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Old 09-19-2009, 12:05 AM
DooWahDiddy DooWahDiddy is online now
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My sister was killed in a car accident

and I want her back.

I want to stop replaying the sound of my mother crying over the phone, saying "Your sister's been in an accident, and she's gone." I want to stop thinking about how I immediately bought a plane ticket home and hugged my mother in the rain in front of her house. About the conversation with the funeral director about whether or not she would be viewable because of the extensive damages. About reading some of her writing at her funeral and praying I could just make it to the next word.

She was 28. She was always a wild child, and had a history of drinking and driving. Her license had been suspended for a DUI, and she had no insurance. She was going to AA and had only one class left before she got her license back. We were all pulling for her and it looked as if her life was turning around.

But somehow at 9:50 last Wednesday night, 9/9/09--a week after I got laid off from work and two days before the nation planned to mourn an awful anniversary--she entered the Turnpike going the wrong way. We don't know how or why, but she drove for six miles before slamming head-first into a huge pickup truck at 90 mph. That driver was okay, but my sister was killed instantly.

We did end up getting to see her. The funeral home did an amazing job, although her condition worsened over the next few days. By the day of the funeral, Monday, her bruises had darkened and the gash on her forehead was more defined. I tried to comfort both my parents as well as my stepdad the best I could, but I also needed comfort. I wanted to start over; I wanted to be best friends and never fight; I wanted to agree on everything and share secrets with each other.

It was never that kind of thing. But as I said at her funeral, I was so proud of her. She was my baby sister, and I loved her very much. And I want her back.
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  #2  
Old 09-19-2009, 12:12 AM
Spacegirl Spacegirl is offline
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I'm so so very sorry for your loss DooWahDiddy.
  #3  
Old 09-19-2009, 12:39 AM
norinew norinew is offline
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I'm so sorry for your loss!
  #4  
Old 09-19-2009, 12:45 AM
Oakminster Oakminster is offline
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Condolences to you and your family.
  #5  
Old 09-19-2009, 01:26 AM
Cisco Cisco is offline
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That is terrible. Just reading the title put a knot in my stomach because I've had a weird feeling for years that my little sister will die an untimely death, even though there is no rational reason for it. I am really sorry for what happened. Being out of work might be a blessing in disguise right now.
  #6  
Old 09-19-2009, 01:31 AM
Sleeps With Butterflies Sleeps With Butterflies is offline
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Oh I am so very sorry. This is heartbreaking and I can't imagine the agony you are in. My condolences to you and your family.
  #7  
Old 09-19-2009, 01:41 AM
Green Cymbeline Green Cymbeline is offline
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Rest in peace DooWahDiddy's sister, and my condolences to you and your parents.
  #8  
Old 09-19-2009, 01:57 AM
nicole1912 nicole1912 is offline
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I'm so, so sorry DooWahDiddy - I hope you find someone to support you, too, as you're supporting the rest of your family. My thoughts are with you all.
  #9  
Old 09-19-2009, 01:59 AM
Hippy Hollow Hippy Hollow is offline
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My sincerest condolences to you, DooWahDiddy.
  #10  
Old 09-19-2009, 03:44 AM
Mosier Mosier is offline
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That story is amazing and awful. I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
  #11  
Old 09-19-2009, 05:02 AM
gardentraveler gardentraveler is offline
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I'm so sorry to read this. Condolences to you and your family.
  #12  
Old 09-19-2009, 05:12 AM
Lacunae Matata Lacunae Matata is offline
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I am so sorry. Sisters can be amazing and irreplaceable, and I'm afraid you will always feel the loss. Fortunately, time brings some acceptance of circumstances you can't change; and once you get past the denial, anger, and survivor's guilt, it becomes a little easier to live without a sibling. (Eleven years after the loss of my own sister, though, I can only compare it to phantom limb pain. It doesn't really become a lot less painful, but you learn to accept that this is a circumstance of your life.)

