The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread

[RickJay]

Originally Posted by hermette

Oh god, now I'm dying of curiosity about what the moth joke is!

I'm guessing that's worked, and you've had women message you to ask?

Actually I just added it in the last edit to replace a longer and duller conclusion to the ad.

The moth joke must be told in person. Its brilliance cannot be conveyed in print. If told correctly - and I emphasize correctly - and at the right time, a bright person will think you're the smartest, most hilarious human alive. I always get a great reaction (from anyone) with my rendition of the Moth Joke.

Here's Norm Macdonald telling it, and I think he does a pretty good job, though I've done it better. Each rendition of the Moth Joke must reflect your personality in its telling. It must be a little bit different from the last, adding your own flavour to the setup (Macdonald chooses a weird Tolstoyesque flavour to this one) and working to the audience's reactions and expectations, keeping them on the edge between impatience and anticipation, dragging it out just as long as you possibly can but not one second longer. And when you get to the end, and deliver the 50-megaton punchline, if you're done it right, you bring the house down. Takes practice, though.

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by hermette

Misnomer, our success story! Good to see you back in this thread, hope it's still going well?

Isn't Sicks Ate a success story, as well? And one that predates mine by a little bit? (I feel like there might be someone else, too...one of the women here?...but can't think of a name.)

Things are still going quite well, though; thanks! It's been a little over three months since our first date, and just yesterday we were saying that we need to figure out a way to spend more time together. My dog is still a complication, but we'll do some brainstorming this weekend. I like him very much, and lately I've even been thinking about breaking out the "L" word...

I don't think I've bored everyone with my progress for a while - I've had a second date with "Gerrald" which also went very well, and I'm seeing him again next week, a little more seriously this time. If things happen as I hope they will, how do I go about sussing out if we're a couple or not? It's all a bit scary

It's definitely all a bit scary, but I think it's way too soon to worry about whether you're a couple. As long as the dates keep going well you should just keep going on them, and eventually it'll either come up in conversation or you'll just know. With my guy, we both knew that neither of us was seeing anyone else when we started dating, but it was still probably about a month before we started referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. The timing, etc., will vary depending on the people involved.

Originally Posted by RickJay

The first date is set for tomorrow date but she insisted on starting off texting. So that's been a little different, in that I'd rather bust out the personality on the first date.

If I'm reading my timestamps correctly, your first date with her will be tonight? How has the texting been going? Keeping fingers crossed for you!

[Invisible Chimp]

Not that it matters, since I'm "seeing someone," but I updated my OkC pictures. The two newest pictures I put up were taken by the girl I'm seeing. Thoughts?

[Maastricht]

Originally Posted by Fear Itself

Just curious; are these services generally covered by health insurance in Holland? Because they are not in the US, and would would cost thousands of dollars if he tried them all.

Sorry, no. Sometimes visits from a sex worker are covered to people who are heavily physically handicapped and in an institution.

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

Funny you should mention it, I did discover a group for just this sort of thing. Went to one meeting and then there weren't any new events scheduled for a while. Looked like I may have killed the group, but now there is something for next week.

Sounds like fun. There are plenty of dating coaches out there. If your group gathers infrequent, just ask one from the yellow pages to start a new one and say you at least will participate.

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

I think the foreign dating site is probably not the way to go. I don't see how I'd be likely to do better with someone I might have even more difficulty communicating with.

Part of being able to communicate is the language. But you might be surprised how many "bridal" countries have a sizable part of the population speaking English. Wiki says, for instance, that 33 % of Indians speak English; 80% of Phillipines; 30 of Polish; 40% in Cameroon, 30 percent in Romania, the list goes on and on. For educated women, which would be what you are attracted to, that percentage would be higher. In short, language need not be a problem.

Another part of communicating is culture. While it would be easier sharing a cultural vernacular in advance, it is not necessary for friendship or love. It is more important to get a shared vernacular with each other, and time will do that. Also, it is only when one hasn't met the person in question that we think all the stereotypes apply; the materialistic East European; the East Indian who is a slave to her family, all those generalized images they no doubt have of us too. After you come to know her, she becomes an individual foremost. And the cultural differences become far less important, besides, even in the US it is quite likely if you meet someone they're still bringing with them their American-Chinese, American-Italian, American-etc cultural differences to the table. How do people generally solve those?

