What old-fashioned name should I use for this purpose?

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

I publish a company newsletter. It has been printed on paper for many years, but will soon be delivered electronically via email. Few people know about the change; most will learn of it when they receive and open the next issue from their inbox.

On page one I plan on putting in a text box, in a large goofy font:

Q: HEY! WHERE IS MY PAPER COPY?!?

A: Welcome to the 21st century, (name)! (followed by a save-the-trees/efficiency explanation of the many advantages of this sort of distribution).

I am stuck, though, as how to fill in the (name) part. I'm thinking something along the lines of Gertrude or Nellie, but I am thinking there is a better choice that I am missing.

I obviously want to connote that the person questioning the move is behind the times, a luddite, maybe someone whose mind is still in the stone age.

Anyway, I think you get the idea. Any suggestions?

Thanks!

mmm

[Zeldar]

If I get your main point, I would suggest using whatever name you have currently and modifying it to sound more "with it" than the old name.

For instance, if you'd been calling it "Flambert's Doings" you could try "Flambert Tweets Another One" or something along those lines.

Well, you did ask for ideas!

[steronz]

I'd go Amish. Jedediah or something.

[kmshrader]

I'm going to second Flambert, because that's just great.

A couple others: Clyde, Milburn, Elmer.
If you want female: Esther, Minnie, Agnes, Mavis.

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

Just make sure it's not someone's real name on your distribution list!


Archibald or Agatha

[Zeldar]

Originally Posted by IvoryTowerDenizen

Just make sure it's not someone's real name on your distribution list!


Archibald or Agatha

Right you are! For assistance there, check the recent thread on "Given Names: What Were They Thinking?"

[Bad News Baboon]

Prudence.

[Oakminster]

I would be less than amused to be insulted by a company newsletter. Particularly one that is changing formats and seems overly proud of itself for doing so.

That said, if you insist on going forward with what I consider a bad idea, maybe Methuselah, or Rip Van Winkle.

[Ethilrist]

Captain America.

[iftheresaway]

Phineas. No question.

[The Other Waldo Pepper]

McFly.

[Jenaroph]

Originally Posted by Mean Mr. Mustard

I obviously want to connote that the person questioning the move is behind the times, a luddite, maybe someone whose mind is still in the stone age.

"Welcome to the 21st century, Stoneage McLuddite!" Bonus: Nobody on your mailing list will be insulted by you using their actual name.

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

Originally Posted by Oakminster

I would be less than amused to be insulted by a company newsletter. Particularly one that is changing formats and seems overly proud of itself for doing so.

Are you serious?

Does anyone else feel this way?


mmm

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

Poll created to gauge offensiveness.


mmm

[ZenBeam]

I replied in your poll, but I'll say it here, too. If you do this, don't use any name. Any name you put in makes the statement more denigrating. Just use "Welcome to the 21st century!".

[Oakminster]

Originally Posted by Mean Mr. Mustard

Are you serious?

Does anyone else feel this way?


mmm

Well, it's not a "pistols at dawn" level offense, but I do find it mildly insulting. Pretty much any of the names suggested could be replaced with "Dumbass" while still conveying the same sentiment, and I suspect some might read it that way.

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

Hmmm...based on the (early) poll results, I am definitely re-considering going this route.

Thanks for pointing it out, Oakminster.


mmm

[DCnDC]

If you still want old-timey names, I asked a similar question once and got a few hundred old-fashioned names.

[Little Nemo]

Some old biblical name perhaps, like Ezekiel or Hezekiah.

[Gagundathar]

I have to say that this is what real adult-level dialogue looks like.
Kudos to everyone for such a useful exchange!

[Peter Morris]

Originally Posted by Mean Mr. Mustard

I obviously want to connote that the person questioning the move is behind the times, a luddite, maybe someone whose mind is still in the stone age.

So why not Ludd, then?

[Becky2844]

If you start it with Whoa! Where's my paper copy? then Nellie would sound right.

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

It's decided, I'm not going to do it. I really appreciate all the input.

(for the record, I do like Jethro )

mmm

[Zeldar]

Originally Posted by Peter Morris

So why not Ludd, then?

Alan Ludd

[Eliahna]

Albert Q. Luddite
Herbert Steamengine
Archibald Henry Oldtimer
Edgar Last-Century
Richmond Progress Jones

[cherry]

Hortence

[Max Torque]

Eustace
Adlai
Bushrod
Methuselah
Throckmorton
Phineas J. Stovebottomtop

[robert_columbia]

Matilda, or its variants Maude or Tilly, as in the "Aunt Tilly Test".

What about a title or relationship instead, such as "Welcome to the 21st century, <grandma, mom, auntie, nana, etc.>..." that brings forth an image of someone who might not be on top of the latest trends?

[kittenblue]

Originally Posted by Mean Mr. Mustard

Are you serious?

Does anyone else feel this way?


mmm

yes