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  #151  
Old 12-07-2012, 10:15 PM
elbows elbows is offline
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Is there a gun to your head? What the....?

Why have you not changed this yesterday? Today, a week ago, a year ago?
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  #152  
Old 12-07-2012, 10:21 PM
KSO KSO is offline
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If you don't know what the financial situation is, and you can't afford to pay the phone bill, how in the world are you going to replace a roof?

You need to take control of YOUR finances ASAP.
  #153  
Old 12-07-2012, 10:25 PM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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Originally Posted by elbows View Post
Is there a gun to your head? What the....?

Why have you not changed this yesterday? Today, a week ago, a year ago?
Hang tight. It's been like this for a number of years. Another few months isn't going to make much of a difference.

I trusted her to be doing the right things with the money, and believed her about paying the bills. Turns out that a loan I had taken out (in my name only, at her request) hasn't been paid in about 10 months now. She's been hiding that from me, and when confronted, said "I told you about that!" Yeah. Like I would have agreed that it was fine to stop paying a loan.

You can see how we've spiraled into divorce over the last few months. She is a control freak, a liar, and has fucked my credit rating.
  #154  
Old 12-07-2012, 10:29 PM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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Originally Posted by KSO View Post
If you don't know what the financial situation is, and you can't afford to pay the phone bill, how in the world are you going to replace a roof?

You need to take control of YOUR finances ASAP.
I hear you. We have available line of credit that we can apply for. It's there and waiting. Both of us need to sign papers to free up the available credit, so she can't do it alone. The available credit for the roof is there.
  #155  
Old 12-08-2012, 04:36 AM
Spoons Spoons is offline
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Leaffan, I hope I'm understanding what you said incorrectly; but just to be sure, is your pay automatically deposited into an account that you cannot access?

If so, that's not right. Speak with your HR/Payroll department, and change it ASAP. Direct it to an account that you control. You can then transfer funds from that to a joint account that will pay for bills, etc., in the interim. Your bank can set that up for you. If your wife doesn't like it, tell her "tough cookies," or similar.

IAAL, as you know, but I am not speaking as one in this post, and I am not giving you legal advice. I am simply somebody who is concerned about you.
  #156  
Old 12-08-2012, 06:02 AM
PunditLisa PunditLisa is offline
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Originally Posted by Leaffan View Post
You are understanding it right. It's been this way for ....... 5 years? Fucked, ain't it?
Dude, it's as simple as filling out a form asking your paycheck be deposited into a different banking account and filing it with your employer. Why haven't you done this? It's your credit rating not to mention your peace of mind.

You can sell the house with an old roof. Just tell your agent to let prospective buyers know that you will pay for a new roof out of the proceeds of the sale.

Oh, and paying for the electric bill with my corporate AMEX would get my ass fired.
  #157  
Old 12-08-2012, 07:38 AM
elbows elbows is offline
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In five years, and into divorce proceedings, and you still haven't done anything to stop her access to your paycheque?

She didn't do anything to you that you weren't willing to lie down and take, (and still are taking.) It might be time to stop singing the victim song, when you haven't been arsed to change this one small thing.

I had a lot of sympathy for you initially, now, a little less. You have known she wasn't paying the bills on time, screwing your credit and yet, even now, the situation remains unchanged. Astounding.

I wish you nothing but the very best of luck, you are clearly going to need it, in abundance.
  #158  
Old 12-08-2012, 08:09 AM
Bam Boo Gut Bam Boo Gut is offline
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[QUOTE=Leaffan;15774664] Turns out that a loan I had taken out (in my name only, at her request) hasn't been paid in about 10 months now. QUOTE]

Because YOU didn't pay it, your loan, you pay no? Why are you not in control of paying your debts?
  #159  
Old 12-08-2012, 09:32 AM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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Originally Posted by Spoons View Post
Speak with your HR/Payroll department, and change it ASAP. Direct it to an account that you control.
Oh, trust me, that's the plan.
  #160  
Old 12-08-2012, 09:34 AM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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[QUOTE=Bam Boo Gut;15775276]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leaffan View Post
Turns out that a loan I had taken out (in my name only, at her request) hasn't been paid in about 10 months now. QUOTE]

Because YOU didn't pay it, your loan, you pay no? Why are you not in control of paying your debts?
Because she was paying all the bills. When you're married to someone who transfers money to an account and says she's paying the bills, there's an element of trust involved that she is, in fact, paying the bills.
  #161  
Old 12-08-2012, 09:49 AM
Muffin Muffin is online now
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Usually the longer people continue to live together after separation date, the more difficult it becomes to untangle their matters. Since property equalization is calculated based on equally dividing the parties' net growth from date of marriage to date of separation date, as opposed to the date they stopped living together, disputes often arise over who should be reimbursed for what following separation, and who should be compensated for what after separation, particulary when one of them has money problems.

