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Old 12-15-2017, 07:11 PM
Johnny L.A. is offline
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Boy, do I feel like an idiot


As a companion thread to Tales of clumsiness, here's a thread where you admit to being a complete idiot. A boob. A dimwit. A knucklehead. A nincompoop. You get the idea.

I've been eating Trader Joe's French Onion Soup for at least 20 years. Probably longer. It comes frozen into little cylindrical pucks. Just pop the cylinder into an oven-safe bowl and heat in a 400ºF oven for 40 minutes. Yum. But I've always hated the packaging. I have to dirty a sharp knife to cut the cylinders out of their plastic pouches. Grrr!

So a few weeks ago I bought some spinach and artichoke dip from Trader Joe's. It's packaged in the same manner as the soup. Mrs. L.A. decided to heat it up. She removed the plastic pouch with the cylinder in it from the box. And then... She peeled the flat part of the plastic off!



I'm making the French Onion Soup for dinner tonight. Sure enough, the flat part of the plastic pouch peels right off.



Two decades or more, and I've been opening the soup wrong all these years!

I never bothered to read the box, which has the 'how to open' instructions on it.

OK, your turn.
  #2  
Old 12-15-2017, 07:18 PM
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My husband and I owned a car for two years before we learned how to turn the radio on and off. You had to hold down the power button for a couple of seconds. If you just briefly pressed the power button, all that happened was that the power antenna went on or off, but the radio itself remained on. If we wanted no sound, we just turned the volume down.

In fairness to us, it was a used car with a post-market radio, so the user's manual was of no help (and there was no user's manual for the radio). Still, we could have looked it up online or something. It just never seemed that important. Then once, the dog's butt hit the button for a prolonged period, and we were sort of "Oh." Why didn't we think of that?
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Old 12-15-2017, 07:23 PM
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I used scissors to cut the end off a package of tissue paper just this afternoon (managing to nick my finger in the attempt) and then discovered that the OTHER end of the package was folded over and sealed with sticky tape which could be peeled open easily. Without cutting yourself.

When first resetting the clock in my car, I tried a lot of things: push the "clock" button, set the time, push "clock" again. No luck; returns to the prior time. Push something else. Hold something down while setting time. Many things. Finally looked it up. You set the time by pressing "clock" and typing in the time. That is all. Push nothing else. Just wait. Done! Wow, that is way too easy.
  #4  
Old 12-15-2017, 07:27 PM
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Men and instructions, what can I say?
Mr.Wrekker has never read the first line of any instruction book. I have, but I am not allowed to correct him during said diy project. I have been married long enough to know to just leave when these things happen. I have no idea how he proceeds or gets by. Sometimes things just go away, never to be seen again.
And, as far as cooking, well let's say he would get lost trying to get to the kitchen.
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Old 12-15-2017, 08:02 PM
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A rather dotty woman I know moved house. Her son dismantled many items of furniture, cupboards, etc ... carefully labelling the bolts and screws and so on. Everything was easily transported to the new address in an afternoon. However ... she'd thrown away the box the fittings were in ... to her it was just a box of junk.

Last edited by SeniorCitizen007; 12-15-2017 at 08:04 PM.
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Old 12-15-2017, 08:38 PM
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I switched to decaf some time ago, but the Ms drinks regular. I make her coffee in a drip maker and I make mine in the espresso machine. But it means grinding beans separately. So for several weeks, I would dump out the caf beans from the burr grinder, then dump in some of my beans, and grind away. Problem was that the burr grinder's strength is not in espresso grind, so I kept ending up with coffee grounds that were too coarse. Then dump out any leftover beans, pour hers back in, then repeat all of this a few days later when I ran low again.

Then I opened a cupboard to get out the vacuum sealer, glanced to the left and there sat my coffee/spice grinder looking at me like "Really, dumbass?"
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Old 12-15-2017, 08:45 PM
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When we arrived in Vietnam hubby got a SIM card for his phone, because that’s what you do apparently. I don’t really understand, but whatever. Three weeks later we discover it can be used as a personal hotspot to give my iPad access wherever we are. Doh! That 24hr train ride out of Saigon could have been so, so much more pleasant. Ditto all the times I couldn’t use my translator because I lacked wifi! At the beach, every hotel with lousy wifi, etc, etc.

