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  #51  
Old 02-06-2017, 12:59 PM
Mixolydian Mixolydian is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Biffy the Elephant Shrew View Post
German tourist: Will you stop talking about the war!
Basil Fawlty: Me? You started it.
German tourist: We did not start it!
Basil Fawlty: Yes you did, you invaded Poland.
(sorry, too much backstory to explain the line, you'll have to see the episode)

Basil Fawlty: Manuel, Manuel, you remember I had some money yesterday, the money I won on the horse?
Manuel: Ah, si, yes....
Basil: Tell Mrs. Richards, tell her I had the money yesterday...
Manuel: (clears throat)...I know NAAAA-THING...

Last edited by Mixolydian; 02-06-2017 at 01:01 PM..
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  #52  
Old 02-06-2017, 01:09 PM
kenobi 65 kenobi 65 is offline
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In Star Trek: The Next Generation, Worf got a lot of the best lines.

****

Worf: Sir, I protest! I am *not* a merry man!

****

Worf: That is how the Klingon lures a mate.

Wesley: Are you telling me to go yell at Salia?

Worf: No. Men do not roar. Women roar. Then they hurl heavy objects...and claw at you.

Wesley: What does the man do?

Worf: He reads love poetry. (pause) He ducks a lot.

****

Guinan: It's an Earth drink. Prune juice.

Worf (eyes light up): A warrior's drink!

****

Riker: How did you like command?

Worf: Comfortable chair.

****

Rishon Uxbridge: Well, what do you think, Mr. Worf?

Worf: Good tea. (pause) Nice house.

Last edited by kenobi 65; 02-06-2017 at 01:10 PM..
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  #53  
Old 02-06-2017, 01:09 PM
Steve MB Steve MB is offline
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I remember a couple from an episode of Justice League where Flash and Lex Luthor accidentally get mind-swapped. Flash is absolutely terrible at acting like Luthor (fortunately, most of the other villains just think he's just temporarily loopy from a failed mind-probe attempt):

(as Flash/Luthor exists the rest room where he'd been hiding out trying to think what to do next)
Dr. Polaris: (coughs) You gonna wash your hands?
Flash/Luthor: No -- 'cause I'm evil!

(at the pre-heist meeting)
Flash/Luthor: (ahem) My fellow bad guys, I, Lex Luthor, your leader, will speak now about my, Lex Luthor's, plan. My villainous, villainous plan! Question the plan at your peril! (pause) Ahhh... any questions?
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  #54  
Old 02-06-2017, 01:17 PM
The Other Waldo Pepper The Other Waldo Pepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Steve MB View Post
I remember a couple from an episode of Justice League where Flash and Lex Luthor accidentally get mind-swapped. Flash is absolutely terrible at acting like Luthor (fortunately, most of the other villains just think he's just temporarily loopy from a failed mind-probe attempt):

(as Flash/Luthor exists the rest room where he'd been hiding out trying to think what to do next)
Dr. Polaris: (coughs) You gonna wash your hands?
Flash/Luthor: No -- 'cause I'm evil!

(at the pre-heist meeting)
Flash/Luthor: (ahem) My fellow bad guys, I, Lex Luthor, your leader, will speak now about my, Lex Luthor's, plan. My villainous, villainous plan! Question the plan at your peril! (pause) Ahhh... any questions?
A smug Lex Luthor, in Flash's body, triumphantly unmasks and looks in a mirror.

[pause] "I have no idea who this is."
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  #55  
Old 02-06-2017, 01:34 PM
cochrane cochrane is offline
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From the Night Court episode in which Bull gets married. Harry Stone is officiating.

Harry: Do you, Bull, take Wanda for your lawful wedded wife in sickness and health, for richer and poorer, for better or worse, until death do you part?
Bull: O-kay.

Harry asks the same question of Wanda, who also replies, "O-kay."
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  #56  
Old 02-06-2017, 01:52 PM
Max Torque Max Torque is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Other Waldo Pepper View Post
A smug Lex Luthor, in Flash's body, triumphantly unmasks and looks in a mirror.

