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  #51  
Old 02-06-2017, 05:23 PM
pulykamell pulykamell is online now
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Originally Posted by Clothes View Post
Louie Louie. This beloved song was dashed off in a hurry, and sounds it.

"Louie Louie, oh oh, me gotta go" - well it's the "gotta" that's gotta go - one too many syllables. Make it "and away I go", and it fits and exudes oodles of cool.
Don't you dare touch "Louie, Louie." That song is perfect as it is and the quintessential rock song.
  #52  
Old 02-06-2017, 07:31 PM
RivkahChaya RivkahChaya is offline
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Originally Posted by Dead Cat View Post
Did Douglas Adams ever find a fix for the ridiculous line in "Doe, a deer": "La, a note that follows so"? I must admit I have tried and failed with that one.
I think it's "La, a note to follow so: ti I drink with jam and bread"-- it's actually a second play on "so" as a function word.
  #53  
Old 02-07-2017, 04:07 AM
Clothes Clothes is offline
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Originally Posted by pulykamell View Post
Don't you dare touch "Louie, Louie." That song is perfect as it is and the quintessential rock song.
I dare touch Louie Louie.
I want the words to be as salacious as the tune suggests. "My little girl, she waits for me" is a good start. After that, all bets are off. It's called the folk process. I don't blame Richard Berry; he wrote a perfectly nice song in the doo-wop tradition with polite lyrics about a guy telling someone named Louie how much he misses his gal. He never expected it would take off among Seattle teens and get revved up by the likes of the Sonics and Paul Revere and the Raiders, and ultimately the Kingsmen whose distorted and slurred take became a national scandal. At which point it became something completely different, and I say anyone who dares is free to go full-on pornographic with it, just as long as you keep that dah dah dah, dah dah loud and strong.
  #54  
Old 02-07-2017, 07:30 AM
Dead Cat Dead Cat is offline
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Originally Posted by RivkahChaya View Post
I think it's "La, a note to follow so: ti I drink with jam and bread"-- it's actually a second play on "so" as a function word.
Huh - I actually never noticed that before, thanks! Probably because that phrasing is not something you really hear in Britain. Perhaps Adams missed this as well, for the same reason. Regardless, I still think it's a weak effort.
  #55  
Old 02-07-2017, 11:23 AM
JohnT JohnT is online now
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Elton John's "Someone Saved My Life Tonight"...

Someone saved my life tonight, sugar bear

should be

Someone saved my life tonight... should've they

Last edited by JohnT; 02-07-2017 at 11:23 AM.
  #56  
Old 02-07-2017, 11:35 AM
pulykamell pulykamell is online now
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Originally Posted by Clothes View Post
I dare touch Louie Louie.
I dunno. I like the percussive consonants of "me gotta go" vs the quiet "and away I go." Much stronger in rhythm and sound to me, at any rate.
  #57  
Old 02-07-2017, 12:47 PM
WOOKINPANUB WOOKINPANUB is offline
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Originally Posted by JohnT View Post
Elton John's "Someone Saved My Life Tonight"...

Someone saved my life tonight, sugar bear

should be

Someone saved my life tonight... should've they
Hee. I've mentioned this here; back before you could easily find song lyrics and before I learned who "sugar bear" is I always heard it as "sugar bear" but couldn't believe that was actually what he's singing because ya know, it's stupid. I decided he was singing "someone saved my life tonight . . .didn't ya, dear?" and convinced probably half the kids in my elementary school. Ditto Steve Miller's "pompatus of love" which I decided must actually be "properties of love". I think my revisions are an improvement.
  #58  
Old 02-13-2017, 09:54 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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Much as I love Billy Joel's Piano Man, I wish he had used the A-B-C-C-B rhyme scheme in all his lyrics, so I did it:

It's 9:00 on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in.
There's a old man
With a glass in his hand.
Getting drunk on his tonic and gin
-------------------------------------------
He says "Bill, I believe this is killing me."
As the smile ran away from his face.
"If I could leave this bar
I'd be a big star.
Why can't I get the hell out of this place?"
----------------------------------------------------
And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessmen slowly get stoned.
Yes, they drink to excess
And to loneliness....
But it's better than drinking alone.
  #59  
Old 02-14-2017, 01:35 AM
AppallingGael AppallingGael is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RivkahChaya View Post
I think it's "La, a note to follow so: ti I drink with jam and bread"-- it's actually a second play on "so" as a function word.
Just listened to Julie Andrews sing it, and I really don't think so. My suggestion there is "La, which barristers must know".

