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  #1  
Old 12-10-2012, 08:08 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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Just give me my fucking money, already!

It's been a month since we started consolidating all these small 401(k) plans, IRA plans, etc into one account, and to date TWO out of six have shown up in the destination accounts. We're not talking a fortune here, but you would think we were raiding an offshore account for millions. How fucking hard is it to cut a goddamned check and to follow the explicit instructions I sent you fucking fucks? They either make out the check to me, in which case the target account rejects it, or they don't send the goddamn form that we enclosed that the target account REFUCKINGQUIRESYOUFUCKING DOUCHEBAGS, and it's rejected, or some other clusterfuck comes up such as telling us that the plan manager has to fill out the form. That's YOU, you fucking buttcrack-smelling motherfuckers!

A word of advice to my fellow Dopers: whenever you leave a job where you were contributing to a retirement plan, make sure that when you open your new retirement plan at your next employer, that you get the money rolled over. If you're looking at retirement in a few years and plan to consolidate several plans, start now, because these fucking ass monkeys will fuck up an anvil given half a chance and a ballpeen hammer.
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  #2  
Old 12-10-2012, 08:10 PM
DataX DataX is offline
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Care to name the ones who did as requested and thes who didn't?

That sucks BTW.
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  #3  
Old 12-10-2012, 08:29 PM
Dr. Girlfriend Dr. Girlfriend is offline
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You don't have any funds locked up in a certificate that needs to mature first, do you?

That being said, I fully endorse this pitting. I was the IRA adminstrator at my old job, and if I had a dollar for every time a rollover got screwed up I wouldn't be going to work tomorrow. The really fun ones were where they would try to wire the funds to the customer's account. One wrong digit anywhere and the money is bouncing around in cyberspace. And we had some funky wiring instructions. The money had to go through our processing account, then through a corporate account, then finally to the customer. The corporate account step got skipped more often than not.

Good luck, I hope it gets straightened out soon!
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  #4  
Old 12-10-2012, 08:30 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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Originally Posted by DataX View Post
Care to name the ones who did as requested and thes who didn't?

That sucks BTW.
Vanguard fucked it up, as did TD Ameritrade (the administrator for a corporate plan). Fidelity was pretty helpful. State of Alaska fucked it up (or their plan administrator). Smith Barney is hopeless (they finally cut the check and left $.01 in the account ), and we're waiting for the other shoe to drop with Citi. How goddamned hard can this be? They must do this sort of thing every day of every week, but can't get it straight? The sticking point is almost always that they neglect to send the Thrift Savings Plan form that TSP requires. We sent the form to them all, along with the instructions, but some of them seem to think it's beneath them to fill the fucking thing out. I told the guy at Ameritrade: You're refusal to do your job is costing me money, pal. I got a phone call ten minutes later from a supervisor telling me that they would take care of it.

Last edited by Chefguy; 12-10-2012 at 08:32 PM..
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  #5  
Old 12-10-2012, 09:10 PM
the_diego the_diego is offline
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I didn't know Bob Geldof, KBE, was a doper!
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  #6  
Old 12-10-2012, 10:09 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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Originally Posted by the_diego View Post
I didn't know Bob Geldof, KBE, was a doper!
Don't get the connection, sorry.
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  #7  
Old 12-10-2012, 10:15 PM
the_diego the_diego is offline
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During the Band Aid / Live Aid period, when he and the more traditional charity / relief organizations were arranging for funds to send to Somalia, the future knight of the empire got impatient with the endless list of names and places one can deposit his funds to help in the cause. He grabbed the mike and said "Just send the fucking money! We'll get it there!"
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  #8  
Old 12-11-2012, 11:54 AM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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Today my wife called one of her investment management offices, located in Colorado, and told them that they needed to send the government form to the government, as the check would be returned. The Colorado office tells her (even though they have the form scanned into her file and is looking at it while they're conversing): you have to call our office in Anchorage. Okay, what's that number. I don't know, but I'll connect you to our San Francisco office . SF gives her the Anchorage number. She gets a flunky on the phone, who, instead of transferring her right away to someone with a brain, listens to the entire spiel and then transfers her . The next person claims not to see that form anywhere, until my wife tells them: TSP has the check. If they don't get that form, it's going to be returned to you, and in the meantime my money is floating around out there not making me a penny in interest. "Oh, wait, now I see it here. Well, we could fill that out, I guess, and fax it to TSP." You mean like I told you to do in the first fucking place?
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  #9  
Old 12-11-2012, 12:50 PM
Dr. Drake Dr. Drake is online now
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Originally Posted by Chefguy View Post
You're refusal to do your job is costing me money, pal.
More to the point, their refusal to do their job competently is MAKING them money, or at least not costing them any. The longer they hold on to it, the more chance generic customer might say, "screw it, I'll just leave it there until I die / retire / whatever."
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  #10  
Old 12-11-2012, 12:55 PM
Euphonious Polemic Euphonious Polemic is offline
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Originally Posted by Chefguy View Post
Today my wife called one of her investment management offices, located in Colorado, ...
The check will be returned because they will forget to put one of the new cover sheets on the TPS report. Not the old, one, but the new one, that is specified in form 345-65.8

