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  #1  
Old 05-20-2016, 10:54 PM
Velocity Velocity is offline
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Give us your inauguration speech (in 100 words or less)

So you somehow got elected President and now you are standing in front of the Capitol Building.


I might say something to the effect of...........


"Change is coming. Yes, I know, every President promises that, stop me if you've heard this before. No worries, though, we'll be hamstrung by partisanship and obstructionism so it's all good. We will have single-payer healthcare, a clean environment, a crackdown on fraud and waste, a merit-based approach to college admissions, a media that is held accountable, a stronger military, and send people to Mars. We will weed lobbyists and special interests out of politics. And if you're a terrorist, you'll get change, too, yes - from now on you're getting bombed twice as much as before."



What would you guys do? I know there'll be some fascinating responses.
  #2  
Old 05-20-2016, 11:27 PM
NeonMadman NeonMadman is offline
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"I told you guys I didn't want to be president, but did you listen? No! That's it; I'm out of here! Vice-president-elect Seinfeld, come up and take the oath!
  #3  
Old 05-20-2016, 11:44 PM
MEBuckner MEBuckner is offline
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"Uh...Holy shit! I demand a recount!"
  #4  
Old 05-21-2016, 12:13 AM
WillFarnaby WillFarnaby is offline
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what is the State? The State is the systematization of the predatory process over a given territory.For crime, at best, is sporadic and uncertain; the parasitism is ephemeral, and The State provides a legal, orderly, systematic channel for the predation of private property. Since production must always precede predation, the free market is anterior to the State. The State has never been created by a “social contract”; it has always been born in conquest and exploitation. A conquering tribe pausing in its time-honored method of looting and murdering a conquered tribe, realized that the timespan of plunder would be longer and more secure, if the conquered tribe were allowed to live and produce, with the conquerors settling among them as rulers and exact tribute...

I quit.

Stolen from https://mises.org/sites/default/file...%20State_3.pdf
  #5  
Old 05-21-2016, 03:40 AM
Johnny Ace Johnny Ace is offline
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These cans! He hates these cans!
  #6  
Old 05-21-2016, 05:47 AM
madsircool madsircool is offline
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From this day on, the official language of the USA will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old! The Cubs will never win a World Series!
  #7  
Old 05-21-2016, 06:06 AM
Jragon Jragon is offline
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No words, just one long psychotic stare for hours.
  #8  
Old 05-21-2016, 06:08 AM
mascaroni mascaroni is offline
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"Did someone die?"
  #9  
Old 05-21-2016, 04:51 PM
JRDelirious JRDelirious is offline
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'scuze me while I whip dis out...


People of America, I am humbled and awed, I realize my election means you have reached rock bottom of despair, so I damn well expect y'all to give me no grief about the things we must do to dig ourselves out of this hole, which do NOT include combatting things that you find icky but don't harm you, NOR preventing anyone from feeling stressed or offended. We got bigger problems.

Finally, to my people in Puerto Rico I say, this accomplishment... is MINE! Not yours! YOU did not run! I dedicate you all jacksquat.



Have a good one, I'll be at a private party at Archibald's.

Last edited by JRDelirious; 05-21-2016 at 04:53 PM.
  #10  
Old 05-21-2016, 05:53 PM
TriPolar TriPolar is offline
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"My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over. Our next nightmare starts now."
  #11  
Old 05-21-2016, 06:23 PM
Czarcasm Czarcasm is offline
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My fellow Americans, much money was spent to make sure to I became your next President of these Untied States of America. A list of who contributed, and what they expected in return for their contributions, has already been distributed to the press-all meetings having been secretly recorded. I thank them for unwittingly stabbing themselves in their collective backs, and helping put this country back on track, despite themselves.
  #12  
Old 05-21-2016, 07:07 PM
Wesley Clark Wesley Clark is offline
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Thank you. Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders Screw Flanders
  #13  
Old 05-21-2016, 07:41 PM
Sherrerd Sherrerd is offline
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Damn, this Oculus Rift is ticketyboo! Western front of the Capitol, so this takes place after 1980….wait, I’m NOT wearing a headset! WTF? Oh, I know—it’s a reality show. Kidnap any random loser and make them President, eh? Well, I’m game: My fellow Americans, today I pledge to you to lower everyone’s taxes and increase everyone’s services and benefits. How will I do it? Volume!

