Help! How to Meet Men???

[BottledBlondJeanie]

Originally Posted by Missy2U

Have I told you lately that I love you?

Aha, a comrade-in-arms. Ironic huggles.

[Ellen Cherry]

Originally Posted by BottledBlondJeanie

Honestly dopers, when are you going to learn your lesson about socks/trolls?

If you doubt the veracity of the OP and need to vent about it, please do so in the Pit. Keep accusations of trolling out of IMHO.

[msmith537]

Originally Posted by Blackberry

Originally Posted by MichaelEmouse
If you're imaginative enough, you'll be able to create a situation where you meet firemen, policemen, doctors and lawyers. You can't lose!

Well now I have my plans for next weekend

Yeah, but the trick is to NOT be charged with multiple felonies!

Originally Posted by BottledBlondJeanie

Honestly dopers, when are you going to learn your lesson about socks/trolls?

Right..because a 24 year old virgin on the SDMB is so out of character!

[Sir T-Cups]

Ok OP, I'm not gonna go too nuts with this but here we go with two schools of thought.

I just moved for the summer to a brand new place (Woo Gulf Shores! 4 months vacation!) and I know literally no one. No friends, no nothin'. What I ended up doing with a friends advice is joining okcupid (as someone has already linked to) and literally just asking everyone in the area to talk to me and make friends. This has worked out relatively OK for me since I met one person on there who's been pretty cool. I kinda say that to say this: If you haven't joined okcupid it's free and painless and with all of the problems I have in my life (plus I'm only three years older than you) I am very very receptive to people and their deep problems, look me up, we can just chat and be completely hands free (I doubt you're even in this part of the country) and just be that soundboard that you need.

Second thing is this. If you are lacking confidence to talk to people there is a quick and easy way to build confidence. Go to the mall and for 30 min just walk around it and walk up to, or by, people and just say "Hi". There is not a human being in this world who won't say hi back. Just do that for a while, get the confidence to talk to strangers and simply say hi. Once you're ok with that then go up to them and say "Hi my name is saraleee how are you today?"
Most people will give a paltry "fine thanks, how are you?" but it's something....a bit more conversation. Once you've done that enough than you'll be better with coming up to people randomly at bars and clubs and stuff and get talking with people.

In a lot of ways you and I are the same, I see a lot of myself in your posts....age, life experience, the whole deal. I'm not gonna talk down to you or tell you what to do...but honestly if you need a completely neutral friend who's your same age and life situation....look me up, I love to talk to people

[Bricker]

Originally Posted by BottledBlondJeanie

Honestly dopers, when are you going to learn your lesson about socks/trolls?

Suspicion is such an ugly thing, Jeanie.

Here, direct from a Usenet text file I had saved since the early 1990s -- yes, folks, the text I'm about to paste was once stored on a 5.25" floppy disk -- is a very helpful hilarious set of questions and answers. The references to "writer for a humor magazine" make me suspect it's original provenance was a humor magazine, but beyond that, I have no idea who the original author was:

WHAT KIND OF MAN MAKES THE BEST LOVER?
Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are
actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean
waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously
obsessed by male bodies.

You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men
who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and
polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on
sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their
affliction. Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want,
don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are
content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable
amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do
you think they call them "love handles"?) Introspective, thoughtful
men with a sense of humor are especially valuable; men who write humorous
magazine material, for example.

One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause
embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips
are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for
them!

HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE?
Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion.
The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially
larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their
condition. In thickness, the average man is somewhat larger than
a ball-point pen.

HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST?
Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable
thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up
to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can
"last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know
you've landed owe of these desireable "sixty second wonders."

HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?
The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into
words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like
something inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth
or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled over
applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a
little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague
sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied"
feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable
adventure.

WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?
There is no such thing.

WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?
This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes.
If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see the a man's penis
fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth
does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally
stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to put his
mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act (why do you
think they call the vagina your "private parts"?)

WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?
Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh,
followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and
you, are "GIB." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a
football or basketball game immediately after climax.
Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in
going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along
with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put
back depleted calories.

WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?
Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man
properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries
to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him.
If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV
or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay"
technique is to invite a really good-looking girl friend over, and do
whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?
One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your
dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all
help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one."
Invite your more attractive and energetic girl friends over to take part.
Another technique. and we think the best, is to use anonymous
names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you
where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air
of real "mystery" to the affair.

HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?
When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to forty, married, on a
business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity,
go over to a Ramada Inn or Holiday Inn cocktail lounge about 8:30 at night.
Look around the room, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top
three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper
in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real
conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.

SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
"If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?"
There is absolutely no way to tell.
"What's the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and
shiny?"
One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen.
The more you can somehow get on your teeth an skin, the better you'll
look.
"What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?"
You should always call him "Mr. Smith." You can also call him "King
Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite lovers "Hey you"
or "Uh, Miss?"
"Where should a man take me?"
Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for
fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to a local Arby's or
McDonalds for a sandwich. That means his mind is not on food, so
you know what he's thinking about.
"What happens if he doesn't call?"
He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks
to your local Ramada Inn or Holiday Inn cocktail lounge and look to see if
he's come back. If he doesn't, find another person who sort of looks
like him and maybe write or works for a humor magazine, can try the "Can I
buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you've met a new,
exciting lover.

[drachillix]

Originally Posted by astro

He's wearing a short skirt and tan go-go boots. I suppose that's kind of awesome.

lol, I guess you have a limited appreciation for heavy leather.

[drachillix]

Originally Posted by saralee504

Lol... Is that your profile? Couldn't even see it. Looks like I have to create an account just to view it...

It is, OKC is a free site. I kinda like it because of the huge questions system that allows you to cover alot of "dealbreaker" issues as part of the match system. On many sites I spend alot of time filtering the fundies from the more religiously flexible. By making the question "would you date an athiest?" a mandatory yes, it bumps the no answers way down the list.

[Sir T-Cups]

Honestly I just now realized I never gave you my OKC name

TCups84

Anyone can hit me up any time

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

Originally Posted by Bricker

Suspicion is such an ugly thing, Jeanie.

Here, direct from a Usenet text file I had saved since the early 1990s -- yes, folks, the text I'm about to paste was once stored on a 5.25" floppy disk -- is a very helpful hilarious set of questions and answers. The references to "writer for a humor magazine" make me suspect it's original provenance was a humor magazine, but beyond that, I have no idea who the original author was:

Bricker, I am 99% sure that is from National Lampoon's Another Dirty Book.

I have a copy of it around here somewhere.


mmm

[even sven]

Saying you won't date online is kind of like saying you won't look for a job online- you are cutting out one of your most valuable tools. Something like one in five marriages started via online dating. Your choices are basically to wander around blindly hoping to run someone who is attractive to you, is attracted to you, doesn't have any major deal breakers, and happens to be single (good luck!) or just go online and see a whole list of people who fit your needs and want to meet people like you.

Yeah, it's awkward, sets you up for rejection, and can be nerve-wracking. Life is tough sometimes, and you aren't going to get very far if you never put yourself out there. Nobody ever got their head cut off meeting for a coffee at Starbucks. Stop making excuses and either make steps towards what you want, or stop complaining.

[drachillix]

Originally Posted by even sven

Yeah, it's awkward, sets you up for rejection, and can be nerve-wracking. Life is tough sometimes, and you aren't going to get very far if you never put yourself out there. Nobody ever got their head cut off meeting for a coffee at Starbucks. Stop making excuses and either make steps towards what you want, or stop complaining.

I have met somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 women via online personals ads...maybe closer to 500 over the years.

Of those, maybe 60 resulted in a few more dates, around 30 or so of those turned into some kind of steady dating scenario of some kind, married to one for 6-7 years.

Its often a volume task. Meet alot, you will find a few you can connect with. Be prepared for disappointments. I was just recently seeing a woman who was so awesome in so many ways, but had no desire for exclusivity or committment, while being fairly demanding in other ways. It finally go to the point where I just could not go to the effort despite the awesome.

[Rhaegar]

Being 23 and still a virgin is no big deal in my book, hello, Tim Tebow and Lolo Jones! IMO if your goal is to "meet guys" that is one thing, but if your stated goal is to get into a "long term meaningful relationship," then you are probably putting too much pressure on yourself. At this point your attitude should just be to meet some guys, become friends with them and let things take their natural course. If it is meant to be with a certain guy, it will happen. Take your time and don't be in a rush, 23 years old is hardly being an old maid.

