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  #251  
Old 02-16-2017, 04:28 PM
DCnDC DCnDC is offline
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Peggy Bundy: "What does that toilet have that I don't?"
Al Bundy: "A job!"
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  #252  
Old 02-16-2017, 05:22 PM
Folacin Folacin is offline
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Cheers - turns out Coach owns the MLB record for hit by pitch, which Diane doubts. He hands her a ball, goes down the hall (so out of sight) and calls out. "Go ahead! Try and miss me."

Diane of course plunks him.
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  #253  
Old 02-16-2017, 06:39 PM
Cuckoorex Cuckoorex is offline
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The Simpsons, when Moe is taking a lie detector test:

"alright sir you’re free to go."

"Good cos i got a hot date tonight."

beeeeeeeep

"a date"

beeeeeeeeeeeep

"dinner with friends"

beeeeeeeeeeepp

"dinner alone"

beeeeeeeeeeeep

"alright… i’m going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the victoria secret catalogue"

beeeeeeeeeeep

"sears catalogue"

ding!

"now would you unhook me please, I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment!"

beeeeeeeeeeeeep
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  #254  
Old 02-16-2017, 07:21 PM
simster simster is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DCnDC View Post
Peggy Bundy: "What does that toilet have that I don't?"
Al Bundy: "A job!"
Peggy: Miss me, Al?
Al : With every bullet so far....
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  #255  
Old 02-17-2017, 08:15 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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Paraphrased, but one of Dan Castellaneta's best guest appearances ever:

Pete: Your wife is out dancing with my husbnad
Al Bundy: Your husband?
Pete: Yes, my husband.
Al: Your husband?
Pete: Yes
Al: You know you're a guy, right?
Pete: Yes
Al: Well, you know what that means?
Pete: What?
Al: That's three guys that don't want to sleep with Peg.
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  #256  
Old 02-17-2017, 09:37 AM
Knowed Out Knowed Out is online now
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Fred Sanford: I made a new dip. It's a mixture of Swiss cheese and Guacamole. I call it "Holy Moly."
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  #257  
Old 02-17-2017, 09:43 AM
DCnDC DCnDC is offline
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Speaker: ...The stately 1992 Latura.
Fry: Hey, my girlfriend had one of those! Actually, it wasn't hers, it was her dad's. Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and never closed her curtains.
Leela: Fry, remember when I told you about always ending your stories a sentence earlier?
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  #258  
Old 02-17-2017, 10:39 AM
RealityChuck RealityChuck is offline
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Just last night, on Powerless:

Van's father: You are a turd in my toilet and you can't even swim!
Van: I can float.
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  #259  
Old 02-18-2017, 06:11 PM
The Other Waldo Pepper The Other Waldo Pepper is online now
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Niles is in the hospital and might die; his brother, overwhelmed, prays.

"Hello, God; it's me...

[brief pause]

...Doctor Frasier Crane."
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  #260  
Old 02-18-2017, 07:39 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DCnDC View Post
Peggy Bundy: "What does that toilet have that I don't?"
Al Bundy: "A job!"
On THE SIMPSONS (going way, way back): "The Network" is considering their new Fall lineup. A "MARRIED ... WITH CHILDREN" clip comes up. "Al" and "Peg" are sitting on their sofa. A toilet is in the middle of the living room, for no apparent reason.

"PEG": (Whiney) Al, let's have sex!

"AL": (Deadpan) No, Peg.

"Al" reaches over and flushes the toilet, for no apparent reason. It goes "KER-WHOOSH," and the audience erupts in laughter and applause ... for no apparent reason.

Last edited by terentii; 02-18-2017 at 07:42 PM..
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  #261  
Old 02-18-2017, 08:51 PM
Mean Mr. Mustard Mean Mr. Mustard is offline
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From Curb Your Enthusiasm:

Cheryl: What happened to the cookies?
Larry: I thought they were animal cookies!
Cheryl: You ate the baby Jesus!
Larry: I thought he was a monkey!

Larry: So your last name is Black?
Loretta Black: Yes
Larry: Thatís like if my last name was Jew. Larry Jew.

Larry (to Cheryl's bald lawyer): I can call you bald. It's like black people calling each other nigger. Hey, baldie!
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  #262  
Old 02-18-2017, 09:58 PM
F. U. Shakespeare F. U. Shakespeare is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by terentii View Post
On THE SIMPSONS (going way, way back): "The Network" is considering their new Fall lineup. A "MARRIED ... WITH CHILDREN" clip comes up. "Al" and "Peg" are sitting on their sofa. A toilet is in the middle of the living room, for no apparent reason.

"PEG": (Whiney) Al, let's have sex!

"AL": (Deadpan) No, Peg.

"Al" reaches over and flushes the toilet, for no apparent reason. It goes "KER-WHOOSH," and the audience erupts in laughter and applause ... for no apparent reason.
That was "Homer in Space", which has many great lines.

