Who realy has no friends?

[Bippy the Beardless]

Following on from this thread http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/...d.php?t=372896 about women not wanting to go out with men who have no friends.

How do people ever end up having no friends? I can see such a situation happening transitoraly, in that someone may have no friends locally if they have just moved to a new location. But how can someone end up with no friends at all? Do they try to have no friends? Do they have friends but not acknowledge that the relationship they have is friendship? Is there definition of friendship unrealistic (would they for instance consider that someone who they socialise with and spend time with is not a friend because they woun't lend them money, or similar)? Are they extremely socially incapable, bordering on mental illness?

[Maastricht]

A divorce can take a lot of friends away; if you didn't have much friends to begin with, you're screwed. But maybe that's just one of the temporary situations you mentioned.

[YaWanna]

Are you genuinely having difficulty conceiving of a friendless person? Because it would be fairly easy to perceive a certain negative tone in some of the questions you pose, or at least an inability to empathize.

For a long time after I moved to Oregon, I had no friends (unless you count my SO, to whom I was not married at the time). It's not just one thing - it's very complicated. (1) I'm quite introverted and in fact do have a mental illness (one that makes trust difficult for me), as well as social awkwardness. (2) My SO is extremely jealous, untrusting and controlling. (3) It's much more difficult to meet new people, especially those with whom you are compatible, when you work for very small businesses, as I have. (4) I am a childless woman who is not at all interested in the world of children and child-rearing, which means parents and I have a large area of their lives that can be a hindrance to friendship. (5) I have physical infirmities which leave me exhausted by the end of the workday, thus negating the possibility of me getting involved in many after-work activities like sports or volunteering. Some days, I barely have the energy to get ready for bed. (6) My tastes in just about everything are a bit out of the mainstream - I don't like most of the same music, TV shows, books, etc., that are most popular with the larger portion of society, so that's one less area of common ground on which to establish a relationship. It's not something I'm willing to compromise on, because I have to be true to myself to be happy. (7) My definition of friendship, while not strict, does not include everyone I'm acquainted with on decent terms. I have to actually chose to be in their company and enjoy it, not just happen to be thrown together by circumstances and such. For instance: there are people I know from church, chat with, even go to home groups/Bible studies with - but I'd never have them to my house for dinner or go shopping with them or whatever. There's just something about them that doesn't "click" for me. (8) I've lost touch with everyone I grew up with. I've tried to keep in touch, but some of them just don't respond any more, so I finally gave up.

Which leads me to my point: friendship is based on chemistry in the same way that love affairs are. You can make an effort to be friendly to someone, but you can't make yourself feel those warm feelings if the chemistry just isn't there.

I do happen to have a few friends now. It just took a long time, due to the obstacles above. But I understand what it's like to not have any, and would never presume that a friendless person "just wasn't trying" or was otherwise at fault. I hope I'm wrong, and that you aren't making those assumptions, either.

[Dung Beetle]

I'm glad you asked. The whole time I was reading that thread, I was thinking, "Hey, I have no friends..." I don't find it a problem though, or think that there's anything wrong with me.

FWIW, I'm female. I have never had large circles of friends, instead preferring to focus on only one or two people in my life. That person at this time is my husband. I also have kids, so there's not a lot of excess time for socializing or doing the maintenance work (phone calls, sending cards) that goes with a friendship.

I do like a couple of people at work more than the others and vice versa, but I'm not much of a one for asking favors from non-family members, so I don't put them to that test.

The people on this board provide all the friendship I need...all the benefits, none of the upkeep. Woot!

[Kyyrewyyoae]

I have almost no friends. I have a few close friends from my days in the service, but they're scattered across the country and I haven't seen them in person for years. I still talk to a small handful from high school, and I have acquaintances through my cousins. I've lived in this town for 1.5 years and I still don't know a single person.

[caveman]

Originally Posted by Bippy the Beardless

Following on from this thread http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/...d.php?t=372896 about women not wanting to go out with men who have no friends.

How do people ever end up having no friends? I can see such a situation happening transitoraly, in that someone may have no friends locally if they have just moved to a new location. But how can someone end up with no friends at all? Do they try to have no friends? Do they have friends but not acknowledge that the relationship they have is friendship? Is there definition of friendship unrealistic (would they for instance consider that someone who they socialise with and spend time with is not a friend because they woun't lend them money, or similar)? Are they extremely socially incapable, bordering on mental illness?

