Murphy's Law for Lonely People

[Crowbar of Irony +3]

Murphy's Law states that "If anything would go wrong, it will". Many and various amendents and additions have been added to Murphy's Law, but I have yet to come across these, so here they are:

Murphy's First Law for Lonely People: When others are free, you are not free. When you are free, others are not free.

Murphy's Addition to the First Law for Lonely People: Your friends will mysteriously fall sick, need to get their pets groomed, have pressing deadlines or will have something on the moment you thought of something cool to do with them.

Murphy's Second Law for Lonely People: The most exciting get-together that you want to be at is always planned without considering whether you could make it or not.

Murphy's Addition to the Second Law for Lonely People: If you are going to watch a movie with a group of friends, they will forget to buy the ticket for you.

Murphy's Third Law for Lonely People: When you started to think you have got used to loneliness, you haven't.

[Zoe]

Murphy's Fourth Law for Lonely People: The Red Zone for breaking up is from Thanksgiving until Valentine's Day.

Murphy's Fifth Law for Lonely People: If you buy your S.O. a Christmas present early, you increase your chances of splitting during the Red Zone.

[Nurobath]

Murphy's Fifth Law for Lonely People: Everyone will be sure and tell you about how great the big get-together was three days after it happens with many "you should have seens" and you should have been theres" and maybe even (if we're feeling really lucky) an "I should have invited you".

[Crowbar of Irony +3]

Murphy's Law for Lonely Old People: All your friends will die before you do.

[ParentalAdvisory]

Murphy's Addition to the Law for Lonely Old People. The former SO's will wish they could find some like you so they won't be lonely to replace there spouses. But they don't want you.

[ParentalAdvisory]

Originally posted by ParentalAdvisory
Murphy's Addition to the Law for Lonely Old People. The former SO's will wish they could find some like you so they won't be lonely to replace there spouses. But they don't want you.

...their spouses.

[Crowbar of Irony +3]

The Law of Odd-Number Group Dynamics for Lonely People: If you are in a group of friends, and the total number of the group is an odd number, everyone will pair off except you.

Murphy's Law for Lonely People Part Six: The person whom you will get along most with, shares the same common interes and who you felt will be good friends with will be sleeping in another bunk, posted to another unit, work in the opposite office or somewhere "so close yet so far".

Murphy's Amendment to Law Six: ...if the above is true, then you won't get along with anyone who is sleeping in your bunk, training in your unit or working in your office or what-not.

Self-Help Law for Lonely People: Never complain that you are lonely, for it is always your own damn bloody fault. If it is not so, whoever you are whining to will convince that it is your own fault, one way or another.

[Fretful Porpentine]

Porpentine's Corollary to Murphy's Law: The drinking-and-Trivial-Pursuit buddy of the opposite sex whose values, priorities, and way of life are wildly incompatible with yours is secretly attracted to you. The one whose lifestyle kinda matches up with yours is not.

(Known about the first one for a while, finally ascertained the second part last Friday. Damn.)

[wireless]

Originally posted by Zoe
Murphy's Fifth Law for Lonely People: If you buy your S.O. a Christmas present early, you increase your chances of splitting during the Red Zone.

Murphy's Addition to the Fifth Law for Lonely People
The chance of splitting up increases even more if the present is non-refundable airplane tickets or in the days just after the return period ends.

Murphy's Further Addition to the Fifth Law for Lonely People
If your birthday falls in the Thanksgiving-New Year's period, chances of splitting up increase yet again, in general in proportion to the time, effort and $ you put into your SO's last birthday.

Wireless' (who just spent her birthday by herself yesterday) Christmas 2003 Dilemma:
Anyone want to buy a really nice green suede jacket, size XL?
Or meet me in Las Vegas for CES in January when I go by myself?

[Duke]

Murphy's Law for Lonely People on New Year's Eve: If you make plans to do something with someone on New Year's Eve, and the person forgets and makes plans to do something else with someone else, that person will tell you about their new plans too late for you to find someone else to do something with. _{(Yes, I just found out yesterday...)}

Murphy's Law for Lonely People Part Seven: If you have to live somewhere for a fixed period, you will only start to make friends during the last month or two that you live there.

