LGBT Dopers: When did you discover your sexuality/come out?

[Hostile Dialect]

I'm curious as to what ages our LGBT members discovered that they were LGBT, and when (if at all) they came out.

So: Who are you? When did you discover yourself? When did you come out, to whom, and what was their reaction?

[Maastricht]

dunce hat

what's LGBT?

/dunce hat

[Lobsang]

I can guess the L and the G, but I'm lost after that.

[Lobsang]

"Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender"

Google was my friend.

[35340]

Well, I'm not all of those, but I started putting it together around puberty time and came out to my folks about a decade later. They were okay with it.

Okay enough that I wish I'd said something sooner; might have saved myself from jumping into a couple of relationships I shouldn't have. Might not have, but you never know.

[Homebrew]

I was about 28 when I finally admitted to myself that those feelings I'd had since Junior High weren't some demon trying to tempt me to sin*, but were innate and natural. I told my then wife when I was about 29. We separated and I started telling everyone else when I was 32.



*The fundamentalist Pentecostal church I grew up in taught that homosexuality was caused by a demon, or even Satan himself, tricking someone.

[NotWithoutRage]

Originally Posted by fetus

I'm curious as to what ages our LGBT members discovered that they were LGBT, and when (if at all) they came out.

So: Who are you? When did you discover yourself? When did you come out, to whom, and what was their reaction?

24 year old bi girl, but use the word queer because it's easier, and more inclusive of who I am.

Discovered myself? I admitted to myself for the first time that I had feelings for both genders when I was in eighth grade, although I can remember feeling different since I was eight or nine.

The first person I came out to was my best friend, who was also gay, in high school, when I was fifteen. I didn't come out to my parents until I was almost twenty. Still dealing with the parental reaction, five years later!

[Hamish]

28-year-old gay guy. I came out at age 16 after trying to clamp down on the feelings for five years.

The first person I came out to was my best friend, which I did over the phone, and I couldn't even say it -- I had to hint. He was fairly okay with it, but most of my friends walked out on me a few months after I came out. I only kept two friends out of that mess.

My mother found out when I was 17 by listening in to my conversations and reading my journals. My sister told my father after I left in the middle of the night when I was 18.

[Eve]

Knew who and what I was in second grade (how old's that?). Never really had to "come out," it was pretty damn obvious from three states away.

[Captain Amazing]

I was 19 when I realized I was gay, and 20 when I first "came out". How I first came out, and this is kind of a funny story in hindsight, even though it was stressful at the time, was like this:

I had just come to the realization that I was gay, and desperately needed to tell somebody. I don't know if straight people can know how it feels to be closeted (and maybe other gay people can't either...maybe it's just me, but I don't think so). You so desperately want to tell other people...to tell your friends and family, first because you love them and want to share who you are, and second, because, by telling them, you hope that maybe you won't feel alone, because it gets really lonely having to put up emotional walls and having to censor yourself all the time, and you get really lonely and jealous when you see your straight friends having relationships and starting families, and you just want to have a piece of all that...just feel a part of it. At the same time, you're scared out of your mind, and ashamed, and self-conscious. You walk around wondering if you seem gay to other people...if there's some way other people can tell. Keeping this secret seems like one of the biggest things in the world to you, because you never know how other people will react if they find out, and the thoughts just go through your mind..."If I tell him, will he stop liking me? Will he treat me differently? Oh my god, what if I tell him and he thinks I'm hitting on him?" Stuff like that. Maybe it's silly, but that's just the way you feel.

Anyway, I finally decided to tell my best friend. I figured I had to tell somebody, and that I knew him better than any of my other friends. (Of course, at that point, telling my family was out of the question. All those fears you have that your friends will stop liking you, multiply 100 times when you're dealing with your family. Plus, my family never really talks about "sex" anyway.) The thing is, though, my friend was, and still is, really conservative. I mean really conservative. The guy practically worships Reagan, loves Barry Goldwater, and thinks Rush Limbaugh is always right. So, I was maybe a little more nervous than usual. So, one night, we got together to have dinner , and I was really nervous, because I had decided to tell him. We have dinner, and I don't tell him. We talk for a while, and I don't tell him. He drives me back to my dorm, and I don't tell him.

A little while later, he and I talk on the phone, and I figure, "Ok, now I'm going to tell him." So, after we talk for a few minutes, I say,

"I have something to tell you. I'm gay."

Absolute silence on the other end of the line. This goes on for about a minute, and all the time I'm thinking, "Oh shit, oh shit,ohshit,ohshit,ohshit. I'm a fucking idiot." I wanted to sink down into the floor and stay there.

After about a minute, he says to me. "So am I". After we both laugh hysterically for a little while, we talk about it. It turns out I was the first person he had told, also. So, I was lucky, and it worked out. Coming out does get easier as you do it. Right now, most of my friends know, my immediate family except for my grandmother, and now all of you guys.

[Ephemera]

I'm a 22 year old male bisexual. I first realized I liked guys sometime around the time when I was sixteen, admitted it to a few people over the next six years, and outed myself to everyon back in November.

As a direct consequence, I'm now living 2,500 miles from home.

[stpauler]

I've always known I was gay. Ever since I can remember.

I came out on November 3, 1993 (I usually have a get together with close friends on that day as a minor celebration.) I went to the local LGBT youth center for the first time and someone asked if I was gay and I said yes.

The rest was pretty easy. I came out to my Aunt while she was doing my taxes in February. She was the first in my family and was so excited to hear the news that she asked if she could tell the rest of the family. My response? "Better you than me." Sure, it was a bit of coward's way out not to do it myself, but it gave them time to understand and react without me having to witness it. My mom said that although she had her suspicions, she was still surprised and was a bit sad at first but has completely been supportive ever since. As has the rest of the family.

