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  #201  
Old 02-10-2017, 09:40 PM
Biggirl Biggirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
Just Shoot Me! - Slow Donnie:

Jack: Hey, Donnie. I think I finally have these tubes figured out.
Donnie DiMauro: [quietly] Kill me now.
Jack: See, it's hot air that pushes things through the tubes.
Donnie DiMauro: Donnie says vacuum.
Jack: Boy, when you get an idea in your head, you stick to it like taffy. See, when air gets hot, it rises.
Donnie DiMauro: Vacuum!
Jack: No, hot air. It's what causes a Pop-Tart to pop out of the toaster, or how helicopters...
Donnie DiMauro: [normal voice] Oh, for the love of God! It's not hot air! It's not magnets! It's a vacuum, Jacko! Like a straw! You ever use a straw, huh, lab partner? Air taken out from one end is replaced from the other end, that creates air pressure that propels things through the freaking tubes!
[Notices everyone is looking]
Donnie DiMauro: [slow Donnie voice] I love you, tubes.
[everyone still stares]
Donnie DiMauro: Green quarter.
[still staring]
Donnie DiMauro: Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pie!
Elliot: Donnie, what the hell?
Donnie DiMauro: [normal voice] Oh, crap. Now I gotta get a job.
Still one of the funniest scenes ever, ever! Still sing the chicken pot song to hubby when I want him to do something I'm quite capable of but don't wanna do.
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  #202  
Old 02-10-2017, 09:44 PM
cochrane cochrane is offline
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Zapp Brannigan: If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
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  #203  
Old 02-10-2017, 09:49 PM
kunilou kunilou is offline
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Big Bang Theory

Amy: One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical.
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  #204  
Old 02-10-2017, 10:17 PM
cochrane cochrane is offline
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The Drew Carey Show:

Drew, Lewis, Oswald, and Kate sneak into Lewis's employer, DrugCo, to look for Drew's dog, which has been given a drug to treat cataracts. The dog has been missing for a week. Drew and Lewis enter a room with an animal that looks like a cross between a gorilla and hippopotamus. Lewis reads a sign next to the door. "It says here, it's called a monkapotamus." Drew responds, "Why would anybody want to combine the digestive system of a hippopotamus with the throwing strength of an ape?"
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  #205  
Old 02-10-2017, 10:29 PM
CelticKnot CelticKnot is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Annie-Xmas View Post
Emily Hartley: Bob! Bob, wake up. You're having a nightmare.
On my list of funniest ever moments in TV history: last scene of Newhart when Bob wakes up and describes his dream of Vermont. Then Suzanne Pleshette sits up next to him!
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  #206  
Old 02-10-2017, 10:57 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kenobi 65 View Post
Death by snu-snu!
Alriiiiiiiight!
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  #207  
Old 02-10-2017, 10:59 PM
CelticKnot CelticKnot is offline
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OK, not the line but the timing...

Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In

"News of future 20 years from now... President Ronald Reagan..."
Pause of at least a minute while the audience laughs uproariously.

What made it so funny to me was that I was watching it on Nick at Night in college. It really was 20 years in the future and Ronald Reagan was president!
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  #208  
Old 02-10-2017, 11:24 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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BIZARRE

SUPER DAVE OSBORNE'S MOST DANGEROUS STUNT: INSULTING MR T


SUPER DAVE: (Reading from index cards) "In Rocky III, they called you 'Clubber Lang.' Now that I see you in person, it should have been 'Blubber Lang.'"

[NO REACTION]

"Where do you get your hair cut? In a pet shop?"

[AGAIN, NO REACTION]

"You know something? I'd have trouble picking you out in a room full of faggots!"

[STILL NO REACTION]

"What's black and grey and rolls around in the parking lot at McDonald's? Mr T and a pigeon fighting over an old French fry."

*I shall leave you to watch the entire sketch and its climax here:*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duj35NdOvnU

Last edited by terentii; 02-10-2017 at 11:28 PM..
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  #209  
Old 02-11-2017, 01:23 AM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by terentii View Post
<snip>
NARRATOR: Chinook---a cold wind that blows out of the north. <snip>
[Tedious pedant hat ON]A chinook is a warm wind that blows out of the west.[/TPH]

Quote:
Originally Posted by gaffa View Post
I don't know if it will work out of context, but on line that had my wife and myself in hysterics was when a mustache appeared on the Tick's face, and he discovered it had the ability to move around independently

Arthur! My mustache is touching my brain!
We loved The Tick so much - we still quote from the show regularly.

