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  #51  
Old 02-06-2017, 04:23 PM
pulykamell pulykamell is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Clothes View Post
Louie Louie. This beloved song was dashed off in a hurry, and sounds it.

"Louie Louie, oh oh, me gotta go" - well it's the "gotta" that's gotta go - one too many syllables. Make it "and away I go", and it fits and exudes oodles of cool.
Don't you dare touch "Louie, Louie." That song is perfect as it is and the quintessential rock song.
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  #52  
Old 02-06-2017, 06:31 PM
RivkahChaya RivkahChaya is online now
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Originally Posted by Dead Cat View Post
Did Douglas Adams ever find a fix for the ridiculous line in "Doe, a deer": "La, a note that follows so"? I must admit I have tried and failed with that one.
I think it's "La, a note to follow so: ti I drink with jam and bread"-- it's actually a second play on "so" as a function word.
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  #53  
Old 02-07-2017, 03:07 AM
Clothes Clothes is offline
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Originally Posted by pulykamell View Post
Don't you dare touch "Louie, Louie." That song is perfect as it is and the quintessential rock song.
I dare touch Louie Louie.
I want the words to be as salacious as the tune suggests. "My little girl, she waits for me" is a good start. After that, all bets are off. It's called the folk process. I don't blame Richard Berry; he wrote a perfectly nice song in the doo-wop tradition with polite lyrics about a guy telling someone named Louie how much he misses his gal. He never expected it would take off among Seattle teens and get revved up by the likes of the Sonics and Paul Revere and the Raiders, and ultimately the Kingsmen whose distorted and slurred take became a national scandal. At which point it became something completely different, and I say anyone who dares is free to go full-on pornographic with it, just as long as you keep that dah dah dah, dah dah loud and strong.
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  #54  
Old 02-07-2017, 06:30 AM
Dead Cat Dead Cat is offline
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Originally Posted by RivkahChaya View Post
I think it's "La, a note to follow so: ti I drink with jam and bread"-- it's actually a second play on "so" as a function word.
Huh - I actually never noticed that before, thanks! Probably because that phrasing is not something you really hear in Britain. Perhaps Adams missed this as well, for the same reason. Regardless, I still think it's a weak effort.
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  #55  
Old 02-07-2017, 10:23 AM
JohnT JohnT is online now
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Elton John's "Someone Saved My Life Tonight"...

Someone saved my life tonight, sugar bear

should be

Someone saved my life tonight... should've they

Last edited by JohnT; 02-07-2017 at 10:23 AM..
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  #56  
Old 02-07-2017, 10:35 AM
pulykamell pulykamell is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Clothes View Post
I dare touch Louie Louie.
I dunno. I like the percussive consonants of "me gotta go" vs the quiet "and away I go." Much stronger in rhythm and sound to me, at any rate.
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  #57  
Old 02-07-2017, 11:47 AM
WOOKINPANUB WOOKINPANUB is online now
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Originally Posted by JohnT View Post
Elton John's "Someone Saved My Life Tonight"...

Someone saved my life tonight, sugar bear

should be

Someone saved my life tonight... should've they
Hee. I've mentioned this here; back before you could easily find song lyrics and before I learned who "sugar bear" is I always heard it as "sugar bear" but couldn't believe that was actually what he's singing because ya know, it's stupid. I decided he was singing "someone saved my life tonight . . .didn't ya, dear?" and convinced probably half the kids in my elementary school. Ditto Steve Miller's "pompatus of love" which I decided must actually be "properties of love". I think my revisions are an improvement.
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  #58  
Old 02-13-2017, 08:54 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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Much as I love Billy Joel's Piano Man, I wish he had used the A-B-C-C-B rhyme scheme in all his lyrics, so I did it:

It's 9:00 on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in.
There's a old man
With a glass in his hand.
Getting drunk on his tonic and gin
-------------------------------------------
He says "Bill, I believe this is killing me."
As the smile ran away from his face.
"If I could leave this bar
I'd be a big star.
Why can't I get the hell out of this place?"
----------------------------------------------------
And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessmen slowly get stoned.
Yes, they drink to excess
And to loneliness....
But it's better than drinking alone.
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  #59  
Old 02-14-2017, 12:35 AM
AppallingGael AppallingGael is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RivkahChaya View Post
I think it's "La, a note to follow so: ti I drink with jam and bread"-- it's actually a second play on "so" as a function word.
Just listened to Julie Andrews sing it, and I really don't think so. My suggestion there is "La, which barristers must know".

"Till the stars fall from the sky for you and I".

Needlessly ungrammatical. Why not "till the fish leap from the sea for you and me"?

"What's love but a second-hand emotion?"

Do you mean "second-rate"? After all, your love may be second-hand, but that doesn't mean mine is (of course, it doesn't mean it isn't).

From a more recent song (I assume), part of the rotation at my local McDonald's: "You always want to come but you never want to leave".

No paradox there, so "but" is out of place. A simple "and" would suffice, though admittedly it's an uninspiring line.

"Your words poetic are not pathetic. On the other hand, boy, you shine".

Again, "on the other hand" usually means one thing is bad, but another thing is good. Here, two things are good, or at least ok. I suggest "as a matter of fact" instead.
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