If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

[Rickhavoc]

Legolas and Boromir Are Dead

B: Is that you?
L: Here?
B: Where else?
L: What’s the matter with you?

L: We’ve been following him around since Elrond, and what have we learned? He has the One Ring of Power, thrust upon him by family and friends, along with the rest of us called upon to put his life before ours, including a wizard to deal with the occasional Balrog. An opportunity to get out of Hobbiton, see a bit of the Middle World, and the ability to become invisible when necessary, and how is he? Depressed.
B: When the wind is southerly.

[Avalonian]

Originally posted by gex gex
This is a call for: Livejournal parodies.

I'm afraid someone already beat us to the LiveJournal version: The Secret Diaires

I don't think that can be topped.

Still not King. Heh.

[CyanideBreathmint]

Originally posted by Avalonian
I'm afraid someone already beat us to the LiveJournal version: The Secret Diaires

I don't think that can be topped.

Still not King. Heh.

There's a new Secret Diary out- it's Aragorn's Diary, part 2.

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread....e&itemid=21484

-Mel

[lastin]

If LotR had been written by Kipling:

You may talk o' ale and lembas
And the nine Fellowship members
When you're sittin' in the Prancing Pony's wing
But if it comes to questin'
The story that goes best in
Is of Nine-fingered Frodo and the Ring!

For it's Ring! Ring! Ring!
He's packed his bags and buckled on his Sting
He's gone to Orodruin
And cast the Ring to ruin
Thus helping in the Return of the King.

Now in the sweet Shire land
In his hole beneath the sand
A wizard came to pay Frodo a call
He said, "Beware of Sauron
And his One Ring that you've got on,
If he gets it, then all Middle-Earth will fall."
Frodo said, "I'm just a hobbit!
Why pick on me to lob it
Into the Cracks of Doom 'way down in Mordor?
The Nazgul'll be pursuin'
As that Gollum will be doin'
Before I can even sneak across the border!"

Said Gandalf, "Ring! Ring! Ring!
You must go forth and get rid of this thing!"
Frodo said, "Oh, what the Hell?"
And set off for Rivendell
With Sam, Merry, and Pippin in his string.

Hmmm...what rhymes with "Precious"? Anybody care to take it from here?

lastin

[whtknt]

Once upon a time, in a hole in the ground, on the other side of the Hundred-Acre Mirkwood, there lived a hobbit of very little brain.

And so it was that Christopher Gandalf came to Frodo's door and lightly dinged the brass bell with his staff.

"Bother," said Frodo, whose hands were covered in sticky honey. "Come in," he called to the door.

Christopher Gandalf did as he was bidden and when he saw the sight that was Frodo, his arms and face covered in sticky, gooey, honey, he could hardly hold back a laugh. "Oh, Frodo, you silly old hobbit."

The Lord of the Rings
by A. A. Milne

[Rickhavoc]

Confessions of a Hooker: My Lifelong Love Affair With Golf
by Meriadoc (Merry) Brandybuck (not Bob Hope at all)

...so we found ourselves, with the light fading, at Weathertop, one honey of a course, but a tough one for a guy who favors his driver. The Ranger was all in and went for a snooze, so the four of us decided to go Best Ball while we could still see, when suddenly....

[AirBear]

It was quite a battle. The balrog was big, and it was nasty. It reminded me of Dad's old friend Sigmund, who used to tell me that if I didn't deal with my family issues, some big nasty monster would come up and bite me on the ass. Which it was presently doing.


On this particular shadow, they call me Gandalf, or sometimes Mithrandir, or sometimes Olorin. Which is close enough to the truth, anyway. This isn't my favorite place to be, it's no club med, but Random needed help, something about a ring that one of my uncles made. Once again, I should have paid attention to all those things that Dworkin used to talk about.

So now I'm here, falling and slashing at a fire monster. I've caught up with Greyswandir, which has another name on this shadow. Why Dad's sword happened to appear in this shadow, I'm not sure. It's been a long time since he's made a showing...I can only wonder if he's going to appear, sometime soon. The sword has a habit of glowing when the minions of chaos are around. I suppose that if I wanted to make it glow, I could change into Chaos form myself, but somehow it would lessen the dramatic tension.

I keep falling, and wondering just how far this shaft goes. The endless drop is giving me time to ponder about about the other Sorcerers who happen to be in this shadow.

Saruman, I trust you like a brother, which is to say, not at all. You'd fit right in with the Amberites, right down to locking your friends and associates in towers. You need to work on controlling that crystal ball of yours...someone fromDad's family has been leaving trinkets behind. Must have been Brand. He's the kind of guy that would dig this shadow.


Radagast, your too good for all these people. Glad you got away....

Alatar and Pallando, I don't know you but good luck anyway...

With a clang, Greyswandir scores on the monster, but it doesn't appear to be phased, although it does appear to have a skin condition that would make dollar signs flash in the eyes of a Mary Kay cosmetician. I think Fido here needs more than a little moisturizer.


Right about now, I'm wishing I had some trumps. I could sure use a back door right about now, and Fido is trying to gouge my eyes out, only his hands are way too big, so it's more like he's trying to squeeze my head in one of those toy soldier nutcrackers they like so much in Europe on that shadow Earth we spend so much time on.
I try to work shadow as I fall.

visions of sugar plum faries dance through my head....

a glint of silver beyond that crag coming up...

a cave beyond that band of minerals...

My head hurt, and to no avail. Someone wants me to stay here, some one with great power, and the question is, who.

The other question still banging around my head is, who sent the Fire Demon. I'm guessing it must be someone from Mom's side. I'm guessing the same person, but I could be wrong.

The demon disengages as we fall....