My contribution from "Friends" -
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Ross: Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.
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  #210  
Old 02-11-2017, 04:34 AM
ExTank ExTank is offline
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Firefly: Darn.
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  #211  
Old 02-11-2017, 08:55 AM
enipla enipla is offline
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Another 'Friends'

Joey: All right, Rach. The big question is, "does he like you?" All right? Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo point.
Rachel: Huh. A moo point?
Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
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  #212  
Old 02-11-2017, 12:07 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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If you want to disappear down the "Friends" funny quotes for a couple of hours.

I don't remember a lot of funny lines from "Family Ties," but this one still makes me grin when I think of it -
Elyse is practicing a song for the PBS pledge drive. She's hugely pregnant. She is having trouble reaching one of the high notes in the song, as she practices and some stage hands work around her. As she's singing and playing guitar, she goes into labour as she reaches the high note in the song, and gives a bloodcurdling shriek. The stage hand observes, "You really nailed it that time!"

Last edited by Cat Whisperer; 02-11-2017 at 12:07 PM..
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  #213  
Old 02-11-2017, 02:03 PM
Left Hand of Dorkness Left Hand of Dorkness is offline
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Originally Posted by ExTank View Post
Firefly: Darn.
Oh, yes. The instant I knew the show was a keeper.
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  #214  
Old 02-11-2017, 11:26 PM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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M*A*S*H
(General Barker [Sorrell Booke] is looking for Hawkeye. He finds Radar at Henry's desk, smoking a cigar and drinking brandy.)
General: Corporal! What are you doing?
Radar: Doing, Sir?
General: D-O-I-N-G! What are you doing?
Radar: I'm listening to you spell "doing," Sir.
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  #215  
Old 02-12-2017, 04:13 AM
Enuma Elish Enuma Elish is offline
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MASH: I don't remember the entire scene, but Hawkeye and Frank have been going at each other. Frank responds to a Hawkeye jab with: "You ... You ...." Hawkeye responds: "Who you calling a youyou?"
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  #216  
Old 02-12-2017, 09:56 AM
TCMF-2L TCMF-2L is offline
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Back when I was watching it I used to get a laugh from Lexx. Trouble is writing down 'The dead do not poo' it doesn't look quite so funny. I guess you had to be there.

Equally the Brunnen-G fight song played as a piano based pub shanty was hilarious back then.

It was a different time.

TCMF-2L
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  #217  
Old 02-12-2017, 09:57 AM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Enuma Elish View Post
MASH: I don't remember the entire scene, but Hawkeye and Frank have been going at each other. Frank responds to a Hawkeye jab with: "You ... You ...." Hawkeye responds: "Who you calling a youyou?"
Daffy Duck said the same thing to Elmer Fudd once.
In another episode of M*A*S*H, Frank approaches a local peddler and says angrily, "Hey, you! That watch you sold me runs backwards!"
The peddler says, "Try other wrist!"
So Frank does!

Last edited by dougie_monty; 02-12-2017 at 09:58 AM..
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  #218  
Old 02-12-2017, 12:07 PM
River Hippie River Hippie is offline
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Friends, Rachel iirc.

"Yesterday I was at rock bottom. Today, there's rock bottom then 50ft. of crap and then me."

Lithgow on Third Rock From The Sun. (Paraphrased from memory.)

"Time to apply the electrodes of learning to the nipples of ignorance".
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  #219  
Old 02-12-2017, 12:25 PM
teela brown teela brown is online now
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M*A*S*H:

Hawkeye tosses his dirty underwear over the barrier that Charles has erected between himself and the two other surgeons. The underwear is tossed right back.

B.J.: You've got to stop buying that boomerang brand.
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  #220  
Old 02-12-2017, 01:08 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat Whisperer View Post
[Tedious pedant hat ON]A chinook is a warm wind that blows out of the west.[/TPH]
In CANADA?!? Nothing is warm in Canada!
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  #221  
Old 02-12-2017, 02:03 PM
River Hippie River Hippie is offline
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My memory's not so hot today but I remember really liking TRFTS, the first few seasons, anyway. I cheated and went to the quotes page at IMDb.
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  #222  
Old 02-13-2017, 08:18 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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Homer Simpson: He did it cause he's stupid. That's the only reason anyone does anything.

I think that line's truer than we'd like to admit.
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  #223  
Old 02-13-2017, 11:06 AM
Sir T-Cups Sir T-Cups is offline
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You guys have the funny lines, but you're missing the funny lines after the funny lines!