Strangely perhaps, I sometimes think some people do better in an entire different language and culture. There is a reason I spent all my 15 thousand posts on this US centered messageboard and not a Dutch one. It sort of frees me up to be more myself, and have all my anomalies made invisible under the guise of foreign-ness.

[Robot Arm]

Originally Posted by Maastricht

Sorry, no. Sometimes visits from a sex worker are covered to people who are heavily physically handicapped and in an institution.

That's actually not a problem at the moment. I inherited some money a while ago; not enough to never work again, but enough to not have to worry about it for a while.

Sounds like fun. There are plenty of dating coaches out there. If your group gathers infrequent, just ask one from the yellow pages to start a new one and say you at least will participate.

I'm seeing how it goes. I'm not very good at taking advice. It's not intentional; I think I understand it at the time, but years later something will happen and I'll think "oh, that's what they meant. Now I get it."

Part of being able to communicate is the language. But you might be surprised how many "bridal" countries have a sizable part of the population speaking English. Wiki says, for instance, that 33 % of Indians speak English; 80% of Phillipines; 30 of Polish; 40% in Cameroon, 30 percent in Romania, the list goes on and on. For educated women, which would be what you are attracted to, that percentage would be higher. In short, language need not be a problem.

Another part of communicating is culture. While it would be easier sharing a cultural vernacular in advance, it is not necessary for friendship or love. It is more important to get a shared vernacular with each other, and time will do that. Also, it is only when one hasn't met the person in question that we think all the stereotypes apply; the materialistic East European; the East Indian who is a slave to her family, all those generalized images they no doubt have of us too. After you come to know her, she becomes an individual foremost. And the cultural differences become far less important, besides, even in the US it is quite likely if you meet someone they're still bringing with them their American-Chinese, American-Italian, American-etc cultural differences to the table. How do people generally solve those?

Strangely perhaps, I sometimes think some people do better in an entire different language and culture. There is a reason I spent all my 15 thousand posts on this US centered messageboard and not a Dutch one. It sort of frees me up to be more myself, and have all my anomalies made invisible under the guise of foreign-ness.

Well, the language is part of it, and the culture is part of it, but just the idea kind of rubs me the wrong way. I'm not the sort to figure out a role for someone (girlfriend, wife, whatever) and then go looking for someone to fill it. I'd rather meet someone, find out how we are together, and let the relationship (if there is to be one) develop from that. And the whole mail-order thing seems like it would have to lead to a very unbalanced relationship. One person gives up practically their whole life to move across the world to be with the other. I wouldn't ask someone to give up so much, and I don't think I'd feel right being the only one they knew or could turn to in a new place.

Of the things you listed, and I do appreciate the ideas, that one is definitely the last resort. I can't really see it being better than the life I have.

[Cinnamon Imp]

Originally Posted by RickJay

Actually I just added it in the last edit to replace a longer and duller conclusion to the ad.

The moth joke must be told in person. Its brilliance cannot be conveyed in print. If told correctly - and I emphasize correctly - and at the right time, a bright person will think you're the smartest, most hilarious human alive. I always get a great reaction (from anyone) with my rendition of the Moth Joke.

Here's Norm Macdonald telling it, and I think he does a pretty good job

Thank you!

Originally Posted by Misnomer

Isn't Sicks Ate a success story, as well? And one that predates mine by a little bit? (I feel like there might be someone else, too...one of the women here?...but can't think of a name.)

Things are still going quite well, though; thanks! It's been a little over three months since our first date, and just yesterday we were saying that we need to figure out a way to spend more time together. My dog is still a complication, but we'll do some brainstorming this weekend. I like him very much, and lately I've even been thinking about breaking out the "L" word...

It's definitely all a bit scary, but I think it's way too soon to worry about whether you're a couple. As long as the dates keep going well you should just keep going on them, and eventually it'll either come up in conversation or you'll just know. With my guy, we both knew that neither of us was seeing anyone else when we started dating, but it was still probably about a month before we started referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. The timing, etc., will vary depending on the people involved.

True, I was obviously just being biased! Glad things are going well

I'll probably be bowing out of this thread, hopefully for a while, as "Gerrald" and me had a bit of a chat on our third date, and are definitely exclusively dating. He's not ready to say we're in a relationship yet, but he's certainly acting a hell of a lot like a devoted boyfriend, so I'm happy with that, and I'm seeing him again on Thursday.