Apparently we are both knuckleheads when it comes to this internet stuff!
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Old 12-15-2017, 09:11 PM
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1. I go to buy a V-neck sweater (that's not the silly part ). In the store they had many colors, and I thought I'd better buy a color I don't already own, to get maximum utility from it. Light gray really seemed to suit me, so I bought it.
Well, you know where this story is going...I hang it in my wardrobe, and then notice the item right behind it is an identical light gray V-neck sweater.

2. Borrowed a friend's car. I couldn't get the electric windows to wind down, and being as it was an old car, I figured the mechanism was just broken.
I actually almost got into an accident, because the inside of the car started to fog up (titanic style) and I couldn't get the air to circulate either.
Later I realized (thank god I realized on my own and didn't complain to my friend), that I had been pressing the close window button.

Last edited by Mijin; 12-15-2017 at 09:14 PM.
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:19 PM
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Everytime (nearly) I go to the gas station, instead of pushing the gas cap lock opener, I unlock the back glass, I get out of the car can't get the little door open to pump gas in, doh!! Get back in the car start it up and press the right button. And...half the time I forget to reclose the back glass. I notice it when I hear air whooshing behind me. So stop the car get out and reclose the glass.
Don't get me started on how many things I have been locked out of or into (really, it happens)! I am just a mess.
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:35 PM
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I cut off my finger slicing Jarlsberg cheese just the other night. I normally only slice Gruyere. Boy was I surprised! Fucking Jarlsberg....
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:40 PM
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Is that true? You're joking right?
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:47 PM
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I have Windows 10, and I use iTunes. Sometimes when I want to see what's going on sonically in a track, I access the MP3 within the iTunes directory and open it with Audacity. I bring up the track's info window with ctl-i and click on the "file" tab. Using a trick I discovered earlier on my own, I highlight the file location, including the directory (this works in numerous places, not just iTunes). I then right-click and select "copy". In a Windows Explorer window, I then paste the location into the address bar, and voila! I'm now in the track's directory and can do whatever I want.

Today I went into iTunes help to look up a keyboard shortcut for something. As I was scrolling, I saw that "ctl-R" did something I didn't understand. So I tried it and voila! A Windows Explorer window pops up, showing the track's directory!

(Well, actually, first I tried "ctl-r" (lowercase "r") and that didn't do anything. Then I tried "ctl-shift-r" to get the uppercase "R", and that worked.)

I had been pretty proud of myself for discovering the highlighting trick, and it has come in handy. But in this case it kept me from discovering something even easier.
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Old 12-16-2017, 12:01 AM
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I didn't do this but I saw it happen.

My brother was having trouble with his computer. For some reason the background color for his IM's had gone from white to gray. He was trying to switch it back. We found the window that was supposed to set the colors and he reset what he thought was the right selection back to white. But it had no effect; the color was still gray. So he tried a different selection and switched that to white. But still no change. So he tried another selection and the gray was still there. Finally, in frustration he just began hitting everything and turning it white to see what was wrong. But no effect; everything stayed the same color. Then he noticed there was a small button on the bottom of the screen that said "Apply" and he clicked that...
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Old 12-16-2017, 12:05 AM
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Last week, I nearly got smashed by one or more cars in traffic. Why? Because not only did I run a red light - I stopped my car in the middle of the intersection. I was wearing sunglasses which somewhat obscured my vision, but more importantly, I had misjudged the distance and thought I was stopped at the pedestrian walkway. No, I was in the middle of the intersection and had only mere seconds to continue driving on before incoming cars smacked me. My car and I escaped intact, barely.
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Old 12-16-2017, 12:16 AM
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Great thread. I’m sure I have plenty, but it’s probably pride that’s blocking my memory.

I am a legend in my own mind, you see.

I’ll check back in. I know I have plenty!
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Old 12-16-2017, 12:21 AM
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Oh, and around a month ago, I once walked around in public one day with a pair of underpants stuffed into the back of the neck of my polo shirt. I was fortunate that for the most time it was partially hidden by my jacket.
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Old 12-16-2017, 12:35 AM
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One bright summer day I stopped to get gas and discovered the LCD display on the pump to be completely blank. I reported the problem to the person on duty and he came out to check the pump with me and said it looked fine to him. It still looked blank to me so I pushed up my sun glasses for a closer look. Then it looked fine to me too.