The longest I ever dealt with was a fellow who lived downstairs while his wife lived upstairs for eighteen years following separation, with each insisting on being reimbursed or compensated by the other for contributions (monetary or physical) made to the house over that period. Needless to say, it fucked up their kids' heads.

Usually the best thing folks can do upon separation is to each get their own independant lawyer, untangle their financial affiars (incuding each maintaining his and her own separate financial affairs, and one buying out the other from the matrimonial home or else selling the matrimonial home for whatever it will go for at that time and in that condition), and move to separate residences. When folks resist doing this, it usually leads to more misery for a longer period.

Last edited by Muffin; 12-08-2012 at 09:54 AM..
  #162  
Old 12-08-2012, 01:38 PM
bobkitty bobkitty is offline
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Originally Posted by Leaffan View Post
Oh, trust me, that's the plan.
When is this plan taking effect? You wrote the OP on Halloween, almost a month and a half ago. I've personally had three paydays in that time- which in my case would be enough to move into a one-bedroom apartment with security deposit and first/last, plus a little extra, and I most definitely do not make 'decent money.' In that time, you've had (possibly three, maybe more) paychecks siphoned off into the Great Unknown, where they're doing god knows what- but whatever they're doing, they're apparently not paying bills or helping to restore your credit. You've perpetrated fraud on your company twice in four months (using your corporate card for non-corporate items), so you've known for *at least* that long that there's a significant financial hole that money is dropping into. And you say you 'plan' to change things.

You trusted that she was paying the bills- but you've had evidence for at least 10 years that she's not good with money, and evidence for at least 10 months that she's NOT paying the bills. When, exactly, did you think she was going to change? That's not trust- that's putting on blinders and hanging on for the ride.

I'm going to have to go with Elbows on this one. When I decided to get out, I got out- told my husband I was leaving and moved 900 miles away in the same week, with almost nothing to my name. I kept him on my cell phone plan and car insurance because he simply couldn't afford it, and in exchange I got the tax refund. We had to wait to file the divorce until after our bankruptcy went through, but everything was done- signed, sealed, delivered- in less than a year. There was no 'let me keep up the same dysfunctional habits that have kept me mired in misery for 10 years- BUT I HAVE A PLAN TO CHANGE THAT WILL GET ENACTED SOON.'

You realize that that line of credit for the roof may not come through if they see you've had your electricity and phone cut off and haven't paid on an outstanding loan in 10 months, right? NOW who's being unrealistic?

Until you accept the role you've played in this, you're not going to fix anything. Go to HR first thing Monday morning and fill out the one-page piece of paper that gets your paycheck sent to a different account. Call your loan company and get the payments started back up after apologizing profusely. Then get your own lawyer and get your plan actually rolling, rather than playing poor pitiful me until some magical day in April when things will be better.
  #163  
Old 12-08-2012, 02:06 PM
bobkitty bobkitty is offline
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I should add, we were able to use the same lawyer, but only because we pretty much had nothing but physical property after the bankruptcy, and I'd already given him everything when I left. I paid for the lawyer, and it was done entirely with the lawyer and my ex in Alabama and me in Virginia- I never set foot into a courthouse.
  #164  
Old 12-08-2012, 07:25 PM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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Originally Posted by bobkitty View Post
Until you accept the role you've played in this, you're not going to fix anything.
Get real.
  #165  
Old 12-08-2012, 07:29 PM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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I have kids to think of. I can't just sequester my pay and run away. Things haven't been good for years; another few months isn't the end of the world.

The line of credit is secure. We have lots of equity on the house to secure it.

I owe my kids at least one more Christmas as a family. Don't panic. Things will start coalescing in the new year.

ETA: I'm responsible for paying the balance on my corporate card, which I've done. Perpetrating fraud? Take a deep breath please.

