The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread

[Joey P]

So my ex-wife...my ex-wife that cheated on me and then moved in with the guy she left me for...my ex-wife that I still work with just stopped over. Wanted to tell me that she has the opportunity for a new job. She wanted to know my opinion about leaving our store. Her new job would have all kinds of odd hours that would require me to pick up a lot of slack WRT our daughter and she wanted my input on how we would handle her absence at work as well as how well I thought our daughter could handle the screwy schedule. She also wanted to let me know that if she took this job one of the things that would change, due to her schedule, would be that he (that's what I call him) would have to drop off our daughter at my house some of the times since she would likely be at work. She's been with him for, well, since we split up (and who knows how long before that) and I have yet to meet him*. The closest I've been to that is seeing him from my house when he's in the car and my ex runs up to the door with the kid.
...Oh, and she's getting married in December.
FTR, I'm not looking for advice, I just wanted to get it out of my system. 'Tis all.

*I'm well aware that being that there's a kind that goes back and forth, managing to go two and half years without meeting the ex's SO is pretty good. I knew this would happen sooner or later. Might as well get it over with. It's not like I have to spend time with him, just a quick "Hi" or "thanks" as he drops off my daughter.

[lindsaybluth]

Who is the one paying your wife's salary? I assumed it was a family business, in which case it's amazingly, incredibly kind of whoever decided to keep her rather than fire her.

[Joey P]

Originally Posted by lindsaybluth

Who is the one paying your wife's salary? I assumed it was a family business, in which case it's amazingly, incredibly kind of whoever decided to keep her rather than fire her.

It's a family business, but she's easily one of our best employees. I can honestly say if she does leave, it's going to be very hard to replace her. In fact, with the dynamics of our store, she won't be 'replaced' but her duties will be sort of absorbed by a few other people. None of them can do everything she does (all at once), but they can all do aspects of it. They way it'll pan out is that everyone we'll likely shift around a bit and we'll end up hiring another cashier since one of the people that will slide into my ex's position also watches the register in the morning, but if she's doing her own work plus some of my ex's, she won't be able to do that also. On top of that, another person who also has a shit ton of responsibilities around there just graduated college and may be leaving in the next few weeks...it could prove to be a tough few months for a place that only has 13 employees...many of whom do a lot of work.

[Sicks Ate]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

I could be way off base, too, but no one else is posting right now so I'll keep presenting my (possibly warped) POV...

I totally agree that being a single parent -- full-time or part-time -- makes dating even more of a pain in the ass: I'm not a parent myself, but I've dated single dads* and I've had single-parent friends. I'm just saying that the costs associated with having a child should have no bearing on whether someone is expected to pay their way on a first date. A woman with a kid isn't willing to pay for a sitter so that she can give you a shot: she has to pay for a sitter if she wants to give anyone a shot. Know what I mean?

Once you get past that first date there's room to accomodate imbalances like that, but I feel like if I'm not expecting to pay my own way -- and expecting the guy to pay his own way -- on a first date, then I'm not approaching him as an equal. That early in the game, our respective financial/family situations should make no difference (except when it comes to being flexible with regards to scheduling).

*Both IRL guys are dads: one has an 18-year-old, but his ex has had full custody for a while (due to the nature of his work, not his fitness/willingness to be a parent); the other has his 8-year-old 50% of the time. Just one of the ways in which these guys are very different.

K well point was moot tonight, she had a friend watch her son and she about kicked my ass to split the bill :-D

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by Joey P

FTR, I'm not looking for advice, I just wanted to get it out of my system. 'Tis all.

Ugh. Everyone seems to be acting like grownups, which is awesome (especially for your daughter's sake), but still -- ugh.

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

K well point was moot tonight, she had a friend watch her son and she about kicked my ass to split the bill :-D

[Edward The Head]

Originally Posted by Joey P

...Oh, and she's getting married in December.
FTR, I'm not looking for advice, I just wanted to get it out of my system. 'Tis all.

Rant away dude. I know how that goes, my ex is pretty much the same way. I've never meet my ex's, well whatever he is, but twice. Once he brought my youngest daughter over. It was either that or I would have to drive 30 minutes one way to get her. I figured that sooner or later I'd be meeting him so I told her to have him drop her off. He didn't say much to me.

You'd think that since they are getting married she would want you to know the guy, he is going to be living with your kid. My ex is supposed to be getting married as well, though I don't know when as that's "none of my business."

You know, after a year or so you'd think people would at least try and act like adults, but they choose not to.

[Joey P]

Originally Posted by Edward The Head

Rant away dude. I know how that goes, my ex is pretty much the same way. I've never meet my ex's, well whatever he is, but twice. Once he brought my youngest daughter over. It was either that or I would have to drive 30 minutes one way to get her. I figured that sooner or later I'd be meeting him so I told her to have him drop her off. He didn't say much to me.

You'd think that since they are getting married she would want you to know the guy, he is going to be living with your kid. My ex is supposed to be getting married as well, though I don't know when as that's "none of my business."

You know, after a year or so you'd think people would at least try and act like adults, but they choose not to.