[pause] "I have no idea who this is."
Along similar lines, one I'll always remember: the heroes are fleeing from some horrible menace and have holed up in a department store. Batman suggests they all take their costumes off, dress normally, and stroll out casually.

Flash balks. "I don't know if I'm comfortable with you all knowing my secret identity."
Batman: (exasperated pause, then points at Flash) "Wally West." (points at Superman) "Clark Kent." (takes his own cowl off) "Bruce Wayne."

I wanted to add this one from Cheers, which I use in real life when I can.

Woody: "How's the world treatin' you, Mr. Peterson?"
Norm: "Like a dog treats a fire hydrant."
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  #57  
Old 02-06-2017, 01:54 PM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Originally Posted by Son of a Rich View Post
Archie: "That's something the hebes do. They change their last names but keep their first names so that they'll still recognize each other."

Mike: "Whaddya mean, Arch?"

Archie: "Well, you take a guy like Isaac Schwartz. He changes 'Schwartz' to 'Smith' but he leaves Isaac. So he's Isaac Smith. Jacob Cohen, he becomes Jacob Kane. See?"

Mike (sarcastically): "Yeah, I see what you mean, Arch. Like Abraham . . . Lincoln."

Pause.

Edith: "I didn't know Lincoln was Jewish."
I think that goes:
Mike: Archie, why does Majeski have to be Polish? He could be Russian or Jewish.
Archie: He ain't Jewish.
Mike: How do you know?
Archie: His first name is John and them Hebes don't name their kids John.
Mike: He could have changed it.
Archie: They don't change their first name, just their last name! Two guys meet on the street. One says, "How do you do? My name is Smith--Morris Smith." Right away, they know! Like Sol Nelson...Izzy Watson...
Mike: Abe Lincoln.
Edith: I didn't know Lincoln was Jewish.
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  #58  
Old 02-06-2017, 02:02 PM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Another All in the Family bit:

From the episode Gloria's Boyfriend: (George Bushmill, the boxboy from the local grocery store, has been fired for staying at the Bunkers' house too long. His father comes to the Bunkers' house, and Archie has inspired Mike to tell him he should be in the Guinness Book of World Records: "Most stupid remarks made in a single day!")
Bushmill: Let's get something straight, Bunker! My boy [George] don't have to weave baskets, understand?! He's gonna make it on his own like his brother!
Archie: Ah geez, you got another one like that?
Bushmill: It don't run in families, see? In fact, George's brother just passed his bar exam!
Archie: Yeah? Where does he tend bar?
Mike: You just broke your own record!
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  #59  
Old 02-06-2017, 02:25 PM
Alma Alma is offline
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From Bob's Burgers, Tina's long uttered "uhhhhhhhhhhhh" when she gets to drive and slowly runs into the only other car in the lot.
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  #60  
Old 02-06-2017, 03:41 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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nm

Last edited by terentii; 02-06-2017 at 03:42 PM..
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  #61  
Old 02-06-2017, 03:51 PM
Dr. Strangelove Dr. Strangelove is offline
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Michael: It is going to be up in Tahoe for another couple of days. Maybe you could take a date up there.
Lucille: How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?
... long pause ...
... even longer ...
Michael: ...the cabin, yes. That would be difficult, too.
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  #62  
Old 02-06-2017, 04:10 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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MTM:

Lou Grant: You got spunk! I HATE SPUNK!
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  #63  
Old 02-06-2017, 04:34 PM
zamboniracer zamboniracer is offline
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Possibly the only funny line ever on "The Love Boat": Jimmy (J.J.) Walker plays an exterminator sneaking onto the ship to pursue his lady love, and yelling back at the person who's house he is supposed to be working at, "Don't worry about your termites, Lady, because when the house falls down it'll kill them!"



From "Hogan's Heroes", as Newkirk undergoes a medical exam prior to being drafted into the German Army:

German Doctor, to Newkirk: Sit in the brown chair.
Newkirk sits in the brown chair.
German Doctor: Eyesight, perfect!

