Tired of not getting good sex

[honda1268]

I have been married for 24 years. My husband and I use to have great sex. Now Well... He has refused to go down on me and His fingers have stopped working! It's quick and to the point. I have tried many things; lotions, candy, ect. I am a very clean person. He just doesn't want to do it! Help I need more than just 3-5 mins then "was that good for you?" or "man... you worn me out". Really?! I have talked to him but it's getting worst.

[StusBlues]

Reported.

[Wheelz]

You need a side piece. PM me.

[Lanzy]

Time for his physical? Seriously could be medical.

[Vinyl Turnip]

Whatever the the problem is, I'm sure the answer will be found in Chicago.

[johnpost]

its the Chicago water that changes the composition of your precious bodily fluids.

[StusBlues]

Originally Posted by Lanzy

Time for his physical? Seriously could be medical.

Nah. Her complaint is that the man has basically cut out the foreplay. Unless he's had a spinal injury, it's unlikely to be medical. More likely, he needs some schooling on making love [Sean Connery]the Chicago way[/Sean Connery].

[Silophant]

I'm certainly glad this doesn't happen in Minnesota.

[Darth Panda]

Tie him up and sit on his face.

[C K Dexter Haven]

Moderator comment:
On the off-chance that this is a legit poster with an unusual first post, I'm moving the thread from Chicago-related (which explains some of the above comments) to MPSIMS forum. honda1268, assuming you're an actual poster with a problem, you'll get better responses in that forum.

My guess is that it's most likely that this is just trolling; if honda1269 doesn't return to post, please report this to the MPSIMS forum and we'll disappear it. But, I thought I'd give her some benefit of doubt.

[StGermain]

I wonder if she's quadriplegic?

StG

[Rachellelogram]

Maybe if you did the dishes once in a while.

[honda1268]

Originally Posted by C K Dexter Haven

Moderator comment:
On the off-chance that this is a legit poster with an unusual first post, I'm moving the thread from Chicago-related (which explains some of the above comments) to MPSIMS forum. honda1268, assuming you're an actual poster with a problem, you'll get better responses in that forum.

My guess is that it's most likely that this is just trolling; if honda1269 doesn't return to post, please report this to the MPSIMS forum and we'll disappear it. But, I thought I'd give her some benefit of doubt.

Yes, this is my first posting! Yes, I posted in the wrong forum. Truly sorry if I offended anyone. You guys are great though. My husband has no medical reason. except age. If I tied him up and sat on his face I would have to hear him gag the whole time.
I love johnpost 's answer about the water. But I live in Amish country in Ohio.
I think StusBlues has the right idea about him needing more schooling. But at his age and with his ego that wont happen.
I will try to move the post. Thanks everyone.

[honda1268]

Originally Posted by C K Dexter Haven

Moderator comment:
On the off-chance that this is a legit poster with an unusual first post, I'm moving the thread from Chicago-related (which explains some of the above comments) to MPSIMS forum. honda1268, assuming you're an actual poster with a problem, you'll get better responses in that forum.

My guess is that it's most likely that this is just trolling; if honda1269 doesn't return to post, please report this to the MPSIMS forum and we'll disappear it. But, I thought I'd give her some benefit of doubt.

Thanks for moving my post!

[honda1268]

Originally Posted by StGermain

I wonder if she's quadriplegic?

StG

No! I am a very healthy, strong person that's not too bad looking women.

[honda1268]

Originally Posted by rachelellogram

Maybe if you did the dishes once in a while.

Ok That was uncalled for. I am a photographer with a small studio and I also work at a near by college. I work almost day and night.
I take care of a 2 story home (4 bathrooms by the way). Cooking, laundry, and cleaning a little bit everyday. I have no help. All he cleans is the garage! He does work about 50 hours a week. I work about 70 hours.

[Cicero]

Honda 1268, have you tried watching steamy movies together?

[kanicbird]

When I read your post I knew the answer to the problem is not sexual, just the bad sex is a result of a breakdown in other areas in your marital life.

Originally Posted by honda1268

Ok That was uncalled for. I am a photographer with a small studio and I also work at a near by college. I work almost day and night.
I take care of a 2 story home (4 bathrooms by the way). Cooking, laundry, and cleaning a little bit everyday. I have no help. All he cleans is the garage! He does work about 50 hours a week. I work about 70 hours.

This was a defensive response designed to deflect one from looking there, which indicated to me it is a good place to start to look.