There's a big pool of water coming up...crap. Just what I need, roasted like a pig by someone's - I shall call him X - by X'shormonally challenged thug, and now I'm going to be drowned, if I survive the impact. Hitting water at terminal velocity is pretty much the same thing as hitting concrete. I use the Logrus now to try and pull something useful out of the air. I call for a parachute, and get a large patchwork of skins, about parachute size. It'll have to do.

I slow down enough to enter the water at a speed that won't reduce my to hamburger. Only it's not really water, because I seem to be able to breathe, and there's a stairway, going down. It goes up too, but given that X's lapdog is trying to keep my from going down any further, my curiosity is getting the better of me. I continue on down, Fido in hot pursuit.

We reach a chamber, and strangely Fido rushes past me into the chamber. He is standing between me and what appears to be the Pattern of Amber...Only not the pattern of Amber. It's incomplete, it has holes. Greyswandir drags me closer to the starting point, as if of its own accord, and now I notice that Fido is desperately trying to stop me from going anywhere near the broken pattern.

It's now that I realize that Fido and I are not alone. In the center of the pattern, prostrate on her back as if asleep, lies Galadriel.

And would you guess what the Pattern wants me to do?

[lastin]

Here's another one:

If LotR had been written by Samuel Beckett

A Shire road.

A tree.

Evening.

MERIADOC: Charming spot. Inspiring prospects. (He turns to Peregrin.) Let's go.

PEREGRIN: We can't.

MERIADOC: Why not?

PEREGRIN: We're waiting for Frodo.

MERIADOC: (despairingly). Ah! (Pause.) You're sure it was here?

PEREGRIN: What?

MERIADOC: That we were to wait.

PEREGRIN: He said by the tree. (They look at the tree.) Do you see any others?

MERIADOC: What is it?

PEREGRIN: I don't know. Old Man Willow?

MERIADOC: Where are the leaves?

PEREGRIN: It must be dead.

MERIADOC: No more weeping.

PEREGRIN: Or perhaps it's not the season.

MERIADOC: Looks to me more like an Ent.

PEREGRIN: A Huorn.

MERIADOC: An Ent.

PEREGRIN: A-. What are you insinuating? That we've come to the wrong place?

MERIADOC: He should be here.

PEREGRIN: He didn't say for sure he'd come.

MERIADOC: And if he doesn't come?

PEREGRIN: We'll come back tomorrow.

MERIADOC: And then the day after tomorrow.

PEREGRIN: Possibly.

MERIADOC: And so on.

[ragsdale]

Originally posted by Serai
Ragsdale, loved your e.e.cummings! One thing though: e.e. never uses capital letters. You might want to change that.

well, he did sometimes. The particular copy of "all in green went my love riding" I was working with had those letters capitalized..... but it may have been a warped copy?

[Epigramcracker]

Originally posted by Rickhavoc
Legolas and Boromir Are Dead

B: Is that you?
L: Here?
B: Where else?
L: What’s the matter with you?

L: We’ve been following him around since Elrond, and what have we learned? He has the One Ring of Power, thrust upon him by family and friends, along with the rest of us called upon to put his life before ours, including a wizard to deal with the occasional Balrog. An opportunity to get out of Hobbiton, see a bit of the Middle World, and the ability to become invisible when necessary, and how is he? Depressed.
B: When the wind is southerly.

lol! oh wow, you're my HERO. r+g are dead is the most rockin play ever. awesome job! "when the wind is southerly." XD!!!

[Epigramcracker]

Originally posted by Limmenel
I don't think anyone has done this yet, but I saw a suggestion for it.

Shakespeare's Hamlet:

To destroy, or not to destroy: that is the question:
...

Arg... I tried. I don't think I even did it justice though. Someone please re-do this and do a better job at it.

~Aya~
http://www.livejournal.com/users/limmenel
http://envisioning.cjb.net

Hi! I did a Hamlet version--it's on page 6 if you want to read it! i loved yours though XD! mine's rather different though--Piplet, Price of Tookmark if you will. (;
-epigramcracker

[Ghostwind]

*With apologies to the late Freddy Mecury and Queen. Here is the first half. I'm too tired to finish the rest today. I'll see if I can get it posted tomorrow unless someone wants to finish it...
------------

Is this the One Ring?
Is this just fantasy?
Just formed a Fellowship
No escape from prophecy
Open your eyes
Look up in the skies and see
I’m just a dwarf, don’t need any sympathy
There’s Legolas with his bow
Aragorn brooding more
Anywhere the Ring goes, the Nazgul will be searching, for me

Frodo, just killed an orc
Put a dagger against his head
One thrust and now he’s dead
Frodo, you are the One
But the Ring is such heavy weight
Frodo, ooo
You very nearly died
That cave troll gave us cause for sorrow
Moria, Moria, we really shouldn’t be here

Too late, balrog has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Gandalf’s shouting out a rhyme
Goodbye everybody – I’ve got to go
Gotta leave you all behind, so save the world
Frodo, ooo – (anywhere the Ring goes)
I just want to cry
I sometimes wish Bilbo had never fallen at all

[Limmenel]

Originally posted by Epigramcracker
Hi! I did a Hamlet version--it's on page 6 if you want to read it! i loved yours though XD! mine's rather different though--Piplet, Price of Tookmark if you will. (;
-epigramcracker

Oh, hey! Wow, I'm totally sorry. Missed that one. Your's is great, To Eat or Not To Eat...

*laughs*

Sorry for copying your idea, though!