I'm a well-adjusted, socially capable guy. I'm friendly, but I just don't really form those attachments. My wife has friends, and they're cool, but they're hers, which she has acquired through work and other organizations. I don't like to get too involved with my coworkers, and I'm not much for clubs. I've seen the drama and sense of commitment that comes with maintaining a large social network, and I'm happy to be unburdened by any such issues. I get plenty of social exposure through my wife's connections, and it's fun, but I can't say I'd miss it terribly if we never partook. I don't depend on her for all my entertainment needs, either. I have things I like to do by myself, but geocaching, scootering and reading (for example) don't really require much in the way of social interaction.

There ya have it: a reasonably normal guy, happy with his life, with nary a buddy to hang out with.

[Sal Ammoniac]

Originally Posted by Dung Beetle

I'm glad you asked. The whole time I was reading that thread, I was thinking, "Hey, I have no friends..." I don't find it a problem though, or think that there's anything wrong with me.

FWIW, I'm female. I have never had large circles of friends, instead preferring to focus on only one or two people in my life. That person at this time is my husband. I also have kids, so there's not a lot of excess time for socializing or doing the maintenance work (phone calls, sending cards) that goes with a friendship.

I do like a couple of people at work more than the others and vice versa, but I'm not much of a one for asking favors from non-family members, so I don't put them to that test.

The people on this board provide all the friendship I need...all the benefits, none of the upkeep. Woot!

At the risk of being a dittohead, well... ditto.

Though I think it's fair to say that someone who's married and has children does have friends. It just so happens that they're his or her immediate family. But of course these are the neediest friends you'll ever meet, so if you have anything else on your plate obligation-wise, you'll be hard pressed to maintain extensive friendships beyond your own four walls.

And to echo Maastricht's point, if you lose this immediate circle of friends through divorce, or similarly, if you happen to be single and of a certain age, you'll find that a vast part of the population is already tied down familywise, timewise, and friendwise. You're looking at a dramatically reduced friend pool, in other words.

I do have a very small number of single friends, and I always feel bad on their account. I can't really hide that I don't have the time for them, and they know it and I know it. Single people and families just aren't terribly compatible, it's a social fact. But if the singles cast off all the families they know, they'd often end up with almost nobody, or worse than nobody. Because let's not kid ourselves, there are a lot of socially maladapted middle-aged singles out there. Hell, I'd be one myself if I wasn't married.

[Bippy the Beardless]

Ah, but everyone so far here has friends (their SO, wife, etc) so when someone is talking about having no friends do they really just mean 'no very good friends outside of my immediate family' which to me is much more understandable.
I susspect it is also a difference in peoples deffinition of when 'social aquantance' becomes 'friend' in terms of level of interaction.
I know the name of only one of my neighbours, but a few of them I would consider friends, we chat pleasantly together, we would help each other out if we needed sugar/got locked out/needed a lift, I would consider them friends (though not 'good friends') maybe you others would consider such relationships 'friendship' but just polite social contacts?

The reason my OP may have come off somewhat offensive, is that I doubt someone could eng up having no such friendly polite social relationships with out eversome sort of mental problem that makes their attempts to socialise very difficult, or that they actively chose not to socialise at all.

Do people who claim to have no friends react to a neighbour who asks 'hello, how are you doing? The weathers getting much better now...' by ignoring the person, or simply grunting, as one of my neighbours does?

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

I have people at work that I'm friendly with, but nobody to socialize with away from work.

I haven't had a real friend since the 80's.

I just don't have the ability to make friends, or even strike up a conversation.

I've become cold, bitter, lonely & remote.

[YaWanna]

Originally Posted by Bippy the Beardless

I know the name of only one of my neighbours, but a few of them I would consider friends, we chat pleasantly together, we would help each other out if we needed sugar/got locked out/needed a lift, I would consider them friends (though not 'good friends') maybe you others would consider such relationships 'friendship' but just polite social contacts?

If I don't know their name, how can they be a friend? Just because a neighbor would help you in a situation doesn't mean they are someone you'd confide in, or lend your car to, or invite to your house for dinner, or even just to hang out & watch TV together. Maybe your definition of "friend" is too loose.

The reason my OP may have come off somewhat offensive, is that I doubt someone could eng up having no such friendly polite social relationships with out eversome sort of mental problem that makes their attempts to socialise very difficult, or that they actively chose not to socialise at all.

Do people who claim to have no friends react to a neighbour who asks 'hello, how are you doing? The weathers getting much better now...' by ignoring the person, or simply grunting, as one of my neighbours does?

Believe it or not, not one of my neighbors ever says "hello" or appears to give a rat's ass how I'm doing. Maybe that's my fault. But, in all my lifetime, it seems there were 2 kinds of neighbors: ones that mostly minded their own business (might wave or say hello, but that's about it), and those you actually got to know and thus moved from "acquaintance" to "friend" (if not necessaritly the deepest level of friendship).

