I Pit my inconsiderate peanut-feeding neighbors

[Diceman]

My retired next-door neighbors are fond of feeding the birds. No problem there. Unfortunately, however, they feed them whole peanuts (shell and everything) and a sizable fraction of the shells end up strewn across my lawn My neighbor across the street (also elderly) feeds the same damn unshelled peanuts to the squirrels, who also like to come over to my lawn to eat them

My one consolation is that feeding peanuts to animals seems to be an old-people thing, and the generation that does this is dying out. Thus, I can look forward to a future where I don't have to walk around my lawn picking up shells so my property doesn't look like the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

[kanicbird]

What are you talking about, while the old old people may be dying out, new old people come off the assemble line all the time.

[billfish678]

I hate to tell you but old people dieing out are generally replaced by newly now old people.

[TriPolar]

Oh Nos! Peanut shells on your precious snowflake lawn!?!?! Whatever shall you do?

And if you don't have actual Texans there, then what's wrong with a Texas Roadhouse floor?

[Really Not All That Bright]

Covered in Patrick Swayze.

[Bryan Ekers]

Originally Posted by Diceman

My neighbor across the street (also elderly) feeds the same damn unshelled peanuts to the squirrels, who also like to come over to my lawn to eat them

Clearly your lawn needs a concession policy - no outside food. Start by hosting a major league baseball franchise.

[Morgenstern]

Maybe if you offered the animals shelled peanuts, they would eat at your house instead. Cashews and roasted pistachios would surely get them off their peanut kick.

[otternell]

I can sympathize somewhat, as peanuts when they decompose can have a detrimental effect on plants and growth. Husband dumped a bunch of peanuts out for squirrels and there were a lot of shells left right there. The grass stopped growing in that area. Although on the plus side, the creeping charlie did too. Disclaimer - I know correlation does not equal causation, so no do not have full confirmation that it was just the peanut shells that caused it. Plus I'm sure quantity had a lot to do with my minor issue.

Peanut shells should always be allowed to break down completely before being used as a garden soil amendment. Raw peanut shells have been found to carry the bacterium that cause Southern blight and white mold, as well as nematodes and other microbes harmful to common garden plants. The high temperatures involved in compost decomposition kill these pathogens, so peanut shells should never be used in the garden as mulch.

Read more: Can Peanut Shells Be Used for Compost? | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/facts_5822513_ca...#ixzz22suTRluJ

On the other hand, I feed my squirrels whole ears of corn, and I bet you'd hate to have that in your yard even more. So just think about how much worse it could be!

I'm not elderly yet, but love feeding the various critters. Its more fun than watching TV. Just the other day, a squirrel came out of my corn patch (which thanks to the drought is about the worst I've ever had) with a whole unshucked ear in his mouth. Just trucking across my yard, stealing my sweet corn. Man do I love squirrels - so cute!

[Shagnasty]

Isn't this really the birds' fault?

[Bass Chick]

I had neighbors like those. The squirrel population grew like crazy and they became very assertive about approaching people for food. I was happy to see them move away, but there are still plenty of hungry squirrels left. They dig up everything that I try to plant. I had to put chicken wire around a pot of marigolds as recently as last week.

One thing that I thought about might be a reason it's causing problems for your lawn is the neighbors might be feeding them peanuts with salted shells.

Edited to add: Be grateful they aren't getting under the hood of your car and chewing the wires. This happened to us.

[boytyperanma]

Originally Posted by Shagnasty

Isn't this really the birds' fault?

I tend to agree here.

The neighbors aren't doing anything wrong. You need to let the animals know to stay off your lawn.

[kanicbird]

Originally Posted by Shagnasty

Isn't this really the birds' fault?

Or Obama's fault?

[johnpost]

why do they need to feed their peanuts? they should just keep them watered.

[Troppus]

The shells aren't on your carpet, right? I assume your lawn is outside, where trees drop leaves, limbs, and birds' nests. Birds probably even poop on the grass as they fly over. Insects, too, poop, shed, and die right there on the lawn. But the peanut shells, which are composed of organic matter and will decompose and become a component of soil... are a problem? Do you groom your lawn with a comb?