By the way, to those who were talking about the secret diaries, if you want to know more about them, you can check out the author's (Cassandra Claire) LiveJournal. She posts all of her new VSDs on this site. http://www.livejournal.com/users/cassieclaire/

~Aya~
http://www.livejournal.com/users/limmenel
http://envisioning.cjb.net

[Hunter Green]

While I liked that earlier e.e. cummings version, it wasn't the type of e.e. cummings poem I wanted to see -- maybe just a matter of different periods in his work. This one bubbled around in my brain until I let it write itself down.

precious) downward
my) the heat rises
O) the mountain rises

like a mouth the earth
swallows
greedily

a finger without its hand
a body without its soul
an evil without its power

bright sun on us both)
remembering(
bobbing forth and back)
my birthday(
he was greedy like the earth)
one life begins(
one life ends)
river like a mouth, cold, hot
ring like a mouth, devouring
consumed i must consume

(Sméagol?)

the ring (O
and the body (my
are consumed (precious

[Jyrsa]

"It's 200 miles to Mount Doom, we've got a full pack of lembas, no pipe-weed, it's dark and we're wearing elf-cloaks."

[dharma traveller]

By the author of CASEY AT THE BAT:

It looked extremely rocky for the Moria nine that day;
The orcs were hot upon their trail, a chasm barred the way.
Though Aragorn had drawn his sword and Frodo pulled out Sting,
Still a pallor wreathed the features of the bearers of the Ring.

Upon the stricken Company a deathlike silence fell;
The Balrog burst across the flames like something sent from Hell.
A fiery mane streamed backward from his bony eyebrow ridge -
But Gandalf, mighty Gandalf, was advancing to the bridge!

The Men ran back to lend support, the Hobbits raised a cheer,
And Legolas and Gimli felt a lightening of their fear.
To all, the Balrog seemed but just a pesky little midge -
They'd put up even money now, with Gandalf at the bridge!

And now the wizard lifts his staff, and now he lets it go,
And now the bridge is shattered by the force of Gandalf's blow.
The Balrog fell adown the deep, with fiery whistling breeze,
But as he fell, his curling whip caught Gandalf by the knees.

Oh, somewhere else in Middle-earth the sun is shining bright,
And somewhere elves are plinking harps, and somewhere hearts are light.
And somewhere dwarves are singing songs, and hobbit-children shout -
But there is no joy in Moria; mighty Gandalf has struck out.

[girlonthewing]

In my younger and more vulnerable years my uncle’s friend Gandalf gave me a ring that I’ve been turning over in my hand ever since.
“Whenever you feel like giving up,” He told me, “Just remember that all the people in this world aren’t as able to resist its power as you are.”

(Pages of observation and acquiantance-making. Proceed to very obvious references to T.S. Eliott’s poetry.)

About halfway between The Shire and Mordor, the road hastily joins a another, so as to shrink away from a certain desolate area of land. This is a valley of marshes.
But above the gray land and spasms of murky water, you perceive, after a moment, the eye of a Dark Lord Sauron. The eye of Sauron is red and gigantic. It looks out of no face, but, instead, a huge tower. Evidently put there to scare the crap out of me everytime I stick that ring on my finger.

(Again, later.)

“We feel far away from Precious,” Gollumsby said. He wanted nothing less of the Ring that it jump from the chain around my neck and return to him. After it had, he could obliterate years of lisping melodramatically in his cave. “It doesn’t understand. It used to be able to understand. We’d sit for hours—”
He broke off, stumbling around the weedy growth of the marshes.
“We’s going to fix everything just the way it was before,” he said, nodding determinedly. “It’ll see.”
He talked a lot about the past, and I gathered that he wanted to recover something, some idea of himself, something that he had lost along with the Ring.

[raygirvan]

Samuel R Delany

The door to Bag End deliquesced, and the derelict lurched into the hall.

He was an old man. He was a strong man. Must be Gandalf, Frodo thought. Dresses like Gandalf, grey robed, a rope holding up his torn grey pants. And his eyes. (Orcs' eyes?).

"You , boy. Are you Frodo Baggins?"

Frodo fingered the dirt between his hairy toes. Wanting to say "no" he began a "yes".

The codger flapped out a hand (a sack of magic-ruined knuckles) and caught a chair. "We were moving out, boy, the lights of Minas Tirith like a puddle of molten mithril on our left, the black of Mordor on our right. We'd turned off the palantir so we were flying blind. Then, centred on the dark, an Eye! It reached out, brighter than the elven-glass of Galadriel, grabbed our attention so we couldn't look away."

Frodo got the words ready in his mouth, excuse me, huh? I gotta go.

Gandalf coughed, spat red. "The Eye was Sauron's. He took us this close" - his thumb brushed his forefinger (nail bitten to the quick) - "this close" - to Mount Doom. You can damn him, and damn the One Ring for that, boy, whoever you are!"

[Lando Lakes]

From the King James Version of the Lord of the Rings

v. 14. Verily, verily I say onto you, he that doth bear this ring in his own name has no part of me, and shall be cast off from the house of the Elven Lord, and there shall be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
15. But he that doth bear this ring for the sake of others, even unto his own despair, unto he shall be given great esteem, and shall not be subject unto my everlasting vexation, but shall dwell in the halls of Valinor forever.
16. And Gandalf said onto them, Fear not, for behold, I bring you glad tidings, which shall be to all Elves.
17. For unto us is come this day, in the Refuge of Imladris, a savior, which is Frodo Baggins.
18. And this shall be a sign unto you, ye shall find the hobbit with three brethen, led through the wilderness of one Aragorn son of Arathorn, lying in a bier.
19. And all the Elves hearkened unto his voice and were pleased. And unto Glorfindal was given great burdens, to forsake the comforts of Imladris, which in translation is Rivendell, and to seek the hobbits in the wilderness.
20. And behold, Meriadoc, son of Seradoc, and Peregrin, son of Paladin, and Samwise (which is he who would be called Gardener) son of Hamfast, went forth, bereft of hope and joy, to seek some happy gospel as bequethed them by Aragorn (he who would be King of both Arnor and Gondor, and ruler of the same) known as kingsfoil, which in the Elvish tongue was athelas.
21. (For Aragorn, son of Arathorn, was wise in the craft of the wilderness dwellers, and lore of the ancient Numernoreans). Amen.