Good luck to the rest of you - I think the thing I've learned is that you have to step outside of your comfort zone, ie take the initiative and make the first move, rather than letting them come to you, and don't be put off by distance, if the connections there, it's there (and you never know, they might be planning a move anyway!).

Oh, and yes, I've updated my profile to "seeing someone"

Originally Posted by Invisible Chimp

Not that it matters, since I'm "seeing someone," but I updated my OkC pictures. The two newest pictures I put up were taken by the girl I'm seeing. Thoughts?

I like them! Especially the middle one that you're smiling in

[Invisible Chimp]

Originally Posted by hermette

I'll probably be bowing out of this thread, hopefully for a while, as "Gerrald" and me had a bit of a chat on our third date, and are definitely exclusively dating. He's not ready to say we're in a relationship yet, but he's certainly acting a hell of a lot like a devoted boyfriend, so I'm happy with that, and I'm seeing him again on Thursday.

Good luck to the rest of you - I think the thing I've learned is that you have to step outside of your comfort zone, ie take the initiative and make the first move, rather than letting them come to you, and don't be put off by distance, if the connections there, it's there (and you never know, they might be planning a move anyway!).

Oh, and yes, I've updated my profile to "seeing someone"

Reverse the sexes and I could have almost posted this same exact thing two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, she was introducing me as her boyfriend, this week she's single and we're just friends. She was long distance but is moving closer too! I hope yours doesn't have the same ending as mine.

I like them! Especially the middle one that you're smiling in

Thanks! Now they do matter, since I'm single again.

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by hermette

True, I was obviously just being biased!

I'll probably be bowing out of this thread, hopefully for a while, as "Gerrald" and me had a bit of a chat on our third date, and are definitely exclusively dating. He's not ready to say we're in a relationship yet, but he's certainly acting a hell of a lot like a devoted boyfriend, so I'm happy with that, and I'm seeing him again on Thursday.

Yay!! Good luck! But you don't have to leave the thread...heck, I'm heading into month four with an awesome guy and y'all can't get rid of me.

Originally Posted by Invisible Chimp

Now they do matter, since I'm single again.

Ugh...sorry, dude.

[Jaguars!]

Originally Posted by Invisible Chimp

Not that it matters, since I'm "seeing someone," but I updated my OkC pictures. The two newest pictures I put up were taken by the girl I'm seeing. Thoughts?

They look pretty good. You could experiment with tighter cropping - try crop the area below the collar out, and for the second photo, the chairs.


I'm on - and that's about it. I'm going to get my brother to take some non-godawful photos tomorrow, and I'm doing a draft of my profile. I've done some questions and that's starting to make me do a little soul searching about what I really want to get out of this. You guys will get a link to when I've got it nearer to completion.

[Cinnamon Imp]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

Yay!! Good luck! But you don't have to leave the thread...heck, I'm heading into month four with an awesome guy and y'all can't get rid of me.

True! I might stick around for the reassurance for a little while. We've both taken down our OKC profiles, so I think that's a good sign? If anything, he's now the one pressing for us to be a proper couple, and for me to let my family know about him, and I'm the one suddenly hoping we're not rushing things!

Oh, and we had the talk about whether or not we both want kids on our 4th date, keen, eh?

Originally Posted by Invisible Chimp

Reverse the sexes and I could have almost posted this same exact thing two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, she was introducing me as her boyfriend, this week she's single and we're just friends.

That's just... argh! What happened? I'm guessing it was her decision? It sucks anyway, and I hope she's introducing you to all of her cute single friends, like a good friend should :P

Originally Posted by Jaguars!

I'm on - and that's about it. I'm going to get my brother to take some non-godawful photos tomorrow, and I'm doing a draft of my profile. I've done some questions and that's starting to make me do a little soul searching about what I really want to get out of this. You guys will get a link to when I've got it nearer to completion.

Looking forward to it!

[Misnomer]

I just read an article about a dating site called Tawkify, and figured I'd share. I'm not sure whether I'd try it, but it sounds interesting!

Originally Posted by hermette

If anything, he's now the one pressing for us to be a proper couple, and for me to let my family know about him, and I'm the one suddenly hoping we're not rushing things!

Awww.