[ladyfoxfyre]

Peanut shells take forever to decompose, so no, it's not just like leaves or grass. And having extra shit in your yard and being annoyed by it does not equal "grooming your lawn with a comb".

[Vinyl Turnip]

Originally Posted by TriPolar

Oh Nos! Peanut shells on your precious snowflake lawn!?!?! Whatever shall you do?

I'm curious: are you a total fucking dick the moment you roll out of bed in the morning, or do you perform some kind of special calisthenics to warm up?

[Troppus]

Originally Posted by ladyfoxfyre

Peanut shells take forever to decompose, so no, it's not just like leaves or grass. And having extra shit in your yard and being annoyed by it does not equal "grooming your lawn with a comb".

Maybe. But it does mean that any tight-ass who attempts to sanitize the outdoors and turn it into a pristine open air replica of the living room will be doomed to picking the lint off the grass while gnashing his teeth. Reminds me, the fall migration is starting. I gotta go get some peanuts.

[TriPolar]

Originally Posted by Vinyl Turnip

I'm curious: are you a total fucking dick the moment you roll out of bed in the morning, or do you perform some kind of special calisthenics to warm up?

Warming up is really important. I start by cursing the daylight. Then I spend a while criticizing the dog for his lack of motivation. I turn on the news and call some politicians idiots, and usually the stupid talking heads as well. After that I check the weather report and complain about it. I hate weather so there's always something to complain about. Then I'm ready to launch a full on tirade against the first person who wants me to do something. Without the warm up I could end up straining my voice, or worse a full blown apoplexy.

If you need help starting a good routine like this I could give you some pointers.

[Kimstu]

Originally Posted by Troppus

Maybe. But it does mean that any tight-ass who attempts to sanitize the outdoors and turn it into a pristine open air replica of the living room will be doomed to picking the lint off the grass while gnashing his teeth.

Translation: "A more reasonable poster just refuted my silly hyperbolic misrepresentation of the OP, so I will repeat my silly hyperbolic misrepresentation in different words."

Originally Posted by kanicbird

What are you talking about, while the old old people may be dying out, new old people come off the assemble line all the time.

Originally Posted by billfish678

I hate to tell you but old people dieing out are generally replaced by newly now old people.

The OP did not say that old people in general are "dying out", but rather that one particular generation of them is: namely, it seems that the last generation to make a habit of feeding unshelled peanuts to birds and squirrels is dying out.

[Troppus]

Originally Posted by Kimstu

Translation: "A more reasonable poster just refuted my silly hyperbolic misrepresentation of the OP, so I will repeat my silly hyperbolic misrepresentation in different words."

I sure wouldn't label any version of outrage over small amounts of natural detritus in one's yard to be "reasonable". I would, however, label the OP possibly the most hilariously represented example of a first world problem I have encountered. Oh noes!!! There's yard stuff in my (gasp!) Yard!

[Kimstu]

Originally Posted by Troppus

I sure wouldn't label any version of outrage over small amounts of natural detritus in one's yard to be "reasonable". I would, however, label the OP possibly the most hilariously represented example of a first world problem I have encountered. Oh noes!!! There's yard stuff in my (gasp!) Yard!

Well, you and the OP can bicker about what qualifies as "small amounts", if you like. However, you seem to be missing the point that peanut shells aren't actually "yard stuff" or "natural detritus" in the sense that dead leaves and twigs and bird poop are. What they are is food refuse.

Just because some food refuse consists of (ultimately) biodegradable vegetable matter doesn't mean that having it scattered over your lawn looks "natural" or that being annoyed about it makes you a "tight-ass" trying to "sanitize the outdoors". Peanut shells, like watermelon rinds, potato peelings, grape-bunch stems and other plant-based food refuse, belong in the compost pile, not scattered across the lawn.

[JackieLikesVariety]

have you considered getting a cat? discourage birds & squirrels in general. plus, plenty of cats needs homes.