[Epigramcracker]

William Carlos Williams anyone?


This Is Just To Say

I have taken
the ring
that was on
your chain

and which
you were probably
trying
to destroy.

Forgive me
it was my precious
so bright
and so gold.

-Love Gollum

[Epigramcracker]

okay--giving credit where credit is due--this one comes from my rockin sister!! it's pretty darn brilliant if i do say so myself. and... pretty darn BRITNEY! haha. yeah, so get ready for
Gollum's serenade to his precious:

Slave 4 U
All you hobbits look at me like I’m a little freak.
Well did you ever think that it’s the ring that’s makin’ me so weak?

Always saying little freak don’t try and run and hide.
Well I’m just tryin’ to free myself from the villain deep inside
Get it get it, get it get it (NOOO!)
Get it get it, get it get it (NOOOO!)(Do you want it?)
Get it get it, get it get it (NOOOOO!)(You know want it!)

I know I may come off tricksy, I may come off sly.
But I feel like singing, feel like dancing when the ring catches my eye.

What I want’s what I can’t have. What the hell, who cares?
All I know is I’m so happy when I see it shining there.

I’m a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it.
I’m a slave for you. I won’t deny it; I’m only trying to hide it.

Precious, don’t you wanna, come back to me,
To another time and place.
Precious, don’t you wanna, come back to me
Leaving behind my name, my face.
(Lets go!)

(Like that)
(You like it)
(Now come to me!)

Get it get it, get it get it (NOOO!)
Get it get it, get it get it (NOOOO!)
Get it get it, get it get it (NOOOOO!)
[Panting]

I really wanna own you for myself,
(Wanna see you on me)
I really wanna do what you want me to.
(Uh Uh Uh)

Precious, don’t you wanna, come back to me,
To another time and place.
Precious, don’t you wanna, come back to me
Leaving behind my name, my face.
(Lets go!)

I’m a slave for you. (Take it!) I cannot hold it; I cannot control it.
I’m a slave (It just feels right) for you. (It just feels good)
I won’t deny it; I’m not trying to hide it. (Precious!)

Get it get it, get it get it (NOO!)
Get it get it, get it get it (NOOO!)
Get it get it, get it get it (NOOOO!)
[Panting]

I’m a slave for you. (Here we go now)
I cannot hold it; I cannot control it.
I’m a slave for you. (Here we go) I won’t deny it, (Yessssss!)
I’m not trying to hide it.

(Want that!)

[Nightime]

The Unfortunate Hobbits by Edward Gorey

Atop the hill from old Bag End,
Wandered a hobbit and his friend;
They've left with a ring,
They've gone with a sting,
A fellowship they must attend.

On Weathertop Frodo's remark,
'I wish that I did not embark',
Was met with alarm,
Which led to his harm,
He was pierced by a knife in the dark.

We decided to greet Durin's Bane,
But the Balrog failed to entertain;
He implored us to sit
By the edge of a pit;
Our guide fell and came not back again.

The world fell into a decline,
For the past all the creatures did pine;
In the fog of the gloom
We trudged to Mount Doom,
Our foes could do nothing but whine.

In the fire the ring burned and broke,
And we saw that our quest was a joke;
Our race is now ending,
So why keep pretending?
Our laughs echoed up through the smoke.

[Arden Ranger]

And would you guess what the Pattern wants me to do?

Thank you, AirBear!

Epigramcracker, tell your sister that one is hysterical.

[Weird_AL_Einstein]

Originally posted by dharma traveller
By the author of CASEY AT THE BAT:

That was damned good. Have I mentioned I love this thread? Anyway, I want to submit one more request. It is a fantastically difficult one, of course, so if no one is up to the challenge, I understand: LotR as a Chick Tract.


Also, of interest to visitors from theonering.net/SDMB newbies who also happen to be Simpsons fans: You might want to check out my thread, A Shadow Has Fallen On Middle Springfield-Who should be who in The Simpsons do LotR?

[girlonthewing]

Epigramcracker, the William Carlos Williams one was absolutely brilliant. Kudos.

[mocroidh]

Sonnets from the Elvish, by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

43

An Ode to a Ring

How do I loves theeeeee....? Letssss Gollum count the wayssss...
I loves theeee to the deeps and breadths and heights
Gollum's soul can reach, when feeeeeling out of sight
For the endsss of Beeeeings and ideal Grace.
I loves theeeee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by nasssty Sun and candle lightsss.
I loves theeee freely, as men strive for Right;
I loves theeee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I loves theeee with the passion put to use
In my old griefsss, and with my childhood's faith.
I loves theeee with a love I seeeeemed to loooose
With my lost saintsss - I loves theeeee with the breathsss,
Smilesss, tearsss, of all Gollum's life! - and, if Master chooses,
I shall but loves theeee better after death...my precioussss...

[cerberus uberunderdog]

Apocalypse Vow

– A Francis Ford Coppola adaptation of Lord of Darkness, by Joseph Conrad

Weathertop, I was still at Weathertop. It’s been weeks now, on the mission, and every minute Sauron gets stronger and The Ring feels heavier. I wish every day this ring had never come to me. I was going to the worst place in Middle Earth, and I didn’t even know it yet, up the River Anduin and through the wretched swamps directly into Sauron’s lair. It was by no accident that I got to be the caretaker of Sauron’s manifestation. There is no way to tell its story without telling my own.

