My Fiancee is keeping her Surname...

[Malden Capell]

...which I'm totally cool with, but does anybody know what type of conventions there are for naming children?

We both have surnames that sound clumsy when double-barrelled, so we'd rather not go there.

I've contemplated various options - Child A is my surname, Child B hers, A mine again...or boys my surname, girls hers. None of which sound cast-iron to me.

Another I thought of was keeping our own surnames, double-barelling the kids on the birth certificate, but allowing the kids to address themselves with whichever they prefer (which is probably a dumb idea!).

Any thoughts?

[Sierra Indigo]

Could chop and mash the names? Say your surname is Johnson and hers is Carter you could have the kids be Carson (or Johnter).

Decide between you if either of you desire MORE for the child to have their name as a surname, then give all children the same middle name (e.g. the surname of the other parent).

Go for a nordic naming convention and call sons "Maldenson" and daughters "Fianceédottir"

Call them all Bob.

[Mighty_Girl]

Some days I think the Spanish convention of using the father's name followed by the mother's is stupid (what's with all these name? My sis has 5!). Some days I think it is wise.

FTR, we followed the Spanish convention when naming our daughter. Her passport had to be issued three times because the clerk didn't know where all these names went (we did it by mail).

[Lord Mondegreen]

Originally Posted by Sierra Indigo

Call them all Bob.

But informally they will be Kate, which is short for Bob.

[Sierra Indigo]

Originally Posted by Lord Mondegreen

But informally they will be Kate, which is short for Bob.

I think that goes without saying, my good chap.

Nice beard bridesmaid!

[Nava]

Originally Posted by Malden Capell

I've contemplated various options - Child A is my surname, Child B hers, A mine again...or boys my surname, girls hers. None of which sound cast-iron to me.

Christ, no, it'd be a mess for school. It would make your family sound like it's a combination of two, when it actually isn't.

I'd go for parental surname, and I say this as a woman whose culture double-barrels. Since yours doesn't have (I assume) mental, legal or computer spaces for several lastnames, just pick one; paternal will be more in following with the usual custom.

[zagloba]

All the couples I know that have kept their surnames have used the father's surname for the children.

[Malden Capell]

Alas, we're both quite fond and proud of our own surnames, so we both want at least one child each to carry on the names!

This is getting to be a bit tricky, isn't it?

[AK84]

<Yourkidfirstname> <Hersurname>< Yoursurname>. And practically there could be some issues (not major ones mind you) if the kid has a different surname than yours, because school authorities and others might think you are the step father or the flavour of the month.

[grude]

Originally Posted by AK84

<Yourkidfirstname> <Hersurname>< Yoursurname>. And practically there could be some issues (not major ones mind you) if the kid has a different surname than yours, because school authorities and others might think you are the step father or the flavour of the month.

The issues could be pretty bad, I would definitely advise not to give a child a different last name from either parent. You will be creating 18 years of headaches and annoyance, be prepared to have your parentage questioned by all manner of officials and to have to produce birth certificates etc. Any unusual circumstances will just make it worse, like say immigration etc.

Basically you will create doubt anytime you claim to be his parents, why would you want to do this?

[Malden Capell]

Originally Posted by grude

The issues could be pretty bad, I would definitely advise not to give a child a different last name from either parent. You will be creating 18 years of headaches and annoyance, be prepared to have your parentage questioned by all manner of officials and to have to produce birth certificates etc. Any unusual circumstances will just make it worse, like say immigration etc.

Basically you will create doubt anytime you claim to be his parents, why would you want to do this?

But wouldn't it be the same if all the kids had my surname, but not hers? She would have to demonstrate parentage frequently.

[Alice The Goon]

Originally Posted by Malden Capell

But wouldn't it be the same if all the kids had my surname, but not hers? She would have to demonstrate parentage frequently.

Not really. My youngest son has a different surname than I, and I've never been questioned as the boy's mother. It's different with mothers.

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

Originally Posted by Malden Capell

...which I'm totally cool with, but does anybody know what type of conventions there are for naming children?

We both have surnames that sound clumsy when double-barrelled, so we'd rather not go there.

I've contemplated various options - Child A is my surname, Child B hers, A mine again...or boys my surname, girls hers. None of which sound cast-iron to me.

Another I thought of was keeping our own surnames, double-barelling the kids on the birth certificate, but allowing the kids to address themselves with whichever they prefer (which is probably a dumb idea!).

Any thoughts?