Murphy's Law for Single People living in Niagara County, NY: Everybody else is married, about to be married, or angrily divorced. Your married friends will "know lots of single people" who might be interested in you, but you will never actually see those people, as they don't exist.

[Thudlow Boink]

Murphy's Zeroth Law for Lonely People: The amount of friendship, social life, etc. that you will have in your life in the near future is proportional to the amount you have now. Thus, if your current level of social interaction is zero, your future level will be zero.

I.e., it is true of social life, friendship, companionship, romance, sex, and other sorts of human interaction as it is of so many other things, that the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and the lonely get lonelier.

Associated Lemma #1: The more friends you have, the more opportunities you have to make new friends.

Associated Lemma #2: The more friends you have, the more you get to practice the kinds of social skills that enable you to make friends.

Associated Lemma #3: The more friends you have, the more you appear, to yourself and to others, as the kind of person one would want to have as a friend.

[monstro]

Murphy's Law for Introverted Weirdos #1: The moment when you think you've bonded with another person, he or she ruins it by doing/saying something that's incredibly annoying.

Murphy's Law for Introverted Weirdos #2: The moment when you've accepted your a-loneness as something that works for you, some well-meaning soul reminds you that you're an introverted weirdo who leads a pathetic and embarassing existence.

[Crowbar of Irony +3]

Murphy's Law on "Out of Sight, Out of Mind: Your friends notice your absence but never acknowledged your presence.

LostCause's refution to Murphy's Law on "Out of Sight, Out of Mind": Your friends never notice your absence and never acknowledged your presence until you do something stupid to draw attention to you.[/b]

LostCause's Colloray to Law for Introveted Weridos: The moment when you feel you need human contact is the moment when nobody is free. The moment when you think you need to take a breather is the beginning of the period of where everybody is pressuring you to come out[/b]

Murphy's Law of Jealously for Lonely People: If you happen to have a good friend, that good friend will have several dozen friends who will demand his attention.

Murphy's Law of Jealously for Lonely People II: If you happen to have a good friend, that good friend will rather spend time with someone else than with you, but because he/she is a good friend, he/she rather not say it.

[Ale]

Originally posted by monstro
Murphy's Law for Introverted Weirdos #2: The moment when you've accepted your a-loneness as something that works for you, some well-meaning soul reminds you that you're an introverted weirdo who leads a pathetic and embarassing existence. [/b]

Mother, is that you?

[elmwood]

Murphy's Law of Internet Dating Services for Lonely People #1: You'll never get any responses to your carefully wordsmithed and thoughtful responses to profiles of MOTAS that seem like perfect matches.

Murphy's Law of Internet Dating Services for Lonely People #2: When someone writes to show interest in you, they're almost always:

• Far outside your age range.
• Physically unattractive (i.e. too big, too tall/short, too skanky/grizzled).
• Seeking for a green card (i.e. "My name is Svetlana. I am wonderfuling woman who likes you profile and seek pleasantry corresponding.").
• Otherwise geographically undesirable.
• Not of the appropriate sex (i.e. "Howdoyouknowyouwon'tlikeitifyouhaven'ttrieditbefore?" ).
• Way too religious (i.e. the word "Jesus" or "Lord" is mentioned several times in the ad).
• Stupid (i.e. "I am a intelligant and independant women.")

[Ludovic]

Murphy's Lemma to the Addition to the Fifth Law for Lonely People: If you are the one holding nonrefundable plane tickets, friend will decide she does not like you precisely 1 week before you are to fly to see her.

[Crowbar of Irony +3]

Murphy's Law for Sucidal Lonely People I: When you are doing it for attention, no one turns up.

Murphy's Law for Sucidal Lonely People II: When you are doing it for real, and really am seeking sweet obivilon, the police, the firemen, the national guard, the FBI, the Secret Service and your parents turn up, except your friends.

[saramamalana]

Murphy's Law on "Out of Sight, Out of Mind: Your friends notice your absence but never acknowledged your presence.

I wish I had a law to add, but holy crap does that one law describe my social life of the last 4 months.

[Annie-Xmas]

Murphy's Law for Lonely Working People:

When you finally set everything up to take a wonderful, if alone, vacation, something will happen at work and they will demand your presence there because it's not like you were going to do something with somebody.