Quote:
Originally Posted by kenobi 65 View Post
Death by snu-snu!
Fry: But I don't wanna die by snu-snu!
Zapp: What are you, gay?
Quote:
Originally Posted by enipla View Post
Another 'Friends'

Joey: All right, Rach. The big question is, "does he like you?" All right? Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo point.
Rachel: Huh. A moo point?
Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long, or did that make sense?
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  #224  
Old 02-13-2017, 11:31 AM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Laverne & Shirley
Lenny has inherited the diner Lazlo's Place from his late uncle. He and Squiggy renamed it "Dead Lazlo's Place." The girls have tried to run the business, but have not done well at it. Lenny and Squiggly have been bargaining with Frank DeFazio to sell the place to him.)
Lenny: Are you still gonna call it "Dead Lazlo's Place"?
Frank: No!
Lenny: Good, I need the sign. Lazlo ain't got no tombstone.

Last edited by dougie_monty; 02-13-2017 at 11:32 AM..
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  #225  
Old 02-13-2017, 01:41 PM
Kimballkid Kimballkid is online now
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MASH is full of them.

Frank asks Father Mulcahy to do a temperance lecture and Father Mulcahy describes the time he had to do a sex lecture on the troop ship. The way William Christopher delivered it was hysterical:

Father Mulcahy: "Being celibate, I didn't feel qualified. They brought in a Protestant. He had a film about two sailors. One was from Cleveland ostensibly, the other a small rural area. The city boy stayed on the ship and wrote his high-school sweetheart. A lovely young girl with a megaphone on her chest."

Frank: "Father, this is a bit different."

Father Mulcahy: "The country boy lived in a trailer with three other young ladies and a man with a whip."

Frank: "Father?"

Father Mulcahy: "Broke his wristwatch and everything."

Last edited by Kimballkid; 02-13-2017 at 01:42 PM..
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  #226  
Old 02-13-2017, 02:54 PM
teela brown teela brown is online now
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Futurama - the "Bender's Game" mini-movie, which satirized a variety of fantasy media.

Leela: Is that a hobbit over there?

Bender: No, that's a hobo and a rabbit. But they're making a hobbit.
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  #227  
Old 02-13-2017, 03:16 PM
simster simster is offline
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Not so much a line, as I don't believe a single word is spoken, but the opening scene to the Fraser Valentine day episode that has Niles preparing for a date @ Frasier's house.
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  #228  
Old 02-14-2017, 02:28 AM
Annoying Buzz Annoying Buzz is offline
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All in the Family: Archie is locked in the basement, drunk and freezing, and thinks the repairman unlocking the door for him is actually Jesus coming to take him to heaven.

Archie (seeing the repairman is black): Ah jeez. Jefferson was right.
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  #229  
Old 02-14-2017, 06:05 PM
Dendarii Dame Dendarii Dame is online now
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MASH (From memory)

Margaret's worried she'd pregnant. Radar allows his pet rabbit to be used for a pregnancy test (which is normally fatal for the rabbit, but not in this case, due to Hawkeye's surgical skill. Margaret isn't pregnant.)

Margaret: "Thank you Corporal, for letting us use Fluffy."

Radar: "Oh, that's okay Major. I know you'd do the same for her."

The Simpsons (Also from memory)

(Homer's been invited to Mr. Burns' mansion, and excused himself to use the bathroom. He returns)

Mr. Burns: "Did you find the bathroom?"

Homer: Uh...yeah.....
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  #230  
Old 02-14-2017, 06:25 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is online now
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Larry Sanders:

Hank (after reading the recent surveys): "Artie, can I ask you a serious question?"
Art: "Sure, Hank."
Hank (lip trembling): "Do you think I skew to an older demographic?"
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  #231  
Old 02-14-2017, 06:28 PM
silenus silenus is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dougie_monty View Post
M*A*S*H
(General Barker [Sorrell Booke] is looking for Hawkeye. He finds Radar at Henry's desk, smoking a cigar and drinking brandy.)
General: Corporal! What are you doing?
Radar: Doing, Sir?
General: D-O-I-N-G! What are you doing?
Radar: I'm listening to you spell "doing," Sir.
Gen. Barker: May I make a suggestion about Major Burns?

Henry Blake: Yes, Sir.

Gen. Barker: Give him a high colonic and send him on a ten-mile hike.

Capt. McIntyre: With full pack.

Gen. Barker: Good touch.



