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  #251  
Old 02-16-2017, 05:28 PM
DCnDC DCnDC is offline
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Peggy Bundy: "What does that toilet have that I don't?"
Al Bundy: "A job!"
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  #252  
Old 02-16-2017, 06:22 PM
Folacin Folacin is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Cheers - turns out Coach owns the MLB record for hit by pitch, which Diane doubts. He hands her a ball, goes down the hall (so out of sight) and calls out. "Go ahead! Try and miss me."

Diane of course plunks him.
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  #253  
Old 02-16-2017, 07:39 PM
Cuckoorex Cuckoorex is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2001
The Simpsons, when Moe is taking a lie detector test:

"alright sir you’re free to go."

"Good cos i got a hot date tonight."

beeeeeeeep

"a date"

beeeeeeeeeeeep

"dinner with friends"

beeeeeeeeeeepp

"dinner alone"

beeeeeeeeeeeep

"alright… i’m going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the victoria secret catalogue"

beeeeeeeeeeep

"sears catalogue"

ding!

"now would you unhook me please, I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment!"

beeeeeeeeeeeeep
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  #254  
Old 02-16-2017, 08:21 PM
simster simster is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DCnDC View Post
Peggy Bundy: "What does that toilet have that I don't?"
Al Bundy: "A job!"
Peggy: Miss me, Al?
Al : With every bullet so far....
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  #255  
Old 02-17-2017, 09:15 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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Location: New Jersey
Posts: 41,993
Paraphrased, but one of Dan Castellaneta's best guest appearances ever:

Pete: Your wife is out dancing with my husbnad
Al Bundy: Your husband?
Pete: Yes, my husband.
Al: Your husband?
Pete: Yes
Al: You know you're a guy, right?
Pete: Yes
Al: Well, you know what that means?
Pete: What?
Al: That's three guys that don't want to sleep with Peg.
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  #256  
Old 02-17-2017, 10:37 AM
Knowed Out Knowed Out is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Fred Sanford: I made a new dip. It's a mixture of Swiss cheese and Guacamole. I call it "Holy Moly."
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  #257  
Old 02-17-2017, 10:43 AM
DCnDC DCnDC is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Speaker: ...The stately 1992 Latura.
Fry: Hey, my girlfriend had one of those! Actually, it wasn't hers, it was her dad's. Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and never closed her curtains.
Leela: Fry, remember when I told you about always ending your stories a sentence earlier?
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  #258  
Old 02-17-2017, 11:39 AM
RealityChuck RealityChuck is offline
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Location: Schenectady, NY, USA
Posts: 39,757
Just last night, on Powerless:

Van's father: You are a turd in my toilet and you can't even swim!
Van: I can float.
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  #259  
Old 02-18-2017, 07:11 PM
The Other Waldo Pepper The Other Waldo Pepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Niles is in the hospital and might die; his brother, overwhelmed, prays.

"Hello, God; it's me...

[brief pause]

...Doctor Frasier Crane."
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  #260  
Old 02-18-2017, 08:39 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Quote:
Originally Posted by DCnDC View Post
Peggy Bundy: "What does that toilet have that I don't?"
Al Bundy: "A job!"
On THE SIMPSONS (going way, way back): "The Network" is considering their new Fall lineup. A "MARRIED ... WITH CHILDREN" clip comes up. "Al" and "Peg" are sitting on their sofa. A toilet is in the middle of the living room, for no apparent reason.

"PEG": (Whiney) Al, let's have sex!

"AL": (Deadpan) No, Peg.

"Al" reaches over and flushes the toilet, for no apparent reason. It goes "KER-WHOOSH," and the audience erupts in laughter and applause ... for no apparent reason.

Last edited by terentii; 02-18-2017 at 08:42 PM..
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  #261  
Old 02-18-2017, 09:51 PM
Mean Mr. Mustard Mean Mr. Mustard is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
From Curb Your Enthusiasm:

Cheryl: What happened to the cookies?
Larry: I thought they were animal cookies!
Cheryl: You ate the baby Jesus!
Larry: I thought he was a monkey!

Larry: So your last name is Black?
Loretta Black: Yes
Larry: Thatís like if my last name was Jew. Larry Jew.

Larry (to Cheryl's bald lawyer): I can call you bald. It's like black people calling each other nigger. Hey, baldie!
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  #262  
Old 02-18-2017, 10:58 PM
F. U. Shakespeare F. U. Shakespeare is offline
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Location: Baltimore or less
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Quote:
Originally Posted by terentii View Post
On THE SIMPSONS (going way, way back): "The Network" is considering their new Fall lineup. A "MARRIED ... WITH CHILDREN" clip comes up. "Al" and "Peg" are sitting on their sofa. A toilet is in the middle of the living room, for no apparent reason.