[Crowbar of Irony +3]

Murphy's Law for Lonely People Part Eight: You watched a blockbuster movie by yourself because you couldn't find anyone to watch with, and straight after watching the movie you get friends asking you to watch the movie with them.

[Duke]

Murphy's Law for Lonely Working People, addendum: No reason for absence from work ever trumps "My spouse/kid/SO was sick." Any complaint about having to work until midnight or on the weekend will be met with "Well, you don't have a spouse/kids to come home to."

Murphy's Law of Internet Dating for Lonely People (the e-harmony version): The interesting people you "initiate communication" with will either (1) not respond because actually they're married and just signed up to "try out the free personality test," (2) stop writing you at Step 2 because they didn't like your list of Likes/Don't Likes, (3) get cold feet at the "Open Communication" stage, or (4) if you do actually have a promising Open Communication with someone, they will neglect to send you their e-mail address before their subscription expires, leaving you with nowhere to write.

[Scuba_Ben]

Finagle's Extension About Being the Good Friend: The sexy MOTPS will repeatedly cry on your shoulder about how abusive their SO is to them. Once they break up with the SO, recover, and you make your move, they will promptly get back together with the abusive SO.

[scout1222]

I would just like to say, I love you all.

--scout, on the verge of loneliness

[Fuji Kitakyusho]

Kitakyusho's Observation #1

The person who feels alone, disregarded, depressed, and without a confidant, will eventually revert to the single universal standby for emotional salvation - his or her mother. Of course, in this, the lonely person's hour of need, the inevitable words are spoken from parent to child:

"So, why haven't you found anyone yet?"

..so proving yet another universal social law - that no matter what the situation is, family can always make it worse.

[Neidhart]

originally posted by Thudlow Boink

I.e., it is true of social life, friendship, companionship, romance, sex, and other sorts of human interaction as it is of so many other things, that the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and the lonely get lonelier.

Ayup. "Them as has, gets."

originally posted by monstro

Murphy's Law for Introverted Weirdos #2: The moment when you've accepted your a-loneness as something that works for you, some well-meaning soul reminds you that you're an introverted weirdo who leads a pathetic and embarassing existence.

Are you me?

[LonesomePolecat]

Flurgle's Marital Status Conundrum for Lonely Men: Whatever your marital status is, it will be held against you. If you're 40 and have never been married, something's wrong with you. If you're 40 and divorced, obviously you have too much baggage in the form of an ex-spouse, kids, alimony, emotional scars, etc. to be considered for an intimate relationship. If you're widowed, the memory of your deceased spouse would haunt a new relationship. If you're married -- Hey! You're married, for cryin' out loud!!!

Sneed's Sexual History Conundrum for Lonely Women: Whatever your sexual history is, it will be held against. If you're a virgin at any age over 18, you are a neurotic prude and best avoided. If you have any sexual experience at all, you're a floozie who will never, ever be introduced to his parents.

[Kallessa]

I don't feel quite so lonely now.


Kallessa's Lonely Doper Law: If you post about loneliness on the SDMB, you'll find lots of other lonely people, but none of them will live anywhere near you.

Kallessa's Corollary to the Lonely Doper Law: If a Lonely Doper does live anywhere near you, he or she will be too shy/socially inept to make direct dontact with you.

Kallessa's Conundrum for Lonely Doper's: Any Lonely Doper that does overcome his or her shyness/social ineptitute to contact you, shares none of your interests.

[Miss Purl McKnittington]

The only people interested in shy and sweet are those old enough to be your father, wearing pink bowling shirts and a wedding ring, who claim to own antiques stores, but are quite obviously drunk. The awkwardness of these situations only increase when questions concerning Rush Limbaugh are asked.

[Eternal]

Sometimes I'm lonely.

No, not really.

Ha ha I'm better than j00

[sunfish]

Originally posted by LostCause
Murphy's Law for Lonely People Part Eight: You watched a blockbuster movie by yourself because you couldn't find anyone to watch with, and straight after watching the movie you get friends asking you to watch the movie with them.

sunfish's Alternative: You tell a friend that you're dying to go see a blockbluster, and they tell you they just went last weekend with a bunch of other people.