"Quiet you!" - Blackjack-Happy NASA goon

"Sent away." - Blackjack-Happy NASA goon

"Second comes right after first!" - Buzz Aldrin

"I figured if anyone knew where to find Tang, it'd be you!" - Homer, to Bill Clinton
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  #263  
Old 02-19-2017, 12:36 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kenobi 65 View Post
Death by snu-snu!
SEINFELD

Elaine has just caved in on "The Contest" after meeting John F Kennedy, Jr:

GEORGE: What happened? I thought you'd cruise through spring, at least!

ELAINE: (Sheepishly) It was ... John-John.

GEORGE AND JERRY: Ahhh, John-John!

Last edited by terentii; 02-19-2017 at 12:38 AM..
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  #264  
Old 02-19-2017, 10:16 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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THE SIMPSONS

The one-eyed aliens Kang and Kodos ring the front doorbell. Homer answers it.

HOMER: EEK! MORMONS!
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  #265  
Old 02-19-2017, 11:36 PM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Benson
(Clayton has decided to sue Benson for slander. In court he acts as his own counsel; Benson does likewise. Clayton prepares to call Miss Kraus to the stand. She has been rehearsing for her upcoming role as emcee for a local function and has been learning some jokes.)
Clayton: I call to the stand the lovely Ms. Gretchen Kraus!
Benson: Your Honor, I object! Counsel is deluding the witness!
Judge: Objection overruled. The court calls Gretchen Kraus.
Kraus: But my line is always busy!
Benson: Your line isn't even connected!

Emergency!
(Chet Kelly has appointed himself the dietician of Station 51. He shows the other guys a diet book he follows. He says the major cause of sickness is food.)
Roy: Then it's simple. We just eliminate food from our diet!
Captain Stanley: What's the title of that book, Kelly?
Johnny: How to Survive on No Meals a Day.

Last edited by dougie_monty; 02-19-2017 at 11:41 PM..
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  #266  
Old 02-20-2017, 08:42 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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'ALLO, 'ALLO

The British spy masquerading as a gendarme orders coffee in the local bistro using his awful "French":

BRITISH SPY: Please, could I 'ave a spune for my kiffee?

FRENCH WAITRESS: (Putting a dish with a tart on the table in front of him) Here. I brought you some pee.
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  #267  
Old 02-20-2017, 09:16 AM
Enuma Elish Enuma Elish is offline
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OK - I'm drunk and grew up as a potty-mouth to make my older siblings laugh and not thrash me - but god help me - this just makes me laugh: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC8dGiuhcKE

Father Ted
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  #268  
Old 02-20-2017, 09:56 AM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by terentii View Post
'ALLO, 'ALLO

The British spy masquerading as a gendarme orders coffee in the local bistro using his awful "French":
FWIW, I must point out that gendarme is not synonymous with "police officer" in French. It refers to a soldier on police duty. According to Tom Burnam, "The French word for 'policeman' is simply police. The French even pronounce it correctly."

Last edited by dougie_monty; 02-20-2017 at 09:57 AM..
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  #269  
Old 02-20-2017, 10:54 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dougie_monty View Post
FWIW, I must point out that gendarme is not synonymous with "police officer" in French. It refers to a soldier on police duty. According to Tom Burnam, "The French word for 'policeman' is simply police. The French even pronounce it correctly."
Well, pardonnez-moi!
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  #270  
Old 02-20-2017, 12:10 PM
Labtrash Labtrash is offline
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Another one from 3rd Rock from the Sun:

Big Giant Head: It was a horrible flight! There was a man on the wing of the plane!

Dick Solomon: The same thing happened to me!


One from Homer Simpson:
...and that's when the C.H.U.D.'s came after me
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  #271  
Old 02-20-2017, 12:20 PM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Originally Posted by terentii View Post
Well, pardonnez-moi!
Yes. As Benny Hill pointed out, "Not a lot of people know that."
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  #272  
Old 02-25-2017, 12:22 AM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Magnum, P. I.
(Higgins is standing just inside the door to Magnum's cottage with The Lads (the Dobermans Apollo and Zeus), arguing with Magnum. Magnum makes an angry remark to Higgins.)
(The Lads growl.)

Magnum: And that goes for you, too!
(The Lads whimper.)

Last edited by dougie_monty; 02-25-2017 at 12:24 AM..
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  #273  
Old 02-25-2017, 06:12 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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'ALLO, 'ALLO (again)

Rene is trying to call London on the secret radio hidden in a bedpan under his invalid mother-in-law's bed.

RENE:
'Allo, 'allo! This is NIGHT HAWK. Can you hear me?

M-I-L: Of course I can hear you!
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  #274  
Old 02-25-2017, 06:16 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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MARRIED ... WITH CHILDREN

KELLY: Eurethra!