If I can offer any advice at all (which you didn't ask for, and which is worth exactly what you've paid me for,) celebrate the lovely young woman that you had the privilege of knowing for 28 years, appreciate the improvements she was working hard to make in her life, and forgive yourself for not anticipating or preventing your sister's final goodbye. While you're at it, forgive her, please, for the circumstances under which she left you and your family. That's a really hard step, but an essential one. You don't know and never will know exactly what led her to her final unwise decision. But if you've known and trusted her for the better part of three decades, you probably know that she made a single unwise decision in extremis. She very likely didn't set out to hurt herself or anyone else, including your family. It's far more likely that she just had a moment of poor judgment for which she paid dearly...

None of this is easy, but all is essential. Despite her troubles, I'm sure you know that your sister loved you. Live your life knowing how fortunate you were to have known such a wonderful person, not feeling guilty because you were only able to share 28 years with her.

Last edited by Lacunae Matata; 09-19-2009 at 05:13 AM.
  #13  
Old 09-19-2009, 05:20 AM
Snowboarder Bo Snowboarder Bo is offline
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I'm very sorry to hear this, DooWahDiddy. My condolences.
  #14  
Old 09-19-2009, 06:34 AM
janis_and_c0 janis_and_c0 is offline
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Very Sorry for the loss of your sister. Prayers and comfort to you. *HUGS*
  #15  
Old 09-19-2009, 06:58 AM
Eliahna Eliahna is offline
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I'm so sorry DooWahDiddy. I haven't been in your situation and hope I never will be... the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach just reading your post was more than enough for me. How fortunate your sister was to have people who cared as deeply about her as you clearly do.
  #16  
Old 09-19-2009, 07:05 AM
freckafree freckafree is offline
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DooWahDiddy, words fail me -- to have lost someone so young and whose life was on the upswing. Having lost a sister and a brother, my heart aches for you and your family. My sincerest condolences to all of you.
  #17  
Old 09-19-2009, 07:09 AM
BiblioCat BiblioCat is offline
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I'm so sorry, DooWahDiddy.
  #18  
Old 09-19-2009, 07:17 AM
Le Ministre de l'au-delà Le Ministre de l'au-delà is offline
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I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know you didn't ask for advice, so ignore this if you like. It's really important to share the stories about your sister, and it becomes more important as time goes on. That's how we keep the memory of someone fresh, yet I find our society isn't very comfortable with that notion.

So when you feel up to it, I'd encourage you to post something about your sister. It'll help, really it will.

Wishing you and your family courage and the comfort of friends in your dark times.
  #19  
Old 09-19-2009, 07:33 AM
Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor is offline
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Keep posting DooWahDiddy.

We're all listening.
  #20  
Old 09-19-2009, 07:42 AM
Dusty Rose Dusty Rose is offline
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My deepest condolences, DooWahDiddy. I wish I had the words to make everything better for you and your family, but I don't. Please know that we're here for you.
  #21  
Old 09-19-2009, 07:52 AM
twickster twickster is offline
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
  #22  
Old 09-19-2009, 07:54 AM
elbows elbows is offline
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I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

She sounds very awesome, your love for her is clear in your tender words. I lost an older brother not long ago, so I know how it aches, you will be in my thoughts in the coming days.

I also would like to hear a little more about this remarkable person, if you're feeling up to it.
  #23  
Old 09-19-2009, 08:09 AM
Mahaloth Mahaloth is offline
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Sorry to hear about this.

Tell us more about her, if you feel so inclined.
  #24  
Old 09-19-2009, 08:15 AM
PapSett PapSett is offline
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I am so sorry. There really isn't much more I can say. It's a tragedy no one should ever have to go thru. My sincere sympathy to you and your family.
  #25  
Old 09-19-2009, 08:39 AM
lavenderviolet lavenderviolet is offline
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Quote:
If I can offer any advice at all (which you didn't ask for, and which is worth exactly what you've paid me for,) celebrate the lovely young woman that you had the privilege of knowing for 28 years, appreciate the improvements she was working hard to make in her life, and forgive yourself for not anticipating or preventing your sister's final goodbye. While you're at it, forgive her, please, for the circumstances under which she left you and your family. That's a really hard step, but an essential one. You don't know and never will know exactly what led her to her final unwise decision. But if you've known and trusted her for the better part of three decades, you probably know that she made a single unwise decision in extremis. She very likely didn't set out to hurt herself or anyone else, including your family. It's far more likely that she just had a moment of poor judgment for which she paid dearly...

