The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread

[Fear Itself]

Originally Posted by Slithy Tove

cite: Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, to paraphrase its point: if we see someone with a broken leg, we help them. If we see someone with a broken heart, we avoid them.

That is why the old saw. "Just be yourself!" is terrible advice, not just in online dating but in life at large. Unless you are by nature happy, optimistic, outgoing, self-confident and all the other adjectives repeated ad nauseum in dating profiles, "just being yourself" is not going to get many dates. If you are depressed, pessimistic, shy, self-doubting or any of the human frailties the rest of us struggle with, you had better adopt a persona that conceals those shortcomings, or you are wasting your time dating. Or looking for a job, or doing anything that requires human interaction.

"Just be yourself", unless you are a real person. Otherwise, be whatever others want you to be.

[RickJay]

Originally Posted by Fear Itself

That is why the old saw. "Just be yourself!" is terrible advice, not just in online dating but in life at large. Unless you are by nature happy, optimistic, outgoing, self-confident and all the other adjectives repeated ad nauseum in dating profiles, "just being yourself" is not going to get many dates. If you are depressed, pessimistic, shy, self-doubting or any of the human frailties the rest of us struggle with, you had better adopt a persona that conceals those shortcomings, or you are wasting your time dating. Or looking for a job, or doing anything that requires human interaction.

"Just be yourself", unless you are a real person. Otherwise, be whatever others want you to be.

This is a rather glaring fallacy-of-the-excluded-middle argument.

The idea behind the advice of "just be yourself" is to prevent you from presenting a persona that is actually different from who you actually are, which will result in disaster down the road.

Being optimistic is in everyone's nature at least some of the time, unless you are actually clinically depressed. Presenting an optimistic attitude when dating is no less "being yourself" than being respectfully serious at a funeral or avoiding swearing at a business meeting; it's just being appropriate to the occasion. It's not dishonest or not being "yourself."

You aren't lying to anyone when you wear a business suit to a job interview and act professional. You WOULD be lying if you put stuff on your resume that was untrue. It works for dating; if you show up to a date wearing slightly nicer clothes than you usually do and you're happy and optimistic, that's not dishonest, it's just showing you're not an idiot. If you went on a date and put on a show of being a manly car-fixin' guy who loves football when, in fact, you're a bicycle-riding eco-nut who hates football but loves skiing, that's a lie. That's not being yourself.

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by Fear Itself

If you are depressed, pessimistic, shy, self-doubting or any of the human frailties the rest of us struggle with, you had better adopt a persona that conceals those shortcomings, or you are wasting your time dating. Or looking for a job, or doing anything that requires human interaction.

If you are depressed, pessimistic, or self-doubting, you had better GET HELP.

Dating is a privilege, not a right.

[Sicks Ate]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

If you are depressed, pessimistic, or self-doubting, you had better GET HELP.

Dating is a privilege, not a right.

This, because if you do this:

Originally Posted by Fear Itself

If you are depressed, pessimistic, shy, self-doubting or any of the human frailties the rest of us struggle with, you had better adopt a persona that conceals those shortcomings, or you are wasting your time dating. Or looking for a job, or doing anything that requires human interaction.

"Just be yourself", unless you are a real person. Otherwise, be whatever others want you to be.

...then eventually that's going to crack, and the poor bastard you're dating will realize s/he has been duped.

[Invisible Chimp]

Originally Posted by Fear Itself

That is why the old saw. "Just be yourself!" is terrible advice, not just in online dating but in life at large. Unless you are by nature happy, optimistic, outgoing, self-confident and all the other adjectives repeated ad nauseum in dating profiles, "just being yourself" is not going to get many dates. If you are depressed, pessimistic, shy, self-doubting or any of the human frailties the rest of us struggle with, you had better adopt a persona that conceals those shortcomings, or you are wasting your time dating. Or looking for a job, or doing anything that requires human interaction.

"Just be yourself", unless you are a real person. Otherwise, be whatever others want you to be.

This reminds me of something a woman I dated off OkC told me. She said that the impression she got of me from my profile and me IRL were very different, although she liked both. She said I was presenting who I wanted to be, rather than who I am. I countered that everything in my profile is true. I didn't add that she blatantly lies in her profile questions about her religion– she says she's an atheist when she's not.