This part in particular:

I have no help. All he cleans is the garage!

Is telling - victim mentality
As well as:

He does work about 50 hours a week. I work about 70 hours.

Judgmental and keeping track

Both are very bad for a relationship, and since these 2 came out so easily they are on your mind and will be effecting your togetherness and love life. In particular feeling judged and keeping track is a killer of sexual attraction.

I can not state this enough, keeping track or score is a killer of sexual attraction.

In my own belief you should not try to change anyone else (as that is doomed to fail), but you can change yourself - and by changing yourself you can always change and solve the problems in life you have been experiencing. In short your ability to get great sex is solely in your control, not his.

You have to accept that he is where he is in his life and you need to improve yourself and your circumstances so you don't feel the way expressed, now how you go about doing this depends a lot on you and your talents and desires. But try different things and see what works for you, it's in your hands, not his.

[WhyNot]

Get a vibrator. Seriously. If you're not going to seek a sex life outside of your marriage, and your husband's not willing to improve your sex life within your marriage, then you'll have to, uh, take matters into your own hands.

My SO and I have a great sex life, and yet sometimes I will bring out BOB (Battery Opperated Boyfriend), just because I feel like having an(other) orgasm and he's too tired/too busy/too distracted. Sometimes, even, I bring out BOB to join us in bed, which ensures that I can have as many orgasms as I want, and my SO gets to watch - and is often inspired to join in!

I'm dead serious here. There's absolutely no reason for a woman to have an unsatisfying sex life in this day and age when sex toys are available on line and even in drug stores (they're by the condoms).

Having a satisfying marriage is another question entirely. That does take two.

[Jman]

To the OP - try not to get offended by the odd comments here...we just went through a major trolling issue on the board and people are very quick to judge nowadays, and it is somewhat unusual for a first post to be on a subject that can be a hot button topic. (which has everyone's ears pricking up in alarm).

When you've talked to him, have you gone into how it makes you feel, and that you're unsatisfied? Does he seem to care? Does he have a sex drive right now?

If he just doesn't have any sex drive and is just going through the motions to give you SOMETHING, then maybe look at what factors could be affecting his drive. Is he under a lot of stress? Are there possible medical issues? These are things that can potentially be solved and you'd go back to the great sex. It is understandable to have a reduced sex drive if one of you is stressed out all the time, or something else, and this will ebb and flow throughout the marriage as I'm sure you know. But, when you ARE both in the mood, it shouldn't be a 'going through the motions' event.

If, however, he's horny, but just doesn't want to do any work....well, that's a different problem entirely, and may call for some couples counseling.

[Omar Little]

Do you have a regular date night? If so, take turns planning what happens on date night, including what goes on in the bedroom. On his night he gets to plan the sex and you do what he wants, on your night you get to plan and he has to do what you want.

[bup]

Do you ever try in the morning? One stereotype that I've found is somewhat true is that men want sex in the morning; women want it at night. You may be able to get him more enthusiastic at a different time.

And I'm sorry he won't go down on you. But I have no advice.

[twickster]

Since you're looking for advice, I'll move this to our advice-giving forum, IMHO.

twickstwer, MPSIMS moderator

[honda1268]

Originally Posted by kanicbird

When I read your post I knew the answer to the problem is not sexual, just the bad sex is a result of a breakdown in other areas in your marital life.




This was a defensive response designed to deflect one from looking there, which indicated to me it is a good place to start to look.

This part in particular:

Is telling - victim mentality
As well as:

Judgmental and keeping track

Both are very bad for a relationship, and since these 2 came out so easily they are on your mind and will be effecting your togetherness and love life. In particular feeling judged and keeping track is a killer of sexual attraction.

I can not state this enough, keeping track or score is a killer of sexual attraction.

In my own belief you should not try to change anyone else (as that is doomed to fail), but you can change yourself - and by changing yourself you can always change and solve the problems in life you have been experiencing. In short your ability to get great sex is solely in your control, not his.

You have to accept that he is where he is in his life and you need to improve yourself and your circumstances so you don't feel the way expressed, now how you go about doing this depends a lot on you and your talents and desires. But try different things and see what works for you, it's in your hands, not his.