They've been living together more or less since a few months after she left me and my daughter is there about half the time. Like I said, I've never met him, but my daughter seems to like him. Regardless of my personal feelings toward the guy that my wife cheated on me with, my 5 year old talks pretty highly of him, though I do try to change the subject as quickly as I can. It's not something I like to dwell on.
Anyways, I just wanted to get it out because I get worried when I have that kind of stuff on my mind any emails I send or dates I go on will be clouded with "Ugh, my ex and her boyfriend are buying a house together" or "Ugh, my ex is getting married". IOW, I don't want to be making decisions when I'm annoyed by some other aspect of my life.

[Edward The Head]

Originally Posted by Joey P

They've been living together more or less since a few months after she left me and my daughter is there about half the time. Like I said, I've never met him, but my daughter seems to like him. Regardless of my personal feelings toward the guy that my wife cheated on me with, my 5 year old talks pretty highly of him, though I do try to change the subject as quickly as I can. It's not something I like to dwell on.
Anyways, I just wanted to get it out because I get worried when I have that kind of stuff on my mind any emails I send or dates I go on will be clouded with "Ugh, my ex and her boyfriend are buying a house together" or "Ugh, my ex is getting married". IOW, I don't want to be making decisions when I'm annoyed by some other aspect of my life.

I know how it goes man, I'm in the same exact boat. The only difference is that my ex doesn't live with the guy, yet, and we have two daughters, 6 and 3. I just hope your ex isn't trying to make you feel like crap for no reason and then says it's in the best interest of the girls.

I am so glad my ex is gone, I just wish it wasn't so hard to find new people at my age.

[2ManyTacos]

20 year old guy here...

Alright folks, forgive me if I sound off or whatever, but I just got a few questions I'd like to get out of the way. Where do you suggest that somebody of my age and gender go out to meet women? I mean, from what I've seen, it seems that most people who register for online dating sites tend to be at least in their mid-20s, so I worry that if I were to sign up for a dating site I'd come off as being too weird or desperate or something (just given my age, really).

So where do I meet women? Should I just try out a dating site? The thing is, if I were 21 I would know the answer to these questions; just go to a bar, a club, or whatever. I'm not old enough to do those things yet, and frankly I'm tired of waiting to "age into" that type of scenario before I make any real headway on this issue.

I don't want to ask out anybody that I work with (pursuing coworkers feels weird to me), and looking for women at school is essentially out of the question too (I mean, at my college, people basically just go to their classes and leave - there's very little socializing going on).

What do you guys suggest?

[Joey P]

Originally Posted by Edward The Head

I know how it goes man, I'm in the same exact boat. The only difference is that my ex doesn't live with the guy, yet, and we have two daughters, 6 and 3. I just hope your ex isn't trying to make you feel like crap for no reason and then says it's in the best interest of the girls.

I am so glad my ex is gone, I just wish it wasn't so hard to find new people at my age.

No, in fact I'll give her credit for going out of her way NOT to make me feel like crap. When he's in the car when she get's dropped off, they park a few houses down. At work (to the best of my knowledge) she's not once mentioned his name and the other employees don't talk about her personal life. She's never really brought anything up about him.

In fact, one of the reasons for her leaving work is that she said it's getting harder and harder to not slip up and talk about him. For example, she's going dress shopping this weekend and she's said it's really hard not to talk about that at work.

I'll still say that some day...some day waaay down the road I'd like to be comfortable enough that we all (her and me, him and some S.O. that I'll have) to be able to at least get together for dinner once in a while. My daughter will never get to go on a vacation with her parents or do any of that kind of stuff so I'm hoping I can at least give her that. BUT, I won't be able to do that until I can sit down at this hypothetical dinner party and think to my self "You can keep her, I don't know what I was thinking marrying her when there was someone like this out there" That sounds bad...it makes more sense in my head.

[Sicks Ate]

Originally Posted by 2ManyTacos

20 year old guy here...

Alright folks, forgive me if I sound off or whatever, but I just got a few questions I'd like to get out of the way. Where do you suggest that somebody of my age and gender go out to meet women? I mean, from what I've seen, it seems that most people who register for online dating sites tend to be at least in their mid-20s, so I worry that if I were to sign up for a dating site I'd come off as being too weird or desperate or something (just given my age, really).

So where do I meet women? Should I just try out a dating site? The thing is, if I were 21 I would know the answer to these questions; just go to a bar, a club, or whatever. I'm not old enough to do those things yet, and frankly I'm tired of waiting to "age into" that type of scenario before I make any real headway on this issue.

I don't want to ask out anybody that I work with (pursuing coworkers feels weird to me), and looking for women at school is essentially out of the question too (I mean, at my college, people basically just go to their classes and leave - there's very little socializing going on).

What do you guys suggest?

Well I can't give very good firsthand experience, because I was not a prolific dater at 20, but in hindsight perhaps I can contribute
Even though your school is as you describe it, with not much socializing, I'll be if you start paying attention to bulletin boards etc., there are plenty of student groups or activities. Ditto the school newsletter. If you school, or even better your academic department has a FB page, join it and participate. That gets your name and face out there. That won't automatically get you a date, but it opens two possibilities: One, somebody may actually recognize you one day between classes, and two, you can always use it as a point of conversation.
Might a well try a dating site or three, it certainly can't hurt.
What do you do? Find groups of people that do the things you do and do the things with them. Some of them will be women. Probably. For that matter, find new things to do.
And I don't suppose the importance of this can be overstated: Approach and talk to women. If you can do this, you never have to worry about where to go to meet women, because they're freakin' all over!