[Sampiro]

What St.Pauler said: I've always known that I liked boys (particularly nekkid boys) in a way that other boys didn't. I found out about my "special purpose*" it was (at risk of TMI) while watching the scene in Saturday Night Fever where Travolta stands in front of a mirror wearing bikini briefs- I was about 13. For years I had the "well, all boys sexually fantasize about other boys, particularly Chris M. who sits behind me in Geometry class and has those gorgeous lashes and that butt you could break a concrete block over... that's just natural... I'm really attracted to girls... sorta kinda.... well, not really... but it'll come in time". When I was about 19 I finally admitted to myself "I'm gay... there's no bi or tri or anything else there... total Mo ([though, as I confessed in a recent MPSIMS post, I recently had "feelings" for a female co-worker]) and accepted- this was the very difficult part for me as it is for most gay males I would think- that marriage to a woman and 2.4 kids and backyard barbecues and PTA were just was not going to be an option for me.
At 21 I fell desperately in love with a co-worker who, though promiscuous as all hell, was closeted at work and he was the first person I told "my weetle secret" to. We had an incredibly passionate but sex-less affair (they are possible) for about two years (that was, I might add, quite effed up) during which time I was out to everybody but my family. After that relationship ended disastrously I was essentially asexual until I was 29 when I fell in love with a much younger co-worker (he had just turned 21) and we had a three year relationship and have remained very close friends ever since. A few months into the relationship my mother received a crash course in "Why it's not a good idea not to read your son's private e-mail" while using my computer and I was outted and, to put it mildly, it didn't go well, though now years later it's just the dead elephant in the room that we don't talk about. I am completely out and have been for years.
(You've no idea how irritating it is to be a member of a demographic infamous for promiscuity and still not be able to get a date.)

Sorry- got off on an autobiography there- to answer your question more concisely- always knew on some level, acknowledged it as a teenager, became an active homo in my 20s.




*A euphemism borrowed from The Jerk

[Sampiro]

Originally Posted by Captain Amazing

After about a minute, he says to me. "So am I".

I had a similar experience in high-school. I had a major crush on my best friend (it was one of those "prison friendships"- we were both outsiders in a rural very small ultra-conservative school and formed a bond that pretty much evaporated upon graduation) but of course I could never admit to him that my feelings for him were more than just as a bud even though there were times I could swear he was flirting with me. A few years ago I learned that he is now one of the national leaders of the Log Cabin Republicans (and is on record ca. 2001 as saying "George Bush couldn't care less what people do in their private life").

Just as well really. I don't know that I could really be emotionally healthy if I knew I had lost my virginity to a Republican.

[TeaElle]

I recognized that I was bisexual when I was about 23, after I was already married. (Consequently, I've never done anything "with" it, so to speak. I call myself "uselessly bisexual.") As for coming out, well, I'll let you know when it happens. My husband knows, and the Dope knows. That's about it. Friends and family are unawares. I don't know when or if that'll ever change, as the lack of openness about this currently causes no problems (and won't unless something unspeakable happens to my husband and I'm suddenly in a position to consider having a relationship with a woman) and telling people, particularly my family, would cause problems which are simply unnecessary in my life.

I will admit that this does represent something of a dilemma for me. I'm an ardent supporter of GLBT rights, much to the chagrin of many in my life, but I don't ever make it personal, and I'm sure that if I were to put my face into the equation, it might change some minds about some positions. But in other cases, it would create conflicts that I'm not prepared to deal with. Clearly, being quiet in my case, even given my situation, is in many respects flat out cowardly. I struggle with that. I struggle mightily. But right now external balance is winning in the fight against internal peace. Sad how that works.

[Rysler]

25 year old lesbian. I've always kinda known. It really hit home when I was 11 or 12 and flipping through my mom's "Our Bodies, Ourselves" section on lesbians. Sort of a Oh shit, that's me reaction.

15 - Told my online best friend that I was "bi." She didn't take it well, and eventually it ended our friendship.
17 - I was out as bi at school, but not at home. My mother guessed (and unguessed, wee) off and on from about the time I was 16 until now. Since I was having girlfriends over, she probably knew more than she wanted to. She tries very hard, and has changed her political and religious leanings since gays are no longer "those people."
18 - Lying in a man's arms, I decided I was definitely gay. Poor guy.
25 - - Just came out to my dad. In the car. He took it very well. Since my parents are divorced, and I hardly see him, he doesn't have to see it, but he had the typical Southern reaction, "Weylp, so long as you're happy."

Still not out to the extended family yet, which makes me feel like a coward. I felt my parents should know first. And then I hoped my parents would tell everyone else.

The worst part is having to constantly re-out myself when I change environments. I was out in high school, but had to start over in college. Then in grad school. Then at my job. I'm thinking about switching jobs now, and will have to out myself again. There's always a cringing awkwardness, at least for me.

[Sampiro]

Originally Posted by Rysler

18 - Lying in a man's arms, I decided I was definitely gay. Poor guy.

Good God, was that you?

So how you been? (And do you still have my Wham! T-shirt?)

[Rysler]

Originally Posted by Sampiro

So how you been? (And do you still have my Wham! T-shirt?)

So my rejection pushed you over the edge, eh?

[Freyr]

45 yo. gay male here.

I noticed I had "weird feelings" about age 10 or 11. I couldn't figure out why I thought the guys on the basketball team where so.... alluring when I knew I was supposed to be attracted to girls.

By about 14 I had figured it out and kept it a secret, afraid that if someone did find out, I'd be beaten to a pulp. *sigh*

I officially came out on June 20th, 1980, my discharge date for the US navy. I've been happily homo (sapiens) ever since!

