#1  
Old 03-16-2017, 01:50 AM
Quasimodal Quasimodal is offline
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Single for awhile now...musings.

So I've now been single about 2 1/2 years. And really quite "meh" on the whole idea for most of that time. I'm 34...I'm just starting to think now maybe singledom is my destiny. One because I just can't seem to make a concerted effort anymore. And two...I'm just starting to think I'm something of a more feminine guy. I talk more, do yoga, do music, do dance...I'm kinda not a typical male. Even though I am straight, I think most women view me more as the friend type.

That's ok I guess though. I'd rather do my hobbies and lifestyle and be happy than try and be the regular dude.

So yeah just something of an affirmation. Maybe it's ok to keep embracing single-life.
  #2  
Old 03-16-2017, 03:14 AM
kambuckta kambuckta is offline
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I'm happily single too. I've had a previous marriage, a couple of live-in relationships afterwards, but single again and intend to stay that way! Relationships are too much effort, and I'm getting old and feeble now.....no energy for bullshit like that!

  #3  
Old 03-18-2017, 09:41 PM
Quasimodal Quasimodal is offline
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Do you ever feel regret? About not finding the right someone while you were young and unjaded? What about loneliness and intimacy? I feel sometimes that I'm missing a driving motivator in my life...finding and keeping that special someone.
  #4  
Old 03-19-2017, 12:27 AM
pool pool is offline
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I don't believe in destiny, so I don't think you are predetermined to either a single or committed fate as it were. I'm going through a divorce after 8 years of marriage and honestly it does take some getting used to not having a romantic partner and really just the constant company of other people but I'm adapting slowly.

I don't think anything you've posted makes you feminine, I play music as a hobby, I like to talk, I don't care for sports like most guys but I still consider myself "manly". You do seem to have a problem with loneliness in some posts or threads I've read and I can relate on some level. I value my alone time, but I also enjoy some daily interaction with others. If you feel like you've reached a stage that you have something to offer a potential romantic partner, somebody to share things, and be intimate with there is nothing to lose by trying to meet some new people, even if you fail you'll be right back where you started. As far as the friend thing, every romantic partner I've ever had we started as friends so I wouldn't worry too much about that in particular.
  #5  
Old 03-19-2017, 06:24 AM
Quartz Quartz is offline
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As a single male of 50, I would have liked to have had a family, but it didn't happen and it's too late now.
  #6  
Old 03-20-2017, 09:35 AM
peedin peedin is offline
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I'm 59 and have been divorced for 15 years, longer than I was married. I have no regrets about divorcing, and have no interest in dating or any relationship with a man (I'm female). Nothing wrong with a male doing yoga. There are 2 male yoga instructors at the studio.

Yeah, embrace single-dom. Be your own best friend.
  #7  
Old 03-20-2017, 10:19 AM
Blaster Master Blaster Master is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quasimodal View Post
One because I just can't seem to make a concerted effort anymore.
I'm long single myself, and I can't be bothered to put much effort, but that's mostly because my interests are elsewhere these days. It really sort of depends on how much you do or don't want to be in a relationship. I think if you want one but don't put forth the effort, that's bad, but if you're not putting forth the effort because you're putting that effort elsewhere, how is that a bad thing? It's your life and your choice to make.

If it's more sort of a defeatist approach, where you put forth effort and failed and then just sort of accepted it and gave up, that could be bad too. I had a situation a few years back where I was having a bunch of first dates but very few seconds and I got frustrated with it and took a break to reevaluate. That's where I came to the conclusion that I was putting forth all this effort, but it was largely fizzling on me because I was over-invested relative to my level of interest.

I still get questions about it from time to time, particularly from my female friends about why I'm "struggling" to meet someone. I guess there's a sort of expectation that because most people REALLY want that--and ultimately I do, just not now--that not wanting that means either one is trying and failing or there's something wrong with them.

Quote:
And two...I'm just starting to think I'm something of a more feminine guy. I talk more, do yoga, do music, do dance...I'm kinda not a typical male. Even though I am straight, I think most women view me more as the friend type.
I don't think there's anything inherently feminine about any of those things. Sure, studies show that, on average, women talk more than men... so what? Talking is a HUMAN thing. I know some men that won't shut up and I know some women who say very little. Hell, get me going on one of my passionate topics and I can talk your ear off for hours.

For yoga, if anything I'd associate it more, without condoning or condemning, with new-age or fitness types. If I were to hazard a guess at the people I know who do it, it's probably pretty darn close to 50-50.

For music, what's inherently feminine about that? Hell, if anything, put aside female singers, and it's overwhelmingly a boys club in most genres. I LOVE music; it's definitely my biggest passion. I compose, I play piano, I sing, and I don't feel feminine (or really masculine either, for that matter) when I play or listen to music.