And meeting guys is easy, they are everywhere, and there always seems to be more available guys than girls for some reason. IMO the key to a good relationship is finding someone who has common interests, grew up in a similar family, and has a compatible personality. You should examine yourself, what are your interests? You won't find many guys that are into shopping to getting facials, but if you like movies, books, reading, gourmet dining, camping, travel, sports (especially sports), you should use those interests to meet guys. If you are religious, usually church can be a place to meet someone with like values.

Mainly, I would just say to relax and be yourself. That will greatly reduce your anxiety and undoubtedly make you more attractive to the guy of your choice.

[Sir T-Cups]

It's been like a week....you even here anymore saralee?

[Blackberry]

Originally Posted by Rhaegar

Being 23 and still a virgin is no big deal in my book, hello, Tim Tebow and Lolo Jones!

Being 23 and a virgin who has never been in a relationship is a pretty big deal if you want to do those things. And Tim Tebow is a religious nut so he doesn't count. I don't know who Lolo Jones is though.

[Robot Arm]

Originally Posted by Rhaegar

Being 23 and still a virgin is no big deal in my book, hello, Tim Tebow and Lolo Jones!

It was a big enough deal for Tebow to be taunted about it by his teammates.

[saralee504]

Originally Posted by Sir T-Cups

It's been like a week....you even here anymore saralee?

Yes, I'm still here, T-Cups. I've just been busy the past 2 days.. Plus I didn't think I'd get anymore responses. Just wanna say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. Still not sure which route I wanna take (online dating, bar room). I'll write an update... when/if I find a man, lol.

[saralee504]

Originally Posted by drachillix

I have met somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 women via online personals ads...maybe closer to 500 over the years.

Of those, maybe 60 resulted in a few more dates, around 30 or so of those turned into some kind of steady dating scenario of some kind, married to one for 6-7 years.

Its often a volume task. Meet alot, you will find a few you can connect with. Be prepared for disappointments. I was just recently seeing a woman who was so awesome in so many ways, but had no desire for exclusivity or committment, while being fairly demanding in other ways. It finally go to the point where I just could not go to the effort despite the awesome.

Wait, you've met over 500 women... off the internet? How is that even possible? I don't think I've even spoken to that many people in life time.

[drachillix]

Originally Posted by saralee504

Wait, you've met over 500 women... off the internet? How is that even possible? I don't think I've even spoken to that many people in life time.

over 300 definite, maybe as much as 500.
I'm 42 and was running on aol and yahoo personals as early as 1998. Post an ad, if you wanted to just go meet for coffee and such you can easily meet 4-5 a week. I have had a lot of 2-3 meet weeks, I tend to go in flurries of 30-50 over a 3 month or so period then end up dating one for a few months, it fizzles, another round of meets. I actually just had a kinda quick turnaround in the form of dropped one I had been seeing, updated ad, had a bunch of replies, met 6 in a week or so, and #6 seems to like me and we have gone out 6-7 times over the last 3 weeks.

[drachillix]

Originally Posted by saralee504

Yes, I'm still here, T-Cups. I've just been busy the past 2 days.. Plus I didn't think I'd get anymore responses. Just wanna say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. Still not sure which route I wanna take (online dating, bar room). I'll write an update... when/if I find a man, lol.

A wise woman once told me,
"If you go to bars, you will meet the kind of people that hang out in bars"
This applies to anything, art galleries, PTA meetings, dog parks, coffee houses, dance clubs, whatever.

If there is a world you want to explore or become a bigger part of, go there. Over the last few years I have become heavily involved in a medieval reenactment group. It is not mandatory that a potential g/f be involved but I would expect them to at least be willing to check it out and bare minimum tolerate my involvement and not expect me to stop because I am with them now. I have always kept a lookout while at events and have met a few ladies who were more than willing to help me out of my armor but its a pretty narrow and widely dispersed crowd. Almost anyone I meet outside our local group is going to live a few hours away. The last woman I hung out with at an event that got pretty chummy with me was from San Diego, a solid 6-7 hour drive. I know am too high maintenance to do that kind of distance, but if we happened to find ourselves at alot of the same events and wanted to hang out....works for me.

[saralee504]

@Chillix

Since 1998??? Wow! Lol. Wish I could go that far back in time. I wouldn't even be on this site lol... Anyway, I attend dance classes every now and then. Matter of fact, I just went to one yesterday. But, it's just women there. And I can't think of anything else I actually have an interest in, that would give me the opportunity to meet plenty (straight) men while doing it.

Do you have a hard time meeting women in person or something (if you don't mind me asking)? If so, how come?... It's just that, I've never known or heard of anyone whose met 99% of the people he's dated through an online dating site.

