Help unclog my toilet with your words, please

[Jaledin]

Yadda, I was constipated for three or four days, and after dozens of attempts, a giant baby came out of my ass. And now the fucker is jammed into my toilet.

Plunging? Check. All the time. Not working. Not much toilet paper in there -- that fucker was so rock hard I hardly even needed to wipe my ass.

Do I need to buy/borrow a snake? And if so, will it do any good? It's been clogged for two days. I poured bleach in there a few days ago, to try to mitigate bacterial growth and loosen solid matter, but it's not working.

Or, is there a caustic solvent which will make all of this badness go away?

I'm a mild germaphobe, and I'm freaking the fuck out, and I need this shit out of my toilet, immediately, or as fast as possible.

Should I just put my hand down there and grab hold of "something"? I think I'm going to be...thrilled when this is done, but I can't afford a plumber.