To be a friend is to know & be known. I talk to my coworkers every day, but they barely bother to remember basic things about me; we get along well, but they never invite me to join them for lunch or shopping. I see my friends quite a bit less often, but they remember me, because they're not just "being polite," they actually like me for who I am. They invite us over, we sometimes go on vacation together. It's like they're an extension of family.

[YaWanna]

Originally Posted by Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor

I have people at work that I'm friendly with, but nobody to socialize with away from work.

I haven't had a real friend since the 80's.

I just don't have the ability to make friends, or even strike up a conversation.

I've become cold, bitter, lonely & remote.

I'm truly sorry.

[enipla]

Originally Posted by caveman

I'm a well-adjusted, socially capable guy. I'm friendly, but I just don't really form those attachments. My wife has friends, and they're cool, but they're hers, which she has acquired through work and other organizations. I don't like to get too involved with my coworkers, and I'm not much for clubs. I've seen the drama and sense of commitment that comes with maintaining a large social network, and I'm happy to be unburdened by any such issues. I get plenty of social exposure through my wife's connections, and it's fun, but I can't say I'd miss it terribly if we never partook. I don't depend on her for all my entertainment needs, either. I have things I like to do by myself, but geocaching, scootering and reading (for example) don't really require much in the way of social interaction.

There ya have it: a reasonably normal guy, happy with his life, with nary a buddy to hang out with.

I could have wrote this... Wanna be friends?

I have one very good friend that lives 8 hours away. My brother would count too. He lives two hours away. My Wife has a number of friends that get together on a regular basis, I see them once in a while. However, I am perfectly happy puttering around our house.

This weekend I'll be working on our shed (it got out of level during the winter), and looking into a hitch for my new vehicle. I'm looking forward to it.

[Malienation]

Got one male friend (known him 25+ years) and my girlfriend (been together 16 years). That's it, not interested in more, everyone else is just an acquaintence. If my male friend dies or moves away, that's it; if my gf dies or leaves me, well, that's the last relationship I'll ever be in. I have always felt that I am an outsider, one of society's throwaways; generally, I am content to work, hit the gym, and read books. Usually, I am at peace with this decision, although I do admit that sometimes I am sad and lonely at what I have become. But I am what I am.

[Omegaman]

I am a married male over the age of forty and have no friends. I do however , have a fantastic wife. She is really the only friend I need. I do have many aquaintances, but don't find I really have enough in common with them to socialize.

[Bippy the Beardless]

Originally Posted by YaWanna

If I don't know their name, how can they be a friend? Just because a neighbor would help you in a situation doesn't mean they are someone you'd confide in, or lend your car to, or invite to your house for dinner, or even just to hang out & watch TV together. Maybe your definition of "friend" is too

Could well be right, someone whom you are always friendly to and whom is always friendly in return, are they a friend? Admittedly the 'friend' neighbour that I am thinking of is what I would consider the lowest on the scale of friendship that I consider a friend. The not knowing names is more due to my remarkable difficulty with names, rather than any lack of wish to know their names. I'd certainly watch TV with them or cook them a dinner, but wouldn't want to impose on them either.
In fact my own difficulty with names and long term depression would make me think I were a person likely to not have friends, yet I have many people I would consider very good friends, even amongst those acquatances who are married and as such I recognise have little time for socialisong anymore.
I wonder if Bosda just requires a higher level on the 'friendship scale' before he considers someone a friend than I have, and that perhapse we have somewhat simlar amounts of friendly social content.
From what he says Bosda isn't as outgoing as me since he says he doesn't have the ability to strike up conversations. But if (such a person) can contribute to a conversation started by another (as seems the case for our Bosda who is a more than capable contributer to any thread on the dope, and hopefully as capable in a face to face conversation) then they would seem to be able to make contributions and conversation that could lead to friendship.
That is unless they either don't know how to continue converstaions without leading to alienation of others in the conversation, or else don't wish to lead the conversation into places where friendships may be created through the conversation and associated dealings.

I'm wondering, is there a person who considers themselves friendless, who would actually like to have friends and would be willing to take the actions and risk the dissapointments and or costs that are associated with trying to gain a few friends>

[Bippy the Beardless]

Lots of people coming in with one uber-friend so/spouse. I think my OP title was problamatic in that I pluralised friends in my quesion. I think people who have one really good all encompasing friend, do have friends, even if the grammer of that statement sucks. Also an SO's friends are often your own friends even if they are firstly and formostely you SO's friends. In the same way that a children's friends become their parents friends, and the children's friend's family often become friends of the child's family.
I have often heard that adults often find most of their friends through their children, and susspect that it is very true. So those of us without children are likely to have less friends and friends through different sorts of reasons than those with children.

[Honey]

Lone wolf here. I'm a sane (I think), easygoing, generally nice person who has acquaintances, but no real friends. It's what I choose. I like my own company and I'm never lonely.