Newkirk: Wait a minute, don't you want to look at my blood?
German Doctor: Why, are you bleeding?
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  #64  
Old 02-06-2017, 04:34 PM
f.coli f.coli is offline
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From Star Trek TOS

Spock: My congratulations, Captain - a dazzling display of logic.
Capt. Kirk: You didn't think I had it in me, did you, Spock?
Spock: [deadpan] No, sir.
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  #65  
Old 02-06-2017, 04:35 PM
The Other Waldo Pepper The Other Waldo Pepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Barkis is Willin' View Post
From the Arrested Development episode,
"No one was making fun of Andy Griffith. I can't emphasize that enough."
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  #66  
Old 02-06-2017, 04:48 PM
cochrane cochrane is offline
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From Night Court again, any time John Astin appeared:

"But I'm feeling much better now!"
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  #67  
Old 02-06-2017, 04:49 PM
DSYoungEsq DSYoungEsq is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kenobi 65 View Post
From Soap:

Jodie: Plato was gay.
Jessica (astonished): Mickey Mouse's dog was gay??
Jodie: Goofy was his lover.
I have never laughed harder watching TV than when I watched that episode. That line was classic! And for 1977, it was !!!
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  #68  
Old 02-06-2017, 04:58 PM
DSYoungEsq DSYoungEsq is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cochrane View Post
From Night Court again, any time John Astin appeared:

"But I'm feeling much better now!"
Any Night Court funny lines/moments compilation must include Bob and June Wheeler.

"Stampede".
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  #69  
Old 02-06-2017, 05:58 PM
Mean Mr. Mustard Mean Mr. Mustard is offline
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From the under-appreciated Raising Hope:

(and I forget who said it)

"Some people like their glory in pieces, but not me. I like my glory whole".


mmm
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  #70  
Old 02-06-2017, 06:44 PM
buddha_david buddha_david is offline
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From 24, Jack Bauer: "I'm gonna need a hacksaw."

(Well, it made *me* laugh...)

From Arrested Development:
Michael [to Gob]: Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready!

From Home Improvement:
Tim: How long has the oil light been on, Jill?
Jill: [Puzzled] Oil light?
Tim: The oil light. Uh, next to the speedometer. Little red light with an oil can on it.
Jill: Oh! That thing! I don't know. Two or three days.
Tim: Two or three days?! It's a warning light! Didn't it occur to you that there might be a little problem?
Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car that the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.
Tim: A buzzer?! It's a car not a game show!

From The Simpsons:

Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun! I will do the next best thing: Block it out.
Smithers: Good God!
Mr. Burns: Imagine it, Smithers. Electrical lights and heaters running all day long.
Smithers: But, sir! Every plant and tree will die! Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting!
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  #71  
Old 02-06-2017, 06:56 PM
CaptMurdock CaptMurdock is offline
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Friends

(Monica's prom video, showing a very overweight teenage Monica);

Present Monica: "The camera puts on ten pounds."

Chandler: "How many cameras are on you?"

---

(After Monica accidentally bonks Ross' son's head, she and Rachel bonk their heads against a pillar to show it's no big deal -- and so the kid won't rat them out.)

Rachel: "Y'know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it."

------
Star Trek: TOS

"The Trouble With Tribbles."

Spock (responding to a rhetorical "did you hear what I said" aimed at Kirk) "He could not believe his ears."

It's Shatner's quick "say what - never mind" take that makes it work.
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  #72  
Old 02-06-2017, 07:08 PM
zamboniracer zamboniracer is offline
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One more from Cheers:

Diane Chambers: There's the old philosophical question, if a tree falls in the forest and nobody's there, does it make a sound?

Coach Ernie Pantuso: Well, if nobody's there, how do they know it fell? Maybe some beavers set it there.
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  #73  
Old 02-06-2017, 07:17 PM
Steve MB Steve MB is offline
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Kirk: My friend... is obviously Chinese. (pause) I see you've noticed the ears. They're... actually easy to explain.... (stalls)
Spock: Perhaps the unfortunate accident I had as a child--
Kirk: --the unfortunate accident he had as a child. He caught his head in a mechanical... rice picker... but, fortunately, there was an American missionary living close by who was actually a, uh, skilled, uh, plastic surgeon in civilian life....
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Last edited by Steve MB; 02-06-2017 at 07:18 PM..
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  #74  
Old 02-06-2017, 07:19 PM
jtur88 jtur88 is offline
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On MASH:

Radar: You could be sent to Leavenworth if you get caught doing that.
Winchester: Good God -- that's in Kansas!