My mission was to proceed up the River Anduin, pick up Sauron’s trail in Mordor, follow it, and find Mount Doom, The Ring’s birthplace, infiltrate it, and terminate the Ring’s power, with extreme prejudice.

[much later … ]

The more I got to know the Ring, the more I admired it. I was at the far reaches of Middle Earth. It was devoid of life, a place of decay and melancholy, as if all living things had forsaken it. He is dead, thought I about Sauron as I toyed with the ring--wondering whether I had been striving against someone completely without substance, or whether his substance truly did manifest itself in The Ring. Sauron discoursed, a subliminal voice, “We must appear in the nature of supernatural beings—with the might of a deity—we can exert all of our will and all of our power upon them for might, and great things unbounded.” The eloquence covered the malice of his dark dark ring. The wastes of my weary brain were haunted by wraith-ish images, obsessively revolving around this ring of noble expression. A burning eye … he was very little more than a burning eye glaring out from an impenetrable darkness. I began seeing very clearly what needed to be done … but had difficulty thinking clearly enough to be able to do it. I am beyond caring. The Horror.

[cromulent]

This thread is great!

My apologies if this has been done already...

Whose swamp this is, I think I know
He lives up in that tower though
I hope he doesn’t see me here
To watch his marshes all aglow.

My Sam and I have much to fear
Especially with Gollum here
He wants my pretty ring to take
But promises to lead us near.

“A bad plan, Frodo, and no mistake”
Says Sam, “it’s not the path I’d take.
All Gollum does is whine and weep
And I don’t trust the little fake.”

This swamp is smelly, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

[Epigramcracker]

Originally posted by girlonthewing
Epigramcracker, the William Carlos Williams one was absolutely brilliant. Kudos.

aww thanks!!
(and thanks Arden Ranger--my sister and i bow. XD)

oh my god. i love this smiley: :wally :wally :wally

[QueenMab]

"You know there isn't going to be any war," said Arwen, bored. "It's all just talk. Why, Glorfindel told Pa just last week that our commissioners in Minas Morgul would come to---to---an----amicable agreement with Mr. Sauron about the West. And, anyway, the Nazgul are too scared of us to fight. There won't be any war, and I'm tired of hearing about it."

"Not going to be any war!" cried the two Elves indignantly, as though they had been defrauded.

"Why, honey, of course there's going to be a war," said Legolas. "The Nazgul may be scared of us, but after Aragorn gave them a whipping day before yesterday up on Weathertop, they'll have to fight or stand branded as cowards before the whole world. Why, the Council----"

Arwen made a mouth of bored impatience.

"If you say 'war' just once more, I'll go in the house and shut the door. I've never gotten so tired of any one word in my life as 'war', unless it's 'Ring.' Pa talks war morning, noon, and night, and all the gentlemen who come to see him shout about the One Ring and the spreading darkness and Sauron till I get so bored I could just scream! And that's all the boys talk about too, that and their old Fellowship. There hasn't been any fun at any party this spring because the boys can't talk about anything else. If you say 'war' again I'll go in the house."
--<i>Gone With the Ring</i> by Margaret Mitchell

[Epigramcracker]

YES! I'M JUST IN TIME!!
Okay, guys, here we go. Seasonal and everything. I give you:

The Night Before Christmas, LOTR Style

’Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Shire
Not a hobbit was stirring, save one, near a fire.
A tension he felt growing strong in the air,
And suddenly Gandalf was standing right there!

The wizard looked scared, like he’d just seen a wraith,
But he said, “Is it secret?” and then “Is it safe??”
And Frodo, attending with much less than glee,
Pulled out Bilbo’s ring for the wizard to see.

Gandalf ran to the fire, his purpose pursuing;
As he threw in the ring Frodo cried, “What you doing?”
But Gandalf ignored him, for he was no fool;
He pulled it right out and said, “Here, it’s quite cool!”

Outside on the lawn Sam was trimming the verge,
But to eavesdrop on Gandalf he soon felt the urge,
But what to his listening ears did unfurl,
But a plan laid by Sauron to take over the world!

Inside the old Wizard explained to young Frodo
That the terrible ring was a definite no go.
Some words had formed on it in quite a short time,
And Gandalf to Frodo repeated this rhyme:

“Now One Ring! To rule them!
Now One Ring! To find them!
Now One Ring! To bring them!
And in darkness bind them!
In the dark land of Mordor
Where the black shadows lie,
It is there you must go!
It is there you must fly!”

Frodo looked on in horror—was not the ring safe?
They could hide it right here with none knowing its place!
But Gandalf said old Gollum’s tongue had been waggin’—
He’d said only two words; they were “Shire” and “Baggins!”

Little Frodo did know as he stood there in pain,
There were Nazgul abroad cutting hobbits in twain!
He tried his Plan B: Gandalf should take the ring!
But the wizard refused the abominable thing.

So our hero had only one thing left to do.
He must “Leave, and leave quickly” ere Black Riders got through!
A bundle of food he flung onto his back,
And the ring, to keep safe, in his pocket he packed.

His eyes—how they blinked! He was nervous for sure.
The quest would be deadly, and the ring’s taint, impure.
All at once his heart jumped as a clunk came outside—
Gandalf pulled in old Sam, saying “I’ll tan your hide!”
Samwise stammered and stuttered and made comic quips,
But the wizard looked wary and pursed his old lips.
So for spying, young Gamgee got a fate worse than death—
He must ditch his dear garden and come on the quest!

Though quite chubby and plump, with a love for things Elf,
Samwise gulped with suspicion in spite of himself.
And as Gandalf rode off, he looked straight on ahead,
With a look that said, “Yeah. Well, I’d rather be dead.”