So then they'll have to file a correcting document on form 456.34-99, with it's accompanying cover sheet.

Last edited by Euphonious Polemic; 12-11-2012 at 12:55 PM..
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  #11  
Old 12-11-2012, 01:33 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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Originally Posted by Euphonious Polemic View Post
The check will be returned because they will forget to put one of the new cover sheets on the TPS report. Not the old, one, but the new one, that is specified in form 345-65.8

So then they'll have to file a correcting document on form 456.34-99, with it's accompanying cover sheet.
I didn't get that memo. Could you send me another copy?
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  #12  
Old 12-11-2012, 01:34 PM
Skywatcher Skywatcher is offline
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Originally Posted by Euphonious Polemic View Post
The check will be returned because they will forget to put one of the new cover sheets on the TPS report. Not the old, one, but the new one, that is specified in form 345-65.8

So then they'll have to file a correcting document on form 456.34-99, with it's accompanying cover sheet.
TSP report. Didn't you read the post?
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  #13  
Old 12-11-2012, 01:47 PM
Dr_Doom Dr_Doom is offline
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Originally Posted by Chefguy View Post
Today my wife called one of her investment management offices, located in Colorado, and told them that they needed to send the government form to the government, as the check would be returned. The Colorado office tells her (even though they have the form scanned into her file and is looking at it while they're conversing): you have to call our office in Anchorage. Okay, what's that number. I don't know, but I'll connect you to our San Francisco office . SF gives her the Anchorage number. She gets a flunky on the phone, who, instead of transferring her right away to someone with a brain, listens to the entire spiel and then transfers her . The next person claims not to see that form anywhere, until my wife tells them: TSP has the check. If they don't get that form, it's going to be returned to you, and in the meantime my money is floating around out there not making me a penny in interest. "Oh, wait, now I see it here. Well, we could fill that out, I guess, and fax it to TSP." You mean like I told you to do in the first fucking place?
This was like a Monopoly gradation for emoticons.

=
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  #14  
Old 12-11-2012, 01:51 PM
Morgenstern Morgenstern is offline
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Originally Posted by Chefguy View Post
I didn't get that memo. Could you send me another copy?
Your request must go through official channels on the correct form.
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  #15  
Old 12-11-2012, 02:11 PM
Happy Fun Ball Happy Fun Ball is offline
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I didn't get that memo. Could you send me another copy?
Wait a minute, is your name Tuttle by chance?
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  #16  
Old 12-11-2012, 02:53 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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Originally Posted by L. G. Butts, Ph.D. View Post
Wait a minute, is your name Tuttle by chance?
My next phone conversation: Peter! How's it goin', yeaahhh, I'm going to have to have you go ahead and submit that TSP form again, since you didn't fill out Part II. Did you get the letter telling you to do that, because it was a recent change to your normally inept methods and I'm thinkin' that you probably just went ahead and ignored that requirement. So. . .could you go ahead and make sure that you take care of that for me? That'd be greeaaat.
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  #17  
Old 12-11-2012, 03:08 PM
Kimballkid Kimballkid is offline
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Originally Posted by Dr_Doom View Post
This was like a Monopoly gradation for emoticons.