[swampbear]

If you count the first time you have sex, then I was fifteen. I knew it before then, though. That's just the first time I acted on it. The coming out part was just gradual. First my younger brother and sister, then my next to oldest brother, a few friends and eventually my folks and my oldest brother caught on.

So, in high school I acted like everybody else most of the time. I "dated" this girl, as in went to dances, proms and such with her. I had sex with a few guys I came to know. In college it was easier even though it was a smaller school than my high school. Throughout my twenties I lived in my hometown which is about an hour south of Atlanta. On weekends I went to gay bars in Atlanta and slept around. Then, at 34, I fell in love. It was a relationship that lasted almost 14 years. We went our separate ways. He thought he found somebody else that was all better but turned out it wasn't. His loss.

Now, I've been seeing this guy who seems ok. Well, at least the police haven't found any shallow graves in his back yard yet. It's been interesting to "date" somebody steadily. Heck, we even went on a cruise with two other friends last week and shared a room together. I'm taking this one kinda slow and just seeing where it takes us.

Ok, now what was I talking about? Oh yeah. I count fifteen as the time I "knew" it and consider that to be when I came out. I've been out 35 years. I am so freakin' old!

[Eve]

Originally Posted by swampbear

So, in high school I acted like everybody else most of the time. I "dated" this girl . . .

Yeah—there's a girl like that in every high school . . .

[swampbear]

Originally Posted by Eve

Yeah—there's a girl like that in every high school . . .

You mean the one who "dates" the semi-closeted school fag?

[Bambi Hassenpfeffer]

I knew when I was maybe 6 or 7. About the same age that other kids are becoming aware of the differences between girls and boys, I knew already that I wasn't at all interested in the girls. I came to realize that this was "wrong" over the next few years, but I accepted and was OK with it when I was about 12 or 13. I didn't tell anyone else until June 2001, when I started coming out to friends and co-workers, and I officially outed myself to my mother on June 22nd, 2001.

BTW, welcome to the party, Captain!

[Eve]

Originally Posted by swampbear

You mean the one who "dates" the semi-closeted school fag?

No, I mean the one in school "almost every dates . . ."

[swampbear]

Originally Posted by Eve

No, I mean the one in school "almost every dates . . ."

You mean that girl behind the bleachers? Well, I did do her hair once.

[Poonther]

39 year old gay man here (gad I can't be that old.)

I grew up in rural Alabama and never really even heard the word "gay" until I went to college. I too knew I liked men (especially naked men) from a young age. I really got into watching wrestling on TV and looking at the underwear ads in magazines and catalogs like GQ and Sears. But I never spoke a word of "my secret desires" until I went to college.

One night after going to a concert with my then GF in college and making out and heavy petting at her place, I left and got up the nerve to go to the local gay bar and within minutes (after being terrified of entering the place) everything clicked and I have never looked back. Then next day I told my good friend in college and she said, "that's good that you finally realized it, I've known it since I met you." So I was 19 when that happened. I am now a happily partnered man of 11 years.

[chaoticbear]

Hmm... judging from this, it looks like the beginning of March this year, at least to most of my friends. I know that about a week before that I had told a couple of other, less close people as kind of a "test coming-out."

My parents got told a little while later, and since... oh, about the beginning of 2004, it's been an "if you ask me, then yes" thing, but I'm not going to walk up to anyone, tap them on the shoulder, and say "Hey, I'm gay." And I'm not exactly feminine, so it kind of weirds people out. Most people don't believe me, even when I tell them that I'm gay. Like in Quiz Bowl. I knew more than the girls about make-up (weird, since I don't even wear it), and cooking.

LOL... conversation went:
Me <buzz> "Braising!"
Girl: "Wow, what a fag! *giggle*" (She was joking. She's been doing it for a while.)
Me: Yes. <buzz> "Blanching!"
Girl *weird look*
Me: <buzz> "Flambé!"
Girl *stare* "You weren't serious, were you?"
Me: "Yes."
Girl: *incredulous stare* "No!?"
Roommate: "Yes."
Girl: "Huh? Oh, hmm."

[chaoticbear]

oh, whoops. I missed the "discover your sexuality part". Suspect: 5th or 6th grade. Knew: 7th or 8th grade.

[Ghanima]

Well looking back I had funny feelings in elementary school and we would have sleepovers and braid eachother's hair. I felt really really funny when a girl would braid my hair. But I was totally into boys so I didn't make the connection. Until high school when a bi girl took a liking to me. She would hit on me outrageously and I would pretend not to like it. Then one night I spent the night at her house. I was maybe 15. She tried and tried to get me to make out with her, but I wouldn't. Finally she gave up and rolled over to go to sleep. That's when I realized I didn't want her to stop. I sat up and took off my shirt. THAT woke her back up. The rest of the evening is not suitable for this forum.
So yeah, 15 when I finally admitted I was bi.

[Ghanima]

Forgot reactions, etc. Came out to my friends at 15, no big deal, most of them were gay too.
My mom found out when I was about 18, from snooping around in my personal papers. She was kinda freaked but mostly really curious. We were having dinner at Sizzler and she's practically shouting: "Does that mean you like to have sex WITH WOMEN!!!!????" I was more embarassed than she was. She hasn't really mentioned it since. That was 11 years ago or so.
My twin sister knows, I'm not really sure how. Probably around the same time as my mom. She couldn't give a shit.
All other siblings and dad don't know. So I'm semi-closeted, which is very easy for a bisexual woman.

[Sampiro]

Originally Posted by Poonther

I grew up in rural Alabama and never really even heard the word "gay" until I went to college.

