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  #51  
Old 11-29-2005, 06:28 PM
betenoir betenoir is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake
"Colder than a whore's heart."
Wait a minute. What are you implying about Johnny L.A?
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  #52  
Old 11-29-2005, 06:34 PM
betenoir betenoir is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanteuse
"Spring has sprung,
And fall has fell.
Winter is here
And it's colder than usual."
Winter is icummen in,/ Lhude sing Goddamm,/ Raineth drop and staineth slop,/ And how the wind doth ramm!/ Sing: Goddamm.

Skiddeth bus and sloppeth us,/ An ague hath my ham./ Freezeth river, turneth liver,/ Damn you, sing: Goddamm./ Goddamm, Goddamn, ‘tis why I am, Goddamm/ So ‘gainst the winter’s balm./ Sing, goddamm, damm, sing Goddamm./ Sing goddamm, sing goddamm, DAMN
  #53  
Old 11-29-2005, 07:10 PM
Beware of Doug Beware of Doug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ElvisL1ves
It's so cold, down on the street corner I saw a politician with his hands in his OWN pockets.
That joke is so old Bob Hope told it during the war. The first war.
  #54  
Old 11-29-2005, 10:13 PM
Johnny L.A. Johnny L.A. is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by betenoir
Wait a minute. What are you implying about Johnny L.A?
I'm not a whore!

I'd do it free.
  #55  
Old 11-29-2005, 10:23 PM
Northern Piper Northern Piper is online now
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"Cold enough to see a dog's fart."

(This is actually a real one - i've seen it, while walking my dog in -30 weather and waiting for her to get it done.)
  #56  
Old 12-01-2005, 10:16 AM
5que 5que is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Northern Piper
"Cold enough to see a dog's fart."

(This is actually a real one - i've seen it, while walking my dog in -30 weather and waiting for her to get it done.)
Okay, now I'm really being serious -- this is something I have thought about for a couple of years. When it's real cold outside and you fart, does steam come out your ass? As I get older, I seem to get a lot gassier, and it does become a concern on the cold Chicago mornings walking from the train station to work. In the summer I can sneak a few out crossing Wacker, but in the winter I'm afraid I will be spotted.
  #57  
Old 12-01-2005, 01:12 PM
Clock Clock is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowval
I've always heard it as "Colder than a witch's titty on a brass broomstick." Why she'd put her tit on a brass broomstick, I've no idea.
Have to confess not having heard the witches tit/colder than here in England.

However........we do say "Flatter than a witches tit" when referring to crap beer
  #58  
Old 12-01-2005, 02:18 PM
matt_mcl matt_mcl is offline
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There's an excellent phrase book of the Canadian Prairies called Cold as a Bay Street Banker's Heart.

It contains other useful expressions such as "useless as tits on a boar" and "CBC sunshine" (rain or other foul weather after the CBC says it will be sunny).
  #59  
Old 12-01-2005, 03:03 PM
Batsinma Belfry Batsinma Belfry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 5que
Okay, now I'm really being serious -- this is something I have thought about for a couple of years. When it's real cold outside and you fart, does steam come out your ass? As I get older, I seem to get a lot gassier, and it does become a concern on the cold Chicago mornings walking from the train station to work. In the summer I can sneak a few out crossing Wacker, but in the winter I'm afraid I will be spotted.
I would think that the gas would have to be expeled in a burst, in order to be very noticable.
  #60  
Old 12-01-2005, 03:30 PM
CalMeacham CalMeacham is offline
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Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Northern Piper
"Cold enough to see a dog's fart."

(This is actually a real one - i've seen it, while walking my dog in -30 weather and waiting for her to get it done.)


Okay, now I'm really being serious -- this is something I have thought about for a couple of years. When it's real cold outside and you fart, does steam come out your ass? As I get older, I seem to get a lot gassier, and it does become a concern on the cold Chicago mornings walking from the train station to work. In the summer I can sneak a few out crossing Wacker, but in the winter I'm afraid I will be spotted.
Someone started a Thread on the SDMB a year or two ago claiming that they did see one in the winter, generated by a human being. A very unfortunate woman.
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  #61  
Old 12-01-2005, 04:28 PM
AskNott AskNott is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnny L.A.
I'm not a whore!