Actually I love cleaning and taking care of my home and family. I don't want him to do those things. I love taking take of him. I have never refused having sex. I have always tried to give him what he needs sexually and/or emotionally. On the other side of things. I have been rejected. I have been the one that is call silly for wanting to try new things, I am the one who hide my tears after faking an orgasm for him and realizing that it will be like this forever. It's not just not having the orgasm, it's only having a few moments to be intimate with him. I'm thinking that will be the closest at i will get to him anymore.
I do feel that he is the one that has changed. He use to cuddle, he use to want to do foreplay and at least talk to me in a loving manner. Now its "I have an itch that I need scratched."
That not all. He doesn't want to go anywhere, do anything that i might enjoy. I love to walk. I love to fish, camp, bowl, play games, hike, golf, dance, socialize. He does none of that. He comes home eats, sits in his chair and falls a sleep with out a conversation.

I am willing to work hard at him. After 24 years I have too much invested in this. But really how hard to you have to work in order to get payment?!

And I do disagree with your last statement. Great sex for him is in my control. He thinks he gets that. Great sex for me is in his. A great marriage takes 2. I should know I use to have one.

[johnpost]

one reason good for morning is that men can have higher testosterone levels in the morning, more important in middle age and older. also the physical and mental fatigue of the day hasn't dropped a guy's energy yet.

[Philster]

Get him to stop whacking off to porn. He's so tapped out doing that, his sex drive in real life is down.

Everyone will evaluate your marriage, but chances are he is either in bad shape and not getting enough man juices flowing to want to jump you, or his main juices are flowing, but he is being satiated by something else, like the computer.

[Jman]

I don't think this is a porn issue. This is a him issue. It sounds like he is just no longer interested in, well, anything. It could it be he's just lost total interest in you, which is sad, and may mean your marriage is really in trouble. It's also possible he's got some medical condition that is making him utterly lazy. There are some hormonal and glandular and blood conditions that can cause this sort of lethargy. But, I think that couples counseling is in order for sure. And, if he doesn't care enough to go through with that in order to help, and if he doesn't care that it's tearing you up, then it might be time to separate.

[listedmia]

Have you adequately explained to him that you're not satisfied? If you're faking orgasms he may not be aware. He might think that you're totally fine with the sex you're getting and you're just upset about some other random silly thing.

In my experience, just saying "Mmmm, babe, I really want to cum for you and I'm soooo close, can you please go down on me/finger me/watch me masturbate/whatever for a minute?" works wonders.

On the other hand, if he's losing interests in lots of other things, counselling would probably be a good idea.

[Little Nemo]

Originally Posted by honda1268

I have been married for 24 years. My husband and I use to have great sex. Now Well... He has refused to go down on me and His fingers have stopped working! It's quick and to the point. I have tried many things; lotions, candy, ect. I am a very clean person. He just doesn't want to do it! Help I need more than just 3-5 mins then "was that good for you?" or "man... you worn me out". Really?! I have talked to him but it's getting worst.

You say he refuses to perform oral sex now. Did he use to do it?

When you talked to him, did you ask about why he stopped? If so, what was his answer?

[Lanzy]

Originally Posted by StusBlues

Nah. Her complaint is that the man has basically cut out the foreplay. Unless he's had a spinal injury, it's unlikely to be medical. More likely, he needs some schooling on making love [Sean Connery]the Chicago way[/Sean Connery].

Disagree unless you consider any possible mental illnesses to be Not medical. He quit doing something he once did, this is a sign that something is wrong not that he just got lazy. It could be that he quit caring about her but even that it is worth knowing that is Just what is wrong.

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by Lanzy

He quit doing something he once did, this is a sign that something is wrong not that he just got lazy. It could be that he quit caring about her but even that it is worth knowing that is Just what is wrong.

Maybe he never enjoyed it in the first place, and now that the relationship's older he doesn't feel the need to continue.

Isn't that the number one reason why women stop giving BJ's?

Sounds like from the OP, the real issue isn't sex, but general emotional intimacy with her partner.

[Taomist]

+1 for the couples counselling. If he doesn't want to go, and is not interested in changing, then it might be time for you to think about being happier on your own.

[heathen earthling]

Originally Posted by Little Nemo

You say he refuses to perform oral sex now. Did he use to do it?

When you talked to him, did you ask about why he stopped? If so, what was his answer?

I am not honda1268's husband, but I stopped performing oral sex when I became better educated about the disease risks. Apparently you can give your partner herpes from oral sex if you've ever had a cold sore, even if you don't currently have any visible sores on your mouth! Not a risk I'm willing to take, even if it does strain the relationship slightly at times.