[Troppus]

Originally Posted by Kimstu

Peanut shells, like watermelon rinds, potato peelings, grape-bunch stems and other plant-based food refuse, belong in the compost pile, not scattered across the lawn.

Ah. So your suggestion is to instruct the local wildlife about the merits of composting and proper waste disposal as well as lawn grooming? I imagine such creatures will be receptive to those suggestions, and will implement the plan somewhere between laughing furry and feathered little butts off at the hungry human who spends hours picking up empty shells and providing entertainment to the kindly elderly neighbors. Good luck, OP!

[bengangmo]

I vote for getting a BB Gun, air rifle or similar and learning how to cook roasted squirrel with peanut stuffing.

And yeah - there must a be a fuck tonne of peanut shells for it to matter. I don't think I could carry home enough peanuts to make an impact on my lawn - let alone feed that many to birds.

And doulbe yeah - my wife eats unshelled peanuts, she sounds like a squirrel and I fucking hate it with a passion. Perhaps I should get a gun.....

[scabpicker]

If you're not careful, you'll starve with that air rifle. I bought one to exterminate the squirrels living in my attic. I shot one in the middle of the day in front of about 3-4 other squirrels. They moved out that night. If you'd told me they would react that way to realizing they lived above a predator, I wouldn't have believed you. Who knows, it might really be the thing to fix the OP's problem.

The air rifle's still good for target shooting, and targets are a lot easier to clean. They don't cook so good though. Peanuts might help.

[PunditLisa]

My parents, who've turned completely soft in their old age, used to feed the squirrels dry-roasted peanuts every day. After a few weeks of this, they noticed that one squirrel showed up regularly. It was easy to pick him out, because he was the one with the extra 3 pounds on him. They named him Sammy. And they were delighted with him.

This turned into a nightly routine. After dinner, they'd line up 5 peanuts in a line, and watch the squirrels gaily hop to the deck to get their reward. When Sammy showed up, they were especially pleased, because he was their favorite. He'd scamper off, his mouth full of peanuts, and they'd say, "Oh, isn't he cute?"

On occasion, they'd get distracted from their routine, and Sammy would show up in front of their sliding glass door, and stare at them and wave his tail around, until they got up and threw out his peanuts. They thought that that was a hoot. We warned them that they were raising a brat, but they didn't listen.

Then he began scuffling with the other squirrels. Even if he had his mouth full of peanuts, he'd attack any squirrel who tried to get close to "his" spot on the deck. One day, he attacked Suzy the Squirrel so viciously that my parents actually began to consider that maybe they had a "problem."

Then, one day, they made the mistake of running out of peanuts.

Sammy did his usual routine - staring at them, chastising them, and waving his tail at them, for a half an hour straight. Then, clearly pissed that they weren't bending to his little rodent will, he climbed up on the screen to their sliding glass door, and pissed all over it.

My mother is a clean. fanatic. And that was the last peanut that that little shit ever got. That didn't stop him from pissing on the screen nightly for 2 weeks solid, until my meek and mild mother finally borrowed my brother's BB gun and started taking aim.

So, my advice is to wait for the inevitable change of heart, and duck when you hear the shooting.

[kayaker]

We live in the middle of nowhere without close neighbors. My gf feeds the wildlife on a large scale. Each week she picks up 25 pounds of cracked corn, 50 - 100 pounds shelled corn, 50 pounds sunflower seed, 25 pounds or less of thistle, etc. Every three weeks she gets a box (25 ponds?) of food grade peanuts in the shell.

You would think our lawn would be a mess, but we bag the grass clippings from the front yard and it is pristine. In fact, one of the big three lawn tractor companies shot some promotional video and stills using our yard.

[tomndebb]

I think the OP needs to approach his neighbors with a suggestion: since they are obviously bored and lacking in entertaining activities, they should shell the peanuts before tossing them in the feeders or lawn. Then they can bag up all the shells and put them in a compost pile. (Maybe the OP could offer to maintain it?) The seniors get to take their minds of the ennui of their lives for a few minutes each day and the OP gets some compost with which to enrich his lawn or garden or, in a burst of neighborly friendliness, he could offer to return the finished compost to their lawns or gardens.

