In transition and I'm ecstatic and scared and anxious
Tomorrow I will start my life over. I am leaving the state I've lived in my whole life. I'm leaving my friends, my mother, and my new boyfriend. I have already left my job. I have no savings, no insurance, and no job lined up.
The only thing I have is a grandfather who wants me to live with him free of charge so I can save some money and get back on my feet, and a sister who has been telling her boss about me for over a month now, trying to get me a job.
I left foster care when I was 18, and moved in with my sister and her then-husband. After that, I moved in with a coworker, and then with my now ex boyfriend. I have never had my own place. I have never lived alone. I have never had to fend for myself. Some very bad decisions left me in debt (which I paid off) and then some medical problems left me in debt again (which my grandfather loaned me the money to pay off). I have virtually no belongings. My effects amount to my clothes, my books, a rocking chair, a bookshelf, a computer, two end tables, some knicknacks, a cell phone and a bunny. I have $500 to my name (once I get my last paycheck on Friday).
My boyfriend of 8 years and I broke up two months ago (and also last June but we tried one more time). We are still friends, which is good since I'm still living with him. I have been sleeping on the couch for almost two months.
So, when my ex and I broke up, he recommended that I move near my grandfather. I love my grandfather and he loves me. We have wonderful conversations about religion, civil rights, family, politics (more of a lecture than a conversation), science, technology, and personal problems. My ex knew I would be happy with my grandfather. My oldest sister lives in the same town and we are very close. When I told my grandfather that I was thinking of moving up there, he was very happy and told me to move in with him until I got some money saved up. My sister was very happy and told me she could get me a job in the factory she works for. I actually have experience with the type of work she does so I knew it would be pretty easy to get in (thy are hiring right now).
I went up for a short visit to hash out all the details. When I came back, I gave my notice (a month) at my job and told my friends I was leaving.
Then came the hard part. I found out that one of my friends/coworkers was interested in me. I have been interested in him for close to a year now but it never occured to me that he felt the same way. After my ex and I broke up, I had considered telling my friend but then he got promoted and we wouldn't have been able to date anyway. Since I didn't think he was interested, I kept my mouth shut.
Well, our mutual attraction came out after he found out I was leaving. We have been seeing each other for about 3 weeks now. Since I had already given my notice and was leaving, we were pretty confident that if management got pissed at us, they'd just tell me to leave early and not fire him. Besides, I worked when the store was open and he worked when the store was closed. It's not like our relationship caused any problems.
I also found out how much my friends care about me and how much my leaving is hurting them. I have spent so much of the last 5 years fighting with my "best friend" and I got kind of sick of the whole friend thing. Then, I realized that my coworkers are the best friends I have ever had in my life. They love me and care about me but I've been too depressed and down on myself to realize it.
So I found myself with a very difficult decision to make.
The benefits: I get to stay near my new boyfriend and see where the relationship goes. I also get to stay near my wonderful friends.
The non-benefits: I have no money. My replacement was already hired so I have no job. I have no home because I can't keep living with my ex boyfriend. I can't find a place to live with no money and I can't guarantee that I'd be able to find a new job. Even if I can find a new place to live, I don't know if they'll allow the bunny, and I still don't have any furnishings.
Move to New York
The benefits: I have a place to live, rent free. I can stay with grandpa for a few months while I save money and then move out on my own for the first time in my life. I can work with my sister and spend time hanging out with her. She will be my only friend up there but she doesn't have any good friends up there and my presence will make her happy.
The non-benefits: I could very well ruin the relationship I've wanted for over a year. I don't know if a long distance relationship can work. I'll rarely get to see my friends.
After thinking about it long and hard, I realized that my grandfather and sister are giving me the opportunity to turn my life around. I can't pass this up. I know that my boyfriend and I will still be friends even if the long distance thing doesn't work. I know my friends will still love me and care about me and they'll look forward to my visits. I know they'll visit me.
But I can't shake the nagging feeling that I'm making a huge mistake. I know that this is mostly due to the fact that I've screwed up everything else in my life. I have no confidence in my ability to make the right decisions any more. I don't even know if I'm capable of fending for myself. I'm kinda worried that I'll fall into the same codependancy trap which always gets me. I'm scared that I'll rely too much on my grandfather and he'll be so happy to have me there that he'll allow me to rely too much on him.
Then today, I realized that I have another choice. I don't have to stay up there. I can go up there for the summer, work as a temp so I don't screw over any employers by leaving after a few months. I can save almost every penny I earn. Since my boyfriend and friends wont be around to distract me, I can work as many hours as possible. Even if I only bring home $200 per week after taxes, 4 months in New York will result in at least $3000 in savings - more than enough to start over back in Massachusetts. Since I haven't made that little since I was 16, I'm pretty confident that I can bring home more and save possibly twice that much. Then in September, I can move back here. I can get my own apartment with my own furnishings. I can be near my friends and try to work on my relationship.
The whole point to the move is to turn my life around and to get back on my feet. It doesn't mean I have to stay there. I just have to stay long enough to learn to be self-sufficient.
I can do this. I am 27 years old. I am smart. I am a hard worker. I am motivated (usually). I have a lot of experience.
I will not fall on my face again. I am making the right decision.