A nerd walks into several bars and an apartment

[MichaelEmouse]

The events described took place from 2100 hours on May 19th to 0500 hours on May 20th.

I get to the first bar at around 2145 hours. Looks like a college bar with no TVs. I walk by.

I go to the bar I went last time. Ian isn't there. It turns out that young women in bars seem to be loud and fond of their cell phones.

The TVs show a hockey match. Too bad. I order a zombie. Bartender doesn't know how to make one. We improvise one.

There is a guy sitting across from me who orders a glass of wine and looks at the TVs. Through my time there, I never see him looking my way. Guess he really does want to watch TV alone in a bar while drinking a glass of wine. Or at least he doesn't want anyone around to get closer.
I half listen to the man and woman, apparently on a date, one chair from me. The conversation (which is mainly hers) does not capture my interest.
I leave, slightly pissed that a badly made zombie cost me 12$ + a 2$ tip.



I see a nightclub and decide to go in. I go to the basement and see one high heeled shoe on the wooden floor. Strange.
The decor is a mix of Far East elements, modern and general warmish colors. I see one area where people are paying to get in. It seems to be a dancing floor. I go up to the ground floor and see people dancing. Now quite sure why people pay downstairs. I'm too cheap to pay just to find out since it's likely just more dancing anyway. I exit.


I walk some more to another bar which seems populated by college kids. Nearly everyone is sitting and having conversations. I am surprised people can have conversations with this much noise. I cannot find an elevated spot which would allow me to survey the room and take a broad sample of the body language used (since I cannot hope to follow conversations, given the noise level). I leave.


I go to the first bar I passed up earlier. Again, nearly all college kids. I see two guys with their glasses finished sitting outside in couches made of rice bags. I ask if it's stable as an opener. They reply and we have a short exchange about the couch. They seem friendly but leave shortly. I wanted to ask them what they studied.

I try to listen to the conversation going on right behind me. The various conversations I've heard in the different bars have made me realize that bars, especially filled with students, may not be a good place to find original and interesting conversation.

I see an attractive woman who sits in an area about 4 meters away from me with no one else around. She is dressed neatly enough to make a business presentation. She fiddles with her phone.

I wish I didn't have anxiety and would just go up to her. She still fiddles with her phone for several minutes, looking down the whole time. It occurs to me that "fiddling with your phone with your head always down" might be the modern equivalent of the bitch barrier and that she likely doesn't want to be approached. I leave around 0030 hours.


I'm back home at around 0100 hours. I see my downstairs neighbour with two friends on a couch they dragged outside and put in front of the apartment block. They seem both drunk and high. After we exchange a bit, I am presented to Nicholas and Mike. I cannot remember my neighbour's name. He asks me if I'm on Facebook, which I take to be an indirect way to ask me if he can add me. I taste of bit of his cigar. I find out that I still don't like cigars.

He asks me about the student strike and I give a non-opinion. I ask him what he thinks to redirect and it becomes clear that he asked me what I thought because he really wanted to go on himself. I agree with him where I can honestly say that I do. It takes a bit of effort. He asks me what I think of his opinion. I ask myself why he wants me to give my opinion of his opinion.

He openly picks his nose.

They mention a movie and I'm invited to see it. It's a bootlegged copy of Battleship which I'm curious about seeing. I go in. See 3 cats. Throughout the evening, it's clear he loves them. He offers me something to drink or eat. I remember the nose picking and go with something that involves the least physical contact between what he touches and what touches my lips.

Throughout the evening, he compares women and cats; how they're independent, do what they want, when you show attention they pull away and when you pull away they come back. He makes many comments through the evening which betray bitterness. He uses the word "femelle" to refer ambiguously either to female humans or female cats. In English, "female" can have a zoological meaning or an official meaning (that is, you'd likely see it on a form, the same way you'd see "causasian"). In French, there is only a zoological meaning. His phone wallpaper is a woman in lingerie. His PS3 wallpaper is a naked woman. The repeated bitter statements about women, uses of the word "femelle" and prominently displayed women with few/no clothes unnerve me. I would not stay here if I were a woman and if a woman were here, I would be wary of leaving her alone with those 3.