[CarnalK]

Originally Posted by heathen earthling

I am not honda1268's husband, but I stopped performing oral sex when I became better educated about the disease risks. Apparently you can give your partner herpes from oral sex if you've ever had a cold sore, even if you don't currently have any visible sores on your mouth! Not a risk I'm willing to take, even if it does strain the relationship slightly at times.

So I guess if you had genital herpes, you would never have sex again?

[Rick]

Originally Posted by heathen earthling

I am not honda1268's husband, but I stopped performing oral sex when I became better educated about the disease risks. Apparently you can give your partner herpes from oral sex if you've ever had a cold sore, even if you don't currently have any visible sores on your mouth! Not a risk I'm willing to take, even if it does strain the relationship slightly at times.

Cite?
This page disagrees with you. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/in...0154933AAvLkbL

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by heathen earthling

even if it does strain the relationship slightly at times.

Honey, no matter how much you beg, I'm not going down on you for your own sake.

[heathen earthling]

Originally Posted by Rick

Cite?
This page disagrees with you. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/in...0154933AAvLkbL

No it doesn't. From the top answer:

Yes, you can get genital herpes from having oral sex from someone who has the cold sore virus.

Oral hsv-1 - the virus that causes cold sores - is the most infectious form of herpes. It is infectious about 18% of the time in total - about 10% of the time when you have no symptoms.

I caught genital herpes seven years into my relationship with my boyfriend. We were aware of the possibility of him spreading it to me, so he didn't give me oral sex very often and he was scrupulously careful to avoid giving it me when he had any symptom he thought might indicate the virus was active - a tingle on his lip etc. He did not have a cold sore at the time he transmitted it to me, and hadn't for months.

I'm the guy with the virus in my lips, my girlfriend is the one who has never had either form of herpes. I'd like to keep it that way.

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by heathen earthling

I'm the guy with the virus in my lips, my girlfriend is the one who has never had either form of herpes. I'd like to keep it that way.

So you don't kiss her either?

[heathen earthling]

Originally Posted by Omar Little

So you don't kiss her either?

I do, but to be honest I often do feel paranoid and unpleasant about it. I prefer kissing on the neck/cheek/forehead. Being a walking biohazard sucks.

[Taomist]

No, becaue then she couldn't go down on him.

(Sorry, mostly teasing but just couldn't help it!)

[Omar Little]

Something like 65% of the human population has oral herpes (HSV-1) by the time they reach 40 (some studies have shown a % as high as 98%). It has historically been believed to be limited to sores in or around the mouth but more recently has been determined to be transmittable to the genitals. Genital herpes (HSV-2) is more severe and is typically passed genital to genital.

If you have HSV-1 and you kiss your girlfriend, she's gonna get it.

[heathen earthling]

Yeah, she more than likely has it in her lips without symptoms. The Yahoo page does say

If you are one of the eight out of ten who is already infected with hsv-1 orally, and you have had the virus for a while, more than a few months, your chances of catching hsv-1 genitally through receiving oral sex from someone else who gets cold sores is virtually nil.

I just have no proof that she is already a carrier, so I'd really feel like a terrible person if she did catch genital herpes from me going down on her.

Anyway, this is becoming a hijack. I just came in to offer one reason why a guy might suddenly stop going down on his wife.

[crazydoglady]

OP - I have a question. Please don't be offended - I am just trying to gather more info. So far in this thread, you have not admitted any fault when it comes to your relationship - it seems as if you believe you don't do anything wrong. Is this true? It could be, I was once in a relationship with a guy that was VERY one sided, and I know they can exist. So if this is the case, can you explain a little more? If we were to ask your husband who does things wrong in the relationship would he say himself? You? Would he refuse to talk about it?

If it boiled down to "this guy is never going to go down on you again or show any real sexual passion for you no matter what you do" what would you do? Would you stick it out? Consider leaving?

[WhyNot]

Originally Posted by heathen earthling

I'm the guy with the virus in my lips, my girlfriend is the one who has never had either form of herpes. I'd like to keep it that way.

Dental dams. They give them away for free at Planned Parenthood and lots of other clinics. (They're almost impossible to find in the store.) If you live in the Bible Belt, you can make your own out of an unlubricated condom. Tell your girlfriend I said, "you're welcome."

honda1268, could your husband be clinically depressed? Less interest in sex is one thing, and somewhat common after many years of marriage, but it sounds like he's lost interest in a lot of the things he used to enjoy doing, and that's a red flag for Depression.

[Morgenstern]

Motels work wonders sometimes.