[lindsaybluth]

Originally Posted by 2ManyTacos

20 year old guy here...(snip)(I mean, at my college, people basically just go to their classes and leave - there's very little socializing going on).

What do you guys suggest?

Join clubs at your college. Get involved. See if there are volunteering or tutoring opportunities. Meet people at these club events or tutoring events. Regardless of how small and insular your college is, I'm sure they have these things. Make it a point to hang out in common areas after class. Invite people in class to dinner. Make the first step. So many people are just damn passive. Some of my best friends were met by me doing the initiating and I'm positive they'd never have uttered a word about spending extra time (outside of work/class) if I hadn't been the first to bring it up. That's just how some people are. Don't be one of them. College is the best time to meet people, period.

Originally Posted by Joey P

In fact, one of the reasons for her leaving work is that she said it's getting harder and harder to not slip up and talk about him. For example, she's going dress shopping this weekend and she's said it's really hard not to talk about that at work.

I have to say you're really very impressive with all this. Really. I can't say I'd be dignified enough to keep her on -- despite how good of an employee she was. But it sounds like you two are model co-parents, honestly. That's freaking impressive. You're also fortunate that your kiddo likes him.

[Robot Arm]

I just got an e-mail from OKCupid telling me that it's raining.



I'm not kidding.

[Sicks Ate]

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

I just got an e-mail from OKCupid telling me that it's raining.



I'm not kidding.

If you get an e-mail saying it's raining men, you've accidentally logged into OGayCupid.

[Edward The Head]

eHarmony is screwy. I still can't make heads nor tails of it. I think I closed out, meaning we can talk anymore, to someone because it had a 'close match' at the bottom of the page so I thought she ditched me. Most of the others had 'archive match', but now they all say 'close match'. So now I think I closed her out even though I didn't want to. I think who ever designed the site was a bit nuts.

I'd also like to know where all the single mothers are. I haven't seen one yet on eHarmony, and they are rare on OKCupid too.

[Cinnamon Imp]

Originally Posted by Edward The Head

I'd also like to know where all the single mothers are. I haven't seen one yet on eHarmony, and they are rare on OKCupid too.

Oh, they're probably there, just not mentioning they have kids because (a) they don't want to scare men off and (b) they don't want to attract men who are looking for kids rather than women

[Edward The Head]

Originally Posted by hermette

Oh, they're probably there, just not mentioning they have kids because (a) they don't want to scare men off and

I wouldn't think they would scare a lot of guys off, but then again since I have kids I'd rather have someone who understand kids.

(b) they don't want to attract men who are looking for kids rather than women

ewww... I didn't think of that, because well there's no reason to think of that.

[Misnomer]

This morning I got an OKCupid message from a born-again Christian looking to have a baby with someone -- even though my profile clearly states that I don't believe in god, and am not interested in having children of my own.

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

If you get an e-mail saying it's raining men, you've accidentally logged into OGayCupid.

Originally Posted by Edward The Head

I wouldn't think they would scare a lot of guys off, but then again since I have kids I'd rather have someone who understand kids.

Do you think that's a pretty common preference? Sicks Ate and Joey P, do you guys prefer/look for moms, too? Do you find that childless women really tend not to "get" the whole kid thing?

It makes me a little sad to think that some single dads might never see my profile just because I have no kids, but then again I guess it's no worse than someone never seeing my profile because I'm short (or whatever filter they might use). Also, from what I can tell I'm kind of unusual: childless by choice, but I sincerely like kids, I'm good with them, I have a lot of experience with babies and young children, etc. I'm a great babysitter and an excellent aunt, and I like to think that I'd probably be a decent stepmom.

[Joey P]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

Do you think that's a pretty common preference? Sicks Ate and Joey P, do you guys prefer/look for moms, too? Do you find that childless women really tend not to "get" the whole kid thing?

No not at all. Whether or not someone has kids it's just one aspect of their profile that I take into consideration and it's certainly not from the POV of "They have kids so they'll understand" or "They don't have kids so they won't understand". In fact, it's more along the lines of "Gee, she has two kids and I have one, that's going to make scheduling really complicated...OTOH she...."

But when I see someone that's divorced it makes me thing that they'll be able to relate to what I went through better then someone who hasn't been through a divorce. But that's different then having kids.

Having said that, if someone told me after we met that they had kids when their profile said they didn't, they'd have to be pretty awesome otherwise that would probably be a deal breaker. It's one thing to meet someone out and about and not learn about their kids but in OKC/Match you have to explicitly lie about not having them (assuming they said "No" to "Have children")

If someone said they wrote "No" to have kids as a way to ward off child molesters or some other odd excuse I'd probably stay away from them. I don't think I could spend my life with someone that was that uptight. That seems like the same type of person that reposts crap on facebook and about one step away from being a conspiracy theorist.


Now, the other day I had my first date in a while. I thought it went great. We didn't meet until almost 10pm, stayed out for about an hour, talked a lot, laughed, had fun and when we walked to our cars she said that it was nice to meet me and I said good night. The next day (Friday morning) I sent her a quick email saying that I had fun and would like to get together again. I'm thinking I'm probably not going to at this point since...we'll see.

