Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #501  
Old 06-07-2016, 01:47 AM
Quasimodal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: N / A
Posts: 1,444
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnClay View Post
I think you said you date fairly often, you just haven't been in a relationship recently. Maybe using eHarmony could help you find a relationship. Like I said on another thread you could also consider finding a partner overseas such as in Asia. It is apparently easy to find women in some of those countries. BTW I am 37 and have only ever dated my wife - no other romantic encounters. I think you should be grateful that you do date quite a lot and have had some relationships. My sisters have been single for many years. BTW apparently if you are satisfied with being single it is MUCH more likely that girls will be attracted to you. That was the case with me meeting my wife.
Yeah, I'm pretty satisfied. I mean I'd like a partner and sex and all the potential fun sexy good times. But I'm pretty content on my own. I'm glad I've had a lot more experiences...way more glad than when I had next to none. It's been a big transformation these last few years. I went to Salsa dance tonight...I'm bagged cause I was at an event last weekend, basically dancing and partying late. I just decided to be quiet and chill tonight. All the better dancers came and asked me up to dance and were very excited about it. Feel's pretty awesome. I never got that kind of attention a decade ago.
  #502  
Old 06-07-2016, 08:40 AM
Don't Panic's Avatar
Don't Panic is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 8,098
This is odd: I was just outside, and a dude tried to pick up a girl. Just right by where I was sitting. Actually, there were two dudes, one very tall, and one very short. The tall guy was doing most of the chatting up. I guess the short guy was the wing man. The girl was blonde, gorgeous, early twenties. I didn't stick around for the whole show, I got bored. I actually considered intervening, but I determined that she wasn't in any danger. It was in public, there were lots of people passing by, and all she needed to do was to walk a short distance, and she would be on a main street. I figured she could fend for herself.

But, yeah, as far as I could tell, they were pretty unpleasant. If I was her, I would have told them to get lost. She was being way too polite. Whatever I'm recommending here, it's not that. It was a useful reminder: Don't be those guys. Or at least I don't want to be those guys.
  #503  
Old 06-07-2016, 12:04 PM
zweisamkeit is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: detroit, east-side
Posts: 4,488
Quote:
Originally Posted by monstro View Post
All these questions make me think you're waiting for me to slip up and say something that's controversial. I don't think that's going to happen. But I guess I'll keep playing along.


FWIW as someone just reading the thread, that's exactly how it seems to me, too.
  #504  
Old 06-07-2016, 01:19 PM
zweisamkeit is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: detroit, east-side
Posts: 4,488
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martian Bigfoot View Post
But, yeah, as far as I could tell, they were pretty unpleasant. If I was her, I would have told them to get lost. She was being way too polite. .
Ugh.

I hear/read this all the time and it's really irritating. Guys: consider that women may (aka "do") have reasons why they choose not to actively reject men like this. I was going to type out a list with multiple reasons off the top of my head, but instead I'll give an example.




Personal Anecdote Time!


Once, I stopped at a Meijer's on my way to work to pick up food for a few lunches. It was about 6:30-7am and still pretty dark out.



As I walked down an aisle with my cart and a worker was on a (loud) riding floor cleaner/buffer an aisle over, a guy approached me, seemingly a bit bashful. Speaking very quietly, he said that I was beautiful and wanted to know if I would go on a date with him.

I was honestly flattered and a bit charmed (I vastly prefer bashful over brashful). So I smiled beamingly and thanked him, but truthfully added, "I'm flattered! But I'm actually engaged, so I can't." I was wearing my ring, which was visible since both hands were pushing the cart.*



Well.



As soon as he heard that, the bashful look vanished and was replaced by major anger. Almost a foot taller than me and very sturdy, he stepped up and loomed over me, yelling, "oh, you too fuckin GOOD for me, you fuckin bitch??"



He continued yelling and got madder and madder but I don't remember anything he said after that first line. I was completely terrified and frozen like a statue; my ever-present tinnitus suddenly became a roaring buzz and every other sound was completely muffled.