Last edited by terentii; 02-25-2017 at 06:17 AM..
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  #275  
Old 02-25-2017, 09:23 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Labtrash View Post
Another one from 3rd Rock from the Sun:

Big Giant Head: It was a horrible flight! There was a man on the wing of the plane!

Dick Solomon: The same thing happened to me!
Actually, the quote was "The same thing happened to MMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!" As only John Lithgow could squeal.
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  #276  
Old 02-25-2017, 09:34 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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THE SIMPSONS

Homer is auditioning for the lead in a biopic about Mr Burns. He has to deliver just one line: "Excellent!"

HOMER: Exactly! [PAUSE] D'OH!
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  #277  
Old 02-25-2017, 09:52 AM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Originally Posted by terentii View Post
MARRIED ... WITH CHILDREN

KELLY: Eurethra!
According to Kermit Schafer, an announcer blooped the introduction of a famous soul singer by calling her "Urethra Franklin"!
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  #278  
Old 02-25-2017, 10:02 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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'ALLO, 'ALLO (more)

The British spy masquerading as a policeman answers the phone at the station in his awful "French":

SPY: 'Allo? What's that? Your pissy is up a trrree?!?
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  #279  
Old 02-25-2017, 10:07 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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FAWLTY TOWERS

Basil has just learned about Manuel's pet rat.

SYBIL: Well, we can't turn him loose outside. He'll just come back into the hotel.

BASIL: Oh, that's brilliant! We ought to put you on Mastermind! "Next contestant, from Torquay: Sybil Fawlty. Subject: The bleeding obvious!"
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  #280  
Old 02-25-2017, 10:13 AM
Thudlow Boink Thudlow Boink is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by terentii View Post
masquerading as a policeman
Which reminds me of this line from The Young Ones:

"Open up! It's the pigs!"

-Neil, the hippie, who has gotten a job as a policeman
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  #281  
Old 02-25-2017, 02:42 PM
burpo the wonder mutt burpo the wonder mutt is offline
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Originally Posted by terentii View Post
MARRIED ... WITH CHILDREN

KELLY: Eurethra!
Kelly had to do a book report on "Moby Dick," and hadn't read it, so she got Bud to explain it to her, which he did by changing the names and storyline to a Gilligan's Island episode. Next afternoon, Kelly comes home very late and Bud asks how the report went.

KELLY: I got a three-hour detention. A three-hour detention.
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  #282  
Old 02-25-2017, 03:40 PM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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And who had three holes in his tail?
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  #283  
Old 02-25-2017, 03:45 PM
cochrane cochrane is offline
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On Taxi Latka tells his mother he wants to move to America. She tells him, "What do you want to move to America for? America is backwards country. They go to the toilet inside their houses. They eat chickens and keep dogs as pets."
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  #284  
Old 02-25-2017, 10:58 PM
Mister Rik Mister Rik is offline
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I've guffawed at a couple of "inside jokes" in "Netflix Original" series.

In season 2 of Fuller House, Jimmy Gibbler makes a remark about TV commercials, and then says, "If only we could watch TV without commercials. I'd pay a monthly fee for that!"

In an episode of A Series of Unfortunate Events, Count Olaf remarks that stage acting is a nobler art than, say, streaming television.
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  #285  
Old 02-26-2017, 03:17 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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Originally Posted by F. U. Shakespeare View Post
That was "Homer in Space", which has many great lines.

"Quiet you!" - Blackjack-Happy NASA goon

"Sent away." - Blackjack-Happy NASA goon

"Second comes right after first!" - Buzz Aldrin

"I figured if anyone knew where to find Tang, it'd be you!" - Homer, to Bill Clinton
KENT BROCKMAN: (Reporting on the "alien invasion") I, for one, welcome our new ant overlords!
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  #286  
Old 02-26-2017, 06:19 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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Originally Posted by kaylasdad99 View Post
Rev. Jim again: "OOOWWWWW!"

(Five minutes earlier, Louie had grabbed his ear with a pair of pliers and threatened to commit some mayhem if the crew kept making wisecracks about him. Jim just kept reading his comic book while his ear was being held hostage.)
F TROOP

A running gag:

SGT O'ROURKE: Agarn, I don't know why everybody says you're so dumb!

CPL AGARN:
(Hours later) Who says I'm dumb?!?
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  #287  
Old 02-26-2017, 08:26 AM
jtur88 jtur88 is offline
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Are the 'bots on MST3K considered to be TV characters? If so, then there are most if the funniest ones right there.

Last edited by jtur88; 02-26-2017 at 08:28 AM..
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  #288  
Old 02-26-2017, 11:05 AM
cochrane cochrane is offline
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One of my favorite Grampa Simpson quotes:

"Marge, you wouldn't know how to have fun if you were a monkey on a banana boat."
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  #289  
Old 02-26-2017, 12:32 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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CHEERS!

