Straight men want to have gay sex with me

[boytyperanma]

This is a reoccurring thing for me. I'd really prefer it wasn't.

I work in the trades and never come across other gay men unless they are customers. Same hold's true for most the men I deal with. It creates a filter in which I'm the only gay man they feel they can talk to.

I'm rarely dealing with intellectuals on a job site. There is a lot of bigotry and ignorance out there. Homophobia is an ever present aspect of my life. I'm out. I try to correct ignorance as I come across it. I feel I manage to navigate the social complexities of this pretty well. Those who are hostile towards me do come around eventually and respect me. I believe that anyway, the other effect is men interested in exploring their sexuality seek me out rather then run away.

I find myself in the situation of having guys confess to me what they are unwilling to confess to anyone else. I didn't sign up to be their keeper of secrets or their counselor. Part of me feels compassion for them, coming out wasn't the easiest period of my life, another part of me wants to berate them for the homophobic notions they bring to the table, if I was more flamboyant they wouldn't even be willing to talk to me.

Talking to guys about sexuality I have no issues with, its the personal interest in me that gets me uncomfortable. Closeted guys creep me out. The dishonesty with themselves and their partners really bothers me. I don't want to be part of it. I have no interest in having sex with guys who are not openly gay.

I feel an obligation not to out anyone, and sometimes these guys share many of my peers, so I find myself with no one that I can talk to about this without inadvertently outing someone. I don't think that's very fair. So now I'm on a message board telling people about it as screwed up as that is.

The two instances that stand out the most:

A friend from high school. I've known him for at least 20 years. We occasionally talk, we weren't particularly close anymore but we've known each other long enough, there was plenty of history behind us. He married a girl some time ago and the marriage fell apart more recently. Since then he's found another women and has been pretty steady with her. My personal opinion is he's an alcoholic. I've received drunk calls from him in the past.
Out of the blue he messaged me saying 'I want to suck your dick.' My response was 'even if you're serious that's never going to happen' Turns out he was serious. It's something he's always wanted to try. We talked for a while and I was pretty clear nothing would happen between us. He quit talking to me for a while.
Time went by we started talking again. We scheduled to meet up for lunch. That morning he messaged me asking if we could go back to his place afterwards and mess around, resulting in me once again affirming no way. He canceled on me, saying it was ridiculous that I'd turn down a BJ.
We ran across each other again, no mention of sex. Thought we had moved past that, then he asked messaged me asking about sex again and I responded 'I don't have time for this' and haven't talked to him since.

The instance that's got me here now is with another guy. We've known each six years or so. We've talked a bit about his sexual interests. He has a thing for transvestites and chicks with dicks. He's married with two kids. He is a very attractive guy and has numerous sexual exploits including cheating on his wife, who I also know independent of him. As I know him a little better then her, I've always kept anything he's said to me confidential. She knows he's cheated on her but to no idea what extent.
He had me over his house to do some work. While I was there we talked a bit and I had a moment of weakness I'm having trouble understanding now. I let him perform oral on me. It was everything I'd expect from a guy with no experience, no good, it ended with me telling him it's not going to happen. That was it. I limited the reason to I can't really be very turned on with out intimacy knowing he is very apprehensive about kissing and such. Our conversation was cut short with the return of his wife.
For me it was more of complete disgust at the situation I'd found myself in. I'd never felt shame before when it came to sex. I don't know why I did it. It goes completely against many of the rules I've established over the years. I'm not against hooking up and am still willing to do so, just not like that.

This turned out longer than I expected I'll just stop throw it out there as is and maybe come back to it. Felt good to just write it out.

[Cat Whisperer]

I don't think those are straight guys.

[John DiFool]

I originally thought, based on the title, that the OP was a lesbian.

Probably because I have met a few lesbians that I definitely would have loved to have done.