Originally Posted by Misnomer

If you are depressed, pessimistic, or self-doubting, you had better GET HELP.

Dating is a privilege, not a right.

Confirming many a depressed person's nightmare, they deserve loneliness. They are unworthy of being loved. (That's how a depressed person would interpret that.)

[kmshrader]

Originally Posted by Invisible Chimp

Confirming many a depressed person's nightmare, they deserve loneliness. They are unworthy of being loved. (That's how a depressed person would interpret that.)

I agree that this is how criticism is often interpreted, but I don't think anyone can do more than offer gentle prodding interspersed with honest compliments. If someone's best efforts are met with a defensive or just unerringly pessimistic attitude, what obligation does that person have to invest more time and energy in that potential relationship than they would if their conversation partner were agressive or boring?

I've been in relationships with men who have a depressive streak, and it wasn't a dealbreaker, but I guess I wonder if a guy can't hold himself together for a few hours' worth of conversation, how functional is he in the rest of his life?

[even sven]

Nobody deserves to flat broke, but if you go into an interview and say "I'm not very good at this work, I've failed every time I've done it because I as far as I can tell everyone in this industry is an asshole, and frankly I don't really think I'm that great of a person. Let me tell you some more about my shortcomings....." you are not going to get hired.

Strangers are not particularly concerned about you or being the vehicle of some kind of karmic balance. Everyone- from dates to bosses to friends- is asking, "How can you add value to my life." That's just how it is.

You can't in practical terms, add emotional value to people's lives until you have your emotions under control and are in a good place with them. This has nothing to do with your value as a human being. For example, someone who just experienced a messy divorce almost certainly shouldn't date until it's all a bit less raw. Even if the are the nicest, most loving, most amazing person in the world, you can't be an equal partner until you are on an emotionally even keel.

[Fear Itself]

Originally Posted by even sven

Nobody deserves to flat broke, but if you go into an interview and say "I'm not very good at this work, I've failed every time I've done it because I as far as I can tell everyone in this industry is an asshole, and frankly I don't really think I'm that great of a person. Let me tell you some more about my shortcomings....." you are not going to get hired.

Exactly. So you polish that turd and put the best face on what you do have. Just don't be yourself.

[RickJay]

Originally Posted by Fear Itself

Exactly. So you polish that turd and put the best face on what you do have. Just don't be yourself.

I again ask why putting on your best face isn't being yourself.

[Bosstone]

Originally Posted by RickJay

I again ask why putting on your best face isn't being yourself.

Yes. There's Happy Me, Manic Me, Quiet Me, Angry Me, Clingy Me, Geeky Me, Depressed Me, etc. There's simply no reason Clingy Me or Angry Me or Depressed Me should be coming out on a first date, and if I can't prevent them from doing so, I need to look into why. I like Happy Me and Geeky Me, and they're my best faces, but they're me just as much as Depressed Me is.

[Fear Itself]

Originally Posted by RickJay

I again ask why putting on your best face isn't being yourself.

It's witholding information. It's only part of yourself.

[Bosstone]

Originally Posted by Fear Itself

It's witholding information. It's only part of yourself.

Who gives all of themselves on a first date?

[rhubarbarin]

Sometimes 'being yourself' even when who you really are isn't good 'dating' material, works out fine. I'm depressed, pessimistic, shy, self-doubting, unambitious (all lifelong problems), and recently went through a difficult break-up of a very serious 7-year-long relationship, as well as several other major life upheavals. I threw it all at my (now) boyfriend on the first few dates - to his surprise and amusement - because really, I felt it would be unfair for someone with my level of baggage to pretend to be in better shape. He still likes me lots (though he did tell me that I far exceed any airline's limits), enough to be the one who initiated us beginning a committed relationship.

In fact having gotten most of that dark stuff out of the way very early on, I'm now able to relax and be happy in this new relationship - much more than I would if he had yet to find out about my debt, my ex, my (poor) mental health history, etc etc.

[Robot Arm]

Originally Posted by Bosstone

Yes. There's Happy Me, Manic Me, Quiet Me, Angry Me, Clingy Me, Geeky Me, Depressed Me, etc.