Last edited by Leaffan; 12-08-2012 at 07:32 PM..
  #166  
Old 12-09-2012, 06:10 AM
ptr2void ptr2void is offline
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I've been keeping an eye on this thread with interest for a number of reasons.

I've been in a similar situation monetarily. My wife -- also being a control freak -- has always been in charge of the bills. More than a decade ago it was suddenly becoming an issue when I wanted to spend $20 on something, and when I questioned it I found out she had been gambling online and lost > $10000, racked up significant CC charges and fallen behind on bills. We eventually recovered, as it forced her to get a job paying her what she should have been making -- about twice what she was. Thankfully that problem has never again reared its ugly head, and all bills are paid in full monthly.

We now have a not insignificant amount of money in a couple of accounts, but all of these are in both of our names. Were I to ever leave her, I would imagine handling this would be a nightmare in the short term. I honestly wouldn't know where or how to start, and when one person controls all the money, it's certainly not easy for the other to come up with the cash required for a first/last/security prior to leaving.

On top of everything else, it must be very daunting to overcome this. I wish you the best of luck, Leaffan, and will continue following your saga in the hopes it all works out for the best.
  #167  
Old 12-09-2012, 07:37 AM
PunditLisa PunditLisa is offline
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Originally Posted by Leaffan View Post
ETA: I'm responsible for paying the balance on my corporate card, which I've done. Perpetrating fraud? Take a deep breath please.
I, for one, believed all along that you paid it back. But just the act of deliberately putting personal charges on a corporate card is a cardinal sin at my company. And it doesn't matter if you pay it back. So be careful; your company may not think it's such a shruggable offense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leaffan
I can't just sequester my pay and run away.
Take a deep breath, please. No one said you should sequester your money and run away. We said that you should quit depositing money into an account that you have no control over, and cannot even view to ensure that bills are being paid. Months ago, she proved that your trust in her to manage the bills was misplaced. You should have taken the bull by the horns then, for no other reason than to protect your credit score. Instead, you did nothing. And now you're using the holidays as an excuse as to why you've delayed again, as if you can't love your children and take control of the bills at the same time. Please.
  #168  
Old 12-09-2012, 11:00 AM
bobkitty bobkitty is offline
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PunditLisa said it exceptionally well.

Fraud is exactly the word that is used in the agreement we sign for my corporate cards in the part where we agree to only use the card for corporate expenses, so I see no reason to take a deep breath. It's in the same paragraph as things like "jail-able offense." Of course you can argue that I work for a company that's funded by the federal government, and that things are different across the border, but I still struggle with the concept of putting personal expenses on a corporate card. How do you explain the bill to your accounting department? Even if you pay it off, the charge is still there on the statement. I can't even put a glass of wine from a business dinner on my corporate card- putting an electric bill on there (twice) is mind-boggling.

I certainly never said to sequester your money and run, but the fact that you read it that way makes me wonder if you're seeing any movement on your part as a potentially hugely negative thing, since- as you wrote in the OP- you're "not good at conflicts." Changing the status quo=potential conflict, so easier to keep testing the sand around your ears than create conflict. I gave you the example of my own divorce so that you can see how simple changes can be once the final decision is made- I made HUGE changes, very quickly. But all you have to do is chat with your HR department and suddenly you have disposable income at your fingertips rather than in an account that you can't get to, where it's being used.. well, basically to fund whatever your wife has been funding (or setting it aside for) for the past five years. You don't have to make a huge screaming match out of it, you don't have to move out immediately, you don't even have to say a word... just sign a form and it's done. In the land of divorce, it doesn't get any easier than that, but you're pushing back against it.. why?

You owe your children nothing more than the basics- roof over their head, food in their bellies, and love- and peace and stability. How can they possibly be affected by you moving your money into a safe account? How would they even know? How can your moving YOUR money suddenly deny them Christmas as a family?

Incidentally- that thing you 'can't do'? That's what your wife has been doing for five years, and came veryvery close to accomplishing before figuring out that she can't afford the condo. She's been sequestering your money, and was ready to run. So you have the moral high ground.. congrats. But that's not going to get you very far when the new year rolls around and you still have money going into her account instead of into a nice Christmas for the kids (because really- no phone and the electricity shut off twice, plus no loan payments for 10 months? where's the money for the presents going to come from, if you don't take control??) and a little nest egg for you to move into a new place.