[caveman]

Originally Posted by enipla

I could have wrote this... Wanna be friends?

As if! Like I'd want a dyslexic mountain-dweller for a pal...

[Bippy the Beardless]

Originally Posted by Honey

Lone wolf here. I'm a sane (I think), easygoing, generally nice person who has acquaintances, but no real friends. It's what I choose. I like my own company and I'm never lonely.

Due to your use of the term 'no real friends' I'd like to explore further, if I may.

Do you have acquaintances that you would help with moving house, and whom you'd be happy to ask for help from if you were moving. Would you offer them tickets to an event if you won two or more tickets or would you always try and sell the extra tickets you didn't need. Would you go out to a group meal with them if they were having one on their birthday?
Though you would rather be on your own that with them most or all of the time, would you none the less spend time with them ocasionally if that was what htey clearly wanted of you?

[fishbicycle]

Bippy, I have friends, and my wife has friends, but we don't hang out with any other couples. Her friends are not my friends. I don't even know them. When she wants to visit them, she does, by herself. If I went along, I'd be sitting in a corner with nothing to do, because I know less than nothing about roleplaying games or anime or manga. Not wishing to be a fifth wheel, I'm fine with my wife having her own interests and friends. At the moment, she's 300 miles away visiting an old friend from high school. They have a bond and a history that I play no part in, and they're welcome to it.

Regarding neighbors, we've been in our house for six years, and I've never met another person on the street. Couldn't tell you the names of the people who live on either side or across from us, or what they look like.

[Honey]

Originally Posted by Bippy the Beardless

Due to your use of the term 'no real friends' I'd like to explore further, if I may.

Do you have acquaintances that you would help with moving house, and whom you'd be happy to ask for help from if you were moving. Would you offer them tickets to an event if you won two or more tickets or would you always try and sell the extra tickets you didn't need. Would you go out to a group meal with them if they were having one on their birthday?
Though you would rather be on your own that with them most or all of the time, would you none the less spend time with them ocasionally if that was what htey clearly wanted of you?

Not good enough friends that I'd feel comfortable calling out of the blue and asking if they'd like to go to the movies or dinner. On the other hand if they were to call me asking for assistance with something, I'd definitely offer my help. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking for help from them though. Reading this, it does seem rather odd, doesn't it?

[Spectre of Pithecanthropus]

My wife and I are both in the focus-on-each-other camp. It's not something that came about intentionally but rather it just evolved that way. There's just not a huge amount of time for me, outside my job, that I want to go find new people to hang out with, when I've got a wife at home. Such time as I have to be alone, I need. I don't have enough, though I'll have to make more when I start school in the fall. There, I'll definitely be working on projects with other students--and it will almost all be online with people whom I never see IRL.

Which brings up another point, namely that some people are satisfied with the contact that the Internet provides. It may not be an ideal replacement, but message boards and the like provide many of the same opportunities for casual chitchat that one also finds in pubs and other places where people gather IRL.

[Kalhoun]

My husband doesn't need friends. He has one buddy and me, basically. I, on the other hand, like my friendship relationships. I don't have as many as I used to, but I've become good friends with his sisters and his ex-wife is my best friend. I go out with the gals but I only have a couple that are really close. I don't have to be in a super-tight relationship to call someone a friend.

[Roderick Femm]

Originally Posted by Bippy the Beardless

Do people who claim to have no friends react to a neighbour who asks 'hello, how are you doing? The weathers getting much better now...' by ignoring the person, or simply grunting, as one of my neighbours does?

This is a very strange question. No, I answer politely and make a little more small talk as appropriate, but that doesn't make us friends, it doesn't even make us friendly neighbors, it makes us polite neighbors.

You seem to have the idea that "no friends" is the equivalent of extreme misanthropy. I would define things differently myself. A friend, to me, is very different from a polite acquaintance.

In my own case I have my SO, and his friends. They seem to like me but if we broke up tomorrow I would probably never see them again (and wouldn't mind all that much). There are one or two people at work I am very friendly with, but we never socialize outside of work so I wouldn't call them friends either. In one case I would like to be better friends because I like him as a person, but we have next to nothing in common. I have a hard time finding people who interest me, who find me interesting, and who have space in their lives for someone like me. I've also realized I'm not very good at doing those thoughtful things for other people that tend to cement new relationships into friendships.

I once had someone whom I didn't like very much tell me out of the blue that I was his best friend. I had to stop seeing him, the whole thing was too disagreeable. I'm not sure what that says about me, if anything.

[Bippy the Beardless]

Originally Posted by Roderick Femm

This is a very strange question. No, I answer politely and make a little more small talk as appropriate, but that doesn't make us friends, it doesn't even make us friendly neighbors, it makes us polite neighbors.