If Snow White has an OKCupid profile, you are in.

[Sicks Ate]

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

If Snow White has an OKCupid profile, you are in.

Funniest post in this thread in a long time

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by Robot Arm

If Snow White has an OKCupid profile, you are in.

Ha!

(Even funnier: I *just* finished watching Mirror, Mirror!)

[Cinnamon Imp]

Originally Posted by RickJay

Nope; I put some thought into them without making them too long or needy-sounding.

Weird

I guess I'll second the increase your age range & distance suggestions then, otherwise, I'm baffled, sorry!

[Slithy Tove]

Originally Posted by even sven

Everyone- from dates to bosses to friends- is asking, "How can you add value to my life." That's just how it is.

Well, hopefully that's not all they're saying across the board, or that's not much of a relationship. It's enriching to know you've added value to someone else's life, too.

That said, the economic analogy is apt, since the same natural laws hold sway in both areas: money doesn't go where it's needed, it goes where it can grow. The same holds true for love.

[OurLordPeace]

I have the same situation and fear as RickyJay on the previous page. I've tried OKC for a bit more than a year now, off and on, and I have had very few dates thanks to a very low response rate. I send a nice message, they look at my profile (sometimes) and then say nothing.

This is why I'm both baffled and impressed when others have talked about "systematic dating," with multiple dates in a day, and things like that.

This concern had receded a great deal for a while, because in early May I obtained a lover. We met in a grad school class two years ago, reconnected last autumn after sporadic contact, and, after about seven/eight months of tenacious effort on my part, we became exclusive lovers. The problem is, we learned shortly before becoming intimate that she very much wants to be a parent, and I don't. She's 31, and I'm 30. We're dating without dating, we both wish it could be different, but that's the reality of the situation. She only seems to be getting closer and closer to me, and that's disconcerting.

She's now the closest thing I've ever had to a girlfriend. No, I'm not shy. She was the first person I kissed in over two years. From late summer 2002 to late summer 2007, I didn't even hold a woman's hand. I could provide more detail, but you get the idea.

The dysthymia that nearly ruined my youth is mostly gone, my communication skills are better, and all things considered I think my OKC profile and personal demeanor reflect how much my life has changed since coming to DC for grad school. Even so, can you see how I'm worried? When my intimacy with this lady ends, as it soon must for the good of both of us, will she be an anomaly in my lonely, frustrated life?

Somebody tell me the origin of the title, ideally without searching online!

[Bosstone]

Originally Posted by Slithy Tove

Well, hopefully that's not all they're saying across the board, or that's not much of a relationship. It's enriching to know you've added value to someone else's life, too.

Yes, but ideally a relationship is made of two whole people who are more than the sum of their parts when they're together. If one person isn't whole, is emotionally needy, and isn't really in a position to give back to their potential partner, that potential partner is entirely justified in not wanting to get into a relationship that looks like it'll be taxing on them without getting anything in return.

I had a brief flirtation with someone who at first looked like a witty, composed person who I wanted to be around. When she decided she wanted to be around me, she let the facade drop and every single conversation thereafter was a clingy, sighing, depressed quagmire, taking tons of emotional support from me without offering anything in return. I backed off of that as fast as I could. If I have to be my own person AND complete you as well, it's too damn tiring and dismal.

That all sounds kind of cold and unromantic, true, but emotional vampires really, really suck.

[Invisible Chimp]

I have long distance pen-pals as a looking for on my OkC account, so I got a message from a Greek girl. Her English isn't perfect, but she's understandable. She said "I only have one question..." Then she quoted all the movies I have listed and simply asked "Why?" Why do I have so movies listed? Why are they my favorites? I don't even know how to answer that. She ended her message saying I was "a cute American."

[Cinnamon Imp]

Are all the movies in the same genre? It could be a "why do you like sci-fi" or "why do you watch so much porn" type question?

[Curiosity Kills Her]

Originally Posted by Invisible Chimp

I have long distance pen-pals as a looking for on my OkC account, so I got a message from a Greek girl. Her English isn't perfect, but she's understandable. She said "I only have one question..." Then she quoted all the movies I have listed and simply asked "Why?" Why do I have so movies listed? Why are they my favorites? I don't even know how to answer that. She ended her message saying I was "a cute American."