He and Frodo spoke not but went straight to their work,
Bringing Merry and Pippin along as a perk.
But a wraith found their trail, and, unable to tarry,
They took off like a shot for old Buckleberry Ferry!

They ran and they ran, leaving Frodo for last,
And he flew off the dock for the ferry right fast,
And I heard him exclaim as they rowed out of sight,

“Some Christmas this is! Gandalf’s presents sure bite!”

[carlotta]

Epigramcracker that was great!

Also from page 6, Fealuinix, I loved loved the Hitchhikers guide version!

[Sanageorn]

I hope no one's done Steinbeck...

The Ring of Wrath
The earth was cracked and dry. The sort of dry that only appears in tilled earth at the end of a harsh summer. A turtle slowly began its climb out of the ditch to reach the packed-earth road. The turtle hesitated at the brink of the road. Uncertain as to whether the time was ripe to cross. Hearing a thundering in the distance it decided that this was it’s last chance. It slowly began it’s long trek across the dusty cracked earth, the hot sun beating upon its hard shell. The thunder got closer. Halfway across the road the turtle retreated into its shell. Horses clattered overhead. The hooves of the Ring Wraiths mounts unsettled the dust. The red dust. The dry choking dust. And then they were gone. Leaving only the dust. The turtle waited to ensure safety before slowly emerging from the shell. Eventually it began to move once more, continuing its toilsome journey through the dust and over the cracked earth. The light patter of hobbit steps forced it into its shell once more. The heavier set of the two leaned down and picked up the turtle. It would make a good gift for Rosie.

[cerberus uberunderdog]

IRON CHEF – LEMBAS BATTLE

"If memory serves me correct, today’s challenger, the wraith who appeased Sauron’s palate first trained in the trades of Angmar. He later gained more experience in the fiery kitchens of Orthanc. At the age of several thousand, he opened his own restaurant at Minas Morgul. He specializes in the melding of exotic cuisine with spells and is considered one of Orthanc’s finest Mordor-ese chefs."

Commentator Glorfindel, “Who imagined there was of Chef of Mordor cuisine … this man’s food … someone to closely watch … let’s bring him on … the Witchking of Angmar.”

Commentator Glorfindel, “I hear you handle yourself quite well in the kitchen.” Wraith replies, “[bloodcurdling screech]”

Okay, let’s bring on Chairman Elrond.

Elrond, “Welcome to my kitchen stadium. And now … the pride of my gourmet academy … 3 iron chefs … I summon Iron Chefs!”

Iron Chef Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire
Iron Chef Elvish, Haldir, of Lorien
Iron Chef Dwarvish, Gimli

Witchking chooses, “Shire … Baggins.”

Commentator Glorfindel, “Born in Hobbiton, Iron Chef Bilbo Baggins trained in the epicurean kitchens of Bag End before moving to Rivendell at the age of eleventy-one. He is known for his long-awaited parties of Hobbit cuisine. It is said no one leaves hungry.”

Now chairman Elrond unveils the main ingredient … Lembas!

“Allez cuisine!”

Commentator Glorfindel, “Of this luxurious ingredient, it is said one bite can fill a grown man’s stomach.”

“It appears Bilbo is first up to the stand, and he appears to be sampling the theme ingredient already. This lembas is a special treat … what dishes first come to mind?”

Taster Arwen, “Lembas goes well with everything, it has such a sweet flavor … I would like to see it in a soup or something.”

“Fukui-san … the Hobbit says he will take this into consideration and plans to mix it with a nice healthy elven wine.”

Arwen, “[giggles]”

“And what about you, Aragorn?”

“Something good for the road.”

Commentator Glorfindel, “It will be interesting to watch the Witchking, because lembas is not traditionally used in Mordor-ese cooking.”

“One minute to go”
“Time is done, the lembas battle is over!”

Challenger Witchking is offering 2 dishes:
- Filet of Fell Beast topped with a Lembas-crumb crust
- Scorched Malice Cake Flambe – in the shape of Orthanc, with a ring of fire around it

Iron Chef Hobbit is offering 5 dishes:
- Ranger Ploughman’s lunch w/ Dichon Radish
- Elven-Wine-Onion soup served in a lembas breadbowl, perfectly complimenting each other
- Lembas Pitas, filled with Pork and Benito Shavings, accentuated by Hobbit-pipe infused smoke
- Lembas Stuffing, with mushrooms, truffle oil, and nice crispy bacon
- Lembas Bread Pudding, a simple way to end the meal

Panel of tasters:
Wizard: Gandalf
She-elf: Arwen
Gardener: Sam Gamgee
Ranger: Aragorn

Who’s cuisine will reign supreme?

[Ghost of Ann Landers]

From the Muppets to the 15th century...

Le Morte D'Aragorn
by Sir Thomas Malory

It befell in the days of Denethor, when he was steward of all Gondor, that there was a mighty Power in Mordor that held war against him long time. And the Power was called the Dark Lord Sauron. And so by means Denethor sent for his Palantir, and he strove with the Dark Lord.

In the meanwhile came in a good old man, and an ancient, clothed all in white, and there was no one knew whence he came. And with him he brought a young Ranger, both on foot, without sword or shield, save a scabbard hanging by his side.

Then the old man said unto Denethor, 'Sir, I bring here a young Ranger, the which is of kings' lineage, and of the kindred of Elendil of Numenor, whereby the marvels of this city, and of strange realms, shall be fully accomplished.'

[Ghost of Ann Landers]

"Dammit Aragorn, I'm a dwarf, not a marathon runner."

"That much is obvious, Gimli, or the Captain and I would not have been waiting here for you to arrive."

