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  #51  
Old 05-03-2012, 04:11 PM
Khadaji Khadaji is offline
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I have heard several times: You're XX age and have never been married, what's wrong with you. I have always responded with: You've been married twice - what's wrong with you.

(Oddly, no one who has ever asked me that was only married once.)
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  #52  
Old 05-03-2012, 05:40 PM
Scribble Scribble is online now
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Tell them, " I can't help it. I was born that way."
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  #53  
Old 05-03-2012, 09:11 PM
Beware of Doug Beware of Doug is offline
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Nobody asks me this. I think they pretty much figure it out at sight.
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  #54  
Old 05-03-2012, 09:14 PM
Ambivalid Ambivalid is offline
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"I poop my pants."
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  #55  
Old 05-03-2012, 09:22 PM
pudytat72 pudytat72 is offline
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My son says in regards to women in physics: The odds are good. . .but the goods are odd.
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  #56  
Old 05-03-2012, 09:26 PM
Inner Stickler Inner Stickler is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambivalid View Post
"I poop my pants."
For best effect say this after unfocusing your eyes and making a slight straining sound.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Boyo Jim View Post
I explain how, by not having children, I am doing more to preserve the Earth's environment and resources than anyone who has kids -- so I can enjoy my gasoline-powered small appliances without any guilt.
Oh, sure the shredder makes a lot of exhaust but you should see it eat through a ream of paper!
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  #57  
Old 05-03-2012, 09:29 PM
River Hippie River Hippie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
I never get asked this question. I guess in my case, it's just obvious.
Yep, me too!
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  #58  
Old 05-03-2012, 10:53 PM
Satchmo Satchmo is offline
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"It is neither a mistake nor an accident that I live alone."

That usually shuts them up.
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  #59  
Old 05-03-2012, 11:00 PM
Eva Luna Eva Luna is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Acsenray View Post
A friend of mine uses this one: "Because I still like shtupping goyim."
I like that answer. But then, hey, I married one
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  #60  
Old 05-03-2012, 11:04 PM
living_in_hell living_in_hell is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satchmo View Post
"It is neither a mistake nor an accident that I live alone."

That usually shuts them up.
I think it's interesting how the general assumption is that being single is something that happens TO someone instead of something that someone would CHOOSE.
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  #61  
Old 05-03-2012, 11:26 PM
even sven even sven is online now
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I used to go with playful "it's too much work!", or the truthful "I'm just not at that point in my life where it feels right to settle down. Maybe in a few years I'll meet someone."

Another classic is the "Well, you've got to find the right guy first, don't you?"
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  #62  
Old 05-04-2012, 12:05 AM
astro astro is offline
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My sentient penis fights crime all night, and by the time the sun rises it's too exhausted for me to have a relationship.
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  #63  
Old 05-04-2012, 01:38 AM
Bad News Baboon Bad News Baboon is offline
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"Because it's just too much fun being a serial killer! Mwahahahaha." ;-)
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  #64  
Old 05-04-2012, 04:15 AM
StJoan StJoan is offline
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"Because I am happy with my life, the way it is."
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  #65  
Old 05-04-2012, 04:23 AM
Sleeps With Butterflies Sleeps With Butterflies is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Antigen View Post
I'd use this if the question was being asked jokingly or sarcastically.

If it was an honest question from a well-meaning nosy aunt, I'd say something like "I've still got a little of the last one in the freezer, but I'll be looking for a fresh one soon. Keep your eye out for me."
Like it!

Depends on the person. Maybe a shifty look to the left and right and then lean in and whisper or mouth "They keep dying on me" or a big smile and "By careful design" and leave it at that.
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  #66  
Old 05-04-2012, 06:06 AM
Gyrate Gyrate is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inner Stickler View Post
Oh, sure the shredder makes a lot of exhaust but you should see it eat through a ream of paper!
On this tangent, I once made a paper shredder explode. Apparently lubricating the gears with WD-40 is a really bad idea.
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  #67  
Old 05-04-2012, 07:05 AM
FairyChatMom FairyChatMom is offline
I'm nice, dammit!
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I had an aunt who was really bothered that I was single so long. She was always asking whether I was dating anyone. I'm pretty sure she thought I joined the Navy because I was a lesbian. So after I eloped and brought my husband to meet the family, this aunt had such a look of disapproval, bordering on disgust, it absolutely shocked me.