"Because."

[fifty-six]

I have not yet read through this monstrosity, yet.

I do have a few questions on OkCupid's site. I have answered nearly 700 questions. I have many 99% matches and countless over 90%.
Highest possable 99.8.
Is this common? Sure seems like a high number.
Does the number mean all that much in real life experience. What about the friend percentage?

Funny thing they seem really my type. Never knew there were so many women just like me.

[fifty-six]

I do not even look at profiles below 90% Am I doing it wrong?

[RickJay]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon Imp

Weird

I guess I'll second the increase your age range & distance suggestions then, otherwise, I'm baffled, sorry!

Absolutely true story; a friend of mine who writes a column on dating reactivated her profile on one of the major sites (don't recall which) and got 100 messages in a week. She's fairly ordinary looking.

"How many did you reply to?" I asked her.

"Well, just two," she said.

I mean, I think the problem is, mathematically, pretty obvious.

[Yes, I Know That Color]

I've already read this entire thread and found it both fascinating and helpful. Thank you to everyone who has contributed the many anecdotes and pieces of advice. After lurking in this thread, I can finally contribute.

I'm a female in my early twenties with very little dating experience. It's only been recently that I've had any serious interest in relationships of the romantic sort. Several months ago, I signed up on OkCupid not expecting much at all. To be honest, reading this thread was what finally motivated me to make an account. I figured I didn't have anything to lose and it might be a fun time-waster. Recently, someone sent me a message, and his usage of proper English grammar and spelling convinced me to reply. However, his profile left an unfavorable impression, so I attempted to word my response in a way that didn't call for any more exchanges. To my surprise, he sent another message anyway. We continued to write each other until he sent me a message that sparked some serious interest on my part. Over the course of a week, we kept going back and forth, and I found myself looking forward to reading his replies. Eventually, he asked if I was willing to meet him in person. I accepted the invitation without any hesitation.

In short, the meeting went very well and we've gotten together a few times since, but I now find myself a bit confused. He turned out to be one of the most awesome people I've met. I could go on and on about all the things I admire about him. However, I am not physically attracted to him. He is a good-looking guy but he's not the kind of good-looking that normally catches my eye. If I look back on all the men I've found attractive in the past, they share several common physical characteristics. I have a definite type, and this guy is not it. It's not that he repulses me in any way, but let's just say that during the times we spent together, I never thought, "Can we just make out now?"

I currently hold the opinion that if I'm not physically attracted to him now, then I never will be. My friends have encouraged me to go out with him a few more times because it's too soon to give up on him. I just don't think it's enough to be attracted to someone only on an intellectual level. A particular friend believes that physical chemistry can develop over time. She suspects that I'm buying too much into the "love at first sight" concept, that there has to be an instant physical attraction. As I said earlier, I'm not very experienced when it comes to this sort of thing, so I'm not quite sure how to handle the situation. A part of me wants to go ahead and have the "let's just be friends" conversation; another part worries that it would be a hasty move since he and I are still getting to know one another.

[Shagnasty]

Spare everyone the "let's just be friends conversation" because it is dismissive and meaningless in the online dating world. You aren't going to ever be friends with him in a meaningful way. Chemistry is important but it isn't everything. Look, you need experience to even be qualified to know what you really want. If this guy is close enough for now, I would just run with it to gain the experience. You don't have to get married and chances are you wouldn't even if you did like everything about him. Good enough for now is sometimes the best thing going. Break up when something actually bad happens like everyone else does. You need that experience too.

[Cinnamon Imp]

Originally Posted by Yes, I Know That Color

I currently hold the opinion that if I'm not physically attracted to him now, then I never will be. My friends have encouraged me to go out with him a few more times because it's too soon to give up on him. I just don't think it's enough to be attracted to someone only on an intellectual level. A particular friend believes that physical chemistry can develop over time. She suspects that I'm buying too much into the "love at first sight" concept, that there has to be an instant physical attraction. As I said earlier, I'm not very experienced when it comes to this sort of thing, so I'm not quite sure how to handle the situation. A part of me wants to go ahead and have the "let's just be friends" conversation; another part worries that it would be a hasty move since he and I are still getting to know one another.