He eventually stomped away. But that didn't necessarily mean it's over and I'm safe, y'know? I spent the next half hour terrified: terrified that he'd come back to that aisle or that he was in another aisle nearby; terrified that the floor cleaner probably drowned him out to anyone nearby; terrified that I'd see him anywhere else in the store or at the uScan; terrified that maybe he stomped off to the nearby kitchen department and grabbed a knife; terrified that maybe he was waiting outside the store in the pre-dawn darkness; terrified that I parked halfway down an aisle and terrified that I was wearing high heels; terrified that he'd be able to follow me and get into my car before I could lock it and drive away.



Now, after reading this: do you think it would be unreasonable not directly reject a guy, much less tell him to get lost? Even if he looked charmingly shy and soft spoken?



* not saying he should have seen it beforehand.





<< Apologies in advance if my paragraph spacing is off. Tapatalk sometimes interprets one 'enter' as a paragraph break and sometimes as a line break -- even within a single post. >>
  #505  
Old 06-07-2016, 01:24 PM
zweisamkeit is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: detroit, east-side
Posts: 4,488
Ugh, dammit. Last paragraph should have, "do you think I would be unreasonable to not directly..."
  #506  
Old 06-07-2016, 03:10 PM
Voyager's Avatar
Voyager is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Deep Space
Posts: 46,745
Quote:
Originally Posted by monstro View Post
This is what I would say to him:

"I'm probably not going to be much help. I have never been in your situation (having to ask someone out on a date) so I have never dealt with rejection before. I can imagine that it gets easier with more practice, so maybe get out there into the world and see if you have more luck with other women. If you ask enough times, maybe you'll become desensitized to the pain. Therapy might also help if you've got serious social anxiety or if self-esteem problems are holding you back. But honestly, these sound like ideas you've probably already heard. You might do better asking someone who has actual experience in this department. (But please stay away from those PUA people.)"
You might also ask him if he is afraid of making a mistake in other things he does. For those of us not super-sensitive to what other people are feeling, the only way of telling is to try. Even if he doesn't get desensitized, he'll eventually improve his success rate as he figures out who is interested in him and who isn't.
As far as difficulty, I think men have it easier, since being able to ask is better than having to wait to be asked - at least back in the old days where women seldom if ever made the first move. So, guys, consider yourself lucky.
  #507  
Old 06-07-2016, 03:22 PM
Robot Arm is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Medford, MA
Posts: 23,586
Quote:
Originally Posted by Voyager View Post
As far as difficulty, I think men have it easier, since being able to ask is better than having to wait to be asked - at least back in the old days where women seldom if ever made the first move. So, guys, consider yourself lucky.
If it's so much easier to do the asking, why don't more women do it? It's not the old days anymore. Women now have the option of asking or waiting to be asked; men are still pressured to take the initiative.

I think more women should ask men out. Not necessarily because it would work, but to gain an understanding of what guys are expected to go through.
  #508  
Old 06-07-2016, 04:25 PM
Don't Panic's Avatar
Don't Panic is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 8,098
Quote:
Originally Posted by zweisamkeit View Post
FWIW as someone just reading the thread, that's exactly how it seems to me, too.
Yeah, well, if anyone is waiting for the "aha, gothca!", then don't hold your breath. Because I've got nothing. Zip.

I've flip-flopped my way through so many different and conflicting opinions in this thread that I'm making myself dizzy. Nice guys suck. Nice guys have a point. Assertive guys suck. Assertive guys have a point. All guys suck. Let's just shoot them. Which is where I started, so now I'm back around.

Last edited by Don't Panic; 06-07-2016 at 04:28 PM.
  #509  
Old 06-07-2016, 06:17 PM
Don't Panic's Avatar
Don't Panic is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 8,098
The only piece of actual advice that I've offered that I actually still stand by a 100 percent is this:

If you're really going to ask someone out on a date (because someone, say, has a gun to your head), pick someone you don't like.