And finally dance, sure certain forms of dance certainly have feminine stereotype, but there's also plenty that's gender neutral or even masculine. For instance, consider partner dances, which obviously are typically going to be pretty evenly represented for obvious reasons, and styles like hip-hop probably lean towards men.


And in all of that, there's nothing inherently wrong (or right) about being masculine or feminine other than where that's true to who you are or not, but don't let your interests define that, be who you are and own it. Hell, I've heard most of my life, as most guys due, that's its emasculating for men to cry and I've decided to buck that trend and I openly talk about that like I would anything else. In fact, I was just talking about it last week with some gym buddies at the gym. Ask yourself, do you WANT to be the "typical guy", whatever that means to you? Would you want to be with someone that's interested in that "typical guy" rather than the type of guy you are?

As a general rule, though, men often get seen as a "friend-type" because that's how they present themselves. I still struggle with that a lot myself and it's almost always for one of two reasons. First, it's possible she's not attracted to me or otherwise thinks I'm a bad match but still finds me interesting enough to want to still know; which is completely fair because I have female friends who expressed interest in me but I wasn't interested back--it can and does go both ways. Or, second, and more likely since it's often where the lament comes from, a guy is too shy and never makes his interest clear, or goes overboard and it turns her off. I don't think there's an inherently "friend type" of guy other than those that make themselves that way.
  #8  
Old 03-20-2017, 08:28 PM
phall0106 phall0106 is offline
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I turned 50 this year and have been divorced for nearly 30 years, and although I was in a relationship afterwards, that ended about 23 years ago. Now that all the kids have flown the coop, it's just me and the cats. (No wisecracks about old ladies and cats, please. I've heard most of them and they're insulting and ill-informed.) Hallboy was the last to leave, and he's been gone for over four years now.

I'm very much an introvert who loves spending time by myself, and for the most part, I love living by myself. I've been a parent since I was sixteen years old, and I love not having to answer to or be responsible for anyone except for myself. Other than when it comes to my job, I do what I want when I want to do it. I don't have to dance around someone else's schedule or compromise on anything. There's a lot of freedom there that I absolutely love having.

Every now and then I think it would be nice to have a partner. Then I think about the freedom I have and how there's not anyone leaving empty glasses in the sink, or socks on the floor, or not wanting me to rearrange the living room, and I just kinda let the whole partner idea go. Plus, finding is a partner is so much work that quite frankly, I really don't have the desire to do--I'd rather do other things with the time I have remaining than hunt for a partner. If he shows up on my doorstep, then I'll consider it. Otherwise...I'm good.

Last edited by phall0106; 03-20-2017 at 08:29 PM.
  #9  
Old 03-21-2017, 12:39 AM
septimus septimus is online now
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I've been a loner, and happy to be alone, most of my life. In my 30's I came to realize that this would be unhealthy in the long run, both emotionally and, eventually, due to lack of physical care. But I didn't pursue finding a mate (excepting some notable blunders) and, although I had occasional girlfriends, the idea of marriage receded into the background I was turning into a "confirmed old bachelor."

I found myself increasingly fond of my best and final girlfriend; I was in my early 40's when she suddenly proposed marriage. I shrugged and said "Why not?"

Our daughter is graduating from University soon; our son is still in high school. I wouldn't describe our life as unrelenting ecstacy, but my wife and I are quite content.
  #10  
Old 03-21-2017, 07:24 PM
Robot Arm Robot Arm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quasimodal View Post
So I've now been single about 2 1/2 years. And really quite "meh" on the whole idea for most of that time. I'm 34...I'm just starting to think now maybe singledom is my destiny. One because I just can't seem to make a concerted effort anymore. And two...I'm just starting to think I'm something of a more feminine guy. I talk more, do yoga, do music, do dance...I'm kinda not a typical male. Even though I am straight, I think most women view me more as the friend type.

That's ok I guess though. I'd rather do my hobbies and lifestyle and be happy than try and be the regular dude.

So yeah just something of an affirmation. Maybe it's ok to keep embracing single-life.
The best advice I can offer is not to throw yourself all-in to one extreme or the other. Don't shut down any possibility for the rewards of companionship, but don't become so desperate for it that you can't be happy without it. I don't always follow that my own advice on that, but I'm happiest when I do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blaster Master View Post
I still get questions about it from time to time, particularly from my female friends about why I'm "struggling" to meet someone. I guess there's a sort of expectation that because most people REALLY want that--and ultimately I do, just not now--that not wanting that means either one is trying and failing or there's something wrong with them.
I've heard comments like that before, and I always wonder who is asking why you're "struggling"? I've been single my whole life and it doesn't seem to occur to my friends to ask why. I can't decide if that's a good sign, or really, really bad.
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