But seriously, folks: what we need is JOBS. The answer: my massive employment training initiative, financed by charging Donald Trump $1 every time he insults someone or claims some group loves him. YOU’RE WELCOME!
  #14  
Old 05-22-2016, 09:04 AM
Shodan Shodan is offline
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Look, do I have to spell out every damn thing? When I said 'anybody but Trump', THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!

Anyway - I am resigning in favor of Vice-President Romney. God bless America.

Regards,
Shodan
  #15  
Old 05-22-2016, 11:14 AM
bengangmo bengangmo is offline
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Given that it's Hillary defeating Trump...
I'd channel a famous quote...
Well America, we knocked the bastard off.
  #16  
Old 05-22-2016, 11:20 AM
ElvisL1ves ElvisL1ves is offline
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My fellow Americans ... oh wait, I'm the last one left, aren't I? That's the only way this could have happened. I'm off then.
  #17  
Old 05-22-2016, 06:30 PM
Ranger Jeff Ranger Jeff is offline
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"Wow! This is some great shit!"
  #18  
Old 05-22-2016, 06:43 PM
Measure for Measure Measure for Measure is offline
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I can't promise you the best policies. Nor will I promise the most popular policies. All I will guarantee are deliberation, consultation and application of the best science and investigation. Occasionally we will fall down. But we will then fall forward, facing our mistakes and learning from them.

Also nominal GDP level targeting.
  #19  
Old 05-23-2016, 02:56 AM
Velocity Velocity is offline
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"My fellow Americans and test subjects........."
  #20  
Old 05-23-2016, 02:59 AM
Velocity Velocity is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jragon View Post
No words, just one long psychotic stare for hours.
For the perfecting finishing touch, it needs to be a grinning psychotic stare.
  #21  
Old 05-23-2016, 09:38 AM
Frodo Frodo is offline
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I think I'll borrow the standard Argentinian inauguration speech:

My (fellow?) Americans, I have good news and bad news:

The good news is that we have paid the country's debts.
The bad news is that we have 24 hours to move out of the country.
  #22  
Old 05-23-2016, 10:17 AM
Mighty_Girl Mighty_Girl is offline
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"As the first winner of 'We Might as Well Pick a President by Lottery'..."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shodan View Post
Look, do I have to spell out every damn thing? When I said 'anybody but Trump', THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!

Anyway - I am resigning in favor of Vice-President Romney. God bless America.

Regards,
Shodan
That was funny.

Last edited by Mighty_Girl; 05-23-2016 at 10:19 AM.
  #23  
Old 05-23-2016, 10:30 AM
Stanislaus Stanislaus is offline
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"My fellow Americans... well, that's not strictly accurate, is it?... All you Americans, pin your ears back and listen up. I don't know and frankly don't care just what particular combination of desperation, poor judgement and cocaine-fuelled illegality got us here. No doubt a panicky investigation is taking place as we speak: let me assure you that my first act as President will be to shut that investigation down. The point is that we are here, on a glorious new day: a day on which America died, and Stanistan was born. Strap in, citizens, it's going to be quite a ride..
  #24  
Old 05-23-2016, 10:50 AM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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"While I have sometimes been accused of impiety, rest assured that I intend to model my Administration on the Papacy of Alexander Borgia."
  #25  
Old 05-23-2016, 11:00 AM
Biffy the Elephant Shrew Biffy the Elephant Shrew is offline
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"See this, Emily Stewart from 10th grade? I'll bet you're sorry you didn't go out with me now!"
  #26  
Old 05-23-2016, 11:54 AM
QuickSilver QuickSilver is offline
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"My fellow Canadians...."
  #27  
Old 05-23-2016, 12:35 PM
42fish 42fish is offline
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My fellow Americans: What the hell were you thinking? Seriously. Anyway, we're all screwed now.


