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#2
03-24-2002, 03:59 PM
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Very good. Certainly beats my previous favorite, which never fails to elicit baffled silence from my high school students:
Rene Descartes walks into a bar, orders a beer, and drinks it at a gulp. "Would you like another?" asks the bartender. Descartes consideres the question. "I think not," he says, and disappears. 
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#6
03-24-2002, 06:16 PM
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The joke works three ways:[list=1][*]The leader of the Peasants' Revolt was Watt Tyler. The first pun is on the similarity of this name to "what".[*]The pedantry is in changing "what" to "which".[*]And of course "pedant" sounds like "peasant".[/list=1]And finally there's the smug afterglow when one gets it.
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#7
03-24-2002, 08:58 PM
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A 32-year-old Haitian male walks into a bar.
He presents with ankylosing spodyarthirits and a duck under his arm. He tells the bartender, "My serum alkaline phospatase is elevated with .05 mg/L of meperidine in my plasma and I bet $100 my duck can shit into a shotglass ten feet away." The bartender says, "Is this just an ordinary duck who has not been administered a dose of Baclofen or Cyclobenzaprine?" The Haitian says "Well, lumbar puncture has been performed and revealed gram-negative cocci and decreased leukocytes, but other than that, it's an ordinary duck." "You got a bet if I can perform a rectal biopsy and independent bloodwork." "Of course." The bartender puts a shotglass on the bar about seven feet away indicating either excessive confidence or a partial loss of visual acuity. The duck passes a reddish, gelatinous-looking stool right onto the bar and nowhere near the shotglass. The bartender laughs and says, "Either you're the dumbest ankylosing Haitian I ever met or you're suffering from cerebral hemorrhage." The Haitian, without increase in BP, pulls out a hundred dollar bill and says, "I may be a dumb ankylosing Haitian, but I just bet those first-year interns in the corner 500 bucks a piece I could get my duck to shit all over your bar and you'd laugh about it." The duck is most likely suffering a deficiency of: A. Ceftriaxone B. Erythromycin C. Methicillin D. Tetracycline E. Vancomycin  Granted, the joke itself is old hat; but I've always loved the embellishments.
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#9
03-24-2002, 09:56 PM
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You smart people are funny!
Here's mine: Two dudes walk into a bar, two dudes... No, that's not it. And these nuns... No. Two dudes, there's these two dudes. Dressed like nuns! Aw, forget it. That duck sauce joke was true genius.
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#10
03-25-2002, 12:34 AM
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I pulled off an impromptu pun that no one but I ever seems to get:
I had a co-worker who was a math genius and a lapsed Catholic. One day she was telling the story of how as a child she always confused the blessing of throats on February 3 (in which unlit candles are touched to the throat) with the blessing of the Easter Candle on Holy Saturday. I immediately retorted, "Oh? Confusing your Blaise with Pascal?"
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#12
03-25-2002, 01:47 AM
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In the manner of Pygmaliontwo professors entered into a bet whereby the first professor was to take two prostitutes and give them a classic education. Things went fine at first, the women did well in astronomy, being already acquainted with the night sky, and were familar with Latin due to many encounters with priests. But, to the surprise of both professors, the women enjoyed philosophy most of all, and took to it like ducks to water.
After a few weeks, the second professor went to his friend's house to concede defeat--the prositutes were even learning Greek! But, when he arrived at his friend's house, the study where the women had been learning was in shambles, the professor was halfway through his second gin and tonic and the women were gone. "Dear God, what happened?" he asked. "I have no idea," replied his friend. " We had just turned to the study of the early French philosphers, and the women got quite irrational, and then stormed out. What could have gone wrong?" Wait for it . . . . "It's very simple, everyone knows you can't put Descartes before the whores."
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#13
03-25-2002, 01:57 AM
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I don't know about intellectual, but this one is sophisticated.