- You're less nervous, so you'll make a better impression.
- If you're rejected, it doesn't hurt so much, because you're not so invested.
- You're a lot more likely to actually man up and ask, because there's less risk.
- If a relationship actually results, my experience is that it'll be a better and more successful relationship than one with someone you like. You'll be less needy and whiny throughout the relationship.
- There are probably a lot more people in the world that you don't like than people that you do like. So, bigger dating pool.
- Just because you don't like someone, that doesn't make them a bad person. They're probably an awesome person. You're not losing out or settling for second best. They're just someone who doesn't happen to jingle your particular fetish. That's all.
- They're more likely to say yes. Really: When was the last time someone you actually liked agreed to go on a date with you? Never happens.

Win-win-win-win-win-win-win.
  #510  
Old 06-12-2016, 06:57 PM
Velocity is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 15,776
I think this Onion article is relevant to the thread.
  #511  
Old 07-10-2017, 04:45 PM
antechinus is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Sydney
Posts: 2,280
H. Tvc


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
  #512  
Old 07-10-2017, 05:13 PM
steatopygia's Avatar
steatopygia is offline
Experimental FOC Test Pilot
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: North Idaho mostly
Posts: 1,918
Quote:
Originally Posted by antechinus View Post
H. Tvc


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
?
Is there going to be some sheep talk or is this your child/ butt dial?
  #513  
Old 07-10-2017, 05:37 PM
Darren Garrison's Avatar
Darren Garrison is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 12,007
Quote:
Originally Posted by steatopygia View Post
?
Is there going to be some sheep talk or is this your child/ butt dial?
Spies and such sometimes put a coded message in a newspaper or web forum to give a call to action for a compatriot. I believe that H. Tvc must mean "hit the Vatican chapel" and some ambitious terrorist group is about to take out the Sistine Chapel.
  #514  
Old 07-10-2017, 05:42 PM
antechinus is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Sydney
Posts: 2,280
Quote:
Originally Posted by steatopygia View Post
?
Is there going to be some sheep talk or is this your child/ butt dial?
Well, I suppose TVC =TC-TFC

Real reason - don't try to use a capacitance sensing screen when device fully charged and still plugged in.
  #515  
Old 07-10-2017, 05:47 PM
Ambivalid is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 14,158
Quote:
Originally Posted by steatopygia View Post
?
Is there going to be some sheep talk or is this your child/ butt dial?
I think it's MRA code. It's how "nice guys" communicate to each other amidst all the asshole guys and slut women.
  #516  
Old 07-10-2017, 05:50 PM
Darren Garrison's Avatar
Darren Garrison is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 12,007
I actually googled H.Tvc to see if it really meant something, and the first thing that came up was that annoying Preparation H commercial from Keister. Reminded to be curious about a real town named "Keister", I headed for Wikipedia and learned that there was once a person named Abraham Lincoln Keister who served in the US House of Representatives.

So at least my day has been productive.

Last edited by Darren Garrison; 07-10-2017 at 05:51 PM.
  #517  
Old 07-10-2017, 09:48 PM
Reddy Mercury is offline
BANNED
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 764
My question is why so many women have:

1) A lack of self-esteem, wherein all they accept are guys who cheat, or are willing to be used? I've known tons of women in my age group (20s) who will get cheated on, and cry about it, and then go back to the guy and fiercely defend him. He doesn't beat her, he just lacks respect

2) Why so many of them only want money. If a guy doesn't have money, he might as well get lost. I know a chick for example who doesn't even want male friends unless they can "help pay (her) bills", and in turn if they do she'd provide some sexual favors.