[Invisible Chimp]

Originally Posted by hermette

That's just... argh! What happened? I'm guessing it was her decision? It sucks anyway, and I hope she's introducing you to all of her cute single friends, like a good friend should :P

Most of her friends are either married women or dudes and live about 100 miles away from me.

Originally Posted by Misnomer

I just read an article about a dating site called Tawkify, and figured I'd share. I'm not sure whether I'd try it, but it sounds interesting!

Tawkify is a stupid name. It seems like it's an old fashioned matchmaking service that you sign up for online rather than being an online dating site.

[Robot Arm]

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

Believe me, I gave up on this being easy at least a decade ago. Now, I might as well be looking for the Higgs boson or the Holy Grail.

Well, at least there's still the Grail.

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

Got a message from a third, I replied, haven't heard back, yet.

She wrote back, a month later. I wrote back. That was two weeks ago.

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

Funny you should mention it, I did discover a group for just this sort of thing. Went to one meeting and then there weren't any new events scheduled for a while. Looked like I may have killed the group, but now there is something for next week.

Meeting postponed until late July; so not officially dead yet, but not at all well.

[Sicks Ate]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

Isn't Sicks Ate a success story, as well? And one that predates mine by a little bit?

Yeah, actually From Match. Creeping up on 5 months, and last week she met my parents.

[RickJay]

The profile ain't generating much interest. You guys can spread it around to your single female friends as to see fit.

I realize having a kid is a big X for some, but it's who I am.

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by Invisible Chimp

Tawkify is a stupid name.

Agreed.

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

Creeping up on 5 months, and last week she met my parents.

Awesome!

Yesterday was the 4-month mark for me and my guy, but honestly I'm not sure how much longer we'll be together: based on a conversation we had a week ago I'm convinced that we have no future together, and I'm in the process of figuring out whether there's any reason to keep seeing him (other than the sex). He's supposed to meet my dad in three weeks -- I have an important gig coming up that they're both planning to attend -- but now I kind of don't want him to. I think we're going to wind up having another big conversation soon; maybe even this coming weekend.

Anyway, when we break up I don't think I'll be returning to the dating world: between this and the 5-month drama (with IRL guy) that preceded it I think I'll be done for a while, and happy to just focus on my job, friends, dog, and music. I'll let you guys know when/if I decide to resurrect my OKC profile.

[Cinnamon Imp]

Originally Posted by RickJay

The profile ain't generating much interest. You guys can spread it around to your single female friends as to see fit.

I realize having a kid is a big X for some, but it's who I am.

For me, it would be a plus - if I knew anyone on your side of the pond, I'd pass you on to them, definitely!

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

Yeah, actually From Match. Creeping up on 5 months, and last week she met my parents.

Congratulations!

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

Meeting postponed until late July; so not officially dead yet, but not at all well.

Fingers crossed for you anyway Robot Arm

Originally Posted by Misnomer

Yesterday was the 4-month mark for me and my guy, but honestly I'm not sure how much longer we'll be together: based on a conversation we had a week ago I'm convinced that we have no future together,

That must've been some conversation

Originally Posted by Misnomer

Anyway, when we break up I don't think I'll be returning to the dating world: between this and the 5-month drama (with IRL guy) that preceded it I think I'll be done for a while, and happy to just focus on my job, friends, dog, and music. I'll let you guys know when/if I decide to resurrect my OKC profile.

Sounds like a plan - take some time to yourself to get over him, then move on when you're good and ready.

*hugs* if you need them!

Date 5 for me tonight, and we're talking about me maybe going to stay over at his, fo dinner, drinks & whatever, in a couple of weeks. Complex negotiations are required with the babysitter first though!

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon Imp

That must've been some conversation

Yeah. Basically, our long-term needs are in direct opposition: I need to live with him, he needs to be left alone (it's not quite that simple, obviously, but that's the gist). I'm kind of surprised that I didn't break up with him as soon as I realized how fundamentally incompatible we are, but right now I'm just trying to figure out how I feel and whether it makes any sense for us to keep seeing each other in the short term. Like I said, I think a follow-up conversation will happen very soon.

*hugs* if you need them!

Thanks.

[~Olive~]

I am thinking of online dating, I have no idea where to start. Do I make it clear I am not thinking of marriage at all? I would like to find a travel partner.