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by Joey P

No not at all.

Whew.

But when I see someone that's divorced it makes me thing that they'll be able to relate to what I went through better then someone who hasn't been through a divorce.

Does that matter a lot? Is empathy more important than sympathy when it comes to divorce?

Having said that, if someone told me after we met that they had kids when their profile said they didn't, they'd have to be pretty awesome otherwise that would probably be a deal breaker.

For me, any kind of lying is immediately a dealbreaker. (Relationship-wise, anyway...I like to think that I wouldn't even fool around with a liar, but if there's serious chemistry...maybe, depending on the lie...it's been a while...)

Now, the other day I had my first date in a while. I thought it went great. We didn't meet until almost 10pm, stayed out for about an hour, talked a lot, laughed, had fun and when we walked to our cars she said that it was nice to meet me and I said good night. The next day (Friday morning) I sent her a quick email saying that I had fun and would like to get together again. I'm thinking I'm probably not going to at this point since...we'll see.

That's why I never let a first meeting/date end without having either the "I'd like to see you again" or "I had a nice time but don't feel that we connected" conversation. Good luck!

[Joey P]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

Whew.

Does that matter a lot? Is empathy more important than sympathy when it comes to divorce?

It certainly doesn't sway my decision one way or the other, and I'm not really looking for sympathy, but once it's nice to see a divorced person and think that they know what I've been through. Of course, it's meaningless (and I try to treat it as such) since for all I know they cheated on their husband and he left her and that's why they're on a dating site...That's not really what I'm looking for.

That's why I never let a first meeting/date end without having either the "I'd like to see you again" or "I had a nice time but don't feel that we connected" conversation. Good luck!

I sent her an email that made my intentions clear (asked if she'd like to hang out again (or something like that)). All I can do is see if she responds. She's working on her thesis so I know she's really busy and there were times while we were emailing when she would go a day or two without replying so it's possible she's just busy right now.
We'll just wait and see.

[Cinnamon Imp]

So I joined OKCupid.

The first two guys who messaged me were a bit creepy, so after a brief exchange, I ended up discovering the block feature. I've not let that put me off though, I assume they're just the saddos who prey on the newcomers to the site after striking out with everyone else.

I've got chats going with two or three others, no major sparks flying, but you never know, there might be chemistry in person if I manage to grab a coffee with them sometime!

But there's an odd thing happening I'd like to pick your collective brains about: I check my recent visitors most days, and noticed the same name popping up everytime, usually they've visited me within the past 24 hours. I'd never had a message from them, or been advised they were a match, so I finally got around to visiting their profile to see what keeps them coming back, and I saw the profile is for a 36 year old straight woman. Now I'm a 34 year old woman looking for a man, not a woman. And she's not even nearby.

I sent her a message: Hello *username*, I'm curious, you keep looking at my profile. Do we know each other?

No reply, but she visited me twice yesterday. What on earth is that all about?

[Cinnamon Imp]

Originally Posted by Joey P

If someone said they wrote "No" to have kids as a way to ward off child molesters or some other odd excuse I'd probably stay away from them. I don't think I could spend my life with someone that was that uptight. That seems like the same type of person that reposts crap on facebook and about one step away from being a conspiracy theorist.

Originally Posted by Joey P

It certainly doesn't sway my decision one way or the other, and I'm not really looking for sympathy, but once it's nice to see a divorced person and think that they know what I've been through. Of course, it's meaningless (and I try to treat it as such) since for all I know they cheated on their husband and he left her and that's why they're on a dating site...That's not really what I'm looking for.

So... you really don't want to grab a coffee with me sometime then?

[Joey P]

Originally Posted by hermette

But there's an odd thing happening I'd like to pick your collective brains about: I check my recent visitors most days, and noticed the same name popping up everytime, usually they've visited me within the past 24 hours. I'd never had a message from them, or been advised they were a match, so I finally got around to visiting their profile to see what keeps them coming back, and I saw the profile is for a 36 year old straight woman. Now I'm a 34 year old woman looking for a man, not a woman. And she's not even nearby.

I sent her a message: Hello *username*, I'm curious, you keep looking at my profile. Do we know each other?

No reply, but she visited me twice yesterday. What on earth is that all about?

Try doing an image search with her picture and see if it shows up somewhere else. It's entirely possible it's a fake profile that someone set up to look around (for any of a multitude of reasons). Some people don't seem to realize that instead of setting up a fake profile you can just set up a blank profile and browse anonymously and no realizes your doing it (and reports you for it).
Beyond that, it could just be someone that stumbled across your profile and keeps checking it for some reason that you'll never know.

[Misnomer]

I've seen a lot of questions in this thread related to the profile visitor thing. I always browse anonymously, and frankly I don't get it: why care who has looked at your profile, how many times, or why? Isn't actual contact the only thing that really matters?

Originally Posted by Joey P

I'm not really looking for sympathy

That's not what I meant; my bad. I just meant does it matter/how much does it matter whether you have that experience in common with someone.

(Asked as a woman who has never been married, but who -- at 40 -- finds herself meeting fewer and fewer men who haven't been.)

[Joey P]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

That's not what I meant; my bad. I just meant does it matter/how much does it matter whether you have that experience in common with someone.