Yet, he very seldom uses vulgar terms to refer to sex. He most often uses the term "make love" rather than alternatives. He seems wounded more than genuinely threatening.


He remarks on my legs being crossed and how that means I'm uncomfortable. I take note of that for the future and uncross my legs.

Through the evening, he asks several time if I want pot. I explain that as a lawyer, I will not smoke pot but it doesn't bother me if they do. I have to say this several times.

He goes on about politics, love, how we're all made from carbon and that even after we die, we will eventually be remade. How everything around us is living in a way. He is high. I try to politely nod but I am not convincing.

He is also rather rough when he's friendly. Not offensively so. I guess it's his way to show affection and the drugs and alcohol have lowered his inhibitions. He teases me a bit and nudges me. This makes me more uncomfortable and withdrawn than I already am. He means no harm though. Once, he gets killed in a game and goes to punch the couch. He gets my thigh instead, which doesn't hurt and is little bother to me. He's apologetic about it.

Toward the end of the movie, at around 0330 hours, he asks if I'll stay for some gaming and I say I'm tired (the two other guys are sleeping next to us). He suggests that I'm only staying out of politeness. I honestly say that I'm staying because I want to finish the movie. After the movie, around 0400 hours, I stay a bit to watch him play because I want to know how a game has been updated. I enjoy this and eventually take his offer to play myself. I end up playing it until around 0500 hours. As I leave, he tells me goodbye in a friendly voice.

Thus the evening ends.



SUMMARY: I am not fond of people expounding on their particular view of politics, life etc when that view is lacking in knowledge/reflection, especially if they're affected by drugs or alcohol. I have a difficult time faking that interest and little inclination to discuss such topics in that situation, even if those topics can very much interest me with other people. A large part of having a good time socially is finding people I'm compatible with. In my case, that likely means intellectually compatible with, at least if they want to discuss some topics with me.

I can still have a good time with people I'm not intellectually compatible with but it's not going to be a major friendship.

I am not comfortable with people who get physical quickly. It causes me to pull back and become stiff(er).

[Gagundathar]

You report well.
I get the distinct feeling that you should study anthropology.
However, I do hope you don't die a virgin.

[Mikemike2]

Great story, I enjoyed reading it. Way to hang in there for the evening.

[ugly ripe tomato]

You're the Jane Goodall of the bar scene, all right

[not what you'd expect]

Great read, but just one thing...the girl fiddling with her phone was probably just nervous and trying to appear "busy" as opposed to alone in a bar. You should have approached her.

[Absolute]

SUMMARY: I don't know how to interact with people in bars, but I went to a few anyway, then left. I hung out with a bunch of losers for a few hours and went to bed.

[MichaelEmouse]

Originally Posted by Absolute

SUMMARY: I don't know how to interact with people in bars, but I went to a few anyway, then left. I hung out with a bunch of losers for a few hours and went to bed.

I like to think my version is more fun to read.

[MichaelEmouse]

Originally Posted by not what you'd expect

Great read, but just one thing...the girl fiddling with her phone was probably just nervous and trying to appear "busy" as opposed to alone in a bar. You should have approached her.

Probably. If we had made eye contact and she'd given me something more as a signal, I think I would have.

Given that I was dressed as neatly as she was (I was wearing black wingtips, dress pants, white dress shirt with black stripes), maybe she was taking notes too. Nah, who does that?

[Jimmy Chitwood]

From some of your asides I think I have an idea why you're undertaking this kind of exercise, but I'm curious whether you're doing it the excruciatingly hard way on purpose because you think that's where all the lessons are to be learned, or if you don't think you're doing this the excruciatingly hard way. Or, I suppose, as a sort of general fuck you to the whole idea.

[MichaelEmouse]

Originally Posted by Jimmy Chitwood

From some of your asides I think I have an idea why you're undertaking this kind of exercise, but I'm curious whether you're doing it the excruciatingly hard way on purpose because you think that's where all the lessons are to be learned, or if you don't think you're doing this the excruciatingly hard way. Or, I suppose, as a sort of general fuck you to the whole idea.