Originally posted by monstro
Murphy's Law for Introverted Weirdos #2: The moment when you've accepted your a-loneness as something that works for you, some well-meaning soul reminds you that you're an introverted weirdo who leads a pathetic and embarassing existence.

Where is that damn fly on the wall...?

Murphy's Law for the Lonely and Financially Challenged: Everyone will be ready to go out the week you barely have enough for basic groceries, but no one will be available if you can spare the cash for a modest night out.

Cardinal Rule of the Friends-Like-This School of Encouragement: Happily occupied friends will try to cheer you up about your prospects but make you sound like you're _thisclose to being a lost cause. "Oh hon, there's someone for everyone. After all, if that guy in Germany could find someone to kill him and eat him the way he wanted, you can surely find someone too."

[coffeecam]

Originally posted by Scuba_Ben
Finagle's Extension About Being the Good Friend: The sexy MOTPS will repeatedly cry on your shoulder about how abusive their SO is to them. Once they break up with the SO, recover, and you make your move, they will promptly get back together with the abusive SO.

far to true, far to often.

Coffeecam's Corrolary to FEABtGF: If you attempt to cease being the Good Friend for any length of time, the sexy MOTPS will be single a few hours later and be dating again before you call to see whats up.

Wiffle's addendum to Murphy's Fifth Law for Lonely People: Everyone will be sure and tell you about how great the big get-together was three days after it happens with many "you should have seens" and you should have been theres" and maybe even (if we're feeling really lucky) an "I should have invited you". And there will never be a bat around to properly explain the concept of invitations.

Murphy's Law for the Lonely Professional Student: Any MOTPS who is a)cute b)funny c)likes you d)going to be a lawyer/doctor is e)married to someone who isn't dumb enough to mess it up.

CC

[BraheSilver]

Keller's Loneliness Evasion Paradox: A lonely person who actively tries to avoid being lonely is seen as "desperate," and is therefore a pariah to non-lonely people. A lonely person who does not actively try to avoid being lonely is seen as "a loner" and is therefore a pariah to non-lonely people.

The Lonely Lumping: Any attempt by a friend to set you up with the lonely friend of their SO will result in awkward silences, since the only thing the two of you will have in common is your lonliness. "You'll like him/her, s/he's my SO's friend and s/he also doesn't have a boy/girlfriend."

[Morrigoon]

Morri's Rule of Loneliness:
You may genuinely want a nice guy, but all the nice guys are ugly and socially inept, and frankly, nice in name only. All the other ones are already married or gay... mostly gay.

Morri's Second Rule of Loneliness
Forget it, whoever it is you're looking at... he's gay too.

[paulberserker]

Christ, its a right crybaby fest in the pit these last few days.

pauls rule of lonelyness: be aggressive to all those unsympathetic to your plight. meh.

[Agrippina]

Murphy's Law for Recluses: You have finally accepted being alone and now you WANT to be alone. This is the perfect time for everybody to suddenly want to be your friend.

End of the School Year Law: People who never even talked to you will come up and say, "I loved having you in my class!"

[Fretful Porpentine]

Originally posted by lillalette
The only people interested in shy and sweet are those old enough to be your father, wearing pink bowling shirts and a wedding ring, who claim to own antiques stores, but are quite obviously drunk. The awkwardness of these situations only increase when questions concerning Rush Limbaugh are asked.

BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Have we met some of the same people?

[sturmhauke]

Murphy's Law for Lonely Geeks: Whatever bit of geekiness you subscribe to will be looked down upon by other geeks in your area. Attempts to engage in activities with geeks online will result in schedule conflicts.

[AnnaLivia]

Anna Livia's Law of Similarity

When you find someone who likes Tom Waits as much as you do, it's for a good reason- you're both anti-social, painfully awkward alcoholics with too many relationships that have blown up leaving the shards embedded in your faces.

[paulberserker]

Originally posted by AnnaLivia
Anna Livia's Law of Similarity

When you find someone who likes Tom Waits as much as you do, it's for a good reason- you're both anti-social, painfully awkward alcoholics with too many relationships that have blown up leaving the shards embedded in your faces.

apart from the painfully awkward bit, you are me!

