seems unnecessarily cruel.

Belowjob2.0 · #19 12-31-2011, 07:37 PM

Quote:

Yes, he's hot. Dumb, mean, whiny and a lousy carpenter, but he is good looking.

I'm shocked, shocked, that she left a decent responsible man to take up with a good looking, self-centered, abusive parasite.

Mister Owl · #20 12-31-2011, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simplicio

You think she should fire her "great employee" for having a messy personal life? I mean, its annoying to watch people make bad choices, but as long as she has her shit together at work, kicking her to the curb seems unnecessarily cruel.

It doesn't sound to me that personal and business are exactly separated. If an employee's personal life is causing an employer enough grief that they have to express outrage (even albeit of a minor sort) then perhaps the relationship should be reconsidered.

digs · #21 12-31-2011, 06:49 PM

You have a company vacation? Can I apply? I already know your standards aren't that high... :-}

fisha · #22 12-31-2011, 07:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by digs

You have a company vacation? Can I apply? I already know your standards aren't that high... :-}

Are you hot?

SeaCanary · #23 12-31-2011, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

Quote:

Originally Posted by digs

You have a company vacation? Can I apply? I already know your standards aren't that high... :-}

Are you hot?

I'm not particularly hot, but I come with great references.

fisha · #24 12-31-2011, 07:37 PM

Annnnnd it is now Facebook official, folks.

What do you think I should get her as a wedding present? Shoes? Pants? More chickens?

MagicEyes · #25 12-31-2011, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

Annnnnd it is now Facebook official, folks.

What do you think I should get her as a wedding present? Shoes? Pants? More chickens?

It's got to be his and hers chicken coops! And a few chickens to fill them with, because it would be the most awesome wedding reception with chickens pecking the crumbs dropped from the head table. They could even have a chicken for a ring bearer.

Broomstick · #26 12-31-2011, 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

Annnnnd it is now Facebook official, folks.

What do you think I should get her as a wedding present? Shoes? Pants? More chickens?

The spouse suggested a weasel. I think he just wants to add more excitement and noise to the chicken coop slap-fest.

kenetic · #27 12-31-2011, 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

Annnnnd it is now Facebook official, folks.

What do you think I should get her as a wedding present? Shoes? Pants? More chickens?

Birth control?

SeaCanary · #28 12-31-2011, 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Broomstick

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

Annnnnd it is now Facebook official, folks.

What do you think I should get her as a wedding present? Shoes? Pants? More chickens?

The spouse suggested a weasel. I think he just wants to add more excitement and noise to the chicken coop slap-fest.

+2

Quote:

Originally Posted by kenetic

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

Annnnnd it is now Facebook official, folks.

What do you think I should get her as a wedding present? Shoes? Pants? More chickens?

Birth control?

<THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE>BRAVO!!!</THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE>

Take a bow both of you!!

Dendarii Dame · #29 01-03-2012, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

Annnnnd it is now Facebook official, folks.

What do you think I should get her as a wedding present? Shoes? Pants? More chickens?

A bucket of water seems appropriate.

cosmosdan · #30 02-09-2012, 04:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

Annnnnd it is now Facebook official, folks.

What do you think I should get her as a wedding present? Shoes? Pants? More chickens?

His and her coops

Chimera · #31 12-31-2011, 08:27 PM

[Foghorn Leghorn]

But I say, but I say...Son, that is my HOME!

[/fl]

Chimera · #32 12-31-2011, 08:43 PM

That's not cool at all. People's decisions in love and personal life are no fucking business of The Business and firing people for such things is not cool. I'd hate to have to defend that kind of decision in a wrongful termination suit.

Mister Owl · #33 12-31-2011, 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chimera

That's not cool at all. People's decisions in love and personal life are no fucking business of The Business and firing people for such things is not cool. I'd hate to have to defend that kind of decision in a wrongful termination suit.

Even if an employee's personal life is influencing their business life? Truly?

Chimera · #34 12-31-2011, 08:53 PM

There's a thing called Progressive Discipline. You use it to attempt to correct an employee's behavior. It is also useful on the back end to show that you have given your employee every attempt to get back on track before you terminated their employment.

fisha · #35 12-31-2011, 08:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chimera

That's not cool at all. People's decisions in love and personal life are no fucking business of The Business and firing people for such things is not cool. I'd hate to have to defend that kind of decision in a wrongful termination suit.

So, how you feel about me firing Douchebag™ for-quote-"Fucking my married production manager," end quote. Because that's exactly what I did.

How about if you found out later* they had screwed in your driveway at your house?

*found out today, as a matter of fact. Along with her lying to a bank that Douchebag™ was still employed by me so he could get a loan. Yes, this just keeps on getting better and better.

Simplicio · #36 12-31-2011, 08:59 PM

You fired an employee for infidelity?

I think thats kind of crummy. If they're having problems at work, then fire them for those. But I hardly think its professional to let someone go for relationship issues they're having on their own time.

Honestly, it sounds like your way too caught up in the personal lives of your employees.