[Invisible Chimp]

Originally Posted by ~Olive~

I am thinking of online dating, I have no idea where to start. Do I make it clear I am not thinking of marriage at all? I would like to find a travel partner.

Of course you should be clear on what you do and don't want. I recommend starting with OkCupid, it's free, easy to use, and you can find others who want the same things you do. eHarmony is for the marriage-minded, so you should avoid at all costs. I'm not sure about Match.

[~Olive~]

Originally Posted by Invisible Chimp

Of course you should be clear on what you do and don't want. I recommend starting with OkCupid, it's free, easy to use, and you can find others who want the same things you do. eHarmony is for the marriage-minded, so you should avoid at all costs. I'm not sure about Match.

Is there a way to check out okcupid for my area? I live on an island. Small town. It would be nice if I could scope it out first.

thanks

[RickJay]

I've modified my profiles on some other sites to match the advice given for my OKC profile.
Energized, I really hit the search functions and sent out the emails.

Since then my emails have gone about 1 for 150 in response rate. I really don't THINK I'm that ugly.

[AClockworkMelon]

Originally Posted by RickJay

I've modified my profiles on some other sites to match the advice given for my OKC profile.
Energized, I really hit the search functions and sent out the emails.

Since then my emails have gone about 1 for 150 in response rate. I really don't THINK I'm that ugly.

Wow, Jesus fucking Christ. What the hell are you sending to these women?* What kind of women have you been messaging?











*I mean this in the nicest possible way.

[RickJay]

Originally Posted by AClockworkMelon

Wow, Jesus fucking Christ. What the hell are you sending to these women?* What kind of women have you been messaging?

Friendly, funny messages. Some comment on something in their profile, and a question about what sort of vacations or fun they're planning on this summer. Nothing needy or weird. As you can probably tell from the sheer volume I'm emailing all kinds. Basically nobody replies, not even to say "thanks but no thanks." I've tried long messages, short messages, and messages in between.

I finally got so frustrated that a few days ago I changed the passwords for my accounts on Lavalife and POF and handed the keys to my sister (LavaLife) and a female friend (POF) and said "Let's see you do better. I'll give you money if you're successful. Go!" So off they went, starting today; no luck yet. We'll see if a woman pretending to be me (though they also have the option of saying "I'm C., and I've hijacked RickJay's account, and let me explain why he's awesome" but neither has tried that approach yet) works better than me. My sister's sent out 9 emails, and to be honest they weren't substantially different from the sort I'd send.

[AClockworkMelon]

Originally Posted by RickJay

Friendly, funny messages. Some comment on something in their profile, and a question about what sort of vacations or fun they're planning on this summer. Nothing needy or weird. As you can probably tell from the sheer volume I'm emailing all kinds. Basically nobody replies, not even to say "thanks but no thanks." I've tried long messages, short messages, and messages in between.

I finally got so frustrated that a few days ago I changed the passwords for my accounts on Lavalife and POF and handed the keys to my sister (LavaLife) and a female friend (POF) and said "Let's see you do better. I'll give you money if you're successful. Go!" So off they went, starting today; no luck yet. We'll see if a woman pretending to be me (though they also have the option of saying "I'm C., and I've hijacked RickJay's account, and let me explain why he's awesome" but neither has tried that approach yet) works better than me. My sister's sent out 9 emails, and to be honest they weren't substantially different from the sort I'd send.

According to OkTrends success on the website should actually be easier for older men (the difficulty curve related to gender swings more and more the other way the older you get). The site has worked great for me and I'm just average-looking (I don't think personality means as much to either gender as we all rush to claim). 150 messages, though, damn. Over what period of time is that?

Maybe it's having a kid? But even then you'd think you'd at least get a "thanks" message from someone who doesn't bother to read your profile.

Edit: The creepy mask on your visitors list is me.

[Edward The Head]

Originally Posted by RickJay

Friendly, funny messages. Some comment on something in their profile, and a question about what sort of vacations or fun they're planning on this summer. Nothing needy or weird. As you can probably tell from the sheer volume I'm emailing all kinds. Basically nobody replies, not even to say "thanks but no thanks." I've tried long messages, short messages, and messages in between.

That's the exact type of thing that happened to me. Lot and lots of messages and not a whole lot back. I don't think it's that easy for us older people as they say. I'm not even sure if it's having a kid or not as I have two of them. I think people are looking for perfection instead of, you know, a person.