As someone who's dating people in the 25-35 range, I think a lot of them are looking/hoping to get married in the next 5 years. I'm not totally sure of my feelings about remarrying right now. And it's not 'trust' issues or anything like that. It's just more that the whole wedding thing is a lot of of crap and expense and to put yourself and your family(s) through and the engagement is a long drawn out thing. Often times when I see someone that's divorced, part of me thinks that she may understand that sentiment and might also not be gunning to get (re)married again as well.
Of course wanting to or not wanting to get married isn't a deal breaker for me, but all things being equal, I'd rather date someone that wasn't quite sure then someone who plans to be married in the next few years to someone. I get the feeling I'm more likely to find that in someone who's already been down that road before...if that makes sense. Like I said, it's not a sympathy thing. It's more of a been there/done that thing.

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by Joey P

Of course wanting to or not wanting to get married isn't a deal breaker for me, but all things being equal, I'd rather date someone that wasn't quite sure then someone who plans to be married in the next few years to someone.

Good point, and one I hadn't considered. That's much less of an issue for me, probably due both to not wanting my own kids and to looking for men in the 35-50 age range -- and the kids thing is probably also why I've never been married (I've cohabitated, just never felt the need to make it legal).

[Edward The Head]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

Do you think that's a pretty common preference? Sicks Ate and Joey P, do you guys prefer/look for moms, too? Do you find that childless women really tend not to "get" the whole kid thing?

It makes me a little sad to think that some single dads might never see my profile just because I have no kids, but then again I guess it's no worse than someone never seeing my profile because I'm short (or whatever filter they might use). Also, from what I can tell I'm kind of unusual: childless by choice, but I sincerely like kids, I'm good with them, I have a lot of experience with babies and young children, etc. I'm a great babysitter and an excellent aunt, and I like to think that I'd probably be a decent stepmom.

I can say that on OKCupid I look for women with kids, that want kids, or doesn't want kids but it's ok if I have them. I think they've changed the things around a little bit because the last time I looked there was all of one that fit that.

I guess to me it's a bit like dogs, I'm not a dog person, I'd rather not take care of one, yet a lot of women seem to have/like them. I'm not sure if people without children know what it's like to have them and how much time it may take away and really understand that.

Honestly at this age I'm having such a hard time even getting one date that it doesn't really matter. Though I'm not really interested in a lot of short flings, I'd rather have a semi long term serious relationship. Being 38 I think a lot of women my age are wanting children and not interested in someone with them.

[Sicks Ate]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

This morning I got an OKCupid message from a born-again Christian looking to have a baby with someone -- even though my profile clearly states that I don't believe in god, and am not interested in having children of my own.

He figures the chances of making a baby with you are pretty good, since you atheist women are all harlots.

Originally Posted by Misnomer

Do you think that's a pretty common preference? Sicks Ate and Joey P, do you guys prefer/look for moms, too? Do you find that childless women really tend not to "get" the whole kid thing?

When I set up searches, I don't use the child parameters at all. I do kind of tend to rule out women with more than one child when I run across them...not sure I have a good reason for it, other than it just seems like it would make scheduling even harder, see JoeyPs comment. I also am very cautious of women who say they definitely want children, because while I am open to it, I can't say that it's a must. When I actually took stock I realized that almost all of the women I have met have children, so perhaps I am discriminating toward women with children subconsciously.

I absolutely find that childless women don't 'get' it, for the most part. Or maybe it's not that...maybe it's the women with children 'get it' to more of an extent.

Originally Posted by Joey P

No not at all. Whether or not someone has kids it's just one aspect of their profile that I take into consideration and it's certainly not from the POV of "They have kids so they'll understand" or "They don't have kids so they won't understand". In fact, it's more along the lines of "Gee, she has two kids and I have one, that's going to make scheduling really complicated...OTOH she...."

Bingo. It's already hard, and when you both have kids and funky schedules, it's kind of interesting even finding time to get together. I have dropped things with one women I think was a fantastic match after we spent a month trying to get together for the third time...she has her boy full-time and lives 40 minutes away. Just wasn't happening.

Originally Posted by Misnomer

That's why I never let a first meeting/date end without having either the "I'd like to see you again" or "I had a nice time but don't feel that we connected" conversation. Good luck!

Excellent. I have the say that I have never ended a date by telling someone it just wasn't working, and I've never had it said to me. I wouldn't mind it, though.

Originally Posted by Misnomer

I've seen a lot of questions in this thread related to the profile visitor thing. I always browse anonymously, and frankly I don't get it: why care who has looked at your profile, how many times, or why? Isn't actual contact the only thing that really matters?

I think that women kind of use the fact that it's logged as a hint. I have had two women now tell me that they were kind of 'stalking' me for a while before I contacted them. Creepy? I donno. We already had a 'creepy' conversation :P

Still, seeing who looks at you can work to your (meaning, my) advantage. I noticed a woman had looked at my profile a couple times with in a few days so I checked her out. Liked what I saw, so I favorited her to e-mail later. Within 15 minutes, she sent me a wink. Had our second date today, and a 3rd is in the works. See how I worked in that stealth brag? Yeah, I've been at this for a while.