Mister Owl · #37 12-31-2011, 09:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simplicio

Honestly, it sounds like your way too caught up in the personal lives of your employees.

It sounds to me like you are saying I was less than incorrect in my initial post.

fisha · #38 12-31-2011, 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simplicio

You fired an employee for infidelity?

I think thats kind of crummy. If they're having problems at work, then fire them for those. But I hardly think its professional to let someone go for relationship issues they're having on their own time.

Honestly, it sounds like your way too caught up in the personal lives of your employees.

I fired an employee for being disruptive, destructive, for propositioning me, for screwing my production manager, for showing naked pictures of my production manager to other employees, and for being a lousy carpenter. He brought HIS shit into MY company. I took care of it.

Believe it or not, I can fire anyone for anything. I could've fired him for wearing a green shirt if I wanted to.

This shit was dumped on my doorstep-I didn't ask for any of it, nor did I encourage it in any way, shape or form. My obligation is to the company and all of my other employees.

Simplicio · #39 12-31-2011, 09:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

I fired an employee for being disruptive, destructive, for propositioning me, for screwing my production manager, for showing naked pictures of my production manager to other employees, and for being a lousy carpenter. He brought HIS shit into MY company. I took care of it.

Certainly being disruptive and being lousy at his job is a decent reason for firing him. I was responding to your saying earlier that you fired him for "fucking my married production manager". Your employees sex lives aren't your business, and shouldn't in themselves be grounds for termination.

Quote:

Believe it or not, I can fire anyone for anything. I could've fired him for wearing a green shirt if I wanted to.

We need a term for when people tell others that they shouldn't do something, and the person responds by stressing that they aren't legally barred from doing that thing. I never questioned your ability to fire him, just the professionalism of doing so.

Belowjob2.0 · #40 01-01-2012, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

I fired an employee for being disruptive, destructive, for propositioning me, for screwing my production manager, for showing naked pictures of my production manager to other employees, and for being a lousy carpenter. He brought HIS shit into MY company. I took care of it.

Believe it or not, I can fire anyone for anything. I could've fired him for wearing a green shirt if I wanted to.

This shit was dumped on my doorstep-I didn't ask for any of it, nor did I encourage it in any way, shape or form. My obligation is to the company and all of my other employees.

I fired an employee for being disruptive, destructive, for propositioning me, for screwing my production manager, for showing naked pictures of my production manager to other employees, and for being a lousy carpenter.

... and for the briefest of moments, you actually considered his offer. This instantly made you hate yourself, and hate him all the more.

Many women find the Dark Triad, when combined with good looks and superficial charm, nearly irresistable.

He really is like a weasel trying to get into a chicken coop. He sticks his nose in with you. Doesn't work. He tries with her. Bingo!

ugly ripe tomato · #41 01-01-2012, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

I fired an employee for being disruptive, destructive, for propositioning me, for screwing my production manager, for showing naked pictures of my production manager to other employees, and for being a lousy carpenter. He brought HIS shit into MY company. I took care of it.

In other words, Douchebag(TM)'s chickens came home to roost.

Latro · #42 01-04-2012, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

This shit was dumped on my doorstep-I didn't ask for any of it, nor did I encourage it in any way, shape or form.

So, he asked innocently, This all started when you hired a carpenter for his good looks instead of looking at his credentials?

Eve · #43 12-31-2011, 09:01 PM

Quote:

Picture a 4'11" woman weighing in at approximately 95# trying to wrest a chicken coop from a 6'2" well built 210# guy amid 25+ chickens in a state of panic at their feet. Then the slapping begins.

The real story behind Katy Perry and Russell Brand's split.

Encinitas · #44 01-01-2012, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eve

The real story behind Katy Perry and Russell Brand's split.

Once again Eve nails it.

Chimera · #45 12-31-2011, 09:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

So, how you feel about me firing Douchebag™ for-quote-"Fucking my married production manager," end quote. Because that's exactly what I did.

How about if you found out later* they had screwed in your driveway at your house?

*found out today, as a matter of fact. Along with her lying to a bank that Douchebag™ was still employed by me so he could get a loan. Yes, this just keeps on getting better and better.

Ok, I withdraw any reservations or questions about termination at that point.

Feel free to contact Skald about some kind of bee-shooting mutant animal robot, or let me know exactly what kind of black magic you want performed.

Cheesesteak · #46 01-01-2012, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fisha

So, how you feel about me firing Douchebag™ for-quote-"Fucking my married production manager," end quote. Because that's exactly what I did.

How about if you found out later* they had screwed in your driveway at your house?

*found out today, as a matter of fact. Along with her lying to a bank that Douchebag™ was still employed by me so he could get a loan. Yes, this just keeps on getting better and better.

Not to question your right to fire anyone for any reason, but I hope Production Manager got a healthy talking to about being disruptive. She screwed someone working for her, that's really not cool.

Now she's lied to a bank regarding your company employing someone, committed fraud to get a loan, and I presume she is still employed.

Frankly, I'd double check whatever she's been into, because she sure sounds like the type of person who'd figure a way to steal from your company to support her man.