"Why, you blond-haired, pointy-eared Elf --"

"That's enough, both of you. Somewhere -- out there -- is a band of Uruk-hai that's holding two of our friends, and I intend to find them. Gimli, you'll just have to run faster. Let's move."

"If dwarves were meant for running, we'd have been born with longer legs."

"For once, Gimli, your logic is impeccable."

[Ragdoll]

LORD OF THE RINGO

58. INTERIOR A PUB IN THE SHIRE

The canteen is about half full of hobbits busy eating and smoking pipes. At a table sits GANDALF and FRODO. FRODO is deeply engrossed in a book titled “There and Back Again” and GANDALF has a near empty cup of tea in front of him. The old man is bored and looks about him slyly. He then looks at Frodo who is innocently occupied, a malicious gleam comes into GANDALF's eye. He decides to have a go at FRODO and sits staring at him. FRODO gradually becomes aware of the stare and shifts uncomfortably then tries to continue reading his book.

GANDALF
(disgustedly to no one in Particular)
Will you ever look at him, sitting there with
his hobbit hooter scraping away at that book!

FRODO
Well ... what's the matter with that?

GANDALF
(taking the book from him)
Have you no natural resources of your own? Have
they even robbed you of that?

FRODO
(snatching back his book)
You can learn from books.

GANDALF
Can you now? Aah ... orcs heads! You learn
more by getting out there and living.

FRODO
Out where?

GANDALF
Out there! Middle Earth... but not our little Baggins
... oh no! When you're not running around with the
Tooks and the Brandybucks, you're tormenting your eyes with that rubbish!

FRODO
(defiantly)
Books are good!

GANDALF
(countering)
Adventuring’s better!

FRODO
Adventuring?

GANDALF
(marching up and down in place)
That's it, adventuring around the countryside... trailing your coat ... bowling along ... living!

FRODO
Well, I am living, aren't I?

GANDALF
You're living, are you? When was the last time
you gave a shield maiden a pink-edged daisy?
When did you last embarrass elf lass with your cool
appraising stare?

FRODO
Eh ... you're a bit old for that sort of chat,
aren't you?

GANDALF
At least I've a backlog of memories, but all
you've got is that book!

FRODO
Aaah ... stop picking on me... you're as bad as
the rest of them.

GANDALF
So you are a hobbit grown after all.

FRODO
What's that mean?

GANDALF
Do you think I haven't noticed ... do you think
I wasn't aware of the drift? Oh ... you poor
unfortunate scuff, they've driven you into
books by their cruel, unnatural treatment,
exploiting your good nature.

FRODO
(not too sure)
Oh ... I dunno.

GANDALF
(confidingly)
And that lot's never happier than when they're
jeering at you ... and where would they be
without the steady support of your stout little heart,
I'd like to know.

FRODO
Yeah ... that's right.

GANDALF
And what's it all come to in the end?

FRODO
(defensively)
Yeah ... what's in it for me?

GANDALF
A book!

FRODO
Yeah ... a bloomin' book!

He throws the book down.

GANDALF
When you could be out there betraying a rich
Gondorian widow or sipping elf wine in Lothlorien
before you're too old like me. A fine neat and
trim lad the class of you should be helping
himself to life's goodies before the sands run
out. Being an old wizard's a terrible
drag on a man and every second you waste is
bringing you nearer the Friday queue at the
Prancing Pony.

FRODO
Yeah ... funny really, 'cos I'd never thought
of it but being middle-aged and old takes up
most of your time, doesn't it?

GANDALF
(nodding)
You're only right.

FRODO
(nodding back)
I'm not wrong.

There is a pause, then FRODO rises and crosses to the door.

GANDALF
Where are you off to?

FRODO
I'm going adventuring before it's too late!

FRODO leaves and GANDALF laughs at what he has done, then realizes its full meaning and looks worried.

[Ragdoll]

Oops -- that above piece might only be understandable to A Hard Day's Night fans and it definitely pales in comparison to most of the others.

[Istari Inc]

The musical version

We’re off to see the wizard
The wizard of Isengard
He’s wise, he’s strong, yet sometimes wrong
And frankly a bit retard
He seeks the Ring, it’s quite his thing
And once he’ll have it, he will sing
Yes, sing, and sing, he’ll sing just like a lark
"This Ring on my finger will make me look smart!"
We’re off to see the wizard,
The wizard of Isengard!

We’re off to see the wizard
The wizard of Isengard
With orcs he hunts the hobbit grunts
He hold in such low regard
He hunts them high, he hunts them low
To Orthanc high he’ll have them towed
Yes, towed and towed, until they break apart
"I’ll catch you, you know, ’cause I’m terribly smart!"
We’re off to see the wizard, the wizard of Isengard

We’re off to see the wizard
The wizard of Orthanc dark
His palantir he holds quite dear
To wield it is quite an art
The Stone that can look both far and near
And in it the Ring, it does appear
So near, so near, it almost breaks his heart
"That Ring will be mine!" he does yell and does bark.
We’re off to see the wizard
The wizard of Orthanc dark.

We’re off to see the wizard,
The wizard of Angrenost
Try as he might, it’s quite a plight
To lay his hand on what’’s lost
And men and elves , also the trees
They’ll fight the wizard till he flees
Yes, flee he will, yes flee since he was crossed
"That Grima, his blood I will turn into frost!"
We’re off to see the wizard,
The wizard of Angrenost.

We’re off to see the wizard,
The wizard called Curunir
No ring, no men, nor orcs or stone
Are left he once held so dear
Abandoned he was by his fellow wiz
Yes, Olorin gave him quite a dis
He curse him out, it rang loud in his ear
"You fool, no more wizard will you be, my dear!"
We’re off to see the wizard,
The wizard once called Curunir.