It may or may not be connected, but both of her daughters had unsuccessful first marriages, altho they did seem to find lasting spouses on their next go-rounds, while my husband and I are in our 29th year together.
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  #68  
Old 05-04-2012, 07:23 AM
Smeghead Smeghead is online now
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"Court order"
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  #69  
Old 05-04-2012, 07:34 AM
Broomstick Broomstick is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DianaG View Post
Ah, the dreaded and inevitable "So how is it that you're single?" In answer I'd long been using "Because I'm all set for small appliances." but today in the face of a particularly annoying questioner I went with "Because David Foster Wallace is dead, David Sedaris is gay, and everyone else is boring."

How do you typically answer?
"I'm married - just because I don't have a ring it doesn't mean I'm single."
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  #70  
Old 05-04-2012, 07:37 AM
Lsura Lsura is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satchmo View Post
"It is neither a mistake nor an accident that I live alone."

That usually shuts them up.
I like this. I'm sure my family members who like to push about the single issue will think it rude. I'm not sure I care.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Beware of Doug View Post
Nobody asks me this. I think they pretty much figure it out at sight.

There's something wrong with this picture? because I'm not seeing it.
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  #71  
Old 05-04-2012, 08:11 AM
DianaG DianaG is offline
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Not everyone is into public sax.
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  #72  
Old 05-04-2012, 09:19 AM
Bob Ducca Bob Ducca is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambivalid View Post
"I poop my pants."
Ok, can we be friends now?
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  #73  
Old 05-04-2012, 09:49 AM
Ibanez Ibanez is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twickster View Post
"Just lucky, I guess."
I love that one. I have to remember that. Once I replied " Because I'm a closeted homosexual" then grin. Left it up to her to decide whether I was serious or not.
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  #74  
Old 05-04-2012, 11:00 AM
salinqmind salinqmind is offline
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"It's not that I haven't tried. I've TRIED. Do you have ANY idea what's available out there???" followed by several sterling examples of close calls with psychos, married men, comic book fanatics, sci-fi fanatics, obese losers living in mom's basement, guys who spit on the street, alcoholics, dope fiends, any of a number of tragic blind dates....

"You're too picky, young lady!" That's what always got me, I'm "too picky", as if I'm holding out for a 30 year old male fashion model who owns a castle in Spain and fosters kittens and puppies in his penthouse apartment when he's not flying me to Paris for the weekend.

"There are a LOT of "nice guys" out there!" Oh-oh. I have to explain I cannot buddy up to another warm body for the sole reason he is a "nice guy" and therefore unlikely to beat me up or steal my car. And your idea of a nice guy clashes with mine, anyway.

Well, eventually I showed 'em all and flabbergasted everybody by getting married before some vague sell-by date. But I remember that question. Like really, what else are you going to say?
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  #75  
Old 05-04-2012, 11:33 AM
Dr. Woo Dr. Woo is offline
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I used to mutter something about the "terms of my parole . . . "
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  #76  
Old 05-04-2012, 12:27 PM
Terra1041 Terra1041 is offline
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Because I'm lesbian.

It's a lot harder for homosexuals to find prospective partners because there are a lot fewer of us.
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  #77  
Old 05-04-2012, 12:40 PM
Satchmo Satchmo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by salinqmind View Post
... psychos, ... sci-fi fanatics,
Hey, be nice now.
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  #78  
Old 05-04-2012, 12:44 PM
The Second Stone The Second Stone is offline
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I'm familiar with the spousal and child support laws.

