Bad (First) Date Stories: You Know You've Got 'Em

[moonstarssun]

Mine was with a friend of a friend. I'd met Joe once, and mentioned to our mutual friend Jim that I thought he was cute. About 12 seconds after Jim and I ended our call, Joe called me. Not exactly subtle, but flattering, so I agreed to go to a party with him that weekend. Here are the things that went wrong:

1. Joe showed up with two friends in tow. One insisted that everyone call him V (I never learned his actual name) and the other was Jim's brother Jerry. We knew and intensely disliked each other.

2. We got to the party, which was fine. It was a birthday party that a friend of Joe's was hosting for his best friend. It was at her house, where she lived with her horrible little pug dog, Roscoe. Within seconds of walking in the door, Roscoe jumped up and tore my tights with his claws. I was pissed, but every other woman in the place had gotten the "Roscoe treatment," so I laughed it off.

3. Joe's friend had a little presentation to give in honor of the birthday girl, so we all trooped upstairs to watch his slide show and hear him give his toast. They had apparently grown up together, because he had tons of photos of the two of them, from childhood on. As the slide show progressed, it became obvious that the stunning good looks she was in possession of were purchased rather than inborn. The guy summed up his presentation with, "And now you all know what an ugly little hedgehog Kim used to be." Kim flew into a rage and kicked us all out of her house.

4. We went back to Joe's car with the presenter in tow. We found V passed out in the back of Joe's car, with a large puddle of vomit just outside the car door. Joe took one look and added his own to the mix.

5. The presenter (I can't remember his name--sorry) insisted that we all go back to his apartment. I didn't really want to, but I wasn't ready to go home yet either, so I thought, why not. On the way, the presenter, who is gay, started telling V about all the stuff he did to him while he was passed out. Jerry and Joe were confirming the story and V started freaking out and clinging to me, begging me to tell him it wasn't true. I was the party pooper and told him his ass was still pristine.

6. We got back to the presenter's apartment and he and the guys started reminiscing. He was a few years older than they were, and he'd known them since they were in high school. He wanted to hear all the details of how they lost their virginities, their current sexual activities and what their fetishes were. Then he wanted me to join the conversation. When he started asking pointed questions of the guys about orgies and videos, I decided it was time to break up the fun.

7. Joe politely walked me to my door at the end of the date, and dragged back to his car, knowing that he had blown it. I felt a little sorry for him, but I was relieved that he never called me.