Ok, my turn now! Is it just me, or does it seem that a larger-than-average proportion of online dating women like their booze? Between seeing a ton of party pictures or just getting to know some, I feel like I'm running across more drinkers than I should. Now don't get me wrong, I am sitting here with a delicious locally brewed ale, but if I'm right, do you think there's a reason that women who have such a focus on partying and/or wine are single? Or appearing on dating sites?

Maybe I'm just setting up my searches wrong

[Robot Arm]

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

Ok, my turn now! Is it just me, or does it seem that a larger-than-average proportion of online dating women like their booze? Between seeing a ton of party pictures or just getting to know some, I feel like I'm running across more drinkers than I should. Now don't get me wrong, I am sitting here with a delicious locally brewed ale, but if I'm right, do you think there's a reason that women who have such a focus on partying and/or wine are single? Or appearing on dating sites?

Maybe I'm just setting up my searches wrong

It could just be that they're more likely to have their pictures taken when they're in certain situations. I see pictures of women at bars, in costumes, as bridesmaids, on vacation, that sort of thing. My own pictures are in costume, on vacation, and chillin' with the Easter Bunny. No one takes a picture of me sitting at home, reading. (I need some new ones, actually. I'll have to see if someone at the curling club will take a few action shots.)

The part I can't figure out is why so many have pictures of themselves behind the wheel of their cars.

[Robot Arm]

P.S. I suspect rain has stopped. Waiting for a message from OKCupid to confirm.

[Sicks Ate]

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

It could just be that they're more likely to have their pictures taken when they're in certain situations. I see pictures of women at bars, in costumes, as bridesmaids, on vacation, that sort of thing. My own pictures are in costume, on vacation, and chillin' with the Easter Bunny. No one takes a picture of me sitting at home, reading. (I need some new ones, actually. I'll have to see if someone at the curling club will take a few action shots.)

Are there 'curling action shots'?

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

The part I can't figure out is why so many have pictures of themselves behind the wheel of their cars.

Yeah...this. Anyone care to explain this? They usually look pretty together in those shots, though. Is it just that they feel good and don't think to take a picture until they look in the visor mirror and think "g/d, I'm hot today!"?

[Sicks Ate]

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

P.S. I suspect rain has stopped. Waiting for a message from OKCupid to confirm.

It's down in Africa.

[Joey P]

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

P.S. I suspect rain has stopped. Waiting for a message from OKCupid to confirm.

You could always check the fucking weather for yourself.

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

Bingo. It's already hard, and when you both have kids and funky schedules, it's kind of interesting even finding time to get together. I have dropped things with one women I think was a fantastic match after we spent a month trying to get together for the third time...she has her boy full-time and lives 40 minutes away. Just wasn't happening.

Waaaay back in this thread, waaaay back when I had mentioned that the SA forums got a hold of my profile I had mentioned (here) that I was concerned about a potential date because she had two kids but I was relived when she told me that she only had them every two weeks (she had them for two weeks then dad had them for two weeks). Someone over at SA said I was a hypocrite (or something along those lines) since I was judging her for having kids when I had one myself. It's not really like that. I have a hard enough time trying to date. I only have three nights a week to myself, she had two kids a full time job and school, try working that into my schedule. Hell, the first person I got into a real conversation with on Match (on the phone) I never got to meet. After two or so weeks of talking on the phone we never managed to get our schedules to sync up because of our kids and the meet up was never scheduled. After a while I think we both just sort of lost our momentum.* For that reason, 'no children' has a slight advantage. But I look for maturity more then anything. I'm not in college and I'm not looking to date anyone that acts like they are. I'm a homebody and that's more or less what I'm looking for.

Regarding wanting children. I also tend to stay away from people that make it very clear that they must have kids. I have one and I'm on the fence about another. I could go either way. That is I'm happy with one, I'd be happy with two but I know that if I had another my two kids would have a pretty big age difference (probably close to 10 years) making them both basically only children. I'm sort of looking for someone that's either not looking to have kids or on the fence as well. Basically anything this side of "Yes, must have kids, lots of kids". When I first started dating, I thought of it this way....Ya know those friends that had a baby that said they weren't trying to have a baby but they weren't trying not to have one...that's what I wanted to do. Once I'd been in a relationship that I knew was going to last forever then maybe stop trying not to have one, but not actively try to have one if that makes sense. Since then I've changed a bit and decided that I'd rather be with someone who's open to discussing it...again, just not YES MUST HAVE KIDS!!!1!.


*Funny thing...that was about a year and a half ago and a few weeks ago she called me by accident. She was clearly try to call someone else in her phone named Joe and got my number by mistake.

[Joey P]

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

The part I can't figure out is why so many have pictures of themselves behind the wheel of their cars.

I'll second that. I've wondered that many many times myself. I can understand getting ready to go out, looking at yourself in the mirror and taking a picture, but why do so many people get in the car and say "Yup, I need to take a picture of myself"?

[Robot Arm]

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

Are there 'curling action shots'?

In the traditional sense of the term, no. That won't stop me from trying. Gotta do something to stand out from the crowd on OKC.

[Joey P]

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

In the traditional sense of the term, no. That won't stop me from trying. Gotta do something to stand out from the crowd on OKC.

As a somewhat competent photographer I can tell you that, assuming the place is well lit, have the person with the camera slow down the shutter and track you with the camera as you're moving. That will give the appearance of movement and get you an "action shot" like this (which was done by a pro, but it's how it was done nonetheless).