I'd do it free.
A dancer in a local breast bar explained it to me, "A whore will screw anybody; a prostitute will screw anybody for money."
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  #62  
Old 12-03-2005, 10:28 PM
Northern Piper Northern Piper is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 5que
Okay, now I'm really being serious -- this is something I have thought about for a couple of years. When it's real cold outside and you fart, does steam come out your ass? As I get older, I seem to get a lot gassier, and it does become a concern on the cold Chicago mornings walking from the train station to work. In the summer I can sneak a few out crossing Wacker, but in the winter I'm afraid I will be spotted.
I would have thought that clothes (pants, coat) would block it enough to dissipate. so it wouldn't be seen. Dogs, not having such accoutrements, can emit little bursts of steam that can be seen
  #63  
Old 12-03-2005, 10:29 PM
Northern Piper Northern Piper is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matt_mcl
There's an excellent phrase book of the Canadian Prairies called Cold as a Bay Street Banker's Heart.

It contains other useful expressions such as "useless as tits on a boar" and "CBC sunshine" (rain or other foul weather after the CBC says it will be sunny).
My brother-in-law used a real Prairieism the other day: "He's so crooked he could sleep in a grain auger."
  #64  
Old 12-03-2005, 11:35 PM
Derleth Derleth is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by betenoir
Winter is icummen in,/ Lhude sing Goddamm,/ Raineth drop and staineth slop,/ And how the wind doth ramm!/ Sing: Goddamm.

Skiddeth bus and sloppeth us,/ An ague hath my ham./ Freezeth river, turneth liver,/ Damn you, sing: Goddamm./ Goddamm, Goddamn, ‘tis why I am, Goddamm/ So ‘gainst the winter’s balm./ Sing, goddamm, damm, sing Goddamm./ Sing goddamm, sing goddamm, DAMN
Where does this come from? It's wonderful.

ObOT:
Colder than liquid hydrogen.
Colder than a Peltier on Pluto*.
Colder than a submarine's skin.

*(I know they aren't Magical Mystery Heat Pumps, or even all that efficient, but the euphony is nice.)
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  #65  
Old 12-04-2005, 04:51 AM
betenoir betenoir is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derleth
Where does this come from? It's wonderful.
I wrote it.

Ok, Goddamn it, I didn't write it, but as it seems to have snowed last night and I have to get up and go to work in it I could have, right now.

Actually, Ezra Pound wrote it.
  #66  
Old 12-04-2005, 06:46 AM
Pythian Habenero Pythian Habenero is offline
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I've always heard "colder than a witch's... mitt". And politely assumed that it would obviously have to get very cold before a witch would wear mittens.
  #67  
Old 12-04-2005, 09:48 AM
El Escorpio El Escorpio is offline
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A friend and I always say, "Colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra..."

then add, "...doing pushups in the snow."

Don't know why, but the last image always makes me chuckle.
  #68  
Old 12-05-2005, 09:09 PM
Paul in Qatar Paul in Qatar is offline
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Cold, colder than my first wife's heart.
Cool as deep space.
  #69  
Old 12-05-2005, 09:42 PM
Nature's Call Nature's Call is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Foreigner
You're as cold as ice / You're willing to sacrifice our love
um, duh!
  #70  
Old 12-05-2005, 10:17 PM
Colibri Colibri is offline
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Colder'n a huskie's nuts in a dogsled race.
  #71  
Old 01-22-2013, 09:25 AM
zhrona zhrona is offline
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Brass