I agree, but being polite is a stepping stone towards having friends, I was wondering if those who feel they have no friends try to avoid the possibility of getting friends by being impolite.

I once had someone whom I didn't like very much tell me out of the blue that I was his best friend. I had to stop seeing him, the whole thing was too disagreeable. I'm not sure what that says about me, if anything.

Now that is scary. Was the person who did this the sort of person who you would think has no friends. The social incompitent type who exudes negativity.

What I'm really getting at/trying to understand is those people who are socially capable and yet say they have no friends. If people really chose not to have friends, and go out of their way to avoid picking up friendships. Or if they just stick to one overriding friend (often an S.O.). If they just are indifferent to the whole idea of having friends. If they are affraid of the responsibilities that come from being someones friend. Or other reasons ...

[dre2xl]

Originally Posted by Roderick Femm

You seem to have the idea that "no friends" is the equivalent of extreme misanthropy. I would define things differently myself. A friend, to me, is very different from a polite acquaintance.

Dittos. I see friends as someone you are comfortable enough to call up and chat out of the blue. Haven't had a friend since high school, by that definition. It's not because of a lack of social skills... it's just a lack of desire to get to that level of closeness with anyone. My ex was/is very good friends with his ex. She'd feel comfortable enough to wake him up in the middle of night to complain about a mouse problem. I can't imagine being comfortable enough with anyone to do that, not even my Mom.

[Roderick Femm]

Originally Posted by Bippy the Beardless

Now that is scary. Was the person who did this the sort of person who you would think has no friends. The social incompitent type who exudes negativity.

No, there were other people in his life (whether they were friends or not it would be up to them to say). I found him disagreeable, and maybe other people did too, but not because he was socially inept or actively negative.

To speak further on this, I consider myself to have no friends outside of my SO. I consider this to be a failing on my part, due to being too self-absorbed (to simplify greatly), but it is also something to which I am relatively indifferent. I get along with myself pretty well, and with other people pretty well, even if they don't seek out my company much.

[Neidhart]

I have no friends. Through most of my life I've been an extreme loner, spending all my free time reading or watching TV and never feeling any need for human contact. I never even felt the first pangs of loneliness till I was 28; don't know what caused it, but that was around the time my hairline began to recede.

Since then, from time to time I've developed what you might call friendships with people I met at work. (Always women; I've never felt comfortable around other males and have never been inclined to hang out with them.)

We'd go to a few movies together, hang out a few times, but invariably she'd just stop responding to my emails within a year or so and "fall off the face of the earth." Every single time. I take this as meaning I'm quite boring -- which I wouldn't argue with -- and not fun to be around. Eventually, I just gave up and stopped trying to develop casual acquaintanceships any further.

I've only ever had one romantic relationship, a long-distance one in late 2000 with a woman from Wisconsin, but we were just incompatible in important ways and broke up amicably in January.

I suspect I may have some form of autism or Asperger's syndrome, but I've never been diagnosed with such.

I've accepted the fact that I'm just going to sit on the sidelines and observe as the years pass by. Still get lonely from time to time, though.

[Imasquare]

Originally Posted by Bippy the Beardless

How do people ever end up having no friends?

Originally Posted by Bippy the Beardless

Are they extremely socially incapable, bordering on mental illness?

Yes Social Phobia is an illness that in exetreme cases can result in the sufferer losing the ability to form any sort of social relationships.

[Shagnasty]

I had a classic best friend growing up. We had every class together from preschool to graduation day senior year of high school. If he didn't feel like taking his girlfriend (now wife) out on a date in high school, he would call me to take her out for the night (loose lines drawn of course although some nudity wasn't out of the question). We had threesomes and foursomes (no guy on guy stuff. I am straight thank you very much). He was also a bit of a psycho and helped me develop into some things that disturb me now. He was always the instigator and I was the follow through guy. He would come up with the crazy, dangerous, or illegal stuff and I would find a way to make it happen. I left my rural Louisiana home at 18 to be the only one in our high school graduating class to go to college. He stayed home to run his father's business and making good money while becoming an alcoholic. I was at school studying my ass off (while becoming an alcoholic too) and we never spoke again until two years ago when I went to visit. It was nice and brief and that time is far gone now.

I have always been so particular about people it makes it very hard to be friends with males. Some of the few former male coworkers that I actually liked are members of this board now but we never speak IRL. Most guys bore me very much and I don't want to be around them. The very last thing I want in a friend is to feel that I am propping them up in an overall way. No thanks. The hiking easier if you go up the mountain without someone on a tow line. The males that I am attracted to as males most likely would fit the profile of a serial killer quite well.