We’re off to see the wizard
The wizard who went to the West
He lost his life in quite a strife
But we know its for the best
That Grima fellow stabbed him cold
And with a dagger, brave and bold
He stabbed him, stabbed him in the back, no jest
"Oh man, does this hurt, you indeed are a pest!"
We’re off to see the wizard
The wizard who went to the West.


L. Frank Baum, The wizard of Isengard

[Istari Inc]

I cannot stop!

Somewhere over on Orthanc… way up high
There's a wiz that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over on Orthanc, Skies are dark
And the wiz that is wizzing there really's quite a shark!

Someday I'll wish upon One Ring and wake up in a marsh with him behind me
Where troubles build like brick walls high
And Sauron will send Nazguls fierce
Oh so close behind me

Somewhere over Barad-Dur… Nazguls fly
Nazguls fly over whole Mordor, hide from them, why can't I?
If nasty aweful Nazguls fly, I need to hide quick
Why Oh why can't I?


L. Frank Baum, The wizard of Orthanc

[Istari Inc]

Lord of the Rings, told by R2D2

Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp- Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp- Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp-
Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp-
Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp-
Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp-
Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp-
Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp-BEEP!

[archerx]

I am the very model of the modern heir of Elendil
I aid the bearer of the ring whose really not an Underhill
I woo the elven damsel and..
The army incorporeal,
I am the very model of the modern heir of Elendil!

[JonHendry]

The Shire faces a historic threat from an Axis of Evil: Mordor,
Saruman, and, um, orcs or something.

Covert cells of black riders are at work in the land. To face
this evil, I have dispatched a Special Operations team to
dispose of the ring of power in, uh, Baghdad.

Also, tax cuts.

[Rider Hariolf]

Lord of the Rings - minimalistic version


One Ring to rule them all!

*sizzle*

The End

[Rider Hariolf]

Could someone pelase do:

• Dr Laura Schlesinger
• Rush Limbaugh
• Jar-Jar binks

[Toby-T]

Michael Ellis, a beautiful capture of Douglas Adams style!

[LordE45;]

Couldn't resist this one;

The Lord of the Rings, by Joseph Conrad (adapatation by Francis Ford Coppola)

Frodo stood before the stinking, cavernous entry to Mount Doom's heart, fingering the ring on its chain. They all want me to do it, he thought to himself, Sauron most of all. He just wanted to go down fighting, like a soldier of doom, a walking talking embodiment of evil, not some ragtag renegade ghost of a Maiar bound to his black tower. Frodo remembered the words he'd heard from afar when he'd donned the ring at the Falls of Rauros.

"Who are you?" came a cold voice, thick with malice. "Are you a Ring Bearer? Are you an assassin?"
"Certainly not, sir! I'm a hobbit!" squeaked Frodo.
"No... you are an errand boy... sent by grocery clerks... to collect a bill."
"I think it's Sam you want there, Mister Sauron, sir! I'll go get him!"
"No! Wait... I am afraid, that if I am... defeated - Frodo - my Ring destroyed... that they may not understand what I was doing here... that they may make up lies, Frodo, to protect themselves from the truth. Will you see to it, Frodo, that they learn the truth about me?"

Frodo sighed. Sauron had broken from the Valar. He'd broken with them, then he'd broken with himself. Frodo had never seen anyone so broken up and smashed apart. They're going to make me a hero for this, he thought bitterly, and I'm not even in their f***ing Fellowship anymore.

[Limmenel]

Epigramcracker, you're "Night Before Christmas" version is absolutely great! How long did it take you to get all of that to rhyme?



~Aya~
http://www.livejournal.com/users/limmenel
http://envisioning.cjb.net

[mocroidh]

This may be rather lame, but here goes...

Lord of the Rings! - The Rogers and Hammerstein version:

"The hills are alive, with the sound of Elvish,
With words they have spoke for three thousand years..."

"Oh, the orcs and the hobbits should be friends,
Oh the orcs and the hobbits should be friends.
One of them likes to hunt and feed,
The other one likes to smoke pipeweed,
But that's no reason why they can't be friends!"

"There is nothing like a Ring!
Nothing in the world!
There is nothing like that thing
That magical evil Ring!"

"Climb every mountain,
Ford every stream,
Follow every Gollum,
Till you destroy that Ring!"

"Some enchanted evening
You may see a ranger,
You may see a ranger,
Across a crowded room.
And somehow you know
You know even then
That somewhere you'll see him again."

"Hello, young hobbits, whoever you are,
I hope your troubles are few.
All my good wishes go with you today
I've been on a quest like you."

"I'm gonna throw that Ring right into the fire
I'm gonna throw that Ring right into the fire
I'm gonna throw that Ring right into the fire
And send Sauron on his way!"

And the big, showstopping production number:

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Mordor!
Where Frodo and Sam will try to go.
Where the air is foul and orcs do prowl,
Will they succeed? We just don't know!"

[Istari Inc]

Originally posted by jeffj.
Lord of the Rings - Gandalf v. Balrog code

import gandalf;
import balrog;
import bridge_of_khazad-dum;

public class GandalfvsBalrog extends Moria
{

Wizard Gandalf; //declare variables
Balrog misterSparkles;

main()
{
Gandalf.print("You Shall NOT PASS!!!);
misterSparkles.print("RARARARRRRARR!!!!);

Gandalf.HitGroundWithStaff_MakeBridgeFall;

if(misterSparkles.isFallingWayDown)
{
misterSparkles.whipGandalf_bringHisAssDownToo;
}

while(Gandalf.isFallingWayDown)
{
Gandalf.GrabSword_KickAssandYellAlot;
}

return One_Smoted_Balrog;
}
}

OMG! ROTFLMAO!!!! I am sooo tempted to actually type this into an editor to see what happens WELL DONE!!!!