Quote:
Get real.
What part of my sentence are you objecting to? The insinuation that you are playing a role in the way your life is unfolding, or the insinuation that if you don't realize WHAT role you're playing and change it, that things will simply continue on as they have been? I can't get much more really real than either of those two statements.

Please re-read the last sentence of Muffin's most recent post. It contains (well, all of Muffin's posts do, but this one in particular) great wisdom.

Last edited by bobkitty; 12-09-2012 at 11:00 AM..
  #169  
Old 12-09-2012, 11:22 AM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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I do appreciate all the advice, and will be acting on some of it shortly.
  #170  
Old 12-09-2012, 09:36 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobkitty View Post
<snip>
Incidentally- that thing you 'can't do'? That's what your wife has been doing for five years, and came veryvery close to accomplishing before figuring out that she can't afford the condo. She's been sequestering your money, and was ready to run. <snip>
That's what I'm seeing, too - every new post is making even more alarm bells go off in my head.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leaffan View Post
I do appreciate all the advice, and will be acting on some of it shortly.
Please, please do - your wife has been monkeying around with your money and the family money for years, and now she is the only one talking to her lawyer - this is not an amicable split. Please start protecting yourself.
  #171  
Old 12-09-2012, 09:56 PM
Rhiannon8404 Rhiannon8404 is offline
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I do appreciate all the advice, and will be acting on some of it shortly.
Ok. We're all just concerned for you.
  #172  
Old 12-09-2012, 09:58 PM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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Ok. We're all just concerned for you.
Thank you. That means a lot to me.
  #173  
Old 12-09-2012, 11:51 PM
stui magpie stui magpie is offline
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I'm new on here so I won't presume to be personal, all I will say is hang on tight, the ride will be rough and long but it will get better.

Getting the divorce is only the start of the fun, from there on it's the interaction over the kids.

I got married young, had kids young and divorced young. One of the reasons was that my wife was shithouse with money, so I didn't give her any. if I gave her $100 to get some groceries, she'd come home with all sorts of snacks and crap but no meat and veg and no change.

We were renting at the time, the furniture was all second hand, the only asset I had was my car. I put her up in a flat, provided furniture, gave her the car and I kept the rented house (that I now own) and the kids. She acted as the babysitter before and after school, then went home leaving me to clean up her mess and cook dinner for the kids. Working full time raising 2 kids while the ex gets all the government benefits is a biatch.

While it was tough, I got through it. Nearly 20 years later I'm in good employment with cash in the bank, the kids are both working my daughter still lives with me, my son lives not far away with his girlfriend and i'm happily single and staying that way.

The ex lives not that far away having racked up 2 more kids and a few more failed relationships in the ensuing years.
  #174  
Old 12-20-2012, 04:27 PM
perfectparanoia perfectparanoia is offline
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Originally Posted by ptr2void View Post
I've been keeping an eye on this thread with interest for a number of reasons.

I've been in a similar situation monetarily. My wife -- also being a control freak -- has always been in charge of the bills. More than a decade ago it was suddenly becoming an issue when I wanted to spend $20 on something, and when I questioned it I found out she had been gambling online and lost > $10000, racked up significant CC charges and fallen behind on bills. We eventually recovered, as it forced her to get a job paying her what she should have been making -- about twice what she was. Thankfully that problem has never again reared its ugly head, and all bills are paid in full monthly.

We now have a not insignificant amount of money in a couple of accounts, but all of these are in both of our names. Were I to ever leave her, I would imagine handling this would be a nightmare in the short term. I honestly wouldn't know where or how to start, and when one person controls all the money, it's certainly not easy for the other to come up with the cash required for a first/last/security prior to leaving.

On top of everything else, it must be very daunting to overcome this. I wish you the best of luck, Leaffan, and will continue following your saga in the hopes it all works out for the best.
Wow! My husband signs over his entire paycheck to me and I pay all the bills/take care of the money. I would never even think to screw us financially.

I work at saving money all over the place with our money. I want us to have a good future. Anyone who would do that is morally deficient in my books.

(Granted, I am very conscious that it is OUR money and not MY money. As such, it should be treated with respect. Also, I show him 'the books' (an elaborate spreadsheet) whenever he wants. Which is rarely. As long as he can get the occasional toy and has a nice, clean home, money doesn't mean a lot to him.)
  #175  
Old 12-22-2012, 09:58 PM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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So, my mum will be here for four days over Christmas. At this point she knows nothing about the separation, etc. My wife says to me "are you going to tell your mum?"