I had a better time of it on eHarmony, but there you can send out a ton of questions and it doesn't take as much time. At least I got more dates out of it.

[RickJay]

Originally Posted by AClockworkMelon

Maybe it's having a kid? But even then you'd think you'd at least get a "thanks" message from someone who doesn't bother to read your profile.

I know the kid thing is a big, big drawback; IRL I've had women be interested and then back off once I mentioned I was a father, going so far as to come right out and say it's "gross" to date someone with a kid.

I can't quantify it, though, and tell you precisely HOW MUCH of a disadvantage it is.

But anyway, that's why I handed the keys to a few dating sites over to some other folks, to see if a different approach to searching and messaging would work.

[Sicks Ate]

Originally Posted by RickJay

I know the kid thing is a big, big drawback; IRL I've had women be interested and then back off once I mentioned I was a father, going so far as to come right out and say it's "gross" to date someone with a kid.

I can't quantify it, though, and tell you precisely HOW MUCH of a disadvantage it is.

But anyway, that's why I handed the keys to a few dating sites over to some other folks, to see if a different approach to searching and messaging would work.

You don't mention in your profile that you have a child?

As far as having someone else send messages for you...I'm not really down with that. I ain't you, baby. I mean, it's one thing to get input on your profile, but if you start getting response to e-mails someone else sends, it seems kind of dishonest.

[Cinnamon Imp]

Originally Posted by RickJay

I know the kid thing is a big, big drawback; IRL I've had women be interested and then back off once I mentioned I was a father, going so far as to come right out and say it's "gross" to date someone with a kid.

I can't quantify it, though, and tell you precisely HOW MUCH of a disadvantage it is.

Have you tried targeting single mothers? You never know, they might be up for more of a Brady Bunch scenario and wanting to mingle families!

Apart from that, I don't get it. I've seen your profile, found it witty and well written, and didn't scream "DONT REPLY!" to me.

I do worry about the quality of messages you're sending out though, given the quantity. You've not just sent "hi how ru" to them all have you?

*ducks*

[Curiosity Kills Her]

I've found this thread to be an interesting read (the whole thing!). Dating is an entirely foreign culture to me - it just seems awkward. In fact, I've only been on one real date in my life and that landed me with a super scary stalker I had been thinking about and trying to wrap my head around online dating when I found this thread and would like to thank all of its participants for the informative read.

I've noticed that many of you will immediately rule out a potential candidate based on where they live, and I find that perplexing. Is it that the act of dating for some is more important than finding a life mate? I would feel like I were limiting myself and narrowing my chances for finding someone compatible were I to put regional restrictions in place.

[lavenderviolet]

Originally Posted by RickJay

I know the kid thing is a big, big drawback; IRL I've had women be interested and then back off once I mentioned I was a father, going so far as to come right out and say it's "gross" to date someone with a kid.

How old was the lady who said it was gross? One thing I noticed that might be hurting your chances: The age range you're looking for might be skewed too young (29-44 when you're 40).
Some 29 year olds are willing to date a 40 year old with a child, but I'd say they're the exception. It's very common for guys to try to message much younger women on these sites and I think many younger women start to think of it as "creepy" after getting a few messages from much older guys.
I would definitely suggest trying to be open to the 45+ ladies. They are more likely to be understanding of being divorced with a child, and the reality is that the older ladies are not going to be getting as much attention from other guys, which will also improve your chances with them.

[RickJay]

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

You don't mention in your profile that you have a child?

Er, no, I do mention it. That's my point. What I said was that in real life, e.g. meeting people face to face without initially metting online, when it comes up, it obviously turns women off.

Originally Posted by Cinnamon Imp

Have you tried targeting single mothers? You never know, they might be up for more of a Brady Bunch scenario and wanting to mingle families!

Oh, absolutely. Lots of them.

I do worry about the quality of messages you're sending out though, given the quantity. You've not just sent "hi how ru" to them all have you?

Nope; I put some thought into them without making them too long or needy-sounding.

Originally Posted by lavenderviolet

How old was the lady who said it was gross? One thing I noticed that might be hurting your chances: The age range you're looking for might be skewed too young (29-44 when you're 40).

32? 33? Something like that.

I never message anyone under 30, truth be told. (I don't recall how or when I set that age range, but bear in mind I would have been 38 when I set it, not 40, since it would have been set when I created my profile.) It's just not likely enough to happen to bother; almost all women I message are between 34 and 41.