[perfectparanoia]

I don't really get the tirade about the shells on the lawn but one of my neighbours feeds whole peanuts to the squirrels.

Now, we have about a hundred squirrels in our tiny complex.

They eat any vegetables I try to grow.
They bury the damn peanuts in everything. Including under things in the garage.
They antagonize my cats (okay, I kinda like that part.)

Please stop feeding them!

[TriPolar]

Originally Posted by tomndebb

I think the OP needs to approach his neighbors with a suggestion: since they are obviously bored and lacking in entertaining activities, they should shell the peanuts before tossing them in the feeders or lawn. Then they can bag up all the shells and put them in a compost pile. (Maybe the OP could offer to maintain it?) The seniors get to take their minds of the ennui of their lives for a few minutes each day and the OP gets some compost with which to enrich his lawn or garden or, in a burst of neighborly friendliness, he could offer to return the finished compost to their lawns or gardens.

It's possible the neighbors intentionally use unshelled peanuts because it keeps the critters around longer as they uncover the treat inside. The solution would be to teach 100 squirrels and 100 birds a more efficient way to shell the nuts, and leave the shells on the neighbors property. Once that is done, all the other birds and squirrels in the neighborhood will instantly pick up the process.

[ladyfoxfyre]

Originally Posted by Troppus

Ah. So your suggestion is to instruct the local wildlife about the merits of composting and proper waste disposal as well as lawn grooming? I imagine such creatures will be receptive to those suggestions, and will implement the plan somewhere between laughing furry and feathered little butts off at the hungry human who spends hours picking up empty shells and providing entertainment to the kindly elderly neighbors. Good luck, OP!

Local wildlife? I guess I didn't read the part of the OP where the squirrels are feasting on wild peanuts. You're a fucking moron.

[purplehorseshoe]

Originally Posted by otternell

I can sympathize somewhat, as peanuts when they decompose can have a detrimental effect on plants and growth. Husband dumped a bunch of peanuts out for squirrels and there were a lot of shells left right there. The grass stopped growing in that area. Although on the plus side, the creeping charlie did too. . .

I can almost guarantee they were salted peanuts. Hubby went all Biblical on your ass and salted the earth.

[Debaser]

The posters giving the OP a hard time all sound like the type of idiots who toss an apple core out of the car window because "it's natural" and will just decompose.

Yeah. In a long time. Meanwhile it's in someone's front yard rotting.

Some people actually give a shit about their yard and work to make it look good and don't want it to be filled with other people's trash.

My sympathies to you, OP, for your asshole neighbors.

[Troppus]

Originally Posted by Debaser

Some people actually give a shit about their yard and work to make it look good and don't want it to be filled with other people's trash.

Let me guess, your yard has dyed mulch, one row of shrubs color-matched to your garishly painted non-operable shutters, and you raise a din for hours each week-end because you use a leaf-blower each time you mow? Grass in a perfect rectangle and groomed to resemble astro-turf? Also, is there an uptight ninny wandering about picking up dandelion seeds by the individual floss? Your yard looks sterile, plastic, and ridiculous.

You know which yards look good? Those which best replicate a natural environment, attract wildlife, and strike a happy medium between human and wildlife occupation.

[Debaser]

Originally Posted by Troppus

...you use a leaf-blower each time you mow?

Mow? I haven't mowed in years.

You pay people to do that.

[Enderw24]

Go over and ask them to stop using peanuts. Be nice. If one of those old geezers gets in your face and calls you a cocksucker, I want you to be nice. Ask him to walk. Be nice. If he won't walk, walk him. But be nice. If you can't walk him, one of your neighbors will help you, and you'll both be nice. I want you to remember that it's a lawn. It's nothing personal.

I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice.