I feel pretty fucked being a Millenial really. I think women of my generation are like, 80% mental. And I say this as a guy who has had several different ladies is charming, and literally nice. Problem is, I'm too nice for the street wise girls, and too rough for the innocent virginal types.
  #518  
Old 07-10-2017, 10:26 PM
purplehearingaid is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,837
My oldest sister been married to a very nice guy for 50 years now . I know a few nice guys who been married for years.
  #519  
Old 07-11-2017, 01:10 AM
Budget Player Cadet is offline
BANNED
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 9,722
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reddy Mercury View Post
My question is why so many women have:

1) A lack of self-esteem, wherein all they accept are guys who cheat, or are willing to be used? I've known tons of women in my age group (20s) who will get cheated on, and cry about it, and then go back to the guy and fiercely defend him. He doesn't beat her, he just lacks respect

2) Why so many of them only want money. If a guy doesn't have money, he might as well get lost. I know a chick for example who doesn't even want male friends unless they can "help pay (her) bills", and in turn if they do she'd provide some sexual favors.

I feel pretty fucked being a Millenial really. I think women of my generation are like, 80% mental. And I say this as a guy who has had several different ladies is charming, and literally nice. Problem is, I'm too nice for the street wise girls, and too rough for the innocent virginal types.
I think your problem has less to do with being "too nice" or "too rough" and more to do with condescending generalizations and assumptions that wouldn't be out of place on /r/theredpill. I wouldn't want to date a woman who thought 80% of men were insane.

Last edited by Budget Player Cadet; 07-11-2017 at 01:11 AM.
  #520  
Old 07-11-2017, 08:54 AM
Jane Elliot is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 288
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reddy Mercury View Post
My question is why so many women have:

1) A lack of self-esteem, wherein all they accept are guys who cheat, or are willing to be used? I've known tons of women in my age group (20s) who will get cheated on, and cry about it, and then go back to the guy and fiercely defend him. He doesn't beat her, he just lacks respect
Why do so many men cheat, tear down women's self-esteem, and use them?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Reddy Mercury View Post
2) Why so many of them only want money. If a guy doesn't have money, he might as well get lost. I know a chick for example who doesn't even want male friends unless they can "help pay (her) bills", and in turn if they do she'd provide some sexual favors.
Why do so many men think that the only way they can get sexual favors is to pay a woman's bills?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Reddy Mercury View Post
I feel pretty fucked being a Millenial really. I think women of my generation are like, 80% mental. And I say this as a guy who has had several different ladies is charming, and literally nice. Problem is, I'm too nice for the street wise girls, and too rough for the innocent virginal types.
Why do you think there are only two kinds of women?
  #521  
Old 07-11-2017, 09:12 AM
Nava is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Hey! I'm located! WOOOOW!
Posts: 43,046
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reddy Mercury View Post
My question is why so many women have:

1) A lack of self-esteem, wherein all they accept are guys who cheat...

2) Why so many of them only want money. If a guy doesn't have money, he might as well get lost...

I feel pretty fucked being a Millenial really.
Bad news: there were women of both types back before the first tribe even knew there was another tribe around.

Good news: most guys have been able to find women who aren't either of the above. And those guys who actually like the above types, hey, de gustibus...
  #522  
Old 07-11-2017, 09:41 AM
Enter the Flagon is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,089
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reddy Mercury View Post
My question is why so many women have:

1) A lack of self-esteem, wherein all they accept are guys who cheat, or are willing to be used?

...2) Why so many of them only want money.

...I think women of my generation are like, 80% mental.
I used to think like this. It turned out that my sample was skewed. It was all about the particular personality types that I was attracted to, as a result of my own screwed up personality and upbringing. There are lots of women out there living well balanced, drama-free lives; I just wasn't attracted to them.
  #523  
Old 07-11-2017, 09:57 AM
manson1972's Avatar
manson1972 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 12,571
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reddy Mercury View Post
I know a chick for example who doesn't even want male friends unless they can "help pay (her) bills", and in turn if they do she'd provide some sexual favors
Isn't this called "Being married"?

  #524  
Old 07-11-2017, 10:33 AM
Corry El is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,943
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reddy Mercury View Post
My question is why so many women have:


2) Why so many of them only want money. If a guy doesn't have money, he might as well get lost. I know a chick for example who doesn't even want male friends unless they can "help pay (her) bills", and in turn if they do she'd provide some sexual favors.
I'll pile on a little, though not 100% against your point. The example you gave of the 'chick' who is essentially trading money for sex (and not a semi-humorous reference to a cynical view of marriage, but outright) is not typical AFAIK. OTOH what I do know? But on the third hand I know for sure you can expect heavy flak for implying that's typical.