[Invisible Chimp]

Originally Posted by Curiosity Kills Her

I've noticed that many of you will immediately rule out a potential candidate based on where they live, and I find that perplexing. Is it that the act of dating for some is more important than finding a life mate? I would feel like I were limiting myself and narrowing my chances for finding someone compatible were I to put regional restrictions in place.

No distance is too great for love, but practically speaking, the further away they are, the harder it is to make it work, especially for me because I don't drive. I tried to date a woman who lived 100 miles away, didn't work for many reasons that being a major one.

[Robot Arm]

Originally Posted by Curiosity Kills Her

I've noticed that many of you will immediately rule out a potential candidate based on where they live, and I find that perplexing. Is it that the act of dating for some is more important than finding a life mate? I would feel like I were limiting myself and narrowing my chances for finding someone compatible were I to put regional restrictions in place.

In theory, I would be willing to date someone anywhere, assuming we connected well enough. But in practice, I'm not quite sure how that would come about. There's a limit to how close you can get to someone using e-mail and IMs. (At least there is for me.) So eventually I'd have to travel 200 miles to see someone I'm not sure is worth travelling 200 miles for. It's much easier to find someone who's worth going to the local Starbucks for. Even if you do make a connection with someone distant, dating is about spending time together, and the distance limits how much of that you can do.

I didn't pick 200 miles as an arbitrary distance. I'm in Boston, the OKCupid main page often shows me women in New York City. I assume they have an abundance of potential suitors already within taxi or subway range.

So, not impossible, but it would be an extra difficulty to overcome.

[Curiosity Kills Her]

Originally Posted by Invisible Chimp

No distance is too great for love, but practically speaking, the further away they are, the harder it is to make it work, especially for me because I don't drive. I tried to date a woman who lived 100 miles away, didn't work for many reasons that being a major one.

I understand. I think that for me the situation you describe would be worse than if they were on the other side of the country. 100 miles with no car is so close... but sooo far.

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

In theory, I would be willing to date someone anywhere, assuming we connected well enough. But in practice, I'm not quite sure how that would come about. There's a limit to how close you can get to someone using e-mail and IMs. (At least there is for me.) So eventually I'd have to travel 200 miles to see someone I'm not sure is worth travelling 200 miles for. It's much easier to find someone who's worth going to the local Starbucks for. Even if you do make a connection with someone distant, dating is about spending time together, and the distance limits how much of that you can do.

I didn't pick 200 miles as an arbitrary distance. I'm in Boston, the OKCupid main page often shows me women in New York City. I assume they have an abundance of potential suitors already within taxi or subway range.

So, not impossible, but it would be an extra difficulty to overcome.

I agree that it would be a difficulty to overcome, I'm just not sure it would be more of a difficulty than finding 'the one' within a certain radius. I would be willing to move for the right person, and from what I've observed about the world today I'm far from the exception.

Granted, I mentioned I find dating to be a bit of a foreign concept and I suppose that factors in here. I have never (well, besides high school and that doesn't count) set out looking for a mate. Men I've dated have been friends I fell for. I'm very content in my own skin and with my own company, and while not opposed to a relationship I don't feel a need for one - to my mother's increasing dismay. Those things combined with my general discomfort with the dating process don't lend themselves to motivating me out of my solitary rut.

[Robot Arm]

Originally Posted by Curiosity Kills Her

I would be willing to move for the right person,...

Yes, but how far would you travel to meet someone you only knew over IM, to find out if he was the right person or not? I think that's the real stumbling block.

And for the sake of comparison, how far are you from Boston?^*




* Kidding.

[Curiosity Kills Her]

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

Yes, but how far would you travel to meet someone you only knew over IM, to find out if he was the right person or not? I think that's the real stumbling block.

And for the sake of comparison, how far are you from Boston?^*




* Kidding.

I don't think I'd have a limit - however I'd probably have talked to them on the phone enough to know I'd want to see them. I wouldn't just stop at IM and move straight to air travel. Last year a gentleman I met flew here to take me to the opera. There were no expectations beyond a good visit and an experience - although I think he was hopeful I wasn't interested in him at all (even before the trip) but we had an incredible time and I had my first opera experience with a genuine opera geek. I love being exposed to new things so I truly relished every moment.