Apparently the polarization on my new sunglasses was 90° different to the mask on the pump.
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Old 12-16-2017, 01:28 AM
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Okay, here goes. One of my most embarrassing moments. True story.

Marine Corps Boot Camp, MCRD San Diego, early in 1980. I’m a young stud of 19 back then. Lean and mean. Yes, truly a legend in my own mind. We’re in a classroom, all four platoons in the series, so that’s about 240 recruits. Plus our drill instructors.

The class instructors like to begin with a joke or a story, so the instructor asks us, “Good morning, privates. I’m curious, who here is a virgin?”

Suddenly my right arm, disconnected from my brain and all on its own, thinking it knows what it’s doing, starts rising into the air. I look up and sure enough, that fucking right arm of mine is up in the air. Why the hell did it do that?!?!

I look around the entire room, and there’s only one arm up in the air. Mine.

Shit.

Oh well, too late, it’s up there. I hold it up, high and proud. The instructor, fully expecting nobody to raise his arm, couldn’t believe it and he lost his momentum — he couldn’t deliver his next line.

Pretty embarrassing. Oh well!
  #19  
Old 12-16-2017, 07:00 AM
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Back in 2002 I sent Kayla to school on picture day with her dress on backwards.
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Old 12-16-2017, 08:10 AM
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I once had a loaner car for a few days while mine was in the shop. That first day, I had a few packages I had to retrieve from the back seat. I got out, leaned the driver's seat forward as much as possible, and cursed the automaker because there was so little room to access the rear.

I then moved the seat forward as much as possible and was still amazed how tight it was. What a shitty design, I thought as I squoze myself in to reach my stuff; I'll never buy a Chrysler.

It wasn't until later that day that I realized the car was a four-door.


mmm
  #21  
Old 12-16-2017, 08:19 AM
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Don't use a power drill to drill a board on your lap. That's all I'm saying about that.
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Old 12-16-2017, 08:48 AM
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When you’re installing a ceiling fan, who needs to be careful and go all the way over to the breaker box to turn off the circuit?
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Old 12-16-2017, 09:01 AM
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When you’re installing a ceiling fan, who needs to be careful and go all the way over to the breaker box to turn off the circuit?
This reminds me of a story I've probably told before.

When I was a small child we lived in Japan. At the time, dad wore a Vulcain 'Cricket' watch, a model that was known for its alarm. This is before watches had batteries, so the alarm was not a 'beep-beep, beep-beep'. No, it was a clattering buzz. It sounded exactly like this in fact.

So dad's up on a stool, fixing some wiring in the ceiling light fixture. Just as he finished the job, his alarm went off. He thought he was being electrocuted and fell off of the stool.
  #24  
Old 12-16-2017, 09:07 AM
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A couple of years ago, I'm only working part time, so I've not got much money, and my laptop's broken. My work has a 'rewards' scheme, which has the option of getting gift cards with the rewards point, and I've been saving up the points all year, so I have about £150 worth to spend. The way the system is set up is that you have to order the gift cards and get them posted to you, then once you have the physical card, you can top it up via their system. No charge for the cards, but there is a posting charge per order, and there are card options for two different companies that sell laptops, so I order cards for both.

I spend the next few weeks trying to research what's the best option in my price range, settle on one from company A, and top up the appropriate card online. It's not enough to pay for the whole thing, but I can just afford the extra. I chuck out the unused empty card for company B, and wait for my next day off so I can finally go get my new laptop.

Day off comes, I go to get the card out, and find the card for company B. 'That's funny' I think, 'I was sure I threw this out.'
...



Luckily the rubbish collection hadn't been yet.
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Old 12-16-2017, 09:16 AM
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If you're going to use a hammer to smash a staple down from sticking out and pricking you, dont do it on a glass top desk. I really have lost my mind!