[PoorMarie]

I think that having conflicted men approach you is your burden to bear. You are obviously affable and open-minded. You present yourself in a manner that you say isn't flamboyant, so that makes others identify with you easier. So you are a safe way for some to explore desires they wouldn't otherwise articulate. There isn't really anything you can do about that. Nor should you. You are bridge, in a way, and that is never, ever a bad thing in life. Because of that, you probably have a duty to talk to these men but not engage with them. You already know this. I think, given these lovely aspects of your personality, you have to hold yourself to a high standard. The last example you gave probably bothers you because this man seemed more conflicted or confused or vulnerable. Not sure. Maybe I am reading into that. So you can resolve again to go back to a hands off approach if it happens again. But, hey, a sexual encounter you regret? Human nature. Oops. Desires are hell to back away from sometimes. We all have at least three of those we regret...Forgive yourself.

[Waxwinged]

What were you thinking, letting a married man perform oral sex on you?

(And, as the previous poster said, they were definitely not straight...)

[gracer]

Interesting that you feel this happens a lot. Do people confide in you a lot in general? Do you think people often see you as a safe, non-judgemental and kind person to talk to?

I can see how you don't want to walk around with their problems weighing on you. But sheesh, imagine the strain these poor guys must be under. Makes me sad.

[Qadgop the Mercotan]

This guy has an almost, but not completely dissimilar issue

[picunurse]

You are a legend in your own mind.

I had a gay friend that always thought the straight men who flirted with me were actually looking at him. It was never true.

[boytyperanma]

Originally Posted by PoorMarie

I think that having conflicted men approach you is your burden to bear. You are obviously affable and open-minded. You present yourself in a manner that you say isn't flamboyant, so that makes others identify with you easier. So you are a safe way for some to explore desires they wouldn't otherwise articulate. There isn't really anything you can do about that. Nor should you. You are bridge, in a way, and that is never, ever a bad thing in life. Because of that, you probably have a duty to talk to these men but not engage with them. You already know this. I think, given these lovely aspects of your personality, you have to hold yourself to a high standard. The last example you gave probably bothers you because this man seemed more conflicted or confused or vulnerable. Not sure. Maybe I am reading into that. So you can resolve again to go back to a hands off approach if it happens again. But, hey, a sexual encounter you regret? Human nature. Oops. Desires are hell to back away from sometimes. We all have at least three of those we regret...Forgive yourself.

I never seem to find an upside to being a bridge. I suppose if I wanted to blackmail people I'd have a long list of dirty secrets. Overall it just brings drama into my life with no benefit to me, I'd rather not get stuck with the responsibility.

When I was dealing with gay youth organizations it was rewarding. Offering a bridge to those who desperately want to accept their sexuality is a much different then dealing with those who want sex but desperately want to deny their sexuality.

This guy is actually one of the least conflicted or confused or vulnerable of the guys I've met in this way. He knows what he wants and is a hedonist more then anything. If it wasn't me it'd be someone else.

My concern is more personal reflection. I had no need to get involved but I did. It was self destructive.

Originally Posted by Waxwinged

What were you thinking, letting a married man perform oral sex on you?

(And, as the previous poster said, they were definitely not straight...)

Maybe I'll puzzle that out. Did I mention he's really hot.

Why's the fact he's married have to be my responsibility? Shouldn't people be responsible for their own marriages?

Originally Posted by gracer

Interesting that you feel this happens a lot. Do people confide in you a lot in general? Do you think people often see you as a safe, non-judgemental and kind person to talk to?

I can see how you don't want to walk around with their problems weighing on you. But sheesh, imagine the strain these poor guys must be under. Makes me sad.

One of the aspects that always bothers me when guys confide to me is I come before their wives and girl friends. They've committed to a person but can't bring themselves to talk about their most intimate feelings with them. It is sad.

People do tell me things they wouldn't normally tell anyone, it isn't just limited to closeted men. I describe this as happening a lot as it's more then anyone else seems to deal with, but it's still in single didgits.