Sorrell Booke's expression is what really sells his last line.
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  #232  
Old 02-14-2017, 06:36 PM
Mean Mr. Mustard Mean Mr. Mustard is offline
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From M*A*S*H:

Frank: Any mindless baboon can see she isn't here, including me.


From Cheers:

(Sam is dressed as Santa as the gang is having a Christmas in July for a family. Sam is sweating in the Santa gear and wants to leave):

Sam: OK, time for us to go
Young boy: But Santa hasn't even roasted the chestnuts yet!
Sam (fanning himself): Oh yes he has.


mmm
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  #233  
Old 02-14-2017, 09:31 PM
kunilou kunilou is offline
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Let's turn to Modern Family

Phil (talking about his fear of clowns): I am not really sure where the fear comes from, my mother says it's cause when I was a kid I found a dead clown in the woods. But who knows?

Claire (as Mitchell tries to stop an argument between her and DeDe):She accused me of trying to steal my old boyfriend from her.
Mitchell: Okay, fine. But make it quick.

Alex: You're a senior. Why are you still in second year math?
Haley: Not still, again.

Gloria: You can't go around telling people what they can and can't do.
Jay: So you're in favor of this?
Gloria: No, it's a freakshow! But it's their freakshow.
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  #234  
Old 02-14-2017, 09:44 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by simster View Post
Not so much a line, as I don't believe a single word is spoken, but the opening scene to the Fraser Valentine day episode that has Niles preparing for a date @ Frasier's house.
I had been thinking about that scene with regard to this thread - it was dangerously close to comedy genius.
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  #235  
Old 02-14-2017, 11:29 PM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Frasier
(Frasier has been insistent on making a video of his father. He borrowed Bulldog's camcorder. Niles has convinced Martin to sit and speak for the video.)
Martin: Hello. I'm Martin Crane. I was 64 years old when this video was made. But now I'm dead! [As he says this last word he bugs his eyes out.]
***
[He continues]
I have a million bucks from when we busted a drug dealer. It's in my Army footlocker. The combination is: Left 16, Right 32, Le-- [here he feigns dying.]
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  #236  
Old 02-14-2017, 11:36 PM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Mary Tyler Moore
(In the episode with Walter Cronkite, Ted approaches Cronkite and Lou Grant as they are about to leave. Ted still wants to get on the Network News and tries to give Cronkite a spiel about his talents.)
Baxter: Sports scores: The North Stars 3, the Kings...Oh!
Cronkite (To Lou): I'm gonna get you for this!
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  #237  
Old 02-15-2017, 01:23 AM
Son of a Rich Son of a Rich is offline
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Grampa Simpson: "Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life!"
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  #238  
Old 02-15-2017, 09:18 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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Starlet O'Hara descends the staircase in her handmade dress, complete with curtain rod

Harvey Korman as Ratt Butler: "That gown is gorgeous"
Carol Burnett as Starlet O'Hara "Thank you, I saw it in the window and I just couldn't resist it".

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 02-15-2017 at 09:18 AM..
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  #239  
Old 02-15-2017, 10:16 AM
The Other Waldo Pepper The Other Waldo Pepper is online now
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Since he and Ricky move in the same "1950s entertainment" circles, George Reeves is appearing in cape and tights like you'd expect at Little Ricky's birthday party when he suddenly needs to rescue Lucy -- who's foolishly managed to get herself into an even zanier and more dangerous situation than usual. Ricky starts ranting about how, of all the crazy things she's done in their fifteen years of marriage...

"Ricardo, do you mean to say that you've been married to her for fifteen years?"
"Yeah, fifteen years!"
"And they call ME Superman!"
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  #240  
Old 02-15-2017, 11:08 AM
teela brown teela brown is online now
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Another Mary Tyler Moore:

Lou Grant (giving life advice to Ted): You know how you always are?

Ted: Yeah . . .

Lou Grant: Don't be that way.
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  #241  
Old 02-15-2017, 12:57 PM
The Other Waldo Pepper The Other Waldo Pepper is online now
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Actually, that Superman quip brings to mind LOIS & CLARK -- the episode where a sardonic time traveller is obviously out to murder our hero, but Lois Lane can't figure out why the heck he'd head to 1960s Smallville to do it.

Quote:
Oh, this is good; this is really good. Um. Lois, did you know that, in the future, you're revered at the same level as Superman? Why, there are books about you; statues; an interactive game. You're even a breakfast cereal!

"Really?"

Yes. But, as much as everybody loves you, there is one question that keeps coming up: "How Dumb Was She?" Here, I'll show you what I mean.