Mad About You:

Jamie: How are you getting along (licking envelope flaps on a big stack of invitations)
Paul: If I had two tongues, I'd be the happiest person in the world.
Jamie: Second happiest.

Last edited by jtur88; 02-06-2017 at 07:20 PM..
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  #75  
Old 02-06-2017, 07:52 PM
Trancephalic Trancephalic is offline
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“I’m a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!” -Homer Simpson
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  #76  
Old 02-06-2017, 10:23 PM
Yllaria Yllaria is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ukulele Ike View Post
You guys are all too NORMAL. I propose this exchange, from the 2001 live-action series, THE TICK. . . .
Ah, the Tick. I'll remember this one 'til my dying day.

Slide show. Boring. Losing. Consciousness.

Then there was the time that Multiple Santa got an electrical overload from the dynamos at the dam (electric shocks caused him to create doubles of himself). All of the duplicate Santas came tumbling down the river toward the Tick and Arthur.

Tick: Oh, by god! It's a Yule Tide!!!
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  #77  
Old 02-06-2017, 10:32 PM
mixdenny mixdenny is offline
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This is from real life, but it fits in here perfectly. Someone had placed a C clamp in the vise in the shop and had been heating something in it with a torch. They left it there and it was still very hot.

Bob walks up to remove it, spins the vise handle and grabs the clamp. He immediately flings it away.

I saw the whole thing and asked, "Did you get burned?"

Bob replied, "Nope. Just doesn't take me very long to look at a C clamp."

Dennis

Last edited by mixdenny; 02-06-2017 at 10:33 PM..
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  #78  
Old 02-06-2017, 10:58 PM
Snowboarder Bo Snowboarder Bo is offline
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Originally Posted by mixdenny View Post
This is from real life, but it fits in here perfectly.
No, it doesn't. In fact, it doesn't fit in there at all. It's pretty much the opposite of what this thread is about in every way.

Last edited by Snowboarder Bo; 02-06-2017 at 10:58 PM..
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  #79  
Old 02-07-2017, 12:37 AM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Mary Tyler Moore
(Episode in which one of Mary's joke obituaries got announced on the air.
Mr. Grant suspended Mary for a week. Before the week was up she came into the newsroom on the verge of tears.)

Mr. Grant: It hasn't been a picnic around here, Mary! Everyone mad at me for what I did to you! Glaring at me over their coffee cups! (Pause) Somebody came in here last night--and broke all my pencil points!

Andy Griffith Show
(Deputy Warren Ferguson decides to convince Otis Campbell, the town drunk, to take up mosaic art instead of drinking. His first work was a hideous picture of a bull.
(Now Otis, totally sozzled, staggers into the sheriff's office and shows Andy and Warren his latest mosaic work--a magnificent countryside scene that any museum would love to display.)

Otis: I've foun' that I do muh bes' work when I'm jus' a li'l bit gassed.
(Warren frowns and moans.)
Otis: Oh, don't feel bad! Now I got TWO hobbiesh!
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  #80  
Old 02-07-2017, 02:16 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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GILLIGAN'S ISLAND

The castaways find out the island is sinking:

MR HOWELL: Quick, Lovey! Let's see if we can't think of some way we can take it with us!

On the subject of money:

PROFESSOR: Mrs Howell, money cannot buy happiness!

MR HOWELL: Well, it's certainly kept me smiling for years!

MRS HOWELL: Anyone who says money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop!
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  #81  
Old 02-07-2017, 02:24 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE

R&B have just been blown out of a building in an elevator at night, only to land in a river where they're now floating downstream in the dark:

BULLWINKLE: Gee, Rocky! I never thought it'd be like this!

ROCKY: What?

BULLWINKLE: *Heaven!*

ROCKY: Bullwinkle, this isn't Heaven!

