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#1
03-02-2012, 07:52 AM
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My tumultuous best friend is no longer talking to me - how to fix?
Hey all, I will try to keep this as simple and brief as possible.
So this best friend of mine was also an ex. We were very on-and-off in 2010-2011. I think he still likes me and sometimes we FWB but recently I stopped that. I made a trip to see him recently (purely as friends) and everything was really nice, we took some photos on a nice walk and things. I got home, uploaded and tagged the photos save for one which I feared looked a little couply and I didn't want to confuse people (bodies leaning in towards each other, his arm round me, both with sweet smiles, his head is leaning towards mine... etc) so I sent that one to him through email instead as it was still a nice picture, but not one I would necessarily want public. Immediately, he uploaded the picture and tagged me in it. I saw it and immediately detagged and sent him a message saying "whyyyy did you do that, that pic was supposed to be private  ". Cue following message conversation:"What, now you're afraid of being seen with me?" "No, I just think that picture might confuse people into thinking we're together, you know it's not unexpected because we HAVE gone out in the past, I'm not afraid of being seen with you, I just uploaded a bunch of other pics of our time together" "Next time we meet I'll make sure to stay your horrific little secret." "I'm sorry, forget about it, I was being uncool." "So I'll just put a paper bag over my head in future, you don't realise how HURTFUL you're being." "Don't you think you're over-reacting a little? I never asked you to remove the picture." "Are you ashamed of our friendship? I've never considered myself that embarrasing to someone else." As if to prove my point, 3 hours later, 5 of his family members had commented on the photo commenting on how nice we looked as a couple or 'liking' the photo. --__-- I pointed this out to him and he wanted me to state on the photo that we're just friends, as he did. I didn't want to as that would simply stir up more 'action' and commenting on the photo so I just wanted to let it lie and forget about it all. Since then, he hasn't spoken to me. I know it wasn't the best move by me to call him out on tagging me, but I do think he's over-reacting here over just one silly little photo. I've messaged him several times now and he won't reply. I seriously can't believe how immature he's being. It is a tumultuous relationship I admit, we often broke-up/made-up because of this very kind of incident happening multiple times. However, he's never given me a 2-week silent treatment before. What can I do? I just want to forget about this whole thing and move on, but it seems he's not letting it go. Honest advice/comments would be appreciated. 
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#2
03-02-2012, 08:04 AM
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This seems to be another case proving that it is hard, if not impossible, to remain friends with exes.
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#3
03-02-2012, 08:07 AM
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You (both) are behaving more like a couple than a couple of friends.
This indicates that there is still something simmering somewhere. You are not yet ready to be just friends. mmm
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#8
03-02-2012, 08:49 AM
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Him: Drama llama.
You: callous and clueless. yay for a winning combination! ETA: the fix if to stay away from one another without contact for a significant period, perhaps up to a year depending on how long you've been dating/fucking/snuggling sweetly for the camera. Last edited by Hello Again; 03-02-2012 at 08:50 AM.
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#10
03-02-2012, 10:00 AM
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Mod note
Welcome to the SDMB, BerryBlast.
I'm going to move this thread to our advice-giving forum, IMHO (In My Humble Opinion). You didn't do anything wrong -- I just think it's a better fit over there. Again, welcome. twickster, MPSIMS moderator
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#11
03-02-2012, 10:00 AM
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Omg *chuckle*. It's actually been a year since we were a couple and we've both dated other people since. During that period, we were in touch less. But when we both broke up with our respective people, we got in touch again as friends/FWB.
Guuuuhhhhh.
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#12
03-02-2012, 10:13 AM
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The problem may be that you were not FWB, you were Ex-es hooking up. Not the same thing.
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#13
03-02-2012, 10:19 AM
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Look, I realize you dated a couple of years ago, but you're both 16 years old now and should try to move on with your lives.
I'm assuming.
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#15
03-02-2012, 11:15 AM
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Last edited by Kimmy_Gibbler; 03-02-2012 at 11:16 AM.
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#16
03-02-2012, 11:37 AM
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He obviously still has feelings for you, and probably realizes that it's not what you want, he just doesn't know how to handle it. So he's backing off. Give him a bit of time. I went through something similar with an ex: We were great friends for years, got together for a couple of years, and recognized it wasn't the best match. So we agreed to split, but couldn't bear not still being friends. So we did that for a few months, and it was...ok...until he wanted to gush to me all about this new girl he was seeing.