I cannot find a suitable woman who wants a trophy husband.
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  #79  
Old 05-04-2012, 01:00 PM
Robot Arm Robot Arm is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satchmo View Post
Hey, be nice now.
Yeah, the psychos might object to being grouped in with the rest of them.*





* Okay, with the rest of "us".
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  #80  
Old 05-04-2012, 01:33 PM
salinqmind salinqmind is offline
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Conversely: "I'm into earlier Star Wars and can't get with the newer ones"...actually got into a big argument with a guy while dating because I didn't want to go see the pod-racing one yet AGAIN!

Last edited by salinqmind; 05-04-2012 at 01:34 PM..
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  #81  
Old 05-04-2012, 02:04 PM
Voyager Voyager is offline
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"My imaginary ghost lover is jealous"

or

"Given the Mormons, I'm trying to keep the average partner count to 1."

(Yes I know, I know.)
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  #82  
Old 05-04-2012, 02:47 PM
BMalion BMalion is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by salinqmind View Post
Conversely: "I'm into earlier Star Wars and can't get with the newer ones"...actually got into a big argument with a guy while dating because I didn't want to go see the pod-racing one yet AGAIN!


Marry me.

I can only offer you a life of misery and deciet, but you'd have me, and you can't put a price on that.


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  #83  
Old 05-04-2012, 04:29 PM
Left Hand of Dorkness Left Hand of Dorkness is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snickers View Post
You blend your margaritas?! Heathen!

I only like the traditional . . . ones anyway - don't have much time for the fruity ones.
I'm trying to figure out whether the second sentence follows the first, or whether it answers the OP's question.

Last edited by Left Hand of Dorkness; 05-04-2012 at 04:30 PM.. Reason: [ellipsis added on edit]
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  #84  
Old 05-04-2012, 08:11 PM
Ambivalid Ambivalid is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob Ducca View Post
Ok, can we be friends now?


Sure. I told ya a while back you had grown on me.
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  #85  
Old 05-04-2012, 08:21 PM
Yumblie Yumblie is offline
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I guess no one goes with the obvious answer?

"I'm not dating anyone."

Too literal?
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  #86  
Old 05-05-2012, 01:27 AM
Lok Lok is offline
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My answer is "I am very picky about the women I am attracted to. Unfortunately for me, the women I am attracted to are very picky about the men they will date."
__________________
Lok
----------------
"I am madly in love with Lok and wish to have his beautiful children. I also wish to leave my entire (quite subsantial) estate to him when I die, which might now be quite suddenly." - auRa
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  #87  
Old 05-05-2012, 02:00 AM
Rachellelogram Rachellelogram is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beware of Doug View Post
Nobody asks me this. I think they pretty much figure it out at sight.
Nice alto! How old is your horn?
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  #88  
Old 05-05-2012, 10:40 AM
What the .... ?!?! What the .... ?!?! is offline
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Be honest and point them to the SDMB where it is quite obvious. (Smiley that isn't offered in Quick Reply).
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  #89  
Old 05-05-2012, 12:06 PM
vivalostwages vivalostwages is offline
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How is it that so many horrible, mean, stupid, dull people manage to get married?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seriously, I used to think that getting married was some kind of accomplishment.
Now I know better.

(Disclaimer: I am in no way saying that all married folks are awful--just in case anybody reads what I said the wrong way.)

Also, the only men who pay much attention to me these days are old enough to be my grandfather. Really.
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  #90  
Old 05-05-2012, 12:07 PM
vivalostwages vivalostwages is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beware of Doug View Post
Nobody asks me this. I think they pretty much figure it out at sight.
I wouldn't mind having you play at my next luau.
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  #91  
Old 05-05-2012, 04:42 PM
Tixenfleaz Tixenfleaz is offline
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"Because I'm good at it!"

And I was, too.
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  #92  
Old 05-07-2012, 08:57 AM
Sparky812 Sparky812 is offline
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/slight hijack

My other peeve is that people ask me for dating advice because I dated alot of women throughout my 20 years or so as a batchelor.
Why are you asking the guy with dozens of failed relationships for advice? If I knew some kind of secret, don't you think that I would use it myself?

The best advice I have is.... they're all crazy, you just need to find the crazy you can deal with.
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