=
You're short two rolleyes. From what I see it's six rolleyes to one mad.
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  #18  
Old 12-11-2012, 03:18 PM
Dr_Doom Dr_Doom is offline
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You're short two rolleyes. From what I see it's six rolleyes to one mad.
I buy one house, then a second, then a third, then spend the requisite money to place a hotel, instead of buying the fourth house and placing it then removing them all from the board and paying the money for the hotel and placing it.

The colours even match.

In at least one instance of gameplay, I have also had the player upon whose property I unfortunately landed proclaim

"Just give me my fucking money already."

Last edited by Dr_Doom; 12-11-2012 at 03:20 PM..
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  #19  
Old 12-11-2012, 03:19 PM
Moonlitherial Moonlitherial is offline
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I'm with you Chefguy

6 months ago I sent a request to my bank to transfer an RRSP from a holding account where it's earning basically nothing but is sheltered from tax to an actual investment account. 1 month later I sent an inquiry asking why it hadn't been transferred and followed up with another transfer request. 2 weeks after that I followed up again and was told I needed to resubmit the request again. After they lost the 3rd set of forms I filled out the 4th set, went to the bank and sat in an office until they processed them before I would leave. Time spent in office - 3 hours. Relief at leaving incompetent bank - minor cause I'm afraid they're all the same.
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  #20  
Old 12-11-2012, 03:53 PM
friedo friedo is online now
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Last time I tried to do a 401k rollover the destination company lost the check. Where'd it go? No idea. So I had to send them another one. Cancelled the first one. Then what happens?

They deposit the first one, which magically appeared. And despite my cancelling it, it still hit my account. The bank fixed that (since I had cancelled it, after all.)

That, of course, caused the ACH transaction from the original check to be reversed, which caused the destination 401k to put an alert on my account for fraud.

That was a fun couple of weeks.
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  #21  
Old 12-11-2012, 04:33 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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Originally Posted by friedo View Post
Last time I tried to do a 401k rollover the destination company lost the check. Where'd it go? No idea. So I had to send them another one. Cancelled the first one. Then what happens?

They deposit the first one, which magically appeared. And despite my cancelling it, it still hit my account. The bank fixed that (since I had cancelled it, after all.)

That, of course, caused the ACH transaction from the original check to be reversed, which caused the destination 401k to put an alert on my account for fraud.

That was a fun couple of weeks.
It doesn't help that many of these accounts, because of beneficiary or co-ownership, require either a bank signature guarantee or a notary stamp (or both) on their forms.
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  #22  
Old 12-12-2012, 12:44 PM
leftfield6 leftfield6 is offline
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Rolled over a 401K from T Rowe to Fidelity once upon a time when changing jobs.

Had a serious 10 day period of "holy fuck our retirement money has freaking vanished" when T Rowe said they had sent it, and could prove that Fidelity had received it, meanwhile Fidelity said they had no funds from T Rowe, and didn't care what TR said.

Eventually Fidelity "found" it lounging in a "house" account where all funds go when they aren't sure who they belong to. So for about 10 days my approximately 150K was lost.

Partly T Rowe's fault for neglecting to put a specific account number on the funds transfer, partly Fidelity's fault for choosing to ignore that my freaking name was attached to the transfer, and I have a rather unique name.

So, yeah, fuck'em.
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  #23  
Old 12-14-2012, 10:30 AM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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An update: all the various bits of paper have finally fallen into place for my rollovers, although I got a call from TSP yesterday about one of them. My wife's money, however, is all in limbo while these fucking morons play catch up with the paperwork. Citibank is the worst, dragging their feet on sending a simple fax. She's on the phone with them while I'm typing this, giving them hell. They're making excuses and the argument is escalating. She just asked to speak to a supervisor. It takes a lot to get her past calm and rational, and a real mistake to piss her off, which they've now managed to do.