"Till the stars fall from the sky for you and I".

Needlessly ungrammatical. Why not "till the fish leap from the sea for you and me"?

"What's love but a second-hand emotion?"

Do you mean "second-rate"? After all, your love may be second-hand, but that doesn't mean mine is (of course, it doesn't mean it isn't).

From a more recent song (I assume), part of the rotation at my local McDonald's: "You always want to come but you never want to leave".

No paradox there, so "but" is out of place. A simple "and" would suffice, though admittedly it's an uninspiring line.

"Your words poetic are not pathetic. On the other hand, boy, you shine".

Again, "on the other hand" usually means one thing is bad, but another thing is good. Here, two things are good, or at least ok. I suggest "as a matter of fact" instead.
  #60  
Old 04-15-2017, 01:48 PM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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In Joan Baez's cover of Bob Dylan's A Simple Twist of Fate, she sings

People tell me it's a crime
To feel too much
At any one time
All it cost me was a dime
But the bells refuse to ring

I sing:
People tell me it's a crime
To feel too much
At any one time
I still want to hear a chime
But the bells refuse to ring
  #61  
Old 04-16-2017, 12:14 AM
Labdad Labdad is offline
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"Touch Me" by the Doors

'Till the stars fall from the sky
For you and I."

Till the stars fall in the sea
For you and me."

That "I" has ALWAYS grated on me!
  #62  
Old 04-16-2017, 04:02 AM
jtur88 jtur88 is offline
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"To the oceans, white with foam"?? Come on.

How about:

"From the mountains, to the prairies,
To the WalMarts, with our phones"
  #63  
Old 04-16-2017, 07:02 AM
Grrr! Grrr! is online now
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Hotel California:

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas fajitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night.


At least "fajitas" is an actual word. And they do smell both warm and divine.
  #64  
Old 04-16-2017, 09:20 AM
Peter Morris Peter Morris is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Grrr! View Post
At least "fajitas" is an actual word.
So is colitas.
  #65  
Old 04-16-2017, 09:28 AM
pulykamell pulykamell is online now
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Originally Posted by Grrr! View Post
At least "fajitas" is an actual word. And they do smell both warm and divine.
In addition to the above, we have this Straight Dope column getting to the bottom of it.
  #66  
Old 04-16-2017, 11:31 AM
burpo the wonder mutt burpo the wonder mutt is offline
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"Say," by John Mayer:

Without mentioning the fact that his singing voice is 10 miles of bad road, the chorus could use some beefing up.

"Say what you mean to say." Fine. But repeated 8 times (the last chorus is 24 times)? With no other change in the accompaniment?

Why not:

Say what you mean to say,
Say what you want to say,
Say what you have to say,
Say what you ought to say.

"Want" and "ought" is a bit of a stretch for a rhyme, I'll admit.

Last edited by burpo the wonder mutt; 04-16-2017 at 11:31 AM.
  #67  
Old 04-17-2017, 06:21 AM
Banksiaman Banksiaman is offline
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Carly Simon - You're so vain

...

You walked in to the party
Like you were walking on to a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf, it was apricot


Famously she pronounces apricot as apree-cott, which is just wrong, wrong, wrong, but we can easily fix this -

You walked in to the party
Like you were walking on to a boat
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf, it matched your coat

etc


It gets rid of the offending fruit, but continues and embellishes the natty dresser theme of the verse, and because it was about Warren Beatty, I think that's what she was really trying to say.

Ms Simon, if you're reading, your people are welcome to call me to discuss my share of any re-recording you may like to do.
  #68  
Old 04-17-2017, 07:16 AM
RivkahChaya RivkahChaya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Banksiaman View Post
Carly Simon - You're so vain

...

You walked in to the party
Like you were walking on to a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf, it was apricot


Famously she pronounces apricot as apree-cott, which is just wrong, wrong, wrong, but we can easily fix this -

You walked in to the party
Like you were walking on to a boat
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf, it matched your coat

etc


It gets rid of the offending fruit, but continues and embellishes the natty dresser theme of the verse, and because it was about Warren Beatty, I think that's what she was really trying to say.