We hyphenated the kids, which they've been completely happy with. They also know as adults they can drop a name, no hard feelings. They have used both last names through their lives (both teens now).

We're lucky since oth our names are short and sound good together.

ETA: in 17+ years since my oldest was born, we have never a sidewise look or problem from any type of official questioning our connection to the kids. The hyphenation has been a nonissue for all of us, and we talk about it with the kids a lot over the years to make sure they're ok.

[grude]

Originally Posted by Malden Capell

But wouldn't it be the same if all the kids had my surname, but not hers? She would have to demonstrate parentage frequently.

Its not that unusual for women to keep their maiden name, but how many kids do you know that have neither their mother or father's surname?

Basically every single "gatekeeper" will wonder WTF is up with that? Even if they don't verbalize it they will think it, it isn't right and doesn't make sense it is just how things are.

[AK84]

Its different with women. You expect to see kiddies with women. Not the case with guys as such I had problems convincing a humourless official that my same last name nephew was properly with me.
ETA: IvoryTowerDenizen case appears to be one like what I suggested. People are used to seeing maternal paternal surname combo (hyphen or not).

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

Originally Posted by grude

Its not that unusual for women to keep their maiden name, but how many kids do you know that have neither their mother or father's surname?

Basically every single "gatekeeper" will wonder WTF is up with that? Even if they don't verbalize it they will think it, it isn't right and doesn't make sense it is just how things are.

Originally Posted by AK84

Its different with women. You expect to see kiddies with women. Not the case with guys as such I had problems convincing a humourless official that my same last name nephew was properly with me.

That's not been my husband's or my experience.

[Sierra Indigo]

I think that if you're both really attached to your names, the only "fair" way really is hyphenated. I mean, theoretically it's great if you have a boy and a girl and each gets one of your names, or whatever combination you want - but what if you only end up having one kid for whatever reason?

[Maastricht]

About a decade ago, Dutch law made it possible for parents to choose either the fathers surname or the mothers surname for their kids. Before that, they got the fathers surname the moment he either married the mom or legally acknowledged the baby as his.

But the choice could only be made once: all siblings have the same surname.

Most commonly nowadays, the kids stil get the fathers surname, while the mother keeps her own surname as that is her "brand name" in her job and because it is the modern and emancipated thing to do.

So Dutch daycares and schools are quite used to mrs Smith presenting herself to be the mom of little Mickey Johnson.

Holland does not have the freedom Americans have to choose or change their legal name at will. Name changes are a lenghty bureaucratic process and are only granted if there is a good reason. You had better be named mr Nudeborn or Mr Tsjiuaxyeng if you apply for a name change here.

[Broomstick]

Originally Posted by Malden Capell

Another I thought of was keeping our own surnames, double-barelling the kids on the birth certificate, but allowing the kids to address themselves with whichever they prefer (which is probably a dumb idea!).

Any thoughts?

If it's on the birth certificate then it's official - don't burden the kids with a "double-barrel". Pick one surname.

There aren't really conventions for this. You have to decide what to do.

[grude]

Originally Posted by IvoryTowerDenizen

That's not been my husband's or my experience.

Where do you live? It probably does make a difference in how your life experience goes, not all parts of the world care about being politically correct. In most parts of the US a man can expect a lot of shit when trying to take his wife's last name, I've seen blog posts about it, compared to women where its no big deal.

My wife has her parentage questioned all the fucking time by everyone from hospital staff to police when I had a medical emergency("whose white child is this?") so there is no way in hell we'd want to compound that with whimsical surnames with no connection to either of us. Your location and cultural situation may differ.

EDIT:Why doesn't the OP if it is easy and possible in his location hyphenate his last name along with his fiancee when they get married, and then the kids will share it?

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

Originally Posted by Broomstick

If it's on the birth certificate then it's official - don't burden the kids with a "double-barrel". Pick one surname.

There aren't really conventions for this. You have to decide what to do.

It's not been a burden to our family. In fact my sons two close friends over the years each had hyphenated last names as well, the families talk about how it's been. These other two families don't report anything unusual or particularly burdensome. People just refer to us as the Name-Name family and everyone knows who belongs.

In addition, my son has had two male teachers with hyphenated last names, so the kids have had lots of examples of families like ours. We've lived in MO, CA and now CT with no problems, my husband has flown on planes with my kids alone and has had no problems etc.

It's just been a nonevent and frankly only positive to us. We really don't care if they drop a name come adulthood.