A friend proposed that I should go to a bar and I thought "Why not? I'll give it a go". I'm aware that going to a bar alone is not the easiest way, and may be one of the hardest. If you have easier ways to propose, I would greatly appreciate learning of them. Meetup for my city sucks.

[Jimmy Chitwood]

I just think people usually don't do things they actively dislike in the hopes that they'll find other people who are also doing those things but who also dislike them. It seems to me like you're having a bit of fun at your own expense by going to e.g. a dance club and then sort of wryly observing that everyone there seems to be dancing, but then it also seems like you genuinely want things to go differently. You know:

The various conversations I've heard in the different bars have made me realize that bars, especially filled with students, may not be a good place to find original and interesting conversation.

is a good workout for your ironic voice, and there's a reason for that. I think it's cool that you're trying, and it definitely isn't an easy thing to do and I'm far from an expert. I just wonder why, if you think it might actually be the hardest way, it's the way you're set on. Why not start with something you actually enjoy as the kind of baseline activity?

[Gagundathar]

Just as a bit of advice, going to a crowded bar alone is a very bad way to meet anyone especially if you are interested in conversation. I would try a more established pub, one with actual adults sitting around and talking with each other. That might be more entertaining to you and perhaps even more enlightening.

[aruvqan]

Back when I was young and single, I would head to an SCA event dressed nicely and flirt my way around the event. I got more than a few dates that way.

How about finding a hobby with meetings that you can go and meet people at? Not anywhere near as loud nor impersonal as barhopping [unless your hobby is small cannons]

[Vinyl Turnip]

Area Man 'Not Into Bar Scene'

[rhubarbarin]

You're funny.

[Barkis is Willin']

Originally Posted by not what you'd expect

Great read, but just one thing...the girl fiddling with her phone was probably just nervous and trying to appear "busy" as opposed to alone in a bar. You should have approached her.

I concur. She probably didn't want to look like she was alone at a bar. Smart phones are handy for occupying your attention to avoid awkward moments. Next time, just talk to her. What's the worst that can happen? She says she too busy on her phone?

[TokyoBayer]

The worst is when they openly laugh at you, but that rarely happens.

[Omar Little]

OP sounds like a monologue from American Psycho. Still haven't found your first victim yet.

[Freudian Slit]

Is this real?

[kayaker]

Originally Posted by MichaelEmouse

There is a guy sitting across from me who orders a glass of wine and looks at the TVs. Through my time there, I never see him looking my way. Guess he really does want to watch TV alone in a bar while drinking a glass of wine. Or at least he doesn't want anyone around to get closer.

I sometimes go to a bar to "work" with my iPad, answering emails, stuff like that. Not all that strange, at least for my area and demographic.

Originally Posted by MichaelEmouse

Through the evening, he asks several time if I want pot. I explain that as a lawyer, I will not smoke pot but it doesn't bother me if they do. I have to say this several times.

"No, thanks". Really, you do not have to explain. And the explanation is kinda weird. If you are drug tested at work, say that. But, "NO, I am an officer of the court!" is kinda weird. I say that as someone who has gotten high with lawyers, doctors, and a cop or two.

Also, you might want to find a simpler drink. Maybe vodka and tonic? Ordering a Zombie marks you in some not-good way.

[Giraffe]

I've got to be honest, these stories are hard to read. Not because they're not well-written, but because the basic premise is just so painful. I'm pretty outgoing and I wouldn't go to a bar by myself unless I had absolutely nothing better to do. Doing it when you're shy and not socially confident is a recipe for misery.

If you want to see why people go to these places, get a group of friends together on a night when you're in the mood to have enough drinks to get out of your head for a little while. Strike up conversations with other people only as they occur naturally, don't try to force it. You still may not have the time of your life, but you'll get a much better feel for the appeal than sitting alone at the bar eyeballing your fellow patrons.

[Vinyl Turnip]

Originally Posted by Giraffe

I've got to be honest, these stories are hard to read. Not because they're not well-written, but because the basic premise is just so painful. I'm pretty outgoing and I wouldn't go to a bar by myself unless I had absolutely nothing better to do. Doing it when you're shy and not socially confident is a recipe for misery.