But just sticking with your first two sentences, there's some truth to it IMO and other posters have mentioned this theme. Somebody said if a guy makes $30k/yr he can get a girlfriend. A full adult around here (high cost area)? I doubt it. At some level lack of good employment and/or prospects of such is a hindrance in romance. There's no doubt about that. It's pretty deep seated in society I'd say, directed more at males than females I'd also say, but presenting it as the moral fault of women is not realistic IMO. OK if a woman is seeking only very well off men, reasonably well off men can indulge themselves in condemning her moral inferiority, for all the good it does them (none). But one generally has to get out of one parents' basement and earn a decent living to have good relationship prospects as a guy, that's life (generally speaking, of course with exceptions as for any accurate general statement about people and society).
  #525  
Old 07-11-2017, 11:04 AM
Quasimodal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: N / A
Posts: 1,444
Quote:
Originally Posted by Corry El View Post
I'll pile on a little, though not 100% against your point. The example you gave of the 'chick' who is essentially trading money for sex (and not a semi-humorous reference to a cynical view of marriage, but outright) is not typical AFAIK. OTOH what I do know? But on the third hand I know for sure you can expect heavy flak for implying that's typical.

But just sticking with your first two sentences, there's some truth to it IMO and other posters have mentioned this theme. Somebody said if a guy makes $30k/yr he can get a girlfriend. A full adult around here (high cost area)? I doubt it. At some level lack of good employment and/or prospects of such is a hindrance in romance. There's no doubt about that. It's pretty deep seated in society I'd say, directed more at males than females I'd also say, but presenting it as the moral fault of women is not realistic IMO. OK if a woman is seeking only very well off men, reasonably well off men can indulge themselves in condemning her moral inferiority, for all the good it does them (none). But one generally has to get out of one parents' basement and earn a decent living to have good relationship prospects as a guy, that's life (generally speaking, of course with exceptions as for any accurate general statement about people and society).
Yes to add in. Most of us hang out with people in our socio-economic bracket. My friends generally have a living wage. Let alone a partner. My frustration personally lies with that I'm a teacher, who earns a decent wage. Certainly enough for the basics (House /condo, car, vacation, general fun times in the city), yet it seems I'm beaten out by others with a lower wage quite often. According to StatsCanada my wage is decently above average. I often wonder what the perception is of a male elementary music teacher. Am I not "manly" enough? Just last week on Tinder I told a lady I was a teacher. And first response was "Like it?"...not awesome, or cool, or amazing. Just "like it?" as in "Who the F would ever do that?". My one word reply was: Yes.
  #526  
Old 07-11-2017, 11:47 AM
iiandyiiii's Avatar
iiandyiiii is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 36,076
Unless you're disfigured, morbidly obese, or otherwise well outside of the "norms" of appearance or presentability (including hygiene), then if you're still lonely after several years of trying to connect with women, you're either not really a nice person, or your standards are much, much too high.

Make an online profile, reach out honestly to women around your age, be decent, honest, and respectful, and eventually you'll make some connections, some of which might lead to romance.

If you're doing this but it's not working, and you don't have some hideous disease that causes constant flatulence or something like that, then you're probably not actually being decent, honest, and respectful.
  #527  
Old 07-11-2017, 12:37 PM
Quasimodal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: N / A
Posts: 1,444
Quote:
Originally Posted by iiandyiiii View Post
Unless you're disfigured, morbidly obese, or otherwise well outside of the "norms" of appearance or presentability (including hygiene), then if you're still lonely after several years of trying to connect with women, you're either not really a nice person, or your standards are much, much too high.

Make an online profile, reach out honestly to women around your age, be decent, honest, and respectful, and eventually you'll make some connections, some of which might lead to romance.