Colder than the brass balls on a monkey. (R)
Colder than a brass monkey. (PG)
Colder than a mu'u'fuka out dey. (R)
  #72  
Old 01-22-2013, 09:31 AM
Aspidistra Aspidistra is online now
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...older than a brass archaeological find...
  #73  
Old 01-22-2013, 09:38 AM
Amateur Barbarian Amateur Barbarian is offline
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Bit of a tangent, but I always liked the phrase "cool as the other side of the pillow."
  #74  
Old 01-22-2013, 11:24 AM
Spiderman Spiderman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aspidistra View Post
...older than a brass archaeological find...
Are zombies warm blooded or cold blooded creatures? [/hijack]
  #75  
Old 01-23-2013, 08:33 AM
Enright3 Enright3 is offline
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It's colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra.
It's colder than a warlock's cock in brass jock.
  #76  
Old 01-23-2013, 08:36 AM
Enright3 Enright3 is offline
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Hotter than a whore on nickle night.
  #77  
Old 01-23-2013, 05:47 PM
TreacherousCretin TreacherousCretin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AskNott View Post
A dancer in a local breast bar explained it to me, "A whore will screw anybody; a prostitute will screw anybody for money."
And a "slut" will screw anybody but you.
  #78  
Old 01-23-2013, 07:06 PM
Satchmo Satchmo is offline
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My grandpa always used to say "Colder than a well digger's ......... destination."
  #79  
Old 01-23-2013, 07:38 PM
Mr. Me Mr. Me is offline
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"Our summers are a balmy minus ninety nine degrees
When we swagger through the woods, our nipples knock down all the trees"

From We Are The Vikings by Kobi LaCroix.
  #80  
Old 01-23-2013, 10:01 PM
stui magpie stui magpie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trunk View Post
I've heard "tighter than a nun's cunt" but not colder than.

One to add: Cold enough to fuck a polar bear.

Alt: Cold enough to fuck a penguin.

Eh, let's make one up: colder'n a penguin popsicle.
I've usually related the Nun's hoo haa to Dry. As in when you're hot and really thirsty I'd say I'm as dry as a Nuns Cnut. At least that's how I learned it when I was a kid.


For Cold, mine have been covered.

Cold as a mother in laws kiss
cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey
  #81  
Old 01-24-2013, 04:42 AM
Mona Lisa Simpson Mona Lisa Simpson is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanteuse View Post
A little ditty my dad used to say:

"Spring has sprung,
And fall has fell.
Winter is here
And it's colder than usual."

It always got a laugh out of us--and when we were really young, we liked saying it at school just to see the look on the other kids faces when they thought a "bad word" was about to be said!
My great uncle would say this, but instead of "than usual" he would say "strictly necessary".

My dad would always say "Its so cold I have to bring the monkey inside" ... because he wasn't allowed to talk about monkey testicles (brass or otherwise) in front of children.

It is so cold the post man is peeing popsicles. (We once saw a postie peeing behind a bush)
  #82  
Old 01-24-2013, 09:18 AM
wguy123 wguy123 is offline
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Colder than a well digger's chicken.

Courtesy of Ren (only watch the first 18 seconds):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25hK0OL9DuQ
  #83  
Old 01-24-2013, 10:46 AM
jrbor76 jrbor76 is offline
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Damn, plenty of uses of "polar bear's" already.

Personally I prefer "a polar bear's unmentionables". Leaves plenty to the imagination.
  #84  
Old 12-20-2016, 09:14 AM
SpaceRat SpaceRat is offline
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Colder

"It's colder than my ex-wife's heart"
  #85  
Old 12-20-2016, 09:39 AM
yanceylebeef yanceylebeef is offline
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It's so cold, I saw a fur wearing a fat lady."
  #86  
Old 12-20-2016, 09:57 AM
Omar Little Omar Little is offline
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One I used to hear:

It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.
  #87  
Old 12-20-2016, 12:47 PM
WOOKINPANUB WOOKINPANUB is offline
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Colder than a three year old zombie.
  #88  
Old 12-20-2016, 03:18 PM
Doctor Jackson Doctor Jackson is offline
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Colder than divorce court in February.
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