(Bonus: Can double as Trump's inauguration speech should it prove necessary)
  #28  
Old 06-01-2016, 04:10 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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I thank you for choosing me to become President of the United States.

We Americans are a hard-working, good and generous people. We can, in freedom, accomplish amazing things: confronting tyranny and extremism, caring for the less fortunate, and exploring the universe. This great republic has met and overcome every challenge for centuries. I am certain that it always will, blessed by God and faithfully guided by the Constitution given us by the genius of the Framers.

And now, with determination, deep humility and an abiding hope for the future, I will swear the same oath sworn by George Washington.
  #29  
Old 06-01-2016, 04:15 PM
escaped escaped is offline
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my fellow americans it grieves me to announce change is not coming any legslation i try to enact may likely stall in congress.by midterms my party will be minroty in house and senate it be luck if one member of my party is holding office two years from now.by the timeof my relection i will already be a lame duck president.
  #30  
Old 06-01-2016, 04:33 PM
SaharaTea SaharaTea is offline
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"My fellow Americans, it was a fun experiment but the colonies are returning to their rightful place as British subjects. God save the Queen."

Last edited by SaharaTea; 06-01-2016 at 04:33 PM.
  #31  
Old 06-01-2016, 05:54 PM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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"H.L. Mencken once defined democracy as 'the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.' Grab your ankles, America!"
  #32  
Old 06-01-2016, 06:03 PM
CaptMurdock CaptMurdock is offline
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"Ohhh, boy."
  #33  
Old 06-01-2016, 07:00 PM
Johnny Ace Johnny Ace is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elendil's Heir View Post
I thank you for choosing me to become President of the United States.

We Americans are a hard-working, good and generous people. We can, in freedom, accomplish amazing things: confronting tyranny and extremism, caring for the less fortunate, and exploring the universe. This great republic has met and overcome every challenge for centuries. I am certain that it always will, blessed by God and faithfully guided by the Constitution given us by the genius of the Framers.

And now, with determination, deep humility and an abiding hope for the future, I will swear the same oath sworn by George Washington.
I want a Like button.
  #34  
Old 06-02-2016, 05:43 AM
Qin Shi Huangdi Qin Shi Huangdi is offline
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"...and, my comrades, I vow that the following individuals will be deported to corrective labour camps in Alaska:
Rush Limbaugh
Bill Maher
Arthur Chu
Charles and David Koch
Martin Shkreli
Irving Kristol
Joel Osteen
Melissa McEwan
Scott Walker
Roosh V
Sheldon Adelson"
  #35  
Old 06-04-2016, 12:12 PM
Anny Middon Anny Middon is offline
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"I know what you're thinking, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?"

Anny, surprised no one has posted this already
  #36  
Old 06-05-2016, 07:11 PM
Patch Patch is offline
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My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!
  #37  
Old 06-06-2016, 12:05 AM
Northern Piper Northern Piper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by QuickSilver View Post
"My fellow Canadians...."

Wait, wait - I thought Ted Cruz dropped out of the race?!
  #38  
Old 06-20-2016, 10:54 AM
ultimate11 ultimate11 is offline
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My fellow Americans, the inauguration party begins tonight at 7:00PM, sponsored by Playboy, Jack Daniels, Trojan condoms, Brown's Catering and Vienna Beef. You must be 21 years or older to enter the party, no kids allowed. Alcohol will be provided at the party, along with music, food, and hot babes. Invite only, you must have an invite slip approved by me (and only me) to access the party. Transportation will be provided at the party.

Also, I'm legalizing marijuana. That is all.

Last edited by ultimate11; 06-20-2016 at 10:58 AM.
  #39  
Old 06-20-2016, 11:13 AM
Kobal2 Kobal2 is offline
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"You, you, you, you, you and your wife, him and you ; get out. Now. The rest of y'all can stay. FOR NOW."
  #40  
Old 06-20-2016, 11:23 AM
Chisquirrel Chisquirrel is offline
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"This isn't where I parked my car."
  #41  
Old 06-20-2016, 02:02 PM
furryman furryman is offline
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In my best Heinz Doofensmirzt accent.
"At last I've taken over the American area."