[Nava]

Originally Posted by grude

The issues could be pretty bad, I would definitely advise not to give a child a different last name from either parent. You will be creating 18 years of headaches and annoyance, be prepared to have your parentage questioned by all manner of officials and to have to produce birth certificates etc. Any unusual circumstances will just make it worse, like say immigration etc.

Basically you will create doubt anytime you claim to be his parents, why would you want to do this?

Actually, what AK84 proposes is something which the Brits (I understand it's very common for the Scots) copied from the Portuguese and which is quite common in the US as well: in English it's called "using the mother's lastname as a middle name" and it gave us a lot of firstnames which are common nowadays in the US but which started life as lastnames. In Portuguese it's called "having two lastnames, maternal first".

[Typo Knig]

My cousin and her husband agreed to have any boys take his surname and any girls take hers. If case you needed another option

Here in Northern Virginia USA the schools are very used to kids surnames being different that at least one parent's. Sometimes I think we're the unusual family since Mama Zappa, our kids, and I all use the same surname.

[Broomstick]

Originally Posted by IvoryTowerDenizen

It's just been a nonevent and frankly only positive to us. We really don't care if they drop a name come adulthood.

Could you tell my bank that? I'm currently changing my bank because the one I've had for years was sold and the new owners don't comprehend hyphens. They're constantly f'ing up my name on paperwork and giving me a stink when I tell them to correct it. You WILL use my legal name on legal documents!

I swear, if one more biddy asks me "but which is your LAST name?" I'm going to get stabby. THEY'RE BOTH MY LAST NAME! Oh, and the people who insist "no, that's your MIDDLE name..." No, dumbass, I know what my name is!

When I went to apply for a government job requiring security clearance some time back the interviewer asked me what "other names" I've used in my life. I gave them. He went away, then came back, calling me into a room, then laid down a sheet of paper with at least a dozen variants of my name and asked me to explain myself, emphasized withholding info was a bad thing, etc. I told him mass-marketers were morons who didn't understand that one can lack a middle name and have a hyphenated surname. Other people have tried to label me with those, but I have only used this (much shorter) list of maiden name and current name.

Granted, it's getting better, but seriously, people I'm tired of this bullshit and if changing my name yet again wouldn't just add to the hassle I'd do it.

[kanicbird]

It is becoming more common and accepted to have various last names within the family, though it is not without issues that you will have to deal with for what seems like a very long time.

My thoughts, which some consider insightful, is for you and her to plan a trip somewhere different that will give you and her time together as well as a goal in mind, something to accomplish in that trip and something that will take the entire trip to work together to accomplish (such as a hiking trip, where you want to traverse a certain route, but it can be anything). A goal that will require both your and her skills and efforts. The trip purpose, outside of the goal (in the example hiking the route), it should have another goal that both should know and agree ahead of time, of talking and seeking a solution to the question you posed with both of you working together to come up with the solution that works for you and her together. As you work together towards the physical goal you should hopefully come together on the answer to your question.

Good Luck

[Broomstick]

Or, you know, they could just sit down and discuss the pros and cons like adults....

Seriously, "go take a trip" is not a good way to answer most of life's problems.

[Dangerosa]

Originally Posted by zagloba

All the couples I know that have kept their surnames have used the father's surname for the children.

Same, some use the mother's name as a middle name.

We used my husband's last name. Mine will be "lost" to this line of the family with this generation.

[Dangerosa]

By the way, we've never had an issue with different last names in the family. And my son is Korean while the rest of us are white. It really isn't a big deal in this day and age where you have women who kept their last name, foster kids, blended families.....

If I let it be a big deal and threw a fit every time a teacher addressed me as Mrs. Kidslastname, I might feel differently. But I'm fine with people calling me that and if I have to do something legal, that is when I correct them.

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

Originally Posted by Broomstick

Could you tell my bank that? I'm currently changing my bank because the one I've had for years was sold and the new owners don't comprehend hyphens. They're constantly f'ing up my name on paperwork and giving me a stink when I tell them to correct it. You WILL use my legal name on legal documents!

I swear, if one more biddy asks me "but which is your LAST name?" I'm going to get stabby. THEY'RE BOTH MY LAST NAME! Oh, and the people who insist "no, that's your MIDDLE name..." No, dumbass, I know what my name is!