*Far.

[Invisible Chimp]

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

Yes, but how far would you travel to meet someone you only knew over IM, to find out if he was the right person or not? I think that's the real stumbling block.

If I could afford it, I don't see a downside. Worst case scenario would be a little vacation and travel.

[Robot Arm]

Originally Posted by Invisible Chimp

If I could afford it, I don't see a downside. Worst case scenario would be a little vacation and travel.

I can mostly afford it. Still having trouble making it happen, though.

[Curiosity Kills Her]

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

...

Threadjack!

Are you the gentleman that had a ship adventure?

[Robot Arm]

Originally Posted by Curiosity Kills Her

Threadjack!

Are you the gentleman that had a ship adventure?

I did, yes.

To avoid threadjacking any more than necessary, I sent you a private message.

[~Olive~]

Oh my gosh, I am not answering all those personal questions on okcupid. I saw one guy that answered over 900 questions. Some of them are much too personal. My neighbors don't need to know all my little quirks.

[Bosstone]

Originally Posted by ~Olive~

Oh my gosh, I am not answering all those personal questions on okcupid. I saw one guy that answered over 900 questions. Some of them are much too personal. My neighbors don't need to know all my little quirks.

Your answers aren't public unless you choose to make them so. If you want to seriously use the site, it's worth it to answer as many as you can.

[Cinnamon Imp]

Originally Posted by ~Olive~

Oh my gosh, I am not answering all those personal questions on okcupid. I saw one guy that answered over 900 questions. Some of them are much too personal. My neighbors don't need to know all my little quirks.

You can skip the personal ones, or answer them privately. I think you can also set your profile up to be only viewable to other OKCupid members, which reduces the chances of your neighbours finding out about you!

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

Basically, our long-term needs are in direct opposition

<snip>

Like I said, I think a follow-up conversation will happen very soon.

Said follow-up conversation took place Saturday night: turns out that his communication skills aren't the greatest, and what he said wasn't really what he meant. We're good (again) now.

Originally Posted by Curiosity Kills Her

I've noticed that many of you will immediately rule out a potential candidate based on where they live, and I find that perplexing. Is it that the act of dating for some is more important than finding a life mate? I would feel like I were limiting myself and narrowing my chances for finding someone compatible were I to put regional restrictions in place.

As Robot Arm has said, it's that determining whether someone is "life mate" potential is nearly impossible to do long-distance. At least, for some of us. Emails and IMs and phone calls -- even Skype sessions -- only get you so far: there is no "test" for chemistry other than being the same room together, and that shouldn't take an act of Congress. Likewise, the most reliable way to get to know someone is to physically spend time with them in as many different situations as possible, which to me includes some ability to be spontaneous (e.g., deciding on a whim to meet for coffee one morning).

[kmshrader]

OkC profile finally produced something other than an uncomfortable first date. Been chatting with this guy (300 miles away, but smart and funny) for a few hours now. RL has gotten a bit complicated (talking to two guys, but both have made it clear they don't want anything serious, and one's leaving town in a few weeks), so it's nice just to chat about music with a guy who's into sci-fi and flirting.

[kmshrader]

Originally Posted by kmshrader

OkC profile finally produced something other than an uncomfortable first date. Been chatting with this guy (300 miles away, but smart and funny) for a few hours now. RL has gotten a bit complicated (talking to two guys, but both have made it clear they don't want anything serious, and one's leaving town in a few weeks), so it's nice just to chat about music with a guy who's into sci-fi and flirting.

Never mind. Actually he has serious self-esteem issues and got rejected by some girl and he knows women don't find him attractive and he's so sorry he bothered me and on and on.

Jeez. Why do I always end up as the therapist?

[Robot Arm]

Originally Posted by kmshrader

Jeez. Why do I always end up as the therapist?

Why do you think you always end up as the therapist?

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

Why do you think you always end up as the therapist?

Ding.

[Slithy Tove]

It's not someone who's seeking therapy in the dating world, or even validation. Unfortunately, it's human nature to offer up tales of how much we've been hurt as a way of saying "please don't hurt me." Unfortunately it's also human nature to react to this by rejecting the person, adding to their hurt.

cite: Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, to paraphrase its point: if we see someone with a broken leg, we help them. If we see someone with a broken heart, we avoid them.