Most of my friends in the last few years have been female and it presents problems because I am married and most of them are married. My wife knows my track-record and wouldn't mind if I took an attractive coworker to a nice dinner but I have experienced problems on other fronts in the past so you have to hide stuff even if you aren't doing anything.

Friends are like gifts. If good ones come, be thankful. If you get crappy ones, just pass them off on someone else.

[mks57]

Sometimes they die. I've lost several friends that way. It happens more often as you get older.

[Wesley Clark]

Originally Posted by Bippy the Beardless

How do people ever end up having no friends? I can see such a situation happening transitoraly, in that someone may have no friends locally if they have just moved to a new location. But how can someone end up with no friends at all? Do they try to have no friends? Do they have friends but not acknowledge that the relationship they have is friendship? Is there definition of friendship unrealistic (would they for instance consider that someone who they socialise with and spend time with is not a friend because they woun't lend them money, or similar)? Are they extremely socially incapable, bordering on mental illness?

I have friends now but about 6-10 years ago I had none. At the time though I was seriously mentally ill and didn't know it and felt I couldn't relate to people and had alot of shame.

I've always been a loner though, so I can function fine w/o friends but I always have a few people I can converse with or choose to go out with nowadays. Alot of people like having me as a friend, so its not hard for me to form friendships. But at the end of the day I am my own best entertainment, best emotional support and I enjoy my own company more than anyone else I've ever met has come close to being able to do for me.

[Renee]

I have acquired some friends in the past few years, rather unintentionally. They are the best kind of friends--I can completely neglect them for months and then one of us will call or IM the other and we will talk for a while; whatever. They are smart and interesting, and, best of all, out of town.
I have no desire to have friends I must maintain on a weekly/monthly basis. I have plenty of family and get plenty of social interaction through them. I considered everyone I worked with at my last job friends, but wasn't crazy about the idea of doing a whole lot outside of work with them.
My husband has about 10 really good friends that he has had since he was a little boy. The thought of that exausts me. Frankly, this message board pretty much fufills my social needs, though I have good social skills IRL.

[Der Trihs]

Outside of my brother, I have no friends. I've been diagnosed with Asberger's; I don't really get people very well, especially in person. Plus, strangers make my skin crawl; I'm usually more interested in getting away from them, not making friends.

Fortunately, I like being alone.

[Ea_calendula]

I don't really have friends either - outside a few family members who live far away. Where I live, I have no people whom I could call out of the blue or socialise with, like going to the cinema or something. But it seems you are looking for people who actively avoid other people, and I don't. I'm not shy about talking to/with people, but somehow I never seem to get it quite right. I've been told by others that I appear aloof and a bit eccentric, but I'm not really sure what I do wrong, because I try to be friendly and welcoming. Feels like I'm a bit out of sync with most people and that it puts them off. I have no idea what to do about it though, except for keep trying. Thankfully I enjoy my own company and I'm rarely bored. I always seem to have some project or interest going, and there's the Internet too.

[YumemiSama]

I went through a period in adolescence where I had no friends. I know a lot of teens think they're outcasts, but in my case it was true; it was the result of a very unfriendly social atmosphere that started when I was in grade school and worsened over the years, combined with a very screwy family situation. I got up, I went to school, I came home, I ate dinner, I went to bed. Seriously.

It wasn't until we got actual internet access when I was in my late teens that I started to be able to forge relationships with other people. It was very frustrating before that, especially as some of the people were geographically very close, but me being too young to drive and my mother being exceedingly paranoid (we weren't allowed to so much as sit in the front yard when we were growing up -- never mind walk half a block to the house of someone we knew from school) meant I had no opportunity to talk to anyone outside of school, and school was my least favorite place in the world at the time. Having no friends was my choice, but it was a case of choosing the lesser of two evils.

I also got a lot of odd messages about people and how you're supposed to behave towards people who were trying to make friends that it took me a long time to shake when I moved out for college. It took me years to realize that always refusing any polite offers of food or drink when invited over to someone's house was actually very odd; my parents complained incessantly about my sister's best friend eating them out of house and home every time she came over, and I internalized it. So, not having friends is sometimes a matter of never really knowing how to make them.

I consider myself to have quite a number of friends now, including a lot of people I've 'met' over the Internet, whom I have never actually seen in person or heard on the phone, but whom I have known or known of for long enough that I wouldn't hesitate to meet them for dinner or drinks, all by myself, if they happened to be in my town. Money isn't generally brought up in these friendships (since everyone is pretty aware that I haven't got any ) but the hardest thing I ever had to learn to do is ask for help when I'm having a hard time, and my real friends are the people I can call or IM and tell them when I need company.