At that point I realized I needed a little more time to change how I felt about him, so I told him that. I asked for about a month, just to get my head together and move on, and then I'd be back, hopefully feeling less sad about it. It was the most grown-up decision I had made to date, and involved wrestling a LOT of emotions around. It worked, eventually...two weeks into the month, he showed up at my doorstep, distressed because he'd 'lost his friend'. We'd been together so long, as friends, that it'd turned into a kind of need...which is fine if you can stay friends, but what can you do when it interferes with romance? It takes time for both parties to re-adjust to a new situation. It sounds as if you have, and he hasn't. He may not be able to get past this, but maybe he can. Give him some time, but I wouldn't give up just yet. Just recognize that, if he does come back as a friend, you may not get all the satisfaction you did when he was still wanting more from you. You will have to accept that, too.
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#17
03-02-2012, 01:00 PM
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 We're in our mid-twenties, but yeah. Okay, I suppose what people are saying is that we should just have some space for now... :/
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#18
03-02-2012, 01:07 PM
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#19
03-02-2012, 01:25 PM
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He might still want to FWB with you (or maybe even be your bf again). You don't want to do that. Cutting off communication is the smartest thing to do, even if it's not easy. There was no need for him to get all overly-dramatic and weird about it, instead of honest, but that's how a lot of young people roll these days.
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#20
03-02-2012, 02:05 PM
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My best advice - Watch for this sarcasm in the future. Effective arguing doesn't happen like that. You have to be able to say, "Please explain your point to me," without repetitive sarcasm. Is he a name-caller, too? Take this as a general rule, there are exceptions...You break up with someone, they want to get back together, they understand and accept what the previous problems were, and state that they have "changed," (Oh, baby, I promise, it'll never happen again...) if you loved them, ok, one more chance. (Unless the problem is that they hit you -get out and never look back.) If then a second break-up happens for the same reason, no more chances. They're telling you what you want to hear, and you are wasting time. I'd rather be alone than miserable.
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#21
03-02-2012, 02:44 PM
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Without reading another reply:
The Silent Treatment™ is classic manipulation, designed to make you upset and go crawling back and prostrate yourself and possibly even throw yourself on your sword in order to repent for the heinous crime you've committed against your passive-aggressive friend. The only way to fight The Silent Treatment™ is to pretend you haven't noticed that you're getting no response. The only way The Silent Treatment™ hurts you is if you let it. "Why won't you answer? What's wrrooooonnnnng?" is exactly what the perpetrator of The Silent Treatment wants. I would invoke my Three Strikes rule: If I reach out/contact you/invite you or whatever three times in a row and get no response, a firm no, and no reciprocation, I take the hint that you really aren't all that interested in feeding and watering a friendship with me, and I back off. I will not be that clingy, needy friend who can't take a hint. So I'd give this friend three chances to respond to me in some way and if he doesn't, buh-bye, he will be missed. And then just move on. In what other ways is this guy controlling?
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#22
03-02-2012, 03:07 PM
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#23
03-02-2012, 04:35 PM
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#24
03-02-2012, 05:14 PM
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#25
03-03-2012, 04:16 AM
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Wow, that Silent Treatment post was very insightful!
Why Child, you're right, doing the conversation, he never once did address my points, only continuing his barrage of drama. A case of only hearing what he wanted to hear vs. what I had to say methinks. Actually, the reason why we're tumultuous is because he often broke up with me. He would often over-react to things that would be quite a small deal to other people (I think) and consider it a deal-breaker. That's why when he cooled down (after a day or two), he would always want to get back together. Our personalities are rather opposite, he's super kind, sensitive, a little shy. I can be rather blunt and outgoing. I rage but forgive and forget easily. He ingrains every bad moment into his soul. Like this one. We're friends because we have the same wide-ranging hobbies and interests in life which we've never found in anyone else.
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#26
03-03-2012, 08:27 AM
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I'm completely with Dogzilla on this. Sulking and the silent treatment are mind games. I don't play mind games, because I'm not fifteen.
If someone gives me the silent treatment with no explanation, I try three times and then ignore them. They can either tell me what the problem is so we can sort it out like grownups, or decide to forget about it and just be friends as normal, or take their drama elsewhere. I don't play 'Oh pleeeease tell me what I did wrong so I can beg for forgiveness!!!!' If someone throws a hissy fit like this one and then starts with the silent treatment, I send one e-mail/voice message/whatever laying out my side. ('Hi, I'm really sorry I hurt you by untagging that photo. I didn't mean to be hurtful - you're absolutely not embarrassing to me in any way - I was just aiming for clarity. I value our friendship a huge amount, and I'd love to hear from you if/when you're ready.') Then I leave the other person to it. He'll either go away for good, or else get over himself and get in touch. That's what I'd do here. Make sure you say what you want to say, calmly and directly and with love or affection or whatever you have for this guy. Then leave him to deal with it as he chooses. Don't get sucked into his drama. At this point I have very few friends who play mind games. Partly this is because none of us are fifteen, but partly it's because the drama brigade have either taken their drama elsewhere or decided it's not worth trying it on me any more.