If you're doing this but it's not working, and you don't have some hideous disease that causes constant flatulence or something like that, then you're probably not actually being decent, honest, and respectful.
To be fair, I haven't looked in a couple of years. But I'm wading in again and am getting some attention. I just honestly have the opinion of myself that based on my life habits (healthy, work ethic, lack of drama), I should be further along. But whatever, life is hard and every day is earned. Just keep working at it.

No word of lies...the two longest relationships I've been in we're really I think abusive towards me. No I was not perfect in them. But I was never worth being cheated on, threatened with a knife, or humiliated in public. In fact I met my ex after three years...and she put me through the ringer again without provocation. I just breathed through it...it was a work situation so I just had to get though it ok for 30 minutes. I didn't say anything bad or nasty, even though I was fuming underneath a calm exterior. At least it's been two years since the last woman tore me apart, telling me how she liked me but kept pushing me away at the same time. I think I'm in healthier place to begin again.

Decent, honest, and respectful often gets taken advantage of IMHO. Especially as a guy, cause there's a culture of "Men being wrong" out there. So we put up with lots of stuff maybe we shouldn't have to. Hard to let down one's guard after experiences like the above. But I'm going to try to keep doing the things you say.
  #528  
Old 07-11-2017, 12:49 PM
Quasimodal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: N / A
Posts: 1,444
Also this article spoke to me in a lot of ways:

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017...men-have-gone/
  #529  
Old 07-11-2017, 12:51 PM
iiandyiiii's Avatar
iiandyiiii is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 36,076
Feel free to dump, or stop seeing, anyone who cheats, threatens, or humiliates/insults you. In fact, do so immediately -- decent people don't do that.

There are plenty of decent people out there who don't behave that way. Sometimes you'll get it wrong and date someone who's not a decent person, but when you dump them as soon as you realize this, then you can move on and try to find those decent people out there. Do the same if someone is just stringing you along -- I had a rule: make my interest clear and ask a woman out once -- if she says no, then never do it again unless she gives you very strong indication to do so.

Back when I was single (I've been married almost 9 years now), I welcomed early rejection -- it was a clear signal to just try again with someone else. And I quickly realized that unclear responses should be treated the same way as the clear rejections. Don't waste your time with people who aren't interested -- they have that right, and you have the right to move on. Just spend a little time and effort on someone new, and if they don't make it clear that they like you too, then move on.
  #530  
Old 07-11-2017, 01:17 PM
Quasimodal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: N / A
Posts: 1,444
Quote:
Originally Posted by iiandyiiii View Post
Feel free to dump, or stop seeing, anyone who cheats, threatens, or humiliates/insults you. In fact, do so immediately -- decent people don't do that.

There are plenty of decent people out there who don't behave that way. Sometimes you'll get it wrong and date someone who's not a decent person, but when you dump them as soon as you realize this, then you can move on and try to find those decent people out there. Do the same if someone is just stringing you along -- I had a rule: make my interest clear and ask a woman out once -- if she says no, then never do it again unless she gives you very strong indication to do so.

Back when I was single (I've been married almost 9 years now), I welcomed early rejection -- it was a clear signal to just try again with someone else. And I quickly realized that unclear responses should be treated the same way as the clear rejections. Don't waste your time with people who aren't interested -- they have that right, and you have the right to move on. Just spend a little time and effort on someone new, and if they don't make it clear that they like you too, then move on.
Agreed. Reminders are good.
  #531  
Old 07-11-2017, 01:39 PM
moojja is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 165
Quote:
Originally Posted by iiandyiiii View Post
Back when I was single (I've been married almost 9 years now), I welcomed early rejection -- it was a clear signal to just try again with someone else. And I quickly realized that unclear responses should be treated the same way as the clear rejections. Don't waste your time with people who aren't interested -- they have that right, and you have the right to move on. Just spend a little time and effort on someone new, and if they don't make it clear that they like you too, then move on.
I agree with you. A "no" is the easiest thing to deal with. A "maybe" is a pain.
  #532  
Old 07-11-2017, 02:35 PM
Pantastic is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 4,430
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quasimodal View Post
I often wonder what the perception is of a male elementary music teacher. Am I not "manly" enough? Just last week on Tinder I told a lady I was a teacher. And first response was "Like it?"...not awesome, or cool, or amazing. Just "like it?" as in "Who the F would ever do that?". My one word reply was: Yes.
Helpful hint: either give people the benefit of the doubt on what they mean, or stop talking to them. Someone asked a basic question, and you read 'who the fuck would ever do that' into it, and responded with a terse, conversation-killing reply. Assume that they're actually asking what they're asking, and give a positive answer that continues the conversation - if they think it's stupid, they'll let you know soon enough, but if they're neutral or interested then you can keep talking.