Or, shave someone and do this which I found when looking for the first picture.

[Robot Arm]

Originally Posted by Joey P

As a somewhat competent photographer I can tell you that, assuming the place is well lit, have the person with the camera slow down the shutter and track you with the camera as you're moving. That will give the appearance of movement and get you an "action shot" like this (which was done by a pro, but it's how it was done nonetheless).

If I'm going to get that elaborate, I better take in my own camera. I have an ancient 35mm that might do the trick.

Or, shave someone and do this which I found when looking for the first picture.

I'm surprised the ice crew let them get away with that. Body heat would tend to melt the pebble off.

[Sicks Ate]

Moderating

Moved IMHO ----> Cafe Society





Not even sure I can say that legally.

[Invisible Chimp]

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

The part I can't figure out is why so many have pictures of themselves behind the wheel of their cars.

I don't see this very often. Maybe it's because of the city I live in, or maybe it's because I don't drive. Many of my matches are like me and don't have cars.

[Cinnamon Imp]

I can't believe I forgot to say this - I'm going out for a drink tonight with a guy I saw[1] on Plentyoffish.

I don't think it's a "date" date (even if he has been signing his texts to me with x) but if it was a date, it would be the first one I've been on since my husband ended things nearly two years ago.

Wish me luck

[1] Yeah, I say "saw" because that's not where I met him - I already knew him, just didn't realise he was available and looking till he'd checked out my profile!

[pseudotriton ruber ruber]

Quick note to say that it looks like I'll be a lurker rather than a contributor here, for the next bit at least--I finally met someone on OKC who seems to like me and who seems pretty cool herself. Only issue is her two kids live at home, and they aren't kids --they're young grownups and don't seem to want to move out any time soon, so there's never any privacy at her place. But there's plenty chez moi, so that might work out.

Also she has a cat and a dog, but doesn't seem over-attached to either. So I think I've sidestepped another big issue for me. (Despite all my bad pub as an animal-hater around here, I don't expect a problem just because she has pets. I didn't notice them walking on kitchen counters or filthifying her eating areas generally.) it is a gigantic relief not to be internet-dating any more--it was starting to get to me.

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by Edward The Head

I guess to me it's a bit like dogs, I'm not a dog person, I'd rather not take care of one, yet a lot of women seem to have/like them. I'm not sure if people without children know what it's like to have them and how much time it may take away and really understand that.

I think I get that. While someone without children may like kids and understand in a general sort of way that you being a dad will mean X and Y, they won't really know what it means until they date you for a while; someone who already has kids will skip that initial learning curve. Right?

I guess my equivalent to that is music: I have no problem dating non-musicians, but another musician -- especially a working one -- will already understand what it means to me and why I might not be available some Friday/Saturday nights.

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

He figures the chances of making a baby with you are pretty good, since you atheist women are all harlots.

That reminds me of the only guy I've ever had to block on OKC: I had a profile up that clearly stated that I didn't want to have children and wasn't looking to get married, among other things. A guy wrote to me who thought I sounded just "perfect," but his profile was unbearably pretentious so I sent back a "thanks so much for writing, I'm flattered but I just don't think we're a good match" reply. His response was to get angry and defensive, and say that he was sure I was really just trolling for a husband so that I could start popping out kids. I ignored that message, but about 6 months later he wrote to me again: that time he informed me that our previous interaction didn't lead to a connection because of a misunderstanding on my part, and he said that I should check out his updated profile. That's when I blocked him.

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

I absolutely find that childless women don't 'get' it, for the most part.

Do you find that it's just a learning curve thing (i.e., they're willing/able to "get" it, they just have to adjust), or that it's more about how those women see kids (e.g., they never seem to understand why someone else's fever means you have to break a date)?

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

Excellent. I have the say that I have never ended a date by telling someone it just wasn't working, and I've never had it said to me. I wouldn't mind it, though.

It's definitely not always easy, especially if I'm interested in seeing the guy again but I'm not sure how he feels. Coming up with the right wording and the right tone to give him an easy "out" while also indicating my interest can take some finesse...sometimes I botch it completely! But it's always worth it, IMO.

There have only been two times when, at the end of the date, the guy wanted to see me again but I wasn't interested. That's the worst, but I feel that manning up (if you will) is way better for both of us. I'm careful about it, and one of the guys told me that he really appreciated my honesty and frankness. (The other guy had built up a relationship in his mind before we even met, and actually cried. Oy.)

In situations where the disinterest was mutual, I could always tell that the guy was relieved when I said, "Thanks for meeting me; have a nice life."

And in those rare situations where the first date is undeniably awesome, what's a better way to end it than by not having to wonder whether you're going to see that person again?

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

I think that women kind of use the fact that it's logged as a hint.

I guess that's the part I don't get. I also don't care whether someone has favorited me, and I kind of hate winks. In fact, those last two tend to negatively affect my opinion of a guy: it's like if he sent a friend over to me at a bar instead of just talking to me himself. If you're interested in me, write to me!

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

Had our second date today, and a 3rd is in the works. See how I worked in that stealth brag? Yeah, I've been at this for a while.

Heh...congrats.

Originally Posted by hermette

I can't believe I forgot to say this - I'm going out for a drink tonight with a guy I saw[1] on Plentyoffish.