I belatedly agree to the keep seeing him and see if attraction grows suggestion!

How are things though?

[pancakes3]

I have to wonder if the spectrum of attraction is narrower for women than men. I have a type, but that doesn't stop me from finding women who are not of the type physically attractive.

As for pertinent advice? Keep looking. Continue dating, if you like but there's no reason to dive head first into exclusivity already.

[Maggie the Ocelot]

Hey all....

I'm happily married, but I have a friend who is just diving in to online dating.

Can you check out his profile and give any tips?


http://www.match.com/profile/showpro...wker27&lid=491

[rhubarbarin]

Originally Posted by Yes, I Know That Color

I've already read this entire thread and found it both fascinating and helpful. Thank you to everyone who has contributed the many anecdotes and pieces of advice. After lurking in this thread, I can finally contribute.

I'm a female in my early twenties with very little dating experience. It's only been recently that I've had any serious interest in relationships of the romantic sort. Several months ago, I signed up on OkCupid not expecting much at all. To be honest, reading this thread was what finally motivated me to make an account. I figured I didn't have anything to lose and it might be a fun time-waster. Recently, someone sent me a message, and his usage of proper English grammar and spelling convinced me to reply. However, his profile left an unfavorable impression, so I attempted to word my response in a way that didn't call for any more exchanges. To my surprise, he sent another message anyway. We continued to write each other until he sent me a message that sparked some serious interest on my part. Over the course of a week, we kept going back and forth, and I found myself looking forward to reading his replies. Eventually, he asked if I was willing to meet him in person. I accepted the invitation without any hesitation.

In short, the meeting went very well and we've gotten together a few times since, but I now find myself a bit confused. He turned out to be one of the most awesome people I've met. I could go on and on about all the things I admire about him. However, I am not physically attracted to him. He is a good-looking guy but he's not the kind of good-looking that normally catches my eye. If I look back on all the men I've found attractive in the past, they share several common physical characteristics. I have a definite type, and this guy is not it. It's not that he repulses me in any way, but let's just say that during the times we spent together, I never thought, "Can we just make out now?"

I currently hold the opinion that if I'm not physically attracted to him now, then I never will be. My friends have encouraged me to go out with him a few more times because it's too soon to give up on him. I just don't think it's enough to be attracted to someone only on an intellectual level. A particular friend believes that physical chemistry can develop over time. She suspects that I'm buying too much into the "love at first sight" concept, that there has to be an instant physical attraction. As I said earlier, I'm not very experienced when it comes to this sort of thing, so I'm not quite sure how to handle the situation. A part of me wants to go ahead and have the "let's just be friends" conversation; another part worries that it would be a hasty move since he and I are still getting to know one another.

I was not particularly physically attracted to my ex in the beginning (was with him 7 years), it grew over time and I ended up being very attracted to him on all levels. If you're not repulsed, and he is an awesome person, give it time and try making out with him. Something could definitely grow. If you do continue seeing him romantically try making out n stuff, and it's not working for you - you are still allowed to break up with him at that point. That's how dating works.

On the other hand, my boyfriend now is more awesome and we also have that electric chemistry. It might be worth holding out for.

[Shagnasty]

Originally Posted by Maggie the Ocelot

Hey all....

I'm happily married, but I have a friend who is just diving in to online dating.

Can you check out his profile and give any tips?


http://www.match.com/profile/showpro...wker27&lid=491

This is coming from a man who is definitely not into men but I have met a number of females that use sites like Match.com and they have shared their feedback on different people. He has a good profile but looks like a douche in the photos selected. His profile says he is 6'3" which is good but there are no full body shots with context. I assumed he was about 5'6" at a glance at that is not good generally speaking. He needs more photos in varied settings and tell him to cut out the smirking.

Also, tell him to change his religious preferences from Atheist to anything else. It doesn't matter if it is true or not. You just won't get many dates as an admitted atheist. 'Spiritual but not religious' is fine. He likes nature so it is true enough. The no kids thing is going to severely limit his dating potential as well. If he is 100% serious about that, then leave it. Otherwise, change it to something more moderate and up for later discussion.