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#27
03-03-2012, 09:01 AM
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#28
03-03-2012, 09:32 AM
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#29
03-03-2012, 09:52 AM
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I think the answer here is that the OP needs to establish some boundaries, have some mercy on this guy who is clearly on a different emotional page than the OP, and just let the relationship (friendship or otherwise) end. No more reaching out, no trying to mend things, just let it end. And bonus advice: the OP should look into the rage issue, too. Just because she can fly off the handle and forget about it quickly doesn't mean that's an ok thing to subject other people to. Last edited by Ravenman; 03-03-2012 at 09:53 AM.
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#31
03-03-2012, 10:17 AM
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I agree that it's still unfair. And I focused on the mind-games element because mind games bug me, personally, more than inconsiderateness. (Inconsiderateness is much simpler and cleaner to deal with upfront: 'Hey, what you did really hurt me' and a ten-minute discussion to clear the air and set out future boundaries, versus weeks of trying to work out WTF is going on, never mind how to fix it, never mind when or why it's all going to start up again, and just GAH.) But I'm not convinced that the only solution is to end the friendship. Even looking at the situation the other way round, with the focus on the OP not having been considerate of this guy's stronger feelings, I still think that the best thing is for her to lay out her side, tell him how much she does value his friendship, and let him respond when/if he's ready. That may be never, or he may be on the same page as her sooner or later, and that should be up to him to determine on his own. If she gets sucked into the drama, then he doesn't get the space to do that, because he's busy with the drama.
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#32
03-03-2012, 11:09 AM
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You overreacted to him posting the picture. He overreacted to your overreaction. Based on your descriptions, neither of you is coming across as particularly mature here.
I won't tell you what I think you should do, because you're going to do what you want anyway. But my observation is that the two of you don't seem to bring out the best in one another, so you may want to keep that in mind when assessing the future of this friendship/relationship/whatever it is.
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#33
03-03-2012, 11:22 AM
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There's something that I can't quite define in your sending him the pic and then saying "I don't want people to get the wrong idea." Something wrong with that. WTF did you even send it to him, if you were worried about people (including him) getting the wrong idea?
Or, why not just send it to him, keep a sock in it, and assume that he wasn't an idiot? If, from past experience, you knew he was an idiot, well... As I said, there's something here not right with you. I've heard the 'don't want people to get the wrong idea..." thing before, and, there is something in it...manipulation? cruelty? toying? Can't quite define it... I think that you are being too full of yourself when you act as if you were done dirt in his not addressing your needs in your conversation. Of course, he may be a nut case, and all, but, you called up to give him crap. And, you're constantly sending him mixed signals...and now he's the insensitive one for not validating you? Next time you get the hots, find another ex to do it with, not this one. You can't handle him.
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#34
03-03-2012, 11:48 AM
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He wants something different than you want. You aren't even letting him indulge in the fantasy (which is good, you shouldn't). But that means that he'll find it really hard to be around you. The terms you need for this friendship right now are incompatible with the terms he needs. This may change given time, it may not change. Move this particular friend from "best" category into "acquaintance" category and move on.
I think you are both setting good boundaries, the problem is that those boundaries aren't compatible.
__________________
One day, in Teletubbie land, it was Tinkie Winkie's turn to wear the skirt.
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#35
03-03-2012, 12:30 PM
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Okay, fair play on the comments. I admit I would hardly win any Girlfriend of the Year awards. It might come across like we don't have fun at all, when we do sometimes. I think it's rather sad that no matter how hard we want to be in each other's lives (as evinced by the number of times we get back together), however, one small simple thing can just shatter the relationship/friendship.
Just to lay it all out there: We were together for 2 years (1 year normal, 1 year LDR), then we both dated other people for several months, then FWB for a few months. However, we don't see each other all that much because we're not in the same city, although I do make trips to that city as much as I can because it's where lots of my friends are. So when I say FWB, it's not like we just call each other up for a booty call all the time. Ravenman: Rage hasn't come up so much any more, but it has been a year since we were together anyway. It was a nice picture, and he knew about it when I took the photo and he wanted it. He seems to think there was nothing couply about the photo whilst the evidence seems to state otherwise. I have very clearly stated my boundaries and intentions (whenever prompted) BUT when we see each other, he often presses for some 'fun' saying we're both single, the sex is good, why not? Sometimes I give in, sometimes it feels off. <--- There are probably lots of fallacies and contradictions in this section.
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#36
03-05-2012, 11:09 AM
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I think you should check out Heartless Bitches International, read The Manipulator Files section and see if anything rings true to you. If I'm way far off base, then you'll have spent some time on interesting reading. If I nailed it, you may find some of the articles there extremely helpful.
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#37
03-05-2012, 01:48 PM
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