A very sophisticated man walks up to a very sophisticated woman at a barstool and says "Want to have sex?" She says "Your place or mine?" And he says "If there's going to be a dicussion about it, then forget the whole thing." (Runs in Playboy's Party Jokes as a classic every couple of years.)
__________________
[[[ ++ ]]]
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#14
03-25-2002, 02:04 AM
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I think the OP confuses being intellectual with rote learning of historical dates and names
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#16
03-25-2002, 03:04 AM
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Quote:
Thanks for your amusing contribution to this thread. 
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#17
03-25-2002, 03:10 AM
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What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
__________________
--> ask me about my grandsnakes!
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#18
03-25-2002, 04:33 AM
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Esoteric jokes can be fun.... have you heard the one about the programmer whose graphics software stored every line in four bytes or less?
He managed to fit an edge in word-ways.
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#19
03-25-2002, 05:46 AM
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jjimm that was a hoot. Thanks for starting the thread.
Kallessa, loved yours too. Mr Mame, to whom I was reading this thread, has stopped trying to clean the beer out of his keyboard and gone to watch "Buffy". Apparently it hurts more than coffee when expelled through the nose (that would be the beer, not Buffy!). Try "Feghoot" in Google for similar tales. Don't know if my favourite counts as intellectual, but here goes: Q How do you titillate an ocelot? A: Oscillate it's tits a lot.
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#21
03-25-2002, 06:00 AM
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Quote:
And the monk gets his hot dog and gives the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor just puts it in his pocket, so the monk says, "Hey, where's my change?" The hot dog vendor says, "Change comes from within."
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#22
03-25-2002, 06:02 AM
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Quote:
"Change comes from within." Heh, heh, heh... Ditto jjimm (the post on top of mine).
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#23
03-25-2002, 06:12 AM
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Whoa, my very first simulpost!
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#25
03-25-2002, 06:20 AM
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Quote:
No, no, no! The moral is: "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think!"
__________________
"You know nothing, Sergeant Schultz"
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#27
03-25-2002, 07:07 AM
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Quote:
__________________
'Never say "no" to adventure. Always say "yes". Otherwise you'll lead a very dull life.' -- Commander Caractacus Pott, R.N. (Retired) 'Do not act incautiously when confronting a little bald wrinkly smiling man.' -- Lu-Tze
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#30
03-25-2002, 08:26 AM
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Costello: So the Peasants had a Revolt in 1380? What was the name of their leader?
Abbott:Yes. Costello: The Leader of the Peasant's REvolt of 1380. What was the name of the guy in charge? Abbott: Yes, that's right. Costello: All I'm tryin' to find out is what's his name! Abbott: Yes, it is! Costello: The Peasant in England. They had a Revolt, in 1380? Abbott: Yes Costello: They had a leader? Abbott: Yes, they did. Costello: What was his name? Abbott: Yes! Costello: All I'm tryin' to find out is Who ran the Revolt! Abbott: Oh, no, no no. Wat was his name. Costello: What was the name of the guy running the Revolt? Abbott: Yes. Costello: His name was WHat? Abbott: Yes, it was. Costello (looks at camera knowingly): Hmm Hmmmm! So Yes was the name of the guy running the Peasants revolt! Abbott: Wat was his name! Costello: What was his name? Abbott: Yes! Costello: So Yes was the name of the guy running the Revolt! Abbott: No!
__________________
"You know nothing, Sergeant Schultz"
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#31
03-25-2002, 08:32 AM
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Not truly intellectual, but at least biblical.
Jesus is walking through Jerusalem, when an angry crowd pulling a young woman passes by. Jesus asks: "What are you gonna do with her?" The crowd: "She's a sinner! We'll stone her!" Jesus: "Ah, then wait a moment. You know how it goes; let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Bang - a stone hits him in the neck. Jesus turns around and shouts, "Sometimes, you're just plain silly, mother."