[kiz]

I've always called myself a "sociable loner" in that I like having friends to visit/do things with, but I also have a large loner streak where, if I didn't seem them for awhile, it wouldn't bother me very much. My relationship with my two best friends from college is a good example. Plus there's also the 40 miles between us which makes any day-to-day kaffeklatching impossible.

I've always had a difficult time maintaining friendships. A lot used to have to do with my work schedule (I did overnights for 10+ years), which made any type of socializing nearly impossible. After awhile I gave up because I rationalized what was the use of even trying to make friends if I'm never around?

These days my work schedule is a bit more manageable (Present Employer doesn't have overnight bakers), so if I wanted to to make friends, I now have the time. Problem is, everybody has either moved or had kids or whatever. I've got a lot of acquaintances (coworkers, etc.), but no real nearby friends except for my husband. And we're 24/7 caretakers for my mother. Oh well.

[msmith537]

Here is my theory:

Most of your close friends you make during childhood up to until you graduate high school. These are your "friends from back home". These are the folks you are friends with even though you don't see each other for ten years.

After graduating high school, everyone goes their separate ways - college, work, military, etc. People either stay local and maintain their high school friendships or go off to college where they will make completely new friends. There is a transition period where you come back and see the old gang but generally by senior year you have your "college friends" and maybe a group of close friends from high school you still keep in touch with.

And that's pretty much it IMHO. People make "work friends" and I suppose they can become close if you work at a place for years and years. But for the most part those friendships tend to be more transitory (in a Gross Point Blank kind of way). People who have a lot of college and HS friends they still keep in touch with somehow seem more grounded. Then again, a lot of those people might still be in touch because they all went to community college together and now live in their home town as plumbers and policemen and teachers and such. Nothing wrong with that per se, but it's kind of a limited life experience.


I actually did work with Shagnasty, which I hope doesn't make me a serial killer. He actually is fairly normal IRL.

[davenportavenger]

Originally Posted by msmith537

Most of your close friends you make during childhood up to until you graduate high school. These are your "friends from back home". These are the folks you are friends with even though you don't see each other for ten years.

After graduating high school, everyone goes their separate ways - college, work, military, etc. People either stay local and maintain their high school friendships or go off to college where they will make completely new friends. There is a transition period where you come back and see the old gang but generally by senior year you have your "college friends" and maybe a group of close friends from high school you still keep in touch with.

And that's pretty much it IMHO. People make "work friends" and I suppose they can become close if you work at a place for years and years. But for the most part those friendships tend to be more transitory (in a Gross Point Blank kind of way). People who have a lot of college and HS friends they still keep in touch with somehow seem more grounded. Then again, a lot of those people might still be in touch because they all went to community college together and now live in their home town as plumbers and policemen and teachers and such. Nothing wrong with that per se, but it's kind of a limited life experience.

I disagree with this. I had no friends in HS outside of one girl who I ate lunch with (who wasn't allowed to "go out and play" outside of school due to a fucked up homelife), and no friends in college outside of my ex-SO (who I am not really in contact with anymore); I didn't really make non-Internet friends with my own interests until I ran away to the city. And these aren't work friends, either. Sometimes I feel a little disconnected as I don't have much of a history with my friends having only known them for a year, but history can be made as much as it can be relived.

I don't know why I'm posting except to say that even if you didn't form the so-called "important social bonds" in HS or college, that doesn't mean that you are doomed to be friendless for life. I find that to be a defeatist attitude.

[vix]

Originally Posted by Bippy the Beardless

What I'm really getting at/trying to understand is those people who are socially capable and yet say they have no friends. If people really chose not to have friends, and go out of their way to avoid picking up friendships. Or if they just stick to one overriding friend (often an S.O.). If they just are indifferent to the whole idea of having friends. If they are affraid of the responsibilities that come from being someones friend. Or other reasons ...

I can see how that can happen. I have friends, but very few live near me, which can be difficult and sometimes makes me feel like I have no friends.

In my case, it's a bit of what msmith537 mentioned. I have a good friend from high school and a large group of close college friends, but they're scattered all around the country. Work friendships have tended to be transitory. When I lived in NYC, I made a fair number of friends (many from the SDMB, in fact). However, since I've moved to Florida, it's been harder to make friends. I think it's partly a function of being a bit older -- so many people my age are already either married or parents or both and have their own agendas -- and partly due to this area just being less conducive to socializing.

So my "other reason" would be moving to a less social place in my early 30s, where/when fewer people are looking to make new friends.

[monavis]

Originally Posted by Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor

I have people at work that I'm friendly with, but nobody to socialize with away from work.

I haven't had a real friend since the 80's.

I just don't have the ability to make friends, or even strike up a conversation.

I've become cold, bitter, lonely & remote.