BULLWINKLE: It's not?!?

ROCKY: No!

BULLWINKLE: (Shivering) Then why is it so cold?!?
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  #82  
Old 02-07-2017, 02:29 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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BASIL FAWLTY: Thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much!
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  #83  
Old 02-07-2017, 02:42 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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LAUREL AND HARDY IN BLOCKHEADS
(I saw it in TV, so it must count!)

Stan and Ollie haven't seen each other for 20 years:

STAN: You remember how dumb I used to be? I'm better now!
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  #84  
Old 02-07-2017, 02:46 AM
terentii terentii is offline
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THREE'S COMPANY
(A look, not a line.)

Larry mistakenly hits on a woman old enough to be his grandmother, thinking he's helping Jack get out of a jam. The woman is furious:

WOMAN: (To Helen Roper) How would you like it if some young man tried to seduce you?!?

The expression on Helen's face shows exactly how she'd feel:
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  #85  
Old 02-07-2017, 04:40 AM
cochrane cochrane is offline
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Al Bundy coming home from work: "I wish the world was a fly and I was a giant rolled up newspaper!"

Al checking his mail: "Oh, look. It says here I may already owe Ed McMahon $10,000,000."
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  #86  
Old 02-07-2017, 04:52 AM
Mean Mr. Mustard Mean Mr. Mustard is offline
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Another from Cheers (paraphrased from memory):


Frasier: Methinks someone protests too much

Woody: Shouldn't that be 'I think', Dr. Crane?

Diane: Not in your case Woody
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  #87  
Old 02-07-2017, 06:34 AM
carlb carlb is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kenobi 65 View Post
In Star Trek: The Next Generation, Worf got a lot of the best lines.

****

Worf: Sir, I protest! I am *not* a merry man!

****

Worf: That is how the Klingon lures a mate.

Wesley: Are you telling me to go yell at Salia?

Worf: No. Men do not roar. Women roar. Then they hurl heavy objects...and claw at you.

Wesley: What does the man do?

Worf: He reads love poetry. (pause) He ducks a lot.

****

Guinan: It's an Earth drink. Prune juice.

Worf (eyes light up): A warrior's drink!

****

Riker: How did you like command?

Worf: Comfortable chair.

****

Rishon Uxbridge: Well, what do you think, Mr. Worf?

Worf: Good tea. (pause) Nice house.
Worf's best line was in "Deja Q" S3E13, after Q has appeared on the Enterprise, claiming to have been made human as punishment. Of course, nobody believes him.

Q: "What must I do to convince you people!?"

Worf: "Die."

It's the combination of Dorn's completely serious, deadpan delivery, and the grin on Jonathon Frakes' face as he turns to look at Worf. Makes me think that either Frakes hadn't read the script, or wasn't quite prepared for Dorn's line reading - it's so perfect a reaction.
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  #88  
Old 02-07-2017, 07:02 AM
Typo Knig Typo Knig is offline
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From Corner Gas, IMNAAHO the funniest sitcom ever!

BRENT: Face it, Dad, you're ornery.
OSCAR: I am not ornery!
BRENT: You once punched a skunk.
OSCAR: He had it coming!!
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  #89  
Old 02-07-2017, 07:25 AM
Kamino Neko Kamino Neko is offline
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Originally Posted by Ukulele Ike View Post
I propose this exchange, from the 2001 live-action series, THE TICK.
Nah, the best Tick line is from the animated series. Tick and Arthur and being interviewed, and the interviewer asks what Tick's powers are, but Tick doesn't seem to actually know, so the interviewer keeps throwing out suggestions, finally getting to...

<Interviewer> Do you have the power to destroy the Earth?
<Tick> Ye GADS! I hope not...that's where I keep all my stuff!

I find surprisingly many opportunities to use that line in my life.
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  #90  
Old 02-07-2017, 07:29 AM
Kamino Neko Kamino Neko is offline
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Oops, nm...seem to have missed that I was beaten to this one.

Last edited by Kamino Neko; 02-07-2017 at 07:30 AM..
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  #91  
Old 02-07-2017, 07:31 AM
Shoeless Shoeless is offline
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Another from Night Court, the episode where we meet Bull's mother and discover that Bull's real name is "Nostradamus".