Ditto on both. (I'm 38.) One reason I wasn't sure I was gay sooner was that I'd heard all my life that "fags" were evil people who liked to molest little boys and had marches where they dressed as women and I knew that neither one appealed to me. (I'm also from a family that refused to believe Liberace was gay even when he was sued by Scott Thorson because "he seems so nice and loves his Mama".)

[jellytoes]

The evolution of my coming out:

Well, I kinda went back and forth for awhile until I've settled on 'bisexual'. The first time I noticed I was attracted to girls was over a series of summers when I was 10-12 at girls camp. I fought myself over this attraction until I was 14 or 15. When I was 17 I decided that boys were dumb and I would dedicate myself to the pleasures of women. I came out as a lesbian to everyone that would listen (I got varying reactions, as expected). That worked reasonably well until I was 19 and fell madly in love with one of my best guy friends, while I was dating a girl. Things went on like this for a few years. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I'm 26 now and I'm engaged to a wonderful man who is reasonably accepting of my pliable sexuality. I am very active in my college's LGBTA group.

I feel like my sexual identity has been a textbook example of what my mom told me when I came out to her, "You can't help who you fall in love with."

[rivulus]

I was clueless. Utterly clueless. Until I was about 34 years old. I don't recall being taught it was sinful to be queer (at home or in my Lutheran church) or if it was even mentioned, for that matter. It simply wasn't on my radar. I dated a few men over the years but never really felt "in love" or even seriously attracted to any man out there. There was a whole genre of "love songs" that made absolutely no sense to me.

After several years of therapy to overcome depression and generally figure out who the heck I was and what I wanted, it finally dawned on me one day that the reason I was so fixated on Scully from The X-Files is that I thought she was hot. Looking back, I was attracted to all sorts of women from my fourth-grade teacher on, but my upbringing left me so sheltered from the possibility of being not-straight that it honestly didn't even occur to me that I might be a lesbian.

Had my first relationship about a year after realizing I liked women and gradually came out to everyone over the next year. Friends first, then my aunt and cousin, and finally my immediate family.

My parents and other relatives have been great. Accepting of me from the moment I came out and really supportive of me and my partner. I'm so lucky.

[TheLoadedDog]

"LGBT" sounds like a sandwich.

[swampbear]

Originally Posted by TheLoadedDog

"LGBT" sounds like a sandwich.

Lettuce Gefilte Bacon and Tomato anyone?

[jkusters]

I knew I was different from a pretty early age, probably around ten. I didn't know what was different, just that what other boys said about sex and girls didn't make a lot of sense to me. I remember hoping that it was just because I was a late bloomer and that I was still in my "girls have cooties" phase.

A year or two later, when going to the neighborhood community college swimming pool (they had open pool hours for the community during the summer, and my friends and I went fairly often), I happened to see a fully naked man on our way through the locker room to the pool deck. I realized right then that I was attracted to men much more than women (having seen naked women in magazines and so forth). And I immediately realized that I was damned for all eternity. Oh, did I forget to mention I was raised Roman Catholic?

I spent the next several years in heavy denial and self loathing. Unfortunately, I didn't have the slightest amount of heterosexual tendencies. Though there were a number of girls I counted as friends, I never dated any of them. I was so busy trying to figure out how I was going to lead a straight life (get married, have kids, etc.) that I never had time to actually date. Now I laugh when I think back to those days.

By the time I started College, I had become accustomed to the idea that I would remain celibate for the rest of my life. I had had one furtive encounter with another gay man, and knew I did not want to live life as a gay man. Random encounters with other gay men in bookstores or bars, acting nellie, dressing in drag, and all of those other things that gay men were obliged to do held no attraction to me. (To this day, I wonder how I got those images in my mind during the early eighties, a time of burgeoning gay liberation.)

Then, one day when I was 23 or 24 (I'm a bit hazy on the actual date), while still in college and with a very large peer group, one of my women friends gave me the gift of a small teddy bear. She said I always looked lonely and that I needed some companionship until I found my certain someone. That broke me. I thought I was doing a good job coping with being alone, but it was a thin mask that cracked that day. I realized that I needed to be held, to be loved, to be told that everything was going to work out. And that wasn't going to happen if I were to remain alone, and it would be a harmful lie to try and find that in the arms of a woman.

I spent some time anonymously participating in gay discussions on USENET and BBSes. I met many, many gay people who were nothing like the image I had of gay people, and some who seemed to be an awful lot like me. I realized that being gay did not condemn me to a certain lifestyle, but was just a part of my identity, much like being a computer geek, or an artist, or an avid reader. In time, I came to accept that part of myself. Eventually, I started to come out.

The first person I told was Gwen, the woman who had given me the teddy bear. She was honored at the time to be the first person I told. (We then compared notes on the rest of the male computer geek peerhood at school ) She, myself, and two other people were planning on renting a house together for the next school year, and I needed to be honest and up-front with them. So, I came out to the other two potential housemates. Their response could be summed up with one word: "Okay."

I spent the summer working up the courage to get out into the gay community in SLO. I made some friends in the gay community, and eventually attended a gathering being held at a local beach. Knowing that I was going to be heading down the path to self discovery, I decided that it was time to let my family know. So, before the beach party, I wrote a letter to my parents. I hate using the phone, and I didn't want to wait until the next time I saw them. Besides, a recent visit with them turned ugly when my brother expressed some homophobic rhetoric and my parents tacitly backed him up by not calling him on it, and I needed to explain why I had found the comment hurtful and acted out.

The beach party was very successful (and I'm forever in the debt of one of my straight and accepting friends and former housemate who agreed to go with me to lend moral support). When I got home, I made the decision to come out to my peer group. The school year was just about to begin, and I felt empowered by my recent boldness. I knew there was likely to be some rejection, and I feared the reaction from some people, but I felt I had to do this.