Non-judgemental is a trait most people use to describe me. Things people say or do don't tend to phase me or invoke a reaction.

The compassionate side of me emphasizes with their strain, yet my logical devil says wtf I managed to deal with this alone when I was 18, coming from a Mormon household, I didn't burden anyone with secrets or pursue sex while closeted. These are grown men, why can't they think about what the damage they're doing and move the fuck on.

[boytyperanma]

Originally Posted by picunurse

You are a legend in your own mind.

I had a gay friend that always thought the straight men who flirted with me were actually looking at him. It was never true.

Interesting take. Did they suck his dick too?

[boytyperanma]

Originally Posted by Qadgop the Mercotan

This guy has an almost, but not completely dissimilar issue

I loved that article and was thinking about it when I wrote the thread title.

[KermitTheFrig]

Originally Posted by picunurse

You are a legend in your own mind.

I had a gay friend that always thought the straight men who flirted with me were actually looking at him. It was never true.

You read the part where one of them blew him, right?

[Attack from the 3rd dimension]

Originally Posted by Cat Whisperer

I don't think those are straight guys.

You are one of the pillars of the internet.

[Rand Rover]

Originally Posted by Cat Whisperer

I don't think those are straight guys.

I've listened to the Savage Love podcast enough to hear about the phenomenon of otherwise straight guys who apparently feel the need for some dick every now and again. And some gay guys apparently like some action with FTM transsexuals who still have vaginas (so, they look like dudes everywhere except between their legs).

Humans are strange animals and don't always fit into neat black and white categories.

[Ambivalid]

Originally Posted by Rand Rover

I've listened to the Savage Love podcast enough to hear about the phenomenon of otherwise straight guys who apparently feel the need for some dick every now and again.

(my bold and italicization)

Very key word here: otherwise.

[panache45]

I may be wrong about this; in fact I hope I'm wrong about this:

The needle of my Truth-O-Meter is stuck at zero. It's the most ubiquitous gay fantasy: to have sex with hot straight guys . . . and closeted construction worker-types are way up there. I think the OP needs to learn the difference between a fantasy and reality.

Like I said, I hope I'm wrong.

[Throatwarbler Mangrove]

Well, I'm straight but I must say you're making a pretty compelling case for yourself here.

[Little Nemo]

Originally Posted by picunurse

You are a legend in your own mind.

I had a gay friend that always thought the straight men who flirted with me were actually looking at him. It was never true.

An offer to perform oral sex is pretty unambiguous.

[TokyoBayer]

Originally Posted by panache45

It's the most ubiquitous gay fantasy: to have sex with hot straight guys . . . and closeted construction worker-types are way up there.

Humm. It's not like straight guys have ever had a fantasy about having sex with hot lesbians or anything.

The reminds me, did I tell you about the time I walked in on two babes who were going at it, and they invited me to join them . . .

[boytyperanma]

Originally Posted by Rand Rover

I've listened to the Savage Love podcast enough to hear about the phenomenon of otherwise straight guys who apparently feel the need for some dick every now and again. And some gay guys apparently like some action with FTM transsexuals who still have vaginas (so, they look like dudes everywhere except between their legs).

Humans are strange animals and don't always fit into neat black and white categories.

There is a strong connection to this with the two described. Both do have a genuine interest in women. I don't think either are what I consider to be bisexual. Their interests are more kink. Even if they could escape their internalized homophobia I believe they'd still pursue long lasting relationships with exclusively women. Sexuality has a huge grey area that some people never explore due to our social cages.

In some ways I consider myself fortunate to have had heterosexual relations because it clearly establishes that straight sex isn't for me. I don't have to question that because I know from first hand experience.

I identify peoples sexuality as what they tell me it is even though their actions can be quite contrary to it.