Oh and dont put the sherbet in the refrigerator when you are done with it, dont do it a second time either!
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  #26  
Old 12-16-2017, 09:17 AM
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When you’re replacing a glass shower door, when they break, it really is a spectacular CRASH!
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Old 12-16-2017, 12:54 PM
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Oh, and around a month ago, I once walked around in public one day with a pair of underpants stuffed into the back of the neck of my polo shirt. I was fortunate that for the most time it was partially hidden by my jacket.
Will everyone who has not found, halfway through the day, a dryer sheet poking out of a sleeve or a pants-leg, please raise his/her hand?
  #28  
Old 12-16-2017, 12:57 PM
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^ I hear where you're coming from, but I don't use dryer sheets. How about a mess of shredded Kleenex all over your clothes?
  #29  
Old 12-16-2017, 01:25 PM
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When you’re replacing a glass shower door, when they break, it really is a spectacular CRASH!
That reminds me of something. One time I bought an entertainment center kit but never got around to assembling it, leaving it in a storage building. Years later I decide to use a large pane of glass from it for something (I don't remember what) and go dig it out of storage and carry it back to my house. Not paying close attention, a corner of the glass taps against a granite step going up to my porch, and a fraction of a second later I'm surrounded by thousands of fragments of safety glass. From the whole pane of glass, I don't think there was anything left bigger than a quarter (and most of it smaller.)
  #30  
Old 12-16-2017, 01:28 PM
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Many moons ago, when I was a freshman in college, I had to do a paper for a macroeconomics class based on the book The WORLDLY Philosophers. This was back in the days before computers and spell check. My sister offered to type it for me. I handed it in and the professor, usually a down to earth guy was pissed, mostly because half the class missed the deadline or just didn’t bother. Anyway, he’s skimming through the papers handed in and says something like well, this should be interesting, I have a paper here about The WORDY Philosophers. The class had a small amused reaction, but for some reason, I thought it was an absolute riot. I had tears I laughed so hard and I’m saying to the professor you’ve gotta tell us who handed in that gem. He told me I didn’t want to know but my persistence paid off. Of course, it was mine. I ended up doing well on the paper btw, but typos back then and spellcheck these days can really bite you in the ass.
  #31  
Old 12-16-2017, 02:20 PM
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I remodeled my kitchen years ago over a two-week period. Did it all myself. Everything was going smoothly. my very last task was cutting, gluing, and applying the toe-kick veneer.

I measured, I cut, and I glued. Of course, me being me, I applied the glue on the finished side of the veneer, all up and down it. Had to re-order the piece from the manufacturer. My kitchen remained 'unfinished' for another four weeks.


mmm
  #32  
Old 12-16-2017, 03:16 PM
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I've posted this one before.

I once craved some homemade pasta, and spent a long time making the dough, kneading it, rolling it out, and cutting it into narrow tagliatelle. It cooked up beautifully, and I poured it out carefully into a colander in the sink. When I lifted up the colander to give it a toss or two to help drain it, I lost my grip and the colander flipped neatly over and the whole mass of hot pasta slithered down into the dirty garbage disposal.

Since I had some good sauce ready, I had to cook up some dry pasta out of the cupboard for dinner that night. It just wasn't the same.
  #33  
Old 12-16-2017, 03:22 PM
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My tractor broke down. The engine ran but no power was going to the wheels. I had had a clutch spline strip once before and was afraid it was that again. I had a local tractor repair shop trailer it to their facility, where they diagnosed that the high/low range lever was in the middle position, Neutral. They said they'd only charge me $100 for moving it twice and looking it over, and I asked how much extra to not tell any of my neighbors.


I think, though, that I probably deserved this. Some years earlier I had to replace the hydraulic fluid dipstick because it was bent, so I went to the parts department at the same shop and asked for one. The clerk brought it out, and I asked how much more it would be to have it installed. She spent several minutes on the computer and thumbing through manuals, trying to find the price and unsure why she couldn't find it, until I broke down and told her she could stop.
  #34  
Old 12-16-2017, 03:52 PM
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A couple years ago it occurred to me that I did not have to use my teeth to remove the little plastic safety cap on my deodorant. I never realized you could twist up the deodorant. I’m 39 years old.
  #35  
Old 12-16-2017, 03:59 PM
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I've posted this one before.