My peer group consisted primarily of fellow computer science students at Cal Poly. At some point, a few of them had developed some BBS software that ran semi-clandestinely on the school's central UNIX server. If anything happened in my peer group, it was planned, executed, and memorialized on this BBS. Wanting to let my entire peer group know all at the same time, I made the decision to come out by posting a message to the BBS. I remember spending an hour looking at the submit prompt, agonizing over whether to actually send the message or not. And after sending it, which I did very late at night to make sure that no-one would read it right away, I spent the entire night awake, not being able to sleep thanks to nerves and fear.

In the end, I think I lost one potential friend, and made the relationships with the rest of my peers much stronger. I think many of them had sensed I was holding something back, and now that I was being completely honest, there was a lot more trust and respect. That first week of school, I attended my first meeting of the campus' gay/lesbian/bi/transgendered support/activism group, and wound up being elected vice-president. That night, bouyed by the incredibly positive reactions, I got home to face the phone call. My parents had gotten my letter.

I choose now to believe they were trying to tell me they loved me no matter what, and that what I told them made no difference. However, I was full of "newly-out pride" and probably over sensitive. When they expressed that they didn't understand the choice I had made, I got angry at them. We discussed it, though I was horribly defensive. They wanted my assurance that I was going to be careful ("Gay people aren't the only people who get AIDS, Mom!"), and that I was making the right choice (they meant in coming out, I thought they meant in my sexuality), and that they still loved me. In retrospect, they answered honestly and lovingly. I was the hot-headed one. At the time, though, I only felt hurt. I shut them out of my life for nearly a year.

Things have improved substantially since then. I'm 38 now (does quick math on his fingers and then nods), and my relationship with my parents is pretty strong. I love them both, and they love me. My brothers were very accepting of me, and my being honest with them repaired a lot of the emotional damage I had caused while in the midst of my demon-wrestling. (In fact, one brother asked me to be an usher at his wedding, and the other his best man. I feel so very honored.) They all treat my partner as a "brother/son-in-love" (their term, not mine). I try to maintain close friendships with my peers from school, though time and distance do take their toll. I'm also in the midst of a very wonderful nearly 12 year relationship with my partner-in-life.

So, that's my story. Kind of long-winded, but it did take quite some time in the making. I'm happy with the final results, but I do wish it hadn't taken so long...

JOhn.

[Miller]

Looking back on it now, it's pretty clear that I had a huge crush on my best friend from the age of, oh, six or so up until highschool, when we started drifting apart. That's the first time I remember having feelings about a guy, but it wasn't until years later that I found the appropriate label for those feelings.

I was a real late bloomer in high school. Real late. I remember gym class, junior year, this guy asked me if I shaved my legs. I was also a major, major, major geek. Between these two facts, I wasn't much interested in dating anybody, and nobody was much interested in dating me. (Although in hind sight, I wonder about that guy who asked if I shaved my legs.) Somewhere in there was when I first realized that I was sexually attracted to guys. But, since I was also sexually attracted to girls, I figured that it was just a phase.

By college, I pretty much has to accept that no, it wasn't a phase. I was bisexual. But, y'know, only a little bisexual. Like, 80/20 straight/gay. No, more like 90/10. Yeah, that's the ticket. Also, (I told myself) despite the fact that there's absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, there's a whole lot of discrimination against them in this society. And since I like women so much more than men, really, there's no point in ever acting on that side of my sexuality, right? I mean, why go looking for trouble? And since I was never, ever going to act on my attraction to men, there's no reason to ever tell anyone about it, right? Right?

Anyway, I was able to nurse that particular self-deception for several years. It's only been in the last year or so, mostly through participation on the SDMB, that I've come to accept that I like guys more or less just as much as I like girls, and admit to myself that I'd really like to act on that attraction. I haven't, yet, for sundry other reasons that I'm not going into detail on right now. And while I've mentioned that I'm bi here and there on the boards, I still haven't come out to anyone in real life yet. Although I do know a couple posters here in RL now, so if they're reading this... Surprise! Part of what's keeping me back is the fact that I've never so much as flirted with a guy before, and I feel sort of uncomfortable coming out when I don't have anything to come out about. Which I recognize is stupid and illogical, but there it is.

What makes it worse is that I know for a certainty that no one in my immediate family or circle of friends would give a shit. My parents have lots of gay friends, and always have. When I was a wierd teenager with no apparent interest in girls, my mom used to drop these comically broad hints that if I was gay, I could tell her because she'd be totally okay about it. And among my friends, I'm far and away the most conservative of the bunch. (At this point, I'd like to invite the reader to do a search of my posting history, and then reel in horror at the implications of that statement.) I've got absolutely nothing to lose by coming out, and potentially quite a bit to gain, but... there's still that little fearful voice in the back of my brain saying, "Don't do it." And it's very tempting to listen to that voice, because I could stay in the closet, and live a happy and fulfilled life pretending to be heterosexual. I can only imagine what it must be like for someone who's homosexual, who cannot spend their entire lives closeted and happy, and who has a very legitimate fear of losing friends and loved ones when they come out.

[Bangiadore]

I guess I was precocious, cause my cousin and I used to get nekkid and rub our stiff lil' pee-pees together when we were eight. I had a lot of guilt about it though, and decided I was going to become a (Catholic) priest when I grew up, so I could avoid the issue entirely. Little did I know...

In 1969 (I think it was) when I was about 15, Life magazine had a cover story on "The Sad Gay Life of the Homosexual", and that was what gave it a name in my case. Needless to say, the article filled me with further dread regarding the future.

Going from a relatively sheltered Catholic elementary school to a public high school, I stuck out like a sore penis, and was assaulted daily by the rougher boys. I got no sympathy from the school's staff, and began to hang out with the drug-taking misfits and hippie outsiders. I skipped gym and hid out in the art room, home of the one teacher who actually seemed to like me.