Originally Posted by panache45

I may be wrong about this; in fact I hope I'm wrong about this:

The needle of my Truth-O-Meter is stuck at zero. It's the most ubiquitous gay fantasy: to have sex with hot straight guys . . . and closeted construction worker-types are way up there. I think the OP needs to learn the difference between a fantasy and reality.

Like I said, I hope I'm wrong.

I wish this aspect of my life was the realm of fantasy, it would be much preferred to the sick to my stomach feeling of having to live with lies of omission. I talk to this guys wife. I occasionally have dinner with them. If asked directly about her husband, I don't think I could lie to her and that terrifies me.

Straight guys are not a fantasy of mine. I like good sex and real intimacy that's something they can't provide.

People doubting my honesty is something I rarely encounter in life, but I do here. It's is very frustrating to me, and I have snapped at people for it in the past. It makes sense in the world of the internet and especially on this message board to be skeptical.

You are one of the posters I do have a lot of respect for and if I could eliminate
your doubt I would.

[~Olive~]

I have a friend that insists he is straight. He has no trouble telling me he has sex with men. When I said I thought that made him bisexal he insisted I was wrong.

[grude]

Originally Posted by ~Olive~

I have a friend that insists he is straight. He has no trouble telling me he has sex with men. When I said I thought that made him bisexal he insisted I was wrong.

It appears there are some men that consider gay and straight lifestyles instead of orientations, so when they insist they are straight but have sex with men what they are really saying is that they are not stereotypically gay(or bisexual). In their own minds gay and bisexual mean more than just who someone is attracted to.

[picunurse]

Originally Posted by KermitTheFrig

You read the part where one of them blew him, right?

Do you believe everything you read?

[Gyrate]

Originally Posted by Rand Rover

I've listened to the Savage Love podcast enough to hear about the phenomenon of otherwise straight guys who apparently feel the need for some dick every now and again. And some gay guys apparently like some action with FTM transsexuals who still have vaginas (so, they look like dudes everywhere except between their legs).

Humans are strange animals and don't always fit into neat black and white categories.

This was, pretty much verbatim, the thing I was going to post. There really are a small but significant number of straight-identified men who do indeed occasionally want to suck cock but are not interested in any other form of gay sex or gay relationship; likewise there are some (some!) lesbians who occasionally also want a bit of cock in them. You can argue about the labels but that would be missing the point entirely. And while none of that solves the OP's problem, it's definitely not something that only exists in the realm of fantasy.

I've never met you, boytyperanma but apparently there's something about you that appeals to this particular subgroup. The best advice I can offer you is to reassure them that you are aware of people like them, that you're not interested in them, and then point them at Dan Savage. Actually, scratch that: if this is a seriously bothersome problem, point yourself at Dan Savage. He'll give you better advice about what to do with these people than we can.

[An Gadaí]

Stealth brag much?

[Slithy Tove]

Gosh boytyperanma, your'e right to dismiss panache45's thoughts on the matter. Obviously you're a soujurner in Man's Quest for Higher Meaning through Blowjobs, and your dismal reward was to find yourself alone in a world of closet-cases and cheaters. Truly you are the only honest man here. Pease, pin the Congressional Medal of Out over that wounded yet proud heart of yours. (that's what you came here to hear, right?)

Originally Posted by An Gadaí

Stealth brag much?

Well, we've all stealth-bragged. And we've all of us, exclusively straight; bi; and exclusively gay, done essentially meaninless things that had the potential to hurt people unless we dealt with it like mature adults, kept it to ourselves and let time do its job. But of course, it's always easier to use other people's bullshit as a smokescreen for our own.

[manila]

Originally Posted by panache45

I may be wrong about this; in fact I hope I'm wrong about this:

The needle of my Truth-O-Meter is stuck at zero. It's the most ubiquitous gay fantasy: to have sex with hot straight guys . . . and closeted construction worker-types are way up there. I think the OP needs to learn the difference between a fantasy and reality.

Like I said, I hope I'm wrong.