This is so sad!
If you really want a friend be one first. Ask questions of some one you would like to be your friend. Find something about persons you admire and tell them so.
People are lonely because they build a fence around themselves. Let people see the real you.

Do not let people define you, what they think of you good or bad doesn't make you what you are,that is all that counts. Be the person you like and that is all that matters, you are the only one who is with you all your life.

Monavis

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Originally Posted by monavis

This is so sad!
If you really want a friend be one first. Ask questions of some one you would like to be your friend. Find something about persons you admire and tell them so.
People are lonely because they build a fence around themselves. Let people see the real you.

Do not let people define you, what they think of you good or bad doesn't make you what you are,that is all that counts. Be the person you like and that is all that matters, you are the only one who is with you all your life.

Monavis

The last time somebody saw the Real Me, they called Ghostbusters.



But, thanks.

[yellowval]

My sister-in-law doesn't really have any friends, outside of her family. I think a big part of the problem for her is that she moved to this area after she was already married and had a child. So they pretty much took up all her time. Now, she's divorced and would like to meet people, but doesn't know how or where outside of work. We've tried to introduce her to our friends, but she never really connects with anyone or makes the effort to give people a call and say, "Hey, I'm going shopping. Do you want to come?" The way I see it is that it takes effort to make friends. If I meet someone and really click with them, I make an effort to get their number and make plans to do things together. I do this with very few people, but I do do it. I prefer to keep a small circle of close friends, and have a larger circle of friends (for us, this includes a lot of "couple friends") that we get together with now and then. And now I've rambled on too long. Carry on.

[msmith537]

Originally Posted by davenportavenger

I don't know why I'm posting except to say that even if you didn't form the so-called "important social bonds" in HS or college, that doesn't mean that you are doomed to be friendless for life. I find that to be a defeatist attitude.

That's not what I meant to imply. I just think that school is probably the easiest time in your life to make friends:
-Everyone is around the same age
-Everyone has common things to talk about - classes, their dorm, etc
-Everyone kind of knows of everyone else

Not that it's that easy. But it's a lot easier than when you get into the real world in your 20s and 30s where there isn't this instant network of people you can just join. You actually have to make an effort to do the things you like doing and hope you meet people along the way. Take a class. Join a gym. Whatever. Hang out with some coworkers if they go out after work. See if your school sponsers alumni events locally.

If all you do is work some isolating job and go home to an empty apartment at night where you just watch TV or play on the internet until bedtime, no one is going to come look you up.


A good habit to get into is to plan to do fun stuff on the weekends - concerts, go out to the bars, rollarblade in the park, whatever it is you like to do. Then a day or so ahead of time, call around and see if anyone is interested in doing it with you. Eventually, you build up a network of people who keep you in mind for when they want to do stuff.

[gonzomax]

Live to be 95. You bury all your friends,wives and pets.

[Ea_calendula]

Originally Posted by msmith537

A good habit to get into is to plan to do fun stuff on the weekends - concerts, go out to the bars, rollarblade in the park, whatever it is you like to do. Then a day or so ahead of time, call around and see if anyone is interested in doing it with you. Eventually, you build up a network of people who keep you in mind for when they want to do stuff.

Good tip! Keeps the option open for the people you ask and at the same time, reminds them that you are there and would like to do stuff with them. Since I find it hard to 'read' people, I've aways been wary of being 'too much' and coming on too strong. This way I'd be less afraid that I do just that.

[Walloon]

Originally Posted by Neidhart

I've never felt comfortable around other males and have never been inclined to hang out with them.

Have you ever figured out why?

[msmith537]

I should add you still need to learn social skills. My GF has a friend who hosts this happy hour club. Unfortunately she berates anyone who actually shows up so now no one does.

[Israfel]

I'm very close with my family, my sister in particular, but otherwise I don't have friends. I get along with most everyone just fine--in forced interactions (school, work etc.) I have plenty of acquaintances. My 'problem' is not that I don't like people, but rather that I don't like going out. It's pretty darn hard to make and maintain friendships if you don't go out and do things together- Bar hop, see a movie, go shopping, go bowling, something. And none of that stuff appeals to me. Given the option, I almost always prefer to stay home.

[Wile E]

I don't really have any friends anymore. I had a group of people I used to hang out with and go places with but I started working a different schedule so I was never available when the group got together. Also my boyfriend and I broke up about this same time and he was originally in the group, although I was more active. Since his new girlfriend was insinuating herself into the group I really didn't want to hang out with them anymore anyway. Since then they broke up and the ex and I got back together and now his ex has custody or our old friends.

I have work acquaintances but I don't hang out with them. I have online friends that I talk to on occasion. But my boyfriend is pretty much my only friend right now, he says the same about me.