If you want to see why people go to these places, get a group of friends together on a night when you're in the mood to have enough drinks to get out of your head for a little while. Strike up conversations with other people only as they occur naturally, don't try to force it. You still may not have the time of your life, but you'll get a much better feel for the appeal than sitting alone at the bar eyeballing your fellow patrons.

Or if you must do that--- jeez, try to inject a little humor into these things. I'm a bit of a shrinking violet in real life and these aren't that far off from the sort of things I'd write after enduring an uncomfortable social situation, but I'd at least try to make them funny. If it's painfully awkward, emphasize that. If someone's boring you, talk about that. At least then you'd get some entertainment value out of it, for yourself and your SDMB audience. These reports read like the listless updates of the saddest alien stuck on the shittiest assignment on the most distant planet in the universe.

[Dallas Jones]

Originally Posted by Vinyl Turnip

These reports read like the listless updates of the saddest alien stuck on the shittiest assignment on the most distant planet in the universe.

Yeah, and he's putting way too much effort into an artilcle that the editors will reduce down to two words; "Mostly harmless".

[Barkis is Willin']

Also, it's written in present tense. Thanks a lot, Hunger Games author.

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by Giraffe

get a group of friends together

I think that's part of the problem, or lack of that's the problem...hence the socialization experimentation.

[Giraffe]

Originally Posted by Omar Little

I think that's part of the problem, or lack of that's the problem...hence the socialization experimentation.

If he has no friends, bars and clubs are not where he should be trying to make them, IMO. Go to meetup.com and join some groups.

[MichaelEmouse]

This is an exercise in meeting new people and making introductions; that part of a relationship where people go from being complete strangers to becoming acquaintances/friends. I did not invite friends because I thought that would make it less likely for me to get to know other people. I could quite well be wrong.

As stated earlier, meetup for my city is unsatisfactory.

[Bob Ducca]

Originally Posted by MichaelEmouse

This is an exercise in meeting new people and making introductions; that part of a relationship where people go from being complete strangers to becoming acquaintances/friends. I did not invite friends because I thought that would make it less likely for me to get to know other people. I could quite well be wrong.

As stated earlier, meetup for my city is unsatisfactory.

If you're at bars/clubs on your own, you'll always give off the stench of someone trying to pick up someone for a romantic encounter - regardless if you talk to men or women while you're there. Going with a friend, or multiple friends, (mostly) removes that aura and shows that you're the type of person that other people like. Them being there with you acts as a social reference to others.

[MichaelEmouse]

Originally Posted by Bob Ducca

If you're at bars/clubs on your own, you'll always give off the stench of someone trying to pick up someone for a romantic encounter - regardless if you talk to men or women while you're there. Going with a friend, or multiple friends, (mostly) removes that aura and shows that you're the type of person that other people like. Them being there with you acts as a social reference to others.

You're right, I should have seen that. Thanks.

[Autolycus]

Originally Posted by MichaelEmouse

I am not comfortable with people who get physical quickly. It causes me to pull back and become stiff(er).

I find a few deep breaths can do wonders for that.

[Sleeps With Butterflies]

Originally Posted by MichaelEmouse

This is an exercise in meeting new people and making introductions; that part of a relationship where people go from being complete strangers to becoming acquaintances/friends. I did not invite friends because I thought that would make it less likely for me to get to know other people. I could quite well be wrong.

As stated earlier, meetup for my city is unsatisfactory.

There are other options rather than a meetup. I hope you're playing up the robotic and awkward nature of it all for laughs because it's kind of uncomfortable. Are you enjoying these excursions you've been making because they're painful to read?

There have to be activities that you *do* enjoy that you could get involved in which would be better for meeting people you could relate with.

[MichaelEmouse]

Butterflies,

I sometimes play it up, as you can see from my use of military time. I do not actually use military time in day to day communication.

I am partly enjoying them and partly not. They are often a zone of discomfort but, overall, I enjoyed myself. Going into your zone of discomfort can be good.

There are a few activities I can think of but not many. I've always been a bookworm; When I was in the second grade, I stole a dictionary from school.