"PEG": (Whiney) Al, let's have sex!

"AL": (Deadpan) No, Peg.

"Al" reaches over and flushes the toilet, for no apparent reason. It goes "KER-WHOOSH," and the audience erupts in laughter and applause ... for no apparent reason.
That was "Homer in Space", which has many great lines.

"Quiet you!" - Blackjack-Happy NASA goon

"Sent away." - Blackjack-Happy NASA goon

"Second comes right after first!" - Buzz Aldrin

"I figured if anyone knew where to find Tang, it'd be you!" - Homer, to Bill Clinton
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  #263  
Old 02-19-2017, 01:36 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Quote:
Originally Posted by kenobi 65 View Post
Death by snu-snu!
SEINFELD

Elaine has just caved in on "The Contest" after meeting John F Kennedy, Jr:

GEORGE: What happened? I thought you'd cruise through spring, at least!

ELAINE: (Sheepishly) It was ... John-John.

GEORGE AND JERRY: Ahhh, John-John!

Last edited by terentii; 02-19-2017 at 01:38 AM..
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  #264  
Old 02-19-2017, 11:16 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
THE SIMPSONS

The one-eyed aliens Kang and Kodos ring the front doorbell. Homer answers it.

HOMER: EEK! MORMONS!
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  #265  
Old 02-20-2017, 12:36 AM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Join Date: Jul 1999
Benson
(Clayton has decided to sue Benson for slander. In court he acts as his own counsel; Benson does likewise. Clayton prepares to call Miss Kraus to the stand. She has been rehearsing for her upcoming role as emcee for a local function and has been learning some jokes.)
Clayton: I call to the stand the lovely Ms. Gretchen Kraus!
Benson: Your Honor, I object! Counsel is deluding the witness!
Judge: Objection overruled. The court calls Gretchen Kraus.
Kraus: But my line is always busy!
Benson: Your line isn't even connected!

Emergency!
(Chet Kelly has appointed himself the dietician of Station 51. He shows the other guys a diet book he follows. He says the major cause of sickness is food.)
Roy: Then it's simple. We just eliminate food from our diet!
Captain Stanley: What's the title of that book, Kelly?
Johnny: How to Survive on No Meals a Day.

Last edited by dougie_monty; 02-20-2017 at 12:41 AM..
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  #266  
Old 02-20-2017, 09:42 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
'ALLO, 'ALLO

The British spy masquerading as a gendarme orders coffee in the local bistro using his awful "French":

BRITISH SPY: Please, could I 'ave a spune for my kiffee?

FRENCH WAITRESS: (Putting a dish with a tart on the table in front of him) Here. I brought you some pee.
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  #267  
Old 02-20-2017, 10:16 AM
Enuma Elish Enuma Elish is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2001
OK - I'm drunk and grew up as a potty-mouth to make my older siblings laugh and not thrash me - but god help me - this just makes me laugh: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC8dGiuhcKE

Father Ted
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  #268  
Old 02-20-2017, 10:56 AM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Join Date: Jul 1999
Quote:
Originally Posted by terentii View Post
'ALLO, 'ALLO

The British spy masquerading as a gendarme orders coffee in the local bistro using his awful "French":
FWIW, I must point out that gendarme is not synonymous with "police officer" in French. It refers to a soldier on police duty. According to Tom Burnam, "The French word for 'policeman' is simply police. The French even pronounce it correctly."

Last edited by dougie_monty; 02-20-2017 at 10:57 AM..
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  #269  
Old 02-20-2017, 11:54 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dougie_monty View Post
FWIW, I must point out that gendarme is not synonymous with "police officer" in French. It refers to a soldier on police duty. According to Tom Burnam, "The French word for 'policeman' is simply police. The French even pronounce it correctly."
Well, pardonnez-moi!
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  #270  
Old 02-20-2017, 01:10 PM
Labtrash Labtrash is offline
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Location: Murrells Inlet, SC
Posts: 3,719
Another one from 3rd Rock from the Sun:

Big Giant Head: It was a horrible flight! There was a man on the wing of the plane!

Dick Solomon: The same thing happened to me!


One from Homer Simpson:
...and that's when the C.H.U.D.'s came after me
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  #271  
Old 02-20-2017, 01:20 PM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by terentii View Post
Well, pardonnez-moi!
Yes. As Benny Hill pointed out, "Not a lot of people know that."
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