The Downside of Cohabitating Before Marriage

[JKellyMap]

ETA: In other words, a missing statistical category is "good marriages which never took place". Impossible to measure a hypothetical like this directly, of course, but maybe you could get at it by asking people who married late in life (perhaps late to do something they wanted to do, e.g., have kids), or never married at all, about their regrets, if any.

But regrets about what didn't happen isn't the same as the (unknowable) what WOULD have happened, so I guess that's not such a good proxy measure, after all.

[Odesio]

Originally Posted by Clothahump

SWMBO and I just celebrated our 19th anniversary together. We aren't married, although the offer has been on the table for a long time. The issue is that she's Catholic and takes it seriously. She'd have to get an annulment and that means she'd have to have contact her ex-husband and the only way she wants to do that is with a sharp knife in her hand.

Isn't she committing adultery according to RCC rules and regulations?

[gamerunknown]

Originally Posted by Odesio

Isn't she committing adultery according to RCC rules and regulations?

According to the RCC, yes. According to the Bible, only Clothahump is committing adultery (presumably) because he's lusting after a woman in his own heart and he's taken apart a relationship that was made one flesh. It's funny the level of cognitive dissonance a Catholic can use to justify their own indiscretions while maligning those of others.

For instance, I know someone vigorously opposed to gay marriage for textual reasons and he claims he doesn't want any government recognition of marriage. However, he married a divorcee and is thus regularly committing adultery by the standards of Jesus. Not to mention he registered his marriage with the state.

[Really Not All That Bright]

I don't think a study like this tells us much unless it corrects for religious or cultural influences. My parents and in-laws were faintly horrified when my (now wife) and I moved in together, but they were over it in about 10 minutes. By the same token, they'd be upset, but hardly in a conservative-social-values frenzy, if we were to divorce. The parents that would be are the ones who would be equally frenzied about cohabitation, and that means people who will cohabit are the sort who don't think divorce is eeevil.

Originally Posted by Anaamika

Because divorce is essentially removed as a possibility? The gossip and bad reputation Indian women get from divorcing amongst their own community I've seen, and it's nasty. And that's just here in the States. And I must also beg to differ that your "mother has thoughtfully chosen a spouse for you..." sometimes, sure, but like any institution it's ripe for abuse. Perhaps what mom thinks is good for you isn't. Perhaps she thinks only to marry you off to a rich doctor, never minding if you are compatible in the long run or not.

Indeed, one need only look at the stated criteria for arranged marriages to see that they're less about making your kids happy and more about making sure their spouses are socially acceptable. Granted, the kids almost invariably have veto power, but it's not as though Mum and Dad are filtering brides through 29 dimensions of compatibility or something.

"Tall?"
"Fair skinned?"
"Educated? And by that I mean at least one graduate degree, darling."
"Right caste?"
"Okay, he'll do."

Originally Posted by Dangerosa

I think its - non-judgmentally - very odd. I imagine some of the women I know who met their husbands a few days before the wedding - spent a few weeks in India with the family - then left and came here where they knew no one except that guy they met three weeks ago and married. From my Western perspective, I always think it must be emotionally trying, but I get the feeling when I express this that I'm being naive.....

Well, you have to keep in mind one thing: the sort of Indians you know are generally going to be well-educated professionals with significant earning potential. We're not talking about mail-order brides who will be locked into the marriage by fear of penury. When my parents divorced (they were a "love match", for what it's worth), my mother wasn't exactly destitute, being able to fall back on her career as an anaesthetist (anesthesiologist).