How did it go?

Originally Posted by pseudotriton ruber ruber

Quick note to say that it looks like I'll be a lurker rather than a contributor here, for the next bit at least--I finally met someone on OKC who seems to like me and who seems pretty cool herself.

Congrats!

[Cinnamon Imp]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

How did it go?

Ah, it didn't. He unexpectedly had his kid staying overnight, so couldn't make it.

Another time though, hopefully!

[2gigch1]

2544 posts read in less than 24 hours, with not much skimming. Ouch.

To everyone who has posted in this thread (with few exceptions - those who dropped in only to be nasty) I thank you for the eye opening and candid discussions. These are the reasons why I enjoy the Dope so much, I genuinely feel like I've learned something.

Now for some Advil...

[Misnomer]

2gigch1, are you a fellow online dater?

Originally Posted by hermette

Another time though, hopefully!

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you...

[Sicks Ate]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

I think I get that. While someone without children may like kids and understand in a general sort of way that you being a dad will mean X and Y, they won't really know what it means until they date you for a while; someone who already has kids will skip that initial learning curve. Right?

......

Do you find that it's just a learning curve thing (i.e., they're willing/able to "get" it, they just have to adjust), or that it's more about how those women see kids (e.g., they never seem to understand why someone else's fever means you have to break a date)?

I don't really worry about someone having to learn that thee are just things in my life that will have to take priority, or that changes will have to be made at the last minute.

What I really mean is that simply having your own child...I didn't realize it until I had one, but you can't relate if you don't. Even if you are close to friends' children, or nieces/nephews, I just don't think it's the same.

It's one thing to relate a story about your kid to someone without kids of their own. It might seem neat, or cute, or perhaps weird. To someone with their own, particularly if theirs have already been through the same phase, they know exactly what you're talking about.

It also, in my experience, gives you a default to talk about. Not that you want to talk about your kids all the time because that gets old, but you definitely have something in common.

Originally Posted by 2gigch1

2544 posts read in less than 24 hours, with not much skimming. Ouch.

To everyone who has posted in this thread (with few exceptions - those who dropped in only to be nasty) I thank you for the eye opening and candid discussions. These are the reasons why I enjoy the Dope so much, I genuinely feel like I've learned something.

Now for some Advil...

You're welcome, I think. Seems like maybe you were in 'need answer fast' mode?

Just curious, what were some of the major points you picked up?

[2gigch1]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

2gigch1, are you a fellow online dater?

No, not yet. In fact many of my current troubles revolve around re-entering the dating scene too quickly with a huge dash of bad luck / poor decisions which are bringing me to my current state of 2nd divorce. So I intend to be a bit slow & methodical as I re-enter the world again.

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

You're welcome, I think. Seems like maybe you were in 'need answer fast' mode?

Just curious, what were some of the major points you picked up?

Very much thank you to all. No snark.

The bigget thing I saw as I blasted through two years of posts was that long term trends are not apparent in the short term, that certain levels of failure are par for the course but do not represent a lack of self worth, that my intention to ease back in at a pace that I want is the correct thing to do, and that really that life will be waiting for me when I am ready - no need to rush.

Four years ago I was separated on the way to divorce #1 when I began dating, and the first person I got involved with (through involved circumstance - broke my leg, etc..) we ended up together then getting married in Dec. 2009. Never should have happened, hindsight being what it is.

No, there was no needs answer fast. I am sorting through some emotional bs right now so the stories of others remind me I am not alone, life moves on and all will work out. I am a huge optimist at heart, but sometimes I need a little boost. This thread was very helpful that way.

Heck I'll probably start adding my 2 cents at times, I do know a little something about relationships with 15 & 4 year experiences.

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

What I really mean is that simply having your own child...I didn't realize it until I had one, but you can't relate if you don't. Even if you are close to friends' children, or nieces/nephews, I just don't think it's the same.

Oh, it's definitely not the same -- and now I get that that's what you meant by "understanding what it means to have a kid." Thanks for being patient enough to keep explaining!

Originally Posted by 2gigch1

No, there was no needs answer fast. I am sorting through some emotional bs right now so the stories of others remind me I am not alone, life moves on and all will work out. I am a huge optimist at heart, but sometimes I need a little boost.

Stop by any time, and don't be afraid to vent if/when needed. We're good at boosting.


Well, some of us are.

[Sicks Ate]

Originally Posted by 2gigch1

Very much thank you to all. No snark.

The bigget thing I saw as I blasted through two years of posts was that long term trends are not apparent in the short term, that certain levels of failure are par for the course but do not represent a lack of self worth, that my intention to ease back in at a pace that I want is the correct thing to do, and that really that life will be waiting for me when I am ready - no need to rush.

......

No, there was no needs answer fast. I am sorting through some emotional bs right now so the stories of others remind me I am not alone, life moves on and all will work out. I am a huge optimist at heart, but sometimes I need a little boost. This thread was very helpful that way.

Oh, I didn't take it as snark! And the 'need answer fast'...I got the impression that since you read the entire thing in one sitting, you needed info urgently.

Originally Posted by Misnomer

Oh, it's definitely not the same -- and now I get that that's what you meant by "understanding what it means to have a kid." Thanks for being patient enough to keep explaining!
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