[kanicbird]

Originally Posted by honda1268

Actually I love cleaning and taking care of my home and family. I don't want him to do those things. I love taking take of him. I have never refused having sex. I have always tried to give him what he needs sexually and/or emotionally. On the other side of things. I have been rejected. I have been the one that is call silly for wanting to try new things, I am the one who hide my tears after faking an orgasm for him and realizing that it will be like this forever. It's not just not having the orgasm, it's only having a few moments to be intimate with him. I'm thinking that will be the closest at i will get to him anymore.
I do feel that he is the one that has changed. He use to cuddle, he use to want to do foreplay and at least talk to me in a loving manner. Now its "I have an itch that I need scratched."
That not all. He doesn't want to go anywhere, do anything that i might enjoy. I love to walk. I love to fish, camp, bowl, play games, hike, golf, dance, socialize. He does none of that. He comes home eats, sits in his chair and falls a sleep with out a conversation.

I am willing to work hard at him. After 24 years I have too much invested in this. But really how hard to you have to work in order to get payment?!

And I do disagree with your last statement. Great sex for him is in my control. He thinks he gets that. Great sex for me is in his. A great marriage takes 2. I should know I use to have one.

Thank you for opening up like this, it is really the only way to get to the root cause and I really want it to work out for you.

There are some issues of note/concern in this post, how critical they are it's really hard to tell from the posting here. But here is what I see:

I love taking take of him.

I'm not sure what you mean by this, but this could limit him and if he is limited he may start to shut down. You expressed many activities you would like to do but he does not, you may have fostered that by this. Then again is it very hard to tell what this entails. It is even possible that you have a need to take care of a child and have transfered that to him.

On the other side of things. I have been rejected.

This is how you are feeling and very real and gives a lot to work with.

I have been the one that is call silly for wanting to try new things,

This is a major problem and issue on his end, let me state you are not silly, he is wrong on this, though the goal is not to change him, but to make the changes in your life to prevent rejection.

I'm thinking that will be the closest at i will get to him anymore.

I don't know this one way or another, but please understand this - You deserve Love, this involved closeness and yes great sex.

I do feel that he is the one that has changed. He use to cuddle, he use to want to do foreplay and at least talk to me in a loving manner.

I still believe that the lack of cuddling is a symptom of a root issue, there is something that happened to diminish the attraction between you.

I love to walk. I love to fish, camp, bowl, play games, hike, golf, dance, socialize. He does none of that. He comes home eats, sits in his chair and falls a sleep with out a conversation.

Please continue to do the things you love, you get love and life from them, don't fall into the pit that he is in, that doesn't help anyone.

I am willing to work hard at him. After 24 years I have too much invested in this. But really how hard to you have to work in order to get payment?!

This is a major red flag, you can't force the issue, you need to be yourself, that's who he hopefully fell in love with and the more you work at it, the less of the natural you is there and the less attractive you are to someone who loves you for who you are.

And I do disagree with your last statement.

And perhaps you are right, but the only one you should be changing is yourself, It may be the only one you can change, so why not believe that the answer is in you changing for the better you

[Gozu Tashoya]

I started skimming, so apologies if this was addressed, but I have to second WhyNot's recommendation of bringing a vibrator to bed. It's not a perfect solution, but if you warm yourself up, maybe even have an orgasm before it's hubby's turn to dive in, well, at least you'll get something out of it.

[gaffa]

Originally Posted by WhyNot

Dental dams. They give them away for free at Planned Parenthood and lots of other clinics. (They're almost impossible to find in the store.) If you live in the Bible Belt, you can make your own out of an unlubricated condom.

Or, just go into the kitchen and get some cling film. Both the dental dam and slit condem ideas produce something far too small to hold onto and fairly expensive too boot. A nice big sheet of cling film is easy to hold, plenty strong enough while being thin enough to convey sensation. I put some lube on one side, put that side to the parts to be licked and go to town. Very useful if you want to eat pussy and your partner is feeling "not so fresh" (as the old douche commercial put it).

[StusBlues]

Back to the matter at hand, this does sound like a relationship problem. He used to put a lot of energy and empathy into making love; now he just basically masturbates into her. He knows what to do; he's just not doing it.

Old hat as it may sound, couples counseling is probably in order here. When someone who was an attentive lover regresses to that degree, there is something wrong.

[LegsAkimbo]

A friend of mine had a fairly long marriage before her husband finally accepted that he was gay. He just couldn't do the deed with her any more I'm just sayin'.