Two couples with the same last name are waiting for their table at Melville's. One couple is greatly obese. Coach calls upstairs to see which couple should go up.

COACH: What's that? Oh, okay. I got it. (Hangs up phone) I'm sorry, it wasn't the Andersons. It was the Blubberbutts. (Turns to address the rest of the bar) MR AND MRS BLUBBERBUTT? ARE THE BLUBBERBUTTS HERE?

Last edited by terentii; 02-26-2017 at 12:33 PM..
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  #290  
Old 02-26-2017, 01:51 PM
ThelmaLou ThelmaLou is offline
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I contributed this one in the 2012 version of this thread.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThelmaLou View Post
..On Night Court, John Laroquette's parents come to see him. They're hillbillies right off the farm. Somehow John starts talking about his childhood pet (this is as well as I can remember):

John: "His name was Skippy. He was a turtle."

The parents exchange meaningful glances.

The father says hesitantly, "Son, I've been meaning to tell you about that..."

John (alarmed): "What?"

Mother: "Son, we were too poor to afford a pet for you, so your father took a potato and painted lines on its back to make it look like a turtle."

John (really alarmed): "Nuh-AH! Skippy was a turtle!"

Mother: "Well, didn't you ever wonder why he never stuck his head out of his shell?"

John (whiny): "He was shy."

Father (earnestly): "No, son. [pause] He was a spud."
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  #291  
Old 02-26-2017, 02:23 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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My favorite Dan Fielding moment was his look of startled recognition when an old woman defendant was revealed to be the hot voice on a sex-over-the-phone service:

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  #292  
Old 02-27-2017, 01:33 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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CHEERS!

Frasier reacts indignantly to a suggestion by Sam:

FRASIER: I'll have you know I never subjected Diane to electroshock treatment when I was her psychiatrist! [PAUSE] Of course, now I wish I had....

(This was years after Shelly Long had left the show.)
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  #293  
Old 02-27-2017, 01:56 PM
Biggirl Biggirl is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cochrane View Post
One of my favorite Grampa Simpson quotes:

"Marge, you wouldn't know how to have fun if you were a monkey on a banana boat."
My favorite Grandpa Simpson line: My son is not a communist! He may be s list, a cheat and a communist, but he's not a porn star!
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  #294  
Old 02-27-2017, 02:01 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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Originally Posted by Biggirl View Post
My favorite Grandpa Simpson line: My son is not a communist! He may be s list, a cheat and a communist, but he's not a porn star!
HOMER: Now, now. Grandpa was just having a senior moment.
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  #295  
Old 02-27-2017, 02:09 PM
Biggirl Biggirl is online now
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Originally Posted by Biggirl View Post
My favorite Grandpa Simpson line: My son is not a communist! He may be s list, a cheat and a communist, but he's not a porn star!
Dang it, too late for edit-- . . .He may be a liar, a cheat and a communist. . .
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  #296  
Old 02-27-2017, 02:11 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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Originally Posted by Biggirl View Post
Dang it, too late for edit-- . . .He may be a liar, a cheat and a communist. . .
Now, now. You were just having a senior moment.
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  #297  
Old 02-27-2017, 03:54 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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Originally Posted by Enuma Elish View Post
OK - I'm drunk and grew up as a potty-mouth to make my older siblings laugh and not thrash me - but god help me - this just makes me laugh: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC8dGiuhcKE

Father Ted
There's a difference between feck and fuck?
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  #298  
Old 02-27-2017, 04:00 PM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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On Dharma and Greg, Dharma has a statue of a white bird that she gives to the couple who has sex in the oddest place, calling it the Duck Award. When her strait-laced in-laws end up having sex on the courthouse steps, she gives it to the her mother-in-law, Kitty.

Kitty: It's not even a duck. It's a goose. Why do you call it the Duck Award?
Dharma: Because goose doesn't rhyme.
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  #299  
Old 02-27-2017, 05:34 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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MOVIE MACABRE

The movie of the week is a Portuguese zombie flick bordering on soft-core Europorn.

ELVIRA: (Just before the commercial break) In Portugal, what do they call women who like other women? Lis-be-ons?
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  #300  
Old 02-27-2017, 08:50 PM
Mean Mr. Mustard Mean Mr. Mustard is offline
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From Frasier:

Maris' brother is visiting the Cranes, recounting a near death accident that, allegedly, made him find religion...

Brother (from a wheelchair): It happened when I saw the sign.
Daphne: From Jesus?
Brother: No, from the highway department. It said Dead End. I crashed into it. Then I saw a light.
Daphne: Heaven?
Brother: No, from the CAT scan. Then I heard a voice.
Daphne: The doctor?
Brother: No, God.
Niles, to Daphne: Keep trying, you'll get one.

(paraphrased)


mmm
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