After the Stonewall riots hit the news, I assumed the hour of sweet, sweet liberation was finally at hand, and came out, at 17, to my gang of friends, one by one. All claimed to be okay with it, until they apparently conferred about it, and within a month I was thoroughly ostracized. Soon after that, I quit school and took to the streets, where I found the acceptance of men who liked me so well they gave me money.

I came out to my family when I was 21 and living in a relationship with an older man in Boston. Despite the fact that they'd all known for years who I was, we'd never discussed it, and doing so only caused further drama. They did come around after a few more years, but by that time the damage was done.

I'm so very glad that many, if not most, kids these days have a better chance of being accepted for who they are, at least by family and friends, if not by the current regressive social conditions brought about by right-wingery and evangelicalism -- though I'd really hoped we'd be living in a much more 'enlightened' context by the time I got to fifty.

(And Hamish -- I sure can relate to your story, brother.)

[SolGrundy]

Nothing all the different from most of the other stories here, just a lot more prolonged. Raised southern Pentacostal. Knew early on (around 8 or 9?) that something was "different" but never associated it with sexuality. Started to be more aware of it in high school (12-16), because I never had interest in girls but kept having random "improper" thoughts about guys. Never acted on any of it. Suppressed it completely through college (17-21), and my first job (22-24), staying completely asexual and throwing myself into school and work. Moved across the country, had awkward relationship with woman friend I'd met online that ended very badly when I realized I had absolutely no sexual desire. Tried two more attempts at finding the "right woman" (24-26), ended a little better but still very awkward. Finally acknowledged I was at least a little gay (26), and took on a plan to get it all out of my system (26-30) -- random (but safe) hook-ups followed by enormous guilt and months of celibacy, until it flared up again. Finally realized I was 100% gay, not bi (30) but it'd be okay because I would never tell anyone and just keep up the random hook-ups (30-32). Finally gave up (32) and figured I'd be completely celibate for the rest of my life because I was miserable having nothing more than shallow encounters.

Met a guy (33) who I really liked a lot, the first gay guy that I'd ever met that I actually liked being with and could see myself having a long-term relationship with. He told me his story about coming out, said he hadn't lost any friends and it wasn't a big deal to anyone. He was completely out and comfortable with himself and comfortable with being out, and didn't live like a stereotype. I decided that it didn't have to be such a big deal for me either, and I should just accept it. Told a friend from work one night at a bar, because he kept asking me why I'd seemed so distracted for the last couple of weeks, and his reaction was "are you serious?" and then: "good on ya!" (He's Australian). It's impossible to feel insecure or worried about anything when someone's saying "good on ya!", so I started telling my closest friends.

Exact same reaction from everyone I've told since then: first ask if I'm serious, then say congratulations, then say they had no idea and didn't really care one way or the other. A couple of my oldest friends, from high school, told me that they'd suspected I was for years, but hadn't thought much about it.

That's where I am now. I've told my friends, I'm open about it at work when it comes up, and if anyone asks or brings it up, I'm out. I still haven't told my family, because I'm waiting to have a real reason to, specifically, when I'm dating someone and it's serious. Most people tell me that my family already knows, and I'd only be confirming it.

[Czarcasm]

Originally Posted by Lobsang

"Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender"

Google was my friend.

Yeah well, according to Google it went alot farther than "friendship", buddy.
BTW, Google says you snore.

[iampunha]

Originally Posted by chaoticdonkey

Like in Quiz Bowl.

Years and team? GMU here, 1999-2001 or so.

I figured it out four years ago this November and have been telling people since.

[supervenusfreak]

Discovering my sexuality and coming out happened over a period of years. There was that familiar sense of "difference" in my childhood, of course. Didn't know what it was then, but it is one of those things that I look back and say, "Oh Yes! That's why I missed my school buddy so much and got terribly depressed at the beginning of the summer." That type of thing. Then came the schoolboy crushes in jr high and high school, and with them, confusion and denial. Bigtime denial. But at 17 I just could not deny my hormones. I went to Philly and found an all male porno theater. For a couple of years, that theater and local adult bookstores were my sexual outlet. Coming out was a different thing though.
I think the process of coming out is a very slow one. The first person we come out to is ourselves. I can remember the first time I said out loud, "I am gay". It was a very dramatic moment for me. The next person I came out to was actually my first boyfriend. Both of us were very closeted at the time. Eventually he left me for his female college sweetheart. It was an amicable break-up actually. I was chafing to come out anyway. I was tired of hiding. It was too emotionally draining.
At this time, I was renting a bedroom from a friend of mine. She had a gay son and was very accepting. She knew, but didnt mention it. Anyway, she decided to work with a local agency that placed mentally challenged individuals in private homes for care. This individual's name was Marilyn. She had been severely abused when she was very young. At first she was sweet and willing to learn and adapt to our household. I worked with her on several things, including learning how to get to and from her day work/care place, a few blocks away. It was a fun and loving environment and I thought nothing of the pecks on the cheek and hugs she gave me. Then things got worse. She developed a huge crush on me and even become obsessed with me. Her behavior became much more physically aggressive. She was reprimanded. She retaliated by telling her caseworker that we were having sex. Big trouble!
The caseworker came to my workplace, and told me about the accusations. I had enough. I came out to her. I came out to my friends and family soon after that. The last person I came out to was my Mom. That was the most difficult. She loves me though and is very accepting now. It took some adjustment, but mostly on my part. The reaction I got the most was "Yeah? I knew." I have been open and honest about my sexuality ever since. It is too tiring to lie about such a thing anymore.

