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Old 01-13-2017, 06:08 PM
Stratocaster Stratocaster is offline
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Existential Pizza Threat

Okay, get this. We ordered pizza, which I picked up on the way home from work. Now, I loves me yummy olives, but this was only the second time we ordered that topping--half mushroom / olives, half boring plain for my wife.

When I get home, we discover that they used whole olives. That's right, unsliced intact olives, staring at me like a dozen creepy eyes.

I don't have a lot of olive experience with pizza, but the first time they were sliced, like you'd expect in a civilized pizza. Can this second abomination be right, whole olives? Is that how it's done?

Well, if sliced olives are wrong, I don't want to be right. Whole olives on a pizza are a sacrilege. Plus, the pizza was a slippery, mooshed-up mess. I did not tilt the box at all, though I suspect my wife doesn't believe me. I think it was all those whole olives destroying the geometry of the pizza, creating cheese tides with the gravitational pull of their huge, unwholesome presence.

This is an outrage. All this blather about Russian hacking while this is going on. I don't want to live in a country that permits this. As far as I'm concerned, the terrorists have won. Next time, anchovies. That is all.
 

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