None of this is easy, but all is essential. Despite her troubles, I'm sure you know that your sister loved you. Live your life knowing how fortunate you were to have known such a wonderful person, not feeling guilty because you were only able to share 28 years with her.
This post said what I wanted to express much more nicely than I could have. I am very sorry for your loss.
  #26  
Old 09-19-2009, 08:51 AM
ivylass ivylass is offline
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I am so sorry for your loss.
  #27  
Old 09-19-2009, 08:57 AM
Khadaji Khadaji is offline
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I am sorry to hear of your loss. May whatever gods there be, be with you and your family during this difficult time.

Sending supporting thoughts your way.
  #28  
Old 09-19-2009, 09:05 AM
bup bup is offline
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I'm so sorry.
  #29  
Old 09-19-2009, 09:21 AM
Ruby Ruby is offline
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Such a tragedy at such a young age.
  #30  
Old 09-19-2009, 09:38 AM
Lust4Life Lust4Life is offline
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I'm sorry mate,this is so hard for you,you are not alone you are in all of our thoughts and prayers.

Last edited by Lust4Life; 09-19-2009 at 09:39 AM.
  #31  
Old 09-19-2009, 09:44 AM
Taters Taters is offline
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
  #32  
Old 09-19-2009, 10:55 AM
DooWahDiddy DooWahDiddy is online now
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Wow, I honestly wasn't expecting this many responses, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the condolences, truly. Dopers are awesome.

Lacunae Matata, that "phantom limb pain" description is right on the money... I feel this more in my stomach than in my heart, like a part of me has been ripped away. Thanks also for the kind and wise advice.

A few of you asked to hear more about her. Well... where to start... She was beautiful and feisty, a dangerous combination for boys to handle. She drew and painted and adored children and animals. She wavered between being a nanny and wanting to be a vet. She suffered from low self-esteem though, which means her choice in friends and boyfriends wasn't always the best, and pushed her to drink more than she should have. But as much as we argued, I always admired her conviction, her ability to choose a side and take a stand for what she believed in, and her perseverance through life’s setbacks.

The days after the funeral have been spent struggling to piece together her final hours. Phone records indicate she was having a 3-hour texting conversation with someone right up until the accident, so we can only assume she was texting while driving. We're still waiting for the toxicology reports to see if alcohol played any part at all. The trooper on the scene claims that he was trying to pull her over for speeding and she fled off, leading us to believe she panicked because she didn't have a license or insurance. I'd like to think she was drinking, as I don't think she would have made that decision sober.

6 miles at high speeds down the wrong side of the Turnpike, it was only a matter of time before that would come to an end. She clipped a car and tore off the sideview mirror, then hit a pickup truck that was raised an inch head-on, minimizing damage to his vehicle. Her car was totaled. The car she clipped happened to belong to an EMT, so he got out and immediately ran to her first. She was unresponsive so he helped the 20-year-old out of his pickup truck. We are so unbelievably thankful he ended up leaving the hospital after three hours with only minor injuries. She was pronounced dead at the scene.

We're still trying to get a hold of the person she was texting during this, and we've also been trying to deal with the liability issue. Since she didn't have insurance, what if this guy sues my father, who gave her the car? We shouldn't have to be worrying about this kind of thing, but here we are.

In the meantime, I'm currently out of work which leaves me plenty of time to sit at home and think about it, unfortunately. But writing this has helped, as well as all of your kind words. Thanks again.
  #33  
Old 09-19-2009, 01:16 PM
Ann Onimous Ann Onimous is offline
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My heart is breaking for you. She sounds like she was an amazing lady. You may never completely know what happened that night, or all the circumstances surrounding the accident: but it is obvious that you love her deeply. If it's that obvious to a complete stranger, I'm sure it was to her as well. And I'd be willing to bet she loved you just as much.