Yes. Yes, I will tell her, but not until after Christmas. I wanted to tell her face-to-face but she lives 400 miles from here and this is the first time I've seen her since the breakup became official.

So, on the last day of her visit I planned on telling her. My wife now wants to be part of that conversation and I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with that. I think I should be able to have this conversation with my mum without my wife being present.

What advice do the rest of you have; is this a personal conversation with my mum, or is it normal for the three of us to sit down together and talk. Frankly, I have no idea why my wife would even want to be in the discussion.

I really need help figuring this one out.
  #176  
Old 12-22-2012, 10:21 PM
delphica delphica is offline
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This is a personal conversation with your mother. There's not even really a debate here. To be honest, at this point, you might need to have it sooner to prevent your wife from blindsiding you on this and cornering your mom at some point during the vacation. At least consider that. As you're all in the same house, you can't really monitor every single conversation two adults have, so there's nothing stopping your wife from catching your mom alone, even for a moment, and saying something like "soooo, has Leaffan told you he needs to have a conversation with you yet?"

If you decide (and it's up to you), you can include something in your conversation with mom that Wife would also like to speak with her, if your mom agrees (and genuinely agrees, I don't know what kind of dynamic you and your mom have, or your mom and your wife have, so mom shouldn't feel pressured to agree). If your wife is a normal person, what she wants to say could be as appropriate as "we want to make sure you don't feel threatened about your role as a grandmother to the kids." Sadly, based on what you have shared about her here, I can imagine it including other crap as well.

I also wanted to add my best wishes for you getting out of this toxic situation. It seems very bad, and that it has been that way for a long time. I admire how you've always tried to put the interests of the kids first ... and I hope you also see that ultimately, the divorce may very well be in their best interests as well.
  #177  
Old 12-22-2012, 10:31 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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Originally Posted by Leaffan View Post
So, my mum will be here for four days over Christmas. At this point she knows nothing about the separation, etc. My wife says to me "are you going to tell your mum?"

Yes. Yes, I will tell her, but not until after Christmas.
Holy crap this is a bad idea. Your wife will absolutely say something sooner and you'd be a fool to let her control that conversation.
  #178  
Old 12-22-2012, 10:32 PM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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To be honest, at this point, you might need to have it sooner to prevent your wife from blindsiding you on this and cornering your mom at some point during the vacation.
Thanks. That won't happen. I'm 100% sure.
  #179  
Old 12-22-2012, 10:35 PM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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Holy crap this is a bad idea. Your wife will absolutely say something sooner and you'd be a fool to let her control that conversation.
No. She would not, absolutely would not, say something to my mum. I know her well enough and for all her faults she would never do this behind my back. Guaranteed.

But should I include her in "the talk" is my question?

Last edited by Leaffan; 12-22-2012 at 10:35 PM..
  #180  
Old 12-22-2012, 10:40 PM
delphica delphica is offline
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No, absolutely not. Your mom needs the freedom to be able to react or respond in whatever way is appropriate given her relationship with YOU. She does not need the burden of having to respond to two people.

If your mom wants to talk to your wife after (either alone, or having your wife join you), then fine.
  #181  
Old 12-22-2012, 11:57 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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I also say not to include her in your talk with your mom - my feeling on why she wants to be included is so she can give her side of the story, but that's not really relevant between you and your mom - your mom will most likely be on your side no matter what your wife says. I agree, too, that your mom needs to be able to talk freely with you.
  #182  
Old 12-23-2012, 12:52 AM
Muffin Muffin is online now
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Poor mom, being parachuted into all this. Bad planning to have her there during the break-up.
  #183  
Old 12-23-2012, 01:41 AM
Seanette Seanette is offline
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Seems rather manipulative from STBX, deliberately setting up a situation this messy and ugly, especially during the holidays.
  #184  
Old 12-23-2012, 04:41 AM
Mona Lisa Simpson Mona Lisa Simpson is offline
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Hey Leaffan, hope your holidays are... well not totally sucky, and all the best.
  #185  
Old 12-23-2012, 06:44 AM
6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast 6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast is offline
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Leaffan, I'm not convinced that the news is best kept until the end of your mother's stay. She may feel 'duped' at the pretence of things being 'normal' for the four days she's there - and then have a bomb dropped on her at the end.