Nope, I think you nailed it!

Unless he is so hot that he turns straight guys gay? You never really know but you can guess

[Bricker]

I must be the world's most credulous dunce.

The story boytyperanma told didn't strike me as inherently incredible. I didn't really get the idea that nabbing a straight guy was such a common gay fantasy, but given the opprobrium still faced by those living a gay lifestyle, I have no problem believing there are closeted gay men, and bi-curious men that live straight lives, and can't see why it's unrealistic to hear about someone encountering them.

[Troppus]

I managed a flowershop a few years back, and the guy who delivered flowers for me was an attractive, muscular, but obviously effeminate gay guy who spent a lot of time working out at the 24 hour gym. Straight guys hounded him. Came in the shop and bought flowers for wives or girlfriends, and always had some reason to talk to Tommy personally "about the delivery". Tommy took his lunch and met the guys at his nearby apartment. We had a running joke "when you taking lunch today, Tommy?" "Oh, you know, whenever something comes up." *wink* Straight guys from the gym buying flowers for women while picking up Tommy were a big part of my weekday customer base.

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

Originally Posted by boytyperanma

One of the aspects that always bothers me when guys confide to me is I come before their wives and girl friends.

[my bold]


Well, there's your answer right there.


mmm

[Dr_Doom]

Originally Posted by boytyperanma

Why's the fact he's married have to be my responsibility? Shouldn't people be responsible for their own marriages?

Umm, maybe because

I talk to this guys wife. I occasionally have dinner with them...

?

Dude, WTF were you thinking? I totally understand that the human male tendency to promiscuity isn't limited to only straight men, but have a tiny bit of good judgement?

It's not like he was some stranger at a bar who happened to be wearing a wedding ring.

I really don't know how you can remain friends with this married couple after what (the two of) you have done. You've joined the ranks of those with whom this guy has cheated on his wife. Congrats.

[Antinor01]

The strangest encounter I ever had was a woman who asked me to hit on her husband. She was convinced he was bi but didn't want to admit it. I talked to him and got the same impression, but didn't pursue doing anything with him.

[DMark]

In my 20's I was actually a pretty hot looking dude (sadly, time and age is an evil master).

In NYC, my boss - married with kids - was constantly hitting on me; grabbing my ass, offering me money to have sex with him, giving me work assignments so I would have to arrive at the office when only he and I were there. I hated this guy and had to quite literally fight him off me on more than one occasion. He just (incorrectly) assumed because I was Gay I would have sex with any and every guy who approached me. (Oh, the lawsuit for sexual harassment I could have had today!!)

In Berlin, this happened even more often - I chalked it up to Europeans being more liberal - but it was the same nonsense. Again, a boss at a magazine would call me late at night and ask me to come over to his house (I declined every time), a co-worker teacher would get drunk and call/stop by and want to have sex (no thanks) and there were several other experiences like this.

I don't deny having the fantasies of the super hot construction worker stop by after work, or having that cop come home and frisk me, or whatever. But I am talking about real-life instances where I was not attracted one iota, and yet would get the unwanted advances by guys who were either married with women or at least dated only women on a regular basis.

I learned my lesson in the (very few) times I actually did stupidly agree to have sex with some guy like this - the guilty looks afterwards, the awkward moments when we later met. I had one guy spread rumors that I was the one who practically tried to rape him and he heroically fought me off (found that story out from a mutual friend), despite the fact that everyone knew he had been coming on to me for months. In other words, this was never a wonderful experience and I quickly learned to avoid the dreaded closet queens and their drama.

I figured many of these guys simply did not know any/many Gay guys and assumed I was safe with this secret and would leap at the chance to have sex with them. Many were pissed off when I refused (especially if they were drunk), others were simply incredulous that any guy would not want to have sex with them when offered the chance.