[drachillix]

Originally Posted by saralee504

Do you have a hard time meeting women in person or something (if you don't mind me asking)? If so, how come?... It's just that, I've never known or heard of anyone whose met 99% of the people he's dated through an online dating site.

I own my own business, and tend to work long and odd hours, I am an athiest so church isnt much of an option, I dont do the bar scene. I have dated a few customers, but they never want to pay again after that so I avoid turning a regular customer into an ex customer and ex g/f.

So my life is work, and SCA, not alot of other social outlets, so online works well for me.

[DrDeth]

Originally Posted by drachillix

I own my own business, and tend to work long and odd hours, I am an athiest so church isnt much of an option, I dont do the bar scene. I have dated a few customers, but they never want to pay again after that so I avoid turning a regular customer into an ex customer and ex g/f.

So my life is work, and SCA, not alot of other social outlets, so online works well for me.

SCA? Jeebus, you can't meet singles in the SCA? I mean, even a dude like me has no problem meeting other singles in the SCA. There's even a filk about it.

[drachillix]

Originally Posted by DrDeth

SCA? Jeebus, you can't meet singles in the SCA? I mean, even a dude like me has no problem meeting other singles in the SCA. There's even a filk about it.

Meeting, no problem. Meeting one that isn't long distance is more challenging.

[even sven]

Originally Posted by saralee504

Do you have a hard time meeting women in person or something (if you don't mind me asking)? If so, how come?... It's just that, I've never known or heard of anyone whose met 99% of the people he's dated through an online dating site.

You haven't?

That might be age-related. In your early 20s, your peers probably still have tight-knit social circles that are condusive to college-style dating where you meet people through friends. In college you'll meet hundreds of people your age in a day just through classes, and a lot of them are probably socially connected to each other. But as you get older, you lose those built-in peer groups and you aren't in contact with as many people in your age range, so you have to be a bit more deliberate about meeting people to date.

I'm in my early 30s, and pretty much all of my single friends use online dating. It's no stranger than buying a dress of booking a plane ticket online...why go through all that work trying to meet people with potential dealbreakers (Is he single? Is he gay? Does he want kids? Does he think I'm attractive? Is he looking for a relationship or a fling) when you can just as easily meet people who are interested in you and have put their potential dealbreakers spelled out right in front of you? People are busy, and online dating keeps you from wasting your time with false starts.

The most successful online daters I know have been fairly systematic about it. When I was dating, I'd see five or six people in a week- often going to coffee for one date in the afternoon and meeting someone later for dinner. I held off from being exclusive until I was certain there was a future with someone. I did this for about a month, and ended up finding a great guy. Systematically meeting guys may not be the most romantic thing in the world. but there is plenty of time for romance once you meet that someone special.

[YogSosoth]

Post a picture and your number?

[This_Just_In...]

Originally Posted by saralee504

I don't even have girlfriends to go out with... I've experimented with online dating in the past. But I deleted the account after 2 days. I got a lot of responses. But I just couldn't do it. I started feeling embarrassed about even being on there. What if one of the men on the site recognized me at my job and said something like, "hey, don't I know you from somewhere?

I may give it another try, though. Thanks for your input, though. I really appreciate it!

Seeing as you're female you will be able to get away without putting up a picture. Just write up a nice profile and include a short description of yourself (height/weight or at least an accurate body type description, hair color, etc). Describe yourself as attractive/stunning/etc if you are. Then spend some time and try to find the guy(s) you'd like to contact. If your written profile is in tune enough with what the guy is looking for he'll likely write back without having to see your picture. You can later choose to send that guy a picture of yourself once you have email communication going.

[Yeticus Rex]

Originally Posted by drachillix

I have met somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 women via online personals ads...maybe closer to 500 over the years.

Of those, maybe 60 resulted in a few more dates, around 30 or so of those turned into some kind of steady dating scenario of some kind, married to one for 6-7 years.

Its often a volume task. Meet alot, you will find a few you can connect with. Be prepared for disappointments. I was just recently seeing a woman who was so awesome in so many ways, but had no desire for exclusivity or committment, while being fairly demanding in other ways. It finally go to the point where I just could not go to the effort despite the awesome.

Bingo.....It's a numbers game.