[davenportavenger]

I honestly don't remember ever having any kind of sexual feelings growing up. I wasn't attracted to any girls or boys when I was in public school. I suppose I thought of myself as "default straight;" I couldn't be gay because I wasn't attracted to girls at all, but I wasn't much into guys either. I had more important things to worry about, like trying not to freak out during class. Also, all the kids in school were pretty unattractive. Okay, so I'm supposed to choose between redneck boys and hillbilly girls? I'll take asexuality, thanks.

Sometime during college I started having some sexual feelings, and realized pretty early on that I was attracted to both guys and girls. It wasn't a huge deal to me, I'd sort of always known even if I'd never been really sure, and my family isn't religious (though they are damn uptight) so I didn't feel any Catholic guilt about it. I also thought that since I was more attracted to guys than girls, that it wasn't too important to tell anyone. Also, I didn't want anyone to think that I was just pretending to be bisexual because it's "cool" to be a bisexual girl. (Even though nothing I do is ever considered cool.)

I've recently come to the conclusion, like Miller, that I'm probably more 50/50 bi than 80/20 or some such thing, and I'd really like to get involved with a girl, but since I'm in a relationship I don't feel as though I can act on my desires (even though my boyfriend has hinted that he'd be cool with such a thing). There's also the fact that I have no idea of how I should come on to a girl (like, I'm even more clueless than when it comes to flirting with guys, and I'm pretty clueless about that, I've only ever had one boyfriend and he came on to me), and what if I do that and she's not even gay/bi? It's so hard to tell, unless I went for one of the stereotypical butch lesbians. I don't want to get beat up or anything. I'm uncomfortable at bars and parties, so I don't have that as a venue for scoping out hot chicks.

I'm also not into a lot of "gay" things, and while I know that the vast majority of gay/bi people aren't into things like musical theater and women's basketball, those are the kinds of things the gay club at my college sponsored. Most of those kids were really into being gay, too, like their sexuality was the only thing of importance in their life. They were all walking stereotypes. I don't want to be like that, but I've never been exposed to any "normal" gay people. Then again, I'm not exposed to people that much period.

I haven't come out to anyone except my boyfriend, though I did mention something about the Kinsey scale to my mom and how I'd be something like a two or three on it, although I don't think she understood what I meant. My parents are so uptight about sex period that I don't think they'd take it very well, if I were to tell them. I mean, hell, they were upset enough when I came home with a boy.

[iampunha]

Originally Posted by Miller

Part of what's keeping me back is the fact that I've never so much as flirted with a guy before, and I feel sort of uncomfortable coming out when I don't have anything to come out about.

I'm still trying to figure that out, other than the whole joking flirty nature, and my best suggestion is to just transpose stuff for how it would go on a guy. Beyond that I can't tell you, though; doing some mental transposition I just got the image of ... something I wish I'd thought up in the privacy of my own room.

_{Why I tell you people these things I will never know.}

[Telperien]

I realized that I was bisexual when I was about fifteen. I had developed at that time an insane crush on a female friend of mine. I confessed it to her and she surprised me by responding in kind. She was bisexual too but had known it, in her words, forever. We had a secret sexual relationship for a few months. To my family and the friends we didn't have in common, we were friends; to her family and our mutual friends, we were a couple. I came out to various friends over the course of a few years. Only one member of my family knows, as far as I know. I told the cousin that I am closest in age to. Despite the background of that side of the family (they went from drinkin', druggin', hell-raisers to very strict Pentecostals while my dad and his siblings were growing up), she is completely accepting of me. The only thing is that when I told her--we were both a few months from our sixteenth birthdays--she was somewhat surprised as I was what you might call "boy crazy." (Do people even still say that?) I told her I still was.

I haven't told my parents. I'm not quite sure what my mom would say, but I know most of her relatives would likely be disgusted. My dad would be horrified and would instantly drag me off for re-programming, intensive prayer, what have you. For a while he thought I was gay (perhaps the constant chatter about what boy I thought was cute stopped for more than a minute) and would lecture me about how I was destined for hell if I "decided to be a queer."

I am out to many people but not family. I vacillate between thinking that they don't really need to know, since I'll probably end up Spinster with Many Cats, and wanting to out myself to everyone. I have never been all that brave a person. If it somehow came out that they already knew, I would almost be relieved.

[InternetLegend]

My experience is a whole lot like that of TeaElle, except that I knew I was really, really attracted to some women/girls by the time I was 15 or 16. I never really put a name to it, though - even now I'm not sure "bisexual" is a label I apply to myself. I had a couple of very intense emotional relationships with girls in high school, and one intense physical relationship with a woman, but I ended up falling in love with and marrying a man by the time I was 20. We're pretty monogamous, so it's really been a moot point for a long time. I'm not sure I could put a percentage on it; I notice both men and women sexually (if you asked me whether I'd consider sleeping with someone I've met if the situation were right, I could almost always tell you without having to think it over), but I'm only truly attracted to certain individuals. Sometimes they're men and sometimes they're women. Since I tend to be attracted to people who seem to be attracted to me, that means there do tend to be more men than women, but I'm fairly picky about either sex.

I was always honest with my husband about how I felt, but I didn't tell friends when I was younger. As I got older, I became more and more open about who and what I feel I am with most of my friends, so by the time I was 30 almost all of them knew. I'm very vocal about gay rights issues, but I must admit I've taken the safe road with people like the parents of my kids' friends and with my family. With family, it's not so much that I'm not willing to let them know that I'm not straight, but I know that they would immediately begin to worry about the state of my marriage, and I'd rather not get them started. With the parents of my kids' friends, however, I must say that I'm not honest because I do worry that my children would end up being ostracized, and I do often feel guilty that I have the dubious luxury of being able to present an essentially false front.