He writes very well and seems to be attractive enough so toning down the obvious arrogance and overall 'twee' factor should land him some good dates pretty quickly.

[Invisible Chimp]

Originally Posted by Shagnasty

Also, tell him to change his religious preferences from Atheist to anything else. It doesn't matter if it is true or not. You just won't get many dates as an admitted atheist. 'Spiritual but not religious' is fine. He likes nature so it is true enough. The no kids thing is going to severely limit his dating potential as well. If he is 100% serious about that, then leave it. Otherwise, change it to something more moderate and up for later discussion.

This is all horrible advice. Don't misrepresent yourself on dating sites. The object should be to find someone who is compatible with you, not simply get as many dates as possible by appealing to the lowest common denominator. FYI, here in urban Oregon, you'll get more dates as an atheist than as anything religious.

[Yes, I Know That Color]

It's been several weeks since I asked for advice in this thread, and I'm back with an update. To everyone who offered an opinion on my situation, thank you! The general consensus among those here and offline was to give the guy a chance to grow on me. I'm happy to report that I did continue seeing him, and I've gradually become quite smitten with him. We're having a lot of fun together and even have plans to go camping together next month. Thanks again, everyone, and good luck with your own online dating adventures!

[Fear Itself]

Originally Posted by Invisible Chimp

This is all horrible advice. Don't misrepresent yourself on dating sites. The object should be to find someone who is compatible with you, not simply get as many dates as possible by appealing to the lowest common denominator.

I agree, the whole point of going to dating site is to reduce the bother of dating a lot of people you aren't likely to click with anyway. I expect to get fewer, quality dates rather than large numbers of poor matches.

[Cinnamon Imp]

Originally Posted by Maggie the Ocelot

Hey all....

I'm happily married, but I have a friend who is just diving in to online dating.

Can you check out his profile and give any tips?

Sorry I can't help, not a member of Match so can't see it

Originally Posted by Yes, I Know That Color

It's been several weeks since I asked for advice in this thread, and I'm back with an update. To everyone who offered an opinion on my situation, thank you! The general consensus among those here and offline was to give the guy a chance to grow on me. I'm happy to report that I did continue seeing him, and I've gradually become quite smitten with him. We're having a lot of fun together and even have plans to go camping together next month.

Fabulous! I think society & culture set us up to expect "love at first sight" to happen like a lightning bolt, but it's not always like that. I'm glad you gave it a chance to blossom

[grama]

I've been wanting to try online dating for a while, since finding other gay males have proved very difficult. I wasn't able to find a fully working dating site for free (not willing to pay, yet), so I went for the ad aproach. For weeks I've been getting terrible responses haha, mostly guys looking either for "express sex" or hooking, but a few days ago I got one email that called for my attention, we've been Instant messaging and texting a lot, and I'm pretty impressed with how much we have in common, plus he lives 20 minutes (walking!) from my house so that's definately a plus. Soooo, we have a date on saturday, I'll come back after that to share my experience.

[even sven]

Good luck.

I'm a year in to dating a guy that I partially met through OkCupid. We are still going strong and the future looks wonderful.

[Sicks Ate]

Annnnnnnd, I'm back out there.

Something occurred to me today: Given how selective woman can be, is it actually in your best interest to not post your most flattering pictures? You're usually overwhelmed by responses anyway, so posting awesome pictures will only exacerbate that. What if you just posted, y'know, average pictures of yourself? Then you would be more assured that you are being messaged because the guy likes what you put in your profile.

Speaking of profiles, I just re-activated mine on OKC. Wow, some old stuff there! As I was going through it trying to update things, I glazed over once again because it was soooo familiar to me. I'm also not sure if it reads a bit dis-jointed because I've added/changed it so many times.

Think I should wipe the slate clean and start again, or just keep tweaking? Always nervous about this part: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/vtmsix_eight

[Joey P]

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

Think I should wipe the slate clean and start again, or just keep tweaking? Always nervous about this part: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/vtmsix_eight

You might change "doggie play date" to "play date with the dogs" or something along those lines. Also, "Outside of my work, I'm loving the experience of being great partners with a 2 year old boy, whom I have with me 1/2 of the time" IMVHO could use a bit of rewording.