Did this happen daily/weekly/monthly? No. But it did happen enough to become annoying. I admire the OP for even taking the time to have long(er) conversations with some of these guys. I was far less compassionate. My answer was usually a quick, "No." and move on.

My guess is that some (perhaps lesser attractive) women can tell you stories of hotter guys offering to give them pity sex - thinking they would leap at the chance. I am sure there are even hetero guys who have had women they were not at all attracted to offer to have sex with them. And while I don't doubt there are people who will sleep with anybody, whenever they have the chance, most people do have their standards and know whom to avoid and when to avoid them.

My advice to the OP is just do your best to ignore these types of guys and change the subject, walk away and trust your gut feeling. In the 50's or 60's this might have been a sad case of no other opportunities - but this is 2012 and there is no need to waste your time on some self-loathing closet case. It will not turn out well.

[Cat Whisperer]

Originally Posted by Attack from the 3rd dimension

You are one of the pillars of the internet.

Aw, shucks.

My questioning is limited to how straight the guys in question are; I don't have a problem with Boytyperanma's story. Human sexuality is very complex, and people who aren't comfortable with their sexuality in a world where they don't feel free to be who they are could act in strange ways.

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by boytyperanma

I'd never felt shame before when it came to sex. I don't know why I did it. It goes completely against many of the rules I've established over the years.

You are the other woman now, in your friend's wife's eyes. If she were to ever find out.

[Living Well Is Best Revenge]

Originally Posted by Omar Little

You are the other woman now, in your friend's wife's eyes. If she were to ever find out.

Well, except for the fact that he is a man.

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by Living Well Is Best Revenge

Well, except for the fact that he is a man.

I got that with the sucking dick and all. Hence the italics.

[shijinn]

maybe if we poured some water on it, it might shrivel and disappear.

[MostlyClueless]

Originally Posted by Omar Little

I got that with the sucking dick and all. Hence the italics.

May I recommend single or double quotation marks? Italics are usually interpreted as emphasis.

[/pedant]

[Simple Linctus]

Originally Posted by Bricker

I must be the world's most credulous dunce.

The story boytyperanma told didn't strike me as inherently incredible. I didn't really get the idea that nabbing a straight guy was such a common gay fantasy, but given the opprobrium still faced by those living a gay lifestyle, I have no problem believing there are closeted gay men, and bi-curious men that live straight lives, and can't see why it's unrealistic to hear about someone encountering them.

There are at least three groups of people on these forums (and many others but this is the second worst for it I've been on) though:

a) People who love trying to find falsehoods in things people say. They will even go to a considerable amount of effort and "research" to back up their theories. I call them internet defectives.

b) People who claim men are starting threads for masturbation reasons. Something that probably has never actually happened

c) The rest of us

[Pitchmeister]

Originally Posted by Simple Linctus

There are at least three groups of people on these forums (and many others but this is the second worst for it I've been on) though:

a) People who love trying to find falsehoods in things people say. They will even go to a considerable amount of effort and "research" to back up their theories. I call them internet defectives.

b) People who claim men are starting threads for masturbation reasons. Something that probably has never actually happened

c) The rest of us

Well, to be fair, the people in category a) are sometimes right, unfortunately...

[Waxwinged]

Originally Posted by boytyperanma

Why's the fact he's married have to be my responsibility? Shouldn't people be responsible for their own marriages?

It's not your responsibility, but proceeding regardless of his status was in bad taste. The "other woman" thing is pretty entertaining, FWIW.

[Troppus]

Okay, doubters, here is a test. Go to Craigslist. Your town or the nearest big city. Check the missed connections, gay male or casual section. Search with married, straight, wedding band/ring. Take note of the straight guys looking for oral from other men. It's frequent, it's common; it's a thing.