[RobuSensei]

I think this is an appropriate place to re-post JoeLogon's Foolproof Guide to Making Any Woman Your Platonic Friend.

As for my own addition to the list...gyahh. it's too hard to read...this...excuse me, I gotta, um....

[sound of running footsteps, door slamming]

[dasgupta]

Murphy's First Law for Lonely People in New York City: Despite all of the things to do in New York, you will have nobody to do them with.

Dasgupta's Corrolary to Murphy's First Law for Lonely People in New York City: When you do find someone to do things with, your unlimited Metrocard will expire.

[erislover]

Originally posted by ParentalAdvisory
Murphy's Addition to the Law for Lonely Old People. The former SO's will wish they could find some like you so they won't be lonely to replace there spouses. But they don't want you.

I think this is a specific case of the more general one where the desired person wants someone just like you that isn't you.

[AnnaLivia]

Originally posted by paulberserker
apart from the painfully awkward bit, you are me!

Ach...I just ran into him upstairs...still awkward, though now sober.

[wolfstu]

Originally posted by Morrigoon
Morri's Rule of Loneliness:
You may genuinely want a nice guy, but all the nice guys are ugly and socially inept, and frankly, nice in name only. All the other ones are already married or gay... mostly gay.

Morri's Second Rule of Loneliness
Forget it, whoever it is you're looking at... he's gay too.

wolfstu's corollary to Morri's Rule: When you finally come out, you will discover that all of the guys you're attracted to, who are cute and smart and with whom you have loads in common, will be straight. Any gay guys in your social circles will be too closeted for you to find out, or not be interested in you.

[Crowbar of Irony +3]

Murphy's Law for Lonely People Part Nine: The moment you tell a 'good' friend how lonely you used to be before you get to know that 'good' friend, the next thing that happens would be your 'good' friend complaining that you are too much of an effort to be around and dumps you for greener pasture and friends who are eaiser to keep.

Murphy's Law for Lonely People Who Has Cell Phone: The moment you switch off the phone for some reasons, your friend will call and leave a message akin to "How about lunch/dinner/movie". And when you finally read the voice mail and reply, they will exclaim: "Where have you been? I had lunch/dinner/watched the movie/gotten a life already!"

Law of Relationship between Lonely People and the Phone: When people call you on the phone it either your friends needing help, telemarkerters, or wrong numbers.

[Crowbar of Irony +3]

sunfish's Alternative: You tell a friend that you're dying to go see a blockbluster, and they tell you they just went last weekend with a bunch of other people.

And nope, they are not interested in watching it again, or happened to be broke, or don't want to waste time watching movie again...

[Sweet 'Sota Girl]

Elmwood, I'd like to add one more to Murphy's Laws of Internet Dating... Your profile will clearly state that you have a child, but yet people will respond to your ad and sound half decent until you discover that their profile indicates that they do not want to date someone who has children. I personally hate when they do that. I once responded back and said, "did you notice that I have a child???" ::sigh::

[q]Murphy's Law for Single People living in Niagara County, NY: Everybody else is married, about to be married, or angrily divorced. Your married friends will "know lots of single people" who might be interested in you, but you will never actually see those people, as they don't exist.[/q]

Yep yep. And Duke's bit about there being a gazillion things to do in NY and no one to do them with... I lived that same feeling last summer here in Minneapolis. I went to a few Twins games by myself. That was depressing. But the things I didn't end up doing (i.e. Valleyfair, mini-golfing) were worse.

[Eternal]

Maybe if you people spent less time bitching and more time doing whatever people do to be not lonely, you could be like millionaires or something.

[AnnaLivia]

But I like bitching.

Anna Livia's Second Law When you decide you will be platonic friends, he kisses you. When you give him an easy way out that will not hurt you quite as badly, he does not take it.

Anna Livia's Addition to Rules One and Two If said would-be partner is world's most neurotic Scotsman, he will decide it is you who are too neurotic to date.

AL

[Silver Serpentine]

If you move across the country, none of your old friends will bother to keep in contact with you.

In this new state, anyone who you manage to make friends with already has a large social group. You will never meet any of these friends, or be invited out to do anything. Eventually, you will be forgotten for the larger group.