I once craved some homemade pasta, and spent a long time making the dough, kneading it, rolling it out, and cutting it into narrow tagliatelle. It cooked up beautifully, and I poured it out carefully into a colander in the sink. When I lifted up the colander to give it a toss or two to help drain it, I lost my grip and the colander flipped neatly over and the whole mass of hot pasta slithered down into the dirty garbage disposal.

Since I had some good sauce ready, I had to cook up some dry pasta out of the cupboard for dinner that night. It just wasn't the same.
Tragic!!!!!
  #36  
Old 12-16-2017, 04:07 PM
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Will everyone who has not found, halfway through the day, a dryer sheet poking out of a sleeve or a pants-leg, please raise his/her hand?
Quote:
Originally Posted by burpo the wonder mutt View Post
^ I hear where you're coming from, but I don't use dryer sheets. How about a mess of shredded Kleenex all over your clothes?
Yes. I think I have done both in one load, actually.
  #37  
Old 12-16-2017, 04:54 PM
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I've posted this one before.

I once craved some homemade pasta, and spent a long time making the dough, kneading it, rolling it out, and cutting it into narrow tagliatelle. It cooked up beautifully, and I poured it out carefully into a colander in the sink. When I lifted up the colander to give it a toss or two to help drain it, I lost my grip and the colander flipped neatly over and the whole mass of hot pasta slithered down into the dirty garbage disposal.

Since I had some good sauce ready, I had to cook up some dry pasta out of the cupboard for dinner that night. It just wasn't the same.
That reminds me just a couple weeks ago I made some braised chicken thighs. Being healthy I was willing to forgo the Chicken fat, but not being an idiot I wasn't going to waste the rest of the drippings. So I my colander out to be ready to strain and separate. 20 minutes or so later I was ready to strain the liquid but I couldn't find my colander anymore. I finally gave up and grabbed a hand help wire strainer and strained the liquid into a bowl in the sink. Just as the last of the liquid drained through the strainer I found my colander again. It was the "bowl" in the sink.
Yum Yum, two dirty strainers, and a spent bay leaf and some ribbons of lemon zest are all to show for it.

Last edited by wolfman; 12-16-2017 at 04:54 PM.
  #38  
Old 12-16-2017, 04:54 PM
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I have one of those waiter-style corkscrews with the little knife that flips out so you can cut the foil seal over the bottle, then flip out the actual corkscrew and pop out the cork. After years of practice, I've gotten pretty good at expertly removing the foil and doing the uncorking.

So one day I had a hell of a time. It was a new wine I'd never had before, and it had the thickest, stiffest foil I'd ever encountered. After hacking away for a while I finally got it gouged and cut enough to be able to painfully rip it off, at which point the screw top on the bottle fell off by itself with a pathetic little plink.

It's not like I'd never seen a screw top before. But this one was cleverly disguised. Yeah, that's it, it was disguised!
  #39  
Old 12-16-2017, 05:09 PM
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My life consists of perpetually feeling like an idiot despite the fact I'm (allegedly) pretty smart.

I think my favorite one was when a friend who was living in Japan mentioned he took a trip to Cambodia and I asked, "Oh. Did you drive?"

SPOILER:
He did not.


People have been lecturing me about ''Common Sense'' for a long time. I'm not sure what that is, but I'm assuming since I'm not common, I don't have any.

Sr. Weasel also has his share of the dumb. He recently came to the profound realization that if you put a lid on a pot of water, it boils faster. Then there was the time he tried to make mashed potatoes and didn't know you were supposed to cook the potatoes first. I just walked into the kitchen and saw him futilely trying to mash raw potatoes.
  #40  
Old 12-16-2017, 05:12 PM
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There was the time I put a container of ice cream in the microwave for a few seconds to soften it up enough to scoop more easily. When it beeped that it was done, I was already doing something else, and thought, I'll get the ice cream out of the nuker as soon as I'm finished with this, it'll only take half a minute.

The next evening, my wife noticed that we had a microwave full of melted ice cream.

ETA: Microwaves nowadays beep at you every so often if you don't take your food out (or at least open the nuker's door). I'm really glad they do that, otherwise I'm sure I'd have done similar stuff more recently. But this was >25 years ago, before the 'nagging' beep was a standard feature on cheapo microwaves.