[April R]

Originally Posted by Simple Linctus

There are at least three groups of people on these forums (and many others but this is the second worst for it I've been on) though:

a) People who love trying to find falsehoods in things people say. They will even go to a considerable amount of effort and "research" to back up their theories. I call them internet defectives.

b) People who claim men are starting threads for masturbation reasons. Something that probably has never actually happened

c) The rest of us

I wouldn't be so sure about that

But to get back to the OP, dude you need to back away from guy number two. If you know he has been sleeping around with multiple people, you are putting YOURSELF at risk. I doubt a serious perv like him bothers to be safe or use protection while cheating on his wife. And even if you don't feel a moral obligation to tell her, you should at least have an ethical one, because who knows how many STDs she has been exposed to and placed at risk for. Both you and she need to get tested ASAP. That guy is a serious selfish a-hole.

[April R]

Originally Posted by Qadgop the Mercotan

This guy has an almost, but not completely dissimilar issue

ahahahahahahahahaha.....OMG stop, I can't breathe.

HOWEVER, satire though this may be the article did have one interesting quote about how it isn't adultery if a straight guy has sex with a man. I think this isn't anything new, (see bacha bazi, castrati, ancient Greeks, pedastry etc.) This is a reoccurring theme throughout history and society. Nothing new, but dud you have to realize you are being used. They don't care or respect you any more than their wives or girlfriends they are trying to cheat on with you.

(I hope I didn't offend, because the few examples I could think of off the top of my head generally involve adolescents and I in no way mean to imply closeted gay males are all pedophiles!! In fact, the guys who did/do participate in this extramarital same sex affairs do label themselves as straight. I too am confused by the apparent cognitive dissonance.)

[colonial]

Originally Posted by boytyperanma

This is a reoccurring thing for me. I'd really prefer it wasn't...

If you are male and they are male then they are not straight.

Originally Posted by boytyperanma

A friend from high school....Out of the blue he messaged me saying 'I want to suck your dick.'

He is bisexual maybe, but he is not straight.

Originally Posted by boytyperanma

...another guy...He has a thing for transvestites and chicks with dicks.

C'mon, this guy is not straight. Not close to straight.

Does "straight" now mean something other than 100% heterosexual?

[typoink]

Originally Posted by boytyperanma

Talking to guys about sexuality I have no issues with, its the personal interest in me that gets me uncomfortable. Closeted guys creep me out. The dishonesty with themselves and their partners really bothers me. I don't want to be part of it. I have no interest in having sex with guys who are not openly gay.

While the situations you're discussing are problematic in plenty of ways, this statement is one I think you might want to look at another way: the guys you're describing aren't "closeted gays." They're likely bisexual, and possibly only slightly so.

The notion that men who are interested in any male intimacy are "secretly gay" is itself an outgrowth of homophobic thinking.

Sexuality can be a much more fluid thing, and sometimes people like experimenting and playing. A man can desire sex with another man without being gay, and that doesn't need to involve any dishonesty -- to himself or otherwise.

That's not to say you can't choose to only have sex with openly gay men; it's fine to be attracted to people of an orientation. But be cautious of considering somebody to be dishonest because they may have a nonbinary orientation or even simple curiosity outside their orientation.

[boytyperanma]

Originally Posted by manila

Unless he is so hot that he turns straight guys gay? You never really know but you can guess

Originally Posted by An Gadaí

Stealth brag much?

Kinda like the kid picked last in gym class bragging about being picked. I'm not so attractive I turn straight men gay, I've been putting minimal effort into my appearance, my ability to attract men I'm interested is quite low as it stands. I'm the only option these particular guys looking to have gay sex see as available.

Originally Posted by Slithy Tove

Pease, pin the Congressional Medal of Out over that wounded yet proud heart of yours. (that's what you came here to hear, right?)

Coming to the Straight Dope for actual emotional support would be a lost cause. Anyone doing so is more likely to receive ridicule for having emotions to begin with.

Originally Posted by DMark

My advice to the OP is just do your best to ignore these types of guys and change the subject, walk away and trust your gut feeling.

Unfortunately my guy feeling is to try and to help them emotionally. Walking away is probably a better option.