SaraLee, you might not know what you really want in a man until you've accumulated a good sample size. And I don't mean sleep with 500 men, but at least make contact with 500, find the ones that seem interesting and worthy of a date, see if the attraction increases on the first date, a second date if you are not sure.....don't hang on to any guys that you are not sure about, because you'll be wasting your time and theirs, so cut it off if things are not working out or you don't feel safe. You should be able to whittle that number down to a few good men; men that are interesting to you, care for you, and you can be intimate with.

Oh, and be the type of person you would want to be with.

Good Luck.

[cappi]

I'm 23 also, and I have social anxiety, and thus have problems meeting guys. I'm basically in the same boat as you. While I was a teenager, I thought I would never, ever have a boyfriend or have sex. Luckily, that wasn't the case

Let's see. Here's how I met most of the guys I've been with:

1. I go to college, so guys there sometimes talk to me. Also I take the bus to school, so guys sometimes sit by me. This was the case with one of my ex-boyfriends. He sat by me, and started talking to me, and eventually he asked for my number. And the rest is history. Also, if I find myself talking to a guy I like, I can sometimes muster up the courage to ask for his number. I just say "maybe I can get your number?" and it usually turns out okay.

2. Craigslist. I know, I know. But I was really lonely and depressed last summer, so I gave in and decided to hit up craigslist. I've never posted anything myself, I've just emailed guys who had posted one. But surprise surprise, all the guys I have met from craigslist (about 5) turned out to be really great people! Seriously, some of the most awesome people I know .. I ended up dating one, becoming very good friends with 2, and the other 2 were minor friends.

Just text with them at first to see if you like them, then meet up if you want to. Yeah, it can be awkward at first, especially if you have anxiety, but after a few times it becomes more comfortable, and you get to know each other.

Now I'm sure there are some losers on CL, heck, that's all I expected, but I haven't experienced it yet. You can usually tell by their posting whether they're a douche or not.


3. Through other friends-- though this doesn't happen often, as I don't have many friends.

Also, I suppose you could try a dating site.

Other things to remember:
-be flirtatious, but not over the top.
- Avoid guys who ask for sexy pics, (at least right away.)
-DON'T act needy. (That one's hard for me, haha).


And I must say, that married guy is a total piece of shit. Anyone that would cheat on their wife is totally rotten. So don't let yourself become rotten by being part of it. I know what it like to feel lonely and to crave the attention of some guy, even if he is a jerk. It's better than nothing, right? WRONG. It's so not worth it. Believe me, it's only gonna cause you stress and heartache, and make you feel bad about yourself. I repeat, NOT worth it.

Anyway, it takes time to learn. I still am. Good luck girlie.

[Jragon]

I know this is a spam revived zombie, but holy shit, I'm sad I missed this thread the first time around. It's like a female me, more or less the same age and everything. Though I did get a girlfriend at 21, but social anxiety difficulty making friends/starting relationships etc etc sounded like I could've written it. I know you're probably no longer around, but good luck OP.

Edit: Well, okay, mostly the first paragraph of the post, the rest is a bit specific, natch.

[Doggo]

IMO you are way too picky. Real men don't come according to a mythical wish list. Everything is a compromise.
Of course, you can wait in hope.

Anyway, with your "wish list", I doubt any man will be good enough.

Why don't you just start off with platonic friendships, and see if anything develops?

BTW, I didn't get married till I was over 60, so there's always hope. I was super picky too, but I had several good platonic female friends, some of which were married.

[Martian Bigfoot]

Originally Posted by saralee504

But it’s always something. Too old, not old enough, too ghetto, not attractive. Then when I DO see a man I’m attracted to, I later find out he’s married, has a girlfriend, a kid. Or sometimes I realize I just don’t like his personality all that much. I don’t even know how to choose a man.

You do not have a problem meeting men. Heck, if you're a 23 year old female and not completely hideous, meeting men is as easy as leaving the house.

The problem isn't you, it's the men. Yes, as you've discovered, the vast majority of men suck to a lesser or greater extent in one way or other. On behalf of all men, I apologize for that.

Unfortunately, this leaves you with two options:
1) Get Johnny Depp's email address, or
2) Learn to settle for a somewhat less-than-perfect man.

[nearwildheaven]

Have you ever considered volunteering for Habitat for Humanity? You will meet lots of nice young adults, both men and women, there, and older adults volunteer extensively for them. They have children and grandchildren who often come along.

Even if you don't find a boyfriend, you will definitely make friends there.