Honestly, if you have money with any of these institutions, find a better safe haven for it.
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  #24  
Old 01-01-2013, 12:00 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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The Final Solution: The last piddling $10K finally made it into my wife's account and was posted last night. The company had neglected to send the TSP form, then sent it along; nobody at TSP bothered to put the two pieces of paper together. Luckily, my wife, who is nothing if not dogged, called them every day until everything was settled or it would still be languishing out there somewhere. So two months to get this taken care of, which should be sobering to anybody who has the same situation.
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  #25  
Old 01-01-2013, 03:51 PM
Uber_the_Goober Uber_the_Goober is offline
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Mo' money, Mo' problems.
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  #26  
Old 01-01-2013, 07:20 PM
SerafinaPekala SerafinaPekala is offline
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One way to handle it is to get a financial planner and have him/her consolidate all the accounts and do the legwork for you. Thats what I ended up doing.
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  #27  
Old 01-01-2013, 08:47 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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Originally Posted by SerafinaPekala View Post
One way to handle it is to get a financial planner and have him/her consolidate all the accounts and do the legwork for you. Thats what I ended up doing.
I'm not paying anybody to do what I can do myself, including annuities and the like, but thanks for the suggestion.
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  #28  
Old 01-01-2013, 09:15 PM
Uber_the_Goober Uber_the_Goober is offline
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Meh, it all depends on what you'd rather be doing. If hollering on the phone is your bag, then more power to you. If you'd rather be out making more money, or relaxing on a Tijuana beach, or anything else....
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  #29  
Old 01-02-2013, 08:42 AM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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Meh, it all depends on what you'd rather be doing. If hollering on the phone is your bag, then more power to you. If you'd rather be out making more money, or relaxing on a Tijuana beach, or anything else....
I'm 65: hollering on the phone is what I do.
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  #30  
Old 01-02-2013, 10:42 AM
Mama Zappa Mama Zappa is offline
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It's been a month since we started consolidating all these small 401(k) plans, IRA plans, etc into one account, and to date TWO out of six have shown up in the destination accounts. We're not talking a fortune here, but you would think we were raiding an offshore account for millions. How fucking hard is it to cut a goddamned check and to follow the explicit instructions I sent you fucking fucks? They either make out the check to me, in which case the target account rejects it, or they don't send the goddamn form that we enclosed that the target account REFUCKINGQUIRESYOUFUCKING DOUCHEBAGS, and it's rejected, or some other clusterfuck comes up such as telling us that the plan manager has to fill out the form. That's YOU, you fucking buttcrack-smelling motherfuckers!

A word of advice to my fellow Dopers: whenever you leave a job where you were contributing to a retirement plan, make sure that when you open your new retirement plan at your next employer, that you get the money rolled over. If you're looking at retirement in a few years and plan to consolidate several plans, start now, because these fucking ass monkeys will fuck up an anvil given half a chance and a ballpeen hammer.
OUCH!!!

We've never had quite the same kind of delays, though it does take longer than it should (most of 2 weeks, during which that money ain't earning any income at all). The annoying one was where they sent the check, made out to something like "in trust for Mama Zappa's 401k".... to *me* (there was no way to say "dudes, send it directly to Billy Bob's Brokers'n'Beer", so I had to **drive** to the nearest BBBnB to hand them the check. At least they didn't handle it in such a way that they withheld taxes!!

This last time around (Typo Knig's former job), they at least managed to get the money wired directly to the new brokerage.

And one time *at* that former job, they were changing brokerages - and the money was not *anywhere* for a full month.
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  #31  
Old 01-02-2013, 11:24 AM
SerafinaPekala SerafinaPekala is offline
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Originally Posted by Chefguy View Post
I'm not paying anybody to do what I can do myself, including annuities and the like, but thanks for the suggestion.
Does the interest you lose while you dick around, aggravation, and amateur bumbling trying to find decent funds/annuities offset the fee of a professional advisor?