Bull's mom: "I always did love that old hunchback."

Fielding: "But I thought..."

Bull shoots him an exasperated look: "Don't."
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  #92  
Old 02-07-2017, 07:40 AM
Kamino Neko Kamino Neko is offline
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Oh, that reminds me of a Night Court related one from Facts of Life...

The characters are in Hollywood, and a couple of the girls (Tootie and Natalie, IIRC), have a brief encounter with Richard Moll, and are telling the other girls about it later.

<Probably Blaire> That's Bull!
<Natalie> No, it's true, I swear!
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  #93  
Old 02-07-2017, 09:00 AM
RealityChuck RealityChuck is offline
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Rocky and Bullwinkle
(The Wossamatta U football team is challenged to a game with a women's college)

Bullwinkle: "What kind of games can we play with girls?"
Rocky: "It's too bad we're a kiddie show." (pause) "Parcheesi!"
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  #94  
Old 02-07-2017, 09:06 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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Night Court: A lawsuit involving a blow up doll that "busted a boob." The manufacturer says it couldn't happen, and starts blowing up the doll to prove it.

Dan: Do you know how long that's going to take.
Harry: No (pause) But I bet you do!
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  #95  
Old 02-07-2017, 09:37 AM
Steve MB Steve MB is offline
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One I recall from Kim Possible:

Shego: Not to seem ungrateful, Junior, but why did you break me out of prison?*
Señor Senior Junior: Well, my father's birthday is coming up and--
Shego: Hold it right there, slick. I don't do cakes, okay? I don't bake 'em, and I don't jump out of 'em!

As with the Soap example above, part of the effect was "they got away with that joke?" Apparently the writers were surprised at that, too.

*A couple episodes in the fourth season had this "another villain busts Shego out and ignores Drakken, who rants and rages at the slight" bit.
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Last edited by Steve MB; 02-07-2017 at 09:40 AM..
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  #96  
Old 02-07-2017, 10:03 AM
mbh mbh is offline
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The Muppet Show
Floyd Pepper: Kermit! Kermit! Animal took up bowling!
Kermit: Well, that's a nice safe sport.
Floyd: You don't understand! Animal bowls overhand!
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  #97  
Old 02-07-2017, 10:47 AM
RealityChuck RealityChuck is offline
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Join Date: Apr 1999
Location: Schenectady, NY, USA
Posts: 40,082
From The Good Place:

Eleanor: What a condescending bench!
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  #98  
Old 02-07-2017, 11:15 AM
Soylent Juicy Soylent Juicy is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Typo Knig View Post
From Corner Gas, IMNAAHO the funniest sitcom ever!
My favourite Corner Gas quote was when they were talking about Canadian TV shows and someone mentioned Street Legal and Oscar goes "Street Legal sucked!"

(the actor who played Oscar previously played Leon on Street Legal.)
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  #99  
Old 02-07-2017, 12:29 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
From the episode of Night Court with the beauty pageant contestants:

Bull decides to hit on Miss Sweden.

BULL: Hi! My name is Bull.

The girl is baffled. Bull pulls out his pocket notebook and draws her a quick picture.

BULL: See? Bull!

The girl thinks she understands and starts babbling in Swedish as she mimes milking a cow.

BULL: No, no! (He adds a detail to the sketch.) BULL!

The girl looks again at the picture and is scandalized!
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  #100  
Old 02-07-2017, 12:48 PM
WOOKINPANUB WOOKINPANUB is offline
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Join Date: May 2005
Ross Geller's feeble attempt to flirt with the pizza delivery girl on Friends.

Ross: You know that smell that gas has?
Delivery Girl (looking confused) What?
Ross: The smell of the gas. They add that so you know when there's a leak.
Delivery Girl: Well, alriiiiiiight
Ross: A lot of other gas smells
In the background the rest of the gang looks horrified and Chandler deadpans " Oh the humanity".

Probably doesn't seem funny in writing but I cannot watch that scene without laughing my ass off.
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