__________________
PLEONASM: An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. --- Ambrose Bierce
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#32
03-25-2002, 09:33 AM
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Two atoms are walking down the street when they bump into each other. One atom seems fine, but the other atom is obviously shaken up.
"Are you all right?" asks the one atom solicitously. "No!" cries the other atom, looking about frantically. "I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"
__________________
"There's no 'I' in team -- but there are two in MrVisible." -- Thanks, jr8 mrvisible.com
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#33
03-25-2002, 09:49 AM
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Grrrr!
That should be Peasant's Revolt of 1381, dammit! I should know. I wrote a play about this, once. Pedant's Revolt, indeed!
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#34
03-25-2002, 10:02 AM
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Two cats slide down a roof. Which hits the ground first?
A: The one with the smallest [sym]m[/sym]. Then of course there is the dyslexic agnostic insominac joke. And the one about a pony confusing x- and y-coordinates with the punchline "Can't put Descartes before the horse". Ho hum. So why did the architect have his housemaid backwards? Ah. That one doesn't really work if written down, does it? pan
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#38
03-25-2002, 03:05 PM
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An excellent collection of light bulb jokes that cover philosophy as well as a lot of Biblical research jokes can be found here : http://www.webcom.com/~ctt/comic.html (the philosophical ones are further down)
My favorite from there : How many monists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be silly, there's only ONE monist ... Also from the same humor page : Causes of Death for some of the great philosophers... (From Jan94, "From the Editor", Ethics ------------------------------------------------------------- Thales:Drowning Parmenides: It wasn't anything at all Ockham: Cut while shaving Russell: Cut while being shaved by one who did not shave himself Descartes: Stopped thinking Spinoza: Substance abuse Leibniz: Monadnucleosis Darwin: Natural causes Hume: Unnatural causes Kant: Transcendental causes (although it was his own idea) Paley: By design Heidegger: By Dasein Meinong: Climbing accident Neurath: Boating accident G.E. Moore: By his own hand, obviously Sheffer: Stroke Sartre: Nausea Pascal: Became despondent after losing a wager Wittgenstein: Tried to see if death was an experience one lived through. (Alternate: fell off a ladder) Hegel: Collision with owl at dusk They also have a long 'Teleology of Chicken and Road' list of responses, e.g. from B.F. Skinner: "Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will." And my favorite 'obscure knowledge' joke, especially since it's so long and in a subject I studied in detail (it's of a mathematical nature), can be found in my post in this thread Ghastly Puns, pg. 3
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#41
03-25-2002, 06:51 PM
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This one gets the planners rolling over, but results in nary a snort among laypeople.
In a mid-size, mid-American city, with a mid-size planning department was a zoning administrator who held his post for over 30 years. He had a peculiar morning routine upon his arrival at the office; he would always sit down at his desk, the stealthily look around the office to see if anyone was looking (he never noticed, that the whole office did notice this everyday), then, unlock his top center desk drawer, quickly glance at a 3"x5" card, quickly put the card back in the drawer, and proceed with his daily tasks. This morning ritual had gone on for as long as anyone in the office could remember. One day, unfortunately, the zoning czar dies. The whole office attends his funeral, three days later, in the morning. Afterward, they all go out to lunch together. Upon returning to the office, the staff is all standing by his old desk, reminiscing about him and his career, when suddenly, they all thought the same thing simultaneously! One planner said to another, “You get a screwdriver. I’ll get a hammer.” So, they proceed to break into the guy’s desk, pull out the 3"x5" card, and then read it aloud to the group: “YELLOW - Residential, RED - Commercial, BLUE - Manufacturing . . . .”
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#43
03-25-2002, 07:20 PM
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My favorite, as heard on CarTalk:
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two-story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
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#44
03-25-2002, 07:36 PM
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I know the second limerick, but not the first one. It has to do with ontology.
The second limerick is : Quote:
Regards, Shodan
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#48
03-25-2002, 08:51 PM
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Quote:
Quote:
because I don't get them
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