Ms Simon, if you're reading, your people are welcome to call me to discuss my share of any re-recording you may like to do.
I prefer to think that the scarf was "apres cote," or, an "after thought," you know, worn as though it were just tossed on at the last minute, and yet it completed the outfit perfectly, thereby describing the subject's instinct for topping off an outfit with an exact right thing. If she was more familiar with Quebecois French than the French of France, she might pronounce "apres" "apree."
  #69  
Old 04-17-2017, 08:17 AM
Banksiaman Banksiaman is offline
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Originally Posted by RivkahChaya View Post
I prefer to think that the scarf was "apres cote," or, an "after thought," you know, worn as though it were just tossed on at the last minute, and yet it completed the outfit perfectly, thereby describing the subject's instinct for topping off an outfit with an exact right thing. If she was more familiar with Quebecois French than the French of France, she might pronounce "apres" "apree."
RivkahChaya, I think its wonderful and noble of you to try to defend Ms Simon, but even you must admit its papering over a pretty big crack. Let us help her by getting her out of the hole, rather than giving her the impetus to keep digging herself deeper. With our sincere support, she may just rise above this, put it behind her and be able to salvage some credibility and leave on a high note.

RivkahChaya and I believe in you, Carly! We only want whats best for you.
  #70  
Old 05-31-2017, 12:43 PM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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Tom Paxton's I'm Changing My Name to Chrysler

Original lyrics:

Since the first amphibians crawled out of the slime
We've been struggling in an unrelenting climb
We were hardly up and walking before money started talking
And it's sad that failure is an awful crime

I always sing: We ha barely started walking before money started talking.

I can't believe Paxton didn't write it that way.
  #71  
Old 05-31-2017, 01:33 PM
SirRay SirRay is offline
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Well, since this thread lives again...

Cranberries - Zombie
"In your head, in your head, they are fighting
With their tanks, and their bombs
And their bombs, and their guns
In your head, in your head they are crying
"
The duplicate words "bombs" kind of irks me. Maybe change the second occurance of bomb to "planes" or "ships" or, if it must be ground infantry, "knives".

Boney M - Rasputin
Putting aside the fact Czar Nicholas' consort was Tsarina (Empress as well) and not really the "Russian Queen", there's a few places we need to jack up the melody and slide some reworked lyrics in...
"He could preach the bible like a preacher
Full of ecstasy and fire
"
This is a bit tough, all the good synonym for preach are 2 or more syllables (exhort, prophesize, relate, etc). Let's go with "teach the Bible"
"Then one night some men of higher standing
Set a trap, they're not to blame
"Come to visit us" they kept demanding
And he really came
"
Not sure what to do with "not to blame" ("Set a trap, without shame"?), but the last 2 lines I recommend...
"Come visit us" they kept demanding
Until he finally came"

"And so they shot him till he was dead"
Hmm, just go with
"And so they shot him...dead!" (it scans in the song).
Of course, you do NOT mess with that great line
"Ra Ra Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine"


Also, once and for all need to make it clear the correct "Live and Let Die" lyric is
"But if this ever changing world in which we're living..."


(Don't give me this "Cerebral rape and pillage in a village..." nonsense - "We will rape and pillage in a village..." is 10x cooler...)
  #72  
Old 06-01-2017, 11:15 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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You Raised Me Up has the lyric "You raise me up to more than I can be."

Uh, you cannot be any more than you can be. It's humanly impossible.

I sing "You raise me up to all that I can be."
  #73  
Old 06-01-2017, 05:50 PM
ekedolphin ekedolphin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Annie-Xmas View Post
You Raised Me Up has the lyric "You raise me up to more than I can be."

Uh, you cannot be any more than you can be. It's humanly impossible.

I sing "You raise me up to all that I can be."
It's a Christian choral anthem, so I think the songwriter means, "more than I can be by myself, but with Jesus, I can be more than I otherwise could be." At least, that's my interpretation.
  #74  
Old 06-01-2017, 11:09 PM
Sunshine and Smiles Sunshine and Smiles is offline
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Perhaps choosing this song is a bit like shooting fish in a barrel, but in Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven":

Quote:
And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul,
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
should actually read/sound

Quote:
And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very CLOSE
__________________
FICTION - Creative Prose with Rhythm. Something to tug on everyone's heartstrings.
  #75  
Old 06-03-2017, 04:21 PM
kaylasdad99 kaylasdad99 is offline
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"Come Fly With Me"

Come fly with me, let's float down to Peru,
In llama land, there's a one-man band, and he'll toot his flute for you.
Come fly with me, we'll take off in the blue.


All well and good. EXCEPT nobody ever sings "in llama land." Everybody invariably goes with "in lama land" (which Peru isn't).

That's okay. "In lama land" can be accommodated.

Come fly with me, let's drift off to Tibet,
In lama land, there's a one-man band with a tune you won't forget.
Come fly with me, we'll take my private jet.
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