I doubt things will be 'normal' anyway; and it proposes a very uncomfortable dynamic.

I suggest that you call your mum and tell her the basic news over the phone, letting her know that you do want a much more in-depth discussion with her when you see her. I just think that she will need a bit of time to process the initial news, and I think it makes it easier on everyone that there's some honesty going on in the household when she arrives.

She will know there's something 'not quite right' anyway, no matter how well you think you're all covering it until you have the chance to bring it up with her. On your own.

To have this kind of news delivered to her just before she's going 400 miles away, doesn't give her any time to be able to prepare herself. And it doesn't leave you much time to really talk. Being able to say things in smaller chunks over four days, rather than a time-allotted hour (or whatever) before she leaves is much easier for all, I think.

Good luck with it. However you decide to do it.
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  #186  
Old 12-23-2012, 08:06 AM
PunditLisa PunditLisa is offline
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I'm not a fan of bombshells. If you haven't given her even the slightest hint that things were heading this direction throughout the year, then this is going to come as a huge shock. Do you really want to drop something like that on her on the last day, and then shuttle her off?

There are some people (e.g coworkers, neighbors) who I don't tell my personal business to, because it's none of their business. But my siblings, my parents, my closest friends...these are people who I share just about everything with, in part because they are my strongest allies. If I need solid advice, I know I can turn to them. I don't understand why you'd keep something as significant as this from your Mum for so long. But since you did, I implore you not to put on a pretense that everything is peachy keen for 3 days, only to blitzkrieg her on the last day with news of a divorce. I cannot convey how disrespectful that would be. It'd make her feel like a fool.

If there's one person that you should be able to show your true colors to, it's your Mom. Assuming your relationship is a loving one, let her be there for you and her grandkids.

P.S. Oh, and your wife needs to learn boundaries.
  #187  
Old 12-23-2012, 09:15 AM
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Take your Mom out with you, to run an errand, shortly after she arrives. Tell her then. Also tell her wife wants inclusion in the conversation, please just let her have her say, don't let on you already were told.

Telling her something this important just before she leaves is kind of cruel. People need time to process this kind of thing, before they can begin to have the conversation they will need to have.

I have a friend just diagnosed with cancer. He was a little miffed, looking back on how the news was delivered by the doctor. Pretty straight forward, you have this, you need to choose between this and this, you should first speak to these people then return and we'll talk. I can understand why he found it terse. But I explained to him, you only noticed this in hindsight, because you had time to process it all. Any attempt to flesh out things would have been overwhelming at the time, you wouldn't have remembered much, etc. Point is people need time, to take in traumatic things, before they can engage in the conversations regarding it.
  #188  
Old 12-23-2012, 09:22 AM
black rabbit black rabbit is offline
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Did you change your direct deposit yet?
  #189  
Old 12-23-2012, 12:58 PM
FloatyGimpy FloatyGimpy is offline
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Originally Posted by Leaffan View Post
Thanks. That won't happen. I'm 100% sure.
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Originally Posted by Leaffan View Post
No. She would not, absolutely would not, say something to my mum. I know her well enough and for all her faults she would never do this behind my back. Guaranteed.
Just remember "You marry one person but you divorce another".

She wants to be there so you can't say anything bad about her and to make sure your mom hears her side. That she's even suggesting that she wants to be there when you have a deeply personal conversation with your mom shows that you can not trust her motives.

If she had your best interest at heart, she would absolutely want your mother to support you through this and butt out.
  #190  
Old 12-23-2012, 04:06 PM
LurkerInNJ LurkerInNJ is offline
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[QUOTE=Leaffan;15775400]
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Originally Posted by Bam Boo Gut View Post
Because she was paying all the bills. When you're married to someone who transfers money to an account and says she's paying the bills, there's an element of trust involved that she is, in fact, paying the bills.
Trust does not mean you kiss your common sense and all your-self-interest and sense of self-preservation goodbye.

I trust and love my SO, but my duty to myself to ensure my own physical, financial and emotional safety and well being is priority #1.
  #191  
Old 12-23-2012, 05:36 PM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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Originally Posted by FloatyGimpy View Post
Just remember "You marry one person but you divorce another".