Last edited by RTFirefly; 12-16-2017 at 05:16 PM.
  #41  
Old 12-16-2017, 05:51 PM
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Okay, here goes. One of my most embarrassing moments. True story.

Marine Corps Boot Camp, MCRD San Diego, early in 1980. I’m a young stud of 19 back then. Lean and mean. Yes, truly a legend in my own mind. We’re in a classroom, all four platoons in the series, so that’s about 240 recruits. Plus our drill instructors.

The class instructors like to begin with a joke or a story, so the instructor asks us, “Good morning, privates. I’m curious, who here is a virgin?”

Suddenly my right arm, disconnected from my brain and all on its own, thinking it knows what it’s doing, starts rising into the air. I look up and sure enough, that fucking right arm of mine is up in the air. Why the hell did it do that?!?!

I look around the entire room, and there’s only one arm up in the air. Mine.

Shit.

Oh well, too late, it’s up there. I hold it up, high and proud. The instructor, fully expecting nobody to raise his arm, couldn’t believe it and he lost his momentum — he couldn’t deliver his next line.

Pretty embarrassing. Oh well!
Is that where you got your nickname from? "Private Bullitt, have yet another date with Rosie Palms last night?"

Last edited by John DiFool; 12-16-2017 at 05:51 PM.
  #42  
Old 12-16-2017, 05:58 PM
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Originally Posted by kaylasdad99 View Post
Back in 2002 I sent Kayla to school on picture day with her dress on backwards.


My brother-in-law sent his son to preschool in a skort one day.
  #43  
Old 12-16-2017, 06:39 PM
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My life consists of perpetually feeling like an idiot despite the fact I'm (allegedly) pretty smart.
You accepted a job moderating the SDMB. You are an idiot. I have personal experience with this.

Enjoying the mug, I hope?
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Uke
  #44  
Old 12-16-2017, 06:44 PM
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I think my favorite one was when a friend who was living in Japan mentioned he took a trip to Cambodia and I asked, "Oh. Did you drive?"
Ah wow, how'd ya get a car?
Oh, my folks drove it up here from the Bahamas.
You're kidding.
I must be, the Bahamas are islands.


  #45  
Old 12-16-2017, 06:45 PM
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ETA: Microwaves nowadays beep at you every so often if you don't take your food out (or at least open the nuker's door). I'm really glad they do that, otherwise I'm sure I'd have done similar stuff more recently.
I turned the beeper on our microwave oven off.
  #46  
Old 12-16-2017, 06:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Ukulele Ike View Post
You accepted a job moderating the SDMB. You are an idiot. I have personal experience with this.
Accepted? In the spirit of this thread, I ought to admit I asked.
  #47  
Old 12-16-2017, 07:05 PM
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Accepted? In the spirit of this thread, I ought to admit I asked.
:quietly edges away from Spice Weasel:
  #48  
Old 12-16-2017, 07:13 PM
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I left the lil'wrekker at kindergarten one day. I have a good excuse. Her teacher was also the Mother of her little girlfriend. We had a play date scheduled, I mixed the days up. They had 2 play dates that week.
  #49  
Old 12-16-2017, 07:21 PM
Balthisar is offline
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I've only had cars with automatic climate control since about 2002, other than my Expedition, which I seldom drive, and didn't drive for five years when on an overseas assignment. I only use it for camping, or going to the state parks or one of the Metro Parks (so I only have to buy one sticker for each, rather than one for each car).

Once the weather started getting warm this year, I was taking my mountain bike to the nearby state park, and couldn't get the interior to cool down. I ended up turning on the rear air conditioner just to try to get some relief. I told myself that's the consequence for five years of storage and grumbled that I'd have to pay for a repair.

It wasn't until a trip a few weeks later that, yeah, I remembered that I had to adjust the mixer valve and not just hit the A/C button.
  #50  
Old 12-16-2017, 08:08 PM
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when I got my new cell phone I tried to take some photos of some wild turkeys in the yard and I ended up with 50 photos or more ! I kept my finger on the button not realizing I was taking so many photos . I took a photo
of my daughter and got 3 photos ! I told her I can tell people I had triplet .
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