When I went to apply for a government job requiring security clearance some time back the interviewer asked me what "other names" I've used in my life. I gave them. He went away, then came back, calling me into a room, then laid down a sheet of paper with at least a dozen variants of my name and asked me to explain myself, emphasized withholding info was a bad thing, etc. I told him mass-marketers were morons who didn't understand that one can lack a middle name and have a hyphenated surname. Other people have tried to label me with those, but I have only used this (much shorter) list of maiden name and current name.

Granted, it's getting better, but seriously, people I'm tired of this bullshit and if changing my name yet again wouldn't just add to the hassle I'd do it.

That's sounds really awful. Our bank is cool with it- both kids have accounts linked to ours- and there has been no problems.

[Typo Knig]

Mama Zappa kept her maiden name for a while after we married. One great side affect - when someone called and ask if I were Mr. Zappa, I knew they were a telemarketer. Our friends and family all knew I was Mr. Knig, married to Ms. Zappa.

That was before caller ID was widely available, but anything that lets me cut off telemarketers is a good thing.

A friend of mine has her Batchelor's degree in her maiden name, her Master's in her married name, and her Doctorate in her second married name. Another source of confusion in life.

[Dr. Drake]

I have friends whose child has a really long double-barrelled surname (five syllables, 14 letters + hyphen, names from different languages that sound a bit awkward together). They're fine with it, kid is fine with it, and again they all have the understanding that she can change it however she likes (one or the other, both, neither) when she's an adult. Most of the problems were social rather than practical.

Broomstick, I feel your pain. I've had the same problem: I don't care how many government forms use name X, that's an abbreviation of my name that I've never used, and I'm not claiming it.

[gwendee]

Originally Posted by Malden Capell

But wouldn't it be the same if all the kids had my surname, but not hers? She would have to demonstrate parentage frequently.

Not that so much as school staff will routinely call her Mrs. Yourlastname.

[Anaamika]

I say go right ahead and hyphenate but give the girls mom's last name and the boys dad's last name. Yes it will be confusing but as long as you are prepared to deal with it why not? Why don't girls get to pass on their names? I am past the idea of changing names anyway.

Anyway things will only change if people change them. I think it's not my problem if everyone is comfortable with a certain way and I want to do it differently, provided I am willing to take on the additional burden of explaining it.

[raspberry hunter]

Our Little One has middle name and last name [MyLastName] [HisLastName]. I'd like the next kid we have (if any) to have middle name and last name [HisLastName] [MyLastName], though that'll be an uphill battle. We've never had any problems, but then again my last name is part of her name, so it would be pretty hard for someone to raise a stink, really. I do get called Mrs. [HisLastName] sometimes, but I don't really care as long as they call me by my correct last name at work.

I did have to overcome my husband's strong preference for a non-surname middle name; I had to give a bunch of examples of my friends with surname middle names before he agreed.

ETA: One of my friends did the combining-names thing, in such a way that it's obvious that the names combined are hers and her husband's.

[Barkis is Willin']

Originally Posted by Malden Capell

But wouldn't it be the same if all the kids had my surname, but not hers? She would have to demonstrate parentage frequently.

No. I only know one couple where the wife kept her surname and the kids all have his last name. It works out just fine. I would recommend the kids all have the same last name, one way or the other. Mixing and matching surnames does not seem like a good idea. They'll have to explain the whole episode every time someone asks about their siblings. Her (or your) surname as a middle name seems ok. I'm not fan of hyphenating, but it's better than multiple surnames for the children.

[mnemosyne]

Legally, in Québec, each spouse keeps their surname for all official purposes (I could have taken my husband's last name socially, but all my identification/credit papers etc must remain in my name). There is no free name change with marriage - changing a spouse's name would require the same process and fees that any random person would have to go through if he or she wanted to change their names.

It is common for kids to have hyphenated last names, or simply to take the father's last name. Legally, kids of hyphenated people can only have two of the four names as theirs, so the hyphens don't get too crazy.

Society hasn't crumbled (though our overpasses are) and there aren't many issues with parents and kids having different last names.

What we plan to do is have my surname as a middle name and give any kids we might have my husband's last name, because my surname is kind of a name and his last name is way more awesome than mine.

Legally giving the kids both allows the kid to choose the one he or she wants to be known as when they grow up. My cousin used her father's name in high school, but grew up to use her mother's name professionally and she doesn't have to deal with any paperwork over it as both names are hers.

[Typo Knig]

And the name hassle thing - these days everyone has to spell their name all the time anyway. Ask my friend Anne - with an e, dammit!