[SolGrundy]

Originally Posted by Captain Amazing

I don't know if straight people can know how it feels to be closeted (and maybe other gay people can't either...maybe it's just me, but I don't think so). You so desperately want to tell other people...to tell your friends and family [...] Keeping this secret seems like one of the biggest things in the world to you, because you never know how other people will react if they find out, and the thoughts just go through your mind..."If I tell him, will he stop liking me? Will he treat me differently? Oh my god, what if I tell him and he thinks I'm hitting on him?" Stuff like that. Maybe it's silly, but that's just the way you feel.

That's pretty much how it was for me, and from the other guys I've talked to about it, they had similar experiences. One friend said that he always felt like he had a big scarlet "F" on his forehead. I always imagined it as a big neon sign floating over my head saying "HOMO" and an arrow pointing down.

One of the first people I told, we started talking about that very thing. I said something like, "All this time it's been such a huge deal to me because I thought everybody suspected something! I can't believe I had everyone fooled all this time." The best response I got was, "Uh, it's not exactly that you had us all fooled. It's that we really didn't care enough about it one way or the other to think about it." I wish it could be such a non-issue for everyone, especially for people who are still in the closet. It really doesn't have to be such a big deal.

[gfloyd]

Well, I first had a thought that I might be bi when I was in high school, when one of my friends came out of the closet, but was willing to deny it to myself and the world, until I was making out with my first boyfriend this summer and was like, gee, kissing you is nice, but I think I'd rather kiss girls. Didn't tell him, though, as I didn't want to hurt him. Broke up for other reasons, shortly thereafter.

The first person I told was one of my friends, whose response was "I can't wait to go clubbing with you in San Francisco." I nearly died of laughter. My close friends all know and don't really care either way, I haven't told my parents. My dad would be like, that's nice dear, now help me with dinner. My mother would probably disown me, but that wouldn't be so bad, as she's close to doing it anyway for reasons that have nothing to do with my sexuality. I just haven't got around to telling them.

[panache45]

Had my first sexual fantasy at age 5.

Put 2 and 2 together around age 13.

First had sex my first semester in college, the night before my calculus final.

The next 17 years are a blur.

Finally accepted myself at age 35.

[Emperor Penguin]

I went through all of the standard stuff. I had feelings towards boys since I was pretty young, but I always brushed them off. I rememberone magazine ad that was in the TV guide when I was a kid. I wanted just to sit and stare at it. NOt because I was attracted to him, but just because he "looked cool". It made sense at the time, and continued to for the next eight or nine years. All through elementary school and high school I was firmly in the closet. Not just with everybody eles, but even with myself.

I had homosexual fantasys involving dang near all of my male friends, but I never thought twice about it. I didn't think that it was gay, and I didn't feel guilty about it at all. But I was straight. In fact I only remember one time when I thought taht I might be gay. I was walking down my high school hall (I was in Grade Eleven or Twelve). It turned into a borderline panic attack. I wasn't unpopular in high school. In order to be unpopular, some one would have to know who I was. I was a wallflower. No close friends, just kind of drifted around. Didn' help that I was way over weight, and looked like alimp of uncooked dough. I had zero self esteem. Dealing with being gay would have killed me. I don't hesistate to say if I had come out, I would have killed myself. Which is weird, because I was never "taught" that being gay was wrong, outside ofwhat one hears in the halls of your average high school.

Looking back, I'm schocked that I never realized. I was deeply, deeply in love with my friend from elementary untill we drifted apart in high school. I can remember in elementrat school walking around the playground while all of the boys played soccer with my umbrella on my shoulder, and my wrist limper than a wet noodle ala Peggy Bundy from married with children fame.

My "closest" friend in high school was a very conservagtive christian, and a huge homophobe. Just the mere mention of "fags" and he would shudder in disgust. We were never close, but when you have no friends and are intensly introverted, you take what you can get. Looking back, I think that he was pretty far into the closet, judging by his behaviour. For him, I wish the best.

A confounding factor during this time was the fact that i was attracted to women. I always wanted a girlfriend. Rather, I wanted to be loved, believing that if I could find some one else who loved me, I could love myself. Yeah, wrong on that one. Big time.

By the time I hit my second year of University, I was ready to come out as Bi. At least to myself. I still like women, and I still wanted a girlfriend, but I was ready the entertain the thought of men. It took me another year to realize that no matter how beautiful I thought some women were, I still didn't want to have sex with them. Cock was my thing. This all came to a head (heh) during a performance of the Vagina Monolouges I was attending with My friend Carli, her friend, and my bi friend Rob (who I had come out to early as bi). I had weird feelings for Carli, and I still do, but that is neither here nor there. So there you go. The Vagina Monolouges will turn you gay. I have proof.

During all of this coming out, I started to feel more nad more like I was finding out who I was. I'm out to most of my friends. My close friends know, and others who are less clsoe may or may not, I haven't said, but mostly because I don't feel the need to come out to everybody I meet. If it come up, then no biggie. I haven't told my parents. i'll do that when I meet somebody, abd it becomes germaine. I'm not too afraid of them disowning me. I live on my own, but in the same town as them, so there is some closeness. I think the big thing is that I just don't want to talk about sex or things related to sex with my parents. Just too weird and embarassing. Its a hang up, but its mine hang up. I'll deal with it in time.

But even after coming out as gay, some thing just felt a bit off. I'm now trying to come to terms with the fact that I may be transgendered. I'm not sure how to feel about that or what to do, but it's something I'm working through. Frankly, it rather confusing. But this coud be my third time coming out . Dang. You would think that I would have gotten this out of my system all at once.

And for the record, I started coming out at 19 or so, and I'm now 23, so I figure I don't nessecarily have to have everything figured out right yet.