Just skimming over it (as most people do (I think) the first time over) both the sentences (to my ears) came across kind of odd until you get to the second half of them.
In my mind I kind of went "doggie what now?" and "partners with a 2 year old what does that even mean...ohhhh got it"

[Joey P]

The last date I went on, I was all psyched about then, the night before my ex-wife told me she was getting remarried. I remember thinking 'well fuck, that's gonna come up for sure tomorrow night.'

The date went well, I thought. Yes, the ex thing did come up, but she seemed fine with it. The next day I emailed her, told her I had a good time. Never heard back. I kept wondering if it was because of the ex thing, was it because she was a beer snob and I ordered a gin (although I can be a beer snob as well, just didn't want one) was it because of this or that....then about two weeks later she changed her location to about 90 miles away. Even if she hated me, at least I can tell myself it was because she moved.

Other then that, still having terrible luck. On the one hand, I know I'm overly picky. OTOH, I don't get replies to the emails I send out and the emails I get tend to be, well, stupid.
"Let me know if you're interested" Really? You can't do better then 6 words?

"I love being barefoot, how are you"
Yes, it was in response to something or other in my profile, but c'mon, you can do better then that.

Honestly, the nicest email I got was a reply from someone that sent me an email and I turned her down saying that I couldn't date someone that answered "yes" to is homosexuality a sin. Her first email and reply were really nice, but I couldn't let that one go. If she had said 'no' or didn't answer it (and was a few years older) it might have gone a different way. Oddly, she said she didn't realize she had even answered that question, said something about having gay friends etc...then deleted her profile a few days. I'm guessing she probably set up a new one, but her age puts her out of my search range so I wouldn't know.

[grama]

Well, just got home from my date. I had fun, we laughed a lot, but it just seemed more like a hang out with friends than anything else (maybe my expectations were too high?), so we'll see what happens over time, I just felt he was way more into me than I was into him, he did seem a little, what's the word, needy? saying stuff like "I think we have a great thing going on here" half an hour into our date or "I'm really happy I met someone like you" and me thinking "just drink your beer"... anyway, worst case scenario, it was a fun night.

[Sicks Ate]

Originally Posted by Joey P

In my mind I kind of went "doggie what now?"

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Good catches, I'll tweak those a bit.

Originally Posted by Joey P

The last date I went on, I was all psyched about then, the night before my ex-wife told me she was getting remarried. I remember thinking 'well fuck, that's gonna come up for sure tomorrow night.'

The date went well, I thought. Yes, the ex thing did come up, but she seemed fine with it. The next day I emailed her, told her I had a good time. Never heard back. I kept wondering if it was because of the ex thing, was it because she was a beer snob and I ordered a gin (although I can be a beer snob as well, just didn't want one) was it because of this or that....then about two weeks later she changed her location to about 90 miles away. Even if she hated me, at least I can tell myself it was because she moved.

"I love being barefoot, how are you"
Yes, it was in response to something or other in my profile, but c'mon, you can do better then that.

Um, when the topic of exes came up you didn't actually start talking about her getting married, did you? I can't tell because I don't know how the rest of the date went, but her conclusion might have been that you were too stuck on the ex.

Originally Posted by grama

Well, just got home from my date. I had fun, we laughed a lot, but it just seemed more like a hang out with friends than anything else (maybe my expectations were too high?), so we'll see what happens over time, I just felt he was way more into me than I was into him, he did seem a little, what's the word, needy? saying stuff like "I think we have a great thing going on here" half an hour into our date or "I'm really happy I met someone like you" and me thinking "just drink your beer"... anyway, worst case scenario, it was a fun night.

Run! Figuratively.

[tomcar]

Originally Posted by grama

Well, just got home from my date. I had fun, we laughed a lot, but it just seemed more like a hang out with friends than anything else (maybe my expectations were too high?), so we'll see what happens over time, I just felt he was way more into me than I was into him, he did seem a little, what's the word, needy? saying stuff like "I think we have a great thing going on here" half an hour into our date or "I'm really happy I met someone like you" and me thinking "just drink your beer"... anyway, worst case scenario, it was a fun night.