Originally Posted by April R

If you know he has been sleeping around with multiple people, you are putting YOURSELF at risk. I doubt a serious perv like him bothers to be safe or use protection while cheating on his wife. And even if you don't feel a moral obligation to tell her, you should at least have an ethical one, because who knows how many STDs she has been exposed to and placed at risk for. Both you and she need to get tested ASAP. That guy is a serious selfish a-hole.

It's a fact of gay life that men willing to sleep around are a risk. The fact that particular guy also sleeps with women doesn't change much. If I wanted to eliminate risk I'd have to do away with a sex life all together or look for that one guy abstaining from sex before marriage I'd have no interest in. I'm well aware risk and safer sex practices and am tested regularly. I have no intention of not having sex.

I understand the disasters brought by promiscuous partners but do not feel an ethical obligation to be the STD police. I'm not going to go around informing people of their partners promiscuity. I'll stick to the role of confidant and recommend safer sex.

Originally Posted by colonial

If you are male and they are male then they are not straight.

Originally Posted by colonial

He is bisexual maybe, but he is not straight.

Originally Posted by colonial

C'mon, this guy is not straight. Not close to straight.

Originally Posted by colonial

Does "straight" now mean something other than 100% heterosexual?

Maybe you could read the thread rather then harp on the thread title, it was somewhat in jest and somewhat true. As I mentioned up thread if someone identifies as straight that's the orientation I identify them as regardless of what their actions might imply.

We'll try to write up a list someday, so you can neatly categorize people under your black and white definitions. It'll be rather short so you can easily follow along.

Originally Posted by typoink

While the situations you're discussing are problematic in plenty of ways, this statement is one I think you might want to look at another way: the guys you're describing aren't "closeted gays." They're likely bisexual, and possibly only slightly so.

The notion that men who are interested in any male intimacy are "secretly gay" is itself an outgrowth of homophobic thinking.

I think we view the term 'closeted' very differently, as you define it it seems it could never apply to a bisexual. I believe someone can be in the closet about one aspect of their sexuality.

Originally Posted by typoink

Sexuality can be a much more fluid thing, and sometimes people like experimenting and playing. A man can desire sex with another man without being gay, and that doesn't need to involve any dishonesty -- to himself or otherwise.

Sexual desire doesn't represent any dishonesty, dishonesty comes about when they feel that the desire needs to be keep secret from themselves or otherwise.

Originally Posted by typoink

That's not to say you can't choose to only have sex with openly gay men; it's fine to be attracted to people of an orientation. But be cautious of considering somebody to be dishonest because they may have a nonbinary orientation or even simple curiosity outside their orientation.

It is an arbitrary limitation I impose for my own well being. I don't think men who are bisexual or in that vast gray area of sexuality are inherently dishonest.

Guys who are willing to cheat on their partners in order to pursue sexual relations regardless of gender are dishonest.

[Gyrate]

Originally Posted by boytyperanma

Unfortunately my guy feeling is to try and to help them emotionally. Walking away is probably a better option.

I'm trying to decide if that's a typo or not.

[gracer]

Another question, also because of Dmark's story. How agressive would you say your experiences were? In my experience as a woman, men can range from politely pursuing you to aggressively demanding sex as if it is their right. Somehow, the persistance in both your stories seems quite aggressive to me. Even after a clear "no" they are still adamant that you should want to have sex with them. Just because you are gay, they have a right to have sex with you.

Were you ever intimidated at any point? Not necessarily scared, they were sort-of friends after all, but being pursued can be intimidating if they won't give up. I wonder about this, because some it sounds like experiences I have had with men who think they are entitled to have sex with me because I am a woman. So I'm wondering if it is also partially homophobic: they think they have a right to have sex with you.

I think to me, that might be the most upsetting thing. You think you're friends, turns out they see you as a sex object. But maybe I'm reading too much into this?