She wants to be there so you can't say anything bad about her and to make sure your mom hears her side. That she's even suggesting that she wants to be there when you have a deeply personal conversation with your mom shows that you can not trust her motives.

If she had your best interest at heart, she would absolutely want your mother to support you through this and butt out.
So, I'm taking in all this advice and am appreciative of it all. Mum's here now; I just picked her up.

I really side with what FloatyGimpy says on this. Why else would she want to be part of this conversation with my mum, other than getting her side of the story out. And if that's the case then I get to spill a wagon-load of beans on how our finances have been mismanaged over the years because of her neglect. This is private and no one needs to know this. Nor does my mum need to know the personal details of my personal shortcomings as described by my wife.

Nothing good can come from including my wife in this conversation, can it?

If I do this before the end of the visit it will be really uncomfortable for everyone. If I do this at the end of the visit I'm hearing that mum will feel duped. I'm thinking duped is a better option, and I'm thinking of telling her by myself on Boxing Day as she's leaving.

I'm not sure I feel comfortable with other options really. I'm still open to thoughts and suggestions, and thank you friends.

Last edited by Leaffan; 12-23-2012 at 05:39 PM..
  #192  
Old 12-23-2012, 05:41 PM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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Originally Posted by black rabbit View Post
Did you change your direct deposit yet?
No. Christmas and kids and presents and all. Stay tuned. First thing in the new year. That's when the gloves come off.
  #193  
Old 12-23-2012, 05:47 PM
HoneyBadgerDC HoneyBadgerDC is offline
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Looking back on the way I handled my divorce I have no regrets, She declared war and I acted like i never got the message. I just kept the money comming in and made sure that her and the kids stayed in the house and school they were used to. I went through a year of hell, my car was destroyed, house flooded, girlfriends threatened. I just ignored everything and after about a year she seemed to regain her sanity and we now have a good relationship and the kids didn't seem to get damaged. Much easier not to fight.
  #194  
Old 12-23-2012, 05:56 PM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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Much easier not to fight.
This appears to be the road I'm taking. I want my half of everything, but am completely flexible on furnishings and the like: take what you want. I'm more than willing to pay what I am legally obliged to pay, and expect unfettered access to the kids.

I don't hate my wife, I really don't. But she doesn't know how to love. She really doesn't.
  #195  
Old 12-23-2012, 06:21 PM
Muffin Muffin is online now
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What is the relationship between her and your mom? If it is close, I can understand why she would want to speak to your mother about the separation. If she is not close, then it is an odd thing for her to want to do.
  #196  
Old 12-23-2012, 06:48 PM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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Originally Posted by Muffin View Post
What is the relationship between her and your mom? If it is close, I can understand why she would want to speak to your mother about the separation. If she is not close, then it is an odd thing for her to want to do.
Well, they get along fine, but there's no special closeness or anything. We get together 3 or 4 times a year. It's not like they keep in touch otherwise. I'm the conduit through which all communication occurs.

Is this a typical mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship? I have no idea.
  #197  
Old 12-23-2012, 06:51 PM
Muffin Muffin is online now
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Sometimes relationships are close, but not usually, and it doesn't sound like their's is close at all. My ten cents -- talk with you mom privately.
  #198  
Old 12-23-2012, 07:04 PM
Rhiannon8404 Rhiannon8404 is offline
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I think telling her on your own is the best idea. If your wife wants to talk to her, she can call her or email her or something later. I don't think your mom will feel duped. If she's at all reasonable, she will understand exactly why you chose to tell her when you did. Are you thinking this will be a complete bombshell for your mom? or do you think maybe she's seen it coming?
  #199  
Old 12-23-2012, 07:08 PM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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My ten cents -- talk with you mom privately.
Ya. That's my inclination as well. Thanks.
  #200  
Old 12-23-2012, 07:11 PM
LurkerInNJ LurkerInNJ is offline
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Originally Posted by Leaffan View Post
And if that's the case then I get to spill a wagon-load of beans on how our finances have been mismanaged over the years because of her neglect.

If I do this before the end of the visit it will be really uncomfortable for everyone. If I do this at the end of the visit I'm hearing that mum will feel duped. I'm thinking duped is a better option, and I'm thinking of telling her by myself on Boxing Day as she's leaving.
You neglected to keep an eye on your family finances also.

Take your head out of the sand and come clean to your mother about the fact that you are divorcing at least.
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