Last edited by SerafinaPekala; 01-02-2013 at 11:25 AM..
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  #32  
Old 01-02-2013, 12:56 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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Originally Posted by SerafinaPekala View Post
Does the interest you lose while you dick around, aggravation, and amateur bumbling trying to find decent funds/annuities offset the fee of a professional advisor?
I'm hardly an amateur. I've been successfully investing my own money since the mid-80s. And annuities are bullshit for someone like me, who wants to have control over his money. An annuity takes that away from you, as you can't access the cash if you need it. Additionally, if you have an annuity and you die, the money goes to whoever is holding it for you and not to your heirs (spouse excepted, I believe).

While spending a couple of months getting this straightened out has been an aggravation, my outrage is more about how incompetent investment companies are than about losing a bit of interest. But I should trust a professional adviser to take care of business? No thanks.
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  #33  
Old 01-02-2013, 08:41 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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I'm 65: hollering on the phone is what I do.
Hell, I can do that now - are you saying I'll get better at it in 20 years?

I'm very glad to hear you finally got it all straightened out, and I get what you're saying - you shouldn't have to be a professional financial advisor for financial institutions to not dick you around and waste your time.
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  #34  
Old 01-03-2013, 10:23 AM
Gangster Octopus Gangster Octopus is offline
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"Where's the money, Lebowski?"
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  #35  
Old 01-03-2013, 05:23 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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"Where's the money, Lebowski?"
"Is it safe?"

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  #36  
Old 01-04-2013, 06:40 AM
Fear Itself Fear Itself is online now
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Wait a minute, is your name Tuttle by chance?
Sorry, it says Buttle.
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  #37  
Old 01-04-2013, 08:52 AM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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Sorry, it says Buttle.
Is that a Steven Banks reference?
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  #38  
Old 01-04-2013, 08:54 AM
PunditLisa PunditLisa is offline
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My husband is a financial advisor. If it's any consolation, they make as many mistakes when you want to give them money as when you want to take it away. Dealing with "back office" mistakes is one of the most frustrating parts of his business. After her third mistake in rolling over an IRA, he admonished one incompetent lady at HQ to try really hard not to piss off his clients, as that is who paid her salary.

Her response, "I don't get paid by your client. I get paid by Corporate."

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  #39  
Old 01-04-2013, 09:58 AM
Fear Itself Fear Itself is online now
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Is that a Steven Banks reference?
Brazil:
Quote:
Sam Lowry (Jonathan Pryce) is a low-level government employee who has frequent daydreams of saving a beautiful maiden. One day he is assigned the task of trying to rectify an error caused by a fly getting jammed in a printer, which caused it to misprint a file, resulting in the incarceration and death during interrogation of Mr. Archibald Buttle instead of the suspected "terrorist", Archibald Tuttle.
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  #40  
Old 01-04-2013, 02:39 PM
Folacin Folacin is offline
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An annuity takes that away from you, as you can't access the cash if you need it.
Call JG Wentworth!
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  #41  
Old 01-04-2013, 02:47 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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Originally Posted by PunditLisa View Post
My husband is a financial advisor. If it's any consolation, they make as many mistakes when you want to give them money as when you want to take it away. Dealing with "back office" mistakes is one of the most frustrating parts of his business. After her third mistake in rolling over an IRA, he admonished one incompetent lady at HQ to try really hard not to piss off his clients, as that is who paid her salary.

Her response, "I don't get paid by your client. I get paid by Corporate."

That's about as bright as the companies I've worked for that don't consider any accounting staff as valuable because they aren't "revenue generators" like the idiot salesmen. Yes, the company will survive a long, long time with nobody to take the cheques to the bank or keep track of who's paid and who hasn't and file the taxes and stuff.
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  #42  
Old 01-04-2013, 08:34 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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Originally Posted by Fear Itself View Post
Not familiar with it. Steven Banks is an entertainer who did a one man show many years ago, wherein he played an easily distracted procrastinator. His boss was Mr. Buttle (butthole). It was a funny bit, but not many people know about it.
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  #43  
Old 01-04-2013, 10:12 PM
Dallas Jones Dallas Jones is offline
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Chefguy, you need to be more like Pearl the Landlord.

For your amusement:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/74/...-panther-mckay
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