All I can do is pray and send good, healing thoughts your way. We're here for you.
  #34  
Old 09-19-2009, 04:15 PM
dada2fish dada2fish is offline
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Having lost my only sister way too young I can feel your pain. I have a knot in my throat reading your posts. Keep talking about her and ((((((DooWahDiddy))))).
  #35  
Old 09-19-2009, 04:26 PM
joyfool joyfool is offline
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I'm so very, very sorry DooWahDiddy.
  #36  
Old 09-19-2009, 04:53 PM
Broomstick Broomstick is offline
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I am sorry for your loss. I lost my sister over 20 years ago, and I still miss her. Family is irreplaceable. Hold on to your memories of her.
  #37  
Old 09-19-2009, 05:22 PM
Reply Reply is offline
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Sorry, DooWahDiddy.
  #38  
Old 09-19-2009, 06:26 PM
foxymoron foxymoron is offline
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Oh, DooWahDiddy. I'm so sorry for you and your family. Terrible.
  #39  
Old 09-19-2009, 07:38 PM
Brynda Brynda is offline
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I am so sorry. Any loss is hard, but the circumstances here are heart-breaking. I wish you and your family peace.
  #40  
Old 09-19-2009, 07:42 PM
Quasimodem Quasimodem is offline
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I just saw this. I am so sorry for your loss.

Your "Doper" family is here, but if I can help in any other way, shoot me a mail or let us all know.

Thinking of you this night, DooWahDiddy!

Bill
  #41  
Old 09-19-2009, 08:24 PM
MoodIndigo1 MoodIndigo1 is offline
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I'm so very sorry, DooWahDiddy. My younger brother died suddenly at age 27- I was 28 at the time-- and that was the most horrible loss I've ever experienced.

It's downright obscene to lose someone so young, and to lose someone you've known since birth. It doesn't make sense, it doesn't ever for a long time, and then you start to remember all the good things about your shared experience, the special unique person who was your sibling.
One doesn't ever replace that loved one, one learns to live with the missing part. In time.

My condolences to you and your family, and your sister's friends. If I lived nearby, I'd bake you a pie, or sumpin. <hugs>
  #42  
Old 09-19-2009, 11:30 PM
statsman1982 statsman1982 is offline
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I'm deeply sorry for your loss. She sounds like a wonderful woman. Keep posting to let us know how you're doing.
  #43  
Old 09-20-2009, 12:19 AM
elfkin477 elfkin477 is offline
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I'm so sorry for your loss. A good friend of mine lost her just-turned-21 brother in a similar way three years ago, and after watching her cope, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I know from her experience that you will get through it, though I wouldn't blame you for doubting that right now. If you need to talk about it, we're here.
  #44  
Old 09-20-2009, 12:20 AM
supergoose supergoose is offline
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I'm so sorry.

I'd love to hear more about her, if it would help to share.
  #45  
Old 09-20-2009, 12:58 AM
GameHat GameHat is offline
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Oh God, I'm so sorry.

  #46  
Old 09-20-2009, 01:36 AM
Terraplane Terraplane is offline
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I'm so, so very sorry. Best wishes for you and your family, I hope you can all find peace and closure after this tragedy.
  #47  
Old 09-20-2009, 09:47 AM
Cosmopolitan Cosmopolitan is offline
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I'm very sorry for your loss.
  #48  
Old 09-20-2009, 10:49 PM
BoBettie BoBettie is offline
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My heart breaks for your terrible loss. I hope the coming days find your pain getting a little less each day and your ability to feel joy gaining footing again.
  #49  
Old 09-20-2009, 11:13 PM
Sunspace Sunspace is offline
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I'm so sorry, DooWahDiddy. I lost my sister too, almost twenty years ago.
  #50  
Old 09-21-2009, 01:26 AM
Magiver Magiver is offline
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I still wonder about a similar accident that happened in my area. The resulting crash melted the road and created a "sound strip". Every day going to work I would hit it with my tires and wonder about all the people who were affected by it.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's not a huge consolation to know it could have been so much worse.
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