Last edited by furryman; 06-20-2016 at 02:04 PM.
  #42  
Old 06-20-2016, 03:06 PM
Buck Godot Buck Godot is offline
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"Ummm... I'm not quite sure how the happened and I apologize for any inconvenience to anyone that my election may have caused. My first days in office will be devoted to finding a suitable replacement, and I will do my best to hold things together until he or she can be sworn in. Please bear with me in the days ahead, I'll get out of your hair and get things back to normal as soon as I can."
  #43  
Old 06-20-2016, 03:28 PM
smithsb smithsb is offline
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Pardon me while I step out of this human suit.
  #44  
Old 06-20-2016, 03:29 PM
Frodo Frodo is offline
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Mua haha haha haha HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAMUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
  #45  
Old 06-20-2016, 04:43 PM
ruh-roh ruh-roh is offline
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And now for something completely different.

(as the band strikes up "The Liberty Bell")
  #46  
Old 06-20-2016, 04:48 PM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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"As I promised on the campaign trail, I will now release the hostages."
  #47  
Old 06-20-2016, 04:49 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruh-roh View Post
And now for something completely different.

(as the band strikes up "The Liberty Bell")
I was at Bill Clinton's first inauguration in 1993, and the Marine Band actually played it!
  #48  
Old 06-20-2016, 05:10 PM
Blue Max Blue Max is offline
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"My Fellow Americans.

The hour of a new future is upon us. History will remember the day that we left the old, stagnant stalemates of yesteryear and embrace a new era of progress, of reinvestment, and a new competitiveness to make our economy, our society and our children the very best they can be.

Some politicians wish to spend billions of dollars to build a wall. We're going to be building--and repairing--our roads, our trains, and our airports.

Some politicians believe that healthcare is a great way to force Americans into bankruptcy and poverty. We're going to create single payer healthcare for all Americans.

Some politicians seek to destroy families and deport over ten million undocumented immigrants to this country. I am issuing, by executive order, an amnesty and a path to citizenship, for all those who have complied with the law.

Some politicians believe that we should sell firearms to terror suspects, to the mentally ill, and to hardened criminals. We will ban the myriad ways that our laws allow these purchases, and we will hold accountable those who would make those transactions.

Some politicians believe that the war on drugs is a war worth waging. For forty years, we've sought to punish those who use controlled substances but have basically made them unable to live normal lives and created a gigantic underworld economy. It is long overdue to end stiff punishments against non-violent drug users and address drug use for what it is--a symptom of mental health. Our Administration will seek to offer rehabilitation as a national priority.

Finally, my fellow Americans, too many politicians have simply voted for their donor friends. Too many have and implemented policies reflecting the names on their checks and too few have listened to what you have to say. We have the right to regulate our elections, to get dark money out of politics, and to defend our own freedom from lobbyists. I will require my nominees to the Supreme Court to overturn the misguided mantra of money as speech, and if it is otherwise impossible, I will call for a constitutional amendment to explicitly claim this freedom for all Americans.

Thank you all.
God Bless You
God Bless the United States of America!"
  #49  
Old 06-20-2016, 08:18 PM
penultima thule penultima thule is offline
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In a triumph of the middling, a nod to mediocrity, and with gorge rising, it gives me great nausea to announce that yes,I am your new President;

As a winner I dedicate a sincere and heartfelt "fuck you!" to all losers.

I offer a government dedicated to self promotion;

This is a reversion to the mean, the nasty, the bigoted and the blinkered;
A demonstration of the power of the American Dream, reality TV and a solid advertising budget;
And will give hope to millions unfavoured by the exceptional, and a windfall to popcorn retailers.

The Vice Presidency, was once famously described as not being worth a warm bucket of spit; let's now bring the Presidency to the same unexhaulted level. Not the worst. Not the best. Just what you're stuck with.

Thank God Iím an American by birth. Amen.

[with all due apologies and acknowledgements to the scriptwriters from "The West Wing"]
  #50  
Old 06-20-2016, 09:29 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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You both saw the 100-word limit, right?
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