A man with a gun demands you entertain him - what do you do?

[Llama Llogophile]

You're allowed one prop.

No sex or violence. You have no chance of disarming him.

If you are not entertaining, you die.

What's your act?

[Blut Aus Nord]

Does a stereo/iPod count as a prop? Just dancing like a fool I suppose.

[Attack from the 3rd dimension]

Her eyes they shone like a diamond
You'd think she was queen of the land
With her hair pulled over her shoulder
Tied up with a black velvet band

[drachillix]

Originally Posted by Mach Tuck

What's your act?

First I will need the audience to close their eyes for 10 seconds for this trick to work.

[gaffa]

Then, and only then, do I resume my old profession as a ventriloquist.

[figure9]

"Is this mike on? C'mon I'm dying here!"

[Joey P]

H.M.S. Pinafore

[runner pat]

Oh, shit. I need this kind of stress like I need a hole in my head.

[foolsguinea]

Gun swallowing. Wait, I had a gun right here, can I borrow yours?

[GusNSpot]

My own gun.

[SSG Schwartz]

I suppose any act called "The Aristocrats" would be in violation of the rules.

SSG (P) Schwartz

[Qin Shi Huangdi]

I act out the Gospels to him.

[Ichbin Dubist]

We could do 'Night, Mother if he'll play Jessie.

[dzero]

Can my one prop be a bullet proof coat like this?

[Antinor01]

The Aristocrats!

[Drain Bead]

Does cooking for him count? Otherwise, I'm fucked.

[Miller]

No sex or violence?

Might as well shoot me now.

[Malleus, Incus, Stapes!]

Jokes. I've got tons of 'em.

[Buckler of Swashing]

I can't sing or dance, so I guess I'd start telling dirty jokes!

[moejoe]

My Ethel Merman impression kills.

[FloatyGimpy]

Get out my top hat and cane and start singing:

"Hello my baby
Hello my honey
Hello my ragtime gal"

[Antinor01]

Could I use his gun as a prop? Though I suppose that would run afoul of the 'no chance of disarming him' clause.

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

My act is snorting Kim Jong Il's toupee through my left nostril. Sir, if you'd be so good as to go get my prop....

[SmartAleq]

My one prop is a SWAT team riot shield and my act is broken field running. Most people can't hit the broad side of a stationary barn with a pistol, I'm willing to take my chances.

[J.D.G]

One of two options:

A) Whip out my transvestite costume and prance around to Sweet Transvestite. He’ll either be so frightened he’ll run away or I’ll transfix him with my macho/mince routine and be able to take the gun.

Or

B) Do my rendition of the Animaniacs Presidents of the United States song. People usually like that one. I’m not even an American. Go figure.

[don't ask]

Well I'd start by telling him The Story of the Merchant and the Jinni.

[Sr Siete]

Realistically? I would probably flip out and start crying and begging. I have this crazy phobia at being shot at.

[J.D.G]

“Ooo can I do Danny Boy? No… Loch Lomond! No… I Did It My Way! No… Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend!… Candyman! … Moulin Rouge!…

Tell you what, can we just come back tomorrow and get a backing group and big band?"

[Teacake]

My prop would be a guitar and I would sing to him. He would have to have a high tolerance for me forgetting songs halfway through and strumming aimlessly while I try to remember. Funny, I was only thinking this morning that if I don't start playing my guitars again soon they're going to put themselves on Ebay out of boredom.

[Dead Cat]

Hmm. I think my prop would either be a piano, in which case I could sing and/or play the few pieces I know by heart, or lots of beer, in which case I could get drunk and start talking nonsense, which I'm told can be quite amusing (probably only to my close friends, though). Neither of these is likely to work for long, so perhaps I'd go for the latter, because by the time I get shot I might be drunk enough for it not to hurt as much.

Some great one-liners upthread, by the way - you guys are going to have no problems.

[twickster]

I always knew my tap-dancing skills would come in handy sooner or later.

[AClockworkMelon]

The only entertaining skill I have is the ability to perform card tricks.

[42fish]

For my next trick, I'll need to lock a volunteer from the audience inside this box. You, sir, with the gun...

[Annie-Xmas]

Get shot. I have zero talents.

[Martian Bigfoot]

I've just spent the last week teaching myself to play the guitar, so I'll play the one punk song I've learned. Oh, he'll still shoot me, I just want death to come quickly. It'll also make my last moments as terrible for him as for me (not to mention the neighbours).

[Declan]

Surprised no one has mentioned russian roulette yet, deer hunter style.

Declan

[RickJay]

Jokes. I got jokes.

Ever heard the moth joke? I'd tell that one. People either love it or hate it, so you'll know in a few minutes whether you're going to live or die, and avoid all the suspense.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I play guitar and sing, and I have plenty of material.

[Quercus]

Originally Posted by Mach Tuck

You're allowed one prop.

No sex or violence. You have no chance of disarming him.

So that means I can't perform my 'juggling unfired bullets' trick?

[may_be_ignorant]

Originally Posted by Attack from the 3rd dimension

Her eyes they shone like a diamond
You'd think she was queen of the land
With her hair pulled over her shoulder
Tied up with a black velvet band

yeah you'd die

[Rex Goliath]

Probably tell Carl Hanratty's joke from Catch Me If You Can, which is in the running for top twenty jokes ever.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
...
...


...

Go fuck yourself.

[VanillaGorilla]

Originally Posted by Annie-Xmas

Get shot. I have zero talents.

Same here my friend, same here...

[Rodgers01]

Originally Posted by Joey P

H.M.S. Pinafore

Ha, my thought exactly.

[Llama Llogophile]

Some fun answers here. But I'm starting to think that shaggy dog stories may be the way to go. Even if he shoots you afterward, you bought yourself a fair amount of time!

[Anaamika]

I could dance. I could sing, but then I'd just get shot.

No one has said they'd try to seduce him with a sexy dance? Dunno if it would work, though, but technically it is entertaining.

[Autolycus]

Well, I hope the gun-man likes story time, because I certainly have a fair-to-middling amount of what have been called entertaining personal stories. I can sing decent too, but I can't play guitar so it might suck royally without instrumentation. Although, I can do a not-half-bad 'Over the Rainbow.' Although squared, that could lead the situation from bad to worse *ba-dum-tish*

[Autolycus]

Originally Posted by Anaamika

No one has said they'd try to seduce him with a sexy dance? Dunno if it would work, though, but technically it is entertaining.

Originally Posted by Mach Tuck

No sex

[Llama Llogophile]

Originally Posted by Autolycus

I said no sex, meaning actual sex. A sexy dance is entertainment, and therefore permitted as long as it has artistic merit.

Please send me videos of such if there are further questions, and I will provide guidance.

[Raguleader]

My one prop is a loaded gun.

[limegreen]

Well, I was a professional storyteller for a while, so maybe I could, like Scherezade, keep him listening until someone could rescue me.