If your approach to dating includes a lot of exchanges where someone asks an innocuous question like 'like your job?' and you assume it's an insult and petulantly give a one-word reply, the problem is definitely not your income or your job.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quasimodal View Post
Decent, honest, and respectful often gets taken advantage of IMHO. Especially as a guy, cause there's a culture of "Men being wrong" out there. So we put up with lots of stuff maybe we shouldn't have to. Hard to let down one's guard after experiences like the above. But I'm going to try to keep doing the things you say.
Decent, honest, and respectful aren't what gets taken advantage of; it is being unwilling to stand up for yourself that is the real problem. That's one of the major issues with the whole 'nice guy' phenomenon; there's a willful blindness to anything but one narrow characteristic. The problem is not that you're decent, honest, and respectful, the problem is that you're not decent, honest with, or respectful to YOURSELF, and end up tolerating behavior that you would consider wildly unacceptable if a friend was telling you about it. You have to be honest about what condition you face (no going into denial that 'oh, it's not so bad), you have to respect your own needs, happiness, and health, and you have to insist on decent treatment for you.
  #533  
Old 07-11-2017, 05:16 PM
Corry El is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,943
Quote:
Originally Posted by iiandyiiii View Post
Unless you're disfigured, morbidly obese, or otherwise well outside of the "norms" of appearance or presentability (including hygiene), then if you're still lonely after several years of trying to connect with women, you're either not really a nice person, or your standards are much, much too high.

Make an online profile, reach out honestly to women around your age, be decent, honest, and respectful, and eventually you'll make some connections, some of which might lead to romance.

If you're doing this but it's not working, and you don't have some hideous disease that causes constant flatulence or something like that, then you're probably not actually being decent, honest, and respectful.
I'm not sure about that*. If the theme is not personally blaming people who don't requite one's romantic interest, I agree. Beyond that some blanket statement that what you 'deserve' in a relationship is there for the taking except if your 'standards are too high' or you're 'not as nice as you think', I don't agree. There's also the possibility one runs in a strata of society where the predominant attitudes and values of potential romantic partners can validly be criticized on the whole. Though again I agree it's any given potential individual partner's right not to be interested for any reason.

The first two options have the benefit of being somewhat under one's own control, 'lower standards' or 'improve as a person'. It might be tricky to define how to really do either one, but in theory you can...change prevailing negative social norms, you can't. And, the first two are painful ideas, the last a more comfortable idea, which often spells trouble. But it doesn't mean the last one can't be true. And it has a potential solution in looking outside that strata or crowd, to the extent that isn't subsumed by 'standards' which I don't it typically is. Discussion like this are typically full of unstated assumptions and restrictions about who 'the field' actually consists of from a given person's POV.

*personal background is married 34 yrs, my wife terrific in every way IMO, no great success with women prior to that but we married pretty young.
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:52 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

Send questions for Cecil Adams to: cecil@straightdope.com

Send comments about this website to: webmaster@straightdope.com

Terms of Use / Privacy Policy

Advertise on the Straight Dope!
(Your direct line to thousands of the smartest, hippest people on the planet, plus a few total dipsticks.)

Copyright 2019 STM Reader, LLC.

 
Copyright © 2017