[Procrustus]

Originally Posted by AK84

<Yourkidfirstname> <Hersurname>< Yoursurname>. And practically there could be some issues (not major ones mind you) if the kid has a different surname than yours, because school authorities and others might think you are the step father or the flavour of the month.

My ex and I did it that way. now, many years later, my oldest is dropping <mysurname> for most purposes, because she likes the sound of it better. My youngest is commonly dropping both and going with <firstname><middlename>.



By the way, I've never had any problems with having a different name than my stepdaughter, at school or otherwise. I think most Americans are pretty used to all kinds of combinations of names and don't give it a thought.

[Twoflower]

As a person of Irish heritage, with a last name starting with O', I strongly recommend against hyphens, or any other punctuation marks. Too many computer systems can't handle them. A hyphenated name will end up being squashed into one, or the first part treated as a middle name, causing all sorts of confusion. Not worth the trouble.

[Alice The Goon]

Don't hyphenate if your names are Fagan and Dyke, like one couple I know!

[The Hamster King]

Originally Posted by Sierra Indigo

Could chop and mash the names? Say your surname is Johnson and hers is Carter you could have the kids be Carson (or Johnter).

I would advise against this. A friend of my wife's and her husband decided that instead of giving their kids either one of their names, or hyphenating, they would give the kids a completely different last name that had a distant connection to both their families.

It's been a hassle. It's involved several trips before a judge and has caused trouble at school and when they've traveled. Official channels are set up to handle kids whose surname matches at least one parent's, and if you break that pattern there's fallout.

[Boyo Jim]

If you want to go with probabilities, the odds are that you'll be divorced at some point and the kids will be living with her, do you could just go with that and give them your wife's last name.

[JohnT]

Originally Posted by Malden Capell

...which I'm totally cool with, but does anybody know what type of conventions there are for naming children?

We both have surnames that sound clumsy when double-barrelled, so we'd rather not go there.

I've contemplated various options - Child A is my surname, Child B hers, A mine again...or boys my surname, girls hers. None of which sound cast-iron to me.

Another I thought of was keeping our own surnames, double-barelling the kids on the birth certificate, but allowing the kids to address themselves with whichever they prefer (which is probably a dumb idea!).

Any thoughts?

Sophia has my last name, not her mothers. This was decided pre-child, pre-marriage, hell, pre-engagement.

[JohnT]

Originally Posted by Malden Capell

But wouldn't it be the same if all the kids had my surname, but not hers? She would have to demonstrate parentage frequently.

I just asked my wife and she said she never had to prove she's Sophia's mother because their last names are different.

[Dangerosa]

Originally Posted by JohnT

I just asked my wife and she said she never had to prove she's Sophia's mother because their last names are different.

We had an issue ONCE, and it was very brief. And I don't think it had anything to do with last names, I think it was the racial mismatch. It was a TSA agent (yeah, I know) and my son was old enough to say "duh, I'm adopted, yes, that is my mother."

[even sven]

I think you guys are vastly overestimating how often people in the modern world use last names to make judgements about the child based on what they imagine the parents' sex life to be like. Those days are over. People have all kinds of names for all kinds of reasons.

[Little Nemo]

My personal opinion would be against the idea of splitting the kids up by surnames. It seems too likely to lead to future feelings of "Dad chose me but he didn't choose you".

[Little Nemo]

Originally Posted by Malden Capell

But wouldn't it be the same if all the kids had my surname, but not hers? She would have to demonstrate parentage frequently.

It's never been an issue for my sister. All three of her kids have their father's surname.

[Taomist]

It's a good thing Mr. Tao and I aren't having any children: When we married, I noticed on the certificate that we were able to choose whatever names we wanted of each other's, so...I took his last name for my middle name. Even the clerk didn't believe me and tried to make it a double-barrelled last name <yes, we're near Mexico, and the only pamphlet they gave me was in spanish; why do you ask? > until I gave back the paperwork 3 times, insisting that I no longer wanted my unimportant, boring middle name and wanted his last name there instead.

Hey, if they didn't want to do it they shouldn't have made it an option. :P

But yeah, kids would be...aww hell. Probably name them all John Doe just to keep it simple.

[Stendhal Syndrome]

Our kids have both our last names...mine first and then the hubby's.
We are fans of long names so our girls also have two word first names then my maternal grandmothers first name as their middle name and then both our last names.
Yeah...
If our second one would've been a boy, then he would've had paternal grandpa's first name as his middle name.