[ladyfoxfyre]

Originally Posted by Troppus

Let me guess, your yard has dyed mulch, one row of shrubs color-matched to your garishly painted non-operable shutters, and you raise a din for hours each week-end because you use a leaf-blower each time you mow? Grass in a perfect rectangle and groomed to resemble astro-turf? Also, is there an uptight ninny wandering about picking up dandelion seeds by the individual floss? Your yard looks sterile, plastic, and ridiculous.

If there's anyone we can trust on the subject, it's clearly the guy with such a solid command of the concept of nuance.

[Troppus]

Originally Posted by ladyfoxfyre

If there's anyone we can trust on the subject, it's clearly the guy with such a solid command of the concept of nuance.

So your shutters... maroon, right? Got a little smug soldier row of crimson pygmy barberry alternating with variegated euonymous? No? Dwarf nandina? Little row of liriope? Brick nuggets corralled in black plastic edging? And the beautiful arching limbs of forsythia at the end of your drive... you trim that bad boy into a 1950's flattop, dontcha? Good job girl, tame that shit! Don't ever let anyone tell you that symmetry is an abomination in nature. Keep on contrivin'!

[Autolycus]

What the fuck are you smoking?

[kayaker]

Originally Posted by Autolycus

What the fuck are you smoking?

And pass left.

[scabpicker]

And come design the landscape for my front yard.

[Troppus]

Originally Posted by scabpicker

And come design the landscape for my front yard.

Can do. You like peanut shell mulch, right? I like to cut out the middle man and the bitching with one common design element.

[ladyfoxfyre]

It's nice when threads come around like this, where otherwise easily forgettable posters suddenly become "that weird asshole from the peanut shell thread" and you make a mental note to yourself.

[madrabbitwoman]

Any chance of a picture of this peanut defiled lawn

[Debaser]

Originally Posted by madrabbitwoman

Any chance of a picture of this peanut defiled lawn

Forget the lawn. If you send pics, make them of tits.

[Vinyl Turnip]

Originally Posted by madrabbitwoman

Any chance of a picture of this peanut defiled lawn

If this is a "pics or it didn't happen" scenario, bear in mind that the OP could himself scatter some peanut shells on his own lawn and then take a photo. What we really need is video footage of the neighbors feeding the birds, and the birds dropping the shells on his lawn.

Until then, I think it's wise to view this whole "peanuts shells on my lawn" tale as a bit of self-aggrandizing fiction or a ploy for sympathy. The OP may even attempt to solicit donations for lawn care or pest control, and claim to have a life-threatening peanut allergy. We've seen this story a million times before.

[PunditLisa]

Originally Posted by Vinyl Turnip

The OP may even attempt to solicit donations for lawn care or pest control, and claim to have a life-threatening peanut allergy. We've seen this story a million times before.

Those Nigerians are getting craftier and craftier. I like how they threw in "Texas Roadhouse" to make is seem like they were posting from the U.S.

Bastards!

[Darth Panda]

Originally Posted by bengangmo

I vote for getting a BB Gun, air rifle or similar and learning how to cook roasted squirrel with peanut stuffing.

Nah, just wait until you see the neighbors giving out the peanuts, and then shoot them with the BB gun - really not fair to take it out on the squirrels.

[Morgenstern]

Originally Posted by Darth Panda

Nah, just wait until you see the neighbors giving out the peanuts, and then shoot them with the BB gun - really not fair to take it out on the squirrels.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit a peanut with a BB gun?

[scabpicker]

Originally Posted by Troppus

Can do. You like peanut shell mulch, right? I like to cut out the middle man and the bitching with one common design element.

Sure, as long as:

1. You're not married to that maroon color scheme.
2. You fend off the wife yourself if she starts chasing you for scattering shells. She'll probably have the pellet gun at this point. The upside: It's slow to load, so you've probably got a good 30 seconds to a minute between dodging shots. The downside: You're going to get hit just about every time. (see below)
3. Salutations, Opal!
4. If it's as sweet a layout as you envisioned for ladyfoxfyre, you're the artist.
5. Being an artist, you understand all work is temporary, and I'm going to mow next week.

Originally Posted by Morgenstern

Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit a peanut with a BB gun?

If they're still in the shell, it's almost easy with the right scope.