My 2 cents. Maybe he is a little lonely and a little needy. I wouldn't judge him for it. Look beyond the dating game (who has the best pick up line, who is the most polished dater?) and judge him for who he is.

[Joey P]

Originally Posted by Sicks Ate

Um, when the topic of exes came up you didn't actually start talking about her getting married, did you? I can't tell because I don't know how the rest of the date went, but her conclusion might have been that you were too stuck on the ex.

I think I might have just mentioned that she told me the previous night that she was getting remarried. I'm hardly hung up on her, but it was still on my mind since it was fresh news and took me by surprise. There was kind of an odd situation with my ex-wife that I always felt obligated to let a date know right off that bat. At the time, I was still working with her. So whenever I would go out on a first date, at some point during the night, I would make sure to work that into the conversation. We worked together for about 2 years after the divorce and I know it was a bit odd and I wouldn't blame anyone for having an issue with it so I didn't want anyone to think I was hiding it from them if they found out about it later since I really didn't think anything of it (we are on good terms and if you didn't know our history you wouldn't think we were anything other then co-workers).

Anyways, beyond that, I wouldn't bring anything up about my ex unless asked. The way I see it, if we hit if off and stay together, she'll get to know all about my ex*, if not there's no reason to spend any time talking about her since it really doesn't matter.

*by that I mean because I have a kid (and two dogs) with her that all go back and forth. Since I'm still in contact with her on a regular basis (to talk about kid/dog stuff), if I was in a LTR with someone, they're bound to hear things about my ex, just as I'm sure my ex's boyfriend here's plenty about me. Also, we were together for 11 years, that's just over a 1/3 of my life and since we got together when we were young she was my only 'real' relationship. Not something I can just delete.

[Sicks Ate]

This situation is only peripherally related to online dating (it's through Facebook) but I want to ask about it anyway:

There's a woman who was BFFs with my ex-wife for a long time (maid of honor etc.). She was around a lot and we always got along great. A year or more before we divorced, my ex and 'M' had quite falling out and they haven't spoken since.

'M' and I caught each other on FB a little over a year ago through a mutual friend; I can't remember who found whom, but I think she initiated it. Anyway, we messaged and texted a bit, and tried a couple times to get our dogs and ourselves together. It never worked out because she lived an hour away, conversation tapered off, and apart from rare comments on photos etc. we haven't communicated.

Well yesterday I got a message that more or less said: 1)I moved to the city! 2) Let's get our fricking dogs together for a play date 3) You still haven't made me sushi (I had just taken a class when we were talking last year) and 4) If you make sushi I'll bring the booze. 5) Let me know if this sounds interesting.

Well yeah, it actually does sound interesting. Question is, what is the ratio of probability that her intentions are 1) friendly/platonic or 2) potentially romantic? I don't want to go into it expecting anything, but I don't want to be flat-footed either.

Female perspective? If you were to send a message like that, what would your underlying motive likely be?

[Time Stranger]

If I sent that message, what I was really hoping he'd infer would be "Let's make sushi, drink the booze, and then take off our pants."

[vandal]

So I've been on match for a little over 4 months now. I haven't had one date yet.

I send roughly 20 messages and about 50 winks a month. In those 4 months, I've had 2 replies and 3 wink backs. Those messages and winks never went anywhere.

I've also never been messaged first and I've only been winked at first three times. I wasn't physically attracted to them so I politely declined the winks.

The messages I send are not a generic "copy and paste" type of message either. They're actually personalized and profile specific.

It seems at this rate, it's almost a certainty that I'm going to take advantage of the "6 month guarantee" that match is offering.

Here's my profile along with the pictures.

http://www.match.com/profile/showpro...+im3uyWtWzcg==

What the hell am I doing wrong?

[Leonard]

You're doing better than me. I've never got anyone on there to speak to me at all. To be fair, I haven't really messaged that many people, maybe a dozen. To be honest, I forced myself to do that. I actually have never seen any profile on there that interested me. Probably because I live in the bible belt amongst a bunch of hicks.