[puts glasses on]

"I'm Clark Kent."

[takes glasses off]

"No, I'm Superman!"

[puts glasses on]

"Mild-Mannered Reporter."

[takes glasses off]

"Superhero!"

Hello? DUH! Clark Kent Is Superman. Hahaha. Well, that was worth the whole trip: to actually meet the most galactically stupid woman who ever lived!
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  #242  
Old 02-15-2017, 02:17 PM
That Don Guy That Don Guy is offline
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Another one from Cheers:
(Frasier walks out of the back room after a conversation with Lilith)
Norm: So, what's your punishment?
Frasier: I'm not getting any.
Norm: You're getting off lucky.
Frasier: You don't understand - I'm. Not. Getting. Any.
Norm: I understood you fine - You're. Getting. Off. Lucky.

And one from Three's Company:
Janet (discussing, IIRC, Jack's girlfriend): It's right here on her business card - The Rapist!
Jack's girlfriend: That's 'therapist'
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  #243  
Old 02-15-2017, 09:50 PM
Mean Mr. Mustard Mean Mr. Mustard is offline
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Cheers again.

Frasier: I have to go use the sandbox.
Diane: Why a grown man feels the need to euphemize is beyond me.
Woody: Well, he did drink that beer awfully fast.


mmm
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  #244  
Old 02-15-2017, 10:30 PM
terentii terentii is offline
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HOGAN'S HEROES

Carter and LeBeau are trying to break Newkirk out of a Gestapo prison:

CARTER: (Threatening guard with a pistol) Are you gonna tell us which cell the Englishman is in?

GUARD: (Hesitates at first, then gives in) Nine.

CARTER: (Misunderstanding) Oh, so you won't talk, eh?

LeBEAU: (Frustrated) He means number nine....
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  #245  
Old 02-16-2017, 08:23 AM
Algernon Algernon is offline
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Yet another from Cheers, where Norm walks towards the bar:

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins. Pour me a beer."
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  #246  
Old 02-16-2017, 09:10 AM
The Other Waldo Pepper The Other Waldo Pepper is online now
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Dana Carvey as George Bush, patiently explaining that, yes, we may send troops to Iraq if things get worse . . . but "if we do go to war, it will not be another Vietnam. Because we have learned well the simple lesson of Vietnam: Stay Out Of Vietnam."
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  #247  
Old 02-16-2017, 09:26 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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Saturday Night Live's season 27 opening on September 29, 2001:
Lorne Michaels: "Can we be funny?"
Guest host Rudy Giuliani: Why start now?.....Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Live from New York, New York was alive!

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 02-16-2017 at 09:27 AM..
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  #248  
Old 02-16-2017, 09:26 AM
Max Torque Max Torque is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Algernon View Post
Yet another from Cheers, where Norm walks towards the bar:

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins. Pour me a beer."
My favorite one of these:

"How's the world treatin' you, Norm?"
"The same way a dog treats a fire hydrant."

People IRL don't give me the set-up line nearly often enough.
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  #249  
Old 02-16-2017, 11:56 AM
Mr. Greenjeans Mr. Greenjeans is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by That Don Guy View Post
And one from Three's Company:
Janet (discussing, IIRC, Jack's girlfriend): It's right here on her business card - The Rapist!
Jack's girlfriend: That's 'therapist'
Arrested Development took that joke a step further:

Tobias Fünke: You're forgetting, Lindsay, that as a psychiatrist, I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first "analrapist".
Lindsay Funke: Yeah, and you were almost arrested for those business cards.

With a cutaway to the business card.
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  #250  
Old 02-16-2017, 04:24 PM
F. U. Shakespeare F. U. Shakespeare is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dougie_monty View Post
The Bob Newhart Show
(Bob, Howard, Carol, and Jerry have been playing a made-up card game called "Sneehole." Jerry had to leave and Bob starts to put the cards and things away.)
Emily: Can't you play without Jerry?
Bob: Three-man Sneehole is illegal in Illinois.
The game that prompted them to create Sneehole was sprung on them by Howard Borden: Pai Tai, Chinese poker.

Howard deals the cards, and asks how many cards everyone has.
"5".
"11".
"7".
"2".

Howard: "OK, got any kings?"
(Bob admits he has two).
"Throw 'em out - no kings in Pai Tai".
After a while, Bob announces that he's folding.
Howard: "Can't fold in Pai Tai!"
Bob: